Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life

by Justin L. Lehmiller

A leading expert on human sexuality and author of the blog Sex and Psychology offers an unprecedented look at sexual fantasy based on the most comprehensive, scientific survey ever undertaken. What do Americans really want when it comes to sex? And is it possible for us to get what we want? Justin J. Lehmiller, one of the country's leading experts on human sexuality and author of the popular blog Sex and Psychology, has made it his career's ambition to answer these questions. He recently concluded the largest and most comprehensive scientific survey of Americans' sexual fantasies ever undertaken, a monumental two-year study involving more than 4,000 Americans from all walks of life, answering questions of unusual scope. Based on this study, Tell Me What You Want offers an unprecedented look into our fantasy worlds and what they reveal about us. It helps readers to better understand their own sexual desires and how to attain them within their relationships, but also to appreciate why the desires of their partners may be so incredibly different. If we only better understood the incredible diversity of human sexual desire and why this diversity exists in the first place, we would experience less distress, anxiety, and shame about our own sexual fantasies and better understand why our partners often have sexual proclivities that are so different from our own. Ultimately, this book will help readers to enhance their sex lives and to maintain more satisfying relationships and marriages in the future by breaking down barriers to discussing sexual fantasies and allowing them to become a part of readers' sexual realities.

Genres: Sexuality, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Science, Self Help, Audiobook

289 pages, Kindle Edition

Published July 10, 2018

Reviews

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this book up because I hoped it'd be educational, which it partially was. As I kept reading, it became clear to me that there was a distinct focus on heterosexual cis people. In sections where I expected the author to talk more about different sexualities or gender presentations, he did not. There were a lot of generalizations based on the survey data that we weren't privy to, so it was hard to draw more nuanced conclusions than the author. This is especially true when the author talks about the "ideal" man or woman that people tend to find attractive.

This book focused heavily on heterosexual people and men vs. women. It's hard to imagine that this was due to a lack of data on other sexualities because 72% of the survey respondents said they were straight, so 28% were not. Many times when other sexualities are mentioned, they tend to be gay or lesbian (5.7% of respondents). The text tends to gloss over the bi/pan/queer audience in ways that I was very disappointed with. There wasn't anything glaringly bad said about bi/pan/queer people but it was often absent, which is sometimes just as bad.

Ultimately, I learned some from this book but not as much as I'd hoped. If you're new to sexuality books, straight, cis, and curious, this might be a really great book for you! But if you deviate from that a bit, you might not get as much out of it as you'd hoped.

[Dr. J. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I spend a lot of time in the sex fantasy world writing, sex-positive literary erotica, it thrilled me when this book came out. As a retired sex therapist who loves sex science, I couldn’t wait to see the results of a large research study.
Justin Lehmiller writes with a knack for plain speak about research topics. It makes this a solid read for researchers and non-researchers alike. Not only does he provide new information for the world about what Americans think, he positions his work with a dose of permission for all of us to find out who we are, going past shame, guilt, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, and disgust which keeps us from fully recognizing our sexual selves.
The layout of his book is logical and straightforward. The first five chapters provide the facts of the research. The last three discuss how understanding your sexual desires can benefit your sex life, how to take your fantasy into reality and finally, the importance of communication in discussing your desires with a partner or partners.
He has balanced that fine line between terrific dissemination of research data and educating us with a sex-positive stance. I appreciated his detail of definitions to ensure that readers understood the different topics and how they were used in the study. Readers can come away with a hopeful view of self and sexuality. I highly recommend this book.

[Vasco · Rating 4 out of 5]

The bad: not necessarily a bad thing, but I was expecting a book on how the science and all the statistics presented in a book actually translate to novelty in the bedroom. Specific techniques or similar. The book feels, in fact, like a scientific manual, but it's presented like a set of statistics of different experiments and aggregations of the former. It feels like a scientific compendium versus an applicable book.

The good: it's an interesting read with some surprising findings out of these aforementioned statistics.

[Bon Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely perfect sexual education for grownups, that you didn't even know you needed. Choke-full of genitalia blowing facts of the best kind: some of them completely counterintuitive, and others contrarian to widely accepted, "official" corpus of knowledge. Due to overpowering and all-pervading nature of sexuality, I would go so far as to conclude this is a must for everyone who wants to be up to date in this world in any sense, sensuality and regard.

[Mediaman · Rating 1 out of 5]

Shockingly inept and unscientific. This book is not based on true scientific research and no conclusions can be drawn from the ridiculous survey the author did of a few thousand people. While he complains about Freud, he should worry about fraud in the name of science, from a guy who is endorsed by Dr. Phil.

This "social psychologist" asks people online to complete a survey of over 350 questions, then draws wild conclusions about all of America from the very non-scientific results. So many problems, anyone who took a basic college research methodology class will recognize that absolutely none of what this author concludes based on the data can be called science, instead he's just spouting his own biased opinions and extrapolating inappropriately to all of the U.S.

First, this is not a random scientific survey of America--anyone online could complete it and the author admits that it skewed very young, very tech savvy, and very liberal. Almost no conservatives or Republicans or evangelical Christians completed this survey (so about half of America was not represented fairly), and it unfairly misrepresented ethnics and sexual demographic groups.

So how can Lehmiller draw legit scientific conclusions from it? He can't. But that doesn't stop him from publishing it and claiming it's science. It isn't. This book is a perfect example of what's wrong with those that believe in "science" today. All he can do is tell you what 4100 online people responded, and not apply it to America as a whole.

Up front he defends the data claiming that he suspects that it represents culture and that despite real data showing few people being anything but straight, he believes there are many more sexually ambiguous people in America than reported. How does he know that? Some other survey said one-third of all people are open to non-traditional sexual roles! He draws a conclusion based on one poll, of which no other information is given.

So the author brings his own biases into interpreting the data, brought his biases into forming the questions, and wants us to believe his conclusions are objective based purely on scientific research. False.

Second, to complete a 369-question survey takes a lot of time and dedication. Any researcher knows that only those dedicated to the subject will devote that kind of time to a long questionnaire, which means totally biased results. When's the last time you answered a 369-question survery? Didn't think so. So we have a non-scientific survey being completed by sexual devotees that have a self-interest in seeing a less repressive society.

Third, the author seems to have no boundaries or rules for sexual behavior. It's "anything goes" when it comes to fantasy for what society calls "normal." What that entails, according to him, is non-monogamy, multiple partners, BDSM, violence, forced sex, and gender-bending. He considers those all normal. He does at one point say "My goal is to help break down the barriers to discussing sexual fantasies that exist in your own life so that you might allow those fantasies--the ones that are safe, legal, and consensual--to become part of your sexual reality."

So he WANTS you to do those things--he WANTS illicit fantasies to become reality . The book seems like a propaganda tool attempting to normalize deviant behavior. How can certain sexual practices have been considered wrong for four thousand years, then in the past couple decades become "normal?" And his throw-away line about it being "safe" and "legal" isn't actually true. He condemns society and the psychiatric profession for categorizing many sexual behaviors as being abnormal or illegal. He certainly does not abide by the idea that something needs to be legal in order for it to be your sexual reality.

So the writer lies about having boundaries and lies about the objectivity of the conclusions.

The word "normal" is what gets him into trouble because when it comes to sexuality "normal" is an opinion word. He does not back up his beliefs in what's normal with anything scientific--certainly these survey results can't be called real research. This is simply a biased writer drawing conclusions that he wants to push on America based on a straw poll of people that are mostly liberal and want a freer sexual society. The author uses the results from his self-created straw poll to justify calling for societal and legal changes to allow people to break moral and legal commitments.

This is a total waste. It's more like a leftist Ph.D. dissertation that raises more questions than provides answers, and should not have been published. If it would have faced the juried scrutiny of actual academics it would have failed and never seen print. In the end Lehmiller fails to do what he claims to do in the title, not showing readers what the true science is of sexual fantasy is nor how it can help improve sex lives.

[SteveGlickman · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a disappointment. It's not scientific despite the title. It basically amounts to a "survey says" Family Feud style narrative where the author summarizes the results of the unscientific survey he conducted on social media. The author admits at the beginning of the book that the people who chose to respond to the survey are not representative of the general population, but then spends the rest of the book making claims about the general population. The title of Chapter 2 is "The Seven Most Common Sexual Fantasies in America", which should be titled "The Seven Most Common Sexual Fantasies According to the People who Chose to Respond to my Survey." It's odd that a PhD would try to pass off as science something really no better than a game show survey. The anecdotes from the surveys are occasionally interesting, which is why I gave it 2-stars instead of 1.

[Arina · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was fun at first but he has a lot of questionable things in here that just didn’t sit right with me lol.

[Charlie Jackson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as interesting as I thought it would be especially given the subject matter.

I’ll give it points for being digestible and even funny at times. Wish it wasn’t so repetitive though.

[Joseph Scaduto · Rating 3 out of 5]

This science-driven, evidence-based book was both interesting and enlightening, as well as entertaining. Although I wasn't surprised by the range of sexual fantasies survey respondents indicated (with some notable exceptions), I was intrigued by how these fantasies correlated with various personality traits and past experiences. I appreciated the author's attempt to "normalize" various fantasies (statistically) for a society that is hyper-concerned about acceptance and the potential for embarrassment and shame. Moreover, I liked the various recommendations to open and improve communication about "what you want" in the bedroom. For a topic that can be highly personal (if not secretive) and often uncomfortable for many, this was a very good read!

[Graham Holloway · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have ever read. As someone studying to be a sex therapist and sex educator, I cannot stress the importance of this book enough. A lot of people today find it's easier to have sex than to talk about it, hopefully this book kick starts a long overdue conversation about sex.

[Rachel Y · Rating 3 out of 5]

In my opinion this should've remained an article, maybe two. Got really tiresome in the end, speculation after speculation based on one study. Still very supportive of the overall project though and the rigor of his approach/attempt to destigmatize various forms of desire.

[Marko Suomi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kiinnostava kirja tutkimuksesta, jossa kartoitettiin ihmisten seksuaalisia fantasioita. Haastaa tutustumaan omiin fantasioihin, ja opettelemaan keskustelemaan niistä, koska se tutkitusti lisää elämänlaatua.

[Jon Seals · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is based on a survey of more than 4,000 Americans. There is nothing weird or scary. Dr. Lehmiller does a good job of exploring the results without shaming or sensationalizing anyone. It's fairly tame.

[Brad · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was really looking forward to this book as I am a clinician in the fields of mental and sexual health. Ultimately, I was left rather disappointed with this book.

As others have noted, the book seems to be quite inflated, especially in the later half. Ideas are repeated ad nauseum and simple concepts are stretched out for pages at a time. A sharp, swift edit would have made the book much stronger (albeit quite a bit shorter).

Additionally, much of the book is conjecture. The author presents a statistic from his research and then expounds for a while on why he assumes this is the case - without reference to any studies, theories, or research that might support his idea. It really weakens his arguments and muddies the line between the science and the author's opinion.

The book's content is heavily focused on cisgender, heterosexual individuals (despite a good chunk of the author's survey respondents identifying as non-heterosexual). Transgender, nonbinary, and genderfluid people are essentially undiscussed apart from a few throw-away one liners, with the notable exception of the author's musings on how some transgender people may medically transition for sexual thrills. (Although he does back this opinion up with some findings from his research, given the general lack of attention paid to the experiences of trans folks throughout the book, this section left a rather bad taste in my mouth.) The author also occasionally uses outdated, potentially offensive language in relation to these communities.

Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and other non-heterosexual groups are also largely ignored. There is some brief discussion about how the fantasies of these groups may differ from those of heterosexual people but we never really spend much time exploring these communities. This was especially surprising to me as (to the best of my knowledge) Lehmiller identifies as gay himself.

On the positive side, the book is written in simple, easily accessible language and in a tone that is jocular and warm. It does a nice job of normalizing a variety of sexual fantasies and offers some simple, practical tips on how to discuss fantasies with a sexual or romantic partner.

[Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really fascinating read on sexual fantasy. Basically, we all have similar sexual fantasies, but in part because the US education system is so f*cked when it comes to sex ed, we all carry a lot of shame around those fantasies, think we're weird for having them, and aren't great about communicating about them. This book has honestly profoundly changed the way I view sex and my own fantasies, for the better. Combined with Come As You Are, this is one of the most empowering books about sex that I've read.

It is def primarily oriented towards monogamous cis-het relationships, which was my only issue about it. I think likely because most of the data he collected was from cis-het folks, but he does still talk about LGBTQ+, poly sexuality and sex-lives, just not to the same extent.

[Missy Ghoul · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very interesting book. I really appreciated that the author was trying to get the message across that we as a society need to rethink what we consider "normal." Turns out we all have fantasies and there are some that are pretty common among most people. Having read a few other books on sexuality, this one fits for the most part along with the concepts and ideas in those. What infuriated me when reading this was the end of the book when the author starts discussing the ways American education fundamentally fails the children when it comes to sex education. It's great to see an example of the Dutch system that actually works. I'm just mad that we can't seem to get out of our own way here in this country to actually teach kids and teens what they need to know to be responsible.

[Dexter · Rating 3 out of 5]

I learned a little bit, and I liked the authors open view of everything, but I had issues with the survey itself being mostly based on responses via Reddit and Twitter. Yes most people on social media are American, but how can one say that the responses show what is considered “normal” in America?

[Sammie · Rating 2 out of 5]

where was the science???

[Tressa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really excellent title. The information was presented thoroughly and thoughtfully and brought relevant scientific and cultural insights to the author's survey findings. A couple of takeaways from this book:

1) Pretty much everyone has sexual fantasies (very normal!) and many of us share similar fantasies - so much so that the author grouped them into the 7 most common types.

2) There are many influencing factors (sexual identity, sexual orientation, age, political affiliation (!), religion, etc.) that shape an individual's sexual fantasies.

3) If you read this title, you may learn some interesting things about yourself, but in a safe and grounded way. (I did!)

If I had one bit of criticism, I wish the discussion had included a little bit more nuance around different sexual orientations and identities (trans, pansexual, etc.). The findings focused mainly on cisgender hetero and gay & lesbian individuals, but maybe this is a result of the survey results.

If you read any/all of this title and find any/all of it interesting, I encourage you to check out the author's podcast, Sex & Psychology for more engaging and thoughtful discussions around sex topics and sex education.

[Duckoffimreading · Rating 4 out of 5]

Justin Lehmiller covers what common sexual fantasies are for the average American and how attitudes are changing. He also covers how to feel comfortable in your fantasies, how to apply that to your relationships and how to remove the stigma around some fantasies. I found the section on the Netherlands sex education program vs the US particularly interesting as the Netherlands has a more liberal sex education program and less overall hangups talking about sex, and has resulted in less STI and teen pregnancy rates, and not decreasing the age that the average person loses their virginity. Argument for knowledge is power!

[Warren Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

hate the title and almost didn’t post it for that reason. it’s a great sociology book on one of the largest sex surveys ever done. super interesting.

[Irena · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent delivery and statistics. Really a great book to open your eyes to the topics that the world has taught us to keep hush hush. This author/scientist did a great job 👏🏻

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

As the author says toward the beginning, browse this book for what you need. Lots of information both scientific and practical, with emphasis on the latter. Covers the important matter of what to talk with your partner about, and how.

[Alandrah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting and insightful. Well written.

[R. Felini · Rating 3 out of 5]

From Da Capo Press.com His site: www.lehmiller.com

Mr. Lehmiller did extensive research on men’s and women’s fantasies about sex and wrote up his conclusions. The book is interesting as far as you want to know what’s on the minds of other people in general. Overall it is a bit slow reading as he explains how the data was collected.
The info he shares on these fantasies which include group sex, BDSM, and novelty in sex can show you that you may not be the weirdo you thought you were. Yes you! An important point he makes is that communication is crucial to a satisfying sex life. I know for myself that most problems I have had stem from lack of effective communication. I wish I read this book in high school!

As far as tits & cocks go , if I understood it correctly people who watch more porn than others tend to fantasize about larger breasts and penises than those who watch less or none.
As far as breast size goes he says guys are not fantasizing about “jumbo boobs” but they do fantasize about tits larger than average. Most between a C and D cup size. But he says, and I think this is true, that most men don’t think about bust size in inches or cup sizes cause they don’t know this. You got that right! Who cares just get ‘em in my face and have at it! (not from book - a personal note from editor - me.) But I agree - I’m not sure what size is good in words but I know a good set of knockers when I see ‘em! And large is relative as we all know. Fat girl with big tits or skinny girl with big tits. One looks bigger relative to other.
Interesting he said lesbian and bisexual women also liked a bit more up top. Who knew?


R. Felini
Author of " Chicago Style"
Amazon book: http://tinyurl.com/y77elxfv www.bustybikini.wordpress.com

Herr Lehmiller recherchierte ausführlich die Sexphantasien von Männern und Frauen und schrieb seine Schlussfolgerungen auf. Das Buch ist insofern interessant, als Sie wissen möchten, was andere Menschen im Allgemeinen in den Köpfen haben. Insgesamt ist es etwas langsam zu lesen, als er erklärt, wie die Daten gesammelt wurden.
Die Informationen, die er über diese Fantasien teilt, darunter Gruppensex, BDSM und Neuheiten beim Sex, können Ihnen zeigen, dass Sie möglicherweise nicht der Spinner sind, von dem Sie dachten, Sie wären. Ja du! Ein wichtiger Punkt ist, dass Kommunikation für ein zufriedenstellendes Sexualleben entscheidend ist. Ich weiß für mich, dass die meisten Probleme, die ich hatte, auf mangelnde Kommunikation zurückzuführen sind. Ich wünschte, ich hätte dieses Buch in der High School gelesen!

Was Titten und Schwänze angeht, wenn ich es richtig verstanden habe, neigen Menschen, die mehr Pornos sehen, als andere dazu, über größere Brüste und Penisse zu fantasieren als diejenigen, die weniger oder gar keine sehen.
Was die Brustgröße angeht, sagt er, dass die Jungs nicht über "Jumbo-Titten" fantasieren, sondern über Titten, die über dem Durchschnitt liegen. Meist zwischen C- und D-Körbchengröße. Aber er sagt, und ich denke, das stimmt, dass die meisten Männer nicht an Brustgröße in Zoll oder Körbchengröße denken, weil sie das nicht wissen. Das hast du richtig erkannt! Wer kümmert sich nur um sie in mein Gesicht und habe es! (Nicht aus dem Buch - eine persönliche Notiz von der Redaktion - ich.) Aber ich stimme zu - ich bin nicht sicher, welche Größe in Worten gut ist, aber ich kenne eine Menge Klopfer, wenn ich sie sehe. Und groß ist relativ, wie wir alle wissen. Dickes Mädchen mit großen Titten oder dünnes Mädchen mit großen Titten. Man sieht größer aus als andere.
Interessant sagte er, lesbische und bisexuelle Frauen mochten auch ein bisschen mehr oben. Wer wusste?

El Sr. Lehmiller realizó una extensa investigación sobre las fantasías de hombres y mujeres sobre el sexo y escribió sus conclusiones. El libro es interesante en la medida en que quiera saber lo que piensan otras personas en general. En general, la lectura es un poco lenta, ya que explica cómo se recopilaron los datos.
La información que comparte sobre estas fantasías, que incluyen el sexo en grupo, BDSM y la novedad en el sexo, puede mostrarle que puede que no sea el bicho raro que pensaba que era. ¡Sí tú! Un punto importante que hace es que la comunicación es crucial para una vida sexual satisfactoria. Sé por mí mismo que la mayoría de los problemas que he tenido provienen de la falta de comunicación efectiva. ¡Me gustaría leer este libro en la escuela secundaria!

En cuanto a tetas y pollas, si lo entendí correctamente, las personas que miran más pornografía que otras tienden a fantasear con pechos y penes más grandes que las que miran menos o nada.
En cuanto al tamaño de los senos, dice que los chicos no fantasean con "tetas gigantes", pero sí fantasean con tetas más grandes que el promedio. La mayoría entre un tamaño de copa C y D. Pero él dice, y creo que esto es cierto, que la mayoría de los hombres no piensan en el tamaño del busto en pulgadas o en el tamaño de las tazas porque no lo saben. ¡Tienes razón! ¿A quién le importa solo tenerlos en mi cara y tenerlo en cuenta? (no del libro - una nota personal del editor - yo.) Pero estoy de acuerdo - no estoy seguro de qué tamaño es bueno en palabras, ¡pero conozco un buen conjunto de aldabas cuando los veo! Y lo grande es relativo como todos sabemos. Chica gorda con tetas grandes o chica flaca con tetas grandes. Una parece más grande que la otra.
Interesante, dijo que a las mujeres lesbianas y bisexuales también les gustó un poco más arriba. ¿Quien sabe?

Seiyoku no kagaku to sore ga ikani shite anata no sei seikatsu o kaizen dekiru ka


Lehmiller氏は、性別についての男性と女性の幻想について広範な調査を行い、彼の結論をまとめました。この本は、他の人々の心に何があるのかを知りたいという限りにおいては興味深いものです。彼はデータがどのように収集されたかを説明しているので、全体としては少し遅い読みです。
グループセックス、BDSM、セックスの斬新さなど、これらの空想について彼が共有する情報は、あなたがあなたがあなたがあなたがいたと思った変人ではないかもしれないことをあなたに示すことができます。そう、あなた！彼がしている重要なポイントは、コミュニケーションが満足のいく性生活にとって極めて重要であるということです。私が抱えていた問題のほとんどが、効果的なコミュニケーションの欠如から生じていることを私は知っています。この本を高校で読んでほしいです。

おっぱいとコックが行く限りでは、私がそれを正しく理解すれば、他の人よりもポルノを見る人は、あまり見ない人よりも大きい胸やペニスを想像する傾向があります。
胸のサイズに関しては、「ジャンボおっぱい」については想像していませんが、平均よりも大きいおっぱいについては想像していません。ほとんどCとDのカップサイズの間です。しかし、彼は言います、そして、私はこれが本当であると思います、ほとんどの男性がバストサイズをインチまたはカップサイズについて考えていないので、彼らはこれを知りません。あなたはその権利を得ました！気にかけている人は私の顔に触れないでください。 （本からではなく - 編集者からの個人的なメモ - 私には。）しかし、私は同意します - 私は言葉でどのくらいのサイズが良いかわからないが、私が見たとき私はノッカーの良いセットを知っています！そして私達全員が知っているように大きいのは相対的です。巨乳の太った女の子または巨乳の細い女の子。一方が他方よりも大きく見えます。
面白い彼は、レズビアンとバイセクシュアルの女性ももう少し上が好きだと言った。誰かわかったね？

[Dave · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 rounded up. I'm grateful someone is doing this research and talking about this. The normalization effect alone would earn 4 stars. I could use a lot less of the author constantly littering the text with his own hunches as to the causes and motivations behind the raw data. The discussion of the 7 top fantasies is useful. The 15 questions were largely useless - give us a website or app that implements them and makes hard predictions. The guidelines on sharing fantasies was way too cursory and high level. The chapter on moving fantasy into reality could have been reduced to two paragraphs. Finally, the call to action was refreshing.

Looking back, I guess beside the bad sex jokes and the author's fondness for projecting his own psychology onto his participants, the thing that bothered me the most about the book is that the author seems to treat sexual fantasy and sexual desire as synonymous. Fantasy is by definition not subject to reality. Desires are where our imagination meets reality. Communication of my desires respectfully and with vulnerability with my partner is crucial to Intimacy and a healthy relationship. My fantasies, not so much. In fact, my IRL desires typically don't show up in my fantasies and I have no real desire to actualize most of my fantasies. They're good because they are idealized situations scripted precisely for some part of my psyche. Great sex has no script and is real time communication between partners, joyfully accepting the present as it unfolds. Two very different experiences.

[Rachel Krantz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This highly-readable book distills and analyzes Dr. Lehmiller’s landmark survey of North Americans’ sexual fantasies. It is the largest of its kind, and what he found gives tremendous insight into the reality of North Americans’ inner sexual lives. It might also help you feel less like a “freak” for imagining or wanting what you do, and more, well, common. For example, he writes, “[s]ex with multiple partners is a staple of Americans’ fantasies. When asked to describe their favorite sexual fantasy of all time, group sex was by far the most common theme to emerge. In addition, when asked whether they had ever fantasized about different forms of group sex, 89 percent reported fantasizing about threesomes, 74 percent about orgies, and 61 percent about gangbangs.” So while practicing nonmonogamists might still be in the minority, those imagining nonmonogamous scenarios are the clear majority. Very useful to me in researching OPEN

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

As someone in the sexual health research field the topics were lackluster. However, it was good to see a book out there normalizing various sexual fantasies in a digestible format for different reader background levels. However, I found the gender differences and evolutionary psychology sections disappointing-> these theories are weak and socialized and incredibly binary, and, in my opinion, should not be accepted at face value because they are THEORIES, not facts, and we cannot parse out the internalized patriarchal, sexist narrative driving such evolutionary theory. On that note, the sample was also very straight, cis, young, white, and I'd like to read a book with racial diversity and non-monogamous couples. Please someone find a more diverse sample!!

[Mali Apple · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written in the clear, warm tone that characterizes all of Lehmiller’s work, this book helps the reader feel comfortable with their own erotic imagination and guides them in how to talk about their desires with their sex partner. We’re including Tell Me What You Want in the resources section of our upcoming book, Wild Monogamy.

[Nicole Miles · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook (read by the author). The book was more scholarly than erotic, but presented interesting data. I wish he addressed more demographic nuances around race, class, and culture.