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Breaking from Your Parents: Setting a New Precedent for Your Life and Our Species
Have you broken from your parents or are you considering it? Breaking From Your Parents, written by former psychotherapist Daniel Mackler, tackles this taboo subject. Relying on the author’s personal experience and that of many others, the book offers background on this often painful subject and discusses actions we can take to maximize the healthiness of our breaking up process and minimize the risk. The book explores such topics as confronting parents, dealing with siblings, becoming financially independent, doing self-therapy to strengthen ourselves, grieving our losses, dealing with the world’s judgments and negative pressures, healing our childhood traumas, making respectful friends and living a healthy lifestyle. The book is direct, straightforward and supportive—and takes the point of view that there can be great value for us all in our taking distance from our parents.
244 pages, Paperback
First published January 30, 2014
24 people are currently reading
209 people want to read
About the author
Daniel Mackler
10 books85 followersI am a filmmaker, writer, and musician based in New York City. I also worked for ten years as a psychotherapist in New York, though I ended my formal therapy practice in early 2010. My writings focus on the causes, consequences, and radical significance of childhood trauma. I see childhood trauma as ranging from the extreme, which is common, to the mild, which is so much MORE common that few even notice it at all, much less call it by its proper name. I view the norm in our culture as being highly traumatized, and I view the average, and even above-average, childhood as being extremely traumatic – and the average parent as lacking both awareness of this and deep empathy for the child.
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 16 reviews
October 21, 2022
Check out Daniel Mackler's youtube channel. This man helped me realize my full potential.
I wish he would write more books
10/10
I wish he would write more books
10/10
November 14, 2022
4.1
Perhaps the most insightful book into parental narcissm written in the last 50 years. The only other predecessor that comes to mind is R.D. Laing's The Divided Self; if one remembers correctly.
Mackler does away with the pretend objectivity of social science by going gonzo on his own experiences in the therapeutic-industrial machine. He shortlists his own overcomings with his parents, the attempts at closure with his own clientelle/circles, and their respective, diverse outcomes.
My only complaint of this book is that it is incomplete and that the author's journey is incomplete. Mackler speaks of integration into society, a community of parent-departers, or actualized friendships/lovers as if it was a reward for one's experiences. This, however, seems to be a stopgap at best and a projection at worst. To borrow from the author's vocabulary, this integration seems like another parental rescue fantasy. It would be a real shame, after all that work, after all that self-realization, if one was just to give up one illusion just to cling to another.
This comes to a point most poignantly over the topic of forgiveness, where the middle-class assumptions of the book rears its head. The author proposes that forgiveness, as he has seen it used, is actually disassociation. And on the level that he and his companions experience forgiveness, that may or may not be true: the relief from all the feelings of anger, shame, fear, by avoidance can be labeled as forgiveness. Outside of the milieu of middle America, however, there also exists a more hard-earned, can one may even say true, forgiveness.
James Baldwin once said, "Though it may sound a little strange, I think the hardest thing for a human being to do is to forgive someone you've wronged." It sounds like a bad joke: that the oppressor forgives; that the narcissistic parent forgives the abused child. But remember, this is coming from James Baldwin: the man America feared so much so that he is literally erased from American history books. Why would the man who spoke for the most wronged of Americans, say that?
This strikes at that terrifying thing that Mackler and his middle-class friends have yet to achieve. Baldwin is speaking from the point of a paid-his-dues forgiveness. A forgiveness does not mean forgetting -- something white Americans in particular are unable to understand. As Baldwin says, "They don't see the person. This isn't a matter of prejudice. It's a matter of cowardice. It is easy to blame the nigger, the Arab, or the jew, or the dyke, or the faggot. Anyone who isn't you. You don't want to see could be that person. That in some way that you are that person." It's the secret of transference: that therapist could never feel what his client feels if it were not also a deep part of him. That in some way, though narcissist parents are guilty of every crime in which they could possibly be accused, they did nothing that you yourself were not capable of if put in the same position. That is some way, you could be that person.
The abusive parent is easy, even satisfying, to blame; but that doesn't bring the abused child any closer to growing up. It's the hardest thing in the world to forgive someone you've wronged. If one had unlimited power, say, as a government has over a criminal, or a master has over his slave, or as a parent has over a child, could you say that you also wouldn't do everything in your power to continue the fantasy of who you think you are?
Perhaps the most insightful book into parental narcissm written in the last 50 years. The only other predecessor that comes to mind is R.D. Laing's The Divided Self; if one remembers correctly.
Mackler does away with the pretend objectivity of social science by going gonzo on his own experiences in the therapeutic-industrial machine. He shortlists his own overcomings with his parents, the attempts at closure with his own clientelle/circles, and their respective, diverse outcomes.
My only complaint of this book is that it is incomplete and that the author's journey is incomplete. Mackler speaks of integration into society, a community of parent-departers, or actualized friendships/lovers as if it was a reward for one's experiences. This, however, seems to be a stopgap at best and a projection at worst. To borrow from the author's vocabulary, this integration seems like another parental rescue fantasy. It would be a real shame, after all that work, after all that self-realization, if one was just to give up one illusion just to cling to another.
This comes to a point most poignantly over the topic of forgiveness, where the middle-class assumptions of the book rears its head. The author proposes that forgiveness, as he has seen it used, is actually disassociation. And on the level that he and his companions experience forgiveness, that may or may not be true: the relief from all the feelings of anger, shame, fear, by avoidance can be labeled as forgiveness. Outside of the milieu of middle America, however, there also exists a more hard-earned, can one may even say true, forgiveness.
James Baldwin once said, "Though it may sound a little strange, I think the hardest thing for a human being to do is to forgive someone you've wronged." It sounds like a bad joke: that the oppressor forgives; that the narcissistic parent forgives the abused child. But remember, this is coming from James Baldwin: the man America feared so much so that he is literally erased from American history books. Why would the man who spoke for the most wronged of Americans, say that?
This strikes at that terrifying thing that Mackler and his middle-class friends have yet to achieve. Baldwin is speaking from the point of a paid-his-dues forgiveness. A forgiveness does not mean forgetting -- something white Americans in particular are unable to understand. As Baldwin says, "They don't see the person. This isn't a matter of prejudice. It's a matter of cowardice. It is easy to blame the nigger, the Arab, or the jew, or the dyke, or the faggot. Anyone who isn't you. You don't want to see could be that person. That in some way that you are that person." It's the secret of transference: that therapist could never feel what his client feels if it were not also a deep part of him. That in some way, though narcissist parents are guilty of every crime in which they could possibly be accused, they did nothing that you yourself were not capable of if put in the same position. That is some way, you could be that person.
The abusive parent is easy, even satisfying, to blame; but that doesn't bring the abused child any closer to growing up. It's the hardest thing in the world to forgive someone you've wronged. If one had unlimited power, say, as a government has over a criminal, or a master has over his slave, or as a parent has over a child, could you say that you also wouldn't do everything in your power to continue the fantasy of who you think you are?
April 14, 2015
A very brave book talking about a taboo - but wildly important - topic.
September 27, 2015
Skip this cultish, egotistic navel-gazer
After having to go no contact with my family of origin, I was desperate to find something to help me begin to heal from the pain and betrayal I was feeling. With money tight, I got this since it was inexpensive. BIG MISTAKE.
The author claims to have been abused, and yet his attitude comes off as a judgemental, egotistic, know it all. His myopic view of the world is a glum one indeed. No wonder he, his friends, and "patients" (ironic he is a therapist when none are worthwhile in his standards) are still struggling with healing, instead of living, and are ambivalent about their feelings where their parents are concerned.
I know abuse is real, it is serious, and child abuse is horrible. This is NOT the book to read to find healing. Even if this book were free, it is best to go with a well respected author. Some I have found are Alice Miller, Danu Morrigan, and SpartanLifecoach. May you find healing from your pain.
After having to go no contact with my family of origin, I was desperate to find something to help me begin to heal from the pain and betrayal I was feeling. With money tight, I got this since it was inexpensive. BIG MISTAKE.
The author claims to have been abused, and yet his attitude comes off as a judgemental, egotistic, know it all. His myopic view of the world is a glum one indeed. No wonder he, his friends, and "patients" (ironic he is a therapist when none are worthwhile in his standards) are still struggling with healing, instead of living, and are ambivalent about their feelings where their parents are concerned.
I know abuse is real, it is serious, and child abuse is horrible. This is NOT the book to read to find healing. Even if this book were free, it is best to go with a well respected author. Some I have found are Alice Miller, Danu Morrigan, and SpartanLifecoach. May you find healing from your pain.
January 7, 2021
Honestly, a pretty drastic story and author who experienced some worse and more physical abuse from his parents. If you read this, keep in mind he puts a large emphasis on your inner child, and that it's ok to completely cut your parents out of your life over just about anything. Had some spelling and grammatical errors, too, unfortunately.
February 16, 2025
This book has saved me a lot of time and effort of trying to figure out how to navigate my recovery on my own. I am eternally grateful to Daniel for his insights. His work has helped me and taught me much about the nature of our world.
August 24, 2021
Very interesting, thought provoking book. Definitely helps me reconsider what healthy aspects of my relationship with my parents has looked like, and what parts to work on.
February 16, 2022
Great read.
I enjoyed the work. Certainly a different point of view worth considering, especially for those abused, the western culture can be trying at times. Thanks.
I enjoyed the work. Certainly a different point of view worth considering, especially for those abused, the western culture can be trying at times. Thanks.
May 4, 2024
"I don't remember when I downloaded Breaking from Your Parents: Setting a New Precedent for Your Life and Our Species onto my Kindle, yet I opened my Kindle on a return flight from work in mid-March, and there it was. I became familiar with Daniel Mackler's content after subscribing to his YouTube channel a few years ago; I appreciate his candor and authenticity about his childhood experiences and growth since then. It's with an air of openness and anticipation that I began this book.
Mackler clearly situates this work for a specific audience, those looking to break from or are already in the process of breaking from their parents, and he proceeds unabashedly--analyzing, addressing, and responding to hypothetical amalgams of different experiences he, his friends, and his past therapy clients have had during this process. Mackler is quite generous in his retelling of his personal story where he openly acknowledges what goodness his parents likely intended for him, yet he maintains a sureness of the utter validity of his experiences, traumatic and otherwise, which energizes his voice. I deeply appreciated Mackler's affirming words and maturity, and I one day hope to achieve a similar level of emotional distance from my past experiences such that I may be able to relate them to others so clearly.
However, my reading of this book was tainted early on by Mackler's woeful mischaracterization of historical and contemporary attitudes towards chattel slavery which necessitated his unsuccessful analogy comparing the prospect of breaking free from the parent-child relationship and the slavemaster-slave relationship in Chapter 1: Why the World Resists You. Mackler inaccurately states the existence of an overwhelming consensus among those who live in the United States that slavery is wrong and unethical. He then questions why there is no similar consensus about parents' ability to own their children and children's ability to criticize and extricate themselves from the mistreatment and abuse experienced at the hands of their parents. This comparison illustrates a worrying misunderstanding about the role of the state and its many violent apparatuses in maintaining and normalizing abusive and coercive institutions, such as chattel slavery, the prison industry, and the nuclear family--all of these being crucial institutions that comprise "a land like America--'with liberty and justice for all'" (Mackler 15).
As I read through the rest of Breaking from Your Parents: Setting a New Precedent for Your Life and Our Species, I kept returning to Mackler's initial inaccuracy and realized that this lack of more honest analysis tinted everything he writes with a subtle yet ever-present tinge of inadequacy. He ends the book with Chapter 22: Looking Forward where he shares his vision of futuristic change with the reader, and despite the alluring hope of possibility present, I knew there wasn't adequate critical analysis buttressing this vision for me to invest past the conceptual. Yet, I think this vision and book as a whole is an acceptable starting point from which later visionaries might proceed, and for that, I am grateful. 3.5 stars." - May 4, 2024
Mackler clearly situates this work for a specific audience, those looking to break from or are already in the process of breaking from their parents, and he proceeds unabashedly--analyzing, addressing, and responding to hypothetical amalgams of different experiences he, his friends, and his past therapy clients have had during this process. Mackler is quite generous in his retelling of his personal story where he openly acknowledges what goodness his parents likely intended for him, yet he maintains a sureness of the utter validity of his experiences, traumatic and otherwise, which energizes his voice. I deeply appreciated Mackler's affirming words and maturity, and I one day hope to achieve a similar level of emotional distance from my past experiences such that I may be able to relate them to others so clearly.
However, my reading of this book was tainted early on by Mackler's woeful mischaracterization of historical and contemporary attitudes towards chattel slavery which necessitated his unsuccessful analogy comparing the prospect of breaking free from the parent-child relationship and the slavemaster-slave relationship in Chapter 1: Why the World Resists You. Mackler inaccurately states the existence of an overwhelming consensus among those who live in the United States that slavery is wrong and unethical. He then questions why there is no similar consensus about parents' ability to own their children and children's ability to criticize and extricate themselves from the mistreatment and abuse experienced at the hands of their parents. This comparison illustrates a worrying misunderstanding about the role of the state and its many violent apparatuses in maintaining and normalizing abusive and coercive institutions, such as chattel slavery, the prison industry, and the nuclear family--all of these being crucial institutions that comprise "a land like America--'with liberty and justice for all'" (Mackler 15).
As I read through the rest of Breaking from Your Parents: Setting a New Precedent for Your Life and Our Species, I kept returning to Mackler's initial inaccuracy and realized that this lack of more honest analysis tinted everything he writes with a subtle yet ever-present tinge of inadequacy. He ends the book with Chapter 22: Looking Forward where he shares his vision of futuristic change with the reader, and despite the alluring hope of possibility present, I knew there wasn't adequate critical analysis buttressing this vision for me to invest past the conceptual. Yet, I think this vision and book as a whole is an acceptable starting point from which later visionaries might proceed, and for that, I am grateful. 3.5 stars." - May 4, 2024
January 30, 2024
I’ve always wondered about these people, who confront the seemingly insurmountable, life-threatening and shameful pain and keep at it and if that’s not enough, also confront their parents’ disassociated pain. What separates these people from the ones who decide not to do that?
To me it feels obvious to confront these things as I couldn’t bear to lie to myself and live behind a façade. And yet I think I’m beginning to understand the other side. None of us are really strong enough to take on these pains that we suffered as children and disassociated from as they were just too much to deal with and we all have these pains buried somewhere inside. Perhaps that’s the obvious answer why not do it – we are just not strong enough.
We might appear as big powerful, functioning adults but it doesn’t matter, we’re still afraid, even more so, the stronger the façade becomes. The world is just a playground for our suppressed, unconscious pains and the more disassociation there is, the worse it gets.
So should we take the leap of faith and dive into the pain that is buried inside even though we’re definitely still not strong enough to deal with it? Well the pain can break you, disable you and take away all that control that we seemingly have behind our façades. Still I think, whatever the outcome, it’s better than the alternative.
What is the alternative? Well, it’s disassociating from your true self and adopting some artificial construct as the apparent new true self and behaving like everything is fine. To me that’s hell, I couldn’t do that, so the consequences of dealing with the dark, buried traumas are acceptable. Perhaps it’s the other way around to many people. Still there are consequences for shutting your true self behind endless walls of pain – no true intimacy and love in relationships and the resulting sense of isolation would be the main issue.
Great book, but emotionally very difficult. You’ve been warned.
To me it feels obvious to confront these things as I couldn’t bear to lie to myself and live behind a façade. And yet I think I’m beginning to understand the other side. None of us are really strong enough to take on these pains that we suffered as children and disassociated from as they were just too much to deal with and we all have these pains buried somewhere inside. Perhaps that’s the obvious answer why not do it – we are just not strong enough.
We might appear as big powerful, functioning adults but it doesn’t matter, we’re still afraid, even more so, the stronger the façade becomes. The world is just a playground for our suppressed, unconscious pains and the more disassociation there is, the worse it gets.
So should we take the leap of faith and dive into the pain that is buried inside even though we’re definitely still not strong enough to deal with it? Well the pain can break you, disable you and take away all that control that we seemingly have behind our façades. Still I think, whatever the outcome, it’s better than the alternative.
What is the alternative? Well, it’s disassociating from your true self and adopting some artificial construct as the apparent new true self and behaving like everything is fine. To me that’s hell, I couldn’t do that, so the consequences of dealing with the dark, buried traumas are acceptable. Perhaps it’s the other way around to many people. Still there are consequences for shutting your true self behind endless walls of pain – no true intimacy and love in relationships and the resulting sense of isolation would be the main issue.
Great book, but emotionally very difficult. You’ve been warned.
July 2, 2023
I´ve recently discovered Daniel Macklers YouTube-channel (thanks to the algo) which I very much like because of his honest and different view on the subject of childhood trauma. That led me to the book.
It lines up in a bunch of different media I´ve been on to lately. And it adds a good piece of puzzle to my journey.
Even though I´m not completely sure about whether to agree with Daniel in the totality of his claims, I still think it´s worth to have read and to think about. I´m now considering options I wasn´t really considering before. So to anyone who bothers about the title at all - go for it! I´ll definitely coming back to this book in a couple of years.
And my compliment to Daniel who I consider a really courageous person for opening up to us by telling so much about his history with his parents!
It lines up in a bunch of different media I´ve been on to lately. And it adds a good piece of puzzle to my journey.
Even though I´m not completely sure about whether to agree with Daniel in the totality of his claims, I still think it´s worth to have read and to think about. I´m now considering options I wasn´t really considering before. So to anyone who bothers about the title at all - go for it! I´ll definitely coming back to this book in a couple of years.
And my compliment to Daniel who I consider a really courageous person for opening up to us by telling so much about his history with his parents!
May 24, 2023
I think he's the first of his kind in what he is preaching. Misunderstood and under-understood writer.
It will take some time setting aside to get through the whole book because it requires you to fess up to your own feelings a lot.
Will come back to it.
It will take some time setting aside to get through the whole book because it requires you to fess up to your own feelings a lot.
Will come back to it.
July 5, 2023
Good book, lots on thought-provoking case studies and stories
November 5, 2023
pretty good!
November 13, 2022
As an adult child of an alcoholic I've spent the past 2 years focusing on my mental health with the help of a great therapist. Slowly but surely I became strong enough to break from my extremely toxic parents. At the moment of the break I was looking for a book that could help with processing, to see what will come after this, the biggest and most important step in my life. I wanted to know how the people around me will react, just to see what I can expect happening on the way ahead.
I was surprised that there are just very few books about this topic.
I know the books Toxic parents, Adult children of alcoholics etc., but they do not focus on breaking from the parents.
I am very thankful for Daniel Mackler for writing this book.
All the feelings this book gave me:
- comfort, as I am not the only one who goes through this (I know in theory we know all this, but in practice it's just different)
- understanding that the biggest part of the society will just simply never accept that we break from the parents, and he explains why
- eye-opener, I always knew I am very strong to make this step, but he emphasizes how strong we are just because we were able to break from our parents.
The book helped me a lot while reading, and now that I've finished I think this was the most helpful book I've bought so far. It is a must read if you are thinking about breaking from your toxic parents, and also if you've already done that.
I was surprised that there are just very few books about this topic.
I know the books Toxic parents, Adult children of alcoholics etc., but they do not focus on breaking from the parents.
I am very thankful for Daniel Mackler for writing this book.
All the feelings this book gave me:
- comfort, as I am not the only one who goes through this (I know in theory we know all this, but in practice it's just different)
- understanding that the biggest part of the society will just simply never accept that we break from the parents, and he explains why
- eye-opener, I always knew I am very strong to make this step, but he emphasizes how strong we are just because we were able to break from our parents.
The book helped me a lot while reading, and now that I've finished I think this was the most helpful book I've bought so far. It is a must read if you are thinking about breaking from your toxic parents, and also if you've already done that.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 16 reviews