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Slaying Your Fear: A guide for people who grapple with insecurity
“My friends just pretend to like me.”
“I toss and turn all night worrying about what I’m gonna say. I even worry about worrying.”
“I always feel so lonely, even when I’m around people. Especially when I’m around people.”
“There’s nothing about me that deserves love.”
Insecurity is a deadly threat. It eats away at you and turns every social engagement into a chance to make a mistake and lose everything. Insecurity runs you down until you’re too exhausted to leave your house and the joy is sucked from your life.
Psychotherapist Adam Lane Smith lays out a comprehensive plan to help individuals combat the effects of insecurity, attacking this personal anxiety at the root. Armed with a host of new tools and perspectives, seize control of your life and finally slay the monster of destructive insecurity.
“I toss and turn all night worrying about what I’m gonna say. I even worry about worrying.”
“I always feel so lonely, even when I’m around people. Especially when I’m around people.”
“There’s nothing about me that deserves love.”
Insecurity is a deadly threat. It eats away at you and turns every social engagement into a chance to make a mistake and lose everything. Insecurity runs you down until you’re too exhausted to leave your house and the joy is sucked from your life.
Psychotherapist Adam Lane Smith lays out a comprehensive plan to help individuals combat the effects of insecurity, attacking this personal anxiety at the root. Armed with a host of new tools and perspectives, seize control of your life and finally slay the monster of destructive insecurity.
120 pages, Paperback
First published May 20, 2019
120 people are currently reading
521 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
May 23, 2019
Resonated deeply
I was clenching my teeth reading through the introduction because every sentence hit home.
I've always felt trapped even when I try to attack this problem, but this is the first resource that's really made me think, "here is someone who truly understands what it's like, and can say with confidence that it does get better."
Thank you.
I was clenching my teeth reading through the introduction because every sentence hit home.
I've always felt trapped even when I try to attack this problem, but this is the first resource that's really made me think, "here is someone who truly understands what it's like, and can say with confidence that it does get better."
Thank you.
August 30, 2023
Thought provoking and uncomfortable in a productive way.
June 2, 2019
I didn’t think of myself as an insecure person, but Slaying Your Fear by Adam Lane Smith showed me that in a way, I am. Worried about what other people think of me to the point I’m paralyzed to do anything else at times, stalling my progress in a lot of things that I really want to do in my life.
Before I go any further, this is best used as a starting point to help slay your fear, not as the sole resource you use.
Smith uses his years of experience as a psychologist with thousands of patients to summarize how people become “insecure” as he puts them, with some commentary on how modern society has made these problems worse. He uses four fictional case studies throughout the book to get his point across, as well as demonstrate some stepping stones anyone can use to start combating their fear and insecurity. While most of the advice is uplifting, there is some sobering and hard hitting stuff in one of the chapters that further drives it home and makes you think about the legacy you want to leave behind and if that’s not a drive to stop living as an insecure person, I don’t know what will. Smith’s advice rings clear and it’s easy to digest and it’s clear in his straightforward voice, he wants the best for you. He speaks like he’s right there next to you and it really helped me feel at ease while reading.
If you want some more tweet sized nuggets of his advice, follow him on twitter.
If you’re letting anxiety run your life, this guide is a must to help turn things around.
Before I go any further, this is best used as a starting point to help slay your fear, not as the sole resource you use.
Smith uses his years of experience as a psychologist with thousands of patients to summarize how people become “insecure” as he puts them, with some commentary on how modern society has made these problems worse. He uses four fictional case studies throughout the book to get his point across, as well as demonstrate some stepping stones anyone can use to start combating their fear and insecurity. While most of the advice is uplifting, there is some sobering and hard hitting stuff in one of the chapters that further drives it home and makes you think about the legacy you want to leave behind and if that’s not a drive to stop living as an insecure person, I don’t know what will. Smith’s advice rings clear and it’s easy to digest and it’s clear in his straightforward voice, he wants the best for you. He speaks like he’s right there next to you and it really helped me feel at ease while reading.
If you want some more tweet sized nuggets of his advice, follow him on twitter.
If you’re letting anxiety run your life, this guide is a must to help turn things around.
April 27, 2022
Adam Lane Smith is a powerhouse of practical advice on attachment. This short book is bloody brilliant and is a great resource for sorting out attachment issues and being able to spot them in your life.
July 31, 2022
Ugh. Didn't enjoy this or get anything out of it. The author has an unpleasant tone to his words that was distracting and seemed to miss the significance of the mental programming of insecure people.
April 1, 2024
It had some helpful tips but the illustrations were of extremes I thought. I couldn’t relate.
April 25, 2023
I ran over Adam this morning during my morning walks, listening to one of his podcasts about the attachment theory, and although I knew about John Bowlby’s attachment theory, Adam’s humorous, and bad jokes as he described it with his own words, at the end of this book, was really captivating to read more about this guy.
Self incompetent, and self recrimination, is a complex, and multilayered subject, that has its own psychosocial roots; family trauma, childhood neglect, etc, as well as psychological, or personal roots, related to self actualization and other aspects as well. In this book, Adam focuses more on the psychosocial side of self-incompetent, providing rather a workbook cognitive behavioral techniques rather than an in-depth psychoanalysis, or long philosophical or insights.
Throughout the 10 chapters of this book. Adam did great job providing examples of different fictional, yet actual use cases such as Chris, Ashley, and Amber to portrait different types of attachment styles, conveying the meaning of the theory in practical manner. Chapter 5 and 6 were in particular outstanding, since they contain some existential insights into holding on into one’s core values, as a way of building integrity and respect with oneself, while chapter 10 delves on mortality, and biological or nonbiological descendants, discussing the long term of leaving an impact. The chapters about personal relationships were all guidelines about transcendency, being articulate on communicating one’s needs, and ok with disposal of vulnerability, yet the talking is easy, what crucial is the actions.
Although I have completed number of structured courses about human needs and attachment styles, Adam’s pragmatic, yet practical approach was quite playful and hasty to me. Although this style is not my preferred approach in psychology books, I enjoyed the book nevertheless, as it’s interesting that native English speakers, writes the way they speak, and that applies to Adam as well, where I have noticed the repeated arguments and analogies he used both in his books, and the episodes of podcast.
Self incompetent, and self recrimination, is a complex, and multilayered subject, that has its own psychosocial roots; family trauma, childhood neglect, etc, as well as psychological, or personal roots, related to self actualization and other aspects as well. In this book, Adam focuses more on the psychosocial side of self-incompetent, providing rather a workbook cognitive behavioral techniques rather than an in-depth psychoanalysis, or long philosophical or insights.
Throughout the 10 chapters of this book. Adam did great job providing examples of different fictional, yet actual use cases such as Chris, Ashley, and Amber to portrait different types of attachment styles, conveying the meaning of the theory in practical manner. Chapter 5 and 6 were in particular outstanding, since they contain some existential insights into holding on into one’s core values, as a way of building integrity and respect with oneself, while chapter 10 delves on mortality, and biological or nonbiological descendants, discussing the long term of leaving an impact. The chapters about personal relationships were all guidelines about transcendency, being articulate on communicating one’s needs, and ok with disposal of vulnerability, yet the talking is easy, what crucial is the actions.
Although I have completed number of structured courses about human needs and attachment styles, Adam’s pragmatic, yet practical approach was quite playful and hasty to me. Although this style is not my preferred approach in psychology books, I enjoyed the book nevertheless, as it’s interesting that native English speakers, writes the way they speak, and that applies to Adam as well, where I have noticed the repeated arguments and analogies he used both in his books, and the episodes of podcast.
March 13, 2023
"For people with healthy attachments, every interaction is a chance to increase intimacy. For people with unhealthy attachment styles, every interaction is a chance to destroy everything they love."
Holy shit.
"Investing in outcomes means you spend more time worrying about how people feel about you rather than the quality of those relationships."
"The insecure person is never really proud of their accomplishments because each accomplishment is just an attempt to stave off abandonment and ostracization for one more minute."
"Needs must be stated explicitly in order to be met. ... 'I really feel disconnected from you lately because we haven't had much time together. I need to get some quality time with you. What's it gonna take to make that work?'"
"One tendency of detached individuals is to assume they know another person's thoughts, feelings, or intentions without asking. The worst is assumed and then reacted upon as if already confirmed. ... When you find yourself becoming angry, upset, scared, or worried, stop and ask your friend, 'Before I react, here is what I just head. Is that what you meant to say?'"
God I need therapy.
December 4, 2025
I was very excited to get this book after discovering Adam Lane Smith online. Perhaps my high expectations are part of the problem in that I expected more about attachment theory and different attachment styles, but I was disappointed.
In part, the writing style seemed to downplay the severity of insecure attachment and the impacts it has on people and their behavior. It also glosses over the fact that many insecurely attached people have outstandingly good qualities and strengths in addition to insecurity issues that serve to undermine those attributes at least partially. Perhaps starting from here, rather than reducing insecurely attached people to simply being "insecure" would have landed better for me.
Some of the "what to do" examples seem simplistic, in that, well, the book is 100 pages, which naturally makes all of this complex and important work more simple than it really is.
I recognize that ALS wrote this awhile ago as a handout for clients to be used as an adjunct in therapy, but I'd love to read an updated book!
In part, the writing style seemed to downplay the severity of insecure attachment and the impacts it has on people and their behavior. It also glosses over the fact that many insecurely attached people have outstandingly good qualities and strengths in addition to insecurity issues that serve to undermine those attributes at least partially. Perhaps starting from here, rather than reducing insecurely attached people to simply being "insecure" would have landed better for me.
Some of the "what to do" examples seem simplistic, in that, well, the book is 100 pages, which naturally makes all of this complex and important work more simple than it really is.
I recognize that ALS wrote this awhile ago as a handout for clients to be used as an adjunct in therapy, but I'd love to read an updated book!
February 8, 2023
This is partly a workbook. To truly use it to change you, you need to write out your feelings and self reflective responses to his questions on paper. And then ponder them. It should be a painful process. But you will come out changed. A short read, but extremely really helpful at initiating reflection on where you might be short in terms of life and happiness. Pushes you to eliminate insecurity not just through an attitude change but behavioural change as well. I’ve never had a self book genuinely shift my perspective on myself as much as this book. But to use it to its maximum potential you really really need to write/journal alongside. You only need a day to get through it. Highly highly recommend.
September 28, 2019
Honestly I felt personally attacked for the first 30/40% of this book - but then it really gave me tools to look at my life and how I act and try to improve myself. It’s not only a really useful book, it’s really well written. I like the scientific explanation of attachment theory a lot - I feel like if you are in therapy then the therapist isn’t going to explain the theory to you - which is fine. Because that’s not what you pay a therapist for. But this book educates you on the theory of why you, or someone you know is the way they are. It also gives great pointers on how to fix things that are going wrong.
May 24, 2024
A very helpful resource
Having just come out of a relationship I was in need of some concrete actions I could take to understand myself and to get myself out of negative patterns of insecurity once and for all. I read this book in two days. The author has a kind but honest approach and a very helpful series of steps to follow which as I apply them will help me understand issues more logically rather than misinterpreting them, and be able to share my needs without being needy. There are useful tools to prevent exhausting ruminating and pre-priming oneself for failure. Highly recommended for anyone who has these issues and wants to face them head!
Having just come out of a relationship I was in need of some concrete actions I could take to understand myself and to get myself out of negative patterns of insecurity once and for all. I read this book in two days. The author has a kind but honest approach and a very helpful series of steps to follow which as I apply them will help me understand issues more logically rather than misinterpreting them, and be able to share my needs without being needy. There are useful tools to prevent exhausting ruminating and pre-priming oneself for failure. Highly recommended for anyone who has these issues and wants to face them head!
December 17, 2023
An excellent short read for people who struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem. I often felt like the author must have scanned my brain before writing this book because of how scarily accurate a lot of the descriptions of insecure people were. Adam gives several simple but highly-effective methods for improving relationships, and I intend to try them out for myself. This book seems like a no-brainer when you consider the potential value weighed against the comparatively small time investment required to absorb the information presented.
September 15, 2022
Always wondered why I sometimes felt ambivalent or even anxious about receiving praise, this book helped clear it up. Worth a read if you would like to become a secure individual with a strong sense of identity and purpose. The whole idea of attachment issues being passed down from generation to generation as well as the effect that each individual person has on the future generations is fantastic. If you are determined to do so, the buck can stop with you and the healing can begin.
February 11, 2020
Excellent advice
Adam is concise on his approach. Simple to apply strategies. Ignore there bad reviews. Twitter haters is what it sounds like to me. We live in a victim culture where your confusion, insecurities and fears are validated as values and the hopelessness is cemented. You can be free from your own emotional hostage taking. Don't be afraid.
Adam is concise on his approach. Simple to apply strategies. Ignore there bad reviews. Twitter haters is what it sounds like to me. We live in a victim culture where your confusion, insecurities and fears are validated as values and the hopelessness is cemented. You can be free from your own emotional hostage taking. Don't be afraid.
March 29, 2023
Very interesting and quick read. The book is not what I thought it was going be, but good overall. The only minus, in my opinion, is that the provided methods are more applicable for people with anxious and disorganized attachment style, not for avoidant.
August 27, 2023
Better than most self help books 📚 it actually gives good advice and tools to start working on yourself. There is a lot of “marriage” “partner” tips but never really much help when you’re single and alone. But most self helps do this.
November 27, 2024
Short read, which sometimes is nice but sometimes felt like he was skimming the surface on some complex issues, and not addressing how complex it can be. I did get some insights from the book, but a lot was too generalized to really be helpful.
September 9, 2021
Incredible. Must read for just about everybody.
October 9, 2021
Short and easy book as an introduction to understanding yours' and others' attachment issues and if you are struggling, how to start your journey to become your best self.
October 19, 2021
Good short one
March 26, 2022
Amazing book!
Enfj and isfj should be specially amazed.
Enfj and isfj should be specially amazed.
June 25, 2022
Dense with information, easy to read and actionable. Includes fictional personas to identify with.
July 4, 2022
a great resource to help become secure
Adam lays out a great road map on how to deal with attachment issues.
A must read for insecure attached individuals.
Adam lays out a great road map on how to deal with attachment issues.
A must read for insecure attached individuals.
August 30, 2022
I found the chapter on legacy to be surprisingly insightful.
March 23, 2023
Developing principles and learning to negotiate stood out most as the solutions for handling insecure attachments.
March 25, 2025
Very helpful, practical advice.
August 26, 2025
I didn't like some of it, however the "Invest in people, not outcomes" chapter was good, though I've read similar in other books
November 4, 2022
I like the way the exercises are presented.
September 8, 2022
If you struggle with insecurity, detachment issues, or just want to improve yourself in any way connected to emotional health then you NEED to read this book.
I found Adam's work through social media (TikTok, IG, YT) and his content started to connect some dots with my own life and past and some things I needed to learn about and work through. It is a short read but the content was just incredible.
I was taking notes, highlighting passages, and marking sections for reflection on almost every page. There are helpful tips and guides for making meaningful change in your life and beginning a path of recovery from detachment issues.
If you are struggling in relationships to connect and share openly and honestly, then I would encourage you to read this book and watch more of Adam's content.
I found Adam's work through social media (TikTok, IG, YT) and his content started to connect some dots with my own life and past and some things I needed to learn about and work through. It is a short read but the content was just incredible.
I was taking notes, highlighting passages, and marking sections for reflection on almost every page. There are helpful tips and guides for making meaningful change in your life and beginning a path of recovery from detachment issues.
If you are struggling in relationships to connect and share openly and honestly, then I would encourage you to read this book and watch more of Adam's content.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews