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That Went Well: Adventures in Caring for My Sister
Meet Terrell Dougan's sister, Irene: a woman in her sixties who still believes in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny--but who also enjoys playing those characters for the children at the local hospital; whose favorite outfit, which she'll sneak into whenever Terrell's back is turned, consists of Mickey Mouse kneesocks and shorts; who wins over the neighborhood kids by hosting two fire trucks at her lemonade stand; whose fridge bears a magnet: NORMAL PEOPLE WORRY ME. When Irene was born, her parents were advised to institutionalize her. They refused and instead became trailblazers in advocating for the rights of people with mental disabilities. The entire family benefited, with a life rich in stress, sorrows, hilarity, joy, and overwhelming kindness from strangers. Terrell has found that the only way to get through the difficult moments is to laugh--even in the most trying of times. In her moving, funny, and unforgettable memoir about life with Irene, Terrell Dougan shows that love, humor, and compassion are enough to heal us, every single day.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2009
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437 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 145 reviews
March 9, 2009
This was a humorous, usually heartwarming and sometimes heartbreaking book about a difficult subject. Terrell’s sister, Irene, suffered brain damage at birth and would forever be a child in heart and mind. After the death of her parents Terrell became primary caretaker for her sister. This book not only describes her trials and tribulations in that role, and the effect it had on her everyday life, but emphasizes that sometimes necessity is truly the mother of invention. Her family was the first driving force in Utah for establishing any kind of social support system for people with mental disabilities other than institutionalized care. The system did not always work for her sister, but than only spurred her into action for developing some sort of independent living situation that would work for Irene. Ms. Dougan is an amazing woman, who was also one of the pioneers behind the Sundance Film Festival.
There are two major things I took away from this book, one – I do not think I could handle a similar situation with the fortitude, grace and humor that Ms. Dougan did and, two – as Ms. Dougan so often points out, sometimes those we perceive as being challenged have a lot to teach those of us perceived as “normal”.
There are two major things I took away from this book, one – I do not think I could handle a similar situation with the fortitude, grace and humor that Ms. Dougan did and, two – as Ms. Dougan so often points out, sometimes those we perceive as being challenged have a lot to teach those of us perceived as “normal”.
September 15, 2017
**please be aware that my copy of the book is an advanced release**
I absolutely adored this book. This book deals with the author's account of her life with her disabled sister, Irene, at a time when people described as "different" were shut away in institutions. This story spans decades, discussing the legislation changes for people with disabilities, the author's life, and her struggles with her sister.
This book will make you laugh and cry. The author's descriptions of the changing times and her own crusade for equality show the love and compassions she had for not only her sister, but for others. She definitely does not sugar-coat anything. Very real. Very enjoyable.
I absolutely adored this book. This book deals with the author's account of her life with her disabled sister, Irene, at a time when people described as "different" were shut away in institutions. This story spans decades, discussing the legislation changes for people with disabilities, the author's life, and her struggles with her sister.
This book will make you laugh and cry. The author's descriptions of the changing times and her own crusade for equality show the love and compassions she had for not only her sister, but for others. She definitely does not sugar-coat anything. Very real. Very enjoyable.
April 24, 2009
Terrell Harris never expected that the beautiful baby sister born on that stormy March day would be different from the other children in the neighborhood, but as she ducks a flying chicken thrown at her by her sister in the supermarket isle many years later, she reflects back on her life with Irene by her side. As youngsters, the girls' parents struggled to give them the most joyful life possible. For Terrell, that meant going to the theater, taking horseback riding lessons and learning to ice skate. For Irene, things weren't that simple. Functioning at the mental level of a three year old, Irene grows up throwing dangerous tantrums and is unable to learn to read or write. Her disability forces her personality into disarray and she is in constant need of attention and affection. All the while, her loving family strives to give her the least restrictive and most fulfilling life possible, knowing that to do otherwise would be a grave disservice to the little girl who touches so many lives in the community and at home. Advised to institutionalize Irene, both her parents refuse and begin the long fight to create agencies and programs for the handicapped in their community. Their desire is to create a safe place for people like Irene to go to school, have friends and adjust to the rigors of normal life. Working tirelessly, they spearhead campaigns, speak to governors and senators and fight against the state for control of their daughter's future. In the process, they meet other parents who are going through the same situations with their handicapped children.
As their parents begin to age, Terrell steps into their shoes and begins to selflessly devote herself to giving her sister a normal life. But Irene can be stubborn, and sometimes doesn't want the things that her family wants for her. And so begins the struggle between the sisters, for each has their own interpretations of the ideal life for Irene. But this is not a sorrowful story, for Irene is a natural comedian and loves to endlessly thwart those around her. Whether she is inviting the firemen over to partake of her lemonade stand, holding a secret garage sale, or stealing the show by announcing for the seventeenth time this month that it is her birthday, Irene remains engaged and engaging. She is inspired, confident and headstrong, and by some strange turn of events, she teaches those around her to live with meaning and substance, proving time and time again that one can never underestimate those who we think are different.
I have to say that this is by far the best memoir I have read over the past two years. The courage and tenacity of Terrell and her family's reaction to Irene's handicap stunned and moved me. I can't imagine being as brave as these people were, and the fact that they fought to such extremes is both impressive and inspiring to say the least. Terrell makes no bones about how difficult it can be to look after Irene, and her uncompromising honesty is the glue that holds this book together. To me, Irene sounds like a card, and I laughed with glee at her antics and behaviors. I especially like her adamant refusal to change her Mickey Mouse socks, even when going to a formal event, or her sly attempts at sneaking junk food whenever she can get her hands on it. But underneath all that, there must have been some really frightening times for this family. I think back to the time when she was lost somewhere in the bus terminal, and her family didn't know if she was on a bus halfway across the country or just hidden in a bathroom playing with her dolls. I think about the times when her tantrums cause her to injure herself, or when she is violent with other people, and I marvel at the fortitude that her family shows when the unthinkable becomes the everyday.
Terrell goes on to explain that her husband and children all look after Irene with the same love and attention that she has demonstrated, and that, too, warms my heart. It was angering to see how little support was given to the families of handicapped children at that time in the United States. It seems that everyone thought the best thing to do was to lock them up and forget about them, and changing this was an uphill struggle all the way. But the Harris family had other solutions. Using behavior modification, they manage to get Irene to comply with many things and they strive continuously to improve the quality of her life with new and inventive methods that others had never even thought of.
Another wonderful thing about this book was the strong undercurrent of feeling running through it. Whether Terrell was tired, frustrated, elated or dejected, she never spared her truth and forthrightness, and that was something that elevated this book in to the must-read category. This is not a woman who sits around feeling sorry for herself, this is a woman who sees the path she is on,and marches straight downit with a resolute strength that many would not have. Although Irene is a handful, and sometimes her life seems a never-ending set of trials, Terrell maintains her plucky attitude and stays the course. Did I mention that in the intervening time she has made a name for herself with a weekly newspaper column? Well she has, along with raising a family, helping her parents, and lobbying for the mentally handicapped. Terrell also has an extremely humorous presence on the page, at times laugh out loud funny and at times quietly amusing. She seems to have the gift of portraying everything with just the right touch of levity. This book was written both cleverly and deeply, and there were times I wanted to laugh as well as cry.
Please don't just take my word for it, go out and get this book and see for yourself! As I have said before, it is a must read in the category of memoirs, and I would highly recommend it to all types of readers. The story told within these pages is an honest and awe inspiring tale of one family's love for each other, and it was such a pleasure to read. One day I hope to get a chance to tell the author of this book how much this story touched me, and how wonderful I think she and Irene really are. A stellar read.
As their parents begin to age, Terrell steps into their shoes and begins to selflessly devote herself to giving her sister a normal life. But Irene can be stubborn, and sometimes doesn't want the things that her family wants for her. And so begins the struggle between the sisters, for each has their own interpretations of the ideal life for Irene. But this is not a sorrowful story, for Irene is a natural comedian and loves to endlessly thwart those around her. Whether she is inviting the firemen over to partake of her lemonade stand, holding a secret garage sale, or stealing the show by announcing for the seventeenth time this month that it is her birthday, Irene remains engaged and engaging. She is inspired, confident and headstrong, and by some strange turn of events, she teaches those around her to live with meaning and substance, proving time and time again that one can never underestimate those who we think are different.
I have to say that this is by far the best memoir I have read over the past two years. The courage and tenacity of Terrell and her family's reaction to Irene's handicap stunned and moved me. I can't imagine being as brave as these people were, and the fact that they fought to such extremes is both impressive and inspiring to say the least. Terrell makes no bones about how difficult it can be to look after Irene, and her uncompromising honesty is the glue that holds this book together. To me, Irene sounds like a card, and I laughed with glee at her antics and behaviors. I especially like her adamant refusal to change her Mickey Mouse socks, even when going to a formal event, or her sly attempts at sneaking junk food whenever she can get her hands on it. But underneath all that, there must have been some really frightening times for this family. I think back to the time when she was lost somewhere in the bus terminal, and her family didn't know if she was on a bus halfway across the country or just hidden in a bathroom playing with her dolls. I think about the times when her tantrums cause her to injure herself, or when she is violent with other people, and I marvel at the fortitude that her family shows when the unthinkable becomes the everyday.
Terrell goes on to explain that her husband and children all look after Irene with the same love and attention that she has demonstrated, and that, too, warms my heart. It was angering to see how little support was given to the families of handicapped children at that time in the United States. It seems that everyone thought the best thing to do was to lock them up and forget about them, and changing this was an uphill struggle all the way. But the Harris family had other solutions. Using behavior modification, they manage to get Irene to comply with many things and they strive continuously to improve the quality of her life with new and inventive methods that others had never even thought of.
Another wonderful thing about this book was the strong undercurrent of feeling running through it. Whether Terrell was tired, frustrated, elated or dejected, she never spared her truth and forthrightness, and that was something that elevated this book in to the must-read category. This is not a woman who sits around feeling sorry for herself, this is a woman who sees the path she is on,and marches straight downit with a resolute strength that many would not have. Although Irene is a handful, and sometimes her life seems a never-ending set of trials, Terrell maintains her plucky attitude and stays the course. Did I mention that in the intervening time she has made a name for herself with a weekly newspaper column? Well she has, along with raising a family, helping her parents, and lobbying for the mentally handicapped. Terrell also has an extremely humorous presence on the page, at times laugh out loud funny and at times quietly amusing. She seems to have the gift of portraying everything with just the right touch of levity. This book was written both cleverly and deeply, and there were times I wanted to laugh as well as cry.
Please don't just take my word for it, go out and get this book and see for yourself! As I have said before, it is a must read in the category of memoirs, and I would highly recommend it to all types of readers. The story told within these pages is an honest and awe inspiring tale of one family's love for each other, and it was such a pleasure to read. One day I hope to get a chance to tell the author of this book how much this story touched me, and how wonderful I think she and Irene really are. A stellar read.
January 20, 2024
As the mother of two special needs adult children, this book touched me deeply. I’ve had different but somewhat similar experiences and two other daughters that will end up being the caregivers. I loved the raw and real feelings—both positive and negative expressed by the author. Many emotions that are so true when caring for someone with disabilities. Thank you Terrell Harris Dougan!
April 23, 2017
I had varied reactions to this book in the course of reading the 200 or so pages. At first I was really impressed by the writing style, simple yet effective. After I got used to the writing style, I admired the way the family coped with Irene’s disability. They wanted her to have a life in the community and not to be sent in some home where there are no proper facilities. After 100 pages or so I started getting irritated because it was more about Terrell and her sacrifices and her accomplishments. Honestly I was expecting a more compassionate approach towards Irene. But most of the time it was how unmanageable she was, how stubborn and manipulative.
I was all about writing a negative review for this book. But then somewhere around the last 50 pages or so, I realized something. Whenever I read a book about mental disability or any form of disability for that matter, there is always an expectation that you get to know how wonderful that person is and that he/ she has enriched your life in so many ways and that you would not have it any other way in spite of everything.
