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Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder
Everyone involved with ADHD will find the information in this book invaluable, especially people with ADHD, their loved ones, and couples therapists, who often mistake ADHD for "communication problems" or "personality differences." Meticulously researched and presented with empathy and humor, _Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?_ offers the latest information from top experts, who explain the science and proven protocols for reducing ADHD's most challenging symptoms. Real-life details come from the partners themselves, who share their stories with touching candor yet plenty of humor.
369 pages, Paperback
First published August 31, 2008
610 people are currently reading
3053 people want to read
About the author
Gina Pera
6 books30 followersGina Pera is an author and educator on Adult ADHD based in the San Francisco Bay area.
She offers online courses, including group Zoom meetings, at ADHD Success Training—for individuals, couples, and professionals.
Gina's body of work focuses on translating the science, the lived experience, and range of complexities around ADHD into clear language — without "dumbing it down." No one is a "quart low on dopamine!"
1. The preeminent research scientist in the field of ADHD, Dr. Russell Barkley, asked Gina to write the chapter on couple therapy for the latest revision of his "gold standard" clinical guide: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment (2014).
2. Gina is the co-author, with psychologist Arthur Robin, of the first professional guide to couple therapy for Adult ADHD based on the evidence of what works for Adult ADHD and for couple therapy (Routledge, 2016): Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions
Her first book, the bestselling Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coater When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder, put ADHD relationships on the map.
It also garnered four national book awards:
She offers online courses, including group Zoom meetings, at ADHD Success Training—for individuals, couples, and professionals.
Gina's body of work focuses on translating the science, the lived experience, and range of complexities around ADHD into clear language — without "dumbing it down." No one is a "quart low on dopamine!"
1. The preeminent research scientist in the field of ADHD, Dr. Russell Barkley, asked Gina to write the chapter on couple therapy for the latest revision of his "gold standard" clinical guide: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment (2014).
2. Gina is the co-author, with psychologist Arthur Robin, of the first professional guide to couple therapy for Adult ADHD based on the evidence of what works for Adult ADHD and for couple therapy (Routledge, 2016): Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions
Her first book, the bestselling Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coater When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder, put ADHD relationships on the map.
It also garnered four national book awards:
1. Best Psychology Book (Silver); 2008 Benjamin Franklin Awards
2. Bill Fisher Award for Best First Non-fiction book (Silver); 2008 Benjamin Franklin Awards
3. Best Psychology Book (Gold); 2008 Foreword Magazine Awards
4. Best Family and Relationships Book (Silver); 2008 Foreword Magazine Awards
With a background as an award-winning print journalist, Gina brought those skills to researching Adult ADHD after her husband was diagnosed in 1999.
For two decades, she has led discussion groups for adults with ADHD and their partners in Palo Alto, California. She also founded and moderates a long-running free and private online discussion group for the partners of adults with ADHD—at last count, 1,000 members worldwide.
Her award-winning ADHD Roller Coaster blog—the first blog on Adult ADHD (2008) features news of research findings, first-person essays, and other topics affecting the ADHD community.
She offers private consultations and is a popular speaker internationally.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 145 reviews
June 11, 2024
Validation for those of us saying it's not me, it's you. This book gave me the answers I was seeking through words and real-life scenarios that rang so true I thought they were taken as direct examples from my life.
I read this book because I knew the issues with my loved one didn't stem from the common diagnoses like depression, anxiety, or stress. The sense of relief I felt after reading just a few chapters was so overwhelming, I finally had an answer. For me, the answer was so clear, I saw ADHD in action in directly relatable ways; there is no longer any room for doubt that it might be me, or it might be this or that.
I have read other adult ADHD books but never really got much out of them; I was still left with doubts. The overarching best feature of this book is that it doesn't just list the general characteristics but provides a specific example of how that sign or symptom might exhibit in everyday life.
I recommend reading this if someone in your life shows signs of depression, anxiety, and stress, yet none of those singly or together fully explain or define their behaviors, actions, or thought patterns. Your loved one may or may not have ADHD, but you will come away with improved clarity and a more optimistic outlook that you too will find your answers.
I read this book because I knew the issues with my loved one didn't stem from the common diagnoses like depression, anxiety, or stress. The sense of relief I felt after reading just a few chapters was so overwhelming, I finally had an answer. For me, the answer was so clear, I saw ADHD in action in directly relatable ways; there is no longer any room for doubt that it might be me, or it might be this or that.
I have read other adult ADHD books but never really got much out of them; I was still left with doubts. The overarching best feature of this book is that it doesn't just list the general characteristics but provides a specific example of how that sign or symptom might exhibit in everyday life.
I recommend reading this if someone in your life shows signs of depression, anxiety, and stress, yet none of those singly or together fully explain or define their behaviors, actions, or thought patterns. Your loved one may or may not have ADHD, but you will come away with improved clarity and a more optimistic outlook that you too will find your answers.
December 15, 2015
I'm the one with ADHD, not my boyfriend. And I wouldn't have a boyfriend without this book.
If you have ADHD, this is THE BEST book to read first. Lots of books talk about medication or therapy, but they never warn you that lots of therapists are screwed up in their understanding of ADHD and how to find therapists that DO get ADHD. Same with medication. This book lays it out: if you're gonna take meds, here's how to approach it the right way, so you don't get bummed out by the side effects. If you're going to shell out money to see a therapist, make sure that therapist understands ADHD, or be prepared to have things get worse in a hurry.
Some parts of it aren't easy to read (as in "the truth hurts"), but overall the author really "gets" ADHD and does a great job of building bridges between people with ADHD and those who don't have it. The book is also good for couples where both people have ADHD, because I actually think my boyfriend has some ADHD, but while I'm the hyper type, he's the laid-back type.
I asked my therapist to get a copy, because even though she knows a fair bit about ADHD, mostly I know more than her after reading Is It You, Me, or ADD? GREAT BOOK!!!!
If you have ADHD, this is THE BEST book to read first. Lots of books talk about medication or therapy, but they never warn you that lots of therapists are screwed up in their understanding of ADHD and how to find therapists that DO get ADHD. Same with medication. This book lays it out: if you're gonna take meds, here's how to approach it the right way, so you don't get bummed out by the side effects. If you're going to shell out money to see a therapist, make sure that therapist understands ADHD, or be prepared to have things get worse in a hurry.
Some parts of it aren't easy to read (as in "the truth hurts"), but overall the author really "gets" ADHD and does a great job of building bridges between people with ADHD and those who don't have it. The book is also good for couples where both people have ADHD, because I actually think my boyfriend has some ADHD, but while I'm the hyper type, he's the laid-back type.
I asked my therapist to get a copy, because even though she knows a fair bit about ADHD, mostly I know more than her after reading Is It You, Me, or ADD? GREAT BOOK!!!!
July 4, 2014
Oh my heavens. If you're married to someone with ADHD, BUY THIS BOOK!!!!! It is so validating! It's changing my life! I finally have hope again, and I'm not even finished reading. This book is so right on - with both sides: the person WITH, and the person WITHOUT, ADHD.
Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel. If there's someone close to you (particularly an adult) with ADHD, this book will EMPOWER you more than you can comprehend.
Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel. If there's someone close to you (particularly an adult) with ADHD, this book will EMPOWER you more than you can comprehend.
June 18, 2012
NOTE: this is a slightly abridged version from my own site, which focuses on creative and/or gifted adults with ADHD. You can read the full story and other reviews at www.jaclynpaul.com
If you don't read the whole review, know this: Stopping the Roller Coaster is an absolute must for anyone in a long-term relationship where one or more partners have ADHD.
When I was in art school, a professor I respected deeply warned us that as artists, having a marriage fall apart was going to be more likely for us than for regular folk.
Why? That singular dedication and drive, that chaos, that unwillingness or even inability to prioritize our spouses and our practical responsibilities over our work, which we might get wrapped up in for days or weeks. We may not come to bed until 3:00 a.m. We may not pay the bills on time or remember to pick up the dry cleaning before a formal gala. We may appear not to care about anything or anyone when we are working.
That sounds an awful lot like ADHD, which affects a great deal of intense creative thinkers. In fact, my husband -- a computer programmer, which is a cousin to artist -- fits this description exactly.
When I read this book, I gave it to him immediately, saying, "this is a book about us." He now credits Stopping the Roller Coaster with changing his entire perspective on life.
Stopping the Roller Coaster focuses not just on obvious task completion problems associated with ADHD, but the oft-overlooked range of executive functioning deficiencies that create serious relationship schisms and render typical couples' therapy and communication/conflict resolution strategies ineffective, including:
* Listening -- really listening -- to your partner and comprehending what they've told you
* Empathy
* Seeing a situation from your partner's perspective
* Comprehending cause and effect, including the impact your behavior has on your partner
* Emotional regulation, biploar behavior, and/or heightened emotional responses to everyday situations
* Handling adult responsibilities and being reliable when your partner needs you
Pera also hits on the surprising manifestations of hyperactivity and in attentiveness in adults:
* Hyperfocus -- getting absorbed in a project to the exclusion of anything (or anyone) else
* High-risk behavior, including substance abuse and aggressive driving
* Picking fights, then blaming your partner for becoming upset as a result of the conflict
* Blurting out private or inappropriate information about your partner in social settings
* Insatiability and an inability to feel satisfied with anything (or anyone) in your life
The extensive research and real-life anecdotes open the door for couples to see clearly and begin to make sense of the ADHD partner's "confusing ups and downs of selfishness and generosity, irritability and sweetness, brilliance and boneheadedness."
For many readers, Pera's research will bring together disparate pieces they never knew belonged to the same puzzle. For those with unrecognized/undiagnosed ADHD, it will be a revelation. My husband responded after the first few chapters that he couldn't believe everything he "didn't like about [himself]" had a common root and could be changed with proper strategies and medication.
For that sense of hope alone, I recommend this book for any adult who is consistently late, has trouble thinking before speaking, misses deadlines constantly, and struggles to manage long-term intimate relationships. Often these people know they are not reaching their full potential but feel powerless to get their lives under control. Because they are perfectly capable of focusing -- hyperfocusing, even -- on things that deeply interest them, their partners and colleagues come to the sensible but wholly incorrect conclusion that they just don't care.
Pera also concisely debunks the idea that such mental disorders are a "gift" and stresses that our "strengths are independent of [our] ADHD" and, in fact, the "ADHD fog can obscure the best of qualities." Treating these disorders doesn't remove our capacity for innovation and brilliance. Quite the contrary: it frees us from our feelings of helplessness and lack of control.
Many readers may find the consistent roller coaster metaphor helps them string together concepts expressed throughout the book. I found it tedious and distracting because I prefer to delve straight into theories and statistics. However, my distaste for the visual metaphor was by far my biggest criticism, and I suspect Stopping the Roller Coaster has saved more than a few marriages. I had no idea how lucky we were until I read all those other couples' stories!
There is an audio book version available, which I purchased for my husband because he prefers to read books that way. If you are an audio book fan, be warned: he found the narrator a bit too "frowny" during the anecdotes and examples of ADHD partners' bad behavior, which undermined the spirit of the text. That said, if you feel you or your partner will only read the book in this format, it's still well worth the investment. Personally, I preferred the Kindle edition so I could make copious notes, bookmarks, and highlights that would be sortable and searchable later.
All in all, Stopping the Roller Coaster combines just enough science for the lay reader with a wealth of real-life stories from people in long-term relationships with an ADHD partner. It can feel disorienting to read so many stories you thought were unique to you, your marriage, or your partner, but the end result is hope: hope that you can be successful in all aspects of life, hope that this is not the price you pay for talent and creativity, hope that you can reduce the baseline of anxiety and frustration in your home, and hope that you can take control of your life in a way you never thought possible.
If you don't read the whole review, know this: Stopping the Roller Coaster is an absolute must for anyone in a long-term relationship where one or more partners have ADHD.
When I was in art school, a professor I respected deeply warned us that as artists, having a marriage fall apart was going to be more likely for us than for regular folk.
Why? That singular dedication and drive, that chaos, that unwillingness or even inability to prioritize our spouses and our practical responsibilities over our work, which we might get wrapped up in for days or weeks. We may not come to bed until 3:00 a.m. We may not pay the bills on time or remember to pick up the dry cleaning before a formal gala. We may appear not to care about anything or anyone when we are working.
That sounds an awful lot like ADHD, which affects a great deal of intense creative thinkers. In fact, my husband -- a computer programmer, which is a cousin to artist -- fits this description exactly.
When I read this book, I gave it to him immediately, saying, "this is a book about us." He now credits Stopping the Roller Coaster with changing his entire perspective on life.
Stopping the Roller Coaster focuses not just on obvious task completion problems associated with ADHD, but the oft-overlooked range of executive functioning deficiencies that create serious relationship schisms and render typical couples' therapy and communication/conflict resolution strategies ineffective, including:
* Listening -- really listening -- to your partner and comprehending what they've told you
* Empathy
* Seeing a situation from your partner's perspective
* Comprehending cause and effect, including the impact your behavior has on your partner
* Emotional regulation, biploar behavior, and/or heightened emotional responses to everyday situations
* Handling adult responsibilities and being reliable when your partner needs you
Pera also hits on the surprising manifestations of hyperactivity and in attentiveness in adults:
* Hyperfocus -- getting absorbed in a project to the exclusion of anything (or anyone) else
* High-risk behavior, including substance abuse and aggressive driving
* Picking fights, then blaming your partner for becoming upset as a result of the conflict
* Blurting out private or inappropriate information about your partner in social settings
* Insatiability and an inability to feel satisfied with anything (or anyone) in your life
The extensive research and real-life anecdotes open the door for couples to see clearly and begin to make sense of the ADHD partner's "confusing ups and downs of selfishness and generosity, irritability and sweetness, brilliance and boneheadedness."
For many readers, Pera's research will bring together disparate pieces they never knew belonged to the same puzzle. For those with unrecognized/undiagnosed ADHD, it will be a revelation. My husband responded after the first few chapters that he couldn't believe everything he "didn't like about [himself]" had a common root and could be changed with proper strategies and medication.
For that sense of hope alone, I recommend this book for any adult who is consistently late, has trouble thinking before speaking, misses deadlines constantly, and struggles to manage long-term intimate relationships. Often these people know they are not reaching their full potential but feel powerless to get their lives under control. Because they are perfectly capable of focusing -- hyperfocusing, even -- on things that deeply interest them, their partners and colleagues come to the sensible but wholly incorrect conclusion that they just don't care.
Pera also concisely debunks the idea that such mental disorders are a "gift" and stresses that our "strengths are independent of [our] ADHD" and, in fact, the "ADHD fog can obscure the best of qualities." Treating these disorders doesn't remove our capacity for innovation and brilliance. Quite the contrary: it frees us from our feelings of helplessness and lack of control.
Many readers may find the consistent roller coaster metaphor helps them string together concepts expressed throughout the book. I found it tedious and distracting because I prefer to delve straight into theories and statistics. However, my distaste for the visual metaphor was by far my biggest criticism, and I suspect Stopping the Roller Coaster has saved more than a few marriages. I had no idea how lucky we were until I read all those other couples' stories!
There is an audio book version available, which I purchased for my husband because he prefers to read books that way. If you are an audio book fan, be warned: he found the narrator a bit too "frowny" during the anecdotes and examples of ADHD partners' bad behavior, which undermined the spirit of the text. That said, if you feel you or your partner will only read the book in this format, it's still well worth the investment. Personally, I preferred the Kindle edition so I could make copious notes, bookmarks, and highlights that would be sortable and searchable later.
All in all, Stopping the Roller Coaster combines just enough science for the lay reader with a wealth of real-life stories from people in long-term relationships with an ADHD partner. It can feel disorienting to read so many stories you thought were unique to you, your marriage, or your partner, but the end result is hope: hope that you can be successful in all aspects of life, hope that this is not the price you pay for talent and creativity, hope that you can reduce the baseline of anxiety and frustration in your home, and hope that you can take control of your life in a way you never thought possible.
May 15, 2012
For the moment I have to stop reading this book since it's actually making me very depressed.
Based on the reaction some people have to negative reviews of this book on other parts of the internet I'm cautious to be honest about my feelings, but I have to say that I found this book very hard to get through because it is very damning of the ADHD person. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand why and the author says herself that the person with ADHD won't necessarily have all these traits nor do I recall her blaming the person and saying that it's a personal choice, but it is beyond demoralizing to be told repeatedly how terrible you are.
It's funny that one of the traits cited for Adult ADHD is low self esteem and yet the people (with ADHD) depicted in these personal accounts seem to be lacking the most basic sense of shame, or if they do, it doesn't seem to be presented that way. Instead we are treated to a series of one-dimensional, self-absorbed, out-of-control rageaholics who seem completely incapable of even the slightest bit of empathy. And it's important to acknowledge that for some people this may be very true, that the person in their life afflicted with ADHD may indeed be all of these things and more, but it seems that each and every example presents an ADHD person this way as if we were all interchangeable.
To be honest, I think my father suffers undiagnosed ADHD and is very similar to the person described within this book. But I too believe I have ADHD and while I have some very undesirable traits that I can only thank my wife for being so good to put up with, I am not as terrible as this book makes me feel. I just know I'm not, which maybe to some sounds like an ADHD person denying their responsibility and refusing to acknowledge their destructive tendencies, but I am aware of my shortcomings, I am in both couples and single therapy, I am being tested as far as testing can go for ADHD, and as soon as the diagnosis is confirmed I will begin medication along with behavioral therapy. I very sincerely want to get better, I want to be a better wife, a better friend, someone I am proud of when I look in the mirror.
I don't think all the current literature that espouses the virtues of ADHD is any better, mind, because there are some serious drawbacks in both personal life and in the lives of those they interact with, but I would like more than anything is a book that neither treats me like a special, gifted snowflake with a unique brain or a book that lists every terrible trait that comes with ADHD and how it has essentially ruined the lives of everyone around them. I guess I want a balanced view, one that acknowledges the feelings of both parties instead of claiming to acknowledge both sides and representing (either one!) exclusively.
Also, before anyone responds with "This is a guide for the partner, not the person with ADHD" there are several prominent researchers in the ADHD field that recommend this book not only to spouses, but to the ADHD partner and even more personal accounts from people with ADHD and without that recommend it for them as well.
Another note if anyone does read this review and wonders how far I read before stopping and casting judgement, I got up to Chapter 10: Third Plunge: Breaking Down In Illness-Or Through to Truth which is pg 131. This also doesn't mean I will never continue and maybe when I'm on medication I will be better able to assimilate the information without feeling hurt. I still also plan to have my spouse read this since she no doubt will find it more illuminating than I.
Based on the reaction some people have to negative reviews of this book on other parts of the internet I'm cautious to be honest about my feelings, but I have to say that I found this book very hard to get through because it is very damning of the ADHD person. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand why and the author says herself that the person with ADHD won't necessarily have all these traits nor do I recall her blaming the person and saying that it's a personal choice, but it is beyond demoralizing to be told repeatedly how terrible you are.
It's funny that one of the traits cited for Adult ADHD is low self esteem and yet the people (with ADHD) depicted in these personal accounts seem to be lacking the most basic sense of shame, or if they do, it doesn't seem to be presented that way. Instead we are treated to a series of one-dimensional, self-absorbed, out-of-control rageaholics who seem completely incapable of even the slightest bit of empathy. And it's important to acknowledge that for some people this may be very true, that the person in their life afflicted with ADHD may indeed be all of these things and more, but it seems that each and every example presents an ADHD person this way as if we were all interchangeable.
To be honest, I think my father suffers undiagnosed ADHD and is very similar to the person described within this book. But I too believe I have ADHD and while I have some very undesirable traits that I can only thank my wife for being so good to put up with, I am not as terrible as this book makes me feel. I just know I'm not, which maybe to some sounds like an ADHD person denying their responsibility and refusing to acknowledge their destructive tendencies, but I am aware of my shortcomings, I am in both couples and single therapy, I am being tested as far as testing can go for ADHD, and as soon as the diagnosis is confirmed I will begin medication along with behavioral therapy. I very sincerely want to get better, I want to be a better wife, a better friend, someone I am proud of when I look in the mirror.
I don't think all the current literature that espouses the virtues of ADHD is any better, mind, because there are some serious drawbacks in both personal life and in the lives of those they interact with, but I would like more than anything is a book that neither treats me like a special, gifted snowflake with a unique brain or a book that lists every terrible trait that comes with ADHD and how it has essentially ruined the lives of everyone around them. I guess I want a balanced view, one that acknowledges the feelings of both parties instead of claiming to acknowledge both sides and representing (either one!) exclusively.
Also, before anyone responds with "This is a guide for the partner, not the person with ADHD" there are several prominent researchers in the ADHD field that recommend this book not only to spouses, but to the ADHD partner and even more personal accounts from people with ADHD and without that recommend it for them as well.
Another note if anyone does read this review and wonders how far I read before stopping and casting judgement, I got up to Chapter 10: Third Plunge: Breaking Down In Illness-Or Through to Truth which is pg 131. This also doesn't mean I will never continue and maybe when I'm on medication I will be better able to assimilate the information without feeling hurt. I still also plan to have my spouse read this since she no doubt will find it more illuminating than I.
June 9, 2013
This review gets closer to a 3.5 than a 3, but that’s not an option!
As someone with ADHD, this book wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for; despite the fact that it specifically states it’s for partners of those with ADHD, I was hoping based on some of the reviews to get a little more personally out of it than I did. But considering the author herself describes it as a “support group in a book” for people who have partners with ADHD, it definitely meets this goal.
What I got out of the book personally: the author presents tons of evidence that ADHD is a “real” thing, not just brought about by the pharmaceutical industry to make a quick buck. She also points out how truly devastating it can be for people, and how helpful medication can be. It helped me realize that some of my problems I thought couldn’t be caused by something as simple as ADHD could definitely be caused by ADHD.
Many complained that the book showed people with ADHD in an extremely negative light. I had mixed feelings on this myself after finishing the book – on one hand, since this is indeed mainly a result of the author’s support group meetings, it would make sense that the stories she hears are more extreme than what might happen in other ADHD households. Also, the stories were generally about males with ADHD. The author DOES explain why women with ADHD partners are more likely to go to support groups than men with ADHD partners—however, this was almost exactly why I am hesitant to hand this book off to my boyfriend. ADD/ADHD manifests itself differently in men than in women, and I feel like this book might make him want to run for the hills. The book also has a bias towards people trying to convince their partner that they actually HAVE ADHD; while Pera acknowledges that medication can help a great deal but doesn’t solve all problems, nearly all success stories stop immediately after the partner starts getting medicated. There is very limited information on what happens after ADHD starts to be treated, other than those in the support group saying, “Bob is on medication now and he’s so much easier to live with, even though he still can’t find his keys sometimes!” While I imagine most of the challenges come before ADHD is treated, I’d be interested to know what can be done after, when things still aren’t perfect.
As someone with ADHD, this book wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for; despite the fact that it specifically states it’s for partners of those with ADHD, I was hoping based on some of the reviews to get a little more personally out of it than I did. But considering the author herself describes it as a “support group in a book” for people who have partners with ADHD, it definitely meets this goal.
What I got out of the book personally: the author presents tons of evidence that ADHD is a “real” thing, not just brought about by the pharmaceutical industry to make a quick buck. She also points out how truly devastating it can be for people, and how helpful medication can be. It helped me realize that some of my problems I thought couldn’t be caused by something as simple as ADHD could definitely be caused by ADHD.
Many complained that the book showed people with ADHD in an extremely negative light. I had mixed feelings on this myself after finishing the book – on one hand, since this is indeed mainly a result of the author’s support group meetings, it would make sense that the stories she hears are more extreme than what might happen in other ADHD households. Also, the stories were generally about males with ADHD. The author DOES explain why women with ADHD partners are more likely to go to support groups than men with ADHD partners—however, this was almost exactly why I am hesitant to hand this book off to my boyfriend. ADD/ADHD manifests itself differently in men than in women, and I feel like this book might make him want to run for the hills. The book also has a bias towards people trying to convince their partner that they actually HAVE ADHD; while Pera acknowledges that medication can help a great deal but doesn’t solve all problems, nearly all success stories stop immediately after the partner starts getting medicated. There is very limited information on what happens after ADHD starts to be treated, other than those in the support group saying, “Bob is on medication now and he’s so much easier to live with, even though he still can’t find his keys sometimes!” While I imagine most of the challenges come before ADHD is treated, I’d be interested to know what can be done after, when things still aren’t perfect.
May 24, 2021
I'm ADHD myself and got this book as I thought I'd find ways my partner and I could accommodate each other better. All I can say is yikes... Please don't talk about ADHD like it's separate from me as a person or something you wish there was "cure" for, there isn't one and it is my belief that there shouldn't be. I have come to love who I am and see my ADHD as me. I don't think see it as my "superpower" but I also don't see it as a "fatal flaw" as I don't draw comparisons with it to fatal illnesses. I use treatments like therapy and medication as a tools for managing the difficulties that come with my ADHD differences. I found the book's ADHD equivalences to cancer, strokes, and brain "glitches" at the least troubling and at most borderline eugenics speak. The tone of this book reminded me of autism speaks and the way some parents of Autistic children will see themselves as victims of Autism. This book chooses to speak and advise in terms of burden and shame as opposed to learning to destigmatize by fostering relationships built on mutual communication and acceptance. Reading these ancedotes and the way the relationship issues were all accredited to ADHD came off as reductive and problematic to me.
January 22, 2009
Very well researched; not given to hype or incomplete analysis of this difficult topic. When I have some money, I plan to buy copies of it for my counselor and others, as it is very helpful. I know Gina through an online support group for spouses of ADD folks, and she is very thorough in her work, and has gathered solid experts to contribute as well. If you are married to someone with ADD...go get this book. Immediately.
September 5, 2014
Written for partners of p/w (people with) AD/HD, by an award-winning journalist whose husband has AD/HD, Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? describes AD/HD symptoms; thoroughly explains AD/HD based on current brain research; communicates with anecdotes how AD/HD symptoms practically manifest in real life and their devastating and frequently annihilating impact on relationships; and provides success strategies for partners of p/w AD/HD for self-care, supporting their AD/HD partners in obtaining treatment, finding effective therapy for both parties and understanding the role of medication in managing AD/HD.
Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? is filled with factual information that helps one understand that the behaviors manifested by partners with AD/HD that appear selfish, childish, lazy, willfully incompetent, etc., most likely have an organic origin in their partner's brain and are not necessarily character issues or a reflection of how little their AD/HD partners love them. Describing the impacts of untreated AD/HD on relationships, very frequently accompanied by corollary challenges like substance and junk food abuse, emotional irritability, clinical anxiety, clinical depression and more, Ms. Pera also emphasizes repeatedly the necessity of successfully addressing the AD/HD before addressing the damaged relationship itself. Of exceptional usefulness is guidance Ms. Pera provides in the type of therapeutic modalities that are most effective and appropriate for you, your partner with AD/HD, and together, as well as how to gauge the competence of mental health professionals in AD/HD issues. Surprisingly, given the number of people having AD/HD, the mental health profession is apparently behind the curve in its understanding of, ability to correctly diagnose, and successfully treat AD/HD. If you end up with a well meaning dud, your relationship can get worse with bad advice rather than better.
Some of the guidance offered may seem to continue the same, exploitative practices that embitter partners of p/w AD/HD, such as taking responsibility to urge AD/HD partners to obtain an accurate diagnosis and treatment, or seeking appropriate therapists. It merely continues the reality that AD/HD becomes the burden and responsibility of the partner NOT having AD/HD, while the person WITH AD/HD continues on his/her merry way..."hyperfocusing" on something more fun--just like a child. However, getting your sick--and it can't be overemphasized that AD/HD is a medical condition--partner help IS the first step to self-care and, hopefully, repairing or saving your damaged relationship.
I really appreciated the hope that Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? provides partners of p/w AD/HD that, with hard work and commitment of both parties, one doesn't have to be condemned to the life-sucking role of their partner's caretaker, at the expense of one's own dreams and desires. And, it also provides hope that one's AD/HD partner isn't condemned to a life of failure and judgment.
I further appreciate that this book doesn't admonish partners of p/w AD/HD to "appreciate differences" or see AD/HD as "a gift." AD/HD is no gift when, as depicted in the book, your finances are in a chaotic state of disaster, you run the constant risk of car accidents because of your partner's "distracted" driving, you function as your partner's caretaker and maid, you live in a home that is the cause of humiliation because AD/HD is your interior designer, your partner's employment history is unstable, or you become subject to verbal and emotional abuse because of AD/HD corollaries.
Gina Pera's ,Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? is an invaluable tool for partners who love their p/w AD/HD life companions and are willing to fight for what is best for both of them.
Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? is filled with factual information that helps one understand that the behaviors manifested by partners with AD/HD that appear selfish, childish, lazy, willfully incompetent, etc., most likely have an organic origin in their partner's brain and are not necessarily character issues or a reflection of how little their AD/HD partners love them. Describing the impacts of untreated AD/HD on relationships, very frequently accompanied by corollary challenges like substance and junk food abuse, emotional irritability, clinical anxiety, clinical depression and more, Ms. Pera also emphasizes repeatedly the necessity of successfully addressing the AD/HD before addressing the damaged relationship itself. Of exceptional usefulness is guidance Ms. Pera provides in the type of therapeutic modalities that are most effective and appropriate for you, your partner with AD/HD, and together, as well as how to gauge the competence of mental health professionals in AD/HD issues. Surprisingly, given the number of people having AD/HD, the mental health profession is apparently behind the curve in its understanding of, ability to correctly diagnose, and successfully treat AD/HD. If you end up with a well meaning dud, your relationship can get worse with bad advice rather than better.
Some of the guidance offered may seem to continue the same, exploitative practices that embitter partners of p/w AD/HD, such as taking responsibility to urge AD/HD partners to obtain an accurate diagnosis and treatment, or seeking appropriate therapists. It merely continues the reality that AD/HD becomes the burden and responsibility of the partner NOT having AD/HD, while the person WITH AD/HD continues on his/her merry way..."hyperfocusing" on something more fun--just like a child. However, getting your sick--and it can't be overemphasized that AD/HD is a medical condition--partner help IS the first step to self-care and, hopefully, repairing or saving your damaged relationship.
I really appreciated the hope that Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? provides partners of p/w AD/HD that, with hard work and commitment of both parties, one doesn't have to be condemned to the life-sucking role of their partner's caretaker, at the expense of one's own dreams and desires. And, it also provides hope that one's AD/HD partner isn't condemned to a life of failure and judgment.
I further appreciate that this book doesn't admonish partners of p/w AD/HD to "appreciate differences" or see AD/HD as "a gift." AD/HD is no gift when, as depicted in the book, your finances are in a chaotic state of disaster, you run the constant risk of car accidents because of your partner's "distracted" driving, you function as your partner's caretaker and maid, you live in a home that is the cause of humiliation because AD/HD is your interior designer, your partner's employment history is unstable, or you become subject to verbal and emotional abuse because of AD/HD corollaries.
Gina Pera's ,Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? is an invaluable tool for partners who love their p/w AD/HD life companions and are willing to fight for what is best for both of them.
August 21, 2019
This book basically tells the Non-ADHD person to get treatment for their ADHD partner and highlights some examples of how ADHD impacts relationships, but does not really offer strategies to help reduce conflict. It would be better if there were examples on how to better manage the relationship with an ADHD partner.
July 22, 2010
This is a critical must read for people who are in a relationship with someone with adult ADD. Takes a technical approach to answering some of the most difficult questions, citing various journals and research case studies. The book includes references to other popular books on the subject and addresses common ADD partner issues such as "denial" and "losing identity during medical treatment."
Other approaches for the non-ADD partner to conflict resolution are included, like "hot spot" approaches, such as touching to gain attention before broaching a serious or important subject.
Recommended reading for Masters- Psychology, and highly recommended for studying MFT students. I will certainly use this reference in my practice to distinguish differences between Mars/Venus and ADD relationship issues.
I've also found it exceedingly helpful as a communication tool in my home life.
Other approaches for the non-ADD partner to conflict resolution are included, like "hot spot" approaches, such as touching to gain attention before broaching a serious or important subject.
Recommended reading for Masters- Psychology, and highly recommended for studying MFT students. I will certainly use this reference in my practice to distinguish differences between Mars/Venus and ADD relationship issues.
I've also found it exceedingly helpful as a communication tool in my home life.
February 11, 2021
I only read about 65% of this before I had to return it to the library but this book seemed to really paint people with ADD in a bad light. I started reading it because my partner thinks he may have ADD and I wanted to equip myself with problem solving skills but I don't hate my partner like the people in this book seem to. Maybe this book just isn't for me since it seems to be geared towards those whose relationships are actively suffering from untreated ADD. I dunno. Not for me!
August 30, 2012
Great one. A real eye opener for me. Thought I knew about ADD but I was totally ignorant to it. This book needs to be read by all couples.
October 7, 2012
Changed my life
June 30, 2018
Life-changing book. My son has ADD and I've long suspected my husband does too. I think I basically wept my way through this book (when I wasn't shouting "amen" or laughing). I am finally understanding why he does some of the things he does. Things that were painful to me were not intended that way. It's a critical piece of understanding him and working for a happier marriage. I wish I would have found this book 20 years ago. I feel like I'm a near expert on ADD in children (from my boy to my students) but had no idea how adult ADD (especially undiagnosed) manifests and what I can do to help my brilliant husband, who happens to have a brain that works totally different than mine! READ this if you have someone with ADD in your life, it was so validating and mind-opening.
September 21, 2010
This is the first book I've found that deals with the problems of living with a partner who has and possibly refuses to admit s/he has ADHD. A must-read if you or someone you love is living with this condition.
September 14, 2011
A must-read for anyone who thinks their spouse, parent, or other adult relative might have ADD or ADHD.
January 20, 2022
If you are going to read a book about how to tackle, treat and improve your ADHD-ridden relationship, this is THE book!
Gina is competent in laying out the research done in adult ADHD and relationships as well as the overall improvement you can expect both in individuals and couples with the right medical treatment. With her own spouse being diagnosed and treated (however, that was not an easy task), she experienced this type of relationship firsthand.
The thing about relationships where one or both of the partners have ADHD is that it's not only your spouse having the problems - it's also the relationship, which suffer greatly!
She explains how you can convince a partner with undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD how to look into this and seek treatment, but without being disrespectful. This benefits both you and your partner. She also explains why it can be impossible for a partner to recognize his/her symptoms and acknowledge their condition.
There are countless statements and stories from various group members in her support groups (ADHD Rollercoaster) and it's both entertaining as well as offer hopes for those in relationships where one or both spouses have this diagnosis.
She offers numerous book titles from leading psychologists in the US, most of which are leading experts within their field - among them Russel Barkley, author of several books about ADHD in adults.
Where she and Melissa Orlov (adhdmarriage.com) differs, lies in the scientific approach which Gina takes - and not in a bad way.
Also, Gina spread out the multitude of various ADHD traits but without the "learn to meditate and turning the other cheek" as a way of handling your marriage.
Instead she describes the science behind the traits.
One other thing I really liked about this book is the gender equality of treatment and case studies. Both men and women suffer from this condition, and there are countless ways they differ gender-wise. In this book we learn about both the subtle signs of ADHD as well as the more obvious.
Last but not least we learn more about the different treatment options from a psychological perspective, and it rang too close to home when she explained why traditional therapy with reliving difficult feelings from the past can make matters much worse. Instead cognitive behavioural therapy is the best way of treating ADHD emotionally.
But many therapists doesn't know enough about this condition, and so there tips for how to find a good and competent ADHD coach/therapist, both for individuals and the ADHD couple.
I can't recommend it enough!
Gina is competent in laying out the research done in adult ADHD and relationships as well as the overall improvement you can expect both in individuals and couples with the right medical treatment. With her own spouse being diagnosed and treated (however, that was not an easy task), she experienced this type of relationship firsthand.
The thing about relationships where one or both of the partners have ADHD is that it's not only your spouse having the problems - it's also the relationship, which suffer greatly!
She explains how you can convince a partner with undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD how to look into this and seek treatment, but without being disrespectful. This benefits both you and your partner. She also explains why it can be impossible for a partner to recognize his/her symptoms and acknowledge their condition.
There are countless statements and stories from various group members in her support groups (ADHD Rollercoaster) and it's both entertaining as well as offer hopes for those in relationships where one or both spouses have this diagnosis.
She offers numerous book titles from leading psychologists in the US, most of which are leading experts within their field - among them Russel Barkley, author of several books about ADHD in adults.
Where she and Melissa Orlov (adhdmarriage.com) differs, lies in the scientific approach which Gina takes - and not in a bad way.
Also, Gina spread out the multitude of various ADHD traits but without the "learn to meditate and turning the other cheek" as a way of handling your marriage.
Instead she describes the science behind the traits.
One other thing I really liked about this book is the gender equality of treatment and case studies. Both men and women suffer from this condition, and there are countless ways they differ gender-wise. In this book we learn about both the subtle signs of ADHD as well as the more obvious.
Last but not least we learn more about the different treatment options from a psychological perspective, and it rang too close to home when she explained why traditional therapy with reliving difficult feelings from the past can make matters much worse. Instead cognitive behavioural therapy is the best way of treating ADHD emotionally.
But many therapists doesn't know enough about this condition, and so there tips for how to find a good and competent ADHD coach/therapist, both for individuals and the ADHD couple.
I can't recommend it enough!
July 10, 2024
I'm writing before I finish listening to it because it's already helping me understand how to be a kinder, more compassionate human towards so many people who struggle with things I don't experience and understand.
It's a hopeful, helpful, enlightening book.
It's a hopeful, helpful, enlightening book.
January 23, 2023
I can't believe the author would say that this book would be good for the ADHD partner to read as well, and then proceed to say horrific things like people with ADHD lack empathy. It's ironic that she accuses those of us with ADHD as "thinking that the rest of the world needs to bend for them," yet once you get past what is effectively a long vent session, the actual advice she gives is effectively, "Fixing your relationship is easy! All you have to do is force the ADHD partner to seek professional treatment and go on stimulant medications until they no longer display any outward signs of having ADHD."
ADHD affects absolutely everything about the way I experience the world around me, for better or for worse. It's not a mouse that I can chase out of the kitchen with a broom; it *is* me. And I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't understand that.
ADHD affects absolutely everything about the way I experience the world around me, for better or for worse. It's not a mouse that I can chase out of the kitchen with a broom; it *is* me. And I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't understand that.
September 23, 2019
Some valuable content in the latter half, but the first half is pointless ranting. If you bough the book, you probably already know that ADHD is hard on relationships. You are probably looking for strategies to make it less hard. That comes eventually, but most of the book is testimonials of ADHD making life miserable.
If you are trying to work your way through DABDA, this book might be an aid. It will certainly dropkick you out of denial! The anger and depression bit, which is the bulk of the book goes on much longer than necessary.
If you are trying to work your way through DABDA, this book might be an aid. It will certainly dropkick you out of denial! The anger and depression bit, which is the bulk of the book goes on much longer than necessary.
July 1, 2019
As a professional who treats adults with ADHD, I loved this book when it came out a decade ago, and it remains at the top of the list of books I suggest for people who want to learn about the impact of their own ADHD on their communication and relationships or for their partners for help in dealing with the ADHD in the relationship. More than any other book, I have had patients come back and exclaim that a vignette perfectly captured an exchange they had had with their partner.
October 27, 2008
This is a complete book for someone who has ADD or someone who lives with someone who has ADD. Helps to unravel the myths and facts about ADD and how to cope. Encouragement and support for those diagnosed with ADD and those whose partners have ADD.
January 3, 2011
Great. Full of practical advice that eliminates the drama. Great strategies for any couple or any relationship, but especially for ADHD.
July 18, 2012
I purchased about 5 books on adult ADHD and this one has been the most successful in keeping my attention haha it's very informative and has great ideas.
October 6, 2012
Deep breath...pretty enlightening. Might even say life changing.
December 27, 2012
It was an eye-opener to the world of Adult ADD. I think this is an excellent resource for anyone with Adult ADD or anyone in a relationship with someone who has Adult ADD.
May 27, 2021
This book, in my opinion, spent too much time on case studies rather than offering solutions.
July 23, 2020
Is It You, Me, Or Adult ADD
By Gina Pera
- [ ] I can relate to a lot of these stories
- [ ] ADHD is chronically under diagnosed and under treated
- [ ] There are three types of ADHD, hyperactive, inattentive, and combined. Combined is the most common
- [ ] It is about 4% of the population has ADHD, it is estimated that it could be as high as 10%
- [ ] There is no standard test for testing and diagnosing ADHD
- [ ] Barkley: ADHD is an illness of focused attention, it is about where the attention is
- [ ] There is a constant refrain of working with therapists/specialists/doctors that don’t know or understand ADHD, so it often goes unnoticed, untreated, or diagnosed as something else
- [ ] Coping mechanisms
- [ ] I have many coping mechanisms: food, sex, alcohol, sugar
- [ ] Our coping mechanisms and strengths often cover up the deep craziness of the ADHD
Chapter 2
- [ ] Sufficient simulation and the reward to keep us focused
- [ ] Inattentive: inability to hold on to attention
- [ ] Impulsive: inability to hold on to a thought
- [ ] Hyperactive: inability to stop actions
- [ ] There evidence that genetics plays a huge role in ADHD, it can be a factor as high as 73%
- [ ] Barkley: it is a disorder of time - that is his major idea, ADHD and time
- [ ] Something about glucose and lack of it
- [ ] Shit it’s hard to pay attention to a book about lack of attention
Chapter 3
- [ ] Executive functions
- [ ] 5 modules
- [ ] Poor working memory:
- [ ] Delay in developing an internal voice:
- [ ] Difficulty regulating emotion and motivation: up and downs, this symptom can often cause a misdiagnosis of bipolar or another mood disorder. I can relate to this symptom. I am all emotion
- [ ] Challenges in pursuing long term goals:
- [ ] On again/off again performance:
3 causes of conflict
- [ ] Insatiability: being hard to please
- [ ] Difficulty empathizing: this can often be unseen or misinterpreted, what seems like empathy can often be attention or stimulus. Empathy requires two things - the ability to identify emotions/the ability to understand them and the ability to take the others perspective. They often expect others to adapt to them, they don’t see others perspective.
- [ ] Rigidity/inability to compromise: always has to be right, won’t change
- [ ] The chapter goes on to describe how ADHD effects a person, the experiences of a person with ADHD, the self pity, rejection, frustration, low achievement, I could relate to that
- [ ] People with ADHD have lower rates of college graduation, stay in lower levels of jobs, are prone to addiction, trouble with the law, and over all lower life achievement
- [ ] People with ADHD have low self awareness - this is certainly true
Chapter 4 - Finances
- [ ] Those with ADHD are impulsive and poor long term planning, this leads to chronic financial difficulties
- [ ] The thrill of the stimulus and high of buying something, takes over them
- [ ] They miss what is the priority and instead go for what grasps their attention, causing massive financial problems
- [ ] The low wage jobs, problems with long term employment, and poor planning for the future, causes financial problems, clearly executive functioning issues
- [ ] The financial problems caused by ADHD can be a huge problem in relationships
Chapter 5 - Driving
- [ ] Simply put people with ADHD are poor drivers, they are reckless, distracted, emotional, and chaotic
- [ ] They have more accidents, cause more wrecks, and more harm than other drivers
- [ ] The timing of medication should always be timed to a person driving, a person with ADHD should not drive if they are not on medication, just as a person with eye problems should not drive without glasses
- [ ] I am not a great driver, I am cautious and distracted, I need to use my turn signals more and be aware of my surroundings
Chapter 6 - sex
- [ ] ADHD and sex
- [ ] People with ADHD can be distracted, aloof, selfish lovers. They can be in and out of sex. They can be quick and out of touch
- [ ] Often times there is a lack of sex because the partner is distracted by something else or disengaged or there can be lack of sex because the person with ADHD has caused so much disruption, chaos, and mischief in the home that their partner does not want to have sex with them
- [ ] When the partner becomes more of a care taker or parent then they certainly do not want to have sex
- [ ] I have experienced the distraction and difficulty with sex, I was less engaged or on to something else the moment it was over
- [ ] There is a novelty and passion in the courtship and romance but that can soon dissipate as the relationship goes on, what one thought was love or passion was just the thrill of stimulus
- [ ] I wanted to book to talk more about infidelity but it did not
- [ ] I feel the stimulus of the pull of someone new and exciting, my eyes wander
Chapter 7/8 - the roller coaster
- [ ] These chapters go into the effect the people with ADHD has in the relationship
- [ ] They pick fights, deny responsibility, are irresponsible, gas light their partner, are distracted/inconsistent parents, they are up and down
- [ ] These are infuriating and frustrating for their partner, it’s terrible to be in the relationship
- [ ] The ADHD is looking for stimulus and they are misbehaving and causing conflict against their partner, this fuels and calms their stimulus
- [ ] Coping mechanisms, the ADHD has developed various coping mechanisms and many of them are not productive. They can be exercise, addictions, hobbies, or behaviors such as avoiding responsibility or blaming others. They have to develop better coping mechanisms
- [ ] Wow I can see myself in the sections on sex, conflict, addiction, and constantly looking for stimulus
- [ ] It really is a roller coaster being with someone that has ADHD, this chapter and the following section will break down and dive into that roller coaster
- [ ] There are more specific things in these two chapter that I may have missed and could review
Chapters 9-11: section 2
- [ ] The ADHD seems like they are constantly unintentionally gaslighting their partner
- [ ] The stories of the partners sound like abuse victims/ptsd/trauma
- [ ] They are constantly on guard and have to develop their own coping strategies, they have to protect themselves
- [ ] They never know when their partner is going to explode or ruin things
- [ ] ADHD really can and does destroy relationships, people, and families
- [ ] The non ADHD partner can unintentionally become an enabler to the ADHDer and this can make things worse
- [ ] There can actually be physical stress effects on the partner, the partner can be so burdened that there physical health deteriorates
- [ ] Support groups come up a ton and they seem really great, much of this book is based on experiences from a support groups. The partners get a lot out of not being alone and identifying with the shared experience of having a loved one with ADHD
- [ ] It is empathized that diagnosis usually comes from talking to people in the ADHDs live, the ADHD has so literally self awareness that they are almost impossible to diagnose themselves or speak to a doctor honestly
- [ ] You have to protect yourself and take care of yourself, save yourself and put yourself first, the untreated ADHD will destroy your world
- [ ] Jesus these stories are terrible, the partner is trapped and abused
- [ ] There is a comparison to children and partners of alcoholics, they really are similar
- [ ] The ADHD causes debt, arguments, unfinished projects, restlessness, isolation, embarrassment, and chaos
- [ ] The partner lives in a constant state of chaos, the home and their life is filled with chaos
- [ ] Their reality truly gets distorted, they don’t know if it is them or the ADHD. The ADHDer constantly distorts things to be against and on the partner, it is never the ADHDs fault. The partner looks internal and tries to change themselves but after enough change and being beaten down, it is clear that it can’t all be them, it is the ADHD. Their reality has been distorted, they have been traumatized from their partners ADHD
- [ ] The partner becomes isolated from community because of the disruptions and chaos that the ADHD has caused
- [ ] There is a constant roller coaster of emotions, this chapter describes the up and down nature - fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times I won’t get fooled again
- [ ] This is why I can’t get in a relationship with anyone that has ADHD
- [ ] How many ADHDers does it take to change a lightbulb …… long list of jokes
- [ ] Again these are powerful chapters that I am not doing justice
- [ ] I feel this and it makes me aware of my behavior and how I constantly have to work to be a better partner and manage my ADHD
Section 3: four success strategies
#1 take care of yourself
- [ ] Put yourself first, take care of yourself
- [ ] The ADHDer will take you down, protect yourself
- [ ] Your health is most important
#2 dealing with denial
- [ ] ADHDers are masters at denial
- [ ] Don’t cater to their denial
- [ ] Much of this book centers on ADHDers deny their condition and the terrible effect they have
- [ ] There is a condition that prevents people from seeing their condition, it is often not intentional denial, they literally can’t see the impact they have
- [ ] Rejection, stigma, discomfort, history of negativity, etc, are all factors in a persons denial
- [ ] This section helps me lift my resentment towards the people that deny their condition
- [ ] There has to be some forgiveness towards the person, the same brain that is broken is the same brain that is being used to try and fix themselves
- [ ] Goes on to talk about techniques for dealing with the denial partner
- [ ] Lots of clear, kind, patient, and firm communication
- [ ] This is a fantastic book, this is what is needed
- [ ] You are not your condition, adhd is a highly treatable condition. Speak to the condition, don’t condemn the person
- [ ] A personality is harder to change
#3 finding effective therapy
- [ ] Codependency is not a pathology
- [ ] Codependency is real, there is a whole section on codependency
- [ ] Find the right therapist, the wrong therapist can make things worse
- [ ] The pros and cons of talk therapy
- [ ] Blaming the past and our parents is no longer supported
- [ ] Find a therapist that understands and treats ADHD
- [ ] Another great chapter where I have few notes
- [ ] Interview your therapist
- [ ] It’s not entirely the ADHD, the partner has some responsibility too
- [ ] Support for CBT
- [ ] Many therapists are not trained in ADHD, get one that is
- [ ] The differences between social workers, therapists, MDs, and PhDs
- [ ] Therapists must adjust to the ADHDs rambling and tangets, in sessions they have to get the ADHD on track and make the best use of the time. I wish more people in my life would do this for me.
#4 understanding medications role
- [ ] All of the scientific evidence supports medication
- [ ] Medication works and it works quickly
- [ ] The history and science behind medication
- [ ] How medication works in the brain
- [ ] Medication + therapy + treatment = the best option
- [ ] Find the medication dose and kind that works best for you
- [ ] Another greater that I should have more notes on
- [ ] The untreated ADHD is like the person without a leg that refuses a prosthetic/wheel chair or any other help but insists that everyone walks at his speed and then gets mad when he falls over
5 factors that affect successful outcomes
- [ ] Skills deficits - problem solving, communication issues, executive functions, etc
- [ ] Cognitive distortions
- [ ] Family of origin - biology and learning
- [ ] Degree of impairment
- [ ] Coexisting conditions
5 guidlines for positive results
- [ ] Optimize medication
- [ ] Adjust your attitudes
- [ ] Learn new skills - practice new habits
- [ ] Cultivate romance
- [ ] Focus on resolving the top ADHD partnership challenges
Cooling the five hot spots
- [ ] Communication
- [ ] Organization/time management - forgetting
- [ ] Organization/time management - not finishing
- [ ] Organization - clutter
- [ ] Impulsivity/irritability
I am glad this book exists. It is comprehensive and detailed. It is one of the few books that address ADHD and relationships, it does so in an accessible way. I highly recommend this book.
ADHD is a severe disorder but it IS TREATABLE. This are solutions and help exists. If you have ADHD or someone in your life has it, know that there is a way out and ADHD can be treated. Please read this book.
By Gina Pera
- [ ] I can relate to a lot of these stories
- [ ] ADHD is chronically under diagnosed and under treated
- [ ] There are three types of ADHD, hyperactive, inattentive, and combined. Combined is the most common
- [ ] It is about 4% of the population has ADHD, it is estimated that it could be as high as 10%
- [ ] There is no standard test for testing and diagnosing ADHD
- [ ] Barkley: ADHD is an illness of focused attention, it is about where the attention is
- [ ] There is a constant refrain of working with therapists/specialists/doctors that don’t know or understand ADHD, so it often goes unnoticed, untreated, or diagnosed as something else
- [ ] Coping mechanisms
- [ ] I have many coping mechanisms: food, sex, alcohol, sugar
- [ ] Our coping mechanisms and strengths often cover up the deep craziness of the ADHD
Chapter 2
- [ ] Sufficient simulation and the reward to keep us focused
- [ ] Inattentive: inability to hold on to attention
- [ ] Impulsive: inability to hold on to a thought
- [ ] Hyperactive: inability to stop actions
- [ ] There evidence that genetics plays a huge role in ADHD, it can be a factor as high as 73%
- [ ] Barkley: it is a disorder of time - that is his major idea, ADHD and time
- [ ] Something about glucose and lack of it
- [ ] Shit it’s hard to pay attention to a book about lack of attention
Chapter 3
- [ ] Executive functions
- [ ] 5 modules
- [ ] Poor working memory:
- [ ] Delay in developing an internal voice:
- [ ] Difficulty regulating emotion and motivation: up and downs, this symptom can often cause a misdiagnosis of bipolar or another mood disorder. I can relate to this symptom. I am all emotion
- [ ] Challenges in pursuing long term goals:
- [ ] On again/off again performance:
3 causes of conflict
- [ ] Insatiability: being hard to please
- [ ] Difficulty empathizing: this can often be unseen or misinterpreted, what seems like empathy can often be attention or stimulus. Empathy requires two things - the ability to identify emotions/the ability to understand them and the ability to take the others perspective. They often expect others to adapt to them, they don’t see others perspective.
- [ ] Rigidity/inability to compromise: always has to be right, won’t change
- [ ] The chapter goes on to describe how ADHD effects a person, the experiences of a person with ADHD, the self pity, rejection, frustration, low achievement, I could relate to that
- [ ] People with ADHD have lower rates of college graduation, stay in lower levels of jobs, are prone to addiction, trouble with the law, and over all lower life achievement
- [ ] People with ADHD have low self awareness - this is certainly true
Chapter 4 - Finances
- [ ] Those with ADHD are impulsive and poor long term planning, this leads to chronic financial difficulties
- [ ] The thrill of the stimulus and high of buying something, takes over them
- [ ] They miss what is the priority and instead go for what grasps their attention, causing massive financial problems
- [ ] The low wage jobs, problems with long term employment, and poor planning for the future, causes financial problems, clearly executive functioning issues
- [ ] The financial problems caused by ADHD can be a huge problem in relationships
Chapter 5 - Driving
- [ ] Simply put people with ADHD are poor drivers, they are reckless, distracted, emotional, and chaotic
- [ ] They have more accidents, cause more wrecks, and more harm than other drivers
- [ ] The timing of medication should always be timed to a person driving, a person with ADHD should not drive if they are not on medication, just as a person with eye problems should not drive without glasses
- [ ] I am not a great driver, I am cautious and distracted, I need to use my turn signals more and be aware of my surroundings
Chapter 6 - sex
- [ ] ADHD and sex
- [ ] People with ADHD can be distracted, aloof, selfish lovers. They can be in and out of sex. They can be quick and out of touch
- [ ] Often times there is a lack of sex because the partner is distracted by something else or disengaged or there can be lack of sex because the person with ADHD has caused so much disruption, chaos, and mischief in the home that their partner does not want to have sex with them
- [ ] When the partner becomes more of a care taker or parent then they certainly do not want to have sex
- [ ] I have experienced the distraction and difficulty with sex, I was less engaged or on to something else the moment it was over
- [ ] There is a novelty and passion in the courtship and romance but that can soon dissipate as the relationship goes on, what one thought was love or passion was just the thrill of stimulus
- [ ] I wanted to book to talk more about infidelity but it did not
- [ ] I feel the stimulus of the pull of someone new and exciting, my eyes wander
Chapter 7/8 - the roller coaster
- [ ] These chapters go into the effect the people with ADHD has in the relationship
- [ ] They pick fights, deny responsibility, are irresponsible, gas light their partner, are distracted/inconsistent parents, they are up and down
- [ ] These are infuriating and frustrating for their partner, it’s terrible to be in the relationship
- [ ] The ADHD is looking for stimulus and they are misbehaving and causing conflict against their partner, this fuels and calms their stimulus
- [ ] Coping mechanisms, the ADHD has developed various coping mechanisms and many of them are not productive. They can be exercise, addictions, hobbies, or behaviors such as avoiding responsibility or blaming others. They have to develop better coping mechanisms
- [ ] Wow I can see myself in the sections on sex, conflict, addiction, and constantly looking for stimulus
- [ ] It really is a roller coaster being with someone that has ADHD, this chapter and the following section will break down and dive into that roller coaster
- [ ] There are more specific things in these two chapter that I may have missed and could review
Chapters 9-11: section 2
- [ ] The ADHD seems like they are constantly unintentionally gaslighting their partner
- [ ] The stories of the partners sound like abuse victims/ptsd/trauma
- [ ] They are constantly on guard and have to develop their own coping strategies, they have to protect themselves
- [ ] They never know when their partner is going to explode or ruin things
- [ ] ADHD really can and does destroy relationships, people, and families
- [ ] The non ADHD partner can unintentionally become an enabler to the ADHDer and this can make things worse
- [ ] There can actually be physical stress effects on the partner, the partner can be so burdened that there physical health deteriorates
- [ ] Support groups come up a ton and they seem really great, much of this book is based on experiences from a support groups. The partners get a lot out of not being alone and identifying with the shared experience of having a loved one with ADHD
- [ ] It is empathized that diagnosis usually comes from talking to people in the ADHDs live, the ADHD has so literally self awareness that they are almost impossible to diagnose themselves or speak to a doctor honestly
- [ ] You have to protect yourself and take care of yourself, save yourself and put yourself first, the untreated ADHD will destroy your world
- [ ] Jesus these stories are terrible, the partner is trapped and abused
- [ ] There is a comparison to children and partners of alcoholics, they really are similar
- [ ] The ADHD causes debt, arguments, unfinished projects, restlessness, isolation, embarrassment, and chaos
- [ ] The partner lives in a constant state of chaos, the home and their life is filled with chaos
- [ ] Their reality truly gets distorted, they don’t know if it is them or the ADHD. The ADHDer constantly distorts things to be against and on the partner, it is never the ADHDs fault. The partner looks internal and tries to change themselves but after enough change and being beaten down, it is clear that it can’t all be them, it is the ADHD. Their reality has been distorted, they have been traumatized from their partners ADHD
- [ ] The partner becomes isolated from community because of the disruptions and chaos that the ADHD has caused
- [ ] There is a constant roller coaster of emotions, this chapter describes the up and down nature - fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times I won’t get fooled again
- [ ] This is why I can’t get in a relationship with anyone that has ADHD
- [ ] How many ADHDers does it take to change a lightbulb …… long list of jokes
- [ ] Again these are powerful chapters that I am not doing justice
- [ ] I feel this and it makes me aware of my behavior and how I constantly have to work to be a better partner and manage my ADHD
Section 3: four success strategies
#1 take care of yourself
- [ ] Put yourself first, take care of yourself
- [ ] The ADHDer will take you down, protect yourself
- [ ] Your health is most important
#2 dealing with denial
- [ ] ADHDers are masters at denial
- [ ] Don’t cater to their denial
- [ ] Much of this book centers on ADHDers deny their condition and the terrible effect they have
- [ ] There is a condition that prevents people from seeing their condition, it is often not intentional denial, they literally can’t see the impact they have
- [ ] Rejection, stigma, discomfort, history of negativity, etc, are all factors in a persons denial
- [ ] This section helps me lift my resentment towards the people that deny their condition
- [ ] There has to be some forgiveness towards the person, the same brain that is broken is the same brain that is being used to try and fix themselves
- [ ] Goes on to talk about techniques for dealing with the denial partner
- [ ] Lots of clear, kind, patient, and firm communication
- [ ] This is a fantastic book, this is what is needed
- [ ] You are not your condition, adhd is a highly treatable condition. Speak to the condition, don’t condemn the person
- [ ] A personality is harder to change
#3 finding effective therapy
- [ ] Codependency is not a pathology
- [ ] Codependency is real, there is a whole section on codependency
- [ ] Find the right therapist, the wrong therapist can make things worse
- [ ] The pros and cons of talk therapy
- [ ] Blaming the past and our parents is no longer supported
- [ ] Find a therapist that understands and treats ADHD
- [ ] Another great chapter where I have few notes
- [ ] Interview your therapist
- [ ] It’s not entirely the ADHD, the partner has some responsibility too
- [ ] Support for CBT
- [ ] Many therapists are not trained in ADHD, get one that is
- [ ] The differences between social workers, therapists, MDs, and PhDs
- [ ] Therapists must adjust to the ADHDs rambling and tangets, in sessions they have to get the ADHD on track and make the best use of the time. I wish more people in my life would do this for me.
#4 understanding medications role
- [ ] All of the scientific evidence supports medication
- [ ] Medication works and it works quickly
- [ ] The history and science behind medication
- [ ] How medication works in the brain
- [ ] Medication + therapy + treatment = the best option
- [ ] Find the medication dose and kind that works best for you
- [ ] Another greater that I should have more notes on
- [ ] The untreated ADHD is like the person without a leg that refuses a prosthetic/wheel chair or any other help but insists that everyone walks at his speed and then gets mad when he falls over
5 factors that affect successful outcomes
- [ ] Skills deficits - problem solving, communication issues, executive functions, etc
- [ ] Cognitive distortions
- [ ] Family of origin - biology and learning
- [ ] Degree of impairment
- [ ] Coexisting conditions
5 guidlines for positive results
- [ ] Optimize medication
- [ ] Adjust your attitudes
- [ ] Learn new skills - practice new habits
- [ ] Cultivate romance
- [ ] Focus on resolving the top ADHD partnership challenges
Cooling the five hot spots
- [ ] Communication
- [ ] Organization/time management - forgetting
- [ ] Organization/time management - not finishing
- [ ] Organization - clutter
- [ ] Impulsivity/irritability
I am glad this book exists. It is comprehensive and detailed. It is one of the few books that address ADHD and relationships, it does so in an accessible way. I highly recommend this book.
ADHD is a severe disorder but it IS TREATABLE. This are solutions and help exists. If you have ADHD or someone in your life has it, know that there is a way out and ADHD can be treated. Please read this book.
August 18, 2020
As someone with ADHD, this was a very hard book to listen to. Not because of the pace or the amount of information or anything technical like that. It was hard to read because it is written for the partner in a relationship that does not have ADHD but has to cope with someone who does. As the person with ADHD in the relationship I found it extremely sad, frustrating & agonizing whenever I'd read something that resonated with who I am so clearly. Over & over again I found myself asking whether I was indeed as difficult to live with as the many examples in this book. If I am then I feel both terribly guilty about it as well as extremely frustrated in having something so destructive that I've misunderstood for so long.
That said, this is an excellent book. It's very comprehensive & the author genuinely "gets" what ADHD is all about. Over & over again the descriptions resonated profoundly. There are definitely variations on a graduated scale of intensity on all of these aspects of ADHD & not every symptom applies to everyone with ADHD or those dealing with an ADHD partner. But I think anyone with ADHD & especially those dealing without ADHD but in a relationship with someone who does will find an enormous amount of value from this book.
I have advice for both sides:
For those with ADHD - If you have ADHD then read this book with an open mind & realize that there are things you can do to make things better. Stop denying or beating yourself up but take heed of the solutions & work towards better managing your affliction. ADHD may not be your fault, but that doesn't mean you're not responsible for what you do about it. Both sides need to work together for progress to happen & success to be the result. Don't be so proud as to not seek out solutions & help. Be empathetic & try to see yourself through your partner's eyes.
For those without ADHD - If you don't have ADHD but are either in a partnership with someone who does or have a child suffering with it then this book is written explicitly for you. Read it with an open mind & reflect on your role in the relationship. Yes, it stinks that this has to be a part of your relationship but it also had a lot to do with what attracted you in the first place. Don't forget that. Be patient & understanding because it's not going to be an easy fix. In fact there isn't a fix for it, but it doesn't have to ruin your relationship. Be empathetic & try to see your partner through their eyes.
I've recommended this book to my wife several times while going through it. She's done a much better job learning about ADHD than I have but I think this book holds a lot of value she will appreciate.
That said, this is an excellent book. It's very comprehensive & the author genuinely "gets" what ADHD is all about. Over & over again the descriptions resonated profoundly. There are definitely variations on a graduated scale of intensity on all of these aspects of ADHD & not every symptom applies to everyone with ADHD or those dealing with an ADHD partner. But I think anyone with ADHD & especially those dealing without ADHD but in a relationship with someone who does will find an enormous amount of value from this book.
I have advice for both sides:
For those with ADHD - If you have ADHD then read this book with an open mind & realize that there are things you can do to make things better. Stop denying or beating yourself up but take heed of the solutions & work towards better managing your affliction. ADHD may not be your fault, but that doesn't mean you're not responsible for what you do about it. Both sides need to work together for progress to happen & success to be the result. Don't be so proud as to not seek out solutions & help. Be empathetic & try to see yourself through your partner's eyes.
For those without ADHD - If you don't have ADHD but are either in a partnership with someone who does or have a child suffering with it then this book is written explicitly for you. Read it with an open mind & reflect on your role in the relationship. Yes, it stinks that this has to be a part of your relationship but it also had a lot to do with what attracted you in the first place. Don't forget that. Be patient & understanding because it's not going to be an easy fix. In fact there isn't a fix for it, but it doesn't have to ruin your relationship. Be empathetic & try to see your partner through their eyes.
I've recommended this book to my wife several times while going through it. She's done a much better job learning about ADHD than I have but I think this book holds a lot of value she will appreciate.
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