Ego, Authority, Failure: Using Emotional Intelligence Like a Hostage Negotiator to Succeed as a Leader

by Derek Gaunt

A Gallup study found that 50% of resigning employees did so "to get away from their manager...." The ones who don't quit become disengaged; creating a negative work environment costing U.S. companies billions in lost productivity each year.

Leaders in the 21st century need to understand that technical skills are not enough to be an effective manager. They need to able to demonstrate Tactical Empathy to create a more productive environment. This book introduces readers to the fundamentals of Hostage Negotiator-Leadership (HNL) which has, as its foundation, Tactical Empathy. Inside, you'll learn 12 simple-to-execute skills that, if applied immediately, will have you operating at a level higher than most.

Ego, Authority, Failure was written for leaders who want actionable techniques to build trust-based influence in order to motivate and inspire. It is also shares cautionary tales for those in denial about the damage their ego and authority has on their organization.

Genres: Leadership, Nonfiction, Psychology, Business, Audiobook, Management, Personal Growth

336 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 22, 2019

Reviews

[Mark Manderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great breakdown for high stake communication

Top takeaways:
Tactical Empathy is the deliberate drive to accurately recognize and articulate another’s emotional state or perspective so well that you could summarize it for them.
Regardless of the number you have on the list, this AA has to be one of them— “If at any time you think I am being unfair, I want you to stop me. We will rewind the conversation to where the unfairness began and we start over from there.
Everything you say causes an emotional reaction on the part of the person receiving the message.
Negative emotions, like those associated with ego and authority, negatively impact decision-making and behavior. As a hostage negotiator, my job was to de-escalate emotions, address the negatives and return people to, as the FBI’s Crisis Negotiations Unit (CNU) puts it, the NFL—the Normal Functioning Level.
Once you understand what is important to the other person—what they value, their environment or circumstances—they become predictable.
Tactical Empathy involves addressing negatives before they are spoken and offering inclusion to direct reports.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” —Stephen Covey
HNL will help you determine the why. What underlying motivations, factors and emotions are driving the behavior of the other person? This requires the use of Tactical Empathy. Once you understand that, at the deepest level, then you are in a position to:
* resolve the issue
* make your ask
* state your objective
* satisfy the needs of the other person
Bottom line? It’s not about you. It’s about them. Knowing the “why” without asking “why”.
Understanding the “why” means understanding the people. People are at the center of all leadership efforts. Leaders cannot lead unless they understand the people they are leading. To understand, an effective leader must be able to build and maintain relationships. Leaders often possess four attitudes, which interfere with building and maintaining relationships:
* Black and White thinking
* Emotions Are Irrelevant
* Quick Problem-solving
* Inflexibility
More often then not, listening is enough.
If you jump too soon into problem-solving, you will be engaging a person who is not fully vested in the solution or who is not yet ready for agreement.
Focus on the process of satisfying the other person’s needs rather working toward the outcome (sequencing). Your voice is your number one tool. It can build up or destroy. Your tone indicates your attitude and speaks louder than your words. A calm controlled demeanor is usually more effective than a brilliant argument.
Your challenge is to listen for underlying emotion or meaning.
Obstacles to Agreement and Perception Unsatisfied Needs
These needs are emotional. You cannot direct your employees’ decision-making until you deal with the emotional aspects of the circumstances as they see it
Fear of Losing Face. Your direct reports will look to you to provide them with some dignity during and after a significant conversation
Misunderstood, Maligned, Mistreated or Aggrieved. At times you will encounter the toxic employee, who feels that the difficult conversation is a result of you, the organization or some other person being out to get them. Whether real or perceived, it does not matter because it is their frame of reference Everything you say and do should be considered based on its impact upon your people or peers. Their perceptions count. Not yours! Whatever they view as a threat, confusing or unfair is just that.
Putting your people before yourself will likewise pay big dividends for you in your role as leader.
Ex: “Nobody’s coming in there. Okay? You have my word on that. We just wanna make sure you’re okay. What happened? How did we get here today?”
Get a leadership notebook. When you find these little tidbits [of advice], you need to put them in a three-ring binder and then open that up from time to time and page through it.”
Story of Indians and reading glasses and wouldn't buy (gain) so pulled all pairs away and once tried on 1 pair and then asked for $3 if they'd like to keep them or to give back.
Bruce Lee once said, “Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
Maintaining your composure starts with interrupting that automatic or unconscious response to a literal or figurative attack. Many people use the attack as a manipulative tool because they know they will get one of two responses. You will attack back (fight) or you will compromise your position (flee) because you are uncomfortable. Both are emotional responses.

