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Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond
Using the vivid, poignant and personal stories of the members of a website support group she founded (www.depressionfallout.com), Anne Sheffield, the author of two highly acclaimed books on depression, provides an honest record of what happens to a love relationship once depression enters the picture, and offers solid advice on what the non–depressed partner can do to improve his or her own life and the relationship. Of the millions of people who suffer from a depressive illness, few suffer in solitude. They draw the people they love – spouses, parents, children, lovers, friends – into their illness. In her first book, H ow You Can Survive When They're Depressed , Anne Sheffield coined the phrase 'depression fallout' to describe the emotional toll on the depressive's family and close friends who are unaware of their own stressful reactions and needs. She outlined the five stages of depression fallout (confusion, self–doubt, demoralisation, anger, and the need to escape) and explained that these reactions are a natural result of living with a depressed person.
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2003
107 people are currently reading
313 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
March 18, 2018
Reading this book was helpful in that it drew a clear picture of what causes depressed people to act the way they do, reassured me that my experiences are not unique, and reinforced some aspects of things I'm already trying to do. That said, one of the main things I got out of this book was that my situation is not all that bad. Many couples are in much worse off and much harder places than I am when it comes to one of them being depressed.
I did not like that the author puts a heavy emphasis on drug-based treatment. It is a strong theme throughout the book, and she basically claims that it's impossible to get better or for a relationship to survive unless the depressed person seeks this sort of treatment. I am highly skeptical of psychiatric drugs and I don't appreciate being told that there's no hope if one does not go this route. I don't doubt that they have helped plenty of people, but I do doubt that they are a cure-all, I am wary of the side-effects (including multiple situations I have heard of where being on or switching medication caused someone to become increasingly suicidal) and I question the claim they are the only way to get through depression. Of course depression means that chemicals and neurotransmitters in the brain are doing something different from in non-depressed people, but that does not mean that the only way that can change is through drugs. It bothered me that the author did not even consider the possibility that drug-based treatment may not be the right solution for everyone.
My other criticism is that there were fewer really practical, hands-on suggestions for how to communicate with a depressed partner than I was expecting. Overall, the book was a bit denser than I expected and based largely on stories and anecdotes. Recommendations of how to behave were buried rather than clearly pulled out and highlighted.
All in all, it is a useful book to get a deeper understanding and reassurance as the partner of a depressed spouse, but it is not the most practical book for my needs, and it should not be seen as the last word on depression treatment.
I did not like that the author puts a heavy emphasis on drug-based treatment. It is a strong theme throughout the book, and she basically claims that it's impossible to get better or for a relationship to survive unless the depressed person seeks this sort of treatment. I am highly skeptical of psychiatric drugs and I don't appreciate being told that there's no hope if one does not go this route. I don't doubt that they have helped plenty of people, but I do doubt that they are a cure-all, I am wary of the side-effects (including multiple situations I have heard of where being on or switching medication caused someone to become increasingly suicidal) and I question the claim they are the only way to get through depression. Of course depression means that chemicals and neurotransmitters in the brain are doing something different from in non-depressed people, but that does not mean that the only way that can change is through drugs. It bothered me that the author did not even consider the possibility that drug-based treatment may not be the right solution for everyone.
My other criticism is that there were fewer really practical, hands-on suggestions for how to communicate with a depressed partner than I was expecting. Overall, the book was a bit denser than I expected and based largely on stories and anecdotes. Recommendations of how to behave were buried rather than clearly pulled out and highlighted.
All in all, it is a useful book to get a deeper understanding and reassurance as the partner of a depressed spouse, but it is not the most practical book for my needs, and it should not be seen as the last word on depression treatment.
August 5, 2019
I found this book to be very helpful. The author has a history of depression herself and grew up with a depressed mother--therefore she has been on both sides of the fence. The author probably has enough knowledge to share just in her own experiences. However she takes the extra step of utilizing message board posts (based on her previous book about depression) from countless people who have a depressed loved one. I found these stories the most helpful because they made me feel like I wasn't alone. She also does a great job of explaining depression in layman terms. I plan on referencing this book often in the future and would absolutely recommend it to anyone who has a loved one (especially a significant other) that suffers from depression. Depression is an awful disease--but the people who help these depressed individuals along the way need some TLC as well. I feel like this book is a good starting point.
March 4, 2016
I'm pretty split on this book. On the one hand, there is some good advice on how to cope with someone else's depression, but on the other hand, Sheffield is very focused on getting everyone into treatment and therefore doesn't offer much advice for living with non-compliant depressives. There is some discussion of codependency and how fallout suffers tend to follow the same emotional curves as depressives, which made it doubly difficult to tell if I'm fallout or a depressive too. I also liked how this book mined experiences shared on the message board instead of case studies from the couch but I was disappointed the website has long since disappeared. (I know it's over ten years old, but I also know of message boards that are still going that long.) Regardless, I really can't say if it will help anyone else beyond knowing you're not alone. I got a few tips, but I don't feel comfortable setting strict boundaries through ultimatums. I just wish I could find a better book on this topic.
November 3, 2013
Outstanding book, I read it in a day, this book is a must for anyone loving someone who has depression (aware of it or in denial) - it might save not only your sanity but possibly the relationship. The depressed partner may find value in this book too. This book will validate so much for you on what is avert hard journey, cannot recommend it enough.
December 20, 2016
This book was so helpful for anyone dealing with a depressed person in their life. Not only does it offer some practical tips on how to deal with the crummy situations, but it had countless examples of how other have navigated this path before and what steps worked best for them. I can't recommend this book enough as it has been so very helpful.
December 8, 2021
Profound read. Having a spouse of 15 years with depression, who has only recently been diagnosed, I'm sad I didn't know about this book years ago. It was eye opening. I don't write in books, as a rule, but I highlighted page after page of this book. I cried as I read, as it felt as someone was writing my exact experience. Highly recommend this for anyone who has a partner with depression.
June 12, 2011
Very good insight through personal experiences of living with individuals suffering the many types of depression. Gets into some technical language, but highly readable.
June 18, 2014
So far this is one of the best books I have read about depression. It is very practical and speaks from relationships to medications. Deeply recommend it!
January 10, 2020
Read this cover to cover in one evening. It is basically the author’s take on the 5 stages that spouses/loved ones of depressed people probably go through when they are the caretakers. 5 stars because I find this book to be a torch in a dark tunnel, with helpful pointers to valuable resources (the forum being one of it) and although the style of writing can be long-winded, the quotes and insights she pulled both from other contributors on her forum and her own experience creates a sense that we, the caretakers are all going through somewhat relatable experience. Having this knowledge alone helps to provide some strength and relief.
April 7, 2023
Very helpful book that had good tips for living with someone who can become severely depressed. I didn’t read the last part about possibly deciding to leave, as I am committed to my marriage and thankful for his mental health wholeness again.
May 15, 2025
Weird book in that it is mostly paraphrasing message board threads.
October 8, 2016
First thing I should mention- the forum frequently mentioned still exists, just not at the URL it was at in 2003 (which happens- I know several online communities have moved addresses over the past decade). You can find the Depression Fallout community here. Future editions of this book should update URLs and the web resources list.
This book was not for me- I am the depressed partner, not the one experiencing fallout. It was recommended to me by a counselor as something for my partner & I to read when I mentioned that sometimes my partner says he doesn't understand my sense of sadness & self-loathing. I read it first because it's hard to split a book between two people.
It is a useful book in that the experiences of various anonymous posters show that you're not alone, and that a community can be useful for navigating through the ups and downs of relationships with depressed/manic depressed individuals. It illuminated for me some of the reasons why a previous relationship of mine failed, though again every relationship is different and I am somewhat skeptical about drawing conclusions from a self-selecting forum population.
The reasons I *don't* like the book aren't about content- on the contrary, I find this topic very important. Rather, the writing reminds me of an older person not used to the internet- E-mail, Web site, and Message Board are always capitalized as if they're proper nouns; in the introduction Sheffield expresses surprise and delight that people came together and formed a community online; etc. On one hand, that can be explained as the nature of the internet in 2003 and earlier (myspace came into existence that year), but to a modern reader it seems outdated. I am also skeptical of using anecdotes from a forum as evidence, but if we can have books derived from reddit AMAs, I guess it's valid.
This book was not for me- I am the depressed partner, not the one experiencing fallout. It was recommended to me by a counselor as something for my partner & I to read when I mentioned that sometimes my partner says he doesn't understand my sense of sadness & self-loathing. I read it first because it's hard to split a book between two people.
It is a useful book in that the experiences of various anonymous posters show that you're not alone, and that a community can be useful for navigating through the ups and downs of relationships with depressed/manic depressed individuals. It illuminated for me some of the reasons why a previous relationship of mine failed, though again every relationship is different and I am somewhat skeptical about drawing conclusions from a self-selecting forum population.
The reasons I *don't* like the book aren't about content- on the contrary, I find this topic very important. Rather, the writing reminds me of an older person not used to the internet- E-mail, Web site, and Message Board are always capitalized as if they're proper nouns; in the introduction Sheffield expresses surprise and delight that people came together and formed a community online; etc. On one hand, that can be explained as the nature of the internet in 2003 and earlier (myspace came into existence that year), but to a modern reader it seems outdated. I am also skeptical of using anecdotes from a forum as evidence, but if we can have books derived from reddit AMAs, I guess it's valid.
November 18, 2011
Great support for anyone suffering with a depressed spouse/partner.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews