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The Thriving Child: The Science Behind Reducing Stress and Nurturing Independence
As parents we all want the best for our children, but so often over-manage every aspect of their lives, leaving them overwhelmed, lacking motivation, and at risk of mental health problems as adults.So how can we prevent this from happening?Over their combined sixty years of practice, William Stixrud, a clinical neuropsychologist, and Ned Johnson, the founder of an elite tutoring agency, have worked with thousands of children all facing this problem. Together they discovered that the best antidote to stress is to give kids more of a sense of control over their lives. In this ground-breaking book they will teach you how to set your child on the real road to success and share their trusted techniques to help your child to reduce their stress and anxiety, foster independent thinking, and achieve their full potential.The Thriving Child is essential reading for every parent to help their child sculpt a resilient, stress-proof brain that is ready to take on new challenges.
354 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 7, 2018
33 people are currently reading
1452 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
December 18, 2020
Wow, this book was amazing! As someone who has an unhealthy need for control, I was very interested in reading this book. I always felt like my overprotective parents at least partially contributed to my struggles – especially concerning my low sense of control. Although aimed at parents, this book really helped me to understand myself and my need for control better.
I like how this book covers quite a broad spectrum. Its main message is that the best thing you can do as a parent is to help your child make good, informed decisions, instead of making them for them. But it also describes all the different terrains that are somehow related to having a sense of control, which makes it broadly applicable. This includes the impact of a sense of control (and the lack of it) on the brain, dealing with children with a learning disability (who definitely also want to feel in control), and more practical suggestions on how to be a consultant rather than a director. It even covers the impact of mindfulness, enough sleep and technology on having a sense of control.
A few things it taught me:
- We all need a sense of control
- A brain that doesn’t feel in control will get stressed, and a stressed brain just doesn’t function well, will make you more receptive to stress (thanks, amygdala!), and creates all sorts of other issues
- Anxious parents do not feel in control. They transfer their anxiety onto their children, and create a sense of control for themselves by micromanaging their children’s life.
- Making decisions for your children will impact their self-esteem and let them believe that they are not capable to make decisions.
- They will also find (self-destructive) ways to maintain a sense of control, for instance by rebelling and denying help, even if they need it.
- ‘Creating’ resilient children, therefore, starts with managing your own anxiety, and offering help and the information they need to make good decisions, but ultimately letting things be their call.
As someone who always grew up hearing, ‘it may be annoying [that your parents are so overprotective] but at least they love you’, it was such a relief to hear that my parents’ parenting style had not been beneficial to the development my brain. I never questioned whether they loved me. But expressing your love through fear is good for nothing. It only makes your child anxious and insecure about their abilities. This book also made me understand that although my current need for control isn’t healthy, it is an essential need, and the lack of it is what makes me so desperate for it.
The only thing I resented is that one of the exceptions to the ‘it’s your call’ rule, is when a child has depression/anxiety or engages in self-harm or substance abuse. Although I understand where it stems from – ‘you can’t rely on the premise that they want their lives to work out’ – I know from my own experience how important a sense of control is especially when you’re dealing with depression or otherwise. And things like self-harm and substance abuse are often a consequence of having a low sense of control, which cannot be cured by giving them even less autonomy. I think, in general, people with a mental illness want their lives to work out – they just don’t know how and/or believe it will never work out. I still think the parent can and should have a consultancy role. Obviously, when a child rejects professional help or that sort of stuff, you can’t let it be his or her call, but I think that’s clear. But which type of treatment they prefer – that is something the child can decide. But also non-treatment related things; it’s not like a child cannot decide anything just because s/he has a mental illness. They probably intended it differently, but it really annoyed me, because I know I needed it back then, more than anything.
Nevertheless, it was an interesting, engaging and accessible read, that really provided me with useful insights. I would recommend it to anyone interested in the connection between a sense of control and resilience.
I like how this book covers quite a broad spectrum. Its main message is that the best thing you can do as a parent is to help your child make good, informed decisions, instead of making them for them. But it also describes all the different terrains that are somehow related to having a sense of control, which makes it broadly applicable. This includes the impact of a sense of control (and the lack of it) on the brain, dealing with children with a learning disability (who definitely also want to feel in control), and more practical suggestions on how to be a consultant rather than a director. It even covers the impact of mindfulness, enough sleep and technology on having a sense of control.
A few things it taught me:
- We all need a sense of control
- A brain that doesn’t feel in control will get stressed, and a stressed brain just doesn’t function well, will make you more receptive to stress (thanks, amygdala!), and creates all sorts of other issues
- Anxious parents do not feel in control. They transfer their anxiety onto their children, and create a sense of control for themselves by micromanaging their children’s life.
- Making decisions for your children will impact their self-esteem and let them believe that they are not capable to make decisions.
- They will also find (self-destructive) ways to maintain a sense of control, for instance by rebelling and denying help, even if they need it.
- ‘Creating’ resilient children, therefore, starts with managing your own anxiety, and offering help and the information they need to make good decisions, but ultimately letting things be their call.
As someone who always grew up hearing, ‘it may be annoying [that your parents are so overprotective] but at least they love you’, it was such a relief to hear that my parents’ parenting style had not been beneficial to the development my brain. I never questioned whether they loved me. But expressing your love through fear is good for nothing. It only makes your child anxious and insecure about their abilities. This book also made me understand that although my current need for control isn’t healthy, it is an essential need, and the lack of it is what makes me so desperate for it.
The only thing I resented is that one of the exceptions to the ‘it’s your call’ rule, is when a child has depression/anxiety or engages in self-harm or substance abuse. Although I understand where it stems from – ‘you can’t rely on the premise that they want their lives to work out’ – I know from my own experience how important a sense of control is especially when you’re dealing with depression or otherwise. And things like self-harm and substance abuse are often a consequence of having a low sense of control, which cannot be cured by giving them even less autonomy. I think, in general, people with a mental illness want their lives to work out – they just don’t know how and/or believe it will never work out. I still think the parent can and should have a consultancy role. Obviously, when a child rejects professional help or that sort of stuff, you can’t let it be his or her call, but I think that’s clear. But which type of treatment they prefer – that is something the child can decide. But also non-treatment related things; it’s not like a child cannot decide anything just because s/he has a mental illness. They probably intended it differently, but it really annoyed me, because I know I needed it back then, more than anything.
Nevertheless, it was an interesting, engaging and accessible read, that really provided me with useful insights. I would recommend it to anyone interested in the connection between a sense of control and resilience.
October 1, 2023
Good book. Too long. A pamphlet summary will do.
Read
July 8, 2018When I was approached by @penguinlifebooks about this book, I was initially hesitant because I feared it may be preachy and overwhelming. At the same time, being a children's social worker I was intrigued by the title and it's blurb. I also felt a personal interest in the book being a new mum. I've read about 3/4 of the book and so far, it doesn't feel preachy at all, which is just as well because books like that don't work for me. *
THE THRIVING CHILD emphasises the antidote for stress is to give children more of a sense of control over their lives. It's a refreshing perspective, that for both parent and child to have a trusting relationship, there are techniques that can reduce anxiety and foster independent thinking. It's one of those books you can dip in and out of, using as a point of reference as and when needed. *
According to the authors, "rates of stress-induced illnesses are extremely high in every demographic." There is also "a rise in anxiety disorders, eating disorders, depression, binge drinking and worrisome patterns of self harm in young people." Mental health has been in the media a lot recently with high profile suicides too. I am a strong believer in parents providing a safe and stable home environment for their children. Supportive but not controlling parenting is what this book emphasises and I am a huge advocate of that.
THE THRIVING CHILD emphasises the antidote for stress is to give children more of a sense of control over their lives. It's a refreshing perspective, that for both parent and child to have a trusting relationship, there are techniques that can reduce anxiety and foster independent thinking. It's one of those books you can dip in and out of, using as a point of reference as and when needed. *
According to the authors, "rates of stress-induced illnesses are extremely high in every demographic." There is also "a rise in anxiety disorders, eating disorders, depression, binge drinking and worrisome patterns of self harm in young people." Mental health has been in the media a lot recently with high profile suicides too. I am a strong believer in parents providing a safe and stable home environment for their children. Supportive but not controlling parenting is what this book emphasises and I am a huge advocate of that.
August 8, 2022
5AAA star. I picked this book up from the library after reading it I paid to get the book express delivered to me. One of the best parenting books I ever read, with such a simple message- your there as a parent to guide and advice not to manage. It's your childs life not your and you should let them make there decision after you explained what you think and feel. If they fail or hurt themselves, it's their choice not yours. By releasing your control over them and bring your children into the decision process you develop a stronger relationship that isn't fought with battles. Another great was to help your children find what they are interested in or good at and then pour oil over.
I wish I read this book earlier, but I'm glad it manges to make it way to me because I believe I will be a better parent from following Dr Stixrud and Johnson's advice.
I wish I read this book earlier, but I'm glad it manges to make it way to me because I believe I will be a better parent from following Dr Stixrud and Johnson's advice.
August 30, 2022
This is such an excellent book written by Bill and Ned. I am so glad that I picked it up from the library. The explanations and examples are so apt that I could actually see the results of applying them at home. Teenage is a difficult phase for both the child and we as parents. But using the right approach, the right attitude and the right love and support is so crucial in these developmental years. This is a must read book for all parents.
December 15, 2024
Fascinating, clear and practical, "The Thriving Child" is an excellent resource for every parent. There is a heavy focus on test prep, the college admission process, and both the freedom and challenges of college life, but the book is worth the read even for parents of younger kids. I especially appreciated concrete scenarios and detailed advice on age-appropriate autonomy and decision-making for younger kids.
Overall, an excellent read most recommended to every parent.
Overall, an excellent read most recommended to every parent.
September 15, 2021
Non-fiction parenting book, with interesting insights into how to help child achieve their full potential while remaining happy and anxious free. Strong belief in giving children control and self-determination, while at the same time providing the knowledge that they will be supported when needed.
February 8, 2022
Having read the authors’ other book, The Self Driven Child, this book felt a little redundant…for the first half. About half way through, the content shifted towards truly practicable tips and tools for helping children (and adults, if I’m honest) navigate what has become a world driven by stress and depression. I will take away lessons I can use with my kids today and for years into the future.
June 23, 2022
Cover wide range of topics about parenting, important science facts about child development.
October 14, 2025
Truly an incredible book. It’s mostly for older children, although there are nuggets for every age. Will def re-read.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews