Личные границы: Как их устанавливать и отстаивать

by Jennie Miller, Victoria Lambert, Дженни Миллер

Практическое руководство психотерапевта Дженни Миллер — четырех-шаговая система преодоления жизненных трудностей — от личностных конфликтов, отношений с родителями до затруднений в карьере. Издание содержит множество примеров из практики и упражнений с элементами транз­акционного анализа. Вы позаботитесь о себе (и разберетесь во внутреннем хаосе), станете крепче и увереннее и построите здоровые плодотворные отношения со всеми, кто вас окружает.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Audiobook

232 pages, Kindle Edition

Published July 30, 2018

Reviews

[Sergey Nadolskiy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Книга не понравилась. Не смог осилить более 10%. Скучно, не интересно и всё не в точку.

[Kamila Kozhabayeva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Проблема установки и тем более отстаивания личных границ была для меня одной из самых сложных. Теперь я решила почитать про неё детально и начала с этой книги. Поначалу книга меня абсолютно не впечатлила, но уже со второй главы я начала понимать, какое разнообразие границ нужно держать под контролем, о котором я даже не догадывалась.

Книга сначала говорит об установлении личных границ сна, фитнеса, пищевых привычек, вредных привычек, пользования интернетом и общения с окружающими людьми.

Во второй главе описываются границы общения на работе. Мне очень понравилось, что описываются различные возможные роли в коллективе, взаимодействуя с которыми ваши рабочие будни могут стать невыносимыми, а также тактики поведения с людьми разных ролей.

Третья глава раскрывает тему любовных и близких отношений. Спойлер: если ваши личные границы размыты, то и в отношения рано или поздно приходит разруха.

«Четвёртый шаг», как называют главу авторы, стал для меня самым интересным. Здесь описываются все возможные модели отношений в семье и типы родителей, которые повлияли на становление любого взрослого. Тут я нашла себя, всех своих друзей, своих родителей и их родителей, своего бывшего, и стало страшно оттого, насколько мы все подходим под описания в книге, которая по сути является модным изложением старой теории Берна. Самое главное - к каждой модели взаимодействия даётся объяснение, пример из практики, упражнение для самоанализа и цитата на заметку для четкого очертания вашего курса, с которого нельзя сворачивать.

✅ Книга строится на ряде научных трудов титанов психологии и социологии, но что особо порадовало, даются практические советы по переходу из Треугольника Карпмана (систему при которой ты играешь одну из трёх ролей в различных ситуациях: Жертва-Преследователь-Спасатель) в Треугольник Победителя Эйси Чой (когда Преследователь становится Уверенным, Спасатель - Заботливым и Жертва - Беззащитной).

✅ Я обязательно куплю книгу в бумажном варианте на будущее: в книге тонна советов по воспитанию детей. Книга-настоящая находка для тех, кто не хочет передавать по наследству ряд родительских или общественных установок, которые мешали им в жизни. ▶️▶️▶️

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is yet another recommendation for my fellow coaches and for anyone who has identified that their current boundaries are not serving them well.

I liked how the book was laid out 1) self boundaries 2) work 3) partner, children and families.

My boundaries and ability to say no has really improved over the years. This book helped me to see it’s probably a lot to do with the work I have done on self boundaries. So a good place to start with your boundaries is to check in with your sleep, food exercise and habits - if those boundaries aren’t great it may lead you to discover why your boundaries with others needs some work.

I also really liked the concept of the internal debating table of child, parent and adult. I have been using it to good effect.

The other concept I already loved and use a lot is the “drama triangle” and how to move from that into the “empowered triangle”. However, they delved much more deeply into this concept and introduced me to the “winners triangle”. I find these concepts fascinating as the understanding they develop leads to higher empathy for others and emotional freedom.

[Lynn P · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm always looking for enlightenment into personal development so when I received this book I dived right into it. I found it very easy to read and understand with well laid out headings across the four steps.
Step 1 Me, myself, I
Step 2 The workplace
Step 3 Love and intimacy
Step 4 Your family and other animals

The most noticeable thing about this book is how very up to date it is with dealing with issues like social media boundaries both at home and in the workplace. I've never personally read anything in a book like this before and if you are starting out in the world of work (or indeed aren't sure about protocol) then this is a good guideline to set you on the right path regarding how to behave on social media. It also tackles the subject of bullying at work - again I haven't seen this met head on before and am pleased to see this advice.

