The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten

by William Sears, Martha Sears

Everything you need to know about discipline to raise a happy, well-adjusted, well-behaved child-from America's foremost baby and childcare experts Disciplining children means equipping them with the tools to succeed in life. In this unique guide, Dr. Bill and Martha Sears, the pediatrics specialists whose books on birth, babies, and parenting have become widely praised bestsellers, explain what you can do to shape your child's behavior so that good conduct comes naturally. With a focus not just on managing behavior problems but also on preventing them, the Searses offer clear, practical advice on a broad range of disciplinary issues, including: * mother's role vs. father's role * developing the connection with your baby that will make discipline easier in years to come * saying no * taming temper tantrums * self-esteem as the foundation of good behavior * helping a child to express feelings * the constructive use of anger * good nutrition for good behavior * sleep and nighttime discipline * sibling rivalry * spanking and alternatives to spanking * how to eliminate bothersome behaviors such as whining and talking back * how to respond when your child lies, cheats, or steals * discipline after divorce and in the single-parent household Drawing on nearly thirty years of the Searses' experience as childcare professionals and as the parents of eight children, The Discipline Book will make you confident in your ability to correct undesirable behavior, to promote good behavior, and to instill the values that will help your child become morally literate.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Education, Self Help, Reference, Unfinished

328 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 1995

About the author

Dr. Sears, or Dr. Bill as his "little patients" call him, is the father of eight children as well as the author of over 30 books on childcare. Dr. Bill is an Associate Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at the University of California, Irvine, School of Medicine. Dr. Bill received his pediatric training at Harvard Medical School's Children's Hospital in Boston and The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto -- the largest children’s hospital in the world, where he served as associate ward chief of the newborn nursery and associate professor of pediatrics. Dr. Sears is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and a fellow of the Royal College of Pediatricians (RCP).Dr. Bill is also a medical and parenting consultant for BabyTalk and Parenting magazines and the pediatrician on the website Parenting.com.

Reviews

[Kellygirl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was helpful but I get a little frustrated with Dr.Sears at times. Every solution begins with "practice attachment parenting." I get it, and if I had to name a parenting philosophy that we follow, this would be the closest one. Now that my son is two and a half, I need some more solid advice than co-sleep and wear your baby from the moment they're born. I was pleased with the advice he did offer, I just thought the book was a little thick with the "discipline starts the moment they are born and a little light on the practical.

[Smita Jha · Rating 4 out of 5]

The edition that I read actually calls the book, "The Good Behaviour Book" and I think that is probably a better title.

I borrowed it from a friend and have kept it for months! Am finally returning it.

The chapters kept me sane as my daughter morphed from an adoring monosyllable infant into a 22 month old chatty, decisive (No! Not blue!) and highly opinionated toddler with occasional night terrors, meltdowns and constant picky-eating. It really calmed me down and let me view it all with a better perspective.

It may sound preachy in places but I think the heart of the book is in the right place. It doesn't say don't discipline it says do it consistently and do it lovingly. The point of discipline is not punishment it is to help the child learn and grow into a caring adult who has some semblance of self-control. Oh and to make sure they don't burn, electrocute or drown themselves before they grow up. ;)

While I don't intend to have even half as many children as the authors, I do use as many of their techniques as possible. And they seem to help. It's worth a read for older children too.

[Trish Boese · Rating 2 out of 5]

2* This book has some good ideas. The suggestions are a bit too perfect though, like the following advice for weaning a toddler from a soother: "Encourage the child to use his plug in private. Mention that older children doing things that babies do bothers some adults. "If you really must use your pacifier, please use it in your room." By approaching it this way and making the pacifier less convenient to use, the child will soon wean himself." That sounds totally unrealistic to me! It wouldn't have worked on my kids. This book made me feel like my own children are rather rebellious, and if I were loving them properly they would always want to listen. Overall, this book gave me a sinking feeling that we do not measure up to the author's standard.

[Jacob Strange · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought it was decent. A lot of good insight and a helpful blueprint and posture to have with parenting. However, I think it seems a bit triumphalist to say that the problem is necessary “not being attached enough.” A couple problems I see with this in reality is..

1. The people (at least me) are reading this book because I’m struggling to figure out how to parent my child. My son throws the craziest temper tantrums. There’s no reasoning with him, I tried the only method he mentioned for that specific thing to no avail. He criticizes soft parenting a little and says he’s the middle ground, but he’s definitely not. I’m more convinced of “other” disciplinary methods not only by the arguments themselves, but also their effectiveness.

2. The methods are also totally impractical. They’re either impractical because they are not specific and just give general outlines, or because they take 3 hours to implement. I’m not saying I don’t want to devote time to my children, but when it literally (and I mean literally) takes nearly an hour to calm my son down with these methods, it’s not a usable method especially when these meltdowns are multiple times a day.

In the end, I think there’s a lot of useful tools to gain from the book, but overall nothing super useful compared to other books I’ve read. I think you can implement harsher discipline while still being a loving parent. Most of the criticism I’ve seen towards spanking (there I said it) only applies to the worst of circumstances and parents that just want a quick way to not deal with their child. People have been spamming their children for all of human history and apart from abused children, I’d venture to say that children that were never spanked turned out worse.

[Stacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a game changer for me. I was already familiar with Dr. Sears' philosophies from reading "The Baby Book", and have tried my best to use "attachment parenting" principles because they make sense to me.

This book made a lot of sense to me too; I found myself agreeing with pretty much every idea presented. They are not all always easy to DO, but they all make sense.

The main idea that struck me was this: Discipline isn't about using any certain discipline, but rather about creating the right kind of relationship with your child. That relationship comes from attachment parenting, he says, simply because that is what establishes a connection and mutual sensitivity between parent and child.

Sears also addresses almost every conceivable bad behavior or annoyance and gives suggestions on how to address them (without spanking). I will be keeping this as a reference book for many years to come.

[Sonya Feher · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is divided into three sections: 1) Promoting Desirable Behavior, 2) Correcting Undesirable Behavior, and 3) Discipline for Life. Section One is worth reading. Its coverage of a variety of discipline issues is comprehensive and it explains how child's developmental stages, environment in the home, and parenting philosophies/practices influence discipline. The next two sections do not seem consistent with the first. Though Sears says he doesn't support spanking, they have a whole section about how to spank if you're going to do it against their advice. Their advocating time-outs for children as young as two years-old, and their manipulation through praise recommendations were all disturbing. That being said, I got a whole lot out of the first section and definitely recommend it. Otherwise, I absolutely prefer Playful Parenting as a discipline book.

[Laurie Barshay · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I both worked with this book from ages 1 to 10. I loved looking at the father and son photo on the cover. The child is looking at the world with his Dad right there with him. It was our "go to". I was relieved by Dr. Sears' gentle way and true definition of discipline: to teach. I watch our son, now 15, lead an empathetic and compassionate life. He trusts us to treat him with respect and thoughtfulness. I'm thankful to Dr. Sears' wise words of support.

[Leya Delray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book on the attachment-parenting style of discipline. I love the way the authors emphasize communication and really "knowing" your children, rather than just trying to make them fit into a mold, while also affirming that children need boundaries and structure and guidance to grow into all they can be.

The Searses are experts on so many levels. Not just in their formal education (both are in pediatrics), but also in the fact that they have 8 children themselves, and have learned a lot by trail and error along the way (they share their own mistakes in the book, and explain why they stopped doing some things and started doing others). In addition, they have observed and worked with hundreds of other families in their medical practice. So it's not just one family's experience that they are drawing from.

I think they have a lot of wisdom to share, gleaned from a variety of sources, and I love the gentleness with which they approach parenting. (Gentleness, NOT lazy permissiveness.) I'm guessing this will be a go-to book for me when/if I have kids someday, though I would not consider it a "stand-alone" book. Parents should draw from a variety of sources in learning to be the best parents they can, but the Searses are a great addition to a parenting library!

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really is not about "discipline" in any punitive way (e.g. there is a whole chapter about creative ways to correct or decline behavior, while avoiding the word "no" and saving that word for safety situations). I found some useful tools for "getting behind the eyes of the child".

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Still incredible and lots of wisdom inside after 20 years. I recently re-read this book that I used raising my kids before giving a copy to my nephew and his young family. The Sears approach is full of wisdom that I hope fads and newer generations won't supercede.

[Ashley Ruhl · Rating 4 out of 5]

A helpful guide for parents who are dedicated to discipline but also want to nurture the developmental stages of their child rather than stifling them and breaking their wills.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't necessarily agree with everything in this book but I really wish I'd read it years ago. Even reading it now, it was very impactful for me.

[Shad · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd recommend this book to any expecting or new parents, or any parents with kids between newborn and 10. Still very applicable 30 years after publication!

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

https://www.goodreads.com/amazon_purc...#

[Sandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little late in reading this but still gleaned some practical things. The lucid style made it very approachable as he offers insights to a child’s brain. I did have some points of disagreement.

[Nicola · Rating 5 out of 5]

BRILLIANT BOOK! The Sears approach to parenting in general and discipline in particular is one full of sensitivity, love and flexibility and yet this compassionate approach does not undermine the emphasis on correction and guidance - it underpins it. Instead of putting forward a one-size-fits-all type of discipline strategy, it helps the reader understand that the stage of development the child has reached and the temperament that the child was born with will effect his/her behaviour. Children come with different needs and the book helps you to assess what your child's needs are and how best to guide him/her. I felt that my perspective on so many things was turned around completely and my worries about my child's behaviour were reduced because the book gave me the confidence to handle it by understanding it. Interestingly my child's behaviour has improved as a result and we are closer than ever. I especially liked the chapter "Morals and Manners" and the section on "The High-Need Child".

My only criticism of the book/the Sears parenting strategy is that a reader may feel that if she hasn't followed the practices recommended in there from the child's birth (such as breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping), the advice becomes redundant for them as so many of these practices are referred to as ways of solving other problems in the child's behaviour.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the Sears and their approach to child rearing in general, but their insistence on carrying your child around all the time gets wearying. Apparently, not practicing attachment parenting from birth will cause all sorts of problems, including poor behavior later. This is not that helpful when you're past the baby stage. If you're having discipline issues, you get the subtle message that it's largely because you didn't carry your child around enough and didn't do their kind of attachment parenting. As if parents don't have enough to feel inadequate and guilty about!

But, having said that, they do offer some great advice and techniques, so I think it's a valuable read for that reason.

I'm more anxious to read Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson because it's a similar philosophy, but perhaps not so dogmatic.

[Inder · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure whether this is less helpful than other Dr. Sears books I've read, or if I've just overdosed on him a bit, but this is definitely not my favorite. The way Dr. Sears explains it, the answer to all discipline problems is attachment parenting in infancy. I'm a proponent of attachment parenting (with a grain of salt), but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not going to solve all of my discipline problems later on.

This book hasn't been updated since the 90s, and you can tell. The emphasis is on stay-at-home moms, and the possibility of coparenting (let alone non-heterosexual parents) is not even conceived of.

That said, there are a few concrete suggestions here that seem good, and I'm sure I'll be trying them out. I appreciate Dr. Sears' emphasis on parental authority - it goes to show that attachment parenting does not necessarily mean permissive parenting.

[Lisa Wuertz · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book does have some really great tips and suggestions for discipline, most of it just seemed like common sense stuff to me. I also got really annoyed by a *million* statements like, "We find that attachment parented kids are basically perfect and don't act up." The authors may not have said it exactly like that, but even though I ascribe to many of the attachment parenting philosophies reading those statements over and over again often left me questioning if the reason for my daughter's tantrums, hitting, etc. is because I didn't hold her enough or wear her in a sling enough or co-sleep enough. Which, when I really think about it is ridiculous because I did all those things and I have been very attached to her. I think all kids are going to act up at some point or he wouldn't have had to write the book.

[Leahjoypro · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had a similar feel about this book as I did to Dr. Sears book, "The Breastfeeding Book". It's pretty heavy and reads a bit like a text book. However, I enjoy his philosophies and agree with a lot of what they have to say. Although I read the whole thing, i was so overwhelmed with all the knowledge that I am afraid I don't remember much. I think it will, however, make a great reference book to have around as I come upon struggles with particular behaviors - he gives great specific advice relating to tantrums, and annoying or troublesome behaviors like thumb sucking, head banging, fingernail chewing, etc. There is also a good chapter on sleep, but that wasn't as helpful for me, as I have also read his book "Nighttime Parenting".

[Aneesa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not in love with this book. I did drag it out over the course of at least a year, so maybe that made it less helpful, but I really didn't glean a lot of information or techniques that helped me as a parent. I enjoy the philosophy of gentle discipline, and the writing style was okay, but I didn't grasp the ideas well enough to even begin to know how to implement anything with any sort of consistency. I have read a lot of parenting books, and I would recommend most of them over this one. I was surprised, as I have really enjoyed Dr. Sears other books, and this one seemed to be just what I would need. I'm going to read "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" next and I'll let you know if it helps me more.

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I am not entirely on board with the AP thing, I do like the Sears library. I don't co-sleep or carry my child contstantly, and my style of discipline is a bit more authoritian than the average AP parent. I do appreciate the emphasis on connecting with your child and listening to them in order to understand why they are "misbehaving". I mostly started to read this book to see if I can pick up some new ideas. So far, nothing stands out.

Update: Not something I was capable of reading from start to finish, but I do flip through it from time to time when I'm looking for new ideas. So far, I can't say I've taken much away from this book aside from practices that I think most parents today already use...Listening, diverting, timeouts, etc in lieu of spanking.

[Michael Hentrich · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to say I really learned a lot from reading this book. Especially I learned how much I don't know about parenting. There were some points where I realized some of the mistakes I had made even in my short history with kids. In some ways, it was very humbling, but at the same time I am glad I learned these things before my children get older, so hopefully I will have a chance to improve my parenting abilities.

My wife encouraged me to read this book in exchange for her reading "The Metabolic Plan" by Stephen Cherniske. I think it was a good trade. I definitely recommend this book to future and current parents. I can confidently say that I have become a better parent through it, and my wife has also said as much.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was solid, but not amazing or ground breaking. He does explain some things well, such as why one shouldn't spank, or why certain behaviors should be taken for the developmental process that they are. He does advocate some punitive measures, however, such as timeout, but thankfully does not recommend doing so before 2 when kids can actually understand the action. All in all, a good book for someone who already attachment parents or is interested in doing so, but others may be turned off by his references to AP as the bet solution. (And we are AP people in our house too, but still recognize this point was thrown in a little too often)

[Molly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agreed with most of the concepts in this book, though much of it was simply reminders of how I already feel, such as have the discipline logically connect to the misbehavior (if kiddo leaves the bike out, temporarily put the bike up in the garage rafters for a few days). It's good to remember where my toddler might be coming from, and to read those basic tenants regarding impulse and desire and such. My biggest concerns are fairly specific, and thus weren't addressed in the book, though I think we'll navigate just fine. I'm also one who naturally feels attachment parenting works best for me, so of course, this book fell in line with a lot of my philosophies.

[Laura]

sears is always good food for thought.

there was an interesting chapter on how to react to shyness (hint: don't push your child, pick up the child when requested), which I found very helpful. the less I push and 'label' my daughter as shy when she is having extreme separation anxiety, the more she ventures out. good insight on this topic.

otherwise, sears pushes the general principle of attachment parenting. the more 'attached' you are, the easier parenting generally is. true enough, but it doesn't stop toddlers from pulling all your books off the shelf. embrace the chaos, I suppose.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dr. and Mrs. Sears are kind of insane. But, my main gripe with this book is that the authors make claim after unsubstantiated claim of the harms of not attachment parenting. They even go so far as to say that adults will need "psychological help" if they are not attachment parented. I do understand the benefits of attachment parenting, but the tone of this book is preachy and judgmental. I would have given it one star but there are little nuggets of wisdom in here (after your child serves their sentence for misbehaving, then move on and let it go, etc.)

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was trying to get pre-emptive ideas for how to work with a 2 year old, but this book really mostly didn't have that. It had a lot of ideas on how to establish a good relationship with your toddler so you don't have to do a lot of discipline, but most of the discipline was aimed at older children. Which is probably appropriate, it just really didn't help me figure out how to get my daughter to stop hitting me when time out doesn't really seem to work for her yet. I'll have to give it a re-read when she's older I guess...

[Leigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is FANTASTIC! I know that all people discipline their children differently, but this book brought new perspectives to me on how a child thinks and what should and should not be expected on a child at particular ages. Understanding this helps to discipline your child in an appropriate, age-specific manner. If you're discipling your child and it either isn't working or you're not feeling right about it, please read this book. You won't regret it!

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I haven't read this the whole way through- it is more of a reference guide or text than anything else. I do like a lot of their ideas. I have had some good luck with some of the things they suggest and will continue to refer to it. They have it all based on 'attachment parenting' and we used some of those ideas with Laneah from day one. We haven't used all of them though, so it is good to take what works.