How to Come Alive Again: A guide to killing your monsters

by Beth McColl

‘An essential, wondrous WOW of a book’ – Sarah Knight

‘Essential reading’ – Daisy Buchanan

‘Everyone should have this on their bookshelf’ – Lucy-Anne Holmes

It doesn’t matter that you’ve lived in shadows, that you’ve slept through years of your life, that you’ve done things you’re ashamed to admit even to yourself. It doesn’t matter that you’re an anxious, depressed, spaghetti-brained mess with a shouty monster brain that keeps you from conforming to society’s definition of normal.

Beth McColl has been there – sometimes she still is there – but in this book she shares what’s worked for her and what hasn’t, what’s gotten her into trouble and then back out of it again, and what she wishes she’d known from the start:
How to get through a bad day
Questions to ask your doctor
The truth about medication
Ways to practise self-care and mindfulness
What to expect from a partner
How to forgive your past self, and so much more… How to Come Alive Again is a relatable, honest, at times joyous and above all practical guide for anyone who has a mental illness – or anyone who knows and loves someone who does. It’s the basics for mending your life, accepting yourself, changing what doesn’t work, killing the worst of it and learning to live again.

Genres: Nonfiction, Mental Health, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Health, Mental Illness

338 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 4, 2019

About the author

Beth McColl is a twenty-something writer and occasional human. She’s an advice columnist for Dazed & Confused magazine and has written about love, sex and mental health for Brooklyn Magazine, Gradient, and Ask-Men. She has a degree in English Literature but refuses to learn either to read or write. It’s a lot easier this way, she says. She’s never been nominated for any awards but her tweets are often featured on Buzzfeed and twice on Playboy, which continues to confuse and upset her grandparents. She has several beautiful girlfriends but you wouldn’t know them because they go to another school. They are models.

Reviews

[☘Misericordia☘ ⚡ϟ⚡⛈⚡☁ ❇️❤❣ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I'm already weeping tears for all the bloody monsters mercilessly slain.
Attention, attention, please: if you happen to cherish your monsters, do not approach this reading material!

I loved the structure to this 'guide to killing your monsters':
Part One: Lightlessness
Part Two: Glimmer
Part Three: Sunrise
Part Four: Eclipse
Part Five: Illumination

A funny light&easy read on difficult and decidedly unfunny things that could ruin one's life. The author is unexpectedly poetic and gracious in discussing things that usually make us all say 'uh-oh, plain no, I'll just skip this whatever it is!'.

It had gotten a bit repetitive-ish by the end of the book, still, it wasn't much bother due to the author's rather unique voice.

Q:
... you have to know your monsters to kill your monsters. (c)
Q:
This book will contain:
...
• Some swear words. Sorry to any and all of my grandmas reading this. I learned these words from you.
• A bizarre and unsettling number of references to aubergines. (c) LOL.
Q:
As a child and as a teenager I really thought my happiest life would be a life of restriction and discipline, a life of watching what I ate and exercising on command. (c) She must have been a very peculiar child.
Q:
My happiness is an unapologetic animal. A growing, shifting, changing thing. A thing that wants my life to glow. (c)
Q:
If anything in this book sounds wrong for you, or you feel very, very strongly that it isn’t something appropriate for your treatment, that’s absolutely fine. Ignore it. Scribble it out. Tear the whole page out, set it alight and use it to set fire to a small log. Have a tiny barbecue, it’s fine. You’re under no obligation to try anything. (c)
Q:
People with depression can often understand happiness and joy in even more acute ways than people who don’t have depression. They know the sum of joy and freedom and light better because they’ve lived without those things for so long. (c)
Q:
Depression is an extremely popular mental illness to have. ... You are not a single malfunction in an otherwise perfect machine. (c)
Q:
Depression is not
• A character flaw.
• Caused by not eating enough vegetables or standing a bit too close to the microwave that one time.
• Just feeling a bit sad.
• Contagious.
• Ignoring good things on purpose or choosing negativity over positivity.
• Made up for attention.
• For weak people.
• All in your head.
• Better off being ignored and buried and not openly discussed and worked through.
• Experienced consistently forever in exactly the same way.
• Experienced by any two people the same way.
• An incurable, terrible illness and a fate worse than death.
• An excuse for someone to treat you like a burden or an embarrassment.
• An excuse for anyone to manipulate, abuse or hurt you in any way.
• An excuse for you to be manipulative, abusive or hurtful to anyone in any way.
• A type of spicy Ukrainian broth.
• The same as having a bad day or reacting to something sad by feeling sad. (c)
Q:
Anxiety demands all of the sufferer’s attention and energy. It’s like a needy goldfish. It always wants more. If you’ve ever been anxious, or have a chronic anxiety disorder, you know what I’m talking about. If not, feel free to use these chapters as a learning opportunity. Or just take a nap. Use the pages to make a small paper aeroplane. Fly it to the moon. (c)
Q:
Anxiety and depression often come hand in hand. They skip through broken promises and cancelled plans and unspent opportunities. One can often trigger the other. Anxiety might come first, make the space just dark and cold enough for depression to thrive, and then it opens the door and ushers it in. (c)
Q:
Sometimes you get so good at this anxiety/depression combination that you can be feeling all of this terror while sitting quietly in a group with a polite smile on your face. Your body is yelling and begging to run, and nobody knows it but you. (c)
Q:
Anxiety is not just feeling a bit nervous. Let’s squash that misconception right now. It’s not a fleeting panic that can be corrected with reasonable effort and a bit of time. It’s a pervasive, hungry, nasty monster. It doesn’t listen to reason. It eats reason. It eats peace. It eats time. It eats joy. It eats the heart out of good days and makes them into rotten things. (c)
Q:
Anxiety will literally sap the energy out of you and leave you unable to think or talk or stand or fend for yourself. It’ll snatch words right out of your mouth and leave you gaping like a carp in a puddle. Thoughts will stand dumbly and hopelessly at the peripheries of your pulsing, terrified brain. Sometimes the body will respond with tears, or with hyperventilation or involuntary physical movements (teeth grinding, fist clenching, twitching or shaking, etc.). Doing anything feels terrifying. Going outside to the corner shop becomes mission impossible. Things that other people don’t bat an eyelid about keep you up at night. It’s a powerfully confusing and brain-scrambling force. It’s also takes its toll on your body and your physical wellness. Anxious people don’t get enough credit for how BODILY the whole thing is. Being this nervous is a sport, thank you very much. (c)
Q:
Anxiety is not
• Just feeling nervous or apprehensive about something.
• Conquered by ‘being brave’ or ‘pushing through it’.
• Something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
• An uncommon condition.
• Fatal (though it can definitely feel like it is).
• Something you can control by just pretending it’s not happening.
• Ever helped by someone shaming or scolding you for it.
• Incurable.
• The only thing you’ll ever feel in a new or unusual situation.
• A made-up condition. (c)
Q:
... I’ve spoken to a lot of GPs about my depression and anxiety. Like, A LOT. So many. A smorgasbord of general practitioners. (c)
Q:
Know your symptoms. If you can, know their real medical names. Instead of saying ‘shouty monster brain’, tell your doctor that you’ve been experiencing frequent anxiety. Instead of saying you’ve been ‘chomping on that old sad candy’, explain that you’ve been having severe depressive episodes for as long as you can remember. Instead of saying you’ve had a ‘case of the twizzly floaties’, say that you’ve been highly dissociative lately and it’s interfering with every aspect of your life and making it almost impossible to cope some days. Speaking your doctor’s language makes communicating the whole picture a hell of a lot easier. It bridges the gap and lets them know exactly what your problems are, which in turn makes it easier for them to prescribe the right medication or suggest the right treatment options. (c) I totally loved this!
Q:
It’s tempting to want to try to persuade them otherwise, or force them to see how unhelpful they’re being and get them onside, but mostly this is just an exhausting waste of your precious and delicious time. ... Fuck them all sky high. Sure, I hope they do better in future, but also, whatever. (c)
Q:
A lot of people will tell you these opinions without you even asking, like a vending machine that constantly shoots out chocolate bars for free, except instead of chocolate bars it’s just really annoying opinions that nobody asked for. (c)
Q:
This can be quite a physically draining task so you might want to ask for help from a friend or sibling or partner or a large and dexterous lizard. (c)
Q:
...please don’t settle miserably into one definition. Be like water: slip between states. Ice cube in the morning, steam in the afternoon. Go to bed and wake up changed. Wake up and be bewildered and awed at the constant changing and improving of you. Delight in the mistakes and the learning and the long, arduous nonsense of it all. It will all of it be weird and new and terrifying – that’s pretty much a guarantee. The universe requires life to be these things. (c)
Q:
Some good things:...
Showering at the end of a hot, sweaty day and putting on clean, dry clothes and then sitting outside in the late-afternoon sunshine and feeling like the sun is holding you in its hands like a hot lovely doughnut hole. You are the doughnut hole. You are the lovely doughnut hole. ...
Reading a great book in a great jumper with some great socks on while it’s raining outside. And the rain is ALSO great because it’s just living its best life making all the plants grow and giving us water for drinking and washing our feet in. And those plants and those drinks and those feet are all extremely great too. Everything is SO flipping great. ...
Standing in front of a fire on a cold wintry day and feeling your butt get all warm and toasty. A warm, toasty butt is truly the peak of comfort and luxury and I’ll hear nothing to the contrary. (c)
And what a hole it is. A hole of every bad decision, every self-destructive act, every toxic self-defeating behaviour we learned. It’s a big scary hole and we do not like it and we did not invite it to be here but it is here.
But guess what:
YOU DIDN’T PUT YOURSELF IN THE HOLE. And even if you did, who cares? What are you? The hole police? The sheriff of holes? Look – the hole is there. It exists. And so long as we’re just like, ‘Wow, what a large hole,’ nothing at all gets done about it.
You’re in a hole. (c)
Q:

[aqilahreads · Rating 5 out of 5]

it took me awhile to finish this book, solely for the reason that i had to pause, breathe & take down so many notes because its THAT good. among all the self-help books that i have read, i felt that this is one of the best ones when it comes to practical advices & reminders.

i love the way it was written!! not boring, super witty yet relatable at the same time. the fact that it was so easy to read and understand, its as if like im having a good friend comforting and telling me that i am doing okay all these while. the author also writes in such a way that it is very straight to the point and shares about some of her experiences too, and that itself is very life-affirming.

i genuinely recommend this to everyone because mental health is so important and it is a topic that gets stigmatized so often in our society. if someone experiences mental health problems, they are less likely to get help because of that stigma and shame. besides it being helpful for people with mental illness, this is also such a great book that can be so helpful for people who are not familiar with the topic too. slowly but surely!

"having a good relationship with ourselves means learning to enjoy the things that we do for comfort and accepting the fact that we bloody deserve them".

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I try to reserve my five stars for the books that dramatically altered something deep within me, and this one made the cut. How to Come Alive Again is a huge, warm, understanding hug. It is a guide of fundamentals of being human when you don't want to be a human. Highly, highly recommend for anyone that needs a reminder that it's not you against the world.

[Jules · Rating 1 out of 5]

I acknowledge that some people will probably get a lot out of this book, but overwhelmingly there’s not much in here that a cursory google search wouldn’t uncover. I did not gel with the author’s personality or twee humour at all, which I found really off-putting. The book is so repetitive (McColl acknowledges this in the intro but I don’t think it’s effective - sometimes even naming the same strategy twice in each of the many listicles) which might be helped if there were better structure. Maybe for a younger audience, but I’m not sure I’d recommend this to my clients either.

[Chloe Liese · Rating 5 out of 5]

“If you’re hurt, you’re deserving of healing. If you’re having a hard time, you deserve that time to end. Your pain requires confronting and unpacking and banishing through determination, empathy and positive support.”

How to Come Alive Again helped me tackle the lie of internalized ableism, that not until I’m at my breaking point do I deserve rest, that not until I’m sobbing do I deserve joy. Anyone with invisible illness, with maskable disabilities will resonate with this feeling, this lie of our culture that says we have to hide our struggle, that we don’t get to pace ourselves or stop producing or sleep or nourish ourselves or need cuddles and hot baths, that we can’t have slow, low days.

But that’s BS and this book helped me recalibrate not to anyone else’s styles or standards, but to my own, to the truth that I’m the way I’m supposed to be, and I deserve love and patience as I live and operate how I’m made to. Absolutely recommend for people working through anxiety and depression, who need practical life hacks and mantras for honoring our needs in our mental health journeys.

[Becci · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Of all the mental health and self-care books I’ve been binging, I really connected with this one as it felt like it was speaking my language. The author and I share similar demographics, you can feel the female perspective come through in the writing and there are cultural aspects like interacting with NHS and GPs within the UK that really matched my experiences.

I borrowed the audiobook through Libby. However I do personally think this particular book lands better in physical or e-book form. There’s nothing wrong with the author’s narration, I just think her writing works best as actual writing as there’s capitalisations and emphasis on page that isn’t noticeable by ear. I ended up buying a second-hand hardback edition of the book just after finishing this, as there’s lots of affirmations and “things to remember when” lists etc that will be helpful to refer back to later in the moment. I can’t wait to get my hands on it when it arrives!

[Sadhbh · Rating 2 out of 5]

I gave this two stars because there were some parts I slowed down and read fully, because they were useful. In general, I found this book really annoying and overly based on her own personal experience (which is fine! but giving general advice based on your own experience is annoying to those whose experience is not like yours!). I guess I'm not the target audience for this book but to me it seemed shallow and like a mishmash of internet think pieces and instagram posts. The underlying assumption that her readers have understanding parents who are a source of comfort is ever present, and so many of the pieces of advice only apply to a person in their early 20s whose mental distress is inexplicable and a source of concern for the people in their life, who do not share the same experience. Also, in a university that will accommodate them or a job that gives lots of time off. The book is very pro-medication and anti-therapy, on the basis that therapy is expensive (and medication is not??) and she takes it as an unproblematic given that 'mental illness' just exists and is a disease. The section on suicide I found horrible. I would seriously not recommend this book to anyone who has gone through abuse, does not have the resources to go on medication or go to a therapist, is dealing with intergenerational or communal trauma, is working class, is firmly in their 20s or older, or wants to understand the roots of their issues.

[Paul Nunes · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a great book for people struggling with chronic health in general; not just mental health. Beth is funny and considerate.
Much of the material is well established knowledge or common sense; however, there may also be many people who have not had access to the valuable and functional knowledge presented here. Having said that - everyone will learn at least a few nuggets of techniques and advice they may not have thought of.
It is nice to read from someone frankly sharing who 'gets it'.

[Jadey (the Bookish) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book absolutely chock full of practical advice for sufferers of mental illness and friends and family. A really important, helpful, and humourous read! Definitely recommend for anyone with depression or anxiety, like myself. The only reason this isn't 5 stars is because I felt it got a little repetitive by the end.

Beth McColl is a superb writer and after this I would genuinely read anything else she's written. Please write another book!

[Bo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dit boek is zeker aanrader. Staan nuttig tips in

[Dianna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you think you’ve read all the books on anxiety and self help?

Me too. But I didn’t, I did read many tbh.

Do you think they repeat on and on the same things?

I do too but this one is different. Not different in context but different in vibe, differently written.

This book on anxiety is the only book I’ve read with pleasure, the author couldn’t pin point this stuff any better.

Yea, I’ve read better books because they used science but who cares?

Not me.

This book WILL help you.

This book presents us meditation, yoga, clean eating but it isn’t repetitive. The principles work. But this book is way better, it’s readable and cool and it’s the cool book of 2021.

Read it.

It will make you feel better.

[Betti · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely helpful for anyone fairly new to the topic or experience of mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. I can see this also being helpful for someone close to a person with those struggles as it describes so well what those affected go through and how small things can be overwhelming when in the thick of it. Some very good tips too.

[Ellie · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I needed to read at just the right time.

I have dog-eared so many pages that I know I’ll return to on those particularly bad days. A few passages were initially skipped (provided with trigger warnings so you don’t have to read what you don’t want to), but easy to return to due to layout. Perhaps not a book to be consumed all at once, especially seeing as there are some really useful tips that can be implemented into your routine over time and it’s quite a heavy read in regards to actually facing some of those brain worms. Definitely one of those self-help books that’s actually useful, though, as it provides you with a script to talk to doctors, useful DBT skills, and learning how to allow yourself rest etc. McColl’s conversational tone removes the jargon so it’s not an overwhelming read and she’s hilarious. Overall, it’s an approachable and useful bit of material for both those suffering with mental illness and those who want to help a loved one.

[Jessica Yopp · Rating 3 out of 5]

A caring, non-judgmental, and humorous book of advice for individuals experiencing mental health issues, and for loved ones wanting to learn more. It's full of really practical tips--many of which may be common knowledge, but are helpful and important regardless. It's nice to hear advice from someone who has been through depression herself and can speak to what the lowest lows can look and feel like.

I highlighted a ton of passages--parts of the book I may want to return to later when I'm not doing so great. My only criticism is it can be repetitive at a few points, and the information wasn't organized in a very clear or defined way.

Feelings of depression and anxiety will eventually pass--it's always temporary--you just have to survive. This book shows you how to take care of yourself until it passes. And then how to take care of yourself afterwards.

[Danielle Carrington · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book felt like I was having my hand squeezed reassuringly by a friend throughout its entirety. This was a re-entry into reading for me, and completely helped rekindle my love for books whilst helping me to compartmentalise my own depression and anxiety. Beth somehow manages to seamlessly walk a line where her book is an easy read, yet at the same time, it is so thought-provoking and resonates with you for a long time after you finish. Drawing from her own experiences, the advice she gives isn't patronising, it is to-the-point and reminds anybody with mental illnesses that they are not alone in this world. Real, honest and life-affirming. This book would be an ideal purchase for anybody with depression or anybody neurotypical who wanted to understand the intricacies of a mentally ill mind. Just wonderful in every way.

[Joann Schatz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most enlightening books I’ve ever read when it comes to understanding mental illness and all the ways it manifests itself. I feel like I’m endlessly more equipped to fiercely love everyone in my life who struggles (myself included) and that my understanding has grown so much deeper. Also, this book is so funny and so charming and so vulnerable and real and honest. I love Beth McColl so much and I truly cherish this book. Reading it was like giving myself a gift every time I picked it up. 10/10!

[Jennifer Westermann-Guild · Rating 1 out of 5]

I cannot emphasise how much I hated this book, which seemed to be more of a terribly long buzzfeed listicle than a book. I was hoping for some meaningful insights on recovering from long term depression, instead it was cringe millennial humour mixed with pitiful insights into what it’s like to struggle with poor mental health.

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

First and foremost this book was beautifully written. It’s is jam packed with amazing and truly applicable words. There is lot of really important, hard stuff to read but equally as much dazzling comedy. I’ll be recommending this book to all of my friends and family.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant advice and guidelines in a relatable, often funny, voice. I never once felt patronised and felt like these were real tips that someone like me could implement. Will be recommending to friends.

[Aisling · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book felt like having a good friend speak to me very gently and firmly and tell me to put the damn work in and that I will be okay, and then holding my hand while we jump on google and work out how to go about it and then showing up for me every day after.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book incredibly insightful and useful - both in terms of its insight into recovery but also just the sheer breadth of topics and situations explored. Not all of it will apply to anyone but I definitely got a lot from this book.

