The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life

by Harriet Lerner

From the celebrated author of The Dance of Anger comes an extraordinary book about mothering and how it transforms us -- and all our relationships -- inside and out. Writing from her dual perspective as psychologist and mother, Dr. Harriet Lerner puts the spotlight on how a woman is changed when she becomes a mother. Enlivened with personal tales and vivid case examples that run the gamut from hilarious to the heart-wrenching, The Mother Dance   spells out what happens to a woman when two become three... and four. We see why her new life is so different from his   -- and how children inevitably help us to discover things about ourselves and our partners that we would otherwise not know. Lerner shows us how kids call on us to grow up and are the best teachers of life's most profound spiritual lessons. From birth to the empty nest, Lerner's own experience has taught her the basic lessons of that we are not in control of what happens to our children; that most of what we worry about doesn't happen (though bad things happen that we fail to anticipate); and that our children will love us with all our imperfections if we can do the same for them. Lerner helps us to distinguish what we can change (and how to do it), and when we need to surrender to the fact that our lives -- and our children's -- may not go as we expect or plan. With the insight, warmth and clarity that characterize all of Lerner's work, here is a gloriously witty and moving book about what it means to dance the mother dance.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Feminism, Family, Womens

336 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1998

About the author

Dr. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology, City University of New York; M.A. Educational Psychology, Columbia University Teachers College), was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, the second of two daughters. Her parents, Archie and Rose Goldhor, were both children of Russian-Jewish immigrant parents. They were high school graduates who wanted their daughters to "be someone" at a time when women were only supposed to "find someone."

"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."

Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."

Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:

"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:

1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist

Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "

Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.

EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.

Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.

"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.

Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.

Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.



HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen

Reviews

[Skylar Burris · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s difficult to tell what sort of book Dr. Lerner really set out to write. A book about how having and raising children affects women emotionally and psychologically? A book of random, select parenting advice? A book of counseling case studies tangentially related to parenting? A feminist polemic? The title would have the reader believe Dr. Lerner had definitely settled on the first topic, but it seems to me that equal time is given to all of these topics, and the book therefore lacks focus.

On the first subject, Dr. Lerner offers a number of insights and says many things to which I can relate, especially with regard to the subject of mom-guilt. However, she also seems to have an ideological vision that prevents her from considering that some women do not derive their sense of selfhood primarily from their careers or that some couples may have a better relationship if they undertake traditional division of labor roles.

As a book of parenting advice, it is, as I said, random and select, offering tidbits of guidance here and there with an entire chapter on getting your children to eat well and talking to them about sex. Let’s ignore for a moment the question of whether one should take parenting advice from a psychiatrist who makes her husband take a separate plane any time they fly in the event that it should crash (and then justifies her idiosyncrasy by writing, “Sometimes we mothers need to honor our worries even when we can’t justify them.”). Is her advice good? I don’t know. I guess I’d have to try it. And most of it I’m not going to try. Especially not the part where I buy my children massive amounts of any kind of food they like, leave it in the pantry, and let them decide how much and what to eat. Yes, maybe they would tire of fruit snacks after three days of gorging themselves on half their body weight of those jellied confections, but I find it easier just to say, “No, you may not have more than one package a day.” But then I’m controlling that way. So much better to end their fixation by making it constantly available in large quantities. (She says it ended her sons fixation with sweets. I’m sure it did. How can you be fixated on something that is available in abundance and never forbidden in any quantity? But I’m curious to know—did he actually eat MORE healthy foods and FEWER unhealthy foods after the experiment? That she never says.)

The case studies are sometimes interesting, sometimes not. And the polemic? It’s mild, as far as polemics go. I can get behind some of it, and I shake my head at other parts of it. Dr. Lerner is one of those feminists who assumes she speaks for all women and that those women who do not share her concerns are in denial.

I give the book a generous three stars for the insights I did receive and because, if nothing else, I found it interesting to read.

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a fan of the audiobooks of this authors work because of the slightly patrician, authoritative tone. This was the best yet, the book I wish I had read when my children were very young. It validated many complicated feelings, gave me lots to think about, and was a powerful reading experience.

[Jane Gakere · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written in the 90’s but still relatable today. I resonated more with the second part of this book. While there’s no manual on mothering, Harriet Lerner uses actual examples and doesn’t impose her beliefs but leaves the reader to come to their own assumptions. I especially loved how she addressed talking to teenagers, step mothers and the empty nest…
Highly recommended

[Morgan Schulman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is what I imagine it must be like to have a feminist psychologist cool aunt sit you down while pregnant and tell you "like it is". It's thoughtful and irreverent about parenting in a very 2nd Wave, pre-Attachment way (the book is from 1998 and her kids are born in 1975 and 1979), which is very refreshing. More about validation then hands-on advice.

Note: I've seen several reviews of this book say it is anti-SAHM because she mentions in the introduction that she felt she had to put aside her career to raise the kids due to gender norms and she feels very angry about that. I don't see that as inherently anti anything: it's just one woman lamenting her lack of choice and her husband taking a backseat, which I think is something many woman can relate to. Just because her desired choice may have been different then women who chose to be SAHMs does not mean she is attacking them.

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Mother Dance was suggested to me by my sister, who had just had a baby, and so I decided to read it right after having my daughter. The beginning was hard for me to engage with as the author had a seemingly easy pregnancy, and I did not at all. However, by chapter 3, I was able to get more into the story. She discusses her life as a new mother of 1, then 2 boys, and what her relationships looked like as they grew older.
My baby is still very new, she is only a couple of months old, but I truly appreciated the last chapter of the book covering the empty nest. There were many times during this book that made me reflect on my own mother's experiences and what our relationship was like to what it is now.
I recommend this book for new moms, especially those struggling with PPD or feelings of dissonance during this new life change.

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading Harriet Lerner is like talking with that great friend you have -- the one who's funny, insightful, and opinionated but sufficiently endearing that you can forgive her shooting her mouth off.

That said, I didn't find this book nearly as insightful as "The Dance of Anger." Harriet gave a voice to many things that mothers feel and experience, but nothing she said really grabbed me and as a result, I found the book a little slow-going.

I also found her a little preachy in terms of her ideas about mothers needing to work more and fathers needing to work less. While I do see her points from a systems perspective (Bowen theory is all about spouses getting polarized into specific roles as opposed to developing a wide range of functioning), I think that it will be a long time before the world accommodates half-weeks for both men and women, and meanwhile, one parent's staying home with your kids is a more realistic option if you're seeking to avoid the problem of childcare.

The other Harriet Lerner books I ordered look more promising, so here's hoping. Meanwhile, though, I'm going to take a little break from self-help/psychology.

[Ashley Marilynne Wong · Rating 4 out of 5]

I decided to read this despite not being a mum because I wanted to expand my empathic capacity, broaden my horizons as a lifelong learner, deepen my understanding of who my mother is in relation to who I am, and move one small but significant step closer towards healing and reconciliation with my past. This interesting, largely helpful and stimulating book left me with as many questions as it provided answers, which was not a bad thing because I had always loved indulging in the act and indeed art of reflecting. As someone who had an unhappy childhood as well as a juniorist (a term I coined for children’s rights advocates), reading this book took me an immense amount of courage. I was concerned about how it would trigger painful experiences, memories, feelings and emotions, and because it seemed to me to be a book that spoke for and about mothers, that it might perpetuate childism. The author’s warmth, humour, empathy and vulnerability made everything, as it were, OK in the end. I am glad and proud of myself to have read this beautiful, imperfect and complex book – a book just like the human beings at the centre of its discussion.

[dinozor gibi · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Çocuklarımız olana kadar onların bizde ne gibi duygular uyandıracağını bilemeyiz.” diyor Harriet. Ben olana kadarı genişletmek ve başlangıçtan yolun sonuna kadar geçerli olduğunu düşünüyorum bu söylediğinin, yolun sonunu da kendi ölümüm olarak görüyorum. Herkes için farklı olabilir, benim şu an hissettiğim bu.

Ebeveynlik ile ilgili elimin altında bir kitap bulunmadığı hamileleğimden beri olmamıştır. Hâletiruhiyeme göre neye ihtiyacım olduğunu iyi kestiririm genelde. Anne Dansı da iyi geldi. Zorlandığım bir dönemindeyim zira ebeveyn rolünden. Zorlanmam yorgunluğumundan, hayallerimle gerçekleşlerin çatışmasından, en çok babanın yokluğunun getirdiği yalnızlıktan, ondan bundan… Bazı günler epey çekilmez oluyorum, bazı günler sen epey çekilmez oluyorsun. Tosluyoruz o kasvetli duvarlara. Kaçınılmaz bir şey mi bilmiyorum, biz de oluyor. Sonra arka arkaya yaptığımız bütün maçları kazanınca keyfim yerine geliyor. Harriet alıntılamıs; “Çocuk sahibi olmamanın en büyük avantajı iyi bir insan olduğunuza inanmaya devam edebilmenizdir. Çocuğunuz olduğunda savaşların nasıl başladığını anlarsınız.” ( Fay Weldon) 😊

Lerner, bu kitapta anneye odaklanmış ve “ideal anne”ye dil çıkarmış, çok iyi yapmış.

[Atefeh Eghbali · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is a good reminder of how many variables are out there that we cannot control when it comes to our children and how easy it can be to forget that the only thing we have control over is just our own behavior. The stories told are also good to understand the point. However I will not call it a must read and I did not feel it had much new to say. But again, a good reminder!

The text is also very easy to read and the book is relatively short.

[Ana Stanciu-Dumitrache · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mi s-a părut ca nu s-a concentrat pe nimic, a vrut să atingă mai multe aspecte și pe niciunul în profunzime. Nu a fost ceea ce speram.

[Lauren Price · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this woman. I want to read everything shes ever written. She doesnt shy away from giving real and educated opinions, but she also gives a lot of understanding and compassion to those that havent managed to meet up to the highest standards. She touches on most significant topics mothers generally face while managing to keep it from being too glossed over. She references a lot of great books/resources that would be additionally beneficial. Her humor is subtle excellence.

[Christine Henneberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really loved the first half of this book, which gives some very frank, not-the-usual bullshit insights into the meaning of motherhood and the whole range of experiences and emotions women can have around it. The second half became more of a traditional self-help / parenting kind of book, with case studies of families and women she's treated in therapy to illustrate rather obvious points (e.g. our family of origin impacts our parenting style, therapy is so useful for parsing this out, etc etc). Still, I'd recommend it to any thoughtful mother, especially the first four or five chapters, which I found extremely validating and wise.

[Pelin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Annelik yolunda yalnız olmadığımı hissettiren kitap oldu benim için. Hani annelikle ilgili bir şeyden bunalırsınız ama bunu birisine söyleseniz, sizi kınayabilir ve çocuğunuza sahip olduğunuz için şükretmenizi önerir size. Ve siz asla anlaşılmadığınızı anlayıp susmaya başlarsınız. Yazar işte o sustuklarımızı ve daha fazlasını anlatmış. Anneliği her yanından sunarak elimizi tutmuş. Okuyun, okutun. Hatta çevrenizdeki anne arkadaşlarınıza hediye edin. Çeviri için Elif Doğan'a ayrıca teşekkür ediyorum kendi adıma.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Still relevant even though it's 20 years old.

[Lesley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice to read a "parenting" book that is more about the parent than the kids!

[Saadet Özkan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anne, evlat, eş, kardeş, arkadaş hatta öğretmen ... Tüm rollerimle okudum, okudukça hak verdim. Ağladım, güldüm ve her satırı severek okudum. Herkese Ama en çok annelere ve anne adaylarına sevgiyle öneririm. Çünkü hamilelikle başlayıp çocukların evden ayrılması ile sonlanan süreç bilmiyorum daha iyi anlatılabilir miydi?
.
Anne olduğumda en çok şaşırdığım şey herkesin, sizin ve bebeğiniz hakkında rahatça yorum yapabilmesi, istenmeyen akıllar vermesi ve hatta eleştirmesiydi. Adeta çocuğum ve Ben kamulaşmıştık 🥴 şimdi bakınca ne cüret diye düşünüyorum. Benim için oldukça zordu o dönem hatta takılı kaldığımı düşünüp üzerinde çalışıyorum hala. Pişmanlıklarım, kızgınlıklarım, hayal kırıklıklarım ve kırgınlıklarım hala peşimde anneliğimin o ilk yılı ile ilgili😔
.
Neyse kitaba döneyim. Öfke Dansı ile tanıdığım Harriet Lerner samimi ve sıcak kalemi ile ikinci çocuğu Benjamin'in evden ayrılmasıyla yazıyor bu kitabı. Anlayışlı, bilge bir dostu dinlemek gibiydi🙏
.
Kitabı oluşturan 4 bölümün başlıkları zaten özetliyor içeriği:
1-Başlangıç
2-Dayanıklılık Testi
3-Daha Büyük Cocuklar Daha Büyük Dertler
4-Annenizin Size Asla Söylemediği Şeyler
.
Tüm annelik yolculuğu, anneliğimizi tartışmasız bir biçimde etkileyen ilk ailemiz, çocuklarımızın birbiriyle ilişkisi bizim kardeşlerimizle ilişkimizle birlikte anlatılıyor.
.
Yazarın bir psikolog ve ilişki danışmanı olmasından mütevellit birçok yaşanmış hikaye, vaka örneği durumu net bir şekilde anlatırken okumayı da zevkli bir hale getiriyor.
Sevdiğim bir iki cümleyi yazmak istiyorum:
"Suçluluk anneliğin kalbindedir."
.
"Neyseki annelik size her gün , bir önceki günü gözden geçirme ve düşüncelerinizi yeniden ele alma fırsatı verir."
.
"Biz anneler sadece kendi davranışlarımızla değil çocuklarımızın -etkileyebildiğimiz ama kontrol edemediğimiz- davranışlarıyla da yargılanırız."
.
Türkçe'ye kazandıran sevgili Elif Doğan'a da çok teşekkür ederim ❤️
.
#annedansı #Harrietlerner #ebeveynkitapligi #anne #annelik #psikoloji

[Cristina Pana · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nu este chiar un roman :) Precizez ca stiam de la inceput ca nu este un roman :)
Am mai citit carti de psihologie si dezvoltare. Unele le-am citit usor si mi-a facut mare placere lecturarea lor (cum a fost "Cele cinci limbaje ale iubirii"), altele le-am citit cu greutate din cauza explicatiilor prea tehnice sau a textelor prea complicate si fara sens din punctul meu de vedere.
Cartea asta a devenit usor interesanta pentru mine abia dupa ce am trecut de jumatatea ei. Cautam in ea o confirmare si daca nu am gasit-o mi-am pierdut interesul :) Voiam sa-mi confirme cineva ca mai sunt si altii care gandesc ca mine, voiam sa apartin unui grup. Confirmarea a fost doar partiala :)
Contine si idei bune, deci nu este chiar o carte de evitat.
Un paragraf care mi-a placut la maxim, citit in cartea asta dar nu apartine autoarei:
„Iubirea mamei este fericire, este pace, nu trebuie dobandita, nu trebuie meritata. Dar exista si o parte negativa a iubirii neconditionate a mamei. Nu numai ca nu are nevoie sa fie meritata – nici NU poate fi dobandita, produsa, controlata. Daca este acolo, este ca o binecuvantare. Daca nu este acolo, este ca si cum toata frumusetea ar fi plecat din viata.” – Arta de a iubi, Erich Fromm

[Kimberlee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I don't know if I've read it before, but I am glad I read it now. The last chapter is on empty nesting, and, given that our youngest left again about a week ago after having our children plus some home for five months, well, the timing was great. I do have ENS (Empty Nest Syndrome). Dr. Lerner blends personal anecdotes with informative facts and opinions and quotes from other experts. I want to be vulnerable enough to ask my now young adult daughters, "If you were a mom, what would you do the same as me? What would you do differently?" As a family therapist, Dr. Lerner advocates that working things out with your own mother - eliciting her stories and history - is one of the best things you can do for your relationship with your daughter (or in my case daughters). I remember my older brother being mystified at the conflicts between my mother and me when I was an adolescent. Dr. Lerner addresses this too as she talks about how the conflicts in adolescence makes it easier for the "launch" to happen. Dr. Lerner's sister's essay on trained monkeys was one of my favorite parts of the books. I plan to read "The Dance of Anger" next (and for the second time I think).

[Maggy · Rating 4 out of 5]

As usual, I enjoyed Harriet Lerner's book. There's a lot of good information and food for thoughts. As a newly mom, it reached a lot of my insecurity and made me realize that motherhood will not always be a smooth ride.
I like how she uses her story and her client's story to explain and prove a point. It sometimes makes it easier to understand.
The only downside of this book (and all of her books really) is that I find it a little chaotic. By that i mean that it's easy to get lost within the chapters (like what is she talking about? I thought this chapter was about this...??) Or even in the book. I guess I need more structure than her!

[Ashley Jane Barlow · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVE Harriet Lerner! I would encourage all to read her books but I would say that her stuff is best to read, no listen to.

This book had a lot of great gems. I found the part about being creative in your parenting to be especially impactful. I think the advantage to having a community to help you parent your kids is at least to get some creative ways to deal with different issues that arise. I loved that Harriet Lerner used this book to normalize struggles as a parent and didn't provide a prescription but principles to aid you in the parenting journey.

[Karli Sherwinter · Rating 4 out of 5]

At times this book felt a little repetitive after having read some of Dr. Lerner‘s other books. Nevertheless, I find her work interesting and relatable. This is exactly the type of book I would have loved to have read when I was trying to think through when to have children. At this point, I’ve gone through many of the power struggles she articulates in this book, and I have the relationship I have with my children. I’m curious about how her sons turned out and what they chose to do with their lives.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I only recently became a mother-- my son is 4 months old. Having spent my whole life to this point sure I wasn't going to have kids, it's been a crazy but wonderful adjustment. I don't think this book necessarily taught me anything new, but I don't think it's meant to be that kind of book.

I still enjoyed it. It's given me a lot to think and worry about looking forward at what raising my son will be like.

[Cora Glazer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another thoroughly insightful and thought-provoking read from Harriet Lerner, combining personal anecdotes from herself, clients, and friends as well as research to illustrate the scope of motherhood. I was especially interested in her well-described illumination of intergenerational family dynamics and how each parent’s style is a reaction to their own upbringing and often a complement (for better or for worse) of the other parent’s strengths and vulnerabilities.

[Bavani · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty Average. Feels like someone wrote something for the sake of writing a book. I did enjoy the cases of patients (from a psychologists point of view) but not so much the reminiscing days of the writers children. There are some things that the writer does highlight that is worth thinking about in the journey of parenting. Perhaps, the expectations were set too high.

PS: the book started off well but towards the middle felt like a sinking ship but recovers thereafter.

[Danna Dykema · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like the things she says about using "I" language. We can not control how anyone responds, but we can communicate how we feel or how we interpret the situation. We can not assume something about someone else.

I think with all books, there are things that may be helpful, and other things are things only of interest. This was a book filled with interesting stories and some helpful tidbits of advice. I filter all things through the lens of the Bible.

[Violet · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall, I enjoyed the way this book focused on the emotional experience of motherhood, as well as the physical and mental realities of creating a new person and then helping them grow into an adult.

This book is 20 years old now, and some of the ideas, such as birth order effects, are defunct. All the same, a very enlightening read.

[Zi Xuan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is more like a reflection of her own parenting experience (+ other persons' experiences) and normalizing various emotions and behaviors that arise from being a parent. Not really a parenting tip kind of book but definitely worth a read just to have more awareness on the dynamics of relationships around us.

[Doris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Second book I have read by Harriet Lerner, both offering amazing insight. In this book she offers something for everyone, new mothers, stepparents, single mothers, empty nesters. mothers of boys, mothers of girls. Highly recommend.

[Heather Cadena · Rating 4 out of 5]

So interesting to think about such a variety of perspectives regarding motherhood. Harriet gives a lot of practical examples and stories. I want her to be able to pipe into my head during some difficult emotions and conversations:)

[Kristin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Favourite quote:

"Children are nobody but themselves. They have a huge range of untapped potential and varied traits to draw on over time, but once we label or pigeonhole them, their range of behavior becomes narrower and change becomes more difficult."