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The Attachment Effect: Exploring the Powerful Ways Our Earliest Bond Shapes Our Relationships and Lives
"Every reader will find this book about attachment enlightening."
--Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight
"Does a magnificent job of revealing how attachment manifests at the workplace, in friendships, religion, and even politics.”
--Amir Levine, M.D., author of Attached
A revealing look at attachment theory, uncovering how our early childhood experiences create a blueprint for all our relationships to come
Attachment theory is having a moment. It’s the subject of much-shared articles and popular relationship guides. Why is this fifty-year-old theory, widely accepted in psychological circles, suddenly in vogue? Because people are discovering how powerfully it sheds light on who we love--and how.
Fascinated by the subject, award-winning journalist and author Peter Lovenheim embarked on a journey to understand it from the inside out. Interviewing researchers, professors, counselors, and other experts, as well as individuals and couples whose attachment stories illuminate and embody the theory's key concepts. The result is this engaging and revealing book, which is part journalism, part memoir, part psychological guide--and a fascinating read for anyone who wants to better understand the needs and dynamics that drive the complex relationships in their lives.
Topics include:
* What it means to be securely and insecurely attached
* How our early childhood experiences create a blueprint for future relationships--and how to use those insights to gain self-awareness and growth
* Why anxious and avoidant attachment types tend to attract each other, and how to break the negative cycle
* How anyone can work to become "earned secure" regardless of their upbringing and past relationships.
--Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight
"Does a magnificent job of revealing how attachment manifests at the workplace, in friendships, religion, and even politics.”
--Amir Levine, M.D., author of Attached
A revealing look at attachment theory, uncovering how our early childhood experiences create a blueprint for all our relationships to come
Attachment theory is having a moment. It’s the subject of much-shared articles and popular relationship guides. Why is this fifty-year-old theory, widely accepted in psychological circles, suddenly in vogue? Because people are discovering how powerfully it sheds light on who we love--and how.
Fascinated by the subject, award-winning journalist and author Peter Lovenheim embarked on a journey to understand it from the inside out. Interviewing researchers, professors, counselors, and other experts, as well as individuals and couples whose attachment stories illuminate and embody the theory's key concepts. The result is this engaging and revealing book, which is part journalism, part memoir, part psychological guide--and a fascinating read for anyone who wants to better understand the needs and dynamics that drive the complex relationships in their lives.
Topics include:
* What it means to be securely and insecurely attached
* How our early childhood experiences create a blueprint for future relationships--and how to use those insights to gain self-awareness and growth
* Why anxious and avoidant attachment types tend to attract each other, and how to break the negative cycle
* How anyone can work to become "earned secure" regardless of their upbringing and past relationships.
304 pages, Paperback
First published June 5, 2018
155 people are currently reading
1538 people want to read
About the author
Peter Lovenheim
11 books18 followersPeter Lovenheim is an author and journalist whose articles and essays have appeared in the New York Times, New York magazine, The Los Angeles Times, Parade, Moment magazine, The Washington Post, and other publications.
His book, In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time, won a Barnes & Noble Discover Award and the First Annual Zócalo Public Square Book Prize.
Lovenheim holds a degree in journalism from Boston University and in law from Cornell Law School. He teaches narrative non-fiction at The Writers Center in Bethesda, MD and splits his time between his hometown of Rochester, NY, and Washington, DC.
His book, In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time, won a Barnes & Noble Discover Award and the First Annual Zócalo Public Square Book Prize.
Lovenheim holds a degree in journalism from Boston University and in law from Cornell Law School. He teaches narrative non-fiction at The Writers Center in Bethesda, MD and splits his time between his hometown of Rochester, NY, and Washington, DC.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews
January 6, 2019
It wasn’t terrible, but it was by no means good. It outlines the basics on attachment theories, but since it was written by a journalist and not an expert in the field, the author often takes it to strange places which renders the text highly speculative, and often unreadable. This particularly becomes problematic in his digressions late in the book where he applies the attachment theory briefly to a number of things, sports, work, religion, politics, etcetera, in a number of snippets that I found to be poorly thought out and better left out completely.
If you are interested in attachment theory, look elsewhere. This book is filled with too many anecdotes and digressions to be genuinely useful.
If you are interested in attachment theory, look elsewhere. This book is filled with too many anecdotes and digressions to be genuinely useful.
August 1, 2018
I have not read much about attachment (outside of references in child development books). I am intrigued to read more about the research behind the theories on this subject. This book was a decent introduction to attachment theory, including secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment.
The book is divided into three parts. The first part details attachment, what the different types of attachment are and how they form. It is clear from the beginning of the book that the book is half details of the author's own self-exploration into attachment and half an attempt to discuss the topic in a scientific manner.
The second part of the book covers how attachment is expressed throughout peoples lives, from relationships between children and parents to looking at attachment from an elderly perspective.
The third part of the book covers attachment in leadership and religion. I had planned to give the book a rating of 3 stars until I reached the third section. The third section broke leadership up into workplace, sports, and politics. I didn't think that was necessary. The commentary on religion, I will get to in a moment. Too much of the information covered in the third section relied on conjecture. There was not enough rigorous research or experimentation presented to make any real conclusions. I couldn't trust the author's opinion and judgment of the various anecdotes he used to illustrate points. He didn't add in the context of other aspects of personality could affect various interactions. I ran into this some in the second section, but it bothered me less than in the third.
In the chapter on religion, the author indicates an obvious bias. At the end of the chapter the author speculates about what millennials (among whom religious affiliation is declining) will do when, in short, they grow older and lose people in their lives (their parents, a love relationship, maybe a sibling). If the author is truly curious, I'd love to talk. Being a millennial (according to the author's definition of being born between 1980-1994) with limited religious affiliation, a millennial who has so far experienced the deaths of her mother and two siblings (one of which suffered a violent death), I can say that it's possible to maintain a separation from religion and be a secure (likely earned secure) individual.
Anyway, the book is okay. The writing is okay. I would have preferred that the author either focus on writing about his own personal journey with some information mixed in about what he learned along the way, or made a serious journalistic inquiry with some information about his own background mixed in along the way. The book seemed like it was trying too hard to be both.
I should add, too, that I received this book as a giveaway.
The book is divided into three parts. The first part details attachment, what the different types of attachment are and how they form. It is clear from the beginning of the book that the book is half details of the author's own self-exploration into attachment and half an attempt to discuss the topic in a scientific manner.
The second part of the book covers how attachment is expressed throughout peoples lives, from relationships between children and parents to looking at attachment from an elderly perspective.
The third part of the book covers attachment in leadership and religion. I had planned to give the book a rating of 3 stars until I reached the third section. The third section broke leadership up into workplace, sports, and politics. I didn't think that was necessary. The commentary on religion, I will get to in a moment. Too much of the information covered in the third section relied on conjecture. There was not enough rigorous research or experimentation presented to make any real conclusions. I couldn't trust the author's opinion and judgment of the various anecdotes he used to illustrate points. He didn't add in the context of other aspects of personality could affect various interactions. I ran into this some in the second section, but it bothered me less than in the third.
In the chapter on religion, the author indicates an obvious bias. At the end of the chapter the author speculates about what millennials (among whom religious affiliation is declining) will do when, in short, they grow older and lose people in their lives (their parents, a love relationship, maybe a sibling). If the author is truly curious, I'd love to talk. Being a millennial (according to the author's definition of being born between 1980-1994) with limited religious affiliation, a millennial who has so far experienced the deaths of her mother and two siblings (one of which suffered a violent death), I can say that it's possible to maintain a separation from religion and be a secure (likely earned secure) individual.
Anyway, the book is okay. The writing is okay. I would have preferred that the author either focus on writing about his own personal journey with some information mixed in about what he learned along the way, or made a serious journalistic inquiry with some information about his own background mixed in along the way. The book seemed like it was trying too hard to be both.
I should add, too, that I received this book as a giveaway.
August 6, 2018
I found this book incredibly fascinating. I had previously only heard of attachment theory in passing- just enough to make me curious enough to pick up a book about it.
I'm slightly torn as to how much I should accept all of the extrapolations projected and conclusions drawn for each of the attachment styles. Some of the implications, especially those toward the end of the book, seem so far-stretched as to be long past any reasonable veracity. Others, however, often rang so true, I wondered why I had never connected the dots myself.
All in all, the theory, along with its connections and implications for day-to-day interactions, is quite enlightening, and Lovenheim's personal presentation of the material makes it all the more accessible and captivating.
I'm slightly torn as to how much I should accept all of the extrapolations projected and conclusions drawn for each of the attachment styles. Some of the implications, especially those toward the end of the book, seem so far-stretched as to be long past any reasonable veracity. Others, however, often rang so true, I wondered why I had never connected the dots myself.
All in all, the theory, along with its connections and implications for day-to-day interactions, is quite enlightening, and Lovenheim's personal presentation of the material makes it all the more accessible and captivating.
July 15, 2018
I have a degree in Psychology, so a lot of this book was a refresher on Attachment Theory. That being said, there were a lot of applications of attachment theory I had never studied or thought to be related to attachment before. If you don’t know anything about attachment theory at all, I highly recommend starting with this book.
July 24, 2018
I read as much as I wanted to read.
Half.
Half.
Read
July 20, 2018Easy, readable book about attachment theory. The first few chapters do a decent job of explaining its origins and implications. Lovenheim’s personal anecdotes add some emotional impact. The last few chapters, where he considers sports, politics and religion from the perspective of attachment, are forgettable.
Probably would’ve been better as a long, tightly composed magazine article.
Probably would’ve been better as a long, tightly composed magazine article.
May 1, 2024
Nie ze by to bola zla kniha. Ako uvod do temy teorie vztahovej vazby dobra. Vela som sa naucila a styl, akym je pisana je velmi dobre stravitelny.
Niekde v 3/4 knihy to vsak zacali byt uz trochu nasilu bludy a naplno sa prejavilo, ze autor jednoducho nie je psycholog a trochu sa nechal uniest vlastnou fascinaciou temy.
Niekde v 3/4 knihy to vsak zacali byt uz trochu nasilu bludy a naplno sa prejavilo, ze autor jednoducho nie je psycholog a trochu sa nechal uniest vlastnou fascinaciou temy.
January 3, 2021
Truly fascinating!
October 26, 2021
This book was very interesting because it was not written by an expert but by a journalist on a quest to learn about attachment theory for himself. I think that perspective made it more relatable in some ways. He also explored areas of our lives that are affected by our attachment style that I had never considered before, such as sports, politics, and the workplace. While it doesn't dive as deep into the theory as other sources, I think it's an insightful and engaging source of information on this topic.
September 21, 2018
This book gave me new insights into how early childhood impact our relationships throughout our lives. I have run the roller coaster of emotions from the guilt and disappointment in how I cared for my son but also reassured by my own childhood experiences and romantic and work relationships. There is a reason individuals react in both intimate and casual relationships that can be traced back and also hope that we can make different decisions moving forward and recover.
June 23, 2020
The more I read about Attachment Theory, the more essential it seems to know. Any of us in relationship - and of course that means all of us, since we are all in relationship somehow with others, even if that is just our family of origin, or our friends - would likely benefit from knowing how our connections are informed these ideas.
Essentially attachment theory shows us that the way that we learn to create trusting, fear-abating connections with our early caregivers, truly shapes our brains and how we then learn to relate to pretty much every other object, for the rest of our lives. That means not just future lovers (which is the emphasis of most of the research and theory) but also friends, pets, authority figures, and even abstract ideas of the divine.
This is a better book than Levine's 'Attached' which i have hitherto recommended to friends and clients, so I'll switch to this one which is highly readable, rooted in decent research, and written by a journalist not afraid of sharing his own shadow as he looks at a central issue in his life, and the lives of those around him.
This book helped me especially appreciate the connection between our general sense of trust and security in the world, and our attachment styles. I have often been told that I tend towards a more avoidant attachment style and while that is true, this book helped me to see better what that might mean in both my successful and my failed relationships.
Also, as a therapist, this book gave me a bunch of examples to draw from when talking to clients about this subject, which i can now see informs every aspect of our lives.
Surprisingly fast read, and very engaging for a lay-psychology non-fiction, I will highly recommend this to anyone wanting to not only understand human psychology in general, but just about anything relational.
It all, all starts here - our ability to connect, and how. That's the root. It is good to see that more clearly.
Essentially attachment theory shows us that the way that we learn to create trusting, fear-abating connections with our early caregivers, truly shapes our brains and how we then learn to relate to pretty much every other object, for the rest of our lives. That means not just future lovers (which is the emphasis of most of the research and theory) but also friends, pets, authority figures, and even abstract ideas of the divine.
This is a better book than Levine's 'Attached' which i have hitherto recommended to friends and clients, so I'll switch to this one which is highly readable, rooted in decent research, and written by a journalist not afraid of sharing his own shadow as he looks at a central issue in his life, and the lives of those around him.
This book helped me especially appreciate the connection between our general sense of trust and security in the world, and our attachment styles. I have often been told that I tend towards a more avoidant attachment style and while that is true, this book helped me to see better what that might mean in both my successful and my failed relationships.
Also, as a therapist, this book gave me a bunch of examples to draw from when talking to clients about this subject, which i can now see informs every aspect of our lives.
Surprisingly fast read, and very engaging for a lay-psychology non-fiction, I will highly recommend this to anyone wanting to not only understand human psychology in general, but just about anything relational.
It all, all starts here - our ability to connect, and how. That's the root. It is good to see that more clearly.
November 21, 2018
I think that this was a good introduction to the subject of attachment. I found the book interesting in parts and slow in other parts. I would have liked it more if it went a bit deeper. As a Christian, there were a couple quotes in regards to religion I found interesting -
"...studies show that if your parents raised you to have a secure attachment and you observed your parents being a religiously observant, then you are likely to follow your parent's religion. But know this model has two parts: raising a child to have secure attachment and the parents religious observance. For religious parents who wish for their children to embrace their own religion, Granqvist, and Kirkpatrick caution, religious preaching and teaching are not enough; in fact, they believe, "it may fall on entirely deaf ears unless combined with placing a high priority on sensitive caregiving that meets the children's needs for protection and security." Pg 218
"When people with secure attachments convert, the process looks much different from the sudden, dramatic conversions of the insecure. These conversions tend to occur, for example, not after a romantic breakup, but rather after the establishment of a new intimate relationship, and they tend to be gradual rather than sudden.
"Many studies on sudden religious conversion were conducted largely with Christian samples, but only one study of non-orthodox Jews who became Orthodox also found a high level of attachment insecurity among those who underwent this transformation. Another study found that insecurely attached Christian women (especially those with anxious attachment) were more likely to report being 'born again' and speaking in tongues then securely attached Christian women." Pg 219
"...studies show that if your parents raised you to have a secure attachment and you observed your parents being a religiously observant, then you are likely to follow your parent's religion. But know this model has two parts: raising a child to have secure attachment and the parents religious observance. For religious parents who wish for their children to embrace their own religion, Granqvist, and Kirkpatrick caution, religious preaching and teaching are not enough; in fact, they believe, "it may fall on entirely deaf ears unless combined with placing a high priority on sensitive caregiving that meets the children's needs for protection and security." Pg 218
"When people with secure attachments convert, the process looks much different from the sudden, dramatic conversions of the insecure. These conversions tend to occur, for example, not after a romantic breakup, but rather after the establishment of a new intimate relationship, and they tend to be gradual rather than sudden.
"Many studies on sudden religious conversion were conducted largely with Christian samples, but only one study of non-orthodox Jews who became Orthodox also found a high level of attachment insecurity among those who underwent this transformation. Another study found that insecurely attached Christian women (especially those with anxious attachment) were more likely to report being 'born again' and speaking in tongues then securely attached Christian women." Pg 219
March 6, 2023
Veľmi dobrý úvod do teórie vzťahových väzieb, ktoré si budujeme od prvých mesiacov života a nesieme si ich až po jeho koniec. Kniha kombinuje teóriu, rozhovory s odborníkmi a osobné rozprávanie autora, obsah je preto svieži, pestrý a číta sa ľahko.
Bezpečná, úzkostná, vyhýbavá alebo zmätená – to sú 4 vzťahové väzby, ktoré poznáme. Určujú dynamiku našich vzťahov, ovplyvňujú naše myšlienky, pocity a správanie. Prejavujú sa najmä v kritických situáciách, v reakcii na neistotu, strach alebo stratu. Väčšina ľudí má jeden druh väzby celý život, ale dobrá správa pre tých, ktorí nemajú tú bezpečnú – dá sa s nimi pracovať (individuálne aj vo vzťahu).
Romantika ale nie je všetko. Autor Lovenheim vkladá dôležitosť väzieb do všetkých vzťahov, vrátane športu (ako ovplyvňuje vzťah trénera s hráčmi výsledok zápasu?) alebo politiky (volia ľudia s nestabilnou vzťahovou väzbou extrémistov?). Vzhľadom k zameraniu knihy je podľa mňa pochopiteľné, že aj toto v nej nájdeme, lenže odpovede na tieto a ďalšie otázky nie sú (zatiaľ) jasné. Treba ich brať s rezervou aj preto, že vzťahové väzby sú (síce reálnou a dôležitou, no stále) malou časťou toho, čo nás podvedome tvorí, ovplyvňuje.
Knihu odporúčam, keď sa v sebe radi rýpete a ocenili by ste ľahšiu psychologickú knihu s príbehmi.
Bezpečná, úzkostná, vyhýbavá alebo zmätená – to sú 4 vzťahové väzby, ktoré poznáme. Určujú dynamiku našich vzťahov, ovplyvňujú naše myšlienky, pocity a správanie. Prejavujú sa najmä v kritických situáciách, v reakcii na neistotu, strach alebo stratu. Väčšina ľudí má jeden druh väzby celý život, ale dobrá správa pre tých, ktorí nemajú tú bezpečnú – dá sa s nimi pracovať (individuálne aj vo vzťahu).
Romantika ale nie je všetko. Autor Lovenheim vkladá dôležitosť väzieb do všetkých vzťahov, vrátane športu (ako ovplyvňuje vzťah trénera s hráčmi výsledok zápasu?) alebo politiky (volia ľudia s nestabilnou vzťahovou väzbou extrémistov?). Vzhľadom k zameraniu knihy je podľa mňa pochopiteľné, že aj toto v nej nájdeme, lenže odpovede na tieto a ďalšie otázky nie sú (zatiaľ) jasné. Treba ich brať s rezervou aj preto, že vzťahové väzby sú (síce reálnou a dôležitou, no stále) malou časťou toho, čo nás podvedome tvorí, ovplyvňuje.
Knihu odporúčam, keď sa v sebe radi rýpete a ocenili by ste ľahšiu psychologickú knihu s príbehmi.
November 13, 2021
Lovenheim evaluates attachments in various types of relationships and although I learned more about attachment theory and its origins, I feel like most of his conclusions are highly speculative. Because he is not an expert in the field and writing this partly from a journalistic perspective, he reaches weak conclusions. His personal story also seemed to fit too well, conveniently with the book's narrative, and so made me trust him less as someone who knows much about the topic - esp. the chapter about him thinking about his sister in a Catholic church and walking out if church believing he understood attachment relationships between a human and god, just after one night. Especially the end chapters where he tries to tie attachment theory to sports, politics and religion felt as though they were not deeply thought through and relied mostly on conjecture, which really undermined my trust in his knowledge in attachment theory. Still an easy and enjoyable read, as someone who is very interested in attachment theory and believing in better understanding ourselves, including our attachment type.
January 3, 2022
🌟3.5 Stars🌟
I really enjoyed this book. I appreciated following the journey of learning about attachment styles alongside the author, who is a journalist. I appreciated him touching on disorganized attachment, as the last book I read on this subject didn't touch on it as much. I think this is a good book for someone who is beginning to learn about attachment styles because it is written in a way that is very easy to understand. Its anecdotal nature really helped me visualize how various forms of attachment manifest themselves. I also appreciated that he took the time to demonstrate how attachment style plays a role in areas of life outside of familial and romantic spheres.
Although this book wasn't written by an expert, I find it holds an immense amount of value for those who want to learn to love themselves and others better.
I really enjoyed this book. I appreciated following the journey of learning about attachment styles alongside the author, who is a journalist. I appreciated him touching on disorganized attachment, as the last book I read on this subject didn't touch on it as much. I think this is a good book for someone who is beginning to learn about attachment styles because it is written in a way that is very easy to understand. Its anecdotal nature really helped me visualize how various forms of attachment manifest themselves. I also appreciated that he took the time to demonstrate how attachment style plays a role in areas of life outside of familial and romantic spheres.
Although this book wasn't written by an expert, I find it holds an immense amount of value for those who want to learn to love themselves and others better.
January 25, 2022
2.5 stars. Some useful information. As an introduction to Attachment Theory, this is a semi-decent book.
But it is hampered by painfully stilted prose and a mechanical essay structure within every chapter, like reading a Sumiko Tan piece every chapter.
One other disquieting, irritating aspect of these chapters is how the author tries to shoehorn every person in thus book into neat boxes based on their attachment styles. Oh, if only the world were so neat! If you believe the bad writing, Secure types are the Ideal Control reference point, and insecure attachment types, while condescendingly considered, are largely pathologised (oh but dont worry, they still can be useful to society, the book assures you🙄)
One of those occasional books that make me dread reading in general, not just because of the content, but because of insipid the prose is.
But it is hampered by painfully stilted prose and a mechanical essay structure within every chapter, like reading a Sumiko Tan piece every chapter.
One other disquieting, irritating aspect of these chapters is how the author tries to shoehorn every person in thus book into neat boxes based on their attachment styles. Oh, if only the world were so neat! If you believe the bad writing, Secure types are the Ideal Control reference point, and insecure attachment types, while condescendingly considered, are largely pathologised (oh but dont worry, they still can be useful to society, the book assures you🙄)
One of those occasional books that make me dread reading in general, not just because of the content, but because of insipid the prose is.
April 27, 2025
This book was interesting, but a lot of it was speculation, as there hasn't been much research done on attachment style and work or sports or whatever the second half of the book was about. I did the quiz and scored high in anxiety and low in avoidance, yet much I have many of the traits or whatever he mentions throughout for the high avoidance, making it seem like it's not very accurate. Then at the very end, the author has some religious reawakening, and tries to claim that the 30 percent of millenials who say they have no religion aren't going to be able to deal with grief when they start losing people as they get older... he didn't bother interviewing any atheists to make this claim, just decided that everyone must deal with grief the same as himself. It seems like he could have just done a bit more research on that topic after spending 2 years researching the rest of the book.
March 24, 2021
This was the book on attachment theory that my library had available. I read more than half of it and then skimmed the rest. I got the gist of attachment theory and can apply it on my own to parents and work (and sports?!?!). It was well written, but I did not feel a complete connection to author, who often used his personal experiences to illustrate his points (I think an author pretty much has to with this kind of topic). The book gave me a solid understanding of attachment theory, but I cringed at the descriptions of how secure and insecurely attached children act around their moms - definitely felt a lot of mom judgment on those pages (which is societal I think).
October 31, 2019
This book does a good job at explaining the origins of attachment theory, the different attachment styles, how they come about in childhood and how they play out in adult life. While I understand the rational of including Loveheim’s personal anecdotes, I would’ve appreciated even more research based information. I hope to read a book on this topic that was written by a psychologist and not a journalist. All in all, I really did enjoy this book and would recommend it to anyone who is interested in learning more about attachment theory / styles.
April 24, 2023
Lovenheim is not drawing any major conclusions in this book - though as a journalist rather than psych researcher this shouldn't be surprising - but he still succeeds in explaining the main concepts of attachment in a clear way that's somewhat more approachable than something more academic. As a refresher on concepts you've learned before, or as an introduction to something you'd only heard in passing, I think The Attachment Effect does a perfectly good job of explaining how development psychology can impact relationships across the board years down the line.
September 11, 2024
My favourite thing about this book was the story-like descriptions throughout the book which made it easier to read as it was more like the novels I usually read. I enjoyed how the author added his own personal experiences & covered a broad range of topics in this book, which made me learn a lot about attachment theory. I did wish that there was more information on disorganised and avoidant attachment types in the book ( since the author had an anxious attachment ). Overall, an easy and informative read which I enjoyed !
January 10, 2019
I've read many of the books available on Attachment and I found this one to be super accessible, engaging and I really loved that attachment was discussed across all areas of life. Most other books focus purely on romantic relationships. I only hesitated giving it five stars because I felt it wandered into some territory where there was a lot of hypothesizing. Fun for conversation, a little awkward for reading.
June 7, 2020
This was a very personal look at attachment theory. The author explores attachment styles mostly through the context of his own life experiences and personal conversations with attachment experts and other people.
That approach has some pros and cons - the author himself isn't an attachment expert, so it somewhat lessens the credibility of the book. A lot of the stories he tells are also simply that - stories. Assumptions he's making that really can't be scientifically backed up.
That being said, there's also a lot of good about this "personal" approach to the subject of attachment. In general it makes the subject easily approachable. You see how attachment plays out in "normal" life. This is the only attachment book I've read that talks about attachment not only in terms of parent/child and romantic relationships, but also in terms of work relationships, dating, sports and even politics.
In general I think it's a solid book about attachment, as long as you keep in mind that it's intended to simply open your eyes to how attachment styles play out in all areas of life, not to be 100% accurate on diagnosing different attachment styles.
That approach has some pros and cons - the author himself isn't an attachment expert, so it somewhat lessens the credibility of the book. A lot of the stories he tells are also simply that - stories. Assumptions he's making that really can't be scientifically backed up.
That being said, there's also a lot of good about this "personal" approach to the subject of attachment. In general it makes the subject easily approachable. You see how attachment plays out in "normal" life. This is the only attachment book I've read that talks about attachment not only in terms of parent/child and romantic relationships, but also in terms of work relationships, dating, sports and even politics.
In general I think it's a solid book about attachment, as long as you keep in mind that it's intended to simply open your eyes to how attachment styles play out in all areas of life, not to be 100% accurate on diagnosing different attachment styles.
March 21, 2021
I learned a lot in the first half, the second had too many anecdotes and what felt like a ton of speculation. I also assume the majority of folks picking up a book on attachment theory know they have some things to work out and if you’re an insecure attached person this book will leave you feeling like shit. No recommended ways to improve, just example upon example of how secure folks are better in every way.
April 10, 2025
I found this book to be insightful and genuinely reflective. While it’s pretty introductory if you’re already familiar with attachment styles, what stood out to me was the author’s personal journey. His vulnerability and storytelling added depth to the material and invited me to reflect on my own experiences—especially my grief. Overall, it was a meaningful read, and I appreciated the blend of research with personal narrative.
January 20, 2019
This offers a well researched snapshot of Attachment Theory. It is not an academic book but rather very much experiential as the author weaves his own journey into its page. This is a worthwhile read and definitely a book I would recommend to others who are on their own journey from an anxious attachment to earned secure. It is an easy and enjoyable read.
October 29, 2019
An awesome introduction to attachment theory! This is written from a journalistic standpoint, so do not expect to find a lot of advice on how to handle your attachment style, but there are plenty of other books for that. 4 stars instead of 5 only because I found the long narratives with different research contributors to be a little tedious.
December 17, 2020
This was a good introduction to attachment theory. It included nice examples to help understand its manifestations and applicability in different settings, such as relationships with parents, romantic partner, platonic friendships, and even others
I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in developing a simple foundation in attachment theory.
I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in developing a simple foundation in attachment theory.
February 10, 2021
While extremely interesting to discover your attachment type, it gives little in ways to change it more towards an "earned secure" one. I found it very interesting overall, but disappointing in that aspect. Still a good read and would recommend it to people, if only to find out what your attachment type. Very useful, that.
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