How to Really Love Your Child

by Ross Campbell

Does your child feel your love? This work helps your child to blossom.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Christian, Relationships, Psychology, Self Help

168 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 1977

Reviews

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would have NEVER picked this book to read based on the title and cover, but I'm so glad a friend recommended it to me! The author points out quickly that we may love our children, but the child may not be feeling loved or perceive love based on our actions. Really good to encourage you to examine what you're currently doing and thru examples showing you pitfalls to avoid and what you should be focusing on. I love that he gives simple things one can do as you look at your child's behavior that are steps before discipline. Strongly recommend - especially if you had narcissistic parenting based on conditional (not unconditional) love.

[Ruben · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't typically enjoy child-rearing books, so the fact that I didn't have a great time reading this doesn't say much about the usefulness of the information. In short, it's very helpful.

The good: the main argument, that children can't always interpret the subtleties of adult communication, is well made. We need to show our love to our children in unmistakable ways. Mr. Campbell seems to have written the book with the chapters in a very particular order. For example, loving eye contact and focused attention must come before discipline. In fact, he makes the point that parents often want to interpret behavior as being defiant or ill-willed, but the problem can often be resolved by asking, "What is the child really asking for?" and giving the appropriate amount of attention and affection.

The bad: at times the points he makes are extremely unscientific, supported by conjecture rather than by any fact. In one terrible example, he cites what a boy would have felt as an adult if he hadn't died as a child as evidence for how we need to love our children today. Pretty creative. He also uses his own interpretation of a family relationship (that the mother is actually jealous of the father/daughter bond) as evidence of his hypothesis (that sometimes parents are jealous of their children). Pretty circular.

All in all, though, I know that there are several elements that my wife and I can take from this as we raise our two young children. We'll be sure to show our real love.

[R.J. Rodda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Important, timeless advice in this. How to make a child feel loved and keep their love tank filled. My edition is slightly dated in the way it describes contemporary society (I think society is much more permissive these days) but the principles themselves are valuable treasures that will help your child feel secure in your love.

[Hilary Treat · Rating 5 out of 5]

YES

I will re-read this book until my kids are old enough to move onto “How to really love your teen.” EXCELLENT advice for any parent, especially one like me - I am not naturally a nurturing mother. I needed this book so badly at this point in my life.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. I'll be getting myself a copy so I can refer to it and underline some sections.

The first parenting book I read on gentle parenting left me frustrated. I admire a lot of things about this style of parenting, as it focuses on raising emotionally healthy and expressive kids, staying peaceful yourself, and explaining stuff to your children. Yet, the first book I read on the subject made a lot of sweeping judgments about what a house with more traditional punishments was like that didn't ring true in my life.

This book was much better for me. While Campbell obviously doesn't think much of corporal punishment or some other disciplinary measures (a position I can respect), he shared a much better framework from the ground up on child-rearing that helped me to understand where he was coming from and respect his position even more. He even has me rethinking some assumptions I've made for years on the subject.

I love how this book was so practical on how to show your children love. It made me fondly remember so many of the things my parents did right (can I give a big shout out to them for figuring out how to give all of their many children 1-on-1 time?) as well as clearly see some of the gaps Ifelt in their parenting, but wasn't sure how to express (dealing with anger).

Like I said, I will be rereading this, and I feel more open to some books on gentle parenting than I did after finishing the first book I read on the subject, even though this book isn't exactly a gentle parenting method.

Note: I read the 2015 revised and updated version.

[Draganka · Rating 4 out of 5]

Прекрасна книга, изключвайки препратките към Библията, които обаче са доста на място. Чудесен подход към възпитанието на детето, основаващ се на любяща дисциплина, безусловна любов (такава, която се проявява винаги, въпреки поведението на детето) и поддръжка на пълен емоционален резервоар. С тази основа, детето е по-податливо на възпитание, отразява нашето отношение като огледало и връща онова, което му е дадено многократно. Мога само да препоръчам, особено след трета глава и без главата за религиозното възпитание. Отговорът на всичко е любов (и то безусловна), нейното показване при всякакви случаи и постоянпп, търпение, зачитане и познаване на чувствата и на нуждите на детето.

[Angela · Rating 1 out of 5]

"I think many loving parents would be greatly helped in this difficult area if they realized that: (1) every child, regardless of age, needs appropriate physical contact; (2) to have some occasional sexual feelings or fleeting sexual fantasies regarding a child is normal;..."

"Notice that I did not say unconditional love will abolish the need for corporal punishment. How I wish it could, but it won’t."

WT****?????

[Alethea · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thought the first half of the book was good, but then it got a little to indulgent for my taste and did not really provide practical ways to deal with kids when they are being disobedient. As with most parenting books it had good and bad points.

[Francine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like many others, I totally judged this book by its cover and would not have read it if we weren't doing it as part of our Mom's Bible study at church. I think it has some fantastic practical advice on how to show your children love and I recommend it for that. However I think his approach to discipline is lax, and his assertion that being angry with your child has "horrific" ramifications is absent of the gospel. According to my pastor's wife, it is a good companion book to "Shepherding Your Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp (which I plan to read next).

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is among the best book i've read on how to use simple and practical ways to show your child the kind of unconditional love that will help them thrive behaviorally, relationally and emotionally. Beginning with simple practices like making eye contact, physical touch and focused attention, Campbell then moves into behavioral issues and how to better understand them and respond with what is needed by the child. When the child's true and basic needs are met, behavior problems tend to be alleviated automatically.

[Chris J · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this per my wife's request. She had read it and wanted my take on Campbell's thoughts.

My evaluation is that his points are fairly obvious and that the book's mere existence is unnecessary. His writing style is, nicht sehr gut, making even a 141-page book laborious.

I would not recommend Campbell, but I still think my wife is really great.

[Rebekah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this was decent. Some of it was really helpful, and I appreciated that aspect of the book. However, the author seemed very stuck on the fact that children who receive inadequate amounts of love from their parents are more prone to joining .... cults? He mentions this repeatedly, and I felt that was certainly an odd thing to fixate on. Mixed review. Also got a bit preachy at the end.

[Kaori Flores · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lo recomiendo. El niño necesita tener su tanque emocional lleno primero que nada, sin ello es imposible entrar a temas de disciplina. Miradas directas, atención concentrada, son algunas acciones que como papá necesitas dar a tu hijo para hacerlo sentirse plena e incondicionalmente amado.

[Marla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great parenting book. Simple, not overwhelming with advice, and gives you simple guidelines to show your children that they are safe and lived.

[Christa Cordova · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most practical basic parenting book I've read to date. This is going to be my new baby gift for new parents!

[Aja · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this! Easy to understand and so very practical! The hardest part of being a mom to twins is feeling guilty that you never got that one on one time that parents with single babies get to experience. Then you fear that your babies aren’t getting as much love as they should be and that they’re being neglected (AKA it’s easy to spiral). This book was so encouraging to me because it easily lays out the physical/mental/psychological needs children have in order to feel love from their parents. Eye contact, physical contact, focused attention, these are things I was able to be intentional about even as I read this book and I feel as though it has already made a difference in my one year olds.

I appreciate his views on discipline, what it truly is (not just punishment), and how to be effective while respecting the child and their psychology. I think his comments on corporal punishment was well done. Here are a few other tidbits I gathered:

-We can be confident that a child is correctly disciplined only of the parents primary relationship with the child is one of unconditional love.

-When a child is angry speak to them with sentences that end in upward inflections (like yogi the bear)

-We cannot separate love and discipline… punishment is a very small part of discipline

-“The “two year old negativism” is crucial for normal child development. The child will eventually do what we ask but they must say “no” first. This is one of the ways each of us had to separate ourselves psychologically from our parents. It may appear to be defiance but it is distinctively different.

The title says it all. I would say if you’re looking for a good biblical christian parenting book, especially one on how to love your children well that aligns with child psychology, this is it right here!

[Amanda Tero · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started this book just to see how it was, thinking I wasn’t in the season of needing it yet, since I have no problem loving my baby since he’s not testing boundaries yet.

What I did not expect was to find this book so healing. Having been raised with some IBLP/ATI teachings and hearing some pretty harsh teachings from the pulpit, I needed the balance of this book.

Relearning how discipline doesn’t always mean punishment was super helpful from this book (he always added a parenthesis with discipline to verify what he meant).

There were just so many parts about considering the emotional needs of the child without being a permissive parent that I appreciated.

Overall, I loved this book. I started it as a library ebook then ordered the paperback because there was so much I was highlighting that I want to revisit.

As with everything, there are a few parts I’m not sure I’ll follow and some things I just overlooked that I didn’t like, but I feel like this book has equipped me with wisdom that I didn’t have before so I can be a better Christian parent to my child.

Note: I did read an updated version

[Daniel Kleven · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent.

The foundation of all parenting is unconditional love, and making sure your child *knows* they are loved unconditionally, through eye contact, physical contact, and focused attention. Only on this foundation can effective discipline (requests, commands, rewards, and punishments), and--when needed--punishments be used.

Campbell takes a strong position against the way physical punishment can be misused, and I appreciated his approach to this.

It originally came out in 1977. In the mix of Christian parenting philosophies, programs, seminars, and books, I had never heard of Campbell until recently. As so many approaches are critiqued for their deficiencies, or outright abuses, it's helpful to know that there have been more healthy alternatives all along.

Highly recommend for parents, teachers, or anyone who works with kids.

[Nathan]

the good:
- learning to not just “love” your kid but work to make sure your kid “feels” loved through eye contact, focused attention, and physical touch
- hardest part of parenting isn’t really knowing techniques, but knowing when and how to apply
- good reminder to be aware of ways to fill child’s emotional tank

the bad:
- some of his examples were a bit jarring (e.g., dad was mean to kid who then runs out and gets hit by a car, daughter has sex w people bc mom is jealous of her relationship w dad)
- perhaps a bit of an overcorrection against the prevalent parenting techniques of the 70s (“behavioral modification” and punishment as primary form of discipline)
- could’ve been shorter?

[Taylor · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unless you want to parent like you’re in a very conservative parenting style house in the 70s I do not recommend. Outdated parenting and marriage advice (woman serves her husband, VOM).

The only thing he teaches that I got out of it is you love your kids the same on the good and bad days not just celebrating the wins and kicking them when they’re down and yes, marriage takes work one where both sides should invest in the other.

Also, why was it necessary to point out if a wife was attractive in a marriage dispute example? And no, he did not point out if the male was attractive.

[Stacy Myers · Rating 4 out of 5]

I usually hate parenting books - but I enjoyed this one immensely! So much so that I ordered his other books before I even finished this one!
I only gave it 4 stars because I would have enjoyed more examples and stories of application.

But really, He breaks parenting down into easy factual steps. Things I can actually implement and have - including eye contact with our kids. It makes a big difference!!

[Stela Idrizi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truly enjoyed this book and found great help. I borrowed it from the library but after finishing reading it I bought my own personal copy to reread. I also bought two more copies to share with a friend and my sister.

[Taylor Steele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Books like these are particularly healing after having been around and influenced by a strong culture of "physical discipline first". Wish I had read it 8 years ago! Highly recommend to any parents.

[Karen Kimsal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some really good nuggets, and some stuff that I wouldn’t totally agree with! But thankful for some parenting knowledge!

[Anthony Barden · Rating 4 out of 5]

First off the list of the parenting books I intend to read.

Quite an easy read, two 45 minute sessions over two days. The book make a really strong argument for unconditional love. Which as Dr. Campbell points out is love for a person "no matter what". With regards to children, loving them regardless of who they are, of how they live up to expectations, regardless of their behaviour.

With this as the foundation the book, Dr. Campbell then proceeds to detail how unconditional love can be expressed to children. Briefly put Dr. Campbell argues that children feel love through: eye contact, physical contact, focused attention and discipline. Discipline receives a larger section because Dr. Campbell is wary to emphasise unconditional love and worries that people often jump to discipline (specifically understanding discipline as punishment) too quickly.

I think the foundation the book argues for is great. I felt Dr. Campbell's passion seeping through for parents to express unconditional love in a way that children will understand. Another positive of the book was that it was very easy to read. This is a very approachable book that you don't need a PhD to understand.

I felt like the practical advise was more of a framework which required that I needed to then actively discuss with my wife how these principles would play out in raising our children. I think that others would see this framework approach (even though it is illustrated with examples) as inferior to a book that provided a comprehensive to-do list, setting out in concrete steps what course of action to take under each circumstance. However, though it requires more effort to apply Dr. Campbell's framework to our lives, it is still possible to do so - and I believe that it has the advantage of being easier to remember and apply to each circumstance as it comes up.

Non-Christian readers might be put off by the Christian undertones that the book carries, though from a theological point of view the scriptural references aren't misinterpreted by Dr. Campbell - he doesn't twist the Bible to say something it doesn't. He even argues against people that do so (specifically in reference to misinterpreting the Bible for parenting purposes).

Dr. Campbell is apologetic in referencing himself and his family and I would have preferred if he had other people's stories to share. Some of his anecdotal stories are a bit over the top and slightly distracted from the message he was putting across.

Overall a good read, great principles as my wife and I look forward to welcoming our son into the world. A recommended read from me.

[Diana of Shelved by Strand · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can see why another reviewer has called it the best book on parenting, ever. The basic premise is one I first learned back in Human Relations in college: kids need their "love bucket" filled by their parents and a bucket that is lacking will be shown in current or future problems. Our children are asking "Do you love me?" with their behavior constantly and the answer they receive is the most important thing in their lives. Only if their emotional tank is full can kids be at their best and do their best -- and it's the parent's responsibility to keep it full (p. 34.)

So how do we keep kids' emotional tanks full? Well, they don't use words to ask if we love them and they're generally not looking for words in response. Our kids need to know that their parents love each other and that we need to love them unconditionally -- "discipline" comes much later in the picture and is only a very small part of parenting.

Campbell says that before we apply his advice on discipline, we have to first make sure we're loving our children unconditionally and filling their emotional tanks with eye contact, physical contact, and focused attention. Before "discipline" we need to train our children in positive ways like guidance, example, modeling, and instruction.

When our children misbehave, our first response ought to be to ask ourselves if they are lacking in unconditional love and fill those needs of contact and attention first. And when a child is sorry, we need to forgive, and let the child know that he is forgiven. It is our response in these moments that is critical to our relationships with our children.

Excellent book -- one I'll be purchasing in the very near future.

[Ginny Pennekamp · Rating 1 out of 5]

Kyle's parents gave us this book to read, because it's how they raised their children. And that's exactly what made this book relatively unhelpful to us. It's exactly how we were raised. It's the cutting edge of theories in 1982: which is to say a mix of "share emotions with your child" that are now widely accepted, and "make your child feel they're special" which are now somewhat controversial and out of fashion.

The only good reason to read this book: IF YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM THE MOONIES. I don't even know if the Moonies exist anymore, but according to this book, in 1982 they were stealing babies away like no one's business and this was a serious problem needing to be addressed in every single chapter. Give your child love, or the Moonies will do it.

One of the funnier things about reading this book 30 years after it's publication date is that Dr. Ross D. Campbell has ZERO sense of humor about the book title, or the chapter titled "Appropriate and Inappropriate Love." Neither even mentions the subject you're thinking about right now. In any way.

He also tells a cautionary tale not to be missed, where a young child wanted to give his dad 50 kisses for his 50th birthday. The dad was annoyed, sent the child on his way. The child immediately got on his bike, rode into the street, was hit by a car AND DIED. But, Dr. Ross Campbell assures you, had this child lived, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER FORGIVEN HIS FATHER FOR THIS KIND OF EMOTIONAL FAILURE.

And there you have it. How to REALLY love your child.

[Kyle Pennekamp · Rating 3 out of 5]

My parents gave me this book when they found out Ginny was pregnant... they'd read it in 1982 when I was a little one. Its basic premise is that of course everyone (well, you know what I mean) loves their child... not everyone is good is showing their child their love. It stresses eye contact, physical contact, and focused attention. It reminds you that "discipline" should be the GOAL, not just an action. Basically... make sure your child's "emotional tank" is full before you take any further steps in response to any action.

What's interesting, from a sociological point of view, is that you can trace so much of what people are calling today's kids' "entitlement" issues to a more severe and unchecked version of this book. It takes a lot of pains to tell fathers: we need to be emotionally open and supportive. Whereas we were raised well past this: when we were teens we were told to be the "sensitive man of the 90s!" We grew up on Friends! So some of this is funny to read, but was written for a generation (my parents) whose own parents were not so big on showing emotion. It's easy to trace the lines of the problems then to the problems now: an over-correction on emotion.

Glad I read it: parenting is going to be a serious gig. On to the next baby book.

[Pumpkin+Bear · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am NOT interested in Christian-themed books, but this one is absolutely readable even so. I read this book as a compantion, really, to Unconditional Parenting, and frankly, I found this one to be much more practical in the short term. Unconditional Parenting goes on and on and on about how not to parent your kids, so much so that the first time I read it, I gave up on it before I even got past that, and was left thinking, "Well, what DO I do?"

How to Really Love Your Child, on the other hand, offers practical advice, and the reasoning behind it, from step one. Even if you haven't read far, and even if you're not ready to completely overhaul the way you parent, you can certainly start to make an effort to look your children directly in their eyes whenever you speak. And look your partner in the eyes, while you're at it. Hell, look EVERYONE in the eyes! It's a good beginning.

A couple of place in the book freaked me out a little--I could have just skipped that sensual bit altogther, thank you very much, and "appropriate boy affection"="whatever," in my mind--but overall the book rang true to me as a parent, and I think I'm doing a little bit of a better job because of it.

[Brenda]

This is a really great read for any parent, but especially those parents who have multiple children. Not all children respond to the same forms of affection and this book helps to point out why showing affection in the form each individual child understands is so important.

The book offers practical advice and techniques on how to connect with your child, as well as offers explanation as to the "why" of each. Even incorporating a few of these techiniques in your interaction with your children, regardless of their age, can really help to establish a loving bond between parent and child, or even help to repair that bond if it has been damaged. When you start to love your children unconditionally, you're children will sense it and will respond positively to the change in your own interaction with them.

Again, this is a wonderful book and I think every parent should have the opportunity to read it and apply it to their own children.

I received a free copy of this book through Netgallery in exchange for my honest opinion. My opinion is my own and I have not been told what to say.