Throughout the book there are real life case histories so you can relate to how the advice works in real life. There are also little insights which make it seem like the book is a bit of a mind reader! How did you know I just thought that when I read the heading "Fitness"???

I found the first step the most useful for me. This is a book you can refer to again and again at different points in your life and you will find some sound guidance and advice.

I'm giving this book 5 out of 5 stars. I received a paperback copy of the book from HarperCollins in exchange for an honest review.

[Ivanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Тема хороша, розкриття так собі

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting discussion about the setting of boundaries both for ourselves and for those we interact with. I particularly enjoyed the section which discussed the use of boundaries as a part of parenting and the resultant impact of the lack of these on our adult personality types; at one point the authors described me and I had that lightbulb moment of maybe this is a problem in my current relationships. I’m effusively independent and in previous intimate relationships it has been the source of arguments that I don’t share what I’m up to and essentially my life; although I do on social media. In fact I’m quite aloof at times and find it unsettling that someone wants to know my every move. This stems from my childhood as I was on the one hand very much left to my own devices to make my own decisions but my behaviour was monitored from afar and checked up on often. Whilst this was very good in making me self-sufficient it means that as an adult I find it very difficult to be vulnerable and share my inner most thoughts with another person as I’m not used to doing it in an open way; I unconsciously expect the person to know or to find out like my parent had which means I don’t often fully express myself and feel unsettled; disconnected or always at a distance from others. The book discusses how we each have a family of voices in our mind that have been created through our childhood and early experiences such as the judgemental parental voice who makes you say ‘but it’s not very good’ when for example you show a drawing you have done. I find myself doing it and this voice has to be settled so that you can enjoy the process of drawing rather than considering the outcome and whether it is up to a specific standard. It was interesting to listen to the discussion of setting personal boundaries such as social media usage, sleep and fitness and how it is essential self-care to set them for yourself. It makes you realise that when you left home at 19 to go to university you should have begun to parent yourself only nobody told you that; I’ve been essentially neglecting myself for the last 10 years. I’ve not been a good parent to myself so it’s no wonder I’m feral sometimes. I realise I have to be more kind to myself and try to dissolve the should or have to voice and to be okay saying no without thinking so much about how that makes the other person feel. I realised I also need to stop being a ‘rescuer’ and trying to help others before my own needs are met. Another interesting discussion was that about Orthorexia whereby a person is obsessed with eating healthy to the point of seeing food as calories instead of vital sustenance; it unsettles me greatly when people comment on calories in food or say things like ‘I’ve earnt it’ or ‘You can run it off’. I have a very healthy relationship with food and I view it as a way of removing the feelings of hunger and a pleasurable taste experience. I never restrict my food intake or weigh myself and find it really irritating that other people talk about it so often that I’m forced to think about it in such a negative and unhealthy way. Food is fuel and you need it to survive. Beyond that it’s not worth thinking about.

[Dmitrii · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe I would have rated it 5 if it was the first book on the topic, but now it seems to me a bit too primitive, with some awkward assumptions, i.e writing about boundaries the authors try to force some ideas, which are not reliably proven.

In general, the book is really good, it covers very basic, and gives some useful exercises, as well as advices to help understand yourself. I would recommend this book anyway, it just happens that it doesn't resonate for me.

[poskoree · Rating 3 out of 5]

Книга показалась очень поверхностной. Ощущение что автор хочет пробежаться по разным темам быстренько и все охватить.
Советы и упражнения вызывают, мягко говоря, скепсис и недоверие, а тексту на уровне «выстраивайте границы = ложитесь спать вовремя, правильно питайтесь, стройте границы с семьей и не работайте 24/7» явно не хватает научной поддержки.

[Yelena · Rating 4 out of 5]

Кратко про то, как устроены границы, как они работают и как их отстаивать в каждой сфере жизни (личное пространство, работа, дружба, дети и родители). Много практики про границы. В конце - о том, как заложить детям здоровое понимание про границы.

[Jeanniehay64 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perfect book to get you thinking of setting boundaries and how helpful this is for everyone in your life. Definitely worth a read I enjoyed it

[Tara (A Bottled Rose) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very accessible book for starting to understand where you stand in relation to others, where you need to strengthen boundaries and how to go about that.

[Lyndsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book.

[Michelle Ryles · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who can NEVER say no, I was immediately intrigued by Boundaries. Could this be the self-help book I had been looking for? Split into four sections: Me, Myself, I, The Workplace, Love and Intimacy and Your Family and Other Animals, I found the first half of the book was more useful to me than the latter half. The second half has a strong emphasis on family and relationship boundaries and although very useful to some, were not relevant to me. For completeness, I read the whole book but I will be returning in future solely to the sections where I feel I will get some benefit.

My first eye-opening moment was the drama triangle and moving on to the winner's triangle. This is SO TRUE! I immediately found that I was mentally placing myself, friends and colleagues on my triangles. So the book was doing its job already! This is the main thing that I took away from reading Boundaries, how often I found myself on the drama triangle without even realising it. I think once you recognise something, you can change it so this is absolutely invaluable for me.

Another priceless tool in Boundaries is the debating table: a chance for the real me to have a voice where nobody will shoot it down. You're only arguing/debating with other personas within yourself, after all. I honestly think that we are all multi-faceted: we put on different faces for our family, friends and colleagues. What would happen if these faces got in a room together. Who would win? Which one is the real you?

Although there are blank pages for this very purpose, I couldn't bring myself to write in the book. Looking back, I wish I'd made some notes in a separate notebook as I think this is really beneficial to the whole mindset of setting boundaries.

Boundaries has set a good foundation from which I can work on. For me, the first step was recognising myself. Now that I have done this and when I have REALLY looked at myself, I will return to the book and see how I can implement change.

Although I didn't have a huge 'eureka' moment, Boundaries gave me something to work on. It won't make changes happen overnight but it will definitely make you think through each situation before jumping in with both feet. After all, what's the worst that could happen if you say 'NO'? Try it and find out!

I chose to read an ARC and this is my honest and unbiased opinion.

[Morganta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Пошаговое руководство об установлении границ (спойлер: каждый раз действовать предлагается примерно одинаково с поправками на конкретную ситуацию, но это в общем-то хорошо). Отдельно понравилось использование примеров не только из абстрактной психологической практики, но и из массового кинематографа (примеры, для большой доступности, часто бывают максимально утрированными, как и сюжетные ходы в фикшене), отдельно не понравилась местами чересчур напористая подача — авторы задают вопрос и сразу же предлагают ответы, не давая возможности читателю найти свой. Другие недостатки типичны для жанра: минимум теории, уверенность в своём методе как в абсолютном ответе на всё.
3.5

[Anna Melnik · Rating 2 out of 5]

Пустая книга с набором поверхностных советов в духе «просто верните себе внутренний баланс». Вплоть до конца не покидало ощущение, что это предисловие, и вот-вот начнётся глава по существу. Автор предлагается задаваться перечнем вопросов, не давай комментариев, как трактовать результаты. Не понимаю, почему книга так популярна

[Meredith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good. The section on social media/online friends etc was stuff I have come across before and am already practicing, so can attest to its value. The Drama Triangle vs the Winners Triangle was new to me and insightful, and I can see it will be helpful.

[Sophie Kulyashova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Для меня книга оказалась довольно полезной и интересной. Понравилась чёткая структура в подаче материала.

[Lucy Mitchell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mixed views

It didn’t do what I wanted it to do. I don’t think it went deep enough for me on boundary setting and it was spread across a lot of topics. Useful in places.

[Kamidzy · Rating 3 out of 5]

В целом очень много ерунды, но открытием лично для меня стал треугольник победителя и откровение про поглаживания. Очень мне этого не хватало и очень я этого жду

[yaladoshka · Rating 2 out of 5]

Книга скорее рассчитана на новичков, которые только делают первые шаги в самопознании и психологии. Для более «продвинутых» новой информации тут нет.

[Sarah Barnett · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful guide with breakdowns for different categories of your life e.g boundaries at work, boundaries with family, etc Useful tips