Every Boy I Ever Kissed

by Nellwyn Lampert

A bold step toward a new cultural narrative around sex.

Sex was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be fun, liberating, and empowering for a girl who’d been brought up thinking the battle for sexual equality had been won. But for Nellwyn Lampert, losing her virginity would turn out to be anything but simple. Whether she was being confronted with porn-induced erectile dysfunction or other crises of masculinity, nothing went according to plan in the bedroom. Instead, Nellwyn had to learn to navigate the realities of sexual liberation, female empowerment, and masculinity all on her own.

In this coming-of-age memoir, Nellwyn looks back on her experiences with humour and insight to explore what true liberation and empowerment may look like for today’s young women. Her many unexpected adventures will prompt reflection on a bigger question: What does it mean when our experiences fail to live up to who we think we should be as liberated, postmodern women?

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Biography, Memoir

201 pages, Kindle Edition

Published July 27, 2019

Reviews

[Amanda Vollmershausen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m always eager to read works by Canadian writers. This memoir is excellently crafted, and the blend of research and anecdote works well. In all honesty, it made me a little sad. There are a lot of cultural problems identified in relation to how our society engages in sex that are discouraging. Nellwyn has encountered a surprising and complex array of these issues. I appreciated the analysis, but it for some reason wasn’t really what I expected based on the title and the cover. I was anticipating something a little more lighthearted and humorous, but it read more like a feminist exploratory piece.

[Leif · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am an author of numerous books and I am also a single disabled adult. Being disabled, at a certain point in my life, I lost a sense of connection with my generation (generation X, I am now 47). I wanted to read this book because I briefly met the author and found her to be intelligent, polite, and kind enough to ask for information about my own books, and to be honest, the title grabbed me. What resulted after I picked up a copy at my local mall is sheer wonder and amazement. I have read books about ships, about battles, about courtrooms, and on and on and on, but this book takes a bold step and addresses a topic that is intertwined among each and every human being's story and the author bravely brings it to light.
Nellwyn Lampert's memoir follows her life categorized by relationships, through an almost ideal life of growing up in a well off family, having a mother who is open and confident. The main character does well in everything she focuses on, and is in a tight-knit group of University Theatre Students for most of the timeline of the book. She does well in everything except in managing her relationships with the opposite sex, never understanding why or how this continues to happen. This book drew me in because I have often wondered, after writing a book about my own youth, what a book about today's youth would be like. Nellwyn does such an excellent job of explaining how young people are making different choices in a very different world than ours, and reminded me at every turn how hard it can be to grow up and take on the world as a new adult.
The brave and brutally honest story Nellwyn weaves is at times hilarious, and at other times moving and highly emotional. By the end of the book I felt extremely invested in wanting to see her find the peace and understanding she seeks. This book is not about sex, at least not in any way it has been spoken of before in a memoir like this. It has no overdone fantasy erotic stories but what it does do is offers a very unique viewpoint with poignant insights of topics such as equality, feminism, LGBTQ+ issues and so many subjects that have been danced around for years and now finally, bravely taken on at full speed by an incredible up and coming writer.
This book is for the young person who feels unsure of themselves, for the popular party girl who can find sex but not intimacy, and for anyone who wants to reach out into the core of a human being's inner self and leave changed forever. I highly recommend this book.

[stylelover · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book...and I don't know why, but I thought I wouldn't. The title pulled me in after I'd learned of the book from the author (who in no way pushed or pressured me to discover it).

I think the beginning was a tad slow, but I was still figuring out what to expect. By page 25 or so, I was in the story, deeply invested and curious in the way only a fated relationship between author and reader can make you feel.

Lampert's writing is stellar. I love the balance of memoir, essay, and easy sensory description she maintains throughout. I was rooting for the narrator through every failure and found hope and triumph in how those "failures" inevitably led to her success--which is the greatest kind of all--the success in finally choosing to find freedom in simplicity without the need to be tangled up in societal pressures and outdated norms.

This is a beautiful book! I read it in two sittings, and I think you should check it out!

[Sue Harper · Rating 5 out of 5]

While Lampert writes about millennials, she addresses problems women have been facing since the 1960s and the sexual revolution. According to the media, women are still supposed to be thin (but with big breasts) gorgeous, totally made up and sexy. At the same time they are to be proud of whomever they are and whatever their body type and look. They are also supposed to be sexually liberated - hooking up with others in a guilt-free, stereotypically "male" way but the bifurcated view of women as either Madonnas or whores is still rampant in our society. There are too many "supposed to's" that conflict. Lampert's memoir examines all these conflicts using the through line of her own relationships from her teen years and to her early twenties.
What I love about the book is its honesty. I also love that Lampert hasn't written a simple tell-all but has researched the different influences on women but also on men. It's a book that helps to explain the mixed messages young women and young men are constantly dealing with, but it also speaks to women on most any age.

[Kstella · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great read! The author asks pertinent questions about sex and culture and I bet at least one anecdote will resonate personally with each reader. Interesting ideas presented in an interesting and often humorous way. I think this is an important read for everyone, regardless of age or gender.

[Nina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Author cares about the so-called social script a lot. To the extent that I can't relate very well. I too was a late bloomer, I also went to a Canadian university, but the culture was different from the insular theater students group in the book. People didn't really care about sex lives of other people to that extent.
2.5, a bump up for Canadian content.

[Andrea]

At first it was hard to believe that this book is a memoir because it seemed fictional in nature. The author's description of being the only half-Jewish student in a Catholic school in Niagara-on-the-Lake is vivid and humorous, such as receiving a note from a boy:

As was usual for me, I was reading a novel hidden under my desk, so I have no idea what the weather was like that day or what allegedly important bit of geometry or history we were supposed to have been learning. I think Harry Potter had just begun his fourth year at Hogwarts when I felt a soft thud against my shoe. It was a bright new tennis ball. I wasn't as surprised as you may think since all our chairs had tennis balls stuck on the bottom of the legs to keep them from grating against the floors, and occasionally a tennis ball would go missing. The holes cut in the sides made them the perfect place to hide secret notes to your friends and they were easy to roll across the classroom floor when our teacher had her back turned. I reached down quietly and held the scratchy ball in my lap under my desk. I poked a finger into the cross that had been sliced in the side. The little rubber points were sharper than I expected and the note inside didn't want to come out. I was afraid trip it. I forgot to put a bookmark in my Harry Potter and lost my place. Finally, I got the note out. A little piece of lined paper torn from the bottom of a notebook.

It was written in French. We all spoke English whenever we could get away with it because we thought it was cooler, but Andre wasn't bilingual yet.

Veux-tu être ma blonde?

It was a very Quebecois way of asking, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" Underneath there were three boxes and the words "Check one: Yes. No. Maybe." I guess "Maybe" was the precursor to a generation who thinks there's nothing strange about publicly defining their relationship status on Facebook as "It's Complicated".

[Mary-Catherine Croshaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I relate to this book more than any other book I've ever read. Lampert looks back on her sexual history and the social forces that motivated her to make the decisions that she did throughout her young adulthood in a frank, honest, and hilarious way. As a millenial woman, I and most of my friends have often secretly felt that what we have been sold as feminist and empowering and liberating is often anything but, yet we are often afraid to speak up about it because we fear that we're the only one who feels that way and that something must be wrong with us. The way Lampert points out the contradiction between the liberation that our mothers' generation fought for and the facade of empowerment through being sexually available to men that is sold to our generation was so affirming for me. What I found especially striking was that she doesn't limit her analysis to problems facing the women who came of age watching Miley Cyrus twerking at the VMAs; Every Boy I Ever Kissed speaks at some length about the problematic messages that the men of our generation who were raised on PornHub are receiving as well, and how this plays out in male-female interactions. Every Boy I Ever Kissed manages to be deeply intellectual yet fun and easy to read at the same time; I found myself either laughing or crying on every other page. I'm recommending this book to all of my friends, and I would recommend it to every woman in her twenties.

[Jess Mannion · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. At first I thought maybe it would be better suited to younger adults, but I soon got hooked pretty quick. Nellywyn told a brave and important story about her sexuality, one that we can all relate to. Topics included losing your virginity, masturbation, porn addiction, erectile dysfunction, LGBTQ+ and the pressures facing young women in relation to their sexuality. It took a different approach to what I’ve seen before in memoirs, where intertwined in her personal accounts, were reflections on her own story in order to make sense of it. Here, she had considered research on feminism, gender and sexuality studies and undertook her own interviews in the topics. She made some Interesting observations, and I particularly liked how she also considered the male perspective. I think all young people should read this book as it may help them with similar experiences they are facing. However, I think it could work for older ages too as its such an enjoyable easy read, that made me laugh at times. I became engrossed in the story and the main character and really wanted it to work out for her in the end. I couldn’t put it down and read it in a few days. I highly recommend this book.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this book. Nellwyn Lampert writes seamlessly and effortlessly. Once you start reading, it's hard to put down. It feels like the author is sitting right by you, sipping tea and telling you stories - some hilarious, some frustrating, and all so relatable. You'll see yourself in this book. I also loved how the author winds her way between the past and present, between her memories and what she feels now, between stories and current topics. She discusses feminist issues in real, accessible, relatable ways, with an open mind and smart questions. She clearly did her research, and she knows how to summarize it concisely. You'll want to discuss each chapter with a buddy because there's so much to say and debate about.
I strongly recommend this book to men, women, and teenagers too -- this is an excellent book to start a discussion on sex and growing up in the real world.

[Jes Trudel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir holds the perfect balance between memory and research. The bulk of the story is made up of the author's personal anecdotes and insights with a sprinkling of professional opinions throughout. The writing is beautiful and flowing to the point that, at times, I forgot I was reading nonfiction. I could see this as a successful television series. In addition, the author doesn't shy away from stating that feminism is not simply black and white, and I respect her for it. Bravo! I hope to see more from this talented young Canadian.

[Emily O’Donoghue · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is honestly an amazing read.. that is if you’re into deconstructing things from a feminist perspective. Nellwyn takes us through her journey with sex and intimacy, while also touching on the various notions and constructs created from westernized ideals. She looks to challenge all these notions while also finding herself adhering to them.

Why is it that men and women have expectations about sex? This would be a great novel for a women and gender studies class!! I hope Nellwyn comes out with more novels as I thoroughly enjoyed this one.

[Lorenzo · Rating 1 out of 5]

Banal. Disingenuous. Never again.

[A'Llyn Ettien · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thoughtful, vividly told memoir about the sex--or lack of it--that looms large in college life.

[Martha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful and witty. The author’s narrative feels like chatting with a great friend. She explores her own story while resonating with universal feminist questions. Highly recommend.