Forget "Having It All": How America Messed Up Motherhood--and How to Fix It

by Amy Westervelt

A clear-eyed look at the history of American ideas about motherhood, how those ideas have impacted all women (whether they have kids or not), and how to fix the inequality that exists as a result.

After filing a story only two hours after giving birth, and then getting straight back to full-time work the next morning, journalist Amy Westervelt had a America might claim to revere motherhood, but it treats women who have children like crap. From inadequate maternity leave to gender-based double standards, emotional labor to the "motherhood penalty" wage gap, racist devaluing of some mothers and overvaluing of others, and our tendency to consider women's value only in terms of their reproductive capacity, Westervelt became determined to understand how we got here and how the promise of "having it all" ever even became a thing when it was so far from reality for American women.

In Forget "Having It All," Westervelt traces the roots of our modern expectations of mothers and motherhood back to extremist ideas held by the first Puritans who attempted to colonize America and examines how those ideals shifted--or didn't--through every generation since. Using this historical backdrop, Westervelt draws out what we should replicate from our past (bringing back home economics, for example, this time with an emphasis on gender-balanced labor in the home), and what we must begin anew as we overhaul American motherhood (including taking a more intersectional view of motherhood, thinking deeply about the ways in which capitalism influences our views on reproduction, and incorporating working fathers into discussions about work-life balance).
In looking for inspiration elsewhere in the world, Westervelt turned not to Scandinavia, where every work-life balance story inevitably ends up, but to Japan where politicians, in an increasingly desperate effort to increase the country's birth rates (sound familiar?), tried to apply Scandinavian-style policies atop a capitalist democracy not unlike America's, only to find that policy can't do much in the absence of cultural shift. Ultimately, Westervelt presents a measured, historically rooted and research-backed call for workplace policies, cultural norms, and personal attitudes about motherhood that will radically improve the lives of not just working moms but all Americans.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Feminism, History, Politics, Sociology, Gender Studies

309 pages, Hardcover

First published November 1, 2018

Reviews

[Mehrsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book was interesting, but it was pretty broad. She covers a lot of history and doesn't dive too deep. In doing that, she sacrifices a clear thesis. The stories are interesting, but it's short on insight, theory, or solutions besides the usual. Still, it's a good resource (one of the best I've read) for a catalogue of shifting norms on motherhood.

[Elise · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this an illuminating in the history of American feminism, as told through the crucial lens of motherhood and care. At the end of each chapter, Westervelt includes a proposed policy fix and a separate cultural fix for the problem described. Many of these ideas seemed lofty, but they were an important benchmark to put out there for our society, to improve it not just for women but also for the men who are stuck in systems that they may not realize oppress them.

[Alexis · Rating 4 out of 5]

The good:

- It's not personal navelgazing (the intro is just used as a jump)
- It's not just about middle class white women, and experiences outside that aren't treated as an afterthought--they're integral, and the interplay between white, middle class motherhood that's often used as the basis for public policy and motherhood as experienced by others is explored
- It doesn't fetishize other countries or their policies. They're used as ideas, but Westervelt readily acknowledges that if you graft on other countries' policies onto American culture, they may fail in ways they don't expect.

The not-so-good:
- She covers a TON of ground about motherhood, history, and policy, and quotes from a lot of sources. A lot of information is packed into a not very long book, and she shoots facts out at you a bit.
- Because so much ground is covered, it can feel a little scattered. There isn't enough room to stop, reflect, ruminate, breathe. It's informative and I learned a lot of details, but a little more of the author's own voice and ideas would have been nice.

[Megy Karydes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-researched and thorough. At times, many times, frustrating (not at the author, but at the reasons we've found ourselves here). Would love to see more men read this book as women have kind of known this information for generations. Still, learning the history and trajectory was eye-opening.

[Cristine Mermaid · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book read like a textbook which is what stopped me from giving it 5 stars. It was dry at times but filled with helpful information. It was more of a history on how America got to this idea of divine motherhood where women live to have children and serve their family and have no desire to achieve anything outside of being a support person. It talked about the economic and societal reasons why women were forced in and out of the workplace (WWII, they were needed in the workplace and they did a spectacular job of it but then when the men came in...they needed jobs)

The most interesting parts for me was about how conservative/religious groups worked to indoctrinate women with this idea that there is nothing more rewarding for women than to stay home and take care of babies and take care of their husbands and how that led to so many women falling into severe depressions when they didn't feel that way. The history of 'mommy's little helper' and now the amount of drinking/antidepressants (not that antidepressants are bad but they are for emotional disorders not so that you can tolerate living a life that you find intolerable) And of course, there are women who are wired for this type of lifestyle and thrive in it but it's not anywhere near a majority. For those women, no one is demanding that they get a job so this backlash as to why people are infuriated makes no sense. No one is telling them that they can't live this way.

The author also wrote a lot about the current "hyper mothering" (and yes it's hyper parenting but the bulk of it still generally falls on the mother) trend and how damaging it is for parents and for children. I found she worded some issues well that I've always struggled to articulate. This idea is still prevalent in our work culture that every employee has a partner at home handling the children, house, errands, chores, thus freeing up that employee to give 24/7 to the company. Not only is that false, but parenting is now expected to be a 24/7 , monitor everything about your child, invest all your resources and time/energy/thoughts /life into your children. It is more demanding than it has ever been and at a time when generally both parents work and so many have no support with extended family. It is unattainable and for women (maybe there are some men but in general, the book was about women and men aren't held to the same parenting standards) to keep trying to work like they don't have kids and have kids like they don't work isn't working.

She also ended each chapter with ideas on how we can do better, she included a lot of policies that other countries have but she talked more about how there needs to be a cultural shift. All of the policies aren't going to help if people don't start changing their attitudes toward both work and parenting. It was affirming and inspirational and gave me hope that things are going to shift eventually. I suspect the Millennials will demand it.

[Kim Hooper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every policy maker in the United States should read this book. I love how it presents not just the problems surrounding motherhood in this country, but also solutions (that are really quite realistic). This book validated my frustrations while also giving me hope. Well written, well researched, brilliant.

[Rachel Meltzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED THIS BOOK! Thank you to the author for putting so many of my frustrations with motherhood into cultural, political, and other context, and for giving me hope in the form of tangible ways to try to make it better for the future (as an individual and in terms of policy change to support). I too continued working while I was in the hospital after giving birth, never took a maternity leave (twice 😬), congratulated myself on how awesome I was at DOING IT ALL and then wondered why everything felt like crap and I was falling apart. Well, maybe this seesaw isn’t exactly in the past tense, however I have gotten of strength from trying to understand the forces at play that make having a family (and a career, or even just one or the other) so darned hard for all of us. A fantastic read for anyone who cares not just about mothers, but about families in this country.

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well thought out. I especially appreciate that the author provides practical suggestions for policy changes with each chapter. I read it cover to cover and it is a little repetitive at times- quotes, anecdotes and history lessons might appear in more than one chapter. However, I think the author did this to make it easier for each chapter to stand alone as an essay.

Her criticisms are nuanced and calm, which I like. She takes the time to parse out details and will say things like - “While I disagree with that, this other factor is worth taking seriously.” I find this refreshing because it’s a more effective way of having a debate - it leaves the door open for two sides to come together without turning a blind eye to what is so divisive.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Forget Lamaze classes, this was the information I needed before I became a Mother in America. Our country is completely failing women in so many ways, and we ourselves have been complicit in allowing that to happen. I like that this book is not just a historical and factual overview of how we got here, but also gives ideas on how to try to make it better. I also appreciated how the author broke down the Motherhood experience further, by acknowledging that people of color have had different experiences being An American Mother than white women have and how our failure to acknowledge that has made it easier to keep all women from working together in changing the status quo.

[Adrianne Mathiowetz · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book's research and intention felt important, so I wish I'd been able to finish it, but I found the writing style overly rigid: it felt like the platonic ideal of high school essay. I could have diagrammed those chapters. Attention getter! Thesis! Support! Example A! Example B!

However, I am a mother subject to our culture's messed-up-ness about all of it and so I am very tired and I require jazz hands on all my nonfiction these days; take my criticism with that barrel of salt.

[Rachelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Forget Having it All... this book focuses on the history of women and motherhood through the ages. Author offers strong dislike for patriarchy and admonishes men for not taking enough time off work to help with newborns, and boys for not spending enough time caring for young siblings or cousins. Thoughts too radical for my taste. Very dry reading, written like an essay.

[Morgan Schulman · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an advanced readers copy in exchange for an honest review.

Academic and dry, doesn’t break any new ground. You can skip this one because it’s not really a good entry point, and if you’re more advanced than that you already know

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love the concept of this book and it contains good information, but it is too academic in tone for me or the public library where I work. It would be a great college textbook.

I received an ARC from NetGalley.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. This book made me soooooooo very pissed off and yet hopeful at the same time. I loved how there were cultural and policy fixes at the end of each chapter to suggest ways to fix some of the problems that Americans face in caring for others.

[Bruin Mccon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perhaps I have reached my limit for books about how broken our current system is for mothers. This was a great book with important information but the author was preaching to the choir (me).

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing! So much more than I was expecting, this is a true social justice/social reform book rather than the personal self-help style books I've previously encountered as the only takes on motherhood.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting history of American motherhood. Learned quite a few things I didn't know. I appreciate the semi-practical fixes for common, everyday issues. Frustrated by the fact that I'll be lucky to see any of these easy fixes in my lifetime with the way things currently are.

[Ane Hall · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! I learned a lot and I now I don’t fell like I’m wondering through life and as a women and a mother I will appreciate more what women and mothers before me had to go through so I can have the freedom now to make my own choices!

[Chelsea Heath · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting enough but I felt it was heavy on history and light on applicable solutions.

[Mrb625 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very well-researched and thorough information. I learned a lot!

[Corrine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend. History of how we, society, got into this mess and how to individually encourage the collective we to make changes for the better.

[Abigail Drumm · Rating 3 out of 5]

In Forget "Having It All", journalist Amy Westervelt traces the history of motherhood in the United States from colonial times to the modern era in ten chapters, plus a concluding chapter. (The book was published in 2018.) Unlike the other motherhood-focused books that I've recently read (To Have and To Hold and Misconceptions), Westervelt devotes some of the focus in her book to the experiences of mothers who are not middle-class or are members of a racial or ethnic minority, and comments on how these experiences can help inform and shape the dominant narrative of motherhood in the United States, which is often centered on white, middle-class families.

Behind the provocative subtitle, How America Messed Up Motherhood, is a lay academic study that combines historical perspectives, social theories, and anecdotal evidence. Westervelt's main argument is that, while a patriarchical structure may have advanced American society and growth for these first decades, it is not so workable for many Americans in the twenty-first century. In assessing the viability of alternatives, Westervelt examines the histories and politics surrounding abortion, eugenics, marriage and other partnerships, single parenthood, and other topics.

I appreciated the treatments of "the patriarchy" and of masculinity (not entirely condemnatory, as might be expected in this genre of literature), as well as feminism (acknowledging the good and bad advancements and actions), in Forget "Having It All". Westervelt provides details on little-known points in American history, such as the provision of full-service daycare centers during World War II, which made up some of the most valuable content in the book for me. At the end of each chapter, she suggested policies to untangle the mess made of motherhood in the 20th and 21st centuries, which I found less compelling.

Because Westervelt covered so much material (history, social issues, etc.), it seemed at times that fewer pages than preferred were devoted to several points. With a narrower focus, Forget "Having It All" may have been stronger in presenting its arguments and evidence.

[A. J · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book at random the first time I went to my new library. I briefly searched through the parenting section because I was excited to have a library that allowed in-person browsing. But because I had just got my library card there was a limit of a two-book loan. Passing by, I saw the title and thought, “huh, that could be interesting.” And decided to give it a whirl. Little did I know how thought-provoking and insightful this book would be.

Forget “Having It All” is written by a mother and a journalist, which combine in the book beautifully. She speaks from the experiences of trying to navigate home life and childcare with the job she loves. And also speaks from the experience of one who has dove deep into history, statistics, and interviews.

Amy Westervelt breaks down her chapters into specific problems with the American maternity policies, as well as ideals and expectations around motherhood. She walks through the history behind how we got to where we are now, and at the end of each chapter she focuses on what we can do to change. Which as a future historian I really apricated, I learned a lot of fascinating information on the culture of the patriarchy and motherhood. I also enjoyed the pacing of her chapters, which I felt focused just enough on the history without making the book feel like a history textbook. It made the book feel accessible to everyone. Those who wanted to learn more could take a look at her references, and those that don’t have enough information to understand the context.

She walks through the difference between motherhood as an institution and mothering as the individual experience. This book will make you furious, but what I loved about it was the fact that Westervelt also left you feeling like there was hope. In the last chapter of the book she says this, “The patriarchy need not be replaced by a matriarchy per se, so much as a more matrifocal structure that rebalances society around the community rather than the individual.” And I feel like that really sums up the focus of this book.

I would highly recommend this book to all first-time parents because it makes you think about culture and how you want to parent within it. I’m currently almost 23 weeks pregnant and not only did Westervelt’s book give me other books to read, but it also started some very interesting conversations between my husband and I. Motherhood is not a part of life that I want to walk into uneducated and unprepared and this book really helped me to feel like I had more of a handle on the changes coming up.

In the end I gave this book 5 stars on Goodreads.

[Vera · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a working mom, this book didn't tell me a whole lot that I didn't already know about my current situation, but it did give some valuable historical and cultural context to what I feel and experience. For a parent who is struggling to both work and parent, this book could really provide solace to that mom who might be feeling alone in her struggles. I also liked that each chapter ended with a clear and concise "political fix."
The author also goes out of her way to emphasize the different expectations and historical context felt by African-American families and black mothers. As a teacher, this book helped me get more of an understanding of the struggles of my black students and families.
I know it's picky, but the proofreader of this book should have done a search for the word "irregardless" and thersaurus-ed out at least a dozen of them. It was kind of distracting.

[Lizzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even if you aren't a mother this book's explanation of how patriarchy screws everyone over is thorough and accessible. And, unlike a lot of these kinds of books, she makes a pretty good effort to be intersectional. Bonus, she gives ideas for fixing it! Each section has a culture and policy fix and it feels hopeful instead of just angry. I highly recommend to anyone who wants a better understanding of why we need to start listening to women especially minority women when it comes to family policies.

[Paul Gardner · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s a good primer on the issues, but there were several threads started, like how different groups see Motherhood, and never finished, or well developed. At the end, I was left wondering about those.

I enjoyed the history, and as always learned something. I was expecting more of a straight line history, and while that was mostly the case, it veered off course enough that I was lost in a few if the chapters.

As it got closer to modern times, I recognized more, and was able to tie in my own memories of what I thought at that time.

[Rebecca McPhedran · Rating 2 out of 5]

An all-over-the-place book about the changing roles and expectations of motherhood. From Puritanical pioneers to "leaning in" to our jobs, and delaying motherhood, this book covers it all. And it doesn't seem to cover it very well. I felt like she had some very important points...specifically gender roles, and how to change them, and the idea of subsidized childcare, but I felt like overall, she kept repeating herself. Other times while reading I couldn't follow her rambling train of thought.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amy Westervelt is the co-host of the Labor podcast, https://www.criticalfrequency.org/labor, and some of the research from this book is highlighted in the podcast. What I really appreciated about Westervelt is how she expands the view of many books in this genre, that of a white women, and discusses how different times in history affected women of color. She also offers solutions to many of the problems society faces today.

[Leandra Askew · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of those books that we should all read. Whether you’re a parent or not the ideas Westervelt puts forth are real solutions to changing the “traditional” roles of men and women. I particularly enjoyed learning about the myriad of ways men and women are forced into their roles. The way history shaped the expectations of women and mothers was eye opening as well. This book was well done and put into perspective so much of what I have experienced as a woman and mother.

[Jen Hubbard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful and infuriating overview of motherhood in America. The policy and societal recommendations at the end of each chapter were a nice addition that keep it from feeling overly like a history lesson. It was a good overview for someone that admittedly hasn’t read much about the history of women’s rights or feminism in America.