In the beginning the book felt like all complaining and how much Terrell and her family had to sacrifice for Irene. But deep down you see they care and they love and do it because they want to and not because they have to. At the end of the book there’s a letter to Irene which says all the things I wanted to read, that she was special and she impacted her life and all that. And then there’s this,
However, as my dear friend says of her mentally disabled son, “Yeah, yeah, I know. But I still wish it had happened to the neighbors.”
So yes, I understand now. I loved the honesty in this book. And even though it’s a difficult subject, the book does not get overbearing at any time. This book, I feel, is not about Irene, it’s about the people who deal with her and cope with the difficulties that come with raising and managing a mentally disabled person. There was this fear of what would happen to Irene when no one was around, the guilt of not doing enough that always seemed to be there, the codependency (read about this in the book) and finally coming to terms with the situation. I think people who interact with disabled people will be able to relate to this book very well.
I was all about writing a negative review for this book. But then somewhere around the last 50 pages or so, I realized something. Whenever I read a book about mental disability or any form of disability for that matter, there is always an expectation that you get to know how wonderful that person is and that he/ she has enriched your life in so many ways and that you would not have it any other way in spite of everything.
In the beginning the book felt like all complaining and how much Terrell and her family had to sacrifice for Irene. But deep down you see they care and they love and do it because they want to and not because they have to. At the end of the book there’s a letter to Irene which says all the things I wanted to read, that she was special and she impacted her life and all that. And then there’s this,
However, as my dear friend says of her mentally disabled son, “Yeah, yeah, I know. But I still wish it had happened to the neighbors.”
So yes, I understand now. I loved the honesty in this book. And even though it’s a difficult subject, the book does not get overbearing at any time. This book, I feel, is not about Irene, it’s about the people who deal with her and cope with the difficulties that come with raising and managing a mentally disabled person. There was this fear of what would happen to Irene when no one was around, the guilt of not doing enough that always seemed to be there, the codependency (read about this in the book) and finally coming to terms with the situation. I think people who interact with disabled people will be able to relate to this book very well.
February 24, 2009
When Terrell Harris’s younger sister was born, it was a difficult birth for her mother. The baby’s brain didn’t receive enough oxygen, so Irene was born brain damaged. The family had Irene tested at the University of Utah and were told that she has an IQ around 57, she will never learn to read and write and that her emotional age is around 3. Doctors recommended institutionalizing her, but the family refused. They brought Irene home and life went on. They tried enrolling her in school, and when that didn’t work, her father formed the Salt Lake County Association for Retarded Children. The Harris family became very active in the fight for the rights of special need individuals.
Irene’s parents were always concerned about her future and sent her to a school in California for several years, hoping she would become more independent and self-sufficient. Irene was not happy there. They brought her home and struggled with deciding how to best care for her. When their parents passed away, the decisions for Irene’s care fell to Terrell.
That Went Well by Terrell Harris Dougan is the story of Terrell’s life with and without Irene. It is the story of a family bonded by love and fierce determination. I thoroughly enjoyed this book because it was told with love and humor. Terrell shows how those with special needs impact the lives of their families and their communities. She is honest about the frustrations, failures and triumphs she has had to face. I have several friends who have children with special needs and I know they struggle with some of the same decisions Terrell does. It’s easy to sit back and be judgmental about the choices that are made, but if you read about the way family members, like Terrell, agonize over each of these choices you will have more empathy for them.
Irene’s parents were always concerned about her future and sent her to a school in California for several years, hoping she would become more independent and self-sufficient. Irene was not happy there. They brought her home and struggled with deciding how to best care for her. When their parents passed away, the decisions for Irene’s care fell to Terrell.
That Went Well by Terrell Harris Dougan is the story of Terrell’s life with and without Irene. It is the story of a family bonded by love and fierce determination. I thoroughly enjoyed this book because it was told with love and humor. Terrell shows how those with special needs impact the lives of their families and their communities. She is honest about the frustrations, failures and triumphs she has had to face. I have several friends who have children with special needs and I know they struggle with some of the same decisions Terrell does. It’s easy to sit back and be judgmental about the choices that are made, but if you read about the way family members, like Terrell, agonize over each of these choices you will have more empathy for them.
June 17, 2016
The feel of this book reminded me of "A Girl Named Zippy," and "She Got Up Off the Couch: And Other Heroic Acts from Mooreland, Indiana." Funny but yet heartfelt memoirs. She really did crack me up, and you'll fall in love too with her sister Irene! Yes, there were struggles. No, they didn't always probably do the exact right thing, and they know this, but boy did they love and care and TRY! Small warning, this author doesn't have a relationship with God, so, in not knowing Who He is, she a few times refers to the gods and the higher power and whether God is he/she. But you kind of get over that and just hope she DOES keep praying and seeking "that higher power" she's talking about and someday can know that YES, it WAS HIM who was there helping her along as she tried to pray and ask for help along the way.
September 9, 2010
A heart warming, and also heart wrenching, book about two sisters, one with a disability. Well written and insightful. I loved the fact that it was an honest account of both sides, the caregiver and the disabled. Some of these types of books are sugar coated or full of justifications. I appreciated Ms. Dougan's comments on the LDS Church and their kind acts of service to Irene. My brother-in-law's family is Catholic, and when his mother was diagnosed with cancer he told her to find the nearest LDS ward house so that the Relief Society could help her as she went through treatments :0)
February 23, 2009
Terrell is local. She is a close friend of my cousin. Her family later lived in our neighborhood where I grew up. This is such a wonderful and uplifting story about dealing with an almost impossible situation. We all seem to have one family member who needs a lot more oversight, care, or nurturing. She tells her story about dealing with her mentally handicapped sister in a way can can all feel. I am uplifted by her words in dealing with my own life.
January 18, 2016
Very touching story using humor and a open and honest heart. Not only is Terrell Dougan a wonderful sister but a beautiful person. What a open and honest look into a caretakers world of a special needs person.
I read this book in a matter of hours, just could not put it down.
I read this book in a matter of hours, just could not put it down.
Read
June 17, 2014Funny and cute
August 15, 2016
A humorous look at what must actually be a very trying situation. Beautifully written with love.
September 27, 2022
I've had this book for ages because it was local and because I have a mentally disabled sister (who has her own set of issues, but is not nearly so difficult as Irene). I had mixed feelings as I read the book. On the one hand the stories and settings were interesting and Terrell's work as an advocate for the mentally retarded was unknown to me. She clearly did a lot of good work in this regard, and seeing my 54 year old sister come along 10 years after a lot of the work the Harris' did, I was familiar with the issues they dealt with and social attitudes towards managing the disabled. It seemed like almost every year my mother had to make new decisions about my sister's education as she was growing up. Mainstreaming was the new mantra for well intended reasons, but mainstreaming also meant sitting in the back of the class not knowing what was really going on and having normals make fun of you. When my sister went back to special ed, she excelled enough that teachers said that she could handle the regular classroom. She couldn't. It was back and forth for many years. In kindergarten, they released her from school a half hour early so that she could *almost* make it home before the mean kids were released. Having a mentally disabled child or sibling is tough, especially when the job goes to the siblings as parents age.
Like Irene, people in my sister's world love her; she's active in her church, all the bus drivers know her and she's good with people in public. Like Terrell, my siblings and I help care for her and worry about her future needs. Unlike the Harris,' my family doesn't not have the level of wealth that can make some of these choices easier. We could never afford a full time caregiver and extra house, for example. I don't fault them for using their resources that way, but I do wonder if they realize that they had many more options given their seeming wealth.
I didn't love that it took Terrell so many years and so many experiences to understand what situations were stressful for her sister. She told a lot of stories as funny "who woulda thunk it" observations, offering her lack of understanding as the punch line. But they were surface jokesy tellings and while a sense of humor can go a long way, why didn't she see these things coming after years and years of them? In this sense, I think Terrell's career as a newspaper humor columnist held her back. Much of the book was in this tone, with the columnist's easy conclusion at the end of each chapter. I would have loved to see her go deeper, understand better and maybe recognize that she was very fortunate in being able to not have to work and to have the means to manage her sister in a way that all of them could live comfortably.
Like Irene, people in my sister's world love her; she's active in her church, all the bus drivers know her and she's good with people in public. Like Terrell, my siblings and I help care for her and worry about her future needs. Unlike the Harris,' my family doesn't not have the level of wealth that can make some of these choices easier. We could never afford a full time caregiver and extra house, for example. I don't fault them for using their resources that way, but I do wonder if they realize that they had many more options given their seeming wealth.
I didn't love that it took Terrell so many years and so many experiences to understand what situations were stressful for her sister. She told a lot of stories as funny "who woulda thunk it" observations, offering her lack of understanding as the punch line. But they were surface jokesy tellings and while a sense of humor can go a long way, why didn't she see these things coming after years and years of them? In this sense, I think Terrell's career as a newspaper humor columnist held her back. Much of the book was in this tone, with the columnist's easy conclusion at the end of each chapter. I would have loved to see her go deeper, understand better and maybe recognize that she was very fortunate in being able to not have to work and to have the means to manage her sister in a way that all of them could live comfortably.
June 27, 2025
Terrell Harris Dougan's heartfelt and sometimes heartbreaking memoir of her life with her special needs sister Irene, offers a human, humorous, and courageous portrait of a family doing the best they can with their situation. Irene was brain damaged at birth; later professionals evaluated her with the emotional development of a 3-year-old, she was never able to read or write. Not only did Dougan try to give her sister the least restrictive lifestyle, she legislated and championed the same for special needs individuals throughout her home state of Utah, as a pioneer in the Association for Retarded Citizens beginning in the 1960s. They started group homes, sheltered workshops, and other programs that my late sister-in-law Debbie, who had Down Syndrome, had the benefit of in Ohio in the 1980s and 90s. Nationwide, families like the Harris-Dougans tried to normalize society (encourage them to welcome someone different into their neighborhood) as well as set up the supportive network to enable special needs people to live as independent lives as possible. The author admits her faults; she tries too hard to get Irene to enjoy the things that she enjoyed, such as musicals, travel, dressings stylishly. In the end, she finally admits that Irene is her own person and needs to express herself in her own way. You'll laugh, you'll cry and you'll learn many life lessons from this treasure of a memoir.
January 8, 2020
I really enjoyed this book, especially the latter half that was more focused on the actual caring of the authors sister. The final three chapters were a goldmine of tender relatability and I want to send them out to all special needs parents and siblings everywhere. In the closing letter to her sister, her heart reflected my own, “The courage it has taken for you to lead your life leaves me breathless.”
November 8, 2021
Ugh. One of the worst books I’ve read. But let me tell you how I really feel:
I assumed from the title and description that this would be about the author being a caregiver for her mentally challenged sister. Instead, it’s a boring self-promoting trip down her memory lane, with little about her experiences with her sister.
I assumed from the title and description that this would be about the author being a caregiver for her mentally challenged sister. Instead, it’s a boring self-promoting trip down her memory lane, with little about her experiences with her sister.
January 19, 2018
Another book that I'd give 4.5 if had the option.
I often tab pages that I would like to refer back to when reading a book.
This book had many parts that I enjoyed re-reading.
Good lessons on how to work with others regarding volunteer efforts.
I often tab pages that I would like to refer back to when reading a book.
This book had many parts that I enjoyed re-reading.
Good lessons on how to work with others regarding volunteer efforts.
August 6, 2018
Quick, entertaining, heartwarming memoir of the author's life with her disabled sister. I picked this up without knowing it all took place in Utah---the geographical and cultural references as well as the conversational tone took it from three to four stars for me.
November 16, 2021
I liked it. It wasn’t too long and it was really interesting.
July 15, 2022
A good point of view!
Quick easy read.
Quick easy read.
October 6, 2022
A nice book to quickly read through. Just an okay experience.
February 29, 2024
The last three chapters rated 5*
April 26, 2009
Basic Overview
That Went Well: Adventures in Caring for My Sister documents the author's journey in caring for her sister with special needs. Terrell Harris Dougan's sister Irene is a woman in her 60s who still believes in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny -- but who also enjoys dressing up like these characters for children at a local hospital. Irene's favorite outfit consists of Mickey Mouse knee socks and shorts -- no matter what the weather. Irene finds love wherever she goes -- including her regular visits to the local firehouse and stores -- but she also has a tendency to spend money she doesn't have. Irene wants nothing more but to live independently -- but she can't always be trusted not to spend all her money on candy or to remember to dry her laundry. Irene can be charming but also is prone to tantrums, screaming fits and physical violence. When Irene was born, her family was told to institutionalize her (that is what people did with "those type" of children in the 1940s). But her parents refused and worked for years to find a way to keep Irene at home or living as independently as possible. Their efforts included finding other parents in similar situations and starting the first day care center for special needs children. But Irene seems to have a special talent for getting out of any placement arrangement created for her. And when Irene and Terrell's parents die, Irene's care is put squarely on the shoulders of Terrell, whose efforts on behalf of her sister are amazing, heroic and heart-warming.
My Thoughts
Reading this book is like hearing a funny girlfriend talk about her nutty family. Terrell Harris Dougan has a very down-to-earth and humorous writing style that suits this memoir well. She never allows you to pity her or Irene, but she doesn't sugarcoat the very difficult aspects of caring for a sibling with special needs. She writes in straightforward style that simply tells her of her "adventures" in caring for Irene. What she does on behalf of her sister is amazing and provides a pretty thorough history of the special needs community. From her involvement in grassroots Utah politics to serving on the National Association for Retarded Citizens, Terrell's involvement in making life better for all special needs children and adults is eye-opening and interesting. It interested me to learn how the attitudes toward special needs children and adults evolved over Irene's lifetime (spanning the 1940s until the present day). Ironically, so many of Terrell's efforts failed to work for Irene -- forcing Terrell to create a living arrangement that fits Irene's own particular needs.
Although the book focuses primarily on Terrell's adventures of caring for her sister, there is also a fair amount of information about her own life separate from Irene, which is interesting in and of itself. For example, she took part in the beginnings of the Sundance Film Festival, and her account of the initial meeting with Robert Redford is priceless. The sections on her involvement in community theater is hilarious, and I enjoyed reading her thoughts on how hard it is to be a woman today -- do you go for the career, the marriage, the family? How do you balance it all and make it work? These are issues of importance to any woman, and Terrell's opinions are -- like the rest of the book -- down-to-earth, realistic and funny.
Final Thoughts
I think this is a book that everyone should read -- whether you know someone with special needs or not. Raising awareness about the needs of the special needs population and the burdens that fall on their caregivers is perhaps the best by-product of this book. This is an uplifting book filled with humor and reminders that -- although life doesn't always go the way we hoped --we can often find love, humor, caring and goodness along the way. At the same time, the book doesn't shy away from sharing how difficult it is to be a caregiver for a special needs child or adult. For this reason, I think the book will have special resonance and meaning for anyone who cares for a child or adult with special needs.
Bottom line: This is an easy, fun read with an important message that will open your eyes to the realities of living with and loving a special needs person.
That Went Well: Adventures in Caring for My Sister documents the author's journey in caring for her sister with special needs. Terrell Harris Dougan's sister Irene is a woman in her 60s who still believes in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny -- but who also enjoys dressing up like these characters for children at a local hospital. Irene's favorite outfit consists of Mickey Mouse knee socks and shorts -- no matter what the weather. Irene finds love wherever she goes -- including her regular visits to the local firehouse and stores -- but she also has a tendency to spend money she doesn't have. Irene wants nothing more but to live independently -- but she can't always be trusted not to spend all her money on candy or to remember to dry her laundry. Irene can be charming but also is prone to tantrums, screaming fits and physical violence. When Irene was born, her family was told to institutionalize her (that is what people did with "those type" of children in the 1940s). But her parents refused and worked for years to find a way to keep Irene at home or living as independently as possible. Their efforts included finding other parents in similar situations and starting the first day care center for special needs children. But Irene seems to have a special talent for getting out of any placement arrangement created for her. And when Irene and Terrell's parents die, Irene's care is put squarely on the shoulders of Terrell, whose efforts on behalf of her sister are amazing, heroic and heart-warming.
My Thoughts
Reading this book is like hearing a funny girlfriend talk about her nutty family. Terrell Harris Dougan has a very down-to-earth and humorous writing style that suits this memoir well. She never allows you to pity her or Irene, but she doesn't sugarcoat the very difficult aspects of caring for a sibling with special needs. She writes in straightforward style that simply tells her of her "adventures" in caring for Irene. What she does on behalf of her sister is amazing and provides a pretty thorough history of the special needs community. From her involvement in grassroots Utah politics to serving on the National Association for Retarded Citizens, Terrell's involvement in making life better for all special needs children and adults is eye-opening and interesting. It interested me to learn how the attitudes toward special needs children and adults evolved over Irene's lifetime (spanning the 1940s until the present day). Ironically, so many of Terrell's efforts failed to work for Irene -- forcing Terrell to create a living arrangement that fits Irene's own particular needs.
Although the book focuses primarily on Terrell's adventures of caring for her sister, there is also a fair amount of information about her own life separate from Irene, which is interesting in and of itself. For example, she took part in the beginnings of the Sundance Film Festival, and her account of the initial meeting with Robert Redford is priceless. The sections on her involvement in community theater is hilarious, and I enjoyed reading her thoughts on how hard it is to be a woman today -- do you go for the career, the marriage, the family? How do you balance it all and make it work? These are issues of importance to any woman, and Terrell's opinions are -- like the rest of the book -- down-to-earth, realistic and funny.
Final Thoughts
I think this is a book that everyone should read -- whether you know someone with special needs or not. Raising awareness about the needs of the special needs population and the burdens that fall on their caregivers is perhaps the best by-product of this book. This is an uplifting book filled with humor and reminders that -- although life doesn't always go the way we hoped --we can often find love, humor, caring and goodness along the way. At the same time, the book doesn't shy away from sharing how difficult it is to be a caregiver for a special needs child or adult. For this reason, I think the book will have special resonance and meaning for anyone who cares for a child or adult with special needs.
Bottom line: This is an easy, fun read with an important message that will open your eyes to the realities of living with and loving a special needs person.
October 17, 2009
This book struck home for me in many ways. My future brother in law is mentally handicapped, and reading this memoir made me so grateful to people like the author. Because of people like her, he lives in a group home that understands how to take care of him.
I respected her honesty in describing the difficulty of caring for her sister. She is not someone who succumbed to denial. She is excruciatingly aware of her sister's flaws and of their effect on the author, as well as her parents and grandmother. Some of the most heartbreaking moments for me were the examples of the author's parents' irrationality and occasional outbursts that resulted from the constant stress of caring for Irene.
One of her great struggles is balancing what she thinks Irene wants versus what Irene wants and what Irene wants versus what Irene needs. Irene does not understand consequences, so is unable to compare short term and long term goals. She does not understand that a diabetic should not eat chocolate. She does not understand that if she puts clothes away damp, they become mildewed.
A related balancing act for the author was figuring out when she was being codependent and when her sister was not getting the help she needed. There were some nerve-wracking passages where she related the caregiver's excuses for her sister's abysmal living conditions, saying that it was because Irene was "spoiled" and "lazy." While that may very well have been true, she also has the IQ of a three year old. The caregivers did not know where to draw the line between helping and enabling. All this underscored the need for more people to become experts in the very new field of taking GOOD care of the handicapped.
My great respect for the author is tempered by my sympathy for her daughters. Only once did either of her daughters ask for time alone with their mother, without their violent aunt; I thought she responded cruelly. The story, however, illustrates how hard it is to figure out where the lines are when taking care of a handicapped loved one. The caregiver wants to ensure that the handicapped person is always included. It is hard to keep in mind that in families without handicapped people, it is common for subsets of the family to spend time together.
I found this book to be important. It is fantastic that America stopped putting the handicapped in institutions to be forgotten(or worse, in cages, like the author's great uncle). There has not been much written about the families, and especially the siblings, of the handicapped. I think it is an excellent addition to the literature and believe it will be incredibly useful to families that find themselves in a similar situation.
I respected her honesty in describing the difficulty of caring for her sister. She is not someone who succumbed to denial. She is excruciatingly aware of her sister's flaws and of their effect on the author, as well as her parents and grandmother. Some of the most heartbreaking moments for me were the examples of the author's parents' irrationality and occasional outbursts that resulted from the constant stress of caring for Irene.
One of her great struggles is balancing what she thinks Irene wants versus what Irene wants and what Irene wants versus what Irene needs. Irene does not understand consequences, so is unable to compare short term and long term goals. She does not understand that a diabetic should not eat chocolate. She does not understand that if she puts clothes away damp, they become mildewed.
A related balancing act for the author was figuring out when she was being codependent and when her sister was not getting the help she needed. There were some nerve-wracking passages where she related the caregiver's excuses for her sister's abysmal living conditions, saying that it was because Irene was "spoiled" and "lazy." While that may very well have been true, she also has the IQ of a three year old. The caregivers did not know where to draw the line between helping and enabling. All this underscored the need for more people to become experts in the very new field of taking GOOD care of the handicapped.
My great respect for the author is tempered by my sympathy for her daughters. Only once did either of her daughters ask for time alone with their mother, without their violent aunt; I thought she responded cruelly. The story, however, illustrates how hard it is to figure out where the lines are when taking care of a handicapped loved one. The caregiver wants to ensure that the handicapped person is always included. It is hard to keep in mind that in families without handicapped people, it is common for subsets of the family to spend time together.
I found this book to be important. It is fantastic that America stopped putting the handicapped in institutions to be forgotten(or worse, in cages, like the author's great uncle). There has not been much written about the families, and especially the siblings, of the handicapped. I think it is an excellent addition to the literature and believe it will be incredibly useful to families that find themselves in a similar situation.
January 25, 2022
This is a truly memorable book.
I read between 200 and 300 books per year and while I enjoy them all most are quickly forgotten. I read a library copy of this book shortly after it was published and was so impressed that I recommended it to several friends who have mentally challenged relatives. In a down-to-earth, bluntly honest, and frequently hilarious way, this author tells what it's like to have a mentally handicapped sibling.
The story of her parents, who refused to allow their brain-damaged child to be institutionalized and forgotten, is inspirational. They were pioneers in the field of helping mentally handicapped children develop to their full potential and their work and sacrifices made life better for thousands of individuals and families.
However, being a pioneer comes at a cost and the cost is paid both by the parents and their other children. As this book makes clear, siblings of the mentally handicapped not only get the short end of the stick as their parents struggle to deal with the challenges of raising a special-needs child, they must also be prepared to care for their handicapped sibling when their parents are no longer able to do so.
What I especially appreciated is the fact that Mrs. Dougan doesn't paint her sister as a plaster saint, but as a real woman with both lovable qualities and faults. The cute little kid who gives "unconditional love" is endlessly appealing, but when that little kid turns into an adult and starts to age, many people seem to feel that the family should be able to wave a magic wand to correct the situation. If only it were that simple. One acquaintance who knows how difficult Irene can be spoke of advising parents with a Down Syndrome child to "get her under control or they'd have another Irene on their hands!" Apparently the mentally handicapped should be seen and not heard. Would it help to explain to such a person that the brain damage Irene suffered at birth still controls her behavior?
I loved this book and learned so much from it. I can't imagine a story that would mean more to those whose lives have been affected by having a mentally handicapped relative. There are many situations which we cannot change, but the honest thoughts and emotions of someone who's walked down the same path gives comfort and encouragement. I wish this book could be featured on a special promotion (Daily Deal or something of the sort) to get it in front of a wider audience. Although it's not a new book, it still has so much to offer.
I read between 200 and 300 books per year and while I enjoy them all most are quickly forgotten. I read a library copy of this book shortly after it was published and was so impressed that I recommended it to several friends who have mentally challenged relatives. In a down-to-earth, bluntly honest, and frequently hilarious way, this author tells what it's like to have a mentally handicapped sibling.
The story of her parents, who refused to allow their brain-damaged child to be institutionalized and forgotten, is inspirational. They were pioneers in the field of helping mentally handicapped children develop to their full potential and their work and sacrifices made life better for thousands of individuals and families.
However, being a pioneer comes at a cost and the cost is paid both by the parents and their other children. As this book makes clear, siblings of the mentally handicapped not only get the short end of the stick as their parents struggle to deal with the challenges of raising a special-needs child, they must also be prepared to care for their handicapped sibling when their parents are no longer able to do so.
What I especially appreciated is the fact that Mrs. Dougan doesn't paint her sister as a plaster saint, but as a real woman with both lovable qualities and faults. The cute little kid who gives "unconditional love" is endlessly appealing, but when that little kid turns into an adult and starts to age, many people seem to feel that the family should be able to wave a magic wand to correct the situation. If only it were that simple. One acquaintance who knows how difficult Irene can be spoke of advising parents with a Down Syndrome child to "get her under control or they'd have another Irene on their hands!" Apparently the mentally handicapped should be seen and not heard. Would it help to explain to such a person that the brain damage Irene suffered at birth still controls her behavior?
I loved this book and learned so much from it. I can't imagine a story that would mean more to those whose lives have been affected by having a mentally handicapped relative. There are many situations which we cannot change, but the honest thoughts and emotions of someone who's walked down the same path gives comfort and encouragement. I wish this book could be featured on a special promotion (Daily Deal or something of the sort) to get it in front of a wider audience. Although it's not a new book, it still has so much to offer.
September 12, 2015
When Terrell was 6 years old, her parents welcomed a little sister into their family. While Terrell was happy to have a sibling at long last, the whole family began to realize something wasn’t quite right about their new arrival. After a few years of slow development, the doctors confirmed that little Irene had an IQ of only 57, and she wasn’t expected to ever read, write, or be able to care for herself. In a time when intellectually disabled children were usually sent away or locked up in hidden rooms in their family’s houses, Terrell’s parents decided to let Irene grow up like a normal kid at home. Her parents’ open acceptance of Irene’s condition set a precedent for how Irene would be treated for the rest of her life, especially for Terrell, who would ultimately spend her life caring for her sister.
From her earliest days of defending Irene against neighborhood bullies to lobbying and applying for federal funding for mentally handicapped people in Utah, Terrell has never stopped standing up for her sister. Though Irene’s violent outbursts and tantrums haven’t made it easy, Terrell has spent her life caring and providing for Irene despite the sleepless nights and endless worry. Terrell is the first to admit that her patience wears thin and she wishes Irene’s mental handicap had happened to someone else, but she also acknowledges that Irene has taught her about patience, kindness, and love, and she is grateful to have her as a sister.
That Went Well is a collection of short stories recounting Terrell’s experiences with her sister. I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with intellectually disabled people, save for one of my cousins, but I think that Terrell does quite a good job balancing the frustrating moments with the heartwarming ones. She doesn’t shy away from details and is frank about the times when she felt hopeless and overwhelmed, which really adds legitimacy to the honest voice these stories are told in. There were times I laughed, there were times I cried, and there were times I wanted to throw up my hands in exasperation, which I think thoroughly sums up Terrell’s own experiences with her sister.
Though I didn’t feel as though I could relate to the subject very much, it was a very good read, and I would recommend it to those who have experience working or living with intellectually disabled people.
From her earliest days of defending Irene against neighborhood bullies to lobbying and applying for federal funding for mentally handicapped people in Utah, Terrell has never stopped standing up for her sister. Though Irene’s violent outbursts and tantrums haven’t made it easy, Terrell has spent her life caring and providing for Irene despite the sleepless nights and endless worry. Terrell is the first to admit that her patience wears thin and she wishes Irene’s mental handicap had happened to someone else, but she also acknowledges that Irene has taught her about patience, kindness, and love, and she is grateful to have her as a sister.
That Went Well is a collection of short stories recounting Terrell’s experiences with her sister. I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with intellectually disabled people, save for one of my cousins, but I think that Terrell does quite a good job balancing the frustrating moments with the heartwarming ones. She doesn’t shy away from details and is frank about the times when she felt hopeless and overwhelmed, which really adds legitimacy to the honest voice these stories are told in. There were times I laughed, there were times I cried, and there were times I wanted to throw up my hands in exasperation, which I think thoroughly sums up Terrell’s own experiences with her sister.
Though I didn’t feel as though I could relate to the subject very much, it was a very good read, and I would recommend it to those who have experience working or living with intellectually disabled people.
September 2, 2010
This was an interesting and humorous autobiographical book about caring for a mentally handicapped sister. It was a quick, easy read, and likable, though not as compelling as I expected it to be.
I have to admit, a couple of things she said made me a little biased and less sympathetic than I might have otherwise been. I thought it was unusual for her to assert that her mother's lot caring for her and her sister (with the help of grandma) was more difficult than the lot of their neighbors who had 8 children. Since four active children almost overwhelm me, I didn't like that.
I appreciated her words of kindness and gratitude toward the Church of Jesus Christ(LDS, aka Mormons).
I felt that they were in a privileged class since they were fortunate to be able to buy a house as well as paid care. It was hard to convey how challenging things were. Terrell's explanations of how challenging things were sometimes came across as "woe is me" and the sense of difficulty didn't really make it through to me. I feel a great deal of frustration about certain things, and I know I could not explain it in a way that people would empathize... so I concluded this was like that. To go through something and try to explain it can be impossible.
The work that Mr. Harris and eventually Terrell Harris did to help the mentally retarded is praiseworthy... all of us need to find important issues in our community and when the time is right do the work needed to make our community/world better.
It was fun to get to know Irene. I feel all of us should find a way to include the mentally and otherwise disabled in our lives... to befriend them and spend some time with them.
I have to admit, a couple of things she said made me a little biased and less sympathetic than I might have otherwise been. I thought it was unusual for her to assert that her mother's lot caring for her and her sister (with the help of grandma) was more difficult than the lot of their neighbors who had 8 children. Since four active children almost overwhelm me, I didn't like that.
I appreciated her words of kindness and gratitude toward the Church of Jesus Christ(LDS, aka Mormons).
I felt that they were in a privileged class since they were fortunate to be able to buy a house as well as paid care. It was hard to convey how challenging things were. Terrell's explanations of how challenging things were sometimes came across as "woe is me" and the sense of difficulty didn't really make it through to me. I feel a great deal of frustration about certain things, and I know I could not explain it in a way that people would empathize... so I concluded this was like that. To go through something and try to explain it can be impossible.
The work that Mr. Harris and eventually Terrell Harris did to help the mentally retarded is praiseworthy... all of us need to find important issues in our community and when the time is right do the work needed to make our community/world better.
It was fun to get to know Irene. I feel all of us should find a way to include the mentally and otherwise disabled in our lives... to befriend them and spend some time with them.
May 5, 2011
I got this book in our book club book exchange. It is the story of a family who has one "normal" little girl and then has a girl with a developmental disability. The story begins in the 50's when there are not many options open to families. Of course they were told to institutionalize Irene.
Irene doesn't really fit in anywhere. The family, especially Irene's sister Terrell, become activitists and develop new options for Irene. Life in the family is difficult and yet rewarding and they try to see things with humor when they can. Irene even has a good sense of humor including a sign on her refigerator "Normal People Worry Me."
One paragraph in the book had deep insight for me.
Irene's mom says, " I'm so discouraged, I don't know what to do. Irene doesn't fit in anywhere and I can't cope with her any more. I don't want to leave her to you (Terrell, author of the book) to have to deal with. I'm thinking the best solution is just to kill her somehow and then kill myself."
Four years ago, one of my friends was killed by her husband. Then the husband stabbed their son who has Down Syndrome and then killed himself. It has been very difficult to understand what happened to cause the situaion to end up this way. My friend's other son now is caring for this brother.
One of the hard parts is now the one son has to care for his brother who not only has Down Syndrome, but emotional issues because of what the father did to the family.
Irene doesn't really fit in anywhere. The family, especially Irene's sister Terrell, become activitists and develop new options for Irene. Life in the family is difficult and yet rewarding and they try to see things with humor when they can. Irene even has a good sense of humor including a sign on her refigerator "Normal People Worry Me."
One paragraph in the book had deep insight for me.
Irene's mom says, " I'm so discouraged, I don't know what to do. Irene doesn't fit in anywhere and I can't cope with her any more. I don't want to leave her to you (Terrell, author of the book) to have to deal with. I'm thinking the best solution is just to kill her somehow and then kill myself."
Four years ago, one of my friends was killed by her husband. Then the husband stabbed their son who has Down Syndrome and then killed himself. It has been very difficult to understand what happened to cause the situaion to end up this way. My friend's other son now is caring for this brother.
One of the hard parts is now the one son has to care for his brother who not only has Down Syndrome, but emotional issues because of what the father did to the family.
July 23, 2009
That Went Well: Adventures In Caring for My Sister is a memoir about Terrell Dougan's life and how she dealt with having a sister with mental disabilities. Terrell's parents made the choice not to institutionalize her sister Irene which meant life was always interesting to say the least. They ended up becoming advocates for people with mental disabilities and working towards other types of living arrangements for them.
What I liked about this book were all of the stories about Irene and what made her tick. She was a joy to read about and it came across so clearly how much Terrell cares for her sister. Irene was fun to read about and had lots of interesting quirks that make her unique. Terrell was a strong sister and really worked hard for the rights of individuals with mental handicaps. She was the first to admit when something wasn't going well in regards to Irene's care and needs. There were some flaws in the flow of the writing at times but it was interesting to see Irene and Terrell's progression over the years. I'll admit to wanting to have read more about Irene at times but it was an interesting read overall.
What I liked about this book were all of the stories about Irene and what made her tick. She was a joy to read about and it came across so clearly how much Terrell cares for her sister. Irene was fun to read about and had lots of interesting quirks that make her unique. Terrell was a strong sister and really worked hard for the rights of individuals with mental handicaps. She was the first to admit when something wasn't going well in regards to Irene's care and needs. There were some flaws in the flow of the writing at times but it was interesting to see Irene and Terrell's progression over the years. I'll admit to wanting to have read more about Irene at times but it was an interesting read overall.
August 17, 2009
I really wish I had the half star option right now because I feel this deserves more than just three stars. Rating it four stars is going a little far for me though so I'll leave it at three.
There is a blurb on the front (which I always read) from the author of Riding The Bus With My Sister and she calls this "thought-provoking"- it is. So many times authors will leave these blurbs and they are so off point it's hilarious. This, however, isn't one of those times.
That Went Well made me do a lot of thinking about things that never once crept into my mind before. And I have a mentally disabled cousin. Granted, we're not close and he lives far away from me but still.
I loved the way Dougan uses her humor and seeing how she came to the acceptance part of being primary caretaker for her sister was admirable to say the least.
I think anyone who likes memoir could appreciate That Went Well but it might just be very helpful for anyone caring for/helping to care for a disabled family member.
There is a blurb on the front (which I always read) from the author of Riding The Bus With My Sister and she calls this "thought-provoking"- it is. So many times authors will leave these blurbs and they are so off point it's hilarious. This, however, isn't one of those times.
That Went Well made me do a lot of thinking about things that never once crept into my mind before. And I have a mentally disabled cousin. Granted, we're not close and he lives far away from me but still.
I loved the way Dougan uses her humor and seeing how she came to the acceptance part of being primary caretaker for her sister was admirable to say the least.
I think anyone who likes memoir could appreciate That Went Well but it might just be very helpful for anyone caring for/helping to care for a disabled family member.
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