How Your Church Family Works: Understanding Congregations as Emotional Systems

by Peter L. Steinke

Drawing on the work of Bowen, Friedman, and his own many years' counseling experience, Peter Steinke shows how to recognize and deal with the emotional roots of such issues as church conflict, leadership roles, congregational change, irresponsible behavior, and the effect of family of origin on current relationships. Discover why working relationships may be "stuck" in certain behaviors. Psychologically sound, theologically grounded, and practically illustrated with case studies, How Your Church Family Works will help you better understand how your congregation works and how to keep it healthy. Featuring a new preface and a fresh redesign, the book is a classic work by one of the most respected names in congregational consulting.

Genres: Leadership, Church, Nonfiction, Theology, Counselling, Religion, Psychology

146 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1993

Reviews

[Sagely · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm always looking for good ways to think about caring for my congregation. The Alban Institute is usually a great source of good advice. So I opened How Your Church Family Works with anticipation. Maybe this would be the book that would explain it all to me. Or maybe not.

Family Systems Theory, as much as I understand it, is a very useful tool for understanding the relational and emotional knots we're born into. FST helps us unravel some of those knots, become self-differentiated, so that we can better care for self and others.

Peter Steinke obviously has training in FST. He's probably a great consultant for congregations in turmoil. and HYCFW does sketch an outline of a few key ideas from FST.

But on the whole, HYCFW fails to provide a coherent explanation of FST as applied to congregations. It shoots up a couple of ideas, spatters on some worn-out aphorisms, and calls it good. It's the writing that fails HYCFW. The argument/explanation is not clear, and the language sounds a bit like a late night infomercial.

I may look for an application of FST to congregational life. I think it may help me out. HYCFW didn't.

[Jonathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Verry good, a bit more technical than other books I have read on the same topic, but not hard to understand.

[Adam Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick read, but honestly left me wanting more. It felt like part one of a two part book. I get that it’s good economic sense for me to get the next book here, but not great ministry sense when I’m trying to help a church get a better handle on its anxiety.

[Luke Evans · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent intro to these ideas. Look forward to reading the next two.

[Cody Westcott · Rating 3 out of 5]

At times this book gives good insight, and provides relevant theory and models for understanding the psychology of churches and congregational conflict/anxiety.

Unfortunately, Steinke very often fails to provide practical models for applying such theory in a real ministry setting.

Very often, I found myself agreeing with Steinke's assessment of congregational systems, but was no closer in understanding how to fix these broken systems. In other words, Steinke's book is a lot of "preaching to the choir" without many suggestions about what to actually do.

I still found some of the models and theory presented to be helpful, however.

[Dion · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel weird giving a book like this 4 stars, but I found it to be very helpful. The point is that a church is an emotional system and dealing with conflict in the church requires a systemic response. Leaders are challenged to be distinct enough from the system to stand above the fray but also caring enough about the people and the mission of Christ to begin to change the way the system works.

I reread the last couple of chapters a few times. Doing a lot of personal application now. Very helpful.

[Aeisele · Rating 4 out of 5]

I find the best ministry books are the ones you wished you'd read last year. Such is this. I've read Friedman, but I think Steinke does a really wonderful job of taking Bowen and Friedman's thinking and condensing it to give a more specific picture of how this works in churches. Certainly this doesn't exhaust systems theory, nor is it the only book you should read in this field. But it's a really good one.

[Francine Apollo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very helpful, as the instructor said...It's part of my summer homework and I see it's importance. I'll be keeping this textbook.

[CJ Bowen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Jargon-heavy but useful study on relational dynamics in the church context. Steinke "translates" Friedman (and Bowen) and then applies his insights to congregations. The new pastor or leader will have some expectations set for common relational patterns, and the more experienced pastor will gain a framework to account for what's been happening in the system that is the church family. Unfortunately, the case studies came across as more about how the two congregations being compared responded to Steinke, and less about specific decisions made or actions taken. The "seven responses" towards the end were some of the most helpful material. Correlation with scriptural terminology began in earnest in the final chapter, which was far too brief for those who think primarily in biblical rather than sociological or psychological categories. More effort here would significantly increase the book's usefulness.

[Lauren Larkin · Rating 3 out of 5]

A contributive and accessible short work on the Family Systems Theory introduced by Edwin Friedman ("Generation to Generation") and Murray Bowen ("Family Therapy in Clinical Practice"). I appreciated the way the more complicated and clinical language of the other two texts was rendered in lay terms. Though, the discussion around triangles was (oddly) a bit more confusing than the way it is described in Friedman's text. I am not sure if that was part of the author's issues or the editor's. Often in the discussion focused on explaining emotional triangles the written language did not align with the diagram language. I think this discrepancy caused me to have to reread multiple discussions just to make sure I was tracking. However and despite that glitch, the text seems useful especially for those who are already familiar with the family systems.

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

For one first exploring the emotional dynamics of a congregation, this is THE book to read. Full of both great theory and examples, Steinke provides a brilliant insight into using family systems theory in congregational life. Whether a church or other organization (but using theological tools), this book allows the reader to think about and look at the behavior of a congregation as an emotional system rather than a simple "problem" group. For clergy and laity alike, this is a superlative read.

That said, if one is already steeped or studied in the area, while good, the book is one of several excellent monographs that approach the issue. Still, a good "must read" for anyone considering congregational leadership.

[Addie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really fast read. Recommend for church workers. I found it helpful for my context. His psychology is a little dated/armchair-y but systems theory is an vital lens to place on church structures, especially ones experiencing transition, which is most.

I would skip the case examples he offers if you work in a church and suggest only reading the analysis: you have your own cases to work off of and he offers a very limited lens on church ministry (little to no woman and queer leadership reflected in his examples of institutional heads. Very little reflection on how systems theory affects intersectional identities differently.)

[Devin Morris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first came across Steinke several years ago and he has become fundamental to the way I perceive relationships inside and outside the church. His "systems approach," appropriated from Murray Brown and later Edwin Friedman, is recognizing there is never a simple cause and effect between two persons but that both are mutually contributing various causes and effects. Great, short read. Essential reading for church leadership.

[Ben Peltz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good Principles, Okay Book

The principles are very helpful for those looking to deepen their understanding of leading groups of people, especially churches. That being said most of the meaty stuff is established early on and the rest of the book felt repetitive. You have to mine a bit to get much out of the second half.

[Taylor Diehl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is super helpful for understanding and navigating the relational and emotional systems of the Church, but also super helpful for navigating all relationships. Definitely could've used the wisdom here in past church and work experiences, and will definitely be revisiting this book in the future.

[Patrick Greene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this makes me wish I had taken advantage of the Systems Theories classes available in seminary. It’s enlightening, refreshing and incredibly helpful to hear things I’ve observed in ministry about how we related with one another articulated. I’m looking forward to reading more of Steinke’s work.

[Hugolane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an informative look at the social relations within church congregations. It is aimed primarily at conventional protestant congregations with significant membership, but it was useful thinking about my Quaker meeting.

[Tom Greentree · Rating 5 out of 5]

Few books have really unpacked the relational dynamics of a congregation the way this book did. Very thankful for it.

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, clear primer on systems thinking in congregational settings

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book, but somewhat weak in application once it has stated and restated its main points.

[Nicky · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.6
Thought provoking and insightful although I found I had to reflect upon each chapter to assure myself I understood what was being asserted. The waters were a little muddy at times.

[Wendy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Talks about many problems but doesn't have much to say about solutions.

[Ben Fike · Rating 5 out of 5]

The horizons of church leadership and professional therapy and counseling have always been a bit murky. As a pastor, I have come to appreciate the subtle but important distinctions between the roles of therapist and pastor. I like to tell people the most important thing I learned in my intro to pastoral counseling classes in seminary is that I am not a professional counselor, but I am sure thankful for what those wonderful folks do.

Still, there is much we can learn from one another in these two interrelated people-helping disciplines. Standing right at that intersection is the work of Edwin Friedman who helped introduce the idea that the best framework for understanding religious congregations is using family systems theory, a counseling language. Peter Steinke, one of Friedman's students, helps to make that work more more palatable for a larger audience - including lay leadership and non-seminary trained ministers.

How Your Church Family Works doesn't provide many answers for "solving church problems", which is hardly the point. What it does do is provide a framework for understanding churches as complex emotional systems. It raises the question - what if the primary responsibility of church leaders isn't to "fix all the problems," but rather to help create the best conditions for congregational health and vitality? To me, systems thinking provide the best means of understanding the complexities of a church family. For anyone looking for an clear and concise introduction to systems thinking as it applies to congregational life, I highly recommend this book.

[Rob O'Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Steinke is one of the foremost scholars in congregational health and in how systems theory applies to leadership. Seen as either a follow-up volume to Healthy Congregations, this volume builds on his basic concepts of health and seeks to apply them directly to the congregational context. The examples are drawn from years of ministry and consulting experience, which only serve to validate his argument as to the importance of understanding and applying systems thinking. My min critique of this volume is that he does not take the time to fully explain the "what," "how," and "why" of family mapping. He does explain how a genogram works, yet he does not give as much treatment to mapping. For that, the careful reader will need to go back to Cosgrove and Hatfield's classic text Church Conflict.

[Steve Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Three years ago, as a brand new senior pastor, I chatted with a new friend and colleague about my complicated relationship with a former mentor. He told me that as complicated as it felt, I was doing the healthiest thing I could do in an anxious system - differentiate while staying connected; be myself, but also be in relationship. That one comment was a revelation.

Now I've read the book where he got it from. Peter Steinke really illuminates how families system theory applies to faith communities and other systems, including (I think) whole nations sometimes, like the U.S. and really the whole Western world in the 21st century.

[Amos Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Peter Steinke is the foremost interpreter of the work of Rabbi Edwin Friedman. Steinke makes Friedman's brilliant insights into family systems approachable. Whereas Friedman offers depth, Steinke offers clarity. Steinke continues to make family systems an accessible and powerful tool for Congregational transformation. The principles of family systems, popularized by Steinke, have helped me understand group dynamics in the churches I have served better than any other approach. Highly recommended! -Amos Smith (author of Healing The Divide)

[Markus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Based on and drawing from Edwin Friedman's work, including his outstanding and (much) longer "Generation to Generation" (which I highly recommend), this is a short, excellent, gem-of-a-book focused on understanding congregations (and other relationship networks, i.e. Communities, families, etc.) as emotional systems, with particular emphasis on the role(s) of anxiety in relational dynamics. Short, accessible, excellent book, highly recommended...

[Alan Brehm · Rating 3 out of 5]

I re-read this book (sort of; I skimmed it about 15 years ago at a conference led by Steinke) in preparation for reading some of his more recent work. It is a basic, if somewhat bland, summary of the fundamentals of the systems approach to congregational leadership. Steinke touches all the bases, but leaves a lot to be desired in the way of specific suggestions. But, of course, to some extent that is the challenge of this approach--it has to be "caught" rather than "taught."

[Jonny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful book on church systems. Ultimately, it made me thankful for Circle of Hope and the system we have that doesn't foster anxiety. Our mission and compassion teams survive based on people's passion. Leadership is distributed widely through cells and our Leadership Team. The pastor is the main lover, servant, and empowerer.

[Daniel · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nice quick primer on family systems in congregations. It could have been improved with another 100 pages. Some of the examples and descriptions felt rushed, but I did finish wanting more wich will do good for sales of his other books. I found the chapter on leadership to be the most profound and I see he has a whole other book on leadership; I will have to check it out!