[Havelock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the jokes took me out of it and will probably date the book, but mostly this is a really useful resource for dealing with depression.

[Rosie · Rating 3 out of 5]

* 3.5 Basically a positive, reassuring, fun self-image in a book.

[LKay · Rating 4 out of 5]

For years I’ve known Beth McColl as one of the funniest people on the internet. Not only does she have an insanely great sense of humor, but her openness about mental illness is so relatable and reassuring. She was one of the first people I ever saw having open, honest conversations online about her struggles and sharing ways to cope.

I bought this book when it first came out and was saving it for a time when I’d need it. I’ve been fortunate to have been doing pretty okay for a long while but recently have been kind of low functioning and feeling pretty bad, so decided to reach for this book as part of my self-care.

This book shares a bunch of strategies for dealing with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety - from simple acts of self-care, to meditation, to scheduling an appointment with a professional to get expert help and treatment. Beth shares these strategies in a lighthearted, no-nonsense way that makes you feel like you’re getting advice from a good friend.

I was pleased to recognize that I employ quite a few of these strategies in my day to day life already and appreciated the gentle reminders that these methods, however small, are effective and valid. Simply reading some of the self-care portions had a calming and soothing effect.

Highly recommend this book as a really great introduction for someone just getting started seeking help, or for someone who wants to understand more about someone they know that is struggling.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a well thought out and light hearted book designed to offer friendly advice and guidance for those with mental health issues, be you struggling with them, getting better, or well on the way to control your mental monsters. I would also say that this would be a useful book for many more people too as it is so packed full of good advice and ways to deal with mental challenging situations, moments, and events, not to mention the insight it gives into life with mental health issues. McColl draws a lot on her own experiences and because of that this very much has the feel of talking to your mates or support group and spit-balling ideas and options to try rather a straight line route to 'getting better'. There were even moments that were outright amusing, which is so often missing from works that deal with mental health, despite the importance of humour for good mental health. I particularly liked the reason given behind the creation of the internet, I'm not going to tell you what it is (you'll have to open the book to find out...unless someone let's slip!) but I whole-heartedly agree with it.

[Alyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Giving this 5 stars because of the voice of this author: she's kind, funny, empathetic, honest, and informed. She's on your team if you need somebody to tell you it's going to be okay and not okay.

I want to understand current threads of mental illness outside of our gross concepts of the wellness industry in the US--which is a giant band-aid on our broken "concepts of a plan" we call healthcare. She has useful advice for the person experiencing depression and those that love them. I fear the people who need this book the most do not read. Sigh.

I also love this publisher who puts good things in the world.

Favorite quotes:
"You have to just survive your winters as best you can."

"Delight in the mistakes and the learning and the long, arduous nonsense of it all."

Werner's (my dog) favorite quote:
"A warm, toasty butt is truly the peak of comfort and luxury and I'll hear nothing to the contrary."

[Rachele · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing style is comforting and friendly, even funny at times. It has a lot of topics and an easy to find guide layout. However if you have really bad mental illness a lot of the stuff in this book may be inaccessible for you to actually carry out, and sometimes she makes a joke about something being outrageous like no one would ever do it, but one of them I have, because of my ocd :( so feeling alienated wasn't nice. But I do still recommend it as a whole.

[Lindsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5. Was a mistake to listen to this as an audiobook. It’s ... good and kind, but mostly google-able information, and it’s WILDLY repetitive.

[Emily Tisshaw · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the perfect book for anyone who’s struggling mentally and doesn’t know what to do, it’s got all of the practical helpful advice you’ll ever need. I just wish I was given this book in my teens! Beth’s chatty style of writing makes it a fun read, too 😌

[Tracy]

Not for me. I don’t resonate with it and it seems more like a self help book than one to learn about the illnesses.