Friending: Creating Meaningful, Lasting Adult Friendships

by Gina Handley, MA

Chosen as a Finalist in the Next Generation Indie Book Awards, Gina Handley-Schmitt's debut book is a treasure trove of information and resources for finding and keeping adult friends. Friendship is one of the most important, yet most underrated necessities of life, but making and keeping friends can become increasingly difficult when we become adults, with busy careers, family responsibilities, and dispersed locations. Keeping in touch through social media doesn't always meet our needs for deeper connection, so developing skills for nurturing the true, deep, lasting brand of friendship is invaluable, now more than ever. In this book, you'll learn how to choose and make friends, support them and let them support you, maintain friendships even when your life paths diverge, repair friendships after a conflict, decide when to step away from a friendship, and much more. Life is so much sweeter with good friends by your side!

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Friendship, Psychology

192 pages, Paperback

Published November 12, 2019

About the author

Gina Handley, MA is the author of the popular non-fiction book "Friending." She is also a retired psychotherapist and adjunct professor of Psychology, an avid storyteller, and something of an affirmation guru. She has been a speaker at numerous workshops, conferences, and events, as well as being featured on various media platforms. She currently lives in the beautiful PNW with her handsome husband, where she spends most of her time diligently working on her first novel, ice-cold Coca-Cola in hand.

Reviews

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Instagram can lead to more than just admiring pretty pictures... such as this book. Author Gina Handley Schmitt has created a map for navigating relationships - specifically friendships amid our society's push-and-pull demands. This fast-paced read offers realistic exercises and gentle advice at each chapter's conclusion. FRIENDING is a solid next step whether before or after those Brene Brown books of deep navel-gazing. Time to lift your eyes and engage with other souls in the real world, with this book in hand either to reference or share. [*review also posted on Amazon. Yes I love & believe in this book, thanks Gina & Instagram! Social media can be a tool for good!*]

[Rhonda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I have to be totally honest, the author of this book is a dear friend of mine, but I have tried not to let that influence my opinion of the book. She did not give me a free copy (come on, Gina... jk) or ask me to review it. This is my (hopefully) unbiased opinion!

The need for a book like this should be evident to pretty much everyone. In this age of social media and increasing isolation, it can be really difficult to connect with people on a deep, personal level to build lasting and genuine friendships. Loneliness can be a huge problem, especially for post-college adults.

Gina Handley Schmitt is a psychotherapist and counselor who noticed this as a common problem for many of her clients. So she wrote a book about it. Friending breaks down the fundamentals of genuine friendship into different components, and gives practical advice for each of them. Woven throughout are Gina's personal friendship stories from her own life and the lives of clients (used with their permission and preserving their anonymity, of course).

A couple of my favorite things about the book:
-At the end of each section are some personal reflection questions and space to write down your thoughts on how you can apply the advice in the book. I liked that this made the book more interactive and actually got me thinking about how I could genuinely improve my current friendships or form new ones.
-I love that Gina brought in the spiritual and faith community aspects of friendship, but also made this section accessible to anyone of any religion, or no religion. Faith and friendship are things that can deeply affect us, and that are often intertwined and affect each other (for better or worse), so I think it was really important that this was discussed.
-Gina's writing style is also very accessible and relatable. This could just be because I know her, but it was as if I could hear her talking to me while I read.

Overall, I would recommend this book to anyone who longs for their friendships to have more depth and meaning. The book is short, and you could easily read it in one afternoon. But I'd encourage you to take your time and really reflect on each section before moving on. You'll come out of the experience feeling refreshed and confident to take on the challenge of Friending!

[Ariel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I agree with the reviewer who said that this book will give you some interesting thoughts on what makes friendships function well. However the book reads mostly as "how to make friends for people who already have friends". Although the author begins with an example of a client who has no adult friends and says the purpose of the book is to help people like her, every other example from their own personal life emphasizes how easy they consider it to make friends, indicating they don’t really understand the problem faced by the prospective readers of this book. Every activity or question for reflection begins with the supposition that you already have lots of friends and just need pointers on how to maintain and get the most out of friendships that you have allowed to languish because you spend to much time on social media. If you really have no adult friends, maybe had few adolescent or young adult friends (that is to say, are someone who could actually use a self-help book on how to make friends) this book will likely just be a painful reminder of what you are struggling to attain without any useful guidance on how to get there.

[Alyssa Cerretti · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love how this book was written around “the five core skills” of friendship- being available, authentic, affirming, assertive, and accepting. So much truth in each of those points! The writing style was very personable and easy to listen to, and I appreciated the application questions at the end of each chapter. A great way to either grow your friending skills or recenter any areas out of balance in less than 3.5 hours on an audiobook!

[Raquel Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

I grabbed this from Powells because of the cute cover. I think a lot of this was good advice, but personally I felt the book was a bit repetitive and a bit common sense. I do think a lot about the part where she says it doesn’t matter what you say to intimate plans the first step is just getting that intent out there. I changed my mind and am giving this four stars because I do think about some bits of this often. While I didn’t find the entire book helpful, others might.

[Leigh Kaisen]

Some good nuggets in here, although I didn't personally connect to the writing style. I was looking for a bit more depth in this case, but I do appreciate and value the conversation being had. Grown-up friendships matter, (and can take some tending to), and I would love to see this talked about more.

[Nicole Fairchild · Rating 5 out of 5]

We all need friends! This book was published just before Covid hit us all and it is a wonderful resource for us to have during this time of social distancing. We need each other and we need skills and tools to help us be better friends. Gina writes in a way that is easy to read, clear and kind, with wonderful stories interspersed.

