Empowered Boundaries: Speaking Truth, Setting Boundaries, and Inspiring Social Change

by Cristien Storm

As there have been increases in violence against women, people of color, immigrants, and LGBTQI-identified people, there has been a corresponding demand for individual and community self-defense, boundary setting, and bystander trainings that are grounded in an understanding of the complexities and intersections of power and privilege.

Survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault are reporting that the current political moment is bringing up past trauma as well as emboldening attitudes of toxic masculinity and hetero-patriarchy, alongside an increase in incidents of violence and abuse. Boundary setting that is grounded in an understanding of gender-based oppression, violence, and liberation is necessary.

Explaining power and privilege and the links between individual safety and community safety, Cristien Storm shows how to set emotional boundaries that build a better world. Storm has developed boundary setting curricula grounded in resiliency and trauma-informed theories, and the book provides skills and exercises, such as Naming the Behavior, the Broken Record, Freeze Framing, the Reflective Loop, and Trusting Intuition, as well as examples from workshop participants.

Building vibrant social movements means understanding the links between individual safety and community safety. Boundary setting can be used, not just as a means for personal safety, but as form of solidarity, resistance, and inspiration for the future we keep fighting for.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Social Justice, Mental Health, Personal Development

208 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2018

Reviews

[Corvus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Something that frequently goes through my head when reading various self-help books is the phrase, "must be nice." As in, "it must be nice to have the privilege and/or luxury to do (xyz.)" Many self-help books reflect the dominant culture or demographics which leads many of them to fall short. Different people experience the world in different ways based on how they are positioned in society. One of the best things about Cristien Storm's "Empowered Boundaries: Speaking Truth, Setting Boundaries, and Inspiring Social Change" is the author's intimate understanding of and connection with the great diversity of human experience.

Boundaries are something I have struggled with endlessly and I sought this book out in hopes it would give me more of a backbone and better communication skills. I did not expect it to be as relatable as it was. I didn't realize from the name that Cristien Storm is one of the founders of the group Home Alive which formed after the brutal assault and murder of a close friend. Storm not only has personal connections with oppression, but has educated herself about things she may not suffer personally. These things help create a book that includes the premise that societal oppression is intimately linked with boundaries. We all have power in some situations and lack it in others, thus there are always power dynamics at play in all of our interactions. As she states near the end of the book, "power cannot be communicated away." Thus, she offers a wide range of tools to navigate boundaries while also navigating human interactions in the real world.

I do think this book will be received best by people at least slightly on board with leftist ideas of collective liberation (i.e. people who at least believe oppression exists and have an introductory understanding of it.) There is a central theme of the issues with individualist, victim blaming culture vs creating supportive and functional communities. Storm communicates how setting boundaries can foster community-wide change for the better.

Something that adds a very human touch to the book, among all of the deep discussions of oppression dynamics and complicated social interaction, is the real anecdotes peppered throughout. Storm uses groups and interactions she has had over the years to give the reader examples of each concept as she goes along. These anecdotes represent a wide variety of voices, allowing her to better explore the nuance of these topics. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for boundary setting, self defense, communication, conflict resolution, or any other human interaction.

Storm is very thoughtful with her use of language and it shows. I could tell throughout the book that she made an effort not to leave anyone behind. She regularly brings up how one experience or technique will work for one person but not another. There are a number of helpful exercises included at the end so that people can practice and figure out what works best for them. Storm is also exceedingly kind and highlights the importance of being gentle with ourselves. This was especially evident in discussions of survivors who thought they didn't do enough to defend themselves or others. Storm re-frames things to help people focus on all of the things they did do to survive, once again breaking through patriarchal, victim blaming ideas that are internalized by many if not all people, feminist or not.

After reading this book, I feel like I have a much better understanding of boundaries and how to create and communicate them. I believe that if this book was not written from such a radical perspective, I would not have gained so much from it. I have been able to assess things throughout my life that make more sense now. I have a much better idea of how I can handle boundary setting in the future. It really brought the point home that boundaries are a critical aspect of all relationships. As the saying goes, "good fences make good neighbors."

This review was also posted to my blog.

[lala · Rating 3 out of 5]

This text covered a lot of ground from dealing with assault and violence to setting boundaries with friends, but it doesn’t go into anything too deeply, and is sometimes sloppy and abstract. Unfortunately it is not explicitly anti-state and anti-capitalist enough, presumably because of its ties to nonprofits. I appreciated the touching on social justice, destigmatizing survivors, radical acceptance, and a reminder to be resourced. I appreciated the reminder that we can make real room for being compassionate to people as they emotionally react to our boundaries without changing our boundaries.

[jessiah marielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

quite a handful of actionable, useful, and practical advice for when setting boundaries with others, which was what i came in for :) i.e. how to be compassionate to others’ reactions to your boundaries without changing them or doubting why you set them.

[Kiki Tapiero · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book discusses boundaries from a perspective of transformative justice, the only book I've ever seen do so. What I wanted from this book was a way of determining how to determine boundaries for myself and how to enforce them. Of course, this is a very complicated and individual process - the author provides lots of validating/helpful examples, questions to ask yourself, and mentalities to use while navigating boundaries. The reality is that there will never be a book that tells you exactly what to do and what's right for you - so this book does as good as it can given the complicated process that boundary setting is. It was really validating to read because it let me know that I was on the right track in all of this. It was inspiring to think of safe spaces as microcosms of a future where racism, homophobia, etc is never allowed anywhere. She very well situated herself within her identity and had a beautiful critique of self-defense classes and carceral culture. She leaves on an inspiring note of radical acceptance and boundaries as the key to creating your most joyful life and world around you. The book isn't perfect- I did feel a little uncomfortable at some points where she used parenting as an example of setting boundaries and at some points it feels a little repetitive. But overall, this is the best book I've read on boundaries and self-help, and would highly recommend - especially for folks just embarking on their journey of setting boundaries. I would have loved to read this during college or right after college, as this book pretty much summarizes things I had to eventually discover for myself - eg., the importance of compassion in setting boundaries, using a reflective loop (like from a therapist or other support system) to fine tune your intuition, and even how to find a support community that works for you.

[Aime' · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very good also covering many topics surrounding boundaries/boundary setting, but is fairly academic and thus may be bit of a slog for those whom are not educators or community leaders/activists. It does have exercises and additional resources in the back, good for those looking to go further or lead workshops.
And though it is in my opinion worth the time, if you are looking for a more personal, practical, and easily accessible read on boundaries, I suggest the work of Dr. Faith Harper. She has books and zines specifically about boundaries, relationships, adulting, and more, all available at Microcosm Publishing, microcosmpublishing.com.

[Rabbit {Paint me like one of your 19th century gothic heroines!} · Rating 4 out of 5]

Need to review

[Jenni · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought it was very good. Gave practical advice around boundaries with steps you can take to think through your thoughts. I thought a lot of the advice could be used for more than just creating boundaries. The exercises in the back of the book are great.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book on boundaries I've ever read (and I've read a couple). This is one of those books I'd just like every human to read, as a helpful guide to being a better human.

[Lara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a look how we establish boundaries and the considerations that determine how we uphold our own boundaries. The book has basically four main "skills" that are repeated throughout the book. The book does a decent job of bringing up under considered issues such as power dynamics that arise from gender, race, and disabilities. It is also exceptionally contemporary in the examples chosen.

There were some issues. The book feels as though it was written in chunks or by different authors at different times. In the first half, the chapters are exceptionally short, the grammar is tight yet the pages are riddled with personal stories, to the tune of two and sometimes three per page! The personal testimonies become a bit nauseating in their overuse. The second half the book, however, is completely devoid of personal stories. The grammar is a bit sloppy with single paragraphs spilling over multiple pages. One thing does remain the same: the redundant writing. The reader would be smartly advised to only read every page of every other chapter to get the same message. In one instance, I found nearly the exact same sentence written in multiple places in the book each pretending to be a new idea.

Lastly, I will say this book is very Seattle. It is absolutely a product of the culture in Seattle and for anyone living in this region, it would be easy to guess nearly every biographical detail of the author's life.

In summation, it is a very good book that probably should have been edited another round or two and had a second author. Still very much worth the read and I will absolutely recommend it!

[❄Elsa Frost❄ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Update: February 23, 2019
Can I just emphasize what a life saver this one was for me recently?? Gosh, I love this book a LOT now. I'm upping this 1 star for that. <3

Review from January 14, 2019
I think this was very well-written and considerate of how everyone will have a different perspective of boundaries and will set up different boundaries depending on their background, their experiences, etc. Like the author states, there's no one-size-fits-all. For example, I, as a Latina, am veryaccustomed to hearing people speak loudly, and so I don't mind it. Whereas I've met others who do mind when people speak loudly and set up boundaries about that. We're all different.

What I think could have made this book better (and maybe I somehow skimmed over it, though I don't recall it being mentioned in this book) would be if this book addressed how we will set up different boundaries for different relationships or lack thereof. For example, my boundaries for a stranger will probably not apply to my boundaries for a friend. I will most likely refuse a hug from a stranger, but I may be more likely to accept a hug from a friend. Everyone is different on this, and I kinda wished this book expanded on how these relationships can bring up very different boundaries, and these boundaries may be loosened or vanished depending on the closeness of the person in our lives. If Cristien Storm brought this up and I forgot, my sincerest apologies for the inconvenience. If not already mentioned, this could probably help give some ideas for a possible second edition? Maybe?

[Kally · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had many interesting points, but it wasn't quite what I thought it was going to be.

[Julene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cristien Storm is one of the original founders of Home Alive; after a friend of hers was picked up in a van, raped and murdered then dumped by the side of the road, her and friends took action. (Years later he was tracked down due to DNA tests and got sentenced.) Not only did they fight back for women, but also against white supremists. This organization nurtured physical and emotional strength through the work of setting boundaries, towards social change.
The book is filled with useful tools and information, including exercises at the end of the book. Like any good social justice work it takes the blame off the victim and places it where it needs to go, on changing those who rape.
She asks the question, "What are some things you have been told will keep you safe?" Frequently the onus is on the victim, and what she or he could have done, which induces shame, in fact the responsibility has to be on the abuser. We need to change the climate & culture where we tell the abuser: Don't rape. Don't abuse. Don't violate. With strong voices and force behind it.
A therapist, Cristien Storm brings in elements from DBT, Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, as well as clear steps: Name the behavior, Give a directive (either a positive directive or a command), be a Broken Record, and End the interaction. AND, she reminds us how important it is to look at what the person in the situation did right. Stop the blaming. Stop the should haves. An important book that is necessary in our world. Women are abused everywhere, in fact, on a recent list of countries that are most dangerous to women, the USA is number 10 of 10 listed. Buy this book, read it and pass it on.
The only thing I wish the book had is an index and possibly some drawings to illustrate some of the concepts, which is why I gave it four stars and not five.

[Susan Mawdsley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciated that only a small portion of the book was dedicated to the “how” of setting boundaries and the rest of the book was dedicated to the discernment required in setting and evaluating the boundaries afterwards. The book also put boundary setting within the larger context of situations and the social structure around us - highlighting how unconscious bias and social constructs can influence boundary setting and how individual boundaries also open the door for support of these for all in the larger community.

The book grappled with great questions [in my simplified words - these are not chapter headings or titles from the book] such as: do I have the right to have this boundary, what happens if someone doesn’t like the boundary, how do I know that this boundary is okay, does this boundary really help me accomplish what I want it to accomplish, when is there room for flexibility and agreement, how I do handle situations where people have crossed boundaries or when we have done so to others, can we safely repair situations where boundaries have been crossed, how does a fear based lens itself to victim blaming, how do we handle situations where we’re reflecting on times we didn’t think we handled situations properly, what is the effect of power in boundary setting, was my boundary unclear and that’s why it was crossed (victim blaming) - and on and on.

All in all, I give the book a 5 star rating on content but settled on 4 stars because I found the last half a bit jumbled and thought it could have done with some editing to tighten it up, avoid some repetition, and structure it so it was easier to tie the relationship of the sub titled sections into the supporting chapter. I had thought I was tired the first time I read the second half and that’s why I struggled but I re-read the second half and came to the same conclusion. I had to work at some of it. Again, fantastic content.

[Lily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m thinking more 4.5 stars versus 5 but it’s solid enough that I rounded up.

Really the reason for the half star is just that I loved Set Boundaries, Find Peace SO much. This is an amazing book but would necessarily be my number 1 go to for a boundary book.

However, this book was SO powerful. I loved how it revealed boundaries as a way to support society instead of just an individual issue. The author really brought in a lot of real life concepts and issues. I found this text so powerful, and I frequently took breaks (even up to a week) between chapters to really give myself time to internalize and consider the messages.

The end-of-book exercises are amazing and I don’t want to say “this book is worth it just for those” because there is a wealth of information. But also the exercises certainly bolster the value of this text!

Also I used up my highlighter reading this book if that tells you anything.

[Blair · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book on boundaries that acknowledges how power dynamics can and does change the boundaries you can set, acknowledges that the world isn't a pretty place, and that sometimes surviving is the boundary we need to set. It also acknowledges that we may over or under set a boundary, and discusses how or why we may wish to adjust those boundaries.

A number of books that speak about and to boundaries do so with a Christian religious tact, and are off-putting for folks who don't subscribe to a Christian-based faith or have suffered abuse at the hands of someone who used their faith to justify their crimes, as it were. I appreciate that this book avoids that altogether, and I feel that it is a powerful addition to anyone's social toolbox.

It's a solid book.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book that goes way beyond boundary setting. It should be required reading for organizers and people in therapy. As someone who was raised with no boundaries, and has suffered from both violations of mine and from violating other people’s, I can say I learned a lot and felt loved and held by this book.

I think what really sets this book apart (and where I was literally cheering) was when Storm goes into transformative justice, radical acceptance, and solidarity (the last few chapters before the exercises). I took a photo of the daffodils story. I hadn’t heard it but it’s a keeper and worth repeating as Storm said. 🌼

[Kamala · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a timely read for me. Boundary setting, I’m learning, is a skill that can be better developed. It’s a skill that I am strong in some situations, and incredibly poor in others. There are a lot of good examples as you work through important techniques for both setting, holding and negotiating a boundary.

Additionally, there is a focus on societal influences and how they impact the way we exist and set or don’t set boundaries.

I will continue to lean on Empowered Boundaries as I build my skill set, and come back to it to help me grow and acknowledge my progress.

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love that this book discusses boundaries from viewpoints beyond those of wealthy white women. I like that it discusses boundaries as they relate to community. The book does get repetitive though and wish it included more in depth examples of setting boundaries in romantic relationships where you are trying to set a boundary without alienating the other person, including situations involving sex.

[Camille Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books I've read on the subject of boundaries. It takes into account the experience of marginalized people and community work. It also goes beyond "saying no", even from an affirmative place. It breaks down the aspects of boundaries and made me realize it was about connecting with yourself, is cyclical and can be enhanced by a strong support system.

[Ian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Appreciated the affirmatively political and progressive ethos and perspective the book brought to issues of boundaries and self-care, but as a whole it felt sort of slight and unfocused. I would have a appreciated if Storm had gone deeper with fewer topics instead of jumping between so many short chapters.

[Susan]

An excellent read, but so jam packed that I had to read very slowly and take lots of time to digest. I could see it being great with an accompanying workbook. Without it, it might be easy to sail on past the many important and revolutionary points!

[Victoria (Latte Nights Reviews) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really great book about what boundaries are and why they're important. The book gave a lot of information about boundaries, and made me see certain things as boundaries in a different way. I would definitely recommend this book to everyone because boundaries are so, so important.

[Austin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A solid personal growth book that empowers the reader with tools for exploring boundary setting. An interesting aspect of this book is the link between personal boundary setting (and personal safety) with wider social and community boundary setting (and safety).

[Inevitable_choice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with a very broad range of examples of different boundaries we need to set in our lives. First book about boundaries I've read that acknowledged power imbalance and background when it comes to negotiating boundaries.

[Karl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gives me a lot to reflect on. The tools and messages in this book are important. I need to read this again

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good information with a little repetition and a big focus on survivors of abuse or assault; would recommend for someone already working through a feminist lense

[Hanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

LOVE this topic, but I had a somewhat difficult time paying attention to the writing.

[Krista · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Definitely gave me new things to think about.

[Irini]

DNF-d this one. I wasn't getting anything out of it and it was so repetitive, it felt painful to read.

[Lyrica Jensen Maldonado · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5