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A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose
She faced years of abuse after arriving in Canada as a teenage bride in a hastily arranged marriage, but nothing could stop Samra Zafar from pursuing her dreams At 15, Samra Zafar had big dreams for herself. She was going to go to university, and forge her own path. Then with almost no warning, those dreams were pulled away from her when she was suddenly married to a stranger at 17 and had to leave behind her family in Pakistan to move to Canada. Her new husband and his family promised that the marriage and the move would be a fulfillment of her dream, not a betrayal of it. But as the walls of their home slowly became a prison, Samra realized the promises were empty ones. Desperate to get out, and refusing to give up, she hatched an escape plan for herself and her two daughters. Somehow she found the strength to not only build a new future, but to walk away from her past, ignoring the pleas of her family and risking cultural isolation by divorcing her husband. A Good Wife tells her harrowing and inspiring story, following her from a young girl with big dreams, through finding strength in the face of oppression and then finally battling through to empowerment.
352 pages, Paperback
First published March 5, 2019
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 303 reviews
May 7, 2019
The fact that a girl from a “somewhat progressive” Pakistani family... a family in which the parents first priority was their daughters education, and yet they end up marrying her off at the age of 16 makes one realize the power of societal pressure on parents of daughters in a culture where girls/women are considered not worthy of respect or equality. It makes my heart bleed to imagine if this is what happened to a girl from a family like Samra’s, what must be happening to girls who do not have their parents support for a right to an education or even an opinion.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and couldn’t wait to get to the pages of Samra’s triumphs. This book is a story about the power of resilience, power of education, and the power of all women. I applaud this book. A thoroughly enjoyable read.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and couldn’t wait to get to the pages of Samra’s triumphs. This book is a story about the power of resilience, power of education, and the power of all women. I applaud this book. A thoroughly enjoyable read.
March 23, 2021
The Politician by Devesh Verma is the story of Ram Mohan, who is an intrepid and an ambitious young man in newly Independent India. The book is set in Northern India and was a complete page turner for me. The book definitely involves a lot of characters.
The story starts with a phone ring, Deena, Ram Mohan's son was dead. Both them come from Kanpur and have vailed their way to different city for a better future. Kanti, Deena's mother and Ram Mohan's wife was quite an activist type.
The book travels very suddenly between the past and the present, which gets confusing at times to understand the plot. The book starts with Ram Mohan's childhood and goes to he becoming the Politician as well as his journey over the course of many years. The family dynamics between Kanti & Ram Mohan are also very well narrated.
On the other side we see the Deena's suicide mystery being unrelieved as well as many secrets and twists & turns along with it. We see Kartik, the journalist narrating this story as well as the political career of Ram Mohan. Overall, the book was thrilling and fast paced, so those who all Political Thrillers, I recommend you check this out.
____
3.5 stars
The story starts with a phone ring, Deena, Ram Mohan's son was dead. Both them come from Kanpur and have vailed their way to different city for a better future. Kanti, Deena's mother and Ram Mohan's wife was quite an activist type.
The book travels very suddenly between the past and the present, which gets confusing at times to understand the plot. The book starts with Ram Mohan's childhood and goes to he becoming the Politician as well as his journey over the course of many years. The family dynamics between Kanti & Ram Mohan are also very well narrated.
On the other side we see the Deena's suicide mystery being unrelieved as well as many secrets and twists & turns along with it. We see Kartik, the journalist narrating this story as well as the political career of Ram Mohan. Overall, the book was thrilling and fast paced, so those who all Political Thrillers, I recommend you check this out.
____
3.5 stars
December 15, 2019
A gripping and valuable memoir about the author’s abusive arranged marriage. As a teen in Pakistan from a relatively progressive family, she was pressured into marrying a man from Canada, believing his family’s promise that she would gain a Canadian university education. Instead, she found herself isolated and abused in her new life in Mississauga. It took her many years and many tries to finally leave the relationship, and build a new life for her and her daughters.
The author’s article in Toronto Life a few years ago was eye-opening. Sometimes when a magazine or newspaper article leads to a book, it’s apparent that the author is stretching out something that ought to have stayed article-length - but not here, I couldn’t put the book down. Zafar does an amazing job illustrating the cycle of abuse and showing how hard it can be and so many tries it can take to leave an abuser (which can be hard to understand), as well as showing what kinds of supports helped, either in building up to gaining her freedom or in finally attaining it. For example, I was interested to read about how a worker at an Ontario Early Years Centre gained Zafar’s confidence at a playgroup drop-in when her first daughter was small, for example, and had her call an assaulted women’s helpline. That didn’t result in her leaving at the time, but gave her valuable information. It made me think about the Early Years Centres I went to as a young mother too, and what a good gathering point and resources they were for women of a variety of backgrounds.
The author’s article in Toronto Life a few years ago was eye-opening. Sometimes when a magazine or newspaper article leads to a book, it’s apparent that the author is stretching out something that ought to have stayed article-length - but not here, I couldn’t put the book down. Zafar does an amazing job illustrating the cycle of abuse and showing how hard it can be and so many tries it can take to leave an abuser (which can be hard to understand), as well as showing what kinds of supports helped, either in building up to gaining her freedom or in finally attaining it. For example, I was interested to read about how a worker at an Ontario Early Years Centre gained Zafar’s confidence at a playgroup drop-in when her first daughter was small, for example, and had her call an assaulted women’s helpline. That didn’t result in her leaving at the time, but gave her valuable information. It made me think about the Early Years Centres I went to as a young mother too, and what a good gathering point and resources they were for women of a variety of backgrounds.
April 19, 2019
A brilliant memoir by a powerful woman.
My own mother went through a more subdued version of these events and had the courage to break free. I am very lucky to have the kind of freedom and agency I have in my life and that is entirely due to her resilience and strength in face of marital abuse.
My own mother went through a more subdued version of these events and had the courage to break free. I am very lucky to have the kind of freedom and agency I have in my life and that is entirely due to her resilience and strength in face of marital abuse.
July 15, 2022
In The Politician by Devesh Verma, we meet Ram Mohan, a well learned and passionate young man ready to make his name in the newly independent India. Surrounded by strong political minds, he has his strong ambitions of moving through the ranks in the bureaucratic field. With his eyes set on political power and position, Ram Mohan is ready for drastic measures, even use force.
The author has done a phenomenal job of narrating a story with candor and skill, portraying a true picture of the Indian political scene at that era. The characters are deeply flawed, whereas the main character Ram Mohan did not leave a mark on my mind. This book is a masterpiece of literature, yet it failed to connect with me. Reading this book would be a treat for the political enthusiast, for its factual style and slow paced story.
The author has done a phenomenal job of narrating a story with candor and skill, portraying a true picture of the Indian political scene at that era. The characters are deeply flawed, whereas the main character Ram Mohan did not leave a mark on my mind. This book is a masterpiece of literature, yet it failed to connect with me. Reading this book would be a treat for the political enthusiast, for its factual style and slow paced story.
January 8, 2020
This was a really good book--a fast read, a memoir about an arranged marriage between a beautiful, spirited, spunky teenager and a damaged man a decade older. I found it in the library of the Royal Mauian and started it on vacation and finished it on the plane trip home.
It is written very simply and this is my only criticism of the book (not a large one), but as the build up to her decision to leave the marriage took years in real life and felt like years reading it--I felt the tedium and "stuckness" of Samra keenly, the back and forth between her duties to herself and her children and her duties to her abusive husband, his awful parents, and her culture.
Highly recommend.
I think what I appreciated (not liked) best was the accurate description of emotional abuse--while she was physically shoved, hit, slapped, pinched, she wasn't truly "beaten" or "battered", but the abuse she suffered was as severe as if she had been.
I LOVED "Aisha", Samra's oldest daughter, she ROCKED and any time I smiled reading this was because of something "Aisha" did or said in response to seeing her mother being abused.
Aisha reminded me of my own amazing daughter--although thankfully my daughter (unlike Aisha) did not need to be a fully functioning adult emotionally by the time she was 9.
Favorite quote from this book:
"I still fall prey to the imposter syndrome and to feelings of shame. But I resist THOSE feelings with everything I've got. After all, we need to put the shame where it belongs, with the abusers. There is no honour in silence.
After I left my marriage, a relative asked me, 'What is the point of winning awards and scholarships if you failed at the real purpose of being a woman?
But I had learned by then that it was important to me as a woman to define my own purpose.
My honour lies in my freedom to be me--unapologetically."
I am going to repeat that quote:
MY HONOUR LIES IN MY FREEDOM TO BE ME--UNAPOLOGETICALLY.
Highly recommend this book to any feminist, to any woman who has been emotionally or physically abused ever by a parent or partner. Very inspirational.
It is written very simply and this is my only criticism of the book (not a large one), but as the build up to her decision to leave the marriage took years in real life and felt like years reading it--I felt the tedium and "stuckness" of Samra keenly, the back and forth between her duties to herself and her children and her duties to her abusive husband, his awful parents, and her culture.
Highly recommend.
I think what I appreciated (not liked) best was the accurate description of emotional abuse--while she was physically shoved, hit, slapped, pinched, she wasn't truly "beaten" or "battered", but the abuse she suffered was as severe as if she had been.
I LOVED "Aisha", Samra's oldest daughter, she ROCKED and any time I smiled reading this was because of something "Aisha" did or said in response to seeing her mother being abused.
Aisha reminded me of my own amazing daughter--although thankfully my daughter (unlike Aisha) did not need to be a fully functioning adult emotionally by the time she was 9.
Favorite quote from this book:
"I still fall prey to the imposter syndrome and to feelings of shame. But I resist THOSE feelings with everything I've got. After all, we need to put the shame where it belongs, with the abusers. There is no honour in silence.
After I left my marriage, a relative asked me, 'What is the point of winning awards and scholarships if you failed at the real purpose of being a woman?
But I had learned by then that it was important to me as a woman to define my own purpose.
My honour lies in my freedom to be me--unapologetically."
I am going to repeat that quote:
MY HONOUR LIES IN MY FREEDOM TO BE ME--UNAPOLOGETICALLY.
Highly recommend this book to any feminist, to any woman who has been emotionally or physically abused ever by a parent or partner. Very inspirational.
April 14, 2019
I first read Samra Zafar's story in the pages of Toronto Life magazine (Feb 2017) and was impressed with her courage and resilience. She went on to win a National Magazine Award, but also to inspire other women to leave abusive partners. This in turn inspired her to write a memoir. A contender for Canada Read, the Washington Post is calling this one of the top 10 books to read in 2019.
I heard the author speak at the Art of Leadership for Women conference in Toronto (April 2019) and was again impressed, both by the author but also the power of sharing lived experience stories. Victims of domestic violence often feel so isolated and filled with shame, because they believe themselves to be at fault. Speaking up takes guts.
Samra was speaking in front of an audience of 2,000+ and telling her story. She shared how she wanted to work outside the home and ended up at Zellers, loving the job. There were many days when she would need to hide her bruises with make-up or strategic placement of her hijab. None of her coworkers ever questioned the marks or her quiet demeanor, not wanting to intrude on her privacy. Her husband eventually forbade her to ever go into work, so she simply stopped going and never formally resigned. It was another ten years before she left her husband.
There happened to be someone who had been in HR at Zellers at the time, in the audience. She apologized on behalf of the now defunct organization, but asked what might have been done differently in the workplace to support a woman such as herself. Samra was quick to say that posting information on bulletin boards, about domestic violence could have helped her understand. One example is The Power Wheel (a depiction of the cycle of abuse https://www.thehotline.org/2013/08/20...).
An engaging speaker and a powerful story.
I heard the author speak at the Art of Leadership for Women conference in Toronto (April 2019) and was again impressed, both by the author but also the power of sharing lived experience stories. Victims of domestic violence often feel so isolated and filled with shame, because they believe themselves to be at fault. Speaking up takes guts.
Samra was speaking in front of an audience of 2,000+ and telling her story. She shared how she wanted to work outside the home and ended up at Zellers, loving the job. There were many days when she would need to hide her bruises with make-up or strategic placement of her hijab. None of her coworkers ever questioned the marks or her quiet demeanor, not wanting to intrude on her privacy. Her husband eventually forbade her to ever go into work, so she simply stopped going and never formally resigned. It was another ten years before she left her husband.
There happened to be someone who had been in HR at Zellers at the time, in the audience. She apologized on behalf of the now defunct organization, but asked what might have been done differently in the workplace to support a woman such as herself. Samra was quick to say that posting information on bulletin boards, about domestic violence could have helped her understand. One example is The Power Wheel (a depiction of the cycle of abuse https://www.thehotline.org/2013/08/20...).
An engaging speaker and a powerful story.
May 7, 2019
This was an absolutely amazing read! I could not put the book down even for a second. I finished it in one sitting. The story hits home for me as Samra and I grew up in the same town and our dad's were friends. It reminded me of my own home during my high school years and the ridiculous amount of domestic abuse I was put through. It's so inspiring to see women make it so far while having so little. Samra is an awesome human being, and great author.
December 14, 2019
I applaud Ms. Zafar for having had the strength and determination to change her life, and the courage to tell her story. At several points while reading, I gave silent thanks for the accident of my birth having been in Canada. It is unthinkable to be so utterly helpless and controlled, to feel so worthless and expendable. What struck me particularly was Zafar’s mother-in-law. Her cruelty was exceptional... that a man can be selfish and abusive is no surprise, but that a woman could be so heartless and needy as to repeatedly betray and practically enslave her daughter-in-law leaves me without words. A very powerful message indeed.
As I said, I applaud Ms. Zafar’s commitment to educating other women around the world that we are not responsible for other people’s bad behaviour, that a woman’s worth is not determined by the whims of her husband. I would have given this one a 5-star review if it hadn’t gone on so loooong. I believe part of the message is lost when the points are belaboured almost to the point where I was beyond caring. That’s the opposite of Ms. Zafar’s intention.
As I said, I applaud Ms. Zafar’s commitment to educating other women around the world that we are not responsible for other people’s bad behaviour, that a woman’s worth is not determined by the whims of her husband. I would have given this one a 5-star review if it hadn’t gone on so loooong. I believe part of the message is lost when the points are belaboured almost to the point where I was beyond caring. That’s the opposite of Ms. Zafar’s intention.
March 23, 2019
An inspiring, emotional memoir about how a fight for education became an escape from an abusive relationship. I couldn’t put the book down because I was desperate to find out the rest of Samra’s story. And, I must confess, I had runaway tears streaming down my face as I read the book on the subway. No shame.
This book is great for woman of all ages, especially the younger ones. Through Samra’s story, you are exposed to multiple forms of abuse but also the importance of an education.
This book is great for woman of all ages, especially the younger ones. Through Samra’s story, you are exposed to multiple forms of abuse but also the importance of an education.
June 11, 2019
A very bravely written and remarkable memoir about one woman escaping an abusive arranged marriage and her persistence to become empowered through a university education. Zafar's story transcends cultural differences and shows the reader how abuse festers within family and pours down from generation to generation. This was a book that was very hard to put down and I kept cheering for Zafar as she progressed along her arduous journey.
July 21, 2020
R E V I E W |
~
"My husband taught me how not to treat people," I explained. "He showed me what I didn't want to become. In a way, he taught me how to be strong because he forced me to be strong. Because of what he put me through, what I had to rise above, I learned what I was capable of." - Samra Zafar.
~
It comes as no secret that this book speaks of domestic abuse. Perhaps this was why I even decided to purchase a copy. When one already knows how the story unfolds, it makes it harder for the book to impress the reader. You know that there's a considerable amount of harrasment, you can already predict how women are devalued in the story but the important part comes at the very end when the author talks about her escape. This is where you get to decide if you actually like the book or not. After reading When I Hit You, I was of the opinion that nothing can make me this uncomfortable but I was wrong. Samra Zafar's story is both horrendous but also courageous.
~
At the age of seventeen, Samra is married off to a man who's a decade older than her. Her dreams of going to the university was further promised by her husband's family and the prospect of being married so early weighed a little less on her mind. While Samra and her fiancé (Ahmed) exchanged emails before their wedding, his sweet demeanor put her at ease, making her believe that maybe love does exist in arranged marriages. The wedding happens quickly and Samra walks around in trepidation throughout the entire episode. Soon after the wedding, Samra notices slight changes in her husband's family but she shrugs it off as nothing.
~
After moving to Canada, the couple spend their earliest months in a happy daze and Samra decides she made the right decision by marrying Ahmed. But soon things take an ugly turn when his parents move in, stifling Samra with unrealistic expectations. Ahmed's behaviour too turns dark, often abusing her verbally for not being a good wife and a dutiful daughter-in-law. When she realises that they will not allow her to enrol in a university, the very foundation of their marriage is pulled out from underneath her feet.
~
Samra soon learns of her calls and emails being monitored but she hopes that with the birth of her daughter, things might turn around. Years later, with two girls in tow, Samra still lives in the same hellhole where things had only gotten worse with time. By this time, Ahmed had often began hitting her and in spite of her parents being aware of the abuse, she was asked to please him more. Fed up with having to depend on her family, she decides to leave her husband, the seriousness of the situation dawning on her after he nearly chokes her. She saves money by opening a day care center post luring her mother-in-law and joins classes. It is here that Samra realises the value that a degree carries and finally breaks free after getting multiple jobs. With two kids to tend to, various jobs and classes to attend, Samra turns her life around. Her journey was tedious which sent her crashing down many times but her perseverance kept her going. With the support of friends and her mother, Samra divorces Ahmed while bagging a high paying job.
~
Undoubtedly, there are many women like Samra who are confined to their houses, without being provided education and freedom but only few women find the strength to break the chains. It's sickening how women have been conditioned to remain weak in the name of culture and religion. Samra's story is not only true but also goes to show how the urge to taste freedom imbibes a sense of individuality amongst women. I highly recommend this. A brilliant, unputdownable read.
~
Rating - 5/5.
~
"My husband taught me how not to treat people," I explained. "He showed me what I didn't want to become. In a way, he taught me how to be strong because he forced me to be strong. Because of what he put me through, what I had to rise above, I learned what I was capable of." - Samra Zafar.
~
It comes as no secret that this book speaks of domestic abuse. Perhaps this was why I even decided to purchase a copy. When one already knows how the story unfolds, it makes it harder for the book to impress the reader. You know that there's a considerable amount of harrasment, you can already predict how women are devalued in the story but the important part comes at the very end when the author talks about her escape. This is where you get to decide if you actually like the book or not. After reading When I Hit You, I was of the opinion that nothing can make me this uncomfortable but I was wrong. Samra Zafar's story is both horrendous but also courageous.
~
At the age of seventeen, Samra is married off to a man who's a decade older than her. Her dreams of going to the university was further promised by her husband's family and the prospect of being married so early weighed a little less on her mind. While Samra and her fiancé (Ahmed) exchanged emails before their wedding, his sweet demeanor put her at ease, making her believe that maybe love does exist in arranged marriages. The wedding happens quickly and Samra walks around in trepidation throughout the entire episode. Soon after the wedding, Samra notices slight changes in her husband's family but she shrugs it off as nothing.
~
After moving to Canada, the couple spend their earliest months in a happy daze and Samra decides she made the right decision by marrying Ahmed. But soon things take an ugly turn when his parents move in, stifling Samra with unrealistic expectations. Ahmed's behaviour too turns dark, often abusing her verbally for not being a good wife and a dutiful daughter-in-law. When she realises that they will not allow her to enrol in a university, the very foundation of their marriage is pulled out from underneath her feet.
~
Samra soon learns of her calls and emails being monitored but she hopes that with the birth of her daughter, things might turn around. Years later, with two girls in tow, Samra still lives in the same hellhole where things had only gotten worse with time. By this time, Ahmed had often began hitting her and in spite of her parents being aware of the abuse, she was asked to please him more. Fed up with having to depend on her family, she decides to leave her husband, the seriousness of the situation dawning on her after he nearly chokes her. She saves money by opening a day care center post luring her mother-in-law and joins classes. It is here that Samra realises the value that a degree carries and finally breaks free after getting multiple jobs. With two kids to tend to, various jobs and classes to attend, Samra turns her life around. Her journey was tedious which sent her crashing down many times but her perseverance kept her going. With the support of friends and her mother, Samra divorces Ahmed while bagging a high paying job.
~
Undoubtedly, there are many women like Samra who are confined to their houses, without being provided education and freedom but only few women find the strength to break the chains. It's sickening how women have been conditioned to remain weak in the name of culture and religion. Samra's story is not only true but also goes to show how the urge to taste freedom imbibes a sense of individuality amongst women. I highly recommend this. A brilliant, unputdownable read.
~
Rating - 5/5.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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April 26, 2020What an amazing, inspiring, incredible story of bravery and grit. And what a special person. Wow.
August 1, 2019
A huge decision is made for 16-year-old teenager Samra by her parents. They have chosen a man for her to marry that is 11 years her senior and she is very concerned that her wishes to go to university and find her independence will be dashed. She reluctantly agrees to go ahead with the marriage and finds herself in a stifling situation, with a very critical mother-in-law and father-in-law that hold her back from doing anything she wishes to do, and isolate her. Her husband is loving at the start of their relationship, but changes whenever Samra's in-laws are around. It is obvious that his mother in particular exerts great influence on her son, which causes Ahmed (her husband) to become easily frustrated, stressed and verbally abusive to Samra.
Spousal abuse happens in all cultures, and sometimes abuse is much worse than what Samra experiences in her own marriage at the start. It was disturbing to see how her husband always sided with his parents first, and his wife would always come second. I found that Samra was emotionally immature at times; but we must remember that she is only a teenager, and has had to grow up so quickly. She ends up giving birth to her first child at age 18. She does a lot of complaining about her lack of freedom, but eventually is able to make some positive changes to remedy this to a certain degree. The constant criticism, emotional and psychological abuse from her in-laws and husband cause her great stress and her self-confidence is destroyed. Thankfully Samra is strong-willed and doesn't give up easily. She finds ways to earn her own income, go to university and obtains counselling.
Her husband is frightening at times, and then at other times he is sweet, kind and thoughtful to her. She starts to understand the pattern of abuse, and realizes she can do something about it. I admired her tenacity, resilience and courage, and also her ability to take university courses, raise two children, run her own business, and keep up with other expectations put upon her.
This is a very well written, amazing story of one woman's courage and determination to follow her dreams to become well educated despite the marital situation she found herself trapped in. A very worthwhile read!
Spousal abuse happens in all cultures, and sometimes abuse is much worse than what Samra experiences in her own marriage at the start. It was disturbing to see how her husband always sided with his parents first, and his wife would always come second. I found that Samra was emotionally immature at times; but we must remember that she is only a teenager, and has had to grow up so quickly. She ends up giving birth to her first child at age 18. She does a lot of complaining about her lack of freedom, but eventually is able to make some positive changes to remedy this to a certain degree. The constant criticism, emotional and psychological abuse from her in-laws and husband cause her great stress and her self-confidence is destroyed. Thankfully Samra is strong-willed and doesn't give up easily. She finds ways to earn her own income, go to university and obtains counselling.
Her husband is frightening at times, and then at other times he is sweet, kind and thoughtful to her. She starts to understand the pattern of abuse, and realizes she can do something about it. I admired her tenacity, resilience and courage, and also her ability to take university courses, raise two children, run her own business, and keep up with other expectations put upon her.
This is a very well written, amazing story of one woman's courage and determination to follow her dreams to become well educated despite the marital situation she found herself trapped in. A very worthwhile read!
August 25, 2019
A harrowing yet inspirational memoir of Samra Zafar, who at 17 immigrated to Canada as a teenage bride in an arranged marriage. Due to cultural expectations and practices, and the promise by her future husband that she will be allowed to further her studies in any universities in Canada, Samra finally acquiesced to her parents' wishes for the marriage. However, her dreams and hopes were shattered when the marriage turned abusive and she is living in constant fear - fear of her husband or leaving him due to the social stigma of divorced Muslim single mothers. So, for years she endured the abuse, both physically and mentally, but finally one day she garnered enough courage to leave her husband and built a life for both her kids and herself by completing her university education.
Samra's journey to total freedom is paid at such a high price. She risked everything to ensure that her daughters do not have to make the choice she did. Although Samra's story is a heartbreaking one, it is truly a story of courage and resilience. The abuse she endured not only from her husband but also from her in-laws were unimaginable. They systematically built a prison in her world, leaving her feeling isolated, helpless and hopeless.
This is a beautifully written memoir with so much honesty. She gives an in-depth perspective of what it looks or feels like to be trapped in an abusive marriage, and how our own cultural expectations could enslave us. I highly recommend this memoir to everyone. It is inspirational and encouraging read!
P/S: During her interview for the John H. Moss Scholarship, she was asked who is the person who has taught her the most , and most influential? This was her reply:
"My husband," I said. My husband taught me how not to treat people," I explained. "He showed me what I didn't want to become. In a way, he taught me how to be strong because he forced me to be strong. Because of what he put me through, what I had to rise above, I learned what I was capable of."
Samra's journey to total freedom is paid at such a high price. She risked everything to ensure that her daughters do not have to make the choice she did. Although Samra's story is a heartbreaking one, it is truly a story of courage and resilience. The abuse she endured not only from her husband but also from her in-laws were unimaginable. They systematically built a prison in her world, leaving her feeling isolated, helpless and hopeless.
This is a beautifully written memoir with so much honesty. She gives an in-depth perspective of what it looks or feels like to be trapped in an abusive marriage, and how our own cultural expectations could enslave us. I highly recommend this memoir to everyone. It is inspirational and encouraging read!
P/S: During her interview for the John H. Moss Scholarship, she was asked who is the person who has taught her the most , and most influential? This was her reply:
"My husband," I said. My husband taught me how not to treat people," I explained. "He showed me what I didn't want to become. In a way, he taught me how to be strong because he forced me to be strong. Because of what he put me through, what I had to rise above, I learned what I was capable of."
February 10, 2020
This book is simply awful. I’m forcing myself to keep reading it but at two-thirds of the way through I don’t think I can go on. I keep thinking that she’ll finally leave her horribly abusive husband but she keeps going back to him, over and over again, with absolutely no inner reflection on why she thinks he’ll get better or her situation will miraculously improve. She doesn’t reflect on or answer the most basic of questions for the reader, such as, is this type of excessively abusive treatment the norm in Pakistani culture or is her husband especially abusive, or perhaps, mentally unstable? (I mean, obviously I know about Muslim culture and its terrible treatment of women but some analysis of how common wife abuse in her world is would go a long way to making this book at least interesting.) Is the pressure from her husband’s hideously controlling parents so severe that he can’t think for himself and if so, can we at least have some psychological analysis on brainwashing/control of parents on their children? Or at least, can’t the author speculate on what she thinks is going with with her husband and why he’s so different when his parents are around? Can the author at least talk about how religion plays into this or her thoughts on the treatment of women in Muslim societies? There is not a well-written book. There’s no self-awareness or analysis. It’s one-dimensional. It’s just one gruesome episode after the next, like being hit over the heard continually, with no hope that it will end. Why would anyone even finish this book other than to find out that she finally understands that this monster isn’t going to improve and she escapes him? I can’t remember when I’ve hated a book so much. Talk about a frustrating read.
December 4, 2019
".. the fear of isolation can be positively debilitation. After all, we are in this world for connection. As human beings, that is our basic need."
In this memoir Samra eloquently shares with readers some of the most pivotal moments of her young adulthood. Samra doesn't shy away from sharing how her childhood and innocence was robbed from her due to circumstantial and cultural reasons. Her words are powerful as you read through the pages and try to understand the complexities of her story. Reading through her story I am both captivated by her strength and heartbroken by the tragedies she faced, particularly the verbal abuse - I cannot imagine what power those words can have towards a young woman, particularly in a society where women are oftentimes not deemed worthy. Although I am sure there is a lot Samra may not have been able to share with us, I am happy for how far she has gotten. It was encouraging to read about the support she received at UTM and how that played a role in the formidable force she is today.
In the end, I cannot entirely understand because it is her story, her experience, though I marvel at her strength and perseverance with the cards she was dealt in this game of life. This was an inspiring read for more than one reason, and it is easy to believe that through sharing her story Samra has helped many.
In this memoir Samra eloquently shares with readers some of the most pivotal moments of her young adulthood. Samra doesn't shy away from sharing how her childhood and innocence was robbed from her due to circumstantial and cultural reasons. Her words are powerful as you read through the pages and try to understand the complexities of her story. Reading through her story I am both captivated by her strength and heartbroken by the tragedies she faced, particularly the verbal abuse - I cannot imagine what power those words can have towards a young woman, particularly in a society where women are oftentimes not deemed worthy. Although I am sure there is a lot Samra may not have been able to share with us, I am happy for how far she has gotten. It was encouraging to read about the support she received at UTM and how that played a role in the formidable force she is today.
In the end, I cannot entirely understand because it is her story, her experience, though I marvel at her strength and perseverance with the cards she was dealt in this game of life. This was an inspiring read for more than one reason, and it is easy to believe that through sharing her story Samra has helped many.
April 21, 2021
Being a constant witness to the unfolding socio-political saga of north Indian planes, my reading of Devesh Verma’s novel “The Politician” brought lived past as a present when I studied at Allahabad University – a political nerve centre of North Indian polity. While reading, I was literally carried away by the narrative that delves deeper into provincial North India’s social restlessness under the semblance of developmentalism presided by the dynastic politics manoeuvred by the Nehru family. Hanging between unbounded aspirations fuelled by assertions of idealist political leadership and the reality constrained by feudal-bureaucratic nexus, there was no easy way out for provincial youth to fulfil simple dreams of a normal decent life.
Caught between unbounded aspirations fuelled by euphoria of independence and the stagnating reality, the lead character of novel, Ram Mohan’s journey from a small village to power corridors symbolizes India’s inability to sort-out age-old socio-economic polarization. Confronted with the shattering of the real world, a new generation born around the county's independence tried its way to success through a crime-infested world of politics. Walking down this narrow political escape route, the author has beautifully captured ebb and flow of life in the provincial hinterland.
Caught between unbounded aspirations fuelled by euphoria of independence and the stagnating reality, the lead character of novel, Ram Mohan’s journey from a small village to power corridors symbolizes India’s inability to sort-out age-old socio-economic polarization. Confronted with the shattering of the real world, a new generation born around the county's independence tried its way to success through a crime-infested world of politics. Walking down this narrow political escape route, the author has beautifully captured ebb and flow of life in the provincial hinterland.
July 29, 2022
Into political drama fictions ? This is a book that may interest you.
The Politician by author Devesh Verma published by Penguin India is such a novel that will keep you glued till the end.
Though I am not much into political dramas but still it did engage my attention.
Ram Mohan comes from Kurmi community. Despite his origin he has high ambitions. He has skills of a demagogue. With that he captures peoples heart but soon it strikes to him to fulfill his goals only two positions can help him become what he wants . One being a bureaucrate the other being a politician. In Between this we get to know about his childhood to where he reaches in his life. The plot is set in nehruvian era and flows till the seventies. So we get an insight into the then present scenario of the socio-political affairs of the country.
This novel speaks of how politics can be so twisted , politicians playing games and applying malpractices to climb the ladder by hook or crook and sone parts also show the caste system prevalence.
What happens when power climbs on your head and starts ruling your vision? Is it the answer of all ones needs in life ?
Some questions are kept unanswered in the end so there we can expect a sequel may be.
Do check this book out and see if you enjoy it.
The Politician by author Devesh Verma published by Penguin India is such a novel that will keep you glued till the end.
Though I am not much into political dramas but still it did engage my attention.
Ram Mohan comes from Kurmi community. Despite his origin he has high ambitions. He has skills of a demagogue. With that he captures peoples heart but soon it strikes to him to fulfill his goals only two positions can help him become what he wants . One being a bureaucrate the other being a politician. In Between this we get to know about his childhood to where he reaches in his life. The plot is set in nehruvian era and flows till the seventies. So we get an insight into the then present scenario of the socio-political affairs of the country.
This novel speaks of how politics can be so twisted , politicians playing games and applying malpractices to climb the ladder by hook or crook and sone parts also show the caste system prevalence.
What happens when power climbs on your head and starts ruling your vision? Is it the answer of all ones needs in life ?
Some questions are kept unanswered in the end so there we can expect a sequel may be.
Do check this book out and see if you enjoy it.
July 18, 2022
Set up in the Northern India, the book narrates the story of Ram Mohan.
Ram Mohan was an ambitious man and wanted to become a Politician just because he wanted the Power which came with the position.
He was determined to climb up the bureaucratic ladder by hook or by crook. We get to see the journey of Ram from his Childhood to his political career.
The storyline is set up in the early seventies and gives us the picture of the politics of a newly independent India. The characterisation is perfect and I enjoyed their flawed personalities.
Honestly, I enjoyed reading the book. It was more of a thriller with some amazing twists and turns. Though the factuality was somewhat boring for me.
I would recommend this book to people who enjoy political content in books.
Ram Mohan was an ambitious man and wanted to become a Politician just because he wanted the Power which came with the position.
He was determined to climb up the bureaucratic ladder by hook or by crook. We get to see the journey of Ram from his Childhood to his political career.
The storyline is set up in the early seventies and gives us the picture of the politics of a newly independent India. The characterisation is perfect and I enjoyed their flawed personalities.
Honestly, I enjoyed reading the book. It was more of a thriller with some amazing twists and turns. Though the factuality was somewhat boring for me.
I would recommend this book to people who enjoy political content in books.
April 11, 2019
One of the most deeply inspiring books I have ever read. Samra's courage to tell her story is incredible. A read for everyone.
April 11, 2024
4.25 🌟
While an important story to tell, I found it difficult to read. I kept shouting at young Samra through the pages to leave her terrible abusive husband and just wanted life to get better for her! I know this is a story more common than we think or want it to be, but Samra definitely suffered from flawed cultural conditioning. I think I honestly enjoyed reading the epilogue the most to see what she's made of her life since finally finding freedom from her abusive marriage. I especially love her quote "I'm committed to letting my past make me better, not bitter". What a courageous young woman who continues to inspire other women.
Hard to read, but an important story. Now on to lighter books...
While an important story to tell, I found it difficult to read. I kept shouting at young Samra through the pages to leave her terrible abusive husband and just wanted life to get better for her! I know this is a story more common than we think or want it to be, but Samra definitely suffered from flawed cultural conditioning. I think I honestly enjoyed reading the epilogue the most to see what she's made of her life since finally finding freedom from her abusive marriage. I especially love her quote "I'm committed to letting my past make me better, not bitter". What a courageous young woman who continues to inspire other women.
Hard to read, but an important story. Now on to lighter books...
February 26, 2022
Wow. 4 1/2 stars. Writing is not uber impressive but definitely a compelling read
May 2, 2020
I don't know what made this book impact me the way it did, it could have been the impeccable writing or the fact that the majority of the story took place in my hometown of Mississauga. Either way, Samra Zafar's story is inspiring and empowering, I only hope that reading it can help those suffering from similar circumstances escape and start life afresh. A lovely and, at times, terrifying read.
June 15, 2020
This book & Samra's story is such an important one portraying abusive relationships, as well as the dangers of strict (religious) traditions, such as arranged marriages. While reading it, you manage to live through that suffocating feeling of being trapped & at times, it even sounds like something out of a horror movie. The most terrifying thing about it though, is the fact that this is a true story. Not only of this one woman, but of so many other people who are stuck in abusive relationships.
To me personally, it once again underlined the negative sides of hyper-religious beliefs and what the harmful effects of those are. Dictating to women that they're only worthy when they "build" a family, become a wife & have children; painting divorce as a complete taboo, preaching that education is a thing destined for men, that women don't have a right to their own voice, instead of speaking up they're supposed to stay silent and obedient. Additionally to that, Samra's tale makes you understand your privilege and to include it in the list of things to be thankful for on a daily basis. Of having the freedom of choice for your education, your partners, whether you want to get married or have children and for being able to define the path of your life completely out of your own free will.
There was one question that stayed open for me after reading though, since it wasn't elaborated in the book. Samra had 3 other sisters, none of whom got forced into an arranged marriage. Was she the one who had to suffer through it, because she was the oldest one? Or was it her drive to go to university & her parents thinking that this man she was getting married off to would surely be able to provide it for her (since him & his family promised it)? Was it the hope of a better life for her if she were to move to Canada instead of staying in Pakistan or the UAE? It also left me wondering whether she blames her parents for putting her through such a catastrophic marriage, making the decision for her at an age where she wasn't in the head space to be able to insist on her own opinion.
In the epilogue, I completely agree with Samra's recap of what can be done to shape the future for young people:
Why just 4 out of 5 stars? I thought that the story itself is incredibly valuable, as well as it is extremely brave for the author to have told it so openly & with so much honesty. What I was missing was something more special from the side of the writing, which is understandable in the circumstances. The most important point for Samra was to bring her story across to a broader public, which was done with a co-writer. This doesn't make it any less enjoyable though (besides a couple of typos in the text that have slipped through the editing process & made it into the published version of the book), it simply personally doesn't fill out the 5 out of 5 star range for me.
I would strongly suggest this book to people who are curious about non-European traditions, to be able to dive into foreign family structures, to understand interdependencies among family members in different cultures from ones own, as well as to experience a heart-felt & extremely personal tale of the victim's side of abusive relationships.
To me personally, it once again underlined the negative sides of hyper-religious beliefs and what the harmful effects of those are. Dictating to women that they're only worthy when they "build" a family, become a wife & have children; painting divorce as a complete taboo, preaching that education is a thing destined for men, that women don't have a right to their own voice, instead of speaking up they're supposed to stay silent and obedient. Additionally to that, Samra's tale makes you understand your privilege and to include it in the list of things to be thankful for on a daily basis. Of having the freedom of choice for your education, your partners, whether you want to get married or have children and for being able to define the path of your life completely out of your own free will.
There was one question that stayed open for me after reading though, since it wasn't elaborated in the book. Samra had 3 other sisters, none of whom got forced into an arranged marriage. Was she the one who had to suffer through it, because she was the oldest one? Or was it her drive to go to university & her parents thinking that this man she was getting married off to would surely be able to provide it for her (since him & his family promised it)? Was it the hope of a better life for her if she were to move to Canada instead of staying in Pakistan or the UAE? It also left me wondering whether she blames her parents for putting her through such a catastrophic marriage, making the decision for her at an age where she wasn't in the head space to be able to insist on her own opinion.
In the epilogue, I completely agree with Samra's recap of what can be done to shape the future for young people:
"But what can we do to prevent abuse before it starts? I believe the answer lies in education, providing everyone with a knowledge of what abuse looks like and how one can find oneself in an abusive relationship. We also need to teach people how to prevent themselves or loved ones from becoming victims. This means teaching our children that they are worthy of love, respect and belonging. It means educating them about healthy relationships, healthy boundaries, early signs of abusive behaviours and tendencies." (p. 330)
Why just 4 out of 5 stars? I thought that the story itself is incredibly valuable, as well as it is extremely brave for the author to have told it so openly & with so much honesty. What I was missing was something more special from the side of the writing, which is understandable in the circumstances. The most important point for Samra was to bring her story across to a broader public, which was done with a co-writer. This doesn't make it any less enjoyable though (besides a couple of typos in the text that have slipped through the editing process & made it into the published version of the book), it simply personally doesn't fill out the 5 out of 5 star range for me.
I would strongly suggest this book to people who are curious about non-European traditions, to be able to dive into foreign family structures, to understand interdependencies among family members in different cultures from ones own, as well as to experience a heart-felt & extremely personal tale of the victim's side of abusive relationships.
April 8, 2020
I’m blown away by Samra’s story of resilience, strength and courage. It was really moving and had me in tears. From the start, it was interesting to learn about the culture and paradigms of societies that still have arranged marriages. I really felt connected with her as I read through these times and saw glimpses of her breaking through. The amount of hurdles (financially, family support, abuse, etc) she had to pass to get to where she is today is still so much to take in.
Her epilogue was amazing - after addressing her own personal story, she discussed the greater issues and themes at large and what this has truly meant. Her story has left me inspired and grateful.
Her epilogue was amazing - after addressing her own personal story, she discussed the greater issues and themes at large and what this has truly meant. Her story has left me inspired and grateful.
April 3, 2021
The moment I set eyes on The Politician I was bowled over by its cover. It’s stunning. Penguin Random House has produced the book really well. But I cannot help being disappointed at the callousness with which Amazon is treating it. First, it’s not a Paperback as is proclaimed by Amazon. It’s a beautifully bound Hardback edition. Second, I wonder what made Amazon add the subtitle, “Escaping the Life I never Chose”, to the book that has nothing to do with it. I am intrigued at this nonsensical addition. I have just finished the book, and what a ride it has been! Peopled with captivating but believable characters, The Politician is an engrossing read. It’s fast-paced and has a plot that never slackens, that is to say, it remains taut all through. It has violence, sex, all kinds of conflicts and their resolutions one way or another, all of which the author has handled so well. Its chief protagonist Ram Mohan is an enterprising, ambitious and forceful guy who employs everything in his armour to get what he wants, and he wants a lot. He wants social and political power, his libido knows no bounds, he is a Hindi scholar of repute, he is an enthralling public speaker and so forth. There’s hardly any dull moment in the novel; each of its characters is interesting in his or her own way, very interesting. But some are more interesting than others. Shukla ji, for instance, who drools over very young dance girls. He has a sidekick in the person of Liyaqat Argali who helps him to them. Then there’s Dixit ji, an old politician who can’t have enough of girls who are decades younger than him, but he is so well educated and so civilized that he cannot think of having a girl without first obtaining her consent. Gayatri, another remarkable character, who, while telling Ram Mohan’s wife and Deena’s mother Kanti about her amorous liaison with Dixit ji, announces at one point, to defend her conduct, “At the end of the day what matters isn’t the age of your partner, Didi, but the way he treats you.” I mean there’s so much in the book to reflect on! Without further ado, I will highly recommend The Politician to anyone who loves a good story rather a story that has so much else besides being just a good story. Go for it!
April 3, 2021
The novel contrary to its title is not a story of a charismatic personality rather it evolves around endeavour of a person of some tact who wants his share in power hierarchy. After the independence India adopted democratic political system which raised the aspirations of those people also who were at the periphery till then.Main character of 'The politician' Ram Mohan does not have any definite goal.He just aspires to establish himself in a position to be reckoned with. Flatly this is the story of the novel. Plot of the novel neither astonishes the reader nor raises his curiosity to see the climax of the story . But certainly there are some elements here which attract the reader to go through the novel till the end. Quest of self identity and urge to be identified is phenomenon not uncommon among the people who have some stuff in them. They are being represented by Ram Mohan. His success and failure. His temper and temperament and his despair and optimism all connect the reader with' The Politician '.Besides that socio political structure of India which is based on caste system is tangible here with all its complexities. What makes the novel worth readable is the presentation of events and facts. The author's experiences and imaginations have seemingly helped him penetrate into the core of political and social arena of Hindi heart land. The plot is crafted in such a way that all events happen in a natural way. This skill of the author resembles with that of Leo Tolstoy to some extent. One more point which is noticeable is the approach of of the novelist. Evidently he is above any predejuces and ideological bias. This very characteristic makes the novel more versatile for the readers. Like the plot language of the novel is lucid. For it means the purpose which is to communicate and come closer to the reader. The author treats with the reader like friends and close acquaintances. These are some unique characteristics of novel 'The Politician' which make it an interesting piece of literature. It has certainly some food for thought and some content of creativity. If you have not noticed this novel as yet you may be missing something new.
August 31, 2019
When I began reading this memoir, I did not know much about child brides, arranged marriages in Pakistan, or about the culture described in the book. I had seen women dressed to show their cultural background while walking the streets in Toronto, but had never really thought about the life they may lead behind closed doors. This memoir was an eye-opener for me. Zafar exposes not only her own experience and the loss of her dreams and innocence, but also the experience of so many women who have been encouraged into arranged marriages from a young age.
A Good Wife describes the changes Zafar experienced in her life: that from a young, independent child; to a sixteen year old who is married to a man older than her who lives across the world in another country; to a married woman living in a foreign country far from the support of her family; to the fight she took on to realise her dreams. While reading the memoir, I could not help but admire how she overcame all her obstacles. Her story is definitely an inspiration to all women – no matter what culture they are.
The memoir is extremely well-written and at no time was I bored with the story. In fact, I could not put it down and my interest was kept throughout. I felt pain when she described hurtful moments; and cheered when she worked at overcoming the obstacles to her dreams. As I completed the memoir, I could not help but feel a huge amount of respect for this woman who went against cultural expectations to be the woman she has become today.
If you enjoy reading memoirs, this is one you need to read. If you wish to find out more about the experience of child brides within this cultural context, this is a book that will add to your knowledge. If you wish to understand more of the culture of the Muslim community from Pakistan, this life story will add to your understanding. A Good Wife is a book that resonated with me and is one that I will think about for a long time.
A Good Wife describes the changes Zafar experienced in her life: that from a young, independent child; to a sixteen year old who is married to a man older than her who lives across the world in another country; to a married woman living in a foreign country far from the support of her family; to the fight she took on to realise her dreams. While reading the memoir, I could not help but admire how she overcame all her obstacles. Her story is definitely an inspiration to all women – no matter what culture they are.
The memoir is extremely well-written and at no time was I bored with the story. In fact, I could not put it down and my interest was kept throughout. I felt pain when she described hurtful moments; and cheered when she worked at overcoming the obstacles to her dreams. As I completed the memoir, I could not help but feel a huge amount of respect for this woman who went against cultural expectations to be the woman she has become today.
If you enjoy reading memoirs, this is one you need to read. If you wish to find out more about the experience of child brides within this cultural context, this is a book that will add to your knowledge. If you wish to understand more of the culture of the Muslim community from Pakistan, this life story will add to your understanding. A Good Wife is a book that resonated with me and is one that I will think about for a long time.
July 25, 2019
I'm sort of embarrassed to admit that I had heard about this book and felt a little dismissive, partly because it was so "popular" (that was snobby) and partly because it would most likely be difficult to read. Then I realized that I should freaking well make myself read it, because reading it wouldn't be a millionth as difficult as living it, and having a reminder that this kind of thing still goes on far too often is no bad thing. It is hard to read, of course - you go from being gutted with sadness to shaking with anger, all while reading breathlessly to see how she did "escape". She writes so insightfully and intelligently about how she became trapped in a horrible situation, even coming from a progressive family. It's a wonderful, important book, and I'm glad I got over myself enough to read it.
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