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Girls Will Be Girls
A bold and timely work that "offers parents humor, understanding, parenting philosophy, and well-founded pearls of wisdom" (Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D., coauthor of Raising Cain ).
Mary Pipher reveals to parents the problems girls face in Reviving Ophelia ; now in Girls Will Be Girls , JoAnn Deak offers solutions.
Looking past the "scare" stories to those that enlighten parents and enable them to empower girls, Deak draws from the latest brain research on girls to illustrate the exciting new ways in which we can help our daughters learn and thrive. Most telling of all, she gives us the voices of girls themselves as they struggle with body image, self-esteem, intellectual growth, peer pressure, and media messages. The result is a masterly book that addresses the key issues for girls growing up; one that fulfills a desperate need for clear guiding principles to help mothers, fathers, and their daughters navigate this chaotic contemporary culture.
Mary Pipher reveals to parents the problems girls face in Reviving Ophelia ; now in Girls Will Be Girls , JoAnn Deak offers solutions.
Looking past the "scare" stories to those that enlighten parents and enable them to empower girls, Deak draws from the latest brain research on girls to illustrate the exciting new ways in which we can help our daughters learn and thrive. Most telling of all, she gives us the voices of girls themselves as they struggle with body image, self-esteem, intellectual growth, peer pressure, and media messages. The result is a masterly book that addresses the key issues for girls growing up; one that fulfills a desperate need for clear guiding principles to help mothers, fathers, and their daughters navigate this chaotic contemporary culture.
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2002
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews
March 31, 2010
This book had a lot of good information - some of it new and some of it a good articulation of what I remember from my own childhood and adolescence. Her penchant for naming stages/issues/situations and labeling endlessly gets a little tiresome and her lack of supporting documentation/evidence is a concerning, but on the whole it's a good book to get any parent of daughters in a good mind frame to tackle the task. I like her pragmatic approach and validation of the different social/emotional stages. It makes me realize that every phase has it's reasons and benefits.
April 21, 2016
ok so I haven't read the whole thing, it is a tough read for me, I have fallen asleep nearly every attempt to go straight through it. But that said, I decided to skim it today before returning it to the library (after 2 months), and found some good info. But it is well hidden. I didn't want a college psychology course, just some good info and advice.
For my own reference, here are my notes:
*Be specific with praise (not "good girl")
*Use praise with punishment as a more complete discipline
*Adjust your response to her personallity, temperament, sensitivity and to the situation
*Self Esteem=Competence, Confidence, and Connectedness
*Stages of social development:
--0-2 self awareness
--2-3 Parallel play, not collaberative interaction (give them each a toy)
--3-6 Interactive play, cooperative
--6-8 Transitory firendships, encourage play with many different girls
--8-10 Friendship clusters
--10-12 BF's
--12-14 Cliques
--14+ Interest-based friendships
-- Universal Acceptance
*How to help her be herself and not a pleaser:
--DO 1. Love with no strings attached, don't say I love you to a behavior/performance
2. Allow and accept a range of behavior, not too narrow in expectations, allow risks and mistakes
3. Its how you play the game, value of success and failure
--DON'T 1. Don't see her as an extension of you or a possesion, be careful of "I want her to..."
2. Don't set the motivation trap, using your love to reinforce pleasing behavior on purpose is not good
3. Don't let your pendulum swing too far, have guidelines/limits
I skipped all the tween/teen stuff since I'm not there yet.
For my own reference, here are my notes:
*Be specific with praise (not "good girl")
*Use praise with punishment as a more complete discipline
*Adjust your response to her personallity, temperament, sensitivity and to the situation
*Self Esteem=Competence, Confidence, and Connectedness
*Stages of social development:
--0-2 self awareness
--2-3 Parallel play, not collaberative interaction (give them each a toy)
--3-6 Interactive play, cooperative
--6-8 Transitory firendships, encourage play with many different girls
--8-10 Friendship clusters
--10-12 BF's
--12-14 Cliques
--14+ Interest-based friendships
-- Universal Acceptance
*How to help her be herself and not a pleaser:
--DO 1. Love with no strings attached, don't say I love you to a behavior/performance
2. Allow and accept a range of behavior, not too narrow in expectations, allow risks and mistakes
3. Its how you play the game, value of success and failure
--DON'T 1. Don't see her as an extension of you or a possesion, be careful of "I want her to..."