[Joe Dorner · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good read

A nice compliment to never split the difference by Chris Voss also from the black swan group and a good follow up

[Syd Botz · Rating 2 out of 5]

This may sound harsh, but this is the most poorly edited book I’ve ever read. Words are misspelled; sentences are left unfinished; punctuation is thrown around so much so that I wonder if a cat walked across the keyboard. Beyond these easily avoidable oversights, the book’s content is also haphazardly thrown together, and it reads like a collection of unrelated notes and stories--much like a professor who is prone to tangentially related ad libs’s lectures.

Gaunt harps on the idea of needing tangible strategies to implement as a leader and promises that this book will provide them. Yet Gaunt really spends most of the book arguing why a leader’s ego and authority can be ruinous; if you picked up this book, you probably already agree with him on this. If you are looking for tangible hostage-negotiation leadership strategies and skills, you can find them in more concise books, like Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. However, I’ll credit Gaunt for one thing: this book does stand out because it emphasizes the real blockers to effective leadership that are our own ego and desire for authority. Acknowledging that leadership is not only about managing and supporting the emotions of others but also of ourselves is refreshing. Gaunt drives home the point that once we can become aware of our own emotions and find constructive ways to deal with them, we can truly subordinate ourselves to our team and our employees--the first step to being an effective leader.

Honestly, I would suggest skipping this book and reading another one. However, with a good editor, a second, revamped edition could be worth reading.

[Peter · Rating 3 out of 5]

Valuable but inflated

This book delivers some valuable techniques and lessons, but it seems to me that it has been puffed up to reach a substantial page count. There are possibly too many examples, a lot of repetitive explanation, and promises of what the book will deliver in forthcoming chapters. Additionally, there are several typos, which I found a little annoying. I’m glad that I read it on Prime but would have been disappointed to pay the paperback cover price.

[Vaclav · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of all, this book feels like heap of unconnected notes from literature review, lectures and fragments of text. Hard to read and harder to comprehend, I consider this a waste of time.

[Spellbind Consensus]

**Ego, Authority, Failure: Using Emotional Intelligence Like a Hostage Negotiator to Succeed as a Leader** by Derek Gaunt draws on the author’s experience as a police commander and hostage negotiator to teach leadership through the lens of emotional intelligence. The book presents negotiation techniques adapted for business and team management, showing how leaders can build trust, manage egos, and handle high-stakes conversations more effectively.

Key concepts and actionable ideas:

* Focus on tactical empathy:

* Acknowledge and validate others' emotions without agreeing with their perspective.
* Show people they’ve been heard to reduce defensiveness and resistance.

* Manage your own ego first:

* Avoid using authority to control others—leverage influence, not force.
* Be aware of how your tone, body language, and language affect others' responses.

* Use calibrated questions:

* Ask open-ended questions like “What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing?” to engage thinking and cooperation.
* Replace direct instructions with curiosity-driven prompts to reduce confrontation.

* Mirror and label emotions:

* Repeat the last few words someone said to show you’re listening.
* Use labels (“It seems like you’re frustrated”) to diffuse emotional tension.

* Avoid the need to be right:

* Let go of the goal of “winning” the conversation.
* Focus on helping others feel safe and respected, especially during disagreement.

* Replace commands with collaboration:

* Shift from “do this” to “how can we solve this?” to invite ownership.
* Empower team members by including them in the problem-solving process.

* Recognize the difference between compliance and commitment:

* People may agree outwardly but resist internally if they feel coerced.
* Foster voluntary alignment by earning trust and demonstrating empathy.

* Prepare for conversations with intent:

* Know your goal, but be flexible in your approach.
* Anticipate emotional triggers and plan how to respond with control and clarity.

* Slow down high-stress moments:

* Use calm, deliberate communication to de-escalate tension.
* Create psychological safety before diving into complex or confrontational topics.

* Emphasize the “you’re right” vs. “that’s right” dynamic:

* Seek to guide others to say “that’s right” to your summary of their position—it signals real understanding.
* Avoid fishing for “you’re right,” which can shut down dialogue.

This book reframes leadership as a series of negotiated relationships, not dictated outcomes. It teaches that success comes from understanding and guiding emotions—your own and others’—rather than asserting power or seeking control. Leaders who practice these principles can foster deeper engagement, stronger teams, and more effective outcomes.

[strager · Rating 2 out of 5]

What's the point of this book?

Ego, Authority, Failure is split into two parts: anecdotes and advice/tactics.

Anecdotes fill up most of the book. I'm not against anecdotes, but I saw three problems with them:

* All of the anecdotes are of failures. There are no successes which the author points to to say “see? this is how you do it”.

* For most of the anecdotes, you need to figure out the lesson. Some are clear—such as when the athlete froze up and failed because of her coach-induced stress—but most anecdotes are unexplained. A boss yelled at his report, and then ... that's the end of the story? What's the lesson here? Am I supposed to assume the yelling was bad? Why? What should have been done instead? This is unexplained.

* The anecdotes are not at all connected with the advice/tactics. If you employ all of the tactics explained in the book, are you going to improve the outcomes of the anecdotes?

I have minor problems with the anecdotes too. For example, a few were sometimes hard to follow because they assumed prior knowledge of military ranks (and know who is whose boss). Whatever.

The section on advice/tactics is pretty light and overall crappy. One of the tactics—labeling—wasn't explained except in the chapter's summary! “Delivery” was similarly poorly explained, with the author trying to give the advice some authority by connecting it with some scientific research (but only at a shallow level).

I will try some of the advice from this book and see how it goes. I've already been trying labeling and mirroring in low-stakes conversations with my girlfriend, like the book suggested, and I think it's working out okay. But I have no faith that the advice will make me a better “leader”, because none of the anecdotes support this idea (despite what the author insists throughout the book (‘trust me bro’)).

[Daniel Gonzales · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recently enjoyed immersing myself in Derek Gaunt's captivating masterpiece, "Ego, Authority, and Failure," which surpassed all my expectations! This fantastic book is an indispensable guide for those seeking to elevate their communication prowess in every conversation. Its immense value extends significantly to leaders, who will find it an invaluable resource for enhancing their leadership skills and fostering stronger relationships with their subordinates. Gaunt's unwavering emphasis on humility amidst challenging and complex discussions is commendable, leaving a lasting impression on readers.

While engrossed in the pages of this remarkable work, I reflected on past encounters where I recognized the potential for improved communication. Gaunt skillfully employs a combination of personal anecdotes and masterfully crafted fictitious scenarios to drive home his invaluable insights. It is worth noting that effective communication extends beyond high-stakes situations; by adopting the skillsets advocated in this book, we can effortlessly navigate any conversation, leaving no room for miscommunication or confusion. The author's tactics are practical and refreshingly simple to grasp, making them applicable to daily interactions, regardless of one's role in an office or family dynamic.

[Brian Goosen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is all about foregoing Ego & Authority when leading a company, family, club etc. Subordinating yourself, as a leader, to your employees and understanding that it is not all about "you" is key to Tactical Empathy & leadership in general.

The concept of tactical empathy is defined as the deliberate drive to accurately recognize and articulate another’s emotional state or perspective so well that you could summarize it for them. Gaunt explains how the 5 levels of listening is what separates any great leader from good ones, and these are: intermittent listening, listening for rebuttals, listening for the internal login of what your counterpart is saying, listening for your counterparts emotions, and finally listening for their life's narrative.

Not to get stuck into the weeds, but I mention these to demonstrate how "not about you" leadership really is. We as American's are set with the preconceived notion that leadership is about being some hardass and yelling demands, when it is actually quite the opposite. Read this novel to gain an understanding of how much empathy, mirroring, labeling, and asking calibrated questions can re-shape your leadership style from decent to outstanding.

[Don · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent addition to the Black Swan Group library. Chris Voss, the founder of the company, published Never Split the Difference in 2016. I have read it twice and listened to it on Audible. This book shows the reader how to use the techniques from Never Split the Difference in a leadership role, instead of as a negotiator.

My only critiques are with the editing. This is a second edition, and it did not receive thorough editing around the changes. I found myself flipping back and forth trying to find the material referenced as existing in an earlier chapter when it sometimes didn't. However, these issues did not distract from the effective delivery of the material.

While this leadership book is written for everyone in every business, I wish it was adopted years ago in law enforcement agencies nationwide. The damage that has been done to agencies with toxic leadership cannot be easily undone.

I highly recommend that readers first complete Never Split the Difference which provides a very detailed instruction block on the techniques that Ego, Authority, Failure: Using Emotional Intelligence Like a Hostage Negotiator to Succeed as a Leader applies to leadership training.

[Fred Fontz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've come to really enjoy reading anything put out by the Black Swann Group (you should ABSOLUTELY read "Never Split the Difference), so I thought this would be a great read. It falls short of what Chris Voss writes, but is still a solid read in it's own right.

This book walks you through some of the key points that make someone a great communicator and helps illustrate exactly how those points can benefit you at work. I liked the examples and stories that were include and thought that it was a pretty simple read.

This book doesn't get bogged down with overly technical writing, but Gaunt does really like to use acronyms. If you're familiar with Never Split the Difference, this isn't a must read. They really do cover a lot of the same material. That being said, it was worth the time it took to read. Specifically, I really like the detail included on the three types of negotiation styles.

[Adam Omgitsreallyhim · Rating 4 out of 5]

The spiritual successor to Voss's Never Split the difference, more focused on leadership but also touches on the topic of negotiation. Its fairly obvious that this book tries to replicate the commercial success of Never split the difference. About 30% of content is essentially taken from Voss's first book (mirroring/tactical empathy/accusation audit...) and builds on that with some additional anecdotes. There are actually much more anecdotes and stories from the crisis unit environment rather than new negotiation/leadership techniques. Still, its a very interesting read and I felt that it sent a good message on what leadership and ownership should look like. Do recommend. If you liked Never split the difference, Id say this is a must.

[Tia Sinclair · Rating 4 out of 5]

Generally when a book is a slow read, I may switch to the audio book just to get through it. This was the opposite. Thrilled that this was recommended reading and that I was able to see/hear Mr. Gaunt prior to the book. The prior exposure helped me to have a more engaged experience with the material than listening to the audio book. Subsequently, getting the paperback version so that I have opportunity to markup and process and assimilate the materials. Perhaps changing the audiobook recording to dialog (with someone else reading the conversational portions with you) is an idea to consider for a more potent presentation.

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book spends too much time talking about the characteristics and actions of bad leaders. More than half the book is discussing examples of bad leadership and a small part at the end gives advice and approaches to good leadership.

Read never split the difference by Chris Voss. If you already own it then read it again rather than but this book.

[Ashley Johnson - Ehmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you aren’t looking for a book written by a well studied author and want real life field work advice, this book is for you. Great go to step by step guide to the toughest conversations. Thank you Derek!

[Doug Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

It wasn’t very well-written. Lots of grammatical errors that appeared to be editing missed. That aside, the stories (and there were lots… too many?) and instruction were a good follow-up to Voss’ Never Split the Difference.

[Zane Knipe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good approach to reciprocity, curiosity, and empathy extending far beyond leadership. Never is it about me or I. Stay curious, stay honest, lift and empower others, and really just shut up and listen! Most importantly, use tactical empathy!

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

1st half of the book is worth a skim through. 2nd half offers more for a manager / new manager.

[Jonathan Williams · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first 5 hours were useless, repetitive information. Disappointed in this book

[Kai Fawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book about EQ disguised as “hostage negotiation leadership.”

[Haris Odobasic · Rating 1 out of 5]

The takeaway of each chapter is enough to read. 90% of the book are anecdotal the rest are concepts borrowed from other books...

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Honestly I found the last quarter of the book to be the best. I would recommend Never Split the Difference over this one.

[Joe · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good guide, which will help many of us to negotiate through our life.

[Nic · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really short clear book with powerful techniques. Similar to never split the difference but focused on helping managers and leaders be more effective in the work setting.

[Jonathan Beigle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really want to like this book. I've met Derek and I've actually been a client of the Black Swan Group with Derek as my negotiation coach. I learned so much during our 1-hour session. I like the idea behind the book, but I didn't see a ton of value in the first two thirds of the book. The last third of the book is a review of Never Split the Difference (Chris Voss), and I thought this section of the book was an excellent reminder of the key points in NStD. It's actually easier to use this book to review the material than it is in the original. The big issue for me though, was poor editing. I just couldn't get over how many typos there were in this book. There were so many missing words, wrong word-usage, etc. that it was a huge distraction and I spent much of the last third of the book marking typos instead of learning new material.

Favorite quotes:
p. 43 - "Leaders cannot lead unless they understand the people they are leading."
p. 116 - "When you demonstrate low standards or your praise is not authentic, your respect is diminished."
p. 133 - "Once you have gathered information about the motivations of the other person and show, on a deep level, that you understand their current state, you have built rapport. Rapport leads you to trust-based influence and then you can get to your objective."
p. 227 - "Demonstrating trust in your subordinates is one of the most challenging aspects in leadership, especially the higher you go."

[Tarek Omran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never split the deference…but on steroids!

It’s more in depth and more academic than Chris Voss’s book. I feel Derek takes the time to give you were the concepts they use in the negotiation tactics came from, so if you are interested you can dig deeper in the topic! He also often shares what he does in training sessions and shares pedagogical insights.

I absolutely loved the book and highly recommend it as a sequel to the amazing Never Split the Difference book.

I feel the Black Swan Group LTD 🦢 (Chris Voss, Derek Gaunt, etc) are a force for good in this world of ours!

The wisdom they share has a timeless essence on how to be a good person in this world (even if you are faced with a person pointing a gun at you)

[Davina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful to understand the importance and value of empathy in jobs where feeling are removed, like the U.S. Marine Corps, to better understand how to be influential and even more effective with civilians, family, work colleagues, etc. There's concrete examples we can immediately apply and good stories that demonstrated different results.

[Damien ALAWIYE · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love it ,
Huge fan of the black swan group and their use of tactical empathy and HNL skills , along with Chris Voss's book this is by far the most actionnable and valuable leaderhsip toolkit I have ever read.

Thanks Derek Gant

[Brian Pevensie · Rating 3 out of 5]

On my second read through of this book, Gaunt is clearly an expert on the subject matter, but a less adept writer. He falls into the common business writing trap of explaining why this book is important for entirely too long.