Vaikystėje neišmoktos pamokos

by Janet Geringer Woititz, Alan Garner, Lina Černiauskaitė (Translator)

Amerikiečių psichologė ir Suaugusių alkoholikų vaikų judėjimo pradininkė Janet Geringer Woititz drauge su žinomu santykių ekspertu Alanu Garneriu knygoje Vaikystėje neišmoktos pamokos dalijasi vertingais patarimais su tais, kurie augo nedarniose šeimose ir dėl to neįgijo svarbiausių bendravimo įgūdžių, būtinų visaverčiam gyvenimui. Vadovaudamiesi knygoje aprašomomis technikomis išmoksite kurti tvirtus ryšius, atpažinti ir reikšti jausmus, nubrėžti ribas ir jas apginti, spręsti nesutarimus su kitais.

Knygoje aptariami įgūdžiai lygintini su įrankiais. Įsivaizduokite, kaip keptumėte blynus plaktuku arba šluotumėte grindis šaukštu. Kad ir kiek triūstumėte, vis tiek nieko gero neišeitų. O paėmę tam skirtus įrankius blynus iškeptumėte ir grindis iššluotumėte greitai ir be didelių pastangų. Tas pats ir su įgūdžiais, apie kuriuos perskaitysite šioje knygoje. Juos išlavinę pamatysite, kaip puikiai seksis susipažinti su žmonėmis ir užmegzti gerus santykius. Nustebsite, kiek šilumos ir meilės atsiras jūsų gyvenime.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Audiobook, Personal Development, Relationships

208 pages, Hardcover

First published February 1, 1990

Reviews

[D · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although my all-time favorite is "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life," by Marshall Rosenberg, this book is pretty useful ~ a step in the right direction, in terms of figuring out things that work.

If you find that a relationship that is unimportant to you is unsatisfying, a poor exchange, consider leaving it right away. Most times this can be accomplished simply by not calling, not returning phone calls, and by answering invitations with, "Sorry, but I'm too busy."

If a relationship has been important to you, you may find that active listening, asking for details, and other skills can turn it around, so you feel good about it.

If you do decide to end the relationship, it doesn't mean that you don't care for the other person (though you may not). It means that you care for yourself more and that you have decided for reasons that make sense to you, to go on without that person.

You may find yourself putting off ending the relationship because you don't want to hurt the other person. The result is that the other person is hurt more because he or she invests more -- and you are hurt more because you are living a lie. Endings hurt. There is no way around it. There is loss for both even if you want out. To avoid reality is disrespectful of both the other person and yourself.

Tips:

Practice beforehand
Ask to meet in a public place
Meet in the morning
Be brief
Stick to the present
Stick with "I" messages
Announce your intentions

If you don't want to reconsider, be very clear.

Second chances. If you decide to give the relationship a second chance, make specific demands.

Endings allow for new beginnings. If you do not close the present, you cannot go on to the future.When relationships work, you can go on together. When they don't, endings open up room for new possibilities.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really got a lot out of this book. I'm on my second time reading through it.

This book gives some great tips and examples on how to improve your life by improving your relationships with others. It teaches you how to start conversations and keep them going, how to set boundaries, solve problems, take criticism and give it, and more.

I think this book would be beneficial to introverts, not just Adult Children of Alcoholics, or anyone who struggles with making connections with others.

It's a very easy to understand. You could probably finish it in an afternoon if you read straight through. Short but effective.

[Vivian · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is short, easy to read, and packed with good advice,
and exercises to help you practice the skills

The skills that it describes are:
1) how to do small talk
-ask about the other person or the situation
-continue with open questions (but not too open)
-pick up on conversational cues - extra information the person offers.
-share a similar amount about yourself
-when sharing, use dual perspective (think about what the other person might find interesting, be specific, and use a your own perspective.
2) identifying and sharing feelings
-exercise: spend three minutes a day noticing your feelings
3) active listening. also: paying attention to body language
4) asking for what you want
-figuring out what you want
-making requests: use dual perspective, be direct, give reasons, appeal to self-interest
-issuing invitations
-accepting responses
5) giving others what they want
6) solving problems
-identify (recognize which problems are yours and which aren't)
-decide to solve
-brainstorm or: reverse brainstorm - look for ways to make the problem worse
-decide on best alternative
-decide how to implement
-carry it out
-follow up
7) Asking for others to change their behavior
-determine if the problem is yours
-ask for time
-deliver an assertive (not aggresive) message
-verify your understanding of the response
8) handling criticism
-ask for reassurance (about the relationship)
-call time-out
-ask for specifics
-guess specifics if need be
-ask for additional complaints
-use active listening
-agree with the truth
- agree with the odds
-disagree with the criticism if need be
9) boundaries
-use feelings to signal boundaries are needed
-set or change as needed
-call time-out if need be
-deliver assertive no if need be
-use broken record technique
-deliver contingencies if need be
10) fighting fair
-use techniques previously described
-stick to discussing one problem
-focus on something currently going on
-be specific
-express feelings
-allow other person to express
-don't hit, yell, label, make assumptions.
11) ending conversations
-plead prior commitment
-express preference
-thank other person
-summarize your agreements
-show interest in future contact
12) ending relationships
-practice beforehand
-ask to meet in a public place
-meet ing the morning
-be brief
-stick to the present
-begin feelings messages with I
-announce your intentins
-be clear about whether you might reconsider

[Dobby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written in a relaxed, conversational style, this book presents basic life-skill lessons that can be useful to anyone. The authors use real-life examples as a springboard for discussion, offering solutions and at-home exercises to help the reader gradually learn essential self-care skills. The topics range from social awkwardness to ending a relationship, with the focus on self-awareness and self-care. While the inspiration for this book was the authors' work with adults raised by parents with substance abuse issues, the lessons have universal appeal.

[Ugnė Lukošienė · Rating 1 out of 5]

Šio autoriaus knyga "Suaugusių alkoholikų vaikai" buvo po pusės iškart padeta šalin. Šią iveikiau bet ... panašus turinys į 10 toko etikos vadovėlį.... tiek jau silpnas... o vertimas - baisus.
Nerekomenduoju nei vienos nei kitos knygos.

[Crystal Oros · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has given me so much information to think about. Its perfect for learning how to grow yourself up & how to navigate all the social basics that some of us lack in life. It explains everything from Active listening, how to start & stop conversations to assertively asking for your needs to be met & how to handle any rejections or criticisms. All in all this is a great book with exercises to help you gain the skills needed to succeed in life.

[Eglė · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5

[loads.of.books · Rating 3 out of 5]

Knyga dalijasi vertingais patarimais su tais, kurie neįgijo svarbiausių bendravimo įgūdžių, būtinų visaverčiam gyvenimui.

Mėgstu psichologinę literatūrą, pasiknisti savo praeitį, paanalizuoti tėvų, artimųjų santykius, poelgius, priežastis, pasekmes, todėl knyga mane ir sudomino.
Knyga įdomi, konkreti, pilna naudingos informacijos. Patarimų ir darbo knyga. Skirta veikti. Gausu namų darbų, konkrečių užduočių, kaip lavinti bendravimo įgūdžius, kaip elgtis, ką kalbėti.

Knygoje akcentuojama, kad ji skirta nedarniose šeimose augusiems, tačiau man norėjosi prieštarauti. Manau bet kuris žmogus perskaitęs šią knygą rastų neblogų patarimų, kaip pagerinti savo bendravimą, spręsti problemas, priimti kritiką nubrėžti ribas ar nutraukti santykius.
Man knyga patiko, nors didelių atradimų joje neradau. Daug kas skaityta ar moksluose 'graužta', tačiau kartojimas - mokslų motina, todėl knygą atsiversiu ir dar kartą ateityje.

Nors knyga plona (apie 200 p.), skyreliai neilgi, konkretūs, su užduotimis, pavyzdžiais, kaip elgtis, tačiau nesinorėjo jos 'praryti' vienu prisėdimu. Norėjosi informaciją dozuoti ir įsisavinti. Skaičiau neskubėdama ir apmąstydama.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am glad to have found this book of concrete tools for adult children. So many
former, present, and future clients can benefit from these tools when implemented. Good resource I plan to recommend.

[Bryan Ericson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I mainly read this book for the chapter on handling criticism but I learned some other stuff to.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

A follow-up to the author's pioneering Adult Children of Alcoholics, focusing on various life skills that people learn from their role models rather than from any formal education, and which people raised by adults who weren't able to provide examples may never have learned some needed lessons. The process of recovery from these issues is sometimes called self-parenting, and this book is a useful tool in that endeavor.

[Bridgett · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was short and a lot of the material I already knew on some level, but I've had trouble applying those skills. Hopefully having read this book I will be more aware of what to do in interpersonal situations.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous resource. Quick read. Not just for those who identify as being ACOA/ACODF.

[Jay French · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a short book that describes methods for a person to keep things together when faced with issues relating to others. Some of the ideas expressed include ending bad relationships with others, starting and maintaining conversations, and the like - basic life skills that may require an extra level of explanation for some. I found it a bit difficult to decide who this was written for. The book repeats that it is for “adult children” many, many times, but I feel this could be taken as a term of belittlement by some of the target audience. Because of this, I think the intended audience is not “adult children” but is the caregivers and friends of people who might be described as adult children. But the advice is more universal -- anyone who sometimes feels some difficulties in common social interaction and relationships would find the suggestions useful.

[Rimgaudas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book. Briefly, clearly and straight to the point presents the recommendations on how to deal with various life (mostly social) problems. If you have a hard time building a relationship, expressing your feelings, solving problems, accepting criticism, defending your boundaries, I highly recommend this book. The recommendations in it can be also found in many self-help textbooks. But the advantage of this book is its briefness without overloading with unnecessary information. I think this book is like the Ten Commandments of God in Psychology. It can be read in the morning instead of a prayer.
10 out of 10

[Alina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love this book! Skills like active listening, asking for what you need, initiating communication with others, enquiting for details, assertive in your needs and boundaries using broken record method, negotiating boundaries, dealing with critique, changing behaviour in others, giving others what they need, problem solving, expressing your feelings are all relevant for all in many areas of life. I recommend this book to everyone who wish to brush on their interpersonal skills, wish to build a healthy communication and relationship with oneself and others.

[Bronwen L · Rating 5 out of 5]

These authors are two humans who figured out what matters in life: feelings. I found this book to be one of the most interesting and concise books on the subject of skills. They give homework chapters. And they give great examples of the nuts and bolts of how to talk and more important, how to listen, in relationships. When you grow up in an environment with a alcoholic or any sort of neglectful authority, you have to leave it without the skills needed to manage relationships in the real world. An old book with a lot to offer.

[TimsGlitterBug · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really great tool for anyone whose experience as a child was a dysfunctional family centered around protecting the addict, esp. in a codependent way.
This book really gives one help for living a balanced, stable, life with good communication skills, which has been incredible to put into practice after seeing and learning so many maladaptive communication styles in my family of origin.

Definitely worth the time to read. It's a short, highly interactive book filled with helpful communication skills for everyday, for conflict, for saying no.

[Diana]

This book was referenced during Carolyn Hax's 4/30 chat, and I'm up for alllll her advice. It is written initially for adult children of alcoholics but the tips and scripts included are helpful for introverts, those with past trauma and/or social anxiety, people coming out of a pandemic... it's starting to show its age (published in 1990) but I thought it was interesting. Quick listen, just over 4 hours at normal speed, and with the Libby app at x1.25 it was quite pleasant.

[Paulina Balsevičienė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pavadinimas pasako, koks knygos formatas - pamokos. Kai kurie skyreliai net su namų darbais!
Trumpai, konkrečiai aptariami jausmų reiškimo, aktyvaus klausymo, problemų ir nesutarimų sprendimo, santykių nutraukimo ir kiti aktualūs klausimai. Tokios knygos padeda ne tik išmokti, bet kartu ir auklėti savo vaikus.
Koncentruotai, glaustai pateikta pagrindinė informacija, tad nesunkiai įveiks net tie, kurie tokio formato knygų nemėgsta.

[Stacey McCoy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book because I'm a huge fan of advice columns, and this book is recommended frequently (I'm looking at you, Carolyn Hax). Honestly, I expected more. It's a good book, don't get me wrong, but it's so dated that I felt like the references kept me from relating to it. The last few chapters were the best. An updated version of this would be worth checking out.

[Jenny Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book thoroughly goes through basic social interaction and explains how to navigate things like staring a conversation, active listening and setting boundaries.

The ton feel a comforting and nice like that of a supportive adult encouraging you and assuring you that you can learn how to interact with other humans.

[Marcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful. Addresses key situations with clean clear guidance. Yes, I "knew" much of it already but it is an excellent reminder reference focused on practical application, and I also learned additional possibilities for consideration and action. I liked this book a lot!

[LemontreeLime · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very simply written, able to be read in one evening. But it still covers some of the more difficult social interactions, so it's not to be belittled, and enacting it's advice is still not easy.

[Jonathan Bergh · Rating 5 out of 5]

90% of people do not have these skills....

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was okay. It wasn't what I expected but it could be useful to others. Full of succinct and practical skills on active listening, setting boundaries, saying no - generally focused on communication and relationship skills. It's intended for adult children of alcoholics but could be leveraged by anyone who is looking to improve those skills, and it's a short book (audiobook was about 4 hours).

I didn't love the narrator (kind of stilted) and it was written in 1990 but feels more like the 1980s in terms of some of the example situations and relationships in the book so heads up on that if it'll bother you.

[Peggy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Solid suggestions for people who have trouble attracting friends, setting boundaries, and solving relationship issues. Woititz addresses her advice to Adult Children of Alcoholics, but the book shouldn't be limited to that audience as it shares rational strategies for making one's relationships less fraught. I purchased this book because I saw that my favorite advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, had recommended it to one of her letter writers. The advice is good, but the author's writing style, simple and instructional, reduced my pleasure in reading it.

[Lori Koppelman · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I did not grow up in a household with addicted parents, I do find myself having some co-dependency issues. This old gem popped up on my radar, and it was a great read, especially the section on solving problems and determining if a problem is yours or not. I love this definition and actually burst out laughing at its simplicity: "A problem is yours when you are the person whose needs and desires are not being met."

This is succinct with great examples.

[Reda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not sure if I enjoyed it.

The content was a little bit too basic, trying to focus on advice or practical challenges instead of deep analysis. I happen to be a fan of the latter.
The translation was pretty stiff, so I'm glad it wasn't a lengthy read.
However, some of the offered advice are quite logical and could be useful. I guess, I'm just not the target audience of this book.

[Edita Kazakevičienė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Informacija perteikta labai glaustai ir konkrečiai, lengvai skaitomu stiliumi, užtenka atsiversti turinį ir pasirinkti dominančią temą. Čia rasite nesudėtingas terapines technikas kaip susipažinti ir aktyviai klausytis, kaip nubrėžti ribas ir priimti kritiką, kaip paprašyti ar taikiai spręsti nesutarimus. Apžvalga: https://profesionalimama.wordpress.co...