2. Don't set the motivation trap, using your love to reinforce pleasing behavior on purpose is not good
3. Don't let your pendulum swing too far, have guidelines/limits
I skipped all the tween/teen stuff since I'm not there yet.
October 19, 2009
An engaging look at the physiological and psychological inner workings of a girl. Very insightful chapters on layering life experiences, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, society's expectations including girls being "pleasers" and the danger of that, and the magic of doing. Especially loved the Pearls of Wisdom summary boxes at the end of each chapter. Took to heart the advice that 2nd grade girls try out friends like flavors of the day (21-flavors Baskin Robbins), and why that is good. Highly recommend for any parent with an elementary-aged girl!
Read
October 13, 2010i attended a seminar on the neurobiology of girls given by dr. deak in november 2007 and was enlightened and impressed. there is so much to know about the ways our brains function. she has specialized and written about adolescent neurobiology in particular, which is especially useful to me as i teach teenage girls. hearing and reading her, i also feel like i am learning about myself.
October 3, 2019
This is an excellent book. It has lots of practical advice built on solid principles. Definitely would recommend. The only reason it is 4 stars rather than 5 is that the author attempts to incorporate science and even math without really seeming to understand what she is talking about (or at least she does not communicate her understanding of the complexity of the topics and gives a "popsci" feel to some parts)
September 6, 2018
This is a book that all mothers of girls needs to read! I wish I'd read it sooner, but I will definitely apply what I've learned going forward.
Want to Read
August 23, 2020AIS book Club/ recommendation 2003
May 9, 2009
To be honest, I never had the chance to finish reading this book. I got about halfway through before I needed to give it back to the woman who'd loaned it to me, and I haven't had the chance to revisit it.
I read through the author's analysis of pre-teens - tweens, she called them - and the information I read up to that point was interesting and enlightening. I was a young girl once, I was there, I lived through it. But my experience was and will be very different from my daughter's. I lived in a different time than she does; what I was exposed to was dramatically different from what she'll see and encounter in life.
The part that struck me the most from what I read was the fact that with tweens and teens, the seemingly inability to get through to them isn't because they're choosing not to listen, but rather because their brains aren't capable of processing what adults are preaching. The adolescent brain isn't fully-formed, no matter how adult a girl may think she is. A parent can talk until she's blue in the face, but if that child isn't capable of understanding what's being said, it literally goes in one ear and out the other.
There was a lot of important information that JoAnn Deak presented in this book. This is one that I will probably buy a copy of and re-read as my daughter reaches these new stages in life. Any tool that will help Tony and I guide her through to adulthood is to be considered. Now I just need to find an equally informative book about how to raise boys!
I read through the author's analysis of pre-teens - tweens, she called them - and the information I read up to that point was interesting and enlightening. I was a young girl once, I was there, I lived through it. But my experience was and will be very different from my daughter's. I lived in a different time than she does; what I was exposed to was dramatically different from what she'll see and encounter in life.
The part that struck me the most from what I read was the fact that with tweens and teens, the seemingly inability to get through to them isn't because they're choosing not to listen, but rather because their brains aren't capable of processing what adults are preaching. The adolescent brain isn't fully-formed, no matter how adult a girl may think she is. A parent can talk until she's blue in the face, but if that child isn't capable of understanding what's being said, it literally goes in one ear and out the other.
There was a lot of important information that JoAnn Deak presented in this book. This is one that I will probably buy a copy of and re-read as my daughter reaches these new stages in life. Any tool that will help Tony and I guide her through to adulthood is to be considered. Now I just need to find an equally informative book about how to raise boys!
January 19, 2009
I'm going to go ahead with my review even though I still have about 40 pages left...
I worry a lot about how to help my girls grow up to be strong and confident in today's world. I worry about losing touch with them when they become teens and I worry about how to still be a parent but to give them room to grow and develop their own opinons and strength and lives. I had hoped this book would teach me something about what I can expect and how to be a better parent for them-now and later.
Let me say that I don't usually read nonfiction. I just can't get into it, but I found this one pretty interesting. It was written by a girls' school's psychologist and (from what I can ascertain) headmistress at one point. She was funny, antecdotal, and honest about combining her research with studies on girls and her own observations. I think she makes some very interesting points and gives some pretty helpful advice. I am feeling a bit better equiped to understand what happens with girls, how new studies are suggesting that their brains work, and how I can help them and teach them-not just in their teen years, but even now. Building a "strudel" of experiences (as she calls it) that will help us better understand and rely on each other later in life. I would highly recommend this book to other parents of girls.
I worry a lot about how to help my girls grow up to be strong and confident in today's world. I worry about losing touch with them when they become teens and I worry about how to still be a parent but to give them room to grow and develop their own opinons and strength and lives. I had hoped this book would teach me something about what I can expect and how to be a better parent for them-now and later.
Let me say that I don't usually read nonfiction. I just can't get into it, but I found this one pretty interesting. It was written by a girls' school's psychologist and (from what I can ascertain) headmistress at one point. She was funny, antecdotal, and honest about combining her research with studies on girls and her own observations. I think she makes some very interesting points and gives some pretty helpful advice. I am feeling a bit better equiped to understand what happens with girls, how new studies are suggesting that their brains work, and how I can help them and teach them-not just in their teen years, but even now. Building a "strudel" of experiences (as she calls it) that will help us better understand and rely on each other later in life. I would highly recommend this book to other parents of girls.
June 4, 2014
There are several gems of wisdom contained in this book. It can certainly help parents to refrain from being overly reactive; most situations, however emotionally charged they appear at the moment, do tend to resolve themselves. It can help parents to understand that quite often they should not resolve problems for their daughters but rather ask the right guiding questions to help them determine their own course. It can also help parents to identify where they might be on the spectrum of relationship with daughters: disconnected/synergy/enmeshed and take corrective measures in their actions and communications.
The description on page 58 of the perils of engaging in excessive praise should be required reading for many parents.
Training do's and don'ts (pp. 236 ff.) are also helpful in the effort not to raise girls to be compliant people-pleasers. Educators have been instructed that when students engage in destructive behaviors, we should tell students that we are "disappointed in their choices;" this provides an alternative that might be more constructive.
There are degrees of sensitivity on the continuum. The behaviors described and advocated by this book are on the far end, which may be exactly what some readers are seeking.
Recommended for parenting collections in schools and public libraries.
The description on page 58 of the perils of engaging in excessive praise should be required reading for many parents.
Training do's and don'ts (pp. 236 ff.) are also helpful in the effort not to raise girls to be compliant people-pleasers. Educators have been instructed that when students engage in destructive behaviors, we should tell students that we are "disappointed in their choices;" this provides an alternative that might be more constructive.
There are degrees of sensitivity on the continuum. The behaviors described and advocated by this book are on the far end, which may be exactly what some readers are seeking.
Recommended for parenting collections in schools and public libraries.
April 23, 2009
Imagine sitting down with the earnest and apple-cheeked school counselor of your middle school. She reassures you that you're completely normal, makes a few embarrassing comments, pats your knee, and you leave rolling your eyes a little, but feeling like you can manage another day.
That's the tone of this book-- goofy platitudes and dumb alliterative mnemonics disguising quite a bit of good information on girls' social and emotional development.
It talks a little about young girls and their brains, but spends the bulk of the book on tweens and teens.
I'm coming away from this book with this basic advice: try and see things from the girl's perspective, negotiate the gray (there are no black and white answers), and spend not just quality time but serious quantity time with her.
Also, understanding the alarming things that are happening in her brain can help parents and teachers be more sympathetic and patient.
That's the tone of this book-- goofy platitudes and dumb alliterative mnemonics disguising quite a bit of good information on girls' social and emotional development.
It talks a little about young girls and their brains, but spends the bulk of the book on tweens and teens.
I'm coming away from this book with this basic advice: try and see things from the girl's perspective, negotiate the gray (there are no black and white answers), and spend not just quality time but serious quantity time with her.
Also, understanding the alarming things that are happening in her brain can help parents and teachers be more sympathetic and patient.
August 6, 2017
This book has been rather instructive and enlightening! Having gone through this myself, I was able to reflect upon past stages of growth as well as work through my current stage of growth in the physical, emotional, and social arenas. Understanding the fundamental differences between the genders, understanding the impact parents and same sex friends have on one girl is so vital. These are the fundamental building blocks of a girl.
Until a girl is mentally and emotionally independent from her parents, and has finely developed social behavior, this book is critical to understanding a girl and for guiding her through the different stages of growth.
If you have a girl, please read this book and properly take care of her. Love her, grow her, and she'll make a wonderful addition to our world.
Until a girl is mentally and emotionally independent from her parents, and has finely developed social behavior, this book is critical to understanding a girl and for guiding her through the different stages of growth.
If you have a girl, please read this book and properly take care of her. Love her, grow her, and she'll make a wonderful addition to our world.
December 12, 2009
I heard JoAnn speak at a conference and thought she was quite brilliant (and very, very witty). Read part of this when I got it a few years ago and have now put it in the bathroom to be read in short stints.
UPDATE
Not the quickest way to read a book, but I found so much of this thought-provoking and useful. As the mother of a not always very confident young teen and dorm mother to scores of other girls over the years, I was eager to lap up all the suggestions. I loved the idea of the biking project she talks about at the end. Now if I were only able to put into practice all the great theories I read about....
UPDATE
Not the quickest way to read a book, but I found so much of this thought-provoking and useful. As the mother of a not always very confident young teen and dorm mother to scores of other girls over the years, I was eager to lap up all the suggestions. I loved the idea of the biking project she talks about at the end. Now if I were only able to put into practice all the great theories I read about....
July 5, 2012
I heard this author on a podcast say that she is always available for specific advice by email and she sounded pretty smart so I figured I'd read her book. It was good but not great. I liked the way she explains why you shouldn't discuss things when your emotions are running high. The part of your brain responsible for emotions was evolved to enable you to run from a bear and discussing anything during a bear attack is probably not a great idea, even if the bear attack is only an argument about the dishes.
February 7, 2017
At times wordy and convoluted, still worth the read if you have girls. Some good issues to think about and be aware of, especially into the tween/teen years.
February 2, 2022
I discovered this book when my daughters were preschool age. It is full of the practical advice I crave; much better than reading a pretentious parenting magazine or "Queen Bees and Wannabes". Her writing is geared for people like me who do not understand medical jargon. I enjoyed her stages of girls' social structure, where she is completely spot-on. I loved the "31 Flavors " of friendship & the description of girls' groups as "amoebas". Dr. Deak provides real world examples of interactions between girls.
I have written emails to Dr. Deak through the years and she has always written back.
I have written emails to Dr. Deak through the years and she has always written back.
September 3, 2009
i finally finished this book!!! it was one that put me to sleep every night...but yet i gleaned a lot of good info. i would have liked to hear more resolutions...there were a lot of questions and good ones that came up but she didn't get into specifics of handling certain situations instead gave tools for any situation. so it was helpful but required more work on my part (thus the sleep induced coma i experienced with each chapter) :)
March 9, 2010
I just couldn't make it through this one. I haven't had much time to read lately, and I've been renewing this from the library over and over. I gave up. It didn't interest me as much as I thougth it would, and the author's language got on my nerves. Maybe I'll return to it someday, since I hate leaving a book unfinished once I've read part of it. I just finished chapter 2 (I made it really far, didn't I?), so I'll pick up there someday . . . maybe.
May 9, 2012
Borrowed from the library but one I plan to buy and refer to often.
This book is the most insightful, thoughtful, realistic, and in a way, instructive book on raising girls I've read thus far. It needs an update, and a chapter on social media/internet/online bullying, but is otherwise the perfect guide to raising girls.
It covers ages 2 thru 20 and beyond. It deals with academic, social issues, family issues, health issues.
This book is the most insightful, thoughtful, realistic, and in a way, instructive book on raising girls I've read thus far. It needs an update, and a chapter on social media/internet/online bullying, but is otherwise the perfect guide to raising girls.
It covers ages 2 thru 20 and beyond. It deals with academic, social issues, family issues, health issues.
June 18, 2013
I wanted to find a book on what to emotionally and socially expect from my daughter as she grows so I can know what is normal, how to foster her growth, and when I need to call in for reinforcements. To my relief, I am no longer as leery about the tween and teenage years. I would strongly recommend this book to anyone who has a daughter in the midst of "growing up". I will probably end up buying the book for my own reference (I borrowed it from the library for my first reading).
April 17, 2014
It wasn't bad, but I can't recommend it either, although it would certainly be more relevant to parents of older girls (middle school and up). It tried to be too many things and ended up not being much at all. The best parts were the discussions of peer social structures and how to understand them at different ages. That should have been a book in itself, because the rest felt like fluff, and I learned very little from the book that I didn't already know on some level.
July 2, 2014
I accidentally checked out this book thinking it was going to be biographical, rather than clinical. Written in 2003, there is probably newer research. A bit long-winded … perhaps valuable to one who might feel stymied by the many issues around raising a strong, empowered (particularly pre-teen and teen) girl. My take away from this book is: don't do too much for her and really, really listen. Could easily apply to boys in the same age group, in my opinion.
January 4, 2017
I actually thought Dr. Deak did a good job of integrating her experience with lots and lots of adolescent girls with her practical knowledge and her ability to regurgitate that information. I liked this book a lot and though it is not a Christian based book about raising girls, it doesn't have to be if the message and the lessons are sound and practical. I found that for the most part, I was on the same page with her when it comes to raising daughters.
August 4, 2009
a lot of good material and sources, but a lot of common sense as well. good quick read. i had to read it for my school that I am working at, and it turned out to be worth it. sometimes attributed qualities only to girls that can be very strongly attributed to boys as well, and some biological assumptions pass over sociological possibilities, but in general, quite good.
September 21, 2009
This book is fantastic! Every parent, teacher, {insert title} that works with girls should read this book! It does more than explain the stages girls go through, it explains why they are necessary, and an important part of a girl's growth. Truly, this is a timeless book that can bring insight and clarity to any adult. I loved the chapters geared specifically to moms and one to dads.
April 27, 2010
While it was a good reminder of how to be a good parent, I thought it applied to both girls and boys. I really didn't feel like I learned anything new, but I did like the reminder. One thing I didn't like was her writing style. She says "I'll address this later in the book a lot" and therefore the book felt very fragmented and didn't flow very well.
January 8, 2011
A lot of good advice, especially for those of us without the perspective of having been a girl growing up. But, as this reviewer put it, the author's creative naming of developmental stages became a bit annoying, but was tolerable and applicable. Overall, it was informative and insightful.
July 10, 2013
It wasn't as "humorous" as one comment claimed it to be, and it took me awhile to get into it. However, there are some excellent ideas I took away from it in regards to helping and loving a teenage girl. Although it was dry and a bit boring at times, I'm really grateful for the information I learned from it.
November 6, 2008
great book on navigating today's tricky world raising girls. I would highly recommend as I am in unchartered water each and every day with my 7 year old. This book has helped me understand what's going on and better yet what will go on.....
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December 17, 2022I have heard the author speak and she will be coming to Dallas again this year. Very interesting information about the way we raise our daughters. Can't rate it yet as I am still in the middle of it.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews