Wow...I'm kind of lost for words right now, I feel like I should take a step back and tell you why writing this review right now is so strange for me, it's not because I'm reviewing an MC book, which I rarely do, but because I've just finished my first beta read through of Tank, I usually beta read, then send back feedback, then changes may be made and I read it again, I'll usually talk through scenes with the author until everything makes sense...but that's why this is so different, because this review is my feedback, and I need to talk it out.
Ivy is, well we know she's messed up, when we meet her in Kick we know that she's lived through some pretty bad stuff, we know she's a club whore for Savage Saints MC, we know that she lives her life coked off her face, high as a kite, being passed around the club brothers, we know she likes rough sex, rougher than slightly kinky stuff we all like to read about in our books, and we know that her father sexually abused her as a child. The sheer pain and agony that lanced through me reading that in Kick...I have no words for it, father's are supposed to protect their children, they are the first man a little girl will love, and they are the man that should teach a girl how she deserves to be treated, and I guess in some ways he did do that, he taught her the way a girl should be treated by men, but worse than that he succeeded in instilling in her the belief that she was worthless.
When I first met Ivy I didn't want to like her, the idea of MC clubs and old ladies, and club whores is why I don't read this genre, I don't want read about women who willingly sleep with married men, or men who can't keep it in their pants, I don't want to read about coked up junkies, or women who willingly allow themselves to be shared between a clubhouse full of men, I honestly didn't see how I could possibly understand why Ivy was okay with the way she lived, the way she seemed to relish and revel in club life, but from the very first page in Tank my heart broke for her, as her past is revealed piece by horrifying piece I wanted to climb into the pages and wrap my arms around her, I wanted to dry her eyes, and tell her everything would be alright, I wanted to tell her that she was a warrior, that she had lived through more than she should ever have had to endure, I wanted to slay her dragons and fight her demons, but more than anything I wanted someone else to stand up for her, I wanted someone to prove to her that she wasn't useless, she wasn't worthless.
Tank is...Tank is strong, and tough, he's scary as hell, he's a cold blooded killer, and yet he would lay down his life for those close to him, he see's something in Ivy almost immediately, he knows enough about her past to want to protect her and help her heal, he wants her to want to live out of the shadows of drug abuse and sexual servitude, he wants to break down her walls, tear away the grief of a shattered childhood that's held her hostage for so many years, to give her a chance to believe in something more than pain and destruction.
"Talk to me. Use me as your fuckin' punchin' bag. Let me be your drug. Let me help you forget."
I feel like I'm rambling, but there's so much emotion floating around in my head, my stomach is still churning and my hands are still jittery, Ivy and Tank are so fully embedded in my heart that I can't shake them free, words and lines are floating through my mind, this is not a story for the faint hearted, its graphic at times, we see the real side of drug use, not the fun party side of it that so many of us have dabbled in at some point in our lives, there are moments that are so torturous, so painful, so raw that I wanted to walk away, I wanted to shut my mind to the pain Ivy has endured, I wanted to pretend it wasn't real, that people don't really go through this in real life, but the problem is, it does happen, I've seen the kind of destruction a man who "loves" his children to much can do. Despite the sheer agony that Carmen Jenner portrays in Tank, it never felt forced, it never felt overly done, there were moments where the author pulled back from being graphic for the sake of shock value, there's still explicit sex, and there's a level of filthiness to their frank conversations that once upon a time would of shocked me but instead felt natural here.
For me there were so many moments that Jenner could of pushed the envelope more trying to cash in on the bad boy biker MC train but nothing about Tank felt forced, nothing felt stilted, it was raw and explicit and at times graphic, it was absolutely gut wrenching to read and take in, it pushed me past my limits and made me feel every kind of emotion from sickened to overjoyed to hot under the collar, Jenner has a knack for writing tough as nails alpha males, but what I adore is that her heroines are survivors, warriors, women who have lived through the worst life can throw at them, through heartbreak, mental illness, sexual abuse, infidelity, drug use, self harm, Ivy has seen the very worst side of society and has found her way to live in that world, she's found a way to quell the rising water that threatens to drown her, she's found a way to escape the pain of her past, drugs and sex have become her floatation device, pleasure to bury the pain, drugs to make her forget, she's damaged and broken and she's taped herself back together the only way she can live with and despite her belief that she's weak she's so much stronger than she realises, this book may be called Tank, but for me Ivy is very much the hero, he can't heal her, but he gives her the strength to fight her way out of the darkness and into the light.
Tank reminded me why I read, to step outside of my comfort zone, to be challenged, to live someone else's life if only for a moment in time, even if it breaks my spirit and my heart in the process, Carmen Jenner writes these kinds of stories, she takes me on a journey I don't always want to go on, her words wrap themselves around my heart and hold it tight, every nuance acts as a salve to my broken and battered soul, Tank is dark and heartbreaking and yet simultaneously uplifting, it's a reminder that even during the darkest moments, the moments that threaten to annihilate you, to drag you under that there's light, there's beauty, there's hope.