This Heart Holds Many: My Life as the Nonbinary Millennial Child of a Polyamorous Family

by Koe Creation, Elisabeth Sheff (Foreword)

Many of us were asked by our mother to do the dishes as children. Perhaps some of us would need to be asked more than once. Koe Creation was the type who'd get asked three times, by three different mothers. Crowded parent-teacher conferences, queer youth summer camp, and parental adoptions over potluck dinner were typical of Koe's otherwise divergent upbringing raised in a queer, polyamorous family. Taught from young age to embrace sex-positivity and LGBT acceptance, Koe had, no doubt, an experience of "family values" that differs wildly from that of many who were raised in conservative North America. all families know conflict, and all hearts know struggle, no matter how loved. While in the spotlight as a "poster child" for the alternative Seattle community, Koe yearned for a realization of theirself beyond the "shadow of their tribe." This drive for a singular identity to navigate a world of collective relationships led Koe to leave the alt-Seattle scene behind them—first for the vivacious beaches of Hawai'i, and later, the couches of San Francisco—to find the self that no one person or family could make for them. This Heart Holds Many is a testament of transformative, communal love, as told by an educator and life-long learner who has dedicated their life to helping others grasp their extraordinary love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Polyamory, Queer, Memoir, Relationships, Biography, LGBT

136 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 29, 2019

Reviews

[Rabbit · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a nonbinary, polyamorous millennial I was very much looking forward to this book... but in the end it took me almost two months to drudge through 200 pages, because I just couldn't connect with anything in it, and because the narrative voice is honestly kind of annoying.

Creation alternates between some genuinely helpful and interesting description of their own upbringing with multiple parents - by far the most interesting part of the book - and complaints about how, urgh, I'm having to explain this to the normies again because they don't understand anything about how good and loving and ~*~special~*~ polyamorous families are. The latter half of the book, meanwhile, mainly describes the ongoing identity crisis of a teenager and young adult spectacularly under-equipped for achieving adult emotional independence, which I would've cared more about if I hadn't been so annoyed by that point.

My main takeaways from this book are that the allosexual, alloromantic concept of polyamory is profoundly odd, and that people who repeatedly reference their own geek cred and high intelligence make me want to scream into a pillow, and not in the fun way.

Would recommend for people who want to combine sexually active nonmonogamy with raising a family, with instructions to skip anything past chapter four.

[Amy Adams · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not millennial enough for this book, I think. The information was good, but the presentation just put me off a little. I was expecting something different. From reviews and descriptions, I thought this was going to be a memoir of growing up in a polyamorous family and coming into their own as a nonbinary person. It was that, in part, but the majority of it was more like a textbook, with instructions, education, and lectures. The book felt labored, like Koe was rolling their eyes as they were writing, thinking, "Here I go, explaining this again."

Don't get me wrong; the book is extremely well written, and the author definitely showcases their intellect. It just didn't appeal to me on a personal level like I was hoping for.

I would recommend this book to people looking to learn more about polyamory, non-traditional families, and people who do not fall into stereotypical gender roles.

[Authorized · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first, I had a hard time with the abundant enthusiasm (so many exclamation points!), but then I took a step back, considered the author's point of view, age and experience, and decided to embrace it with a new frame of reference.

It was well worth it.

If you're looking for an enjoyable and enlightening learning experience on the subject of polyamory/non-monogamy as it relates to a family/tribe environment, then this book is ideal. The multiple anecdotes and metaphors that are used to explain each concept charm the reader, and enable them to engage with content that they may not be familiar or comfortable with.

Definitely a recommended read for people interested in polyamory in general, building polyamorous families/tribes and those around them that want to support them in their journey.

[Kate Nelson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book but didn’t love it. This book felt like 50% memoir and 50% advice for polyamorous families, and when I discovered it existed I had really been hoping it was 100% memoir. The writing was simple and easy to understand (a little over-exuberant at times), but I craved more details and context. I did really like the fact that it, as a book about a nonbinary millennial child raised in a polyamorous family who is also polyamorous themselves, featured a story not told frequently.
Fine, but likely not one I will reread.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved reading this book about a child raised in a poly family. And although different from our family I appreciated the balanced look at some of the challenges and successes. Less a how to and more a description of one family's journey and guiding principles

[Jill · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the author's writing style to be choppy and difficult to connect with. The memoir tries to be too many things in a small space - personal experience, parenting advice, primer on polyamory - and by setting it up as a FAQ, I got lost when it went from that to a coming-of-age story set in Hawaii. They also don't talk really much at all about being non-binary, which I realize is a silly thing to say (I mean, does every man need to talk about being manly in his memoir?), except that if you call it out in the title, I'm gonna think there'll be some related content. There was also a lot of polyam jargon - I'm hip to the lingo most of the time and can read dense sociological theory with the best of them, but my eyes started to cross especially in the beginning.

