The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival

by Kathy Labriola, Dossie Easton (Foreword), Lacey Johnson (Illustrator)

Polyamory is not always easy. With multiple partners often come more complex relationships to navigate. This practical guide looks at the common causes of polyamorous breakups, identifies strategies to avoid ending relationships, and provides you with the toolkit to survive a breakup. Kathy Labriola uses real life examples and expert insight as a counselor and nurse. From how to handle jealousy to the practicalities of managing money and time with multiple partners, this book includes tips and insights from the polyamory community. It is inevitable that some relationships will end in a breakup. This book helps you maintain friendships and minimize the impact of a breakup on the rest of your polycule and wider community. Unlike traditional breakup guides, Labriola’s book offers insight specific to the polyamory community and addresses the unique challenges that come with multiple partners.

Genres: Polyamory, Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Sexuality, Psychology, Queer

264 pages, Paperback

Published October 4, 2019

Reviews

[Amelia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an ARC via Edelweiss.

This was an interesting idea for a book but it didn't quite work for me, both because it was very problem-focused and offered little in the way of solutions to many of the issues discussed, and because it seemed to be based on a lot of limiting and binary assumptions that I found problematic and was surprised to see here.

[Jaye Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Giving this 3 stars based on what I learned through this book as a vehicle for reflection and proactivity in relationships.

I have major problems with its comments on the capability of people with mental illnesses and addictions to have meaningful polyamorous relationships. I have major issues with the tone and “humor” around queer and racialized people’s anecdotes filtered through the mouth of a white woman. (TW: Someone is dead named in one of these case studies.) I have major problems with the presence of generalizations about human and relational behavior without evidence (I know polyamory is under researched) stated as a fact, without any awareness of the limitations of the author’s view point (sometimes this is acknowledged, a lot of times it is not). I have major problems with its adherence to the trend of ENM books that foreground white, middle class, middle aged, extremely logical, neurotypical, cisgender people who come to polyamorous relationships from marriages, serial monogamy, or have not been single or poly-single much, if at all.

My thoughts boil down to this, however (an overused word that became unbearable during audiobook listening)— I don’t think Labriola ever arrived at a clear definition of what she means by “success”. Is it a lasting relationship? Is it a relationship that doesn’t end in explosions? Is it a relationship where all logical paths forward are explored and a split is prevented? Is it a romantic relationship that turns to friendship? Is it a breakup that feels painless, or at least not disruptive? I don’t know that the answer is static, but I don’t know that this book ever decided how to honor the merits of poly-disaster.

Disclaimer: I am about 9 months out from a major breakup (although the moments during which I felt personally attacked are omitted from this review)

[Catalina Vieru · Rating 5 out of 5]

It goes through 3 different parts: non-poly related reasons to end a poly relationship, poly-related reasons, and processing poly breakups.


Maybe because I am currently processing a poly breakup my perception might be biased, but I found the book to be very good. It talks about abstract concepts like communication, polyamourous dynamics, negociationg boundaries, but it also has very punctual examples on ways of ending a relationship and what could work for differrent people: wind-down to non-romance, switch labels, de-escalate, take a buffer time of no-contact etc.

As all of her books, it includes plenty of examples from her clients and studies, so you also get the personalized experiences and voices throughout the book.

Definitely recommend it. ❤️

[Lona · Rating 3 out of 5]

First thing to say is that I never had a breakup, so I am reading this from an unexperienced viewpoint. I am not arrogant enough to assume that I will never have any breakups in the future, so I picked up this book.

Part I is a solid overview of possible causes for polyam breakups, divided in "non-polyam causes" and "polyam causes".

The prevention-part ist mostly about knowing what you want, knowing your limits and red/green flags, which is a good advice. When you are polyamorous it might be a good idea not to date someone who thinks they can convince you to become monogamous again and vice versa because that is a possible cause for a breakup, right? Thus, preventing to pick the wrong partner is good. But what if you are already in a poly/mono relationship? Of course nobody should force their beliefs on their partner. But here the author wrote, that poly/mono seldom function, maybe, just maybe, if both partners don't identify fully as poly/mono. Well, I am in a poly/mono relationship and while I have a very relationship anarchistic mindset my husband thought long about it and decided that he is completely monogamous - it works very well, because we both respect each other and have a healthy communication. No breakup in sight yet and I am very glad that after 14+ years of a beautiful monogamous relationship he gave me the opportunity to live my polyamory a few years ago. My other partner is monogamous as well, by the way. I would have a lot of things to say about how to communicate these things, these I missed here. I think Polysecure is a really good book that can help with going through conflicts and how to solve them, because usually conflict solving is a big part of avoiding breakups.

I can't say so much about the aftercare part - don't think you wasted your time in the relationship when it's over, don't forget to maintain your other relationships, that sounds like the good thing to do, yes.

The chapters were all sprinkled with breakup stories from interviews the author had with real polyam people, these were a bit repititive after a while to be honest. I know, real life examples are proving the point, but after a while I felt like I was reading a telenovela, as these were a big part of every chapter, breakup story after breakup story.

What I don't like about a lot of polyam books is that they quote evolution psychologists. Evolution psychology is debunked and it should be unnecessary to proof wether your relationship preference (or sexuality, or gender) is "natural", since it's none of everyone's business as long as it doesn't harm anyone (which it usually doesn't if it's between consenting adults). In this case it said jealousy is natural because "humans were always bad in sharing" and I have a problem with this wording because partners are no objects to "share", they are humans who decide to have more than one relationship. I don't like the thought of my two partners "sharing" me as I'm not a pizza with a limited quantity of slices, so wtf. Of course jealousy is natural, but not to be jealous is not "unnatural" either. It's a spectrum and no, not everyone who doesn't feel jealousy is arrogant and thinks they are "more primary" than everyone else and is lying to oneself. You can not feel jealousy and be perfectly insecure or even realistic about yourself, I'm the living and breathing example.

I can recommend to read this anyway because it has some good advice and I think a lot of people try to avoid the topic "breakups" because it's uncomfortable. But it is good to think about potential causes and different ways to deal with a breakup, so it's good that a book like this exists for polyamorous people!

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Polyamory Breakup Book gives plenty of examples and real stories of people's situations in polyamory relationships and the struggle with understanding and compassion from others on such a taboo topic. The book provides an excellent foundation to remind anyone who is in a relationship with a partner who has a partner that you are not alone even though it is not normalized. A special or unique connection is a connection.

It's never going to be painless losing someone you love, and though polyamory provokes disapproval of others and is often kept private, people in monogamous relationships break up all the time. So, who's to say a poly relationship should be treated differently if all members are honest, make rules and guidelines, and approve? Furthermore, the love you feel for one person is different from the love you feel for others. There is no comparison or should not be; spread love, share love if everyone is open to it, and trust each other. You share love with your parents, children, or friends, don't you? So, the different types of love with a partner could be no different if all communicate and are honest.

Some chapters are not relevant to everyone, and some parts do not relate to me but are still crucial with thorough coverage on the topic. And these types of relationships can have many dynamics. Some have multiple partners; some are a tricube; some let a partner have a partner and keep it at that. I liked that the stories in the book come from all different perspectives and styles of polyamory, as most books are from the perspective of the couple or marriage but never from the new partner's perspective. The book was excellent at explaining different causes for problems within polyamorous relationships, which could be a guide to help prevent "breakups" however, it did not talk about the prevention of breakups. Regardless of content, relationships need to be mutual with each partner for them to last. If one person is unhappy or unwilling to compromise, not compatible, or are seeking different things, it will not work, whether that be deciding if you are okay with introducing a third or in general with wants and needs in the relationship. The Polyamory Breakup Book was very insightful. I recommend it to anyone beginning a polyamorous relationship, in one, joining a couple, introducing a third (for one or both,) or going through a breakup in case they need to analyze what went wrong.

[Topher Potter · Rating 1 out of 5]

TLDR: in my partner's words "What kind of colonizer bullshit is that?"

Overall, the book was a huge disappointment and I honestly regret finishing it.

Firstly, I was taken aback by the wildly unethical viewpoint and advice from the author. Relationships were discussed only in terms of hierarchy, even to the point of wrongly asserting that relationship anarchy is a "multiple primary" relationship style. This extended to viewing additional partners as a "fix" for your "primary" relationship and broadly accepting rule-making that extends beyond your relationship. It shouldn't be controversial to say that using people as means to an end isn't okay.

Even if you can look past the hierarchy framework (to be clear, I can't) there are a host of other unethical views. The author asserts at multiple points that new relationships are a threat to existing ones. When this had come up for the second or third time, I started to wonder whether this was a pro-poly book at all. The icing on the cake was the unironic use of "alpha partner" as a legitimate identity.

Secondly, beyond ethical concerns, the book isn't as advertised. Prevention and survival both play incredibly minor roles. The bulk of every chapter is taken up by stories of (mostly troubled) relationships. While there's benefit in hearing from people in similar circumstances, they seemed to take the place of actual advice without serving that purpose. Additionally, many of the stories primarily show cruel behavior and poor communication rather than the conflicts they were intended to demonstrate. If I had been coming to this book in search of help, I'd imagine I would've come away disappointed.

Honestly, I'm embarrassed to think that someone's first contact with polyamory might be this book. Although I'd recommend any polyamory book over this one, I'd especially recommend Multiamory (both the book and podcast) for an ethical perspective, useful tools, and accurate representation.

[Jai · Rating 2 out of 5]

I abandoned the book after listening up until chapter 3. The breakup book got an extra star , from the 1 star I was going to give it,because it’s on polyamory and the author tried. She tried but didn’t do a good job. From the portion I listened to the book felt full of over generalizations of polyamorous people. She also made generalizations about LGBTQ relationships. I started laughing when she actually said most lesbians stop having sex when they move in together and that’s one of the reasons why the seek out polyamory. Stop having sex in the first year? What lesbians? Okay,I’m going to move on….
The book detailed reasons why people broke up. She highlighted sexual incompatibility,Money and Household things such as cleaning,child rearing etc.

As a polyamorous person, I noticed almost ALL of the issues highlighted in those 3 chapters could have been fixed with communication. It’s almost like the author didn’t understand that. I’m not even sure if she’s polyamorous but her research was horrible for this book. I really went into it hoping and wishing she would discuss how to work through these breakups but she just gave these dumb generalizations and stories,that I’m not sure were fully true. I would have been happy even if the book was full of stories about break ups in general. Overall I’m very disappointed.

[Lia · Rating 4 out of 5]

comprehensive, clear, and relatively concise. theory is accompanied by many many examples.

giving it 4/5 bc it didn't spark magic in me, but that's maybe bc i've got no experience with dealing with a poly breakup.

[Ash · Rating 3 out of 5]

It book has structure but unfortunately is confusing at times. On page 25 the hypothetical characters even get mixed up. It’s mostly just a book about causes for breakups. I don’t get the prevention and survival as much from the book. For someone who is polyamorous and is looking for support and guidance this might not be the best book. Although I do enjoy the description of different kinds of relationships. There is also some helpful tools.

[A. J · Rating 4 out of 5]

A couple of weeks before my last breakup I put this book on hold at my local library, at the time it was purely out of curiosity. I’d heard about the book and because I’d never read any book on breakups from a polyamours viewpoint I decided to give it a try. Little did I know that when it eventually got to me I would be dealing with the devastating aftermath of a six year relationship ending. Sometimes books just come into your life at the right time.

The Polyamory Breakup Book starts off talking about common reasons all people breakup, monogamous or not. Which I found so reaffirming. Like Labriola says, a good amount of non-monogamous breakups have little to do with the actual non-monogamy and rather to do with what she calls “the 7 usual suspects”. These are things like money, sexual incompatibility, general incompatibility or addictions. Gently and with so much wisdom Labriola tackles all of these suspects and helps to shed understanding on why breakups happen. Later in the book she goes through the other reasons people breakup that are related to non-monogamy.

There is so much to like about this book. From the fact that she includes all types of polyamorous relationships, to how to prevent breakups and how to work on communication to just creating a guideline to processes a breakup. And overall I found it very helpful. This was just one of the many tools I used when I started to really look at my life and relationships and ask myself what really made me happy.

I have to add here my one complaint with the book, which was Labriola’s use of the shortened “poly” when talking about polyamory. Some of you might know, others might not. But the term “poly” was first used by people of Polynesian decent, but has since been used a lot by the polyamorous community. However in recent years the community has become aware that they co-opted the word and have been trying to raise awareness and change the term to “polyam” or “polya” so as to distinguish our two communities. It’s my understanding that Labriola’s book was published in 2019, and therefore she should be aware of the need to use other abbreviations than the one she chose. It was disappointing to see someone with so much experience be oblivious or unaware of this issue.

That said I still recommend this book to my fellow polyamours readers and I gave the book four stars on Goodreads.

[Rachel Robbins · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an ARC via Thorntree Press.

The Polyamory Breakup Book breaks through the taboo of talking about open relationship endings. It normalizes relationship break ups of all kinds, and offers practical tools for preparing for and understanding breakups when they happen. Kathy Labriola uses her deep expertise to provide guidance and understanding around breakups in polyamorous relationships. She provides the reader with acceptance and practical ideas as they navigate their loss both with themselves, and with their communities.

[Lu legge cose · Rating 3 out of 5]

Clear, helpful and a very easy-to-read book!
I read it looking for help in de-escalating a relationship (and not breaking up) and it helped with a lot of communication techniques and tips on how to fully feel emotions and don't let them drown me.
The only thing I didn't like was the massive amount of personal stories, but I guess they can be useful to whoever find themselves in the same conditions as the protagonists of those stories.

[Ly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Muy interesante para cualquier persona que se relacione de forma no monógama. Quizá de cara al final se basa demasiado en exponer testimonios, hasta el punto de convertirse en una recopilación de historias un tanto forzada, pero sigue pareciéndome una lectura que vale la pena.

[Necol or Eli Dickson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative. I found it very useful and very comforting and knowing that I wasn't alone in some of the experiences that I had had. It was very comforting for me to understand that incompatibility issues was mostly what I was facing and not just that I was "doing polyamory wrong"

[Randy Foreman · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5, really solid but very anecdote heavy.

[Jennifer Savage · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really emphasizes one key thing: polyamorous relationships often end due to the same issues that monogamous relationships do. I found this book validated the pain of a break-up, specifically when discussing the stigma and how often those involved or even outside may blame the polyamorous nature rather than the core issues like sex, money, child-rearing, time management, etc. It also briefly goes over the difficulties that can come from *others* dramatizing a break-up, AND the pain felt by a closeted person when going through a break-up without emotional support, OR having others assume the pain is lessened if they are dating someone else.

It had plenty of case studies/examples of both positive and negative reactions/methods of coping, and left me feeling so relieved at the amicable nature of the break-up I was coping with. The reason I give the book 4/5 stars is because while it gave lots of different examples, I found the "survival" aspect of this book a bit lacking. Personally I am a huge advocate for going to therapy in general, and this is mentioned, but beyond that and finding a support system there wasn't much practical advice on the matter. It was sufficient for myself, but I think those having a more difficult/traumatic time may find it not as helpful.

However, I am glad that we are spanning outside books that are essentially Polyamory 101 to have more diverse topics and discussions surrounding it :)

[Alyssa N. · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was unfortunately really disappointed in this book. I can appreciate that it came from a place of much experience, but there were parts that stunned me to be included. I almost DNF at multiple points out of shock of the generalizations and assertions made.

The authors wrote at length about the biological basis for jealousy, and I felt it was highly unnecessary. The book asserts people are "bad at sharing" based on the research it cites and generalizations made about the human condition and ways of relating that I do not at all connect with. This misanthropic attitude does more harm than good, when we say polyamory exists in spite of jealousy. I don't believe that -- I think polyamory very much reflects an inclination that many people have inherently, including steadfast monogamous, to share in human love and joy. It was a rather nihilist approach to take and does not challenge capitalist mindsets of scarity, possessiveness and dominance not just in romantic relationships but all interpersonal relationships.

It uses language like "alphas" to indicate dominance or importance of an individual in a polycule, asserting even that an "alpha" exists in non-hierarchal arrangements which felt incredibly gross.

It gives validity to the concept of sex addiction, which itself is steeped in religious principles, 12 step programs, overall erotophobia, and has been thoroughly debunked. Compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexuality are more appropriate substitutes than the defunct term "sex addict".

The book also contradicts itself in claiming that polyamorous people need to "run in the opposite direction" as quickly as possible when encountering someone who identifies as monogamous but willing to try polyamory. But, then it goes on to state that people cannot know what configuration of polyamory they prefer without experimentation. Polyamory and monogamy are relationship styles and preferences that can be explored and subscribing to one doesn't void the interest in the other. Similarly to how I am bisexual, my being in a relationship with a man doesn't cancel out my interest in women. There are people who might prefer monogamy but can experience enjoyment in a polyamorous relationship even if they eventually return to momogamy. The black and white thinking of you're either monogamous or polyamorous, did not sit right with me.

The book also lacked a proper understanding of relationship anarchy and non-hierarchal arrangements, and it struggled by applying terminology of "primary" and "secondary" to these dynamics, which are not terms typically used in these configurations and if anything are rejected with vitrol. It's clear that the book comes from a place of primarily understanding older models of primary/secondary open relationships, which many are now moving away from.

I also can understand the authors lacking the expertise to speak to the issues, but there was a disappointing lack of exploration of how socioeconomic factors, race, health and ability/disability, and other social justice concerns can impact relationships. Poor people in general lack the freedom to explore in similar ways to those presented in the book, which included people privileged enough to buy duplexes to suit their lifestyle. There was little discussion of the strain that poverty, trauma, disability, puts on relationships that cannot readily be resolved. Many of the situations were highly individualistic and do not reflect a broader cultural context of injustice these dynamics exist within and are not immune to.

From a prose standpoint, the anecdotal examples became highly tedious and unnecessary and described situations most people won't encounter that space in the book would have been better served with more tools and prompts for self reflection than endless story examples.

My petty, minor quibble is also that the book was written by American authors but the narrator of the audiobook has a British accent. I don't know what it is with this trend in audiobooks of having English narrators for otherwise American books, is it the assumption that English accents are more proper? Personally I struggle to understand English accents because of a hearing loss and auditory processing issues, and while I can make do in casual conversation or smaller doses, I frequently have to take breaks from what is hours of taxing auditory processing to understand what is being said. It is nothing against the narrator themselves, but this is not the first time I've listened to an American written book that just has an English author and I wonder if it's the continued colonialist assumption of English accents being more respectable (e.g. TV shows that will have actors with English accents despite the setting not even remotely resembling England). Again, a petty quibble but food for thought!

[Laura Vee · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Polyamory Breakup Book offers an unflinching examination of relationship dissolution within polyamorous contexts, bringing much-needed attention to an aspect of ethical non-monogamy our community often struggles to discuss openly.

★★★★½ (4.5/5 Stars)

Labriola brings her experience as both a counselor and member of the polyam community to craft a work that balances practical guidance with deep emotional intelligence. The result is a text that feels like both a survival guide and a validation of the unique challenges poly breakups present.

Thematic Analysis:
What sets this work apart is its sophisticated understanding of how poly relationship structures affect dissolution patterns. Labriola's exploration of cascade breakups (where one relationship's end triggers others) and the ripple effects through polycules demonstrates intimate knowledge of non-monogamous relationship dynamics.

Her treatment of sovereignty versus interdependence in poly relationships is particularly nuanced, examining how different relationship styles (parallel, kitchen table, constellation) influence breakup patterns and healing processes. The analysis of how metamour relationships survive primary partnership dissolutions feels especially relevant to contemporary poly practices.

Writing Style:
Labriola's prose strikes an effective balance between therapeutic wisdom and peer understanding. Her use of case studies drawn from decades of counseling poly clients provides concrete examples without feeling exploitative. The writing acknowledges both the emotional devastation of breakups and the unique opportunities for growth they present.

Critical Framework:
The book excels in its examination of how different poly structures influence breakup dynamics:
- Hierarchical versus non-hierarchical impacts
- Solo poly considerations
- Triad dissolution patterns
- Kitchen table to parallel transitions during breakups

Cultural Context:
Particularly valuable is Labriola's attention to how different relationship orientations (e.g., highly partnered versus relationship anarchist) influence breakup experiences. Her examination of how chosen family networks weather relationship transitions feels especially relevant to contemporary poly practices.

Personal Resonance:
As someone familiar with poly breakups, her discussion of "poly-specific breakup patterns" rings particularly true. Her analysis of how NRE in new relationships can stress existing ones, potentially leading to breakups, offers valuable insights for prevention and understanding.

Notable Strengths:
- Comprehensive treatment of poly-specific breakup challenges
- Strong emphasis on polycule preservation where desired
- Practical tools for metamour relationships post-breakup
- Nuanced discussion of different attachment styles in poly contexts

Areas for Development:
- Could explore relationship anarchy perspectives more deeply
- Additional resources for managing social media/digital aspects
- More guidance on managing shared poly community spaces
- Deeper exploration of non-hierarchical breakup dynamics

The book particularly shines in its treatment of complex topics like:
- Managing cascade effects through polycules
- Navigating shared housing transitions
- Maintaining metamour relationships post-breakup
- Handling community ripple effects

Intellectual Framework:
Labriola's integration of attachment theory, poly relationship structures, and practical counseling experience creates a robust framework for understanding and surviving poly breakups. Her analysis of how different poly styles influence breakup patterns offers valuable insights for prevention and healing.

Recommended for:
- Actively polyam individuals and polycules
- Poly-friendly therapists and counselors
- Community organizers handling group dynamics
- Anyone in or considering complex relationship structures

Despite minor limitations, The Polyamory Breakup Book stands as an essential contribution to poly literature. Its combination of theoretical understanding and practical guidance fills a crucial gap in resources for navigating the unique challenges of poly relationship transitions.

The work succeeds in normalizing poly breakups while providing concrete tools for prevention and healing. Labriola's blend of professional expertise and community understanding creates a valuable resource that acknowledges both the universal aspects of relationship loss and the unique challenges posed by poly relationship structures.

[Camille · Rating 2 out of 5]

Borrowed a digital copy on Libby through the Queer Liberation Library; Did Not Finish.

Finally dropped this book at 22%. The shitty attitude of the author is a strong deterrent from reading what she has to say. I mean, it's one thing to be pessimistic, but this was on another level... and it's made worse by stunning generalisations and a condescending tone. Extremely biased in favor of hierarchy-based polyamory— or, honestly? Maybe just monogamy, because even the hierarchal structure is given some pretty nasty side-eye.

Also, I understand why the first few chapters are dedicated to more broadly applicable relationship issues, but honestly, you could've simplified it by using them as specific examples of why communication is important. It seemed like every case example was either people not communicating at all, not communicating the urgency of the issue very effectively, or being unable to find a middle ground and then using the addition of another partner as a band-aid to the problem... and then continuing to not communicate with that person, either. In general, I would say the examples could be used more effectively.

[Nur Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read this book, whose title I find somewhat misleading, after a monogamous friend's recommendation. As I missed the promised prevention and survival of breakups, a more accurate title would be "The Causes of (Polyamorous) Breakups." Some examples are definitely helpful, but I wish they would have been elaborated in more detail (e.g. wind-down to non-romance, de-escalating or taking a buffer time of no-contact). However, concepts of communication are explained very well, and I found it helpful to examine my own ways of negotiating boundaries and desires. Overall, it is a good summary of relationship issues that might hardly be talked about in general hetero- and mononormative society. It also explains some Polyamory specific notions such as polysaturation and metamours quite well. I can recommend it to both, newbies and advanced polyamory people, as well as monogamous/single folks just wanting to enhance their communication skills in relationships. This is as close to enjoying a self-help(-ish) book as I am currently able to get.

[Gwendolyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

While perhaps super useful to those poly people that seem only to exist in examples of books of this nature, I found it quite a disappointment. Having just gotten out of a toxic 8 and 16 year poly relationship (respectively) I left at the sight of this book in hopes that somr insights into my situation would be found within. The intro by Dossie Easton seemed to confirm this
Um...no.
This book assumes things like everyone being upper middle Class (bleh), assumed white, and extraordinarily neurological. A phenomenal number of the case studies and examples involve straight people and the whole thing is about cisgendered people.
As someone who has been poly since before I knew the word, who is wuert, and trans and wholeheartedly-not- neurological, literally none of this reflects or represents my experience, either personal or observed.
There is little insight here that could not be found in a dozen other poly books, or mundane relationship books for that matter.
This was a chore to read and I barely finished it.
Would not recommend.

[Camilla Leurs · Rating 3 out of 5]

I suppose I found this book OK.
I didn't enjoy the narrator as I listened to the audiobook, I know this can sometimes influence negatively.
Lots of the book was generic, superficial and borrowed from others. Which I suppose could be done in a better way.
I didn't like the description of humans being inherently jealous creatures as this has been shown by other texts to be mostly incorrect as our tribal ways caused us to be egalitarian by nature. Moving to more civilized agricultural society caused the jealous element to come up.
I suppose I read this at a time conspiring a break up and wanting to get an idea of what other people had experienced.
I didn't get much new insight or assistance. Some of the stories were interesting but not easy to connect to from my perspective.

[Carly Miller · Rating 2 out of 5]

I heard great things about this book but was disappointed. It very heavily focused on “primary” married couples and “secondary” sex partners. I don’t think asexual romance was even mentioned. Most of the breakup advice assumed you’d have other partners and the ethics of strict hierarchy and making people “secondary” was never addressed. The brief mentions of other poly dynamics including relationship anarchy were called “multiple primaries” which goes against the tenants of relationship anarchy’s rejection of ranked relationships. There were definitely a few good nuggets of info in here, but overall I didn’t enjoy it.

[Jacalope · Rating 3 out of 5]

Valuable book to have access to & a cathartic listen. Book feels a little out of date with a lot of emphasis on managing primary & secondary relationships. Somewhat pessimistic about being able to find solutions or change the context of relationships. Most valuable section was 'Poly reasons for poly break ups - time & energy management '

Note: Mental health & drug addiction are both listed as red flags for choosing partners. This is one of the sections that feels very out of date & could be worth skipping.

[Amelia Murray · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book wasn't for me. First of all, it needed an editor. So many typos and mistakes with names that made the book difficult to read at times. I read it to get a better understanding of poly relationships. This book gives soooo many examples of what that can look like which was interesting. But if anything it just confirmed my monogamist nature. Again, not a book written for me so that's why the rating is low.

[Angelica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not enough books are written about breakups from a "how do I avoid this, or how do I do this better?" perspective. super interesting to read while navigating a poly breakup, prompts to journal about grief, loss and thinking kindly about your ex partner. The first chunk of the book applies to monogamous couples as well, which is good to know, what factors are most common in breakups and how to navigate around those issues.

[Eli]

Content warning: polyamisia, internalised polyamisia

Some of this book was interesting, but the majority of it was based on real-life situations that didn’t reflect my experiences. I was expecting more objectivity with the causes of polyam breakups. I did get something out of the book, but I don’t think it’s for me.

[Nastia Nizalova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read whether you're going through a breakup or not, first part is also quite useful for monogamous people.
I don't quite agree with the jealousy chapter as I feel that it has been taken at face value as an emotion, whereas it's way more nuanced. But for that there is the Jealousy Workbook which I also recommend.

All in all, lots of food for thought.

[CR · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one was really good for those in polyamorous relationships. This is a must read, it goes though every cause of break ups, how to prevent them and how to survive the inevitable separation. The author gives the reader practical guidance on what to do and how to deal with separation.

[Leah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book, giving plenty of examples and real stories of people's struggle's with break ups. Not particularly systematic in its advice, but still logically and well structured. Definitely a must read for people looking to explore polyamory.