What Would Virginia Woolf Do?: And Other Questions I Ask Myself as I Attempt to Age Without Apology

by Nina Lorez Collins

When Nina Collins entered her forties she found herself awash in a sea of hormones. As symptoms of perimenopause set in, she began to fear losing her health, looks, sexuality, sense of humor-perhaps all at once. Craving a place to discuss her questions and concerns, and finding none, Nina started a Facebook group with the ironic name, "What Would Virginia Woolf Do?," which has grown exponentially into a place where women-most with strong opinions and fierce senses of humor--have surprisingly candid, lively, and intimate conversations.

Mid-life is a time when women want to think about purpose, about how to be their best selves, and how to love themselves as they enter the second half of life. They yearn to acknowledge the nostalgia and sadness that comes with aging, but also want to revel in their hard-earned wisdom.


Part memoir and part resource on everything from fashion and skincare to sex and surviving the empty nest, What Would Virginia Woolf Do? is a frank and intimate conversation mixed with anecdotes and honesty, wrapped up in a literary joke. It's also a destination, a place where readers can nestle in and see what happens when women feel comfortable enough to get real with each other: defy the shame that the culture often throws their way, find solace and laugh out loud, and revel in this new phase of life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Feminism, Self Help

Audiobook

First published April 10, 2018

Reviews

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nina Lorez Collins fearlessly tackles a lot of topics about aging that have the potential to make us feel very uncomfortable. My overall takeaway is that "most of us have more choice now than we've probably ever had in our lives, and certainly more than any generation of women before us."

My favorite chapter is on fashion where Lorez Collins writes, "walking around in your pajamas in broad daylight can be an act of liberation." What do we do when we feel invisible and we don't want to wear what society deems is 'appropriate' attire for our particular decade? The answer is to apply "humor and defiance with a healthy dollop of self-awareness." Hence the pajamas.

I was amused by the author's tip on how to purchase a swimsuit. No more crying in department store changing rooms, purchase online and when the package is delivered, "all you'll need is a full-length mirror, a glass of wine, and candlelight."

If all else fails, go to "Plan B, embrace the caftan." After all, they can be truly beautiful in color and design, and come in different lengths and gauges. Once you have chosen your favorite, "stroke its gauzy fabric and whisper into its folds."

I remember watching Jenny Beavan walking on stage to accept an Oscar for Costume Design for Mad Max: Fury Road. Her choice of outfit for this award ceremony met with a mixture of silence, humor and criticism.

Her pithy response to being referred to as a "bag lady" by Stephen Fry was to say, "You've seen me. I'm short, I'm fat. I would look ridiculous in a gown. What I was wearing at the Oscars was an homage to Mad Max - a kind of biker outfit."

Jenny added, "The only thing I would like is for my outfit to have a positive effect on what women feel about themselves. You don't have to look like a supermodel to be successful."

A final example of Lorez Collin's canny treatment of a potentially embarrassing and all too common issue of aging: "Peeing yourself is a secret rarely passed down through generations like a delicious apple pie recipe."

All humor aside, one thing I learned from this book is that "community is everything" and our best chance of enjoying life to the fullest extent is to band together and be honest with one another about what we are experiencing. There is nothing quite like realizing that you are not alone when people open up to one another and share with honesty and kindness.

[Carol Waters · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is killing me. I want to be open to others' opinions but right now she's talking about making your pubic hair bright blue. She does age-shaming of Kate Blanchett (because she said she didn't want to use Botox or surgery) and of Julianne Moore (because she was airbrushed in a cosmetics ad when Helen Mirren wasn't) and said a few pages back, "When I am grey and decrepit" when she is supposed to be writing about empowerment. Apparently this book is for women 40-60 because she sure slams people past that point. I am thinking about skipping parts. I was hoping for more. This is becoming its own pockets full of rocks sort of book.

Author keeps quoting Ephron. I loved her book, "I Feel Bad About My Neck" on getting older. This one is just page after page of self-absorbed vanity. The rant on why Botox is needed sums up her attitude on aging. Do anything to avoid it.

This book is one huge apology.

"There really is no limit to how much you can spend on your beauty regime." She says that 3 out of 4 women threw down $20,000 a year on beauty. When I decided that I might need an eye lift, I took the money it would have cost and went to Ireland for a week with my mom and sister instead. That lifted my attitude for life.

Ok, I am plowing through this thing and it just got worse. The author suggests that women keep a prescription of Xanax on hand so if there is a bad election result or some other life issue they can pop a pill and get through it. Seriously?

[Nancy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this could be an ultra helpful book to the right person, but I am not the right person for this book. So much of what the author talks about isn't really appropriate for me.

She discusses fashion: she recommends losing the 4" heels in favor of clogs or kitten heels; I already wear flats and don't really like clogs. She is a little against bathing suits with skirts or wearing uber-tight shape wear such as Spanx. Ironically enough, I just bought 2 new swim suits complete with skirts, and yes, as she says, I did buy them because I'm just giving up. She's kind of right about that one. But I do ALWAYS wear comfortable (read: loose) shape wear, never the uber-tight, have-to-fight-just-to-get-it-on-my-body kind. Not cause I'm trying to actually shape or firm up anything under my skirt, but simply because it's the comfort of shorts with the girly/professional look of a dress. Yes please!

She talks about medical and health issues, such as boob size increasing, sometimes tremendously, like overnight (mine haven't changed in 20 years); she recommends exercise, vitamins, and massage; I am already doing (or trying to do) all of these; she discusses special undies such as Thinx period-proof or Icon for incontinence (ummm, no thank you, not for me).

There's a section on Parenting. I skipped it since there's no kids in my particular picture.

She talks about numerous beauty problems: the need for Latisse to grow eyelashes (I just put on a lot of eyeliner), the need for shampoos & supplements to combat thinning hair (no need for that just yet), the need to start coloring hair (I've been coloring since 22 when I was already tired of plucking the occasional gray hair!), and the need to keep tweezers everywhere for those pesky chin hair (which have not yet made an appearance, thankfully!). She also discusses things such as divorce, 2nd marriages, prenups, stepkids, life insurance, etc.

Who knows, in another 10 years, I may just be the right reader for this book. But for right now, I am not.

[Kristen Freiburger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Admittedly some parts were super cringey (had to urban dictionary some terms) but on the whole, some great advice. Wish we were neighbors!

[Tamara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is like having a best friend or big sister who can support, commiserate, and give good advice about anything and everything that comes up as you approach mid-life. No topic is off limits and the message is strong and positive. I would have liked a bit more depth instead of breadth. That said, hearing about how other women deal with the same struggles that I have is both comforting and empowering.

Thanks to Goodreads and the publisher for a review copy.

[Heather Hunter · Rating 3 out of 5]

Light and funny, this quick read landed in my hands the week I turn 51. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

This easy page-turner answers many female questions and posits middle age in a familial, familiar and humorous light.

Now I have joined the Facebook group for more laughs and normalizing of the inherent challenges we face as aging woman.

[Becky Meyers · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like it and maybe just in age I’m not there. I thought it would be more about empowering woman as they go through the next phase of life but I honestly felt depressed.

[Joelle Boeve · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every woman should read this...at least the first 3/4 of it. It’s worth it!

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was recently scrolling through books about Virginia Woolf, when I saw the title of this book - What Would Virginia Woolf Do? Then, I saw the rest of the title "And Other Questions I ask myself as I attempt to age without apology." I said to myself, this is a book for me. I am in a continuous search for the book or books that will answer my questions about aging. I'm going headlong over the hill and I want to know what's on the other side when I get there.

Since I just recently got hooked into Virginia Woolf's life, her struggles and her writing (and I know things did not end well for her), I was a little skeptical about Nina Lorez Collins' choice of role models. But as I read the book, I learned that Nina created a Facebook group for women to allow the "Woolfers" to discuss issues openly and honestly in an attempt to get through menopause with a combination of knowledge, grace and humor.

The book covers fashion, sex and relationships, the effects of aging on women's bodies, parenting (and taking care of your own parents), beauty, emotions, health, and finances. I would consider the chapters on health, emotions and sex to be must-reads. The book has had such an impact on me that I have begun a new exercise regime where I walk every day at lunch and after dinner. I have stuck with it for almost a week so far. (Big deal for me.) And I am trying to cut out sugar. One night this week, I dreamed that I was eating a protein-only cake. (It was a dream.) I knew that reading this book and thinking about my health and eating-habits triggered that dream. But I digress...

All of the chapters are equally honest, open and researched, with a sprinkling of literary quotes and excerpts from the "Woolfers'" Facebook group discussions. In addition, Nina shares a ton of personal details and perspective from her own life in a way that I have not seen in any other book I have read on menopause. There are topics that most books don't cover, but this book does. As I read this book, my most consistent reaction was gratitude - I'm grateful to know that I am not alone with my symptoms, problems and concerns. Some of these topics are truly delicate and not easy to discuss. All the topics are addressed with sensitivity and care. And there is a nice list of references in the back.

If there is one thing I take away from reading this book, it's that men and women have different, almost opposite symptoms of menopause-related depression (see page 212). Who knew??!

This book may not be for everyone. Nina admitted that even the "Woolfers" disagree at times. But I'm glad I read it and I would recommend it to anyone who is approaching the top of the hill. With a little knowledge and humor, let's go over and see what's on the other side.

[Alisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Without chapter 7, which is like 50 pages of well-researched doctors' office waiting room pamphlets, I might have given this book a solid 4 stars. It is often poignant, relatable, and funny. But it has, I found, very little to do with what Virginia Woolf would actually do, which for me was disappointing. I also could not shake the constant "othering" discomfort I felt, at the author's apparent belief that it is an unshakable proven truth that we are all embarrassed and ashamed of the fact that we are aging. Some of us are not. She seemed to grasp this in the first chapter, but for me this waned as the book progressed. By the last third of the book, I just wanted it to be over.

[Crystal · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am just glad that I am finally finished with this one. For those women interested in this (what to expect with middle age) book, I’ll tell you: it’s depressing, we are all dying, and for women with husbands: I feel bad for you. The end.

[Nora · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sort of a cross between a self-help book and a memoir, the book is a fun read especially for those of us in the peri- or even post-menopausal stage of life. I like Collins' attitude toward aging, her refusal to assume anything about her physical or emotional or social status. She's done her research, and at every stage she brings in expert information (there's also a helpful list of sources and further reading at the end of the book) to answer questions, but she also frequently quotes from the women in her Facebook group, whom she refers to as Woolfies (kind of endearing, actually), who share their insights about what's going on in their experiences of aging.

Obviously, not everybody has the same kinds of experiences, even physical ones, and it can be a little daunting (I imagine) to read about mood swings and body changes if you're not one of the people who's going to experience those effects, but I like that she erred on the side of exhaustiveness rather than focusing only on those things that actually happened to her.

The personal side of the book isn't overdone; I tend not to like books where the author considers her experience to be the be all and end all, especially if the personality isn't particularly appealing. Collins has lived an interesting life, with two marriages and four kids, periods of self-employment, giving up a business that was successful and then having to try to get back on the roller coaster of employment later, being both a married and single parent to kids, parenting teenagers and young adults as well as babies and little children. Throughout it all, she seems to have kept her sense of perspective and sense of humor (there are a lot of laugh out loud lines in the book), so when she refers to her own experiences, there's always a context and it's never presented as the only way to do something. As a matter of fact, she goes out of her way repeatedly to remind readers that there isn't just one way to do anything, so kudos for her!

A fun, informative read.

[MariMel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was such a helpful book. I thought at the beginning that it was going to be a superficial perspective on aging (how do I stay young-looking, pretty and sexy?) but the author ended up covering a wide range of topics for women in their 40s and 50s. (Maybe she started with the light stuff so you'd keep reading once you got to health and finances.) As I approach 50, I'm amazed at how little women know about perimenopause and menopause and how little we're generally prepared to age in our youth-oriented society. Many thanks to Nina Collins for educating me and so many other women about the ups and downs of aging and especially how to appreciate and make the most of the benefits. As the quote on the cover says "this is a book you'll want to give to all your girlfriends" and I have already suggested it to many friends!

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overall this is a great book on a slew of topics aging women are facing today, all described with brave honesty and humor. While you may not agree with, need or heed all of the advice, there's something in here for everyone, and I definitely plan on keeping it as a resource that I'm certain I'll look back on, as topics not relevant to me today may very well be in the near future. It gave me time to pause and reflect on how I can make my life better and easier, and look forward to aging happily and gracefully vs. with dread. The topics that gripped me the most were about health and money - both scary when combined with getting older, but so important to make plans around, and Collins and fellow Woolfers give smart advice here, and throughout the book. This was an inspirational read.

[Lynne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book title spoke to me as I really needed a life lesson in aging gracefully. I stuck it out to the end but it took more effort than I expected. It was like listening to a best friend talk about all these personal things you never even knew she thought about, and only some of which you can relate to. It was very much HER story and a little too self indulgent for my taste. I kept wondering how she had so many friends willing to talk about this stuff but when I realized they were all from her Facebook group and she'd never even met most of them it made sense. I did learn something and found some comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this aging thing, but I suggest the skim technique where you just read the chapters that seem relevant.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

I LOVED the idea of this book. The first few chapters were completely relatable to me, a 44 yo woman, once 30 and drop dead with the body of a goddess. Now...um...totally not. So the chapters about wearing pajamas to the grocery store and plastic surgery were engrossing. Yet, as it continued, I couldn't feel the same for the later chapters on divorce, children, IRAs....The book seemed to leave out my demographic: perimenopausal single women without careers just trying to get by. What I'm saying is that you can only relate to this if you are upper middle class to upper class, white, and family minded.

Plus, the title is totally misleading.

[Mayaluna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Are you a woman? Are you a woman heading into your late 40’s? Do you live with such a woman? Is perimenopause of interest to you? Then this is your book. Brash, frightening, depression inducing, funny and extremely helpful. The author is a bold, badass New Yorker. This book is not for the prude or squeamish. The audiobook is an easy listen, but not one you’d want to listen to on speaker in front of children. It’s quite informative. The first listen through I was too shocked to absorb much. A second listening provided some great advice on what to do and not do to survive with a modicum of grace and sanity. There needs to be a whole lot more books of this sort.

[Kidlitter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Collins takes on menopause with style, compassion and humour, tackling one of society's more ridiculously taboo subjects. The process by which women age largely goes undiscussed, except for bad hot flash jokes. Even among women, voices drop, eyes roll and collusion reigns to keep menopause something to be embarrassed about, or even worse, treated like an illness. Collins brings a cheerful, frank approach to discussing all the ways menopause is challenging, with comic examples as well as loads of practical advice, but most of all with the point of view that female biology from start to finish is not something to be ashamed of. Most of all, Collins urges solidarity and support among women, old and young, and for that alone, her breezy, brave and cheeky book should be passed along from one friend to another.

On another note, I recommend the recent French film, I Got Life, which is a rare romcom about a woman in her fifties navigating single motherhood, waning job prospects, and yes, menopause, all as she tries to reignite the flame with her lost love. If we had more representations of this stage of life to enjoy then perhaps more women would not dread menopause, but simply treat it as another stage of life, not as kind of living death.

[Shana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book covers SUCH a broad range of topics from health, to finance to many more intimate subjects. It's a combination of Collins' story and advice as well as compiled wisdom from her fb group and researched data. I think it should be essential reading for anyone facing perimenopause. Of course this advice is skewed to upper middle class, educated women, typically with children, who have choices, and feels skewed urban white as well if that makes sense in terms of doctor choices, grooming regimens, etc. but there is a lot of great advice for all with great humor and frankness.

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

I listened to about 6 hours of the audiobook. I think it is difficult to listen to so many opinions over facts. There are loads of quotes which are difficult to discern from the author's voice and someone else's voice. Some of the information is contradictory from some of the recent research available today. The author comes from a very privileged background making it hard for me to relate to and some of the people that she quotes and is around lives a life that is far from anything that I will ever understand. I don't think I'm the target audience for this book.

[Laura Zam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured WHAT WOULD VIRGINIA WOOLF DO. It was packed with so much wisdom and advice I didn't feel I could get from other places. I especially appreciated how contemporary it is -- up-to-date information about women's health, for instance. Real guidance, too. Not platitudes or generic wisdom. This book gets deeply into issues (and areas of fun), so useful help can be extracted. I bought my copy ages ago, and I return to this gem, again and again. Get it. You won't be disappointed.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

Much of this book is depressing, terrifying, annoying and/or aggravating. But there is very little out there in the way of frank discussion or sources of information about what really goes down when women emerge from the “estrogen cloud” in midlife. Christiane Northrop is great but there is room for a somewhat more jaundiced take on all of it.

[Crystal Mcgowan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to on Audible. Narration is fine but had to be careful where I listened to this on speaker because of the topics. Had some laugh aloud moments and eye-rolls. I prefer the Facebook group to the book because then I can skim and read what is relevant or interesting to me and ignore the rest. Getting old isn't for the weak.

[Melissa M. M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this! Felt like a Kong form article written by a funny and trusted friend. Interesting info, I found myself going “hmm, wow!” many times as I learned the things. During the middle there was a point where I thought, “oh my goodness, is there any hope for any of us?” But please, read to the end. You’ll feel empowered, encouraged, and ready to face what’s to come.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Best self-help book I've read. Most in that genre are written by folks who have one idea, and repeat it ad nauseum. Nina Lorez Collins is a writer first, so this advice was solid and helpful and entertaining, highly recommend!

[Candy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A frank, randy guide for over 40 women...

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Scariest book I've ever read.

[Mary Nee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is about as you approach mid-life and it is strong and positive.It is honest and with humor.

[Lori Werhane · Rating 3 out of 5]

A quick read with some really validating info for women. Some of the chapters are not my thing (fashion), but I thought the mental health and healthcare were very important.

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Humorous look at getting older, gets a bit trite at times