That said, some of the parenting stuff actually did resonate with me, as a parent of willful, intelligent, curious children who have Opinions About Things and who go back and forth between households with different parenting styles. I think some of what the author said worked for their family and them personally was helpful regardless of whether you have one parent or seven. So, I'm glad I read it, and appreciate Koe sharing their story, even if it was unevenly told.

PS: My other takeaway - being a millennial is hard.

[Kayley · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is an important book because very little has been published on the experiences of people who grew up in polyamorous families. I think, right now, this book is the best out of one. However, I found it quite a frustrating read. There was very little structure and the chapter headings did not seem to relate, in any way, to the content of the chapters. Much of the content was not strictly relevant to the author's experience as a child of a polyamorous family. I suspect the author might not have known much about what it is like to be raised in a monogamous family, so it may have been difficult for them to determine what was relevant to the book's topic and what wasn't. Conversely, the author also skirted around a lot of tough but relevant issues. They mentioned having been accused of "sugar-coating" their experience in the past, and I think this book continues in that vein. The tone also felt a bit self-important, as if the author felt that their lifestyle and their parents' lifestyle was superior to other lifestyles, and the reader should be embarrassed for not already knowing more about it, and embarrassed for being curious about it, and very grateful to the author for taking the time to explain. Overall, the book is essentially a memoir written by a very young person, which is surely a hard thing to pull off, and I think the author was brave for writing it. I would love to see the author publish a follow-up book compounded by another ten years of life experience.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting account of a young woman’s coming of age. The feelings she describes are universal to all young people.
It’s interesting to realize that having sexually positive parents who are open and honest about almost everything with their children can feel similar to parents that are just the opposite. Each person needs to find their own way through the conditioning of their family and the culture they grew up in to find their own way to live. Ko grew up in a polyamorous family with her bio parents and several other people who were also parents to her. She describes what it was like to grow up in a large extended family created by love and relationships; her “hippy parents” who gave her the freedom to explore who she was, who she loved and who she wanted to become, her brothers and sisters, parents partners. Even with this alternative up bringing she still comes to a point where she has to find her own way, this book describes that journey and introduces the reader to the world of Polyamory as Ko experiences it growing up and living it as a young adult.
It’s an interesting read.

[Theophanes Avery · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who is always aching for more polyamorous rep this book was an obvious choice. As such I read it as an account of what it's like to be a second generation polyamorous individual and in that sense it's super interesting and answers a lot of intriguing questions. It does however use a lot of terminology that is part of that subculture but not used beyond it and seems a bit distracted and confusing at times as it is all over the place. Just too many balls in the air. But the author is young and full of enthusiasm, and I think someday she might be able to reign some of this in to make a more coherent read. I still enjoyed it for its unique perspective.

[Denise · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was my first encounter with literature with polyamory and tribe-based communities. I loved every bit of it and it really opened my mind on the inner workings of Koe’s personal polycule, which in turn opened my mind to polyamorous family structures.

I enjoyed how the book was written in Koe’s perspective while also heavily considering and giving room to the many intelligent and caring individuals in Koe’s upbringing and life. A great read for a curious mind, I ended the book with more thoughts about how community support and allowing room for children to be informed, independent individuals can foster environments filled with love and acceptance.

[Luna Frank-Fischer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whether you're curious about non-monogamy or thinking about parenting strategies, this book is worth reading. I liked that it combined advice and vignettes. I learned the most from the portions around sex-positive parenting -- as someone who has not yet had kids but wants to, I would like very much to raise my children with a healthy and positive attitude about sex. Reading about Koe's experience -- including the misses and challenges -- helped me imagine how that might work in my future family.

[Elliot · Rating 5 out of 5]

Genre: memoir
Focus: what it’s like to be polyamorous, polyamorous families, basic polyamory definitions.

Notes: This book is super helpful in defining different words that pop up in the polyamory community and is cool to see what life could be like for a child of polyamorous parents. I’d recommend this as a resource for people new to polyamory.

[Cindy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Thought this book would educate me about something I am not familiar with, and would open my mind to another lifestyle. So disappointing, largely because the author’s writing style is extremely annoying. I could hear her whining in my head. I did not even get halfway through before losing interest. I am so glad that I borrowed this from a friend, rather than buying it.

[Wendy · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is absolutely HORRIBLE! If you want to fall asleep fast this book will do the trick! This is the absolute most BORING, not interesting at all and reads like it was written by a 10 year old. SAVE YOUR MONEY....DO NOT waste it on this trash

[Poops · Rating 1 out of 5]

this book sucks shit

[Lovely Juniper · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. I’m sorry but your life is just not as interesting as you think it is. This one is a major groaner. Had to spare myself and put it down quite quickly.