[Robin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good information in here for thinking about what makes a healthy, long-lasting friendship, but also a little thin on information. I got some good stuff out of it, but it wasn't super in-depth or thorough.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked her insights... very relatable situations and well-written with an authentic voice.

[Valerie Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Be available. Be authentic. Be affirming. Be assertive. Be accepting." The secret formula for making and keeping meaningful friendships. Okay, it's not as simple as all of that because humans are imperfect and mess up all the time but besides that this book is an excellent tool for learning how to be a better friend, and how to ask more from the friends you already have. Schmitt breaks down friendships into 5 parts and really shows how one can incorporate these aspects into real life. It's a hands-on experience with workbook-like exercises to complete and real life examples. There's a lot of good stuff to take away from this book. Would recommend for anyone looking to up their friendship game, or just their relationships in general.

[H · Rating 5 out of 5]

Creating and keeping a healthy friendship is difficult, no matter what age we are. Whether we are looking to make new friends - which can be a scary and intimidating venture - or we are working on enriching current relationships, Gina provides hands-on tools to help us navigate the ups and downs of doing life with others. With her sense of humor and down to earth approach, Gina gives us valuable insight into the psychology of human connection without overwhelming us with textbook style writing. Gleaning from personal experience and professional insight, Gina masterfully invites us into a journey that will challenge us and encourage us to be the best friend we can be.

[S W · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great resource for anyone who wants to have a meaningful friendship. Go beyond the surface, and learn how to cultivate and keep long lasting relationships. Handley-Schmitt uses kind humor while getting straight to the point. This is a must read for anyone wanting useful tools for growing and keeping friendships.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an easy, enjoyable read. It is much more about maintaining friendships than it is about creating them, though. It wasn't exactlu what I was expecting, but I still enjoyed the content and got some good takeaways.

[Daniel Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely enjoyed this book. There are a lot of tools in it about making and maintaining friendships, so I highly recommend this book!

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author, a therapist, begins this book with the example of a patient who invites her to go the movies. She must decline due to professional ethics. The patient reveals that the therapist is her only friend. The author notes that this is not uncommon in her practice and that 25 percent of adults have no close friends.

Then the author uses example after example of people who HAVE friends, but these relationships are not satisfactory in some way. This seemed a departure from her earlier premise. Her focus seems to be creating deep friendships, but if one lacks true friends, how do you get there? She sort of answers this with her 5 steps.

What she skips over, for much of the book, is WHY friendship comes easily for some, but not for others. Probably too complicated a topic for a general, 5 step approach that she is offering here.

The main message I took from this book is that you need to put yourself out in the world, meet people in real life (not just online). Often these relationships are more acquaintanceships where you share interest or community activities than true friendship . It isn’t like school where we have endless possibilities. Who we meet in real life depends on our work, level of community involvement and so forth. Such daily interaction enriches one’s life, but the feeling of true friendship is not there in those connections. These “pleasure” or “utilitarian” friendships can blossom into close friendships, but often do not.

She offers some helpful guidance in keeping oneself available for friendship to blossom. And her section on being authentic is good advice.

I started this book because I wanted to evaluate a long-term friendship. In that sense, the book was helpful in exploring the way this friendship had disconnected.

The audio version, read by Luisa Ivary, was good. She sounded sincere and empathic as she read.

[Elena · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked this up at the library because it was out front on display and has a cute cover. And I'm always trying to make friends and figure out what makes lasting and deep friendships! So I thought this would be perfect. Sadly, it was pretty superficial and basic. And some of the typos really made me cringe, even though I try not to be a classist grammar-police type. But this was egregious. I felt so bad for the author when I saw that no one caught the fact that she doesn't know the difference between "purpose" and "propose." She kept using the word "purpose" when she meant "propose" (at first I was very confused) and the mistake even made it into this cartoony illustration in the book... ahhhhh. It wouldn't have been so glaring but she kept hammering on about "purposing" to do certain things which doesn't make sense until you figure out she means "proposing." It's the sort of book that seems more like a blog post or magazine article and I kept thinking "jeez, if this book got published, maybe I should write books!" I feel a bit bad for being harsh because nothing in the book is BAD advice... yeah, be authentic, be present, make time, have the hard conversations, etc. but it didn't really get at anything much deeper or beyond common sense. And it didn't seem like it would be all that helpful for people who don't already have a great group of friends. It was more focused on how to maintain good friendships once you have them. I can also see how it's a bit grating to hear all this "advice" from someone who's super privileged in the friend department and has obviously never been without her super tight knit friend group.

[J. Pedro · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sadly, more superficial than I thought it would be.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was very skim-able and while I didn’t read ALL of the chapters/sections, I read enough to get the overall pointers. There were some good topics to reflect on, but I feel slightly bamboozled.

Idk if that’s on me, but I thought there would be more information on how to make friends as an adult, not just how to foster the friendships (or potential friendships) you already have. I mean, the intro talked about someone who didn’t feel like she had any friends, so the miscommunication isn’t entirely on me, right??

I do think I’ll consider some of the information in here and utilize it with my current friendships, but I’m a little bummed there wasn’t more about meeting people and how to really foster those first moments or something.

[Laura · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lots of good examples of different kinds of friendships, and how to troubleshoot and work out issues within friendships. Doesn't really go into detail on how to find, and meet new friends. Emphasizes in-person interaction - important, but also more challenging given the current pandemic, and lasting impacts. Its easy to read, and understand, although like a lot of other reviewers I would have liked to see more. More information should be made available on healthy, sustainable friendships, and this is a great primer on the subject.