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Soul Friends: The Transforming Power of Deep Human Connection
“Most of us will have many friends throughout our lifetimes—friends of all shapes, sizes, and callings. Many of these are wonderful, meaningful friendships. Some are difficult. But some magic few of these are connections that have gone right to our soul. These five or seven or ten friendships have been powerful keys to determining who we have become and who we will become. . . . These are the people I call Soul Friends.”
As the Senior Scholar-in-Residence for over 25 years at the renowned Kripalu Center, Stephen Cope has spent decades investigating—and writing about—the integration of body, mind, and spirit and the rich complexity of our relationships with others, and with ourselves. Perhaps the central truth that arises from his work is human beings are universally wired for one thing—vital connection with one another. Soul Friends invites us on a compelling journey into the connectivity of the human psyche, the study of which has fascinated scholars, philosophers, and thinkers for centuries. Cope seamlessly blends science, scholarship, and storytelling, drawing on his own life as well as the histories of famous figures—from Eleanor Roosevelt to Charles Darwin to Queen Victoria—whose formative relationships shed light on the nature of friendship itself. In his exploration, he distills human connection into six distinct yet interconnected containment, twinship, adversity, mirroring, identification, and conscious partnership. Then he invites us to reflect on how these forms of connection appear in our own lives, helping us work toward a fuller understanding of “who we have become and who we will become.” Without a doubt, the journey to our most fulfilled selves requires us to look within. But in order to truly thrive, we must make the most of who we are in relation to one another as well. Unsparingly honest, deeply wise, and irresistibly readable, Soul Friends gives us a map to find our way.
As the Senior Scholar-in-Residence for over 25 years at the renowned Kripalu Center, Stephen Cope has spent decades investigating—and writing about—the integration of body, mind, and spirit and the rich complexity of our relationships with others, and with ourselves. Perhaps the central truth that arises from his work is human beings are universally wired for one thing—vital connection with one another. Soul Friends invites us on a compelling journey into the connectivity of the human psyche, the study of which has fascinated scholars, philosophers, and thinkers for centuries. Cope seamlessly blends science, scholarship, and storytelling, drawing on his own life as well as the histories of famous figures—from Eleanor Roosevelt to Charles Darwin to Queen Victoria—whose formative relationships shed light on the nature of friendship itself. In his exploration, he distills human connection into six distinct yet interconnected containment, twinship, adversity, mirroring, identification, and conscious partnership. Then he invites us to reflect on how these forms of connection appear in our own lives, helping us work toward a fuller understanding of “who we have become and who we will become.” Without a doubt, the journey to our most fulfilled selves requires us to look within. But in order to truly thrive, we must make the most of who we are in relation to one another as well. Unsparingly honest, deeply wise, and irresistibly readable, Soul Friends gives us a map to find our way.
1 pages, Paperback
Published April 3, 2018
About the author
Stephen Cope
21 books197 followersStephen Cope is the director of the Kripalu Institute for Extraordinary Living, the largest yoga research institute in the Western world—with a team of scientists affiliated with major medical schools on the East coast, primarily Harvard Medical School. He has been for many years the senior scholar in residence at Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Lenox, Massachusetts, and is the author of four best-selling books.
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
March 13, 2017
The book Soul Friends by Stephen Cope grips your attention with just the right mix of real life stories from persons throughout history and the authors personal reflections, and the research that shows how these relationships help a person grow as an individual. This book will lead you to reflect deeply on your own personal relationships, and have you sorting all of your friends, past and present, into each category. I actually wept after reading the chapter on twinship, having lost a soul friend of this category to cancer, and reflecting deeply on how much that friendship changed and shaped me. I spent a lot of time telling everyone I could about what I was discovering in this book while I was reading it. Many times it felt as if a light bulb was going off, as new understanding of my own personality was revealed to me. It is a very interesting read, which I enjoyed very much.
September 9, 2021
This book was given to me as a gift by Jamie Lee. I enjoyed much of it. I cannot imagine someone NOT getting something out of this book. It will enrich you and make you aware of some needs that aren't always clear in your mind. The author touches on his Christian beliefs a bit--which I didn't necessarily care for--although I am a spiritual being (and feel closest to Judaism and Buddhism). He did quote some Buddhist thoughts and quoted some major players in life like Charles Darwin, Queen Victoria and other notable scientists and authors. You'll need to list ten of your SOUL FRIENDS (for fun), it will enrich you.
Here are some of the lines I underlined while reading that I chose to print and refer to now and again:
*Human beings are universally wired for one thing—vital connection with one another.
Without a doubt, the journey to our most fulfilled selves requires us to look within.
He realized that human connection was what most fascinated him.
Our relationships with our Soul Friends are the containers, the sparks, and the fuel required for psychological and spiritual development.
These are the 6 forms of human connection: THE CONTAINER (containment); THE TWIN (twinship); THE NOBLE ADVERSARY (adversity); THE MIRROR (mirroring); THE MYSTIC FRIEND (mystic resonance); CONSCIOUS PARTNER (conscious partnership).
Part I: CONTAINMENT
The Buddha said that the debt of gratitude we owe to our parents is so great that we could carry them on our backs for our entire lives and yet still never fully repay it.
Sigmund Freud saw “attachment” as nothing more than a natural expression of the baby’s instinct to seek pleasure (gratification).
It is through holding that we have an embodied experience of feeling unified. Of feeling put together. Holding facilitates a sense of being whole.
Quiet moments are essential to the development of our own inner life. We learn to be alone, and to drive and glide comfortably in our own thoughts and feelings. But we learn this in the first instance by being alone in the presence of a safe other.
Soul Friends engage in an exchange of energy and information.
Part II: TWINSHIP
Piglet sidles up to Pooh from behind.
“Pooh?” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw.
“I just want to be sure of you.” --A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner
“Best Friends” are a launching pad for our highest spiritual aspirations.
Twinship is the discovery at depth of another human being who seems to have remarkably similar insides to our own.
‘One must talk, talk talk---provided one has someone to talk to, as you and I have.’ --Maurice, speaking to his friend Clive in MAURICE by E.M. Forster
We must, as much as possible, learn to see life as it is, not merely as it ought to be; to look fearlessly at HOW IT IS, and how it has been; to see truly where we are in the scheme of things.
Adolescent twinship is the first time we have conscious sense of the profound level of joining that takes place when we enter into deep friendship. It is the first time that we’ll have conscious experience of our dependency upon “the other” --the profound and unnerving extent to which we depend upon particular kinds of sustaining and reassuring responses from a close other.
“We are bigger and deeper than what we thought.” --Walt Whitman
In moments of growth, we find out who we are in part by who we are attracted to. By whom we are fascinated with. In these times of self-discovery, we seek out other twins, we recreated our narrative, we reinvent ourselves.
Part III: ADVERSITY
We need someone who keeps coming back to us; who challenges us; who is bigger, stronger, more masterful than we are; who is at least one step ahead; who pushes us to be our better selves, and who does not let us off the hook.
How you do ONE thing is how you do EVERYTHING.
“What Is the World Asking of Us today?” --Helen Compton’s favorite topic for a speech.
Winning does not tempt that man. This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively, by constantly greater beings.
Do work...simply by being yourself: Unshakable, Immovable, Determined.
The captain’s moody, sullen depressive nature of Capt. Robert Fitzroy was described by the crew as “hot coffee” because of his ability to snap at a moment’s notice.
According to Charles Darwin’s ORIGIN OF SPECIES, the species that survives is the one that is best able to adapt and adjust to the changing environment in which it finds itself. --Leon C Megginson, Interpreting Darwin
INDIVIDUALS WITH HIGH ADVERSITY QUOTIENT exhibit:
-The ability to withstand significant adversity and continue forward movement and progress.
-The capacity to maintain appropriate perspective on events.
-Flexibility and the capacity to view challenges as opportunities for creative thinking and action.
-An enhanced sense of self-efficacy and self0esteem in the face of challenges.
-The statistically rare propensity to actively harness adversity, to use it as fuel to propel oneself, and potentially others, to achievements unattainable without the adversity.
Charles Darwin over the course of his 5-year voyage had learned the value of perseverance, the value in coming back again and again to a complex problem and the sense of excitement that lies beneath a slow, systematic understanding.
Darwin had learned flexibility of thought and skilled at thinking outside the box.
Charles Darwin disinterested love for all living creatures is the most noble attribute of man (he wrote in THE DESCENT OF MAN).
It is, of course, a human tendency to split with those with whom we disagree. But remember, at its best the noble adversary calls upon us not to exclude, but to expand to include the adversary.
Species by their very nature must adapt in order to survive.
There is no greater misfortune that feeling “I have an enemy”; For when “I” and “enemy” exist together there is no room left for my treasure; Thus, when two opponents meet the one without an enemy will surely triumph. --Lao-tzu, Chinese Philosopher
In the Buddhist view “clinging to views and beliefs” is precisely the cause of some of the deepest sources of suffering in human life. When clinging we cannot see what is true.
Part IV: MIRRORING
“Ourself, behind ourself, concealed—should startle most.” --Emily Dickinson
Sigmund Freud pointed out, our lives have multiple unconscious tracks—we are capable of loving and hating the same person at the same time, of wishing for and fearing the same love object at the same time, of hoping for and dreading the same outcome.
We are incapable of keeping a secret. If our lips do not speak it, Freud said, it screams out through our actions.
Implicit memory is a kind of memory hidden deep in the body and the primitive structures of the mind.
“When people are having trouble loving currently, it’s because they have an old love that they’ve never given up.” --Elvin Semrad, training psychiatrist, Massachusetts Mental Health Center, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
Everything becomes more real when you cry. Connecting with one’s sadness is a way to touch those loves ones already lost.
Fliess was completely taken with Freud’s lectures as their mutual interests took both Fleiss and Freud well beyond the contemporary domain of medicine into the then-shadowy area of the relationship between mind and body.
Freud argued that being analyzed by someone else is by far the most effective path to self-knowledge. The critical factor in psychoanalysis, he found, is the deep connection between two human beings.
We strive to become what the Buddhists call BODHISATTVA—a maturing Buddha—who claims full participation in the ten thousand joys and the ten thousand sorrows of life.
It’s an analytical truth; aliveness in voice and language is a signal that something important is being touched.
If you have a RARE TRUE FRIENDSHIP, use it to the fullest. Use it. Truly, that’s what it’s there for. (Who really sees you in this time in your life?)
Part V: MYSTIC RESONANCE
Right now, what fascinates you in the world? This fascination holds within it some essential information about YOU. It’s about YOU.
Indulge your fascination with objects of intense interest that make you feel more alive.
“The key to your heart lies in the heart of another.” --a Swami from INDIA (So, too, the key to your own mind lies in the mind of another.)
Human beings are quintessentially object-seeking beings. We can be in vital contact with new love objects through images, stories, music, drama, scientific discoveries. When this happens our capacity to know has matured.
When you write, you lay out a line of words. The line of words is a miner’s pick, a wood-carver's gouge, a surgeon’s probe. You wield it, and it dis a path you follow. You make the path boldly and follow it fearfully. You go where the path leads. At the end of the path, you find a box canyon. You hammer out reports, dispatch bulletins, etc. --Annie Dillard, author
As we mature, we become more and more attuned to the subtler realms of the mind, sometimes called “sheaths”. Five sheaths: the body, the energy body, mental energy, spiritual energy and the consciousness itself.
Rev. William Gilpin was exceptionally present for, and attentive to, subtle detail: MINDFULNESS (Buddhist texts all this BARE ATTENTION).
As we mature, we now are capable of having SPIRITUAL PARENTS.
A man grows by being confronted by greater and greater beings. A man grows by being contained by greater and greater minds.
When I was four years old, I had a soft, blue and white checkered blanket with which I slept and cuddled. I desperately needed to cling to this tattered flannel friend, to hold it and suck it at difficult moments when I needed to feel soothed. The blanket was, strangely, an important building block of my development at that moment. Here’s why: it was helping me to bear the age-appropriate but terrifying discovery that I was a separate human being, and that others in my environment were not just emotional extensions of me, but were separate, too. The blanket was both “me” and “not me”. That little blanket was an integral part of my process of growing up. It turns out that as we mature, we use our love objects, our self-objects in exactly the same way.
Investigate what only YOU love. Begin with what fascinates you. --Annie Dillard
Write as if you were dying. At the same time, assume you write for an audience consisting solely of terminal patients. That after all, is the case. What would you begin writing if you knew you would die soon? What could you say to a dying person that would not enrage by its triviality?
“If we gain something, it was there from the beginning. If we lose anything it is hidden nearby.” -Japanese poet-monk, RYOKAN TAIGU
Part VI: CONSCIOUS PARTNERSHIP
“You should always be doing experiments in living. The more experiments, the better.” --Ralph Waldo Emerson
‘You are much more likely to hit the target if you aim at it.’ -in an Eastern book of wisdom
INTENTIONS I like:
Joy in the little things
Live simply
Be generous
Make conscious, deep connections
“...Positive emotions produce optimal functioning, not just within the present, pleasant moment, but over the long term as well.”--Dr. Barbara L Frederickson
We should intentionally practice the experience of savoring: “Pay particular attention to the rewarding aspects of an experience,” he writes, “for example, pay attention to how good it feels to get a great big hug from someone you love.” --Rick Hanson, neuroscientist and author
Savoring positive emotions changes the brain, and the nervous system; it creates a stronger immune system, and a cardiovascular system less vulnerable to stress; it helps lift your mood, increases optimism, resilience and resourcefulness, and helps to counteract the effects of past trauma.
Queen Victoria wrote an average of 2,500 words a day in her journal, almost every day of her adult life.
JOY leads to play.
Your home is your greater self! Design it, furnish it, landscape it.
What creates joy for you in your day-to-day life? Notice these moments of joy and savor them. And more, intentionally promote them, and when they arise, marinate in the food feeling. Let the feeling of joy seep into every part of your body and mind. I guarantee you that over time this will transform your mind, your brain and your very nervous system.
“It’s never wrong to do the RIGHT thing.”
We are surrounded by a variety of other human beings who—just like us—crave simply to be touched, to be cherished, to be known.
Here are some of the lines I underlined while reading that I chose to print and refer to now and again:
*Human beings are universally wired for one thing—vital connection with one another.
Without a doubt, the journey to our most fulfilled selves requires us to look within.
He realized that human connection was what most fascinated him.
Our relationships with our Soul Friends are the containers, the sparks, and the fuel required for psychological and spiritual development.
These are the 6 forms of human connection: THE CONTAINER (containment); THE TWIN (twinship); THE NOBLE ADVERSARY (adversity); THE MIRROR (mirroring); THE MYSTIC FRIEND (mystic resonance); CONSCIOUS PARTNER (conscious partnership).
Part I: CONTAINMENT
The Buddha said that the debt of gratitude we owe to our parents is so great that we could carry them on our backs for our entire lives and yet still never fully repay it.
Sigmund Freud saw “attachment” as nothing more than a natural expression of the baby’s instinct to seek pleasure (gratification).
It is through holding that we have an embodied experience of feeling unified. Of feeling put together. Holding facilitates a sense of being whole.
Quiet moments are essential to the development of our own inner life. We learn to be alone, and to drive and glide comfortably in our own thoughts and feelings. But we learn this in the first instance by being alone in the presence of a safe other.
Soul Friends engage in an exchange of energy and information.
Part II: TWINSHIP
Piglet sidles up to Pooh from behind.
“Pooh?” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw.
“I just want to be sure of you.” --A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner
“Best Friends” are a launching pad for our highest spiritual aspirations.
Twinship is the discovery at depth of another human being who seems to have remarkably similar insides to our own.
‘One must talk, talk talk---provided one has someone to talk to, as you and I have.’ --Maurice, speaking to his friend Clive in MAURICE by E.M. Forster
We must, as much as possible, learn to see life as it is, not merely as it ought to be; to look fearlessly at HOW IT IS, and how it has been; to see truly where we are in the scheme of things.
Adolescent twinship is the first time we have conscious sense of the profound level of joining that takes place when we enter into deep friendship. It is the first time that we’ll have conscious experience of our dependency upon “the other” --the profound and unnerving extent to which we depend upon particular kinds of sustaining and reassuring responses from a close other.
“We are bigger and deeper than what we thought.” --Walt Whitman
In moments of growth, we find out who we are in part by who we are attracted to. By whom we are fascinated with. In these times of self-discovery, we seek out other twins, we recreated our narrative, we reinvent ourselves.
Part III: ADVERSITY
We need someone who keeps coming back to us; who challenges us; who is bigger, stronger, more masterful than we are; who is at least one step ahead; who pushes us to be our better selves, and who does not let us off the hook.
How you do ONE thing is how you do EVERYTHING.
“What Is the World Asking of Us today?” --Helen Compton’s favorite topic for a speech.
Winning does not tempt that man. This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively, by constantly greater beings.
Do work...simply by being yourself: Unshakable, Immovable, Determined.
The captain’s moody, sullen depressive nature of Capt. Robert Fitzroy was described by the crew as “hot coffee” because of his ability to snap at a moment’s notice.
According to Charles Darwin’s ORIGIN OF SPECIES, the species that survives is the one that is best able to adapt and adjust to the changing environment in which it finds itself. --Leon C Megginson, Interpreting Darwin
INDIVIDUALS WITH HIGH ADVERSITY QUOTIENT exhibit:
-The ability to withstand significant adversity and continue forward movement and progress.
-The capacity to maintain appropriate perspective on events.
-Flexibility and the capacity to view challenges as opportunities for creative thinking and action.
-An enhanced sense of self-efficacy and self0esteem in the face of challenges.
-The statistically rare propensity to actively harness adversity, to use it as fuel to propel oneself, and potentially others, to achievements unattainable without the adversity.
Charles Darwin over the course of his 5-year voyage had learned the value of perseverance, the value in coming back again and again to a complex problem and the sense of excitement that lies beneath a slow, systematic understanding.
Darwin had learned flexibility of thought and skilled at thinking outside the box.
Charles Darwin disinterested love for all living creatures is the most noble attribute of man (he wrote in THE DESCENT OF MAN).
It is, of course, a human tendency to split with those with whom we disagree. But remember, at its best the noble adversary calls upon us not to exclude, but to expand to include the adversary.
Species by their very nature must adapt in order to survive.
There is no greater misfortune that feeling “I have an enemy”; For when “I” and “enemy” exist together there is no room left for my treasure; Thus, when two opponents meet the one without an enemy will surely triumph. --Lao-tzu, Chinese Philosopher
In the Buddhist view “clinging to views and beliefs” is precisely the cause of some of the deepest sources of suffering in human life. When clinging we cannot see what is true.
Part IV: MIRRORING
“Ourself, behind ourself, concealed—should startle most.” --Emily Dickinson
Sigmund Freud pointed out, our lives have multiple unconscious tracks—we are capable of loving and hating the same person at the same time, of wishing for and fearing the same love object at the same time, of hoping for and dreading the same outcome.
We are incapable of keeping a secret. If our lips do not speak it, Freud said, it screams out through our actions.
Implicit memory is a kind of memory hidden deep in the body and the primitive structures of the mind.
“When people are having trouble loving currently, it’s because they have an old love that they’ve never given up.” --Elvin Semrad, training psychiatrist, Massachusetts Mental Health Center, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
Everything becomes more real when you cry. Connecting with one’s sadness is a way to touch those loves ones already lost.
Fliess was completely taken with Freud’s lectures as their mutual interests took both Fleiss and Freud well beyond the contemporary domain of medicine into the then-shadowy area of the relationship between mind and body.
Freud argued that being analyzed by someone else is by far the most effective path to self-knowledge. The critical factor in psychoanalysis, he found, is the deep connection between two human beings.
We strive to become what the Buddhists call BODHISATTVA—a maturing Buddha—who claims full participation in the ten thousand joys and the ten thousand sorrows of life.
It’s an analytical truth; aliveness in voice and language is a signal that something important is being touched.
If you have a RARE TRUE FRIENDSHIP, use it to the fullest. Use it. Truly, that’s what it’s there for. (Who really sees you in this time in your life?)
Part V: MYSTIC RESONANCE
Right now, what fascinates you in the world? This fascination holds within it some essential information about YOU. It’s about YOU.
Indulge your fascination with objects of intense interest that make you feel more alive.
“The key to your heart lies in the heart of another.” --a Swami from INDIA (So, too, the key to your own mind lies in the mind of another.)
Human beings are quintessentially object-seeking beings. We can be in vital contact with new love objects through images, stories, music, drama, scientific discoveries. When this happens our capacity to know has matured.
When you write, you lay out a line of words. The line of words is a miner’s pick, a wood-carver's gouge, a surgeon’s probe. You wield it, and it dis a path you follow. You make the path boldly and follow it fearfully. You go where the path leads. At the end of the path, you find a box canyon. You hammer out reports, dispatch bulletins, etc. --Annie Dillard, author
As we mature, we become more and more attuned to the subtler realms of the mind, sometimes called “sheaths”. Five sheaths: the body, the energy body, mental energy, spiritual energy and the consciousness itself.
Rev. William Gilpin was exceptionally present for, and attentive to, subtle detail: MINDFULNESS (Buddhist texts all this BARE ATTENTION).
As we mature, we now are capable of having SPIRITUAL PARENTS.
A man grows by being confronted by greater and greater beings. A man grows by being contained by greater and greater minds.
When I was four years old, I had a soft, blue and white checkered blanket with which I slept and cuddled. I desperately needed to cling to this tattered flannel friend, to hold it and suck it at difficult moments when I needed to feel soothed. The blanket was, strangely, an important building block of my development at that moment. Here’s why: it was helping me to bear the age-appropriate but terrifying discovery that I was a separate human being, and that others in my environment were not just emotional extensions of me, but were separate, too. The blanket was both “me” and “not me”. That little blanket was an integral part of my process of growing up. It turns out that as we mature, we use our love objects, our self-objects in exactly the same way.
Investigate what only YOU love. Begin with what fascinates you. --Annie Dillard
Write as if you were dying. At the same time, assume you write for an audience consisting solely of terminal patients. That after all, is the case. What would you begin writing if you knew you would die soon? What could you say to a dying person that would not enrage by its triviality?
“If we gain something, it was there from the beginning. If we lose anything it is hidden nearby.” -Japanese poet-monk, RYOKAN TAIGU
Part VI: CONSCIOUS PARTNERSHIP
“You should always be doing experiments in living. The more experiments, the better.” --Ralph Waldo Emerson
‘You are much more likely to hit the target if you aim at it.’ -in an Eastern book of wisdom
INTENTIONS I like:
Joy in the little things
Live simply
Be generous
Make conscious, deep connections
“...Positive emotions produce optimal functioning, not just within the present, pleasant moment, but over the long term as well.”--Dr. Barbara L Frederickson
We should intentionally practice the experience of savoring: “Pay particular attention to the rewarding aspects of an experience,” he writes, “for example, pay attention to how good it feels to get a great big hug from someone you love.” --Rick Hanson, neuroscientist and author
Savoring positive emotions changes the brain, and the nervous system; it creates a stronger immune system, and a cardiovascular system less vulnerable to stress; it helps lift your mood, increases optimism, resilience and resourcefulness, and helps to counteract the effects of past trauma.
Queen Victoria wrote an average of 2,500 words a day in her journal, almost every day of her adult life.
JOY leads to play.
Your home is your greater self! Design it, furnish it, landscape it.
What creates joy for you in your day-to-day life? Notice these moments of joy and savor them. And more, intentionally promote them, and when they arise, marinate in the food feeling. Let the feeling of joy seep into every part of your body and mind. I guarantee you that over time this will transform your mind, your brain and your very nervous system.
“It’s never wrong to do the RIGHT thing.”
We are surrounded by a variety of other human beings who—just like us—crave simply to be touched, to be cherished, to be known.
May 16, 2019
Stephen Cope is a little known treasure. His previous book (The Great Work of Your Life) arrived for me as I was reinventing myself in a new career. He analyzed the Bhagavad Gita as a guide for finding one’s true calling, which resonated strongly with me at the time.
In late April while at a retreat at Kripalu, I found he had a “new” book, which apparently had been out for two years and somehow slipped by me. I wasn’t sure if the topic (“The Transforming Power of Deep Human Connection”) would apply to me, but I felt I needed to read it.
It turns out I did. Within 24 hours of purchase I found unexpected deep connections with a few of my retreat partners. As I read more, I was taken with his raw honesty of his own life and related, once again, with his journey.
He outlined six, no five (more on this later) types of deep human connections (or containers), and illustrated with his personal story as well as examples of real life relationships. These included Thoreau, Queen Victoria, Sigmund Freud and Eleanor Roosevelt, among others .... probably the first time this cast of characters found themselves mentioned in one project.
One point to consider: the hardcover is called “Soul Friends” while digital copy and recently released paperback is titled “Deep Human Connections”. But be aware that more than the title changed. The new version has removed one “container”. Per Mr. Cope’s website, the changes include editing to make it sound less like a psychological exposition, plus the removed connection will form the heart of his next publication. I’ve compared both versions and they are equally satisfying, but I enjoyed the original more because it resonated with me more on a personal level.
Highly recommended for anyone on a journey of self-awareness who wants to consider our connection to humanity.
In late April while at a retreat at Kripalu, I found he had a “new” book, which apparently had been out for two years and somehow slipped by me. I wasn’t sure if the topic (“The Transforming Power of Deep Human Connection”) would apply to me, but I felt I needed to read it.
It turns out I did. Within 24 hours of purchase I found unexpected deep connections with a few of my retreat partners. As I read more, I was taken with his raw honesty of his own life and related, once again, with his journey.
He outlined six, no five (more on this later) types of deep human connections (or containers), and illustrated with his personal story as well as examples of real life relationships. These included Thoreau, Queen Victoria, Sigmund Freud and Eleanor Roosevelt, among others .... probably the first time this cast of characters found themselves mentioned in one project.
One point to consider: the hardcover is called “Soul Friends” while digital copy and recently released paperback is titled “Deep Human Connections”. But be aware that more than the title changed. The new version has removed one “container”. Per Mr. Cope’s website, the changes include editing to make it sound less like a psychological exposition, plus the removed connection will form the heart of his next publication. I’ve compared both versions and they are equally satisfying, but I enjoyed the original more because it resonated with me more on a personal level.
Highly recommended for anyone on a journey of self-awareness who wants to consider our connection to humanity.
February 24, 2017
I loved reading this book. Totally a must-read.
May 6, 2017
Stephen Cope has written this extraordinary psychologically rich reflection on deep human beauty in friendship. As someone who has been hungry for understanding intimate cross-sex or opposite sex friendships, I have devoured books from therapists over the last fifteen years. I have also paid close attention to how therapeutic relationships with acknowledged power differentials might shed light on mutual and equal friendships.
What I love about this book is that Cope beautifully escapes psychological-spiritual reduction of human beauty in friendship. Instead, he highlights what I would call this mysterious beauty in friendship that defies such reductionism.
I have read many books on spiritual friendship, soul friendship, deep friendship throughout the years from all kinds of different spiritual, religious, sociological, and psychological traditions. I would easily put this in one of the three best books I have ever read on deep human connection in friendship.
What I love about this book is that Cope beautifully escapes psychological-spiritual reduction of human beauty in friendship. Instead, he highlights what I would call this mysterious beauty in friendship that defies such reductionism.
I have read many books on spiritual friendship, soul friendship, deep friendship throughout the years from all kinds of different spiritual, religious, sociological, and psychological traditions. I would easily put this in one of the three best books I have ever read on deep human connection in friendship.
February 5, 2018
This book came to me at a perfect and much-needed time in my life. I just finished it yesterday, and I'm still sitting with all of the wisdom and insights I gained, but I've dog-eared dozens of pages, and I can say for sure that it has helped me appreciate the friends I've had over the years who have changed my life for the better. It also inspires me to be more intentional about cultivating and sustaining those kinds of friendships in the years to come. It's well-written, with an authentic authorial voice, and a great mix of research, personal stories, and historical examples. Highly recommended.
January 15, 2022
I learned a lot about myself and my relationships in this book. I learned how they transformed and healed me and how different relationships shape us. There were excellent examples and clarity in the writing. I could see myself and my family / friends / co-workers. The research cited added credibility. I enjoyed and am so glad I took the time to read this.
August 18, 2017
I wanted to love this so much but I found it incredibly hard to read. It felt clinical rather than "soulful".
August 31, 2017
A friend gave to me as a gift. Wasn't sure what to expect. Really enjoyed it and answers the question regarding why a handful of friendships really affect your life.
May 15, 2018
It was a worthwhile slog
April 19, 2020
Soul Friends is a fascinating look at the relationship in our lives that transform us. The six types of friendships that appear in our lives and help us become. I loved the story telling.
March 6, 2025
Interesting approach of layering historical relationships over personal ones. Some good insights.
February 23, 2017
Mr. Cope has a wonderful idea, if the world would just get behind it.
He connects early friendships with later friendships and advocates that we all develop more of them.
That would unit the world, eventually and peace would reign.
Good Reading and certainly good food for thoughts.
He connects early friendships with later friendships and advocates that we all develop more of them.
That would unit the world, eventually and peace would reign.
Good Reading and certainly good food for thoughts.
June 6, 2017
This was one of the best books that discussed human relationships that I have read in a long time. Easy and inviting to read, I will re-visit this book often in the next few years.
January 4, 2017
Great read. Highly recommend it when it is published in April of this year.
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