And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School

by Judith Warner

Through the stories of kids and parents in the middle-school trenches, a New York Times bestselling author reveals why these years are so painful, how parents unwittingly make them worse, and what we all need to do to grow up.

The French have a name for the uniquely hellish years between elementary school and high school: "l'age ingrat" or "The Ugly Age." Characterized by a perfect storm of developmental changes--physical, psychological, and social--the middle-school years are a time of great distress for parents and children alike, marked by hurt, isolation, exclusion, competition, anxiety, and often outright cruelty. Some of this is inevitable; there are intrinsic challenges to early adolescence. But these years are harder than they need to be, and Judith Warner believes adults are complicit.

With piercing insight and compassion, Warner walks us through a new understanding of the role that middle school plays in all our lives. She argues that today's helicopter parents are overly concerned with status and achievement--in some ways a residual effect of their own middle-school experiences--and that this is worsening the self-consciousness, self-absorption, and social "sorting" so typical of early adolescence.

Tracing a century of research on middle childhood and bringing together the voices of social scientists, psychologists, educators, and parents, Warner shows how adults can be moral role models for children, making them more empathetic, caring, and resilient. She encourages us to start treating middle-schoolers as the complex people they are, holding them to high standards of kindness, and helping them see one another as more than "jocks and mean girls, nerds and sluts."

Part cultural critique and part call to action, this essential book unpacks one of life's most formative periods and shows how we can help our children not only survive it, but thrive.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Education, Psychology, Family, Audiobook, Teaching

320 pages, Hardcover

First published May 5, 2020

About the author

Judith Warner is the author, most recently, of And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School, which was selected as a New York Times Book Review Editors' Choice when it was published in early May. She is also the author of the New York Times bestsellers Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety and Hillary Clinton: The Inside Story, as well as the multiple award-winning We've Got Issues: Children and Parents in the Age of Medication. A senior fellow at the Center for American Progress, she has been a frequent contributor to the New York Times, where she wrote the popular Domestic Disturbances column, as well as numerous other publications.

Reviews

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This went into far more depth than I ever expected, and I wonder if that will be to its detriment. Who is the audience? Social scientists? Educators? Middle-school parents? I'm not sure social scientists will want the parenting advice and I'm not sure the parents will want the 19th century history of teenage education. But I skipped around to the parts I was most interested in and thought that was good enough.

Is there anyone out there who didn't hate life during middle school (aka junior high)? 8th grade felt like the worst year of my life when I was living it. The author starts with this shared experience and then talks about how parents need not to relive it through their children, but doesn't offer advice on how not to do it until you're routed through the history of education and the development of a middle-age (not children, not adults) and I'm not even kidding - the Industrial Revolution - so if you're reading it for social science, read all of it. If you're reading it for practical advice, consider skipping the middle. I'm not sure the historical context will make you a better parent but it might be interesting for you.

I had a copy of the book from the publisher through Edelweiss; it came out May 5, 2020. I asked for a copy from the perspective of possible future parent of an adopted child or two; not knowing the ages of said child(ren) I thought it might be interesting to read about middle school. I would have personally liked more case studies or personal accounts or even oral histories, but that just isn't what the book is. I'm attempting to review it for what it is and not for what I was hoping for. Probably the best capture of middle school is still the film Eighth Grade. Gucci!

[Mehrsa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is basically a book about how wealth inequality and neoliberalism is affecting middle school kids. I mean, I don't think that's what the author would say, but especially the last few chapters about parents really drove the point home for me that heightened status anxiety among wealthy parents is affecting the behavior of their teens. As a mom of two middle-schoolers, I have to wholeheartedly agree that the kids are basically mimicking the parents. If your parents are assholes, you're going to be one too. One thing left out of this was the matter of how it's the wealthy and white suburbs who are perpetuating these mean girl structures and what a contrast might look like. Another great book--called White kids--really drives this home with lengthy interviews and data. Parents, stop getting involved in your kids' lives.

[Rennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this, but it didn’t quite get at what I was looking for, which was a deeper study of what’s happening psychologically and biologically. It does cover those things and is excellent where it does, but it skips around so much and a big middle section about educational history for this age group and how we’ve traditionally viewed them socially was too long for such a short book.

It had some very helpful takeaways about brain development and body chemistry and how all that fits into evolutionary development, and that’s what I appreciated most. As well as a stomach-churning look at the economic inequalities and competitive aspects that are just pummeling kids and regressing parents back to their own middle school times and spinning up horrible behavior from both.

But it’s just too thin overall, and I’m not sure who it’s geared to, as I didn’t feel like there was enough general psychology and sociology here to be particularly helpful for the lay reader — it’s only maybe one chapter — and it doesn’t seem like a parenting advice book either (although it did seem helpful from that perspective, this coming from a non-parent but I also gifted it to a friend who procreated and has some looming concerns).

I should probably read Queen Bees and Wannabees or Odd Girl Out for the take I’m looking for but honestly, I’m scared. Even revisiting middle school briefly in my head while reading this was enough. ENOUGH.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book seemed to suffer from a lack of focus. Was it a history? An ethnographic study? A how-to-survive middle school years? The real-life stories were painful to get through. I guess it’s hard to elevate middle school drama; also I’m sure it triggered some PTSD. Ultimately I feel like this book didn’t enlighten me very much other than to say yes, middle school is awful.

I did enjoy a few things about the book. I enjoyed the historical tracing of puberty and middle school in America. I did not know the onset of menstruation is now several years earlier than it used to be due to better nutrition and less physical labor. It also makes sense that middle school-aged children didn’t used to be horrible because they didn’t all used to go to school and have nothing better to do than to plot against each other.

It’s also interesting how middle school is a largely American experience with 11-14 year olds being “quarantined” from the rest of the population making middle school ripe for insular drama. I wish the author had talked more about the effect of removing middle school from middle schoolers, i.e. K-8 or 7-12 schools. I also wish the author delved more into the comparison with other countries, which she mentions briefly.

[Angelina Barrett · Rating 3 out of 5]

The premise is great but I just went through middle school and think this book is a little out dated, but schools can differ. Not every middle schooler is like this, in fact maybe only 1 in 3oo, and even so each depression is different. It is more likely for a high school student to feel depressed than a middle school one. And most of the book is pretty depressing so don't read it if you don't like that stuff. However, it is an eye opener for some adults and parents as long as they understand that not every middle school student is depressed and needs help.

[Kirsti · Rating 4 out of 5]

Much like a middle school student, this book is trying to be many different things. I could have done without the history of American teenagerdom because I've already read a lot about that subject. But I enjoyed the overview of recent research and the real-life examples from the past and today.

Almost all the kids she talks to and writes about are white, are middle class or upper-middle class, and live in wealthy neighborhoods. I wish there had been more about kids of color, poor kids, immigrant kids, and kids who have to start working when they're still teenagers. But what I missed most of all was information about LGBTQIA+, bigender, and nonbinary kids. I understand that some of those identities have yet to be discovered at this age, and I know that there aren't usually enough of those youngsters for peer-reviewed studies for the author to quote from. But these children exist, and I wish she had done more to acknowledge that.

[Kaci · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the history of how the middle school/junior high concept came to be and the brain/social emotional development plays out in students between 11-14. My hope, as a junior high teacher, is that readers will NOT identify with the crazy parent behavior chronicled in this book and that they will think some of these parents are as crazy as I think they are. As hard as it may feel, we have to let our young little birds fly! Hovering over them and trying to solve all of their problems for them is not good for anyone involved- ESPECIALLY the kid.

[Carla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so powerful. With her research and retelling of anecdotes that so many of us can relate to having been either one of the popular kids or outcasts in middle school, so many memories - or at least what we think are the real memories - both the good and bad resurfaces. I wish I'd read this book before my kids entered middle school rather than during middle school but it still provides me with some insight as to why my child's attitude and behavior varies. It isn't only hormones! Don't just "want to read" this book, add to it to your "currently reading" list now!

[J.J. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can see a lot of parents getting offended at this book, especially those deemed as lawnmowers. However, since the first 45% was a history of how the current middle school climate has come into existence play, starting with the 20th century, I really enjoyed it. Biggest takeaway—they’re kids, teach them empathy and kindness. Favorite quote: “What happens in our middle schools is by and large a microcosm of larger society. The truth is we can’t make middle school better for our kids if we don’t make our culture less middle schoolish.”

[Jennifer Lowe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book first caught my eye based on the title " and then they stopped talking to me", which was was exactly what my daughter had described at the beginning of her bullying experience. As a middle school parent of a girl who experienced bullying, this book was insightful, covering all angles of the bullying issue. This book is great and really should be required reading for all middle school parents. We'd probably have less issues!

[Amber Harper · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really helpful as a grade 6-8 teacher to understand my students and be reminded of what it was like to be a middle schooler myself. The author presents an historic view of adolescents ages 11-14 and toward the end of the book gives some practical tips and advice for talking to these students and helping them navigate this crazy growth-filled season in their lives. See highlights and notes for more thoughts.

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The last 2 chapters were my favorite because I like solutions. The role of parents was interesting. In light of recent racial issues, the book seemed very focused on issues facing white Americans.

[Jenn McKee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this book out of the library because my seventh grade daughter has been holing up in her (increasingly dirty, cramped, and gross) room during this entire pandemic, and I've been worried about her pulling away from the family in the same moment that the world's on fire with a brutal, seemingly eternal pandemic.

What I found was pretty interesting, and provided some good perspectives to keep in mind while parenting a child through this fraught stage. We've given our daughter her freedoms, and seen the mood swings in real time, of course; but understanding how preteens' brains are developing, why they act the way they do, why they're obsessed with their friends and go through (and inflict) so much epic drama - all that gets explored pretty satisfyingly in this book.

There wasn't much guidance on how to give them space while still letting them know you're there for them, but then, that doesn't seem to have been the mission of this book. THAT seems to have been to give parents a sense of what's going on in their suddenly tuned out kids' heads, and to encourage us to give them some slack.

It's funny. Just as I finished this book, I listened in on a online tween event sponsored by our local library. By the end, there was trash talking and attempts at jokes in the chat, despite the moderators pleas to stop, and kids were unmuting, trying to be funny and "Rick-roll" the event - all while my nearly 13 year old daughter looked annoyed and waited.

Now THIS is what middle school is like, I thought. Over the years, I'd just forgotten.

[Michael Wiltshire · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’d say it was good, not great. It has a lot of issues with not really having a focus or grasp on its audience. The book does contain well researched insights into the social history of middle school in the US. However, I couldn't help but think the intended target audience is anxious, overly involved white middle class parents. Which, while not a bad group to write a book for, made me (a middle school teacher) feel like I was listening to a conversation for someone else. If the book is meant to be for teachers or others, then it fails to be inclusive enough to match the realities of most school communities. For example, it hints at class without really getting into the wider social dynamics like race, gender, or income inequality. This was just a bummer. The chapters of the development of middle schools in the US are very interesting, but even those were mostly focused on sexual discovery truths/myths which felt limited. If you’re looking for a book on middle school dynamics there are just better, more inclusive works out there.

[Melanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ugh. 2.5.

This was a wreck. It started out as a history, then had some anecdata, then switched to neuroscience, then some social commentary, then a bit of to-dos. It's listed as 320 pages but the book itself is barely 200. Even then, it seemed too long or meandering or like it didn't know what it wanted to be. I only fought my way through it because I have a middle schooler and she has gone through some Mean Girl crap and I'm looking for ideas on how to address it next time.

The most useful parts were the neuroscience of puberty (kids have very sensitive amygdalae in puberty making emotional experiences seem much more intense, and are still learning how to interpret facial expressions, tone of voice, etc) and maybe the observation that a lot of cliquishness and "mean girl" problems really seem to be among the striving class, not the working and middle class. They seem to be the problem of the top 10% economically in the US. Also that gen-xer and Millennial parents seem to relive their own adolescences through their kids.

This was really not what i was expecting. The takeaway is to have some compassion, and maybe to stop using the middle school model, and instead keep kids in a K-8 school, or something. And be grateful not to be wealthy and cruel.

[C.M. Savage · Rating 3 out of 5]

This wasn't what I was expecting it to be. If you're wondering how middle school came about—the full history—then this is the book for you. It was very interesting and helps explain how middle schools of today have become what they are, with some overly involved parents who seem to be reliving their middle school days. It, however, was not a book about what to do when your kids stop talking to you. Granted, there were a few good nuggets toward the end on how to parent during the middle school years, but the majority of the book was just history and hearing stories of middle schoolers from the 70s/80s who are parents now. If you're looking for how to parent your middle schooler, there are better books out there.

[shauna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Middle school is hard. This book reminds readers how hard it can be, sharing a variety of experiences. Warner calls out how self-centered, rude, and fickle middle schoolers are and how parents of middle schoolers mirror their children's behaviors. Parents and students alike can engage in cliques, exclusion behavior, and valuing things that form popularity in their community. This book has a decent balance between anecdote and scientific reasoning, but a lot of it is common knowledge as an adult with adolescent children.

What this book doesn't REALLY get into is tactical advice on how to support middle school children as their hormones rage, they're pressed with tough decisions and situations, and they form and end friendships. My son's in 6th grade and already his middle school has had tons of fights, an older child bringing edibles in and sharing them with their classmates, and rumors of a kid wanting to shoot up the school; I feel woefully unprepared for the next 2 years. I feel no more prepared now that I've finished the book.

[Katie Eskridge · Rating 4 out of 5]

Watching my child navigate middle school and the beginning of adolescence has been tough. This book was helpful insofar as it says that it is fairly universal for American parents to feel this period as deeply as the kids and that self-reports on parental efficacy go down when kids are age 11-14. the best thing we can do is to teach them to be kind to other people and not always prioritize their own comfort over the greater good (a radical notion in modern America, I know), stay out of their drama, and seek help if there are signs of deeper distress. Parents teach their kids bad behavior and transfer their social anxiety onto their kids- basically, we need to chill out and stop helicoptering.

[Anneliese Grassi · Rating 2 out of 5]

Full of information. Do we know middle school kids are odd, hormones running amok, are trying to find themselves, and will become scarred by comments or actions by those that used to be their friends? Yes. Did we need an entire book to point that out? Maybe, maybe not. 1/3 of the book was notes on information that was used in the book. I found the book bland and it almost read like a text book. I was really looking forward to this book too because I have a middle schooler and a freshman in high school, but it just fell short for me.

I won this book in a Goodreads Giveaway.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really interesting and informative, especially the historical and scientific aspects. Also sobering and sad to read how many upper middle class white parents behave and interfere in their kids’ lives.
I wish there had been a bit more practical advice and a tying in of the prologue at the end but the advice that was there is good.

[Marion · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not a parenting book, as the title implied to me, but is more of a sociological book about American middle schools. That being said, it was incredibly interesting! And despite not being specifically for parenting, it still gave some great insight into the middle school experience of ours kids today.

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting and insightful.

[Katie Fitzgerald · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have always sort of wondered in the back of my mind why middle school was so terrible for me. This book made it very clear that it wasn't just me, and that adults have even internalized their middle school issues to the point that they now affect the way they handle their own kids' middle school years. My kids are homeschooled and are extremely unlikely to ever set foot in a middle school building so I wasn't really looking for parenting advice, and those areas of the book were only interesting to me from the point of view of a casual observer. The rest of it, though: the history of middle school, the reasons some kids have such a hard time, and the anecdotes from real people (of which I would have liked to see more, honestly) were so fascinating and somehow validating. I have always felt that I could see the ways middle school rejections have impacted the person I grew up to be, and this book helped me to realize that I'm not crazy to feel that way. I'm not sure who the intended audience really was, as the book was a bit of a hodgepodge, but as someone who was interested in the subject matter just for fun, this was a really good read.

[Kate Schwarz · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

This was an easy to read (or listen) book about middle school. It was a bunch of different things in one: a history of middle school (who knew the first middle school was in Columbus, Ohio?); some of the stuff that goes on in adolescents' brains at this crucial 11-13 year old timeframe that makes it so interesting and challenging; a peek into what middle schools are like today; and, largely (too much, really), what middle school was like "back then" when the author was in middle school.

[Jessica Speer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is packed with insights to help parents better understand and navigate the unavoidable bumps that happen in middle school. I loved the author's research-based approach blended with personal stories and realizations. The reminder that middle schoolers are STILL KIDS and that there's ALWAYS more to the story serve as clear guideposts to for parents. If we as parents can stay grounded and help our kids see the bigger picture, we can best support them through this time of tremendous change and avoid behaving like middle schoolers ourselves. A very worthwhile read!

[Pam · Rating 3 out of 5]

And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School is by Judith Warner. This book tries to make sense of middle school and the ages of 11-14. Judith uses stories of people from all over in an attempt to define what middle school is and is not. What she found out was that many people had not ever forgotten their middle school time and when their children got to that age, it was all brought back to them. As a result, they became helicopter parents in an attempt to help their children. All it did was make things worse. In addition, they relived that terrible time in their life. She takes the ages of 11-14 and goes through the years with them from right after World War II to the present. When emphasis was placed on these ages, the teen were exposed to many different things and their actions changed to fit the times. At times the book was very clear and at others, it became quite murky. Basically, teens haven’t really changed. They are still hateful, loving, changeable, uncertain, and brave. Parents relive their own teen years as they help their child through it. This in itself adds conflict to the household. At times, I really liked this book ; but at other times, it became too repetitive. It didn't match the middle school I spent 38 years teaching in.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

A chronicle of the mysteries of middle school and a history of the family and the emergence of adolescence. Likely the theory is that understanding might salve the wounds that seem so easily reopened. Worth a try.

[Aileen C. Jong · Rating 5 out of 5]

Terrific, insightful book to support middle schoolers

Excellent review of the literature review middle schoolers, past & current theory. Plus good support to navigate this age with our middle schoolers. Thanks for the insights!

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

good book for middle school teachers, very insightful. Made you think

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

First part of book presents history and context for middle school/adolescent “hell”. More valuable are chapters 6 through 9 that provide parents with insight and advise on helping their own children through the trying middle school years.