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Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts
How do you get to “happily ever after”?
In fairy tales, lasting love just happens. But in real life, healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. Happy Together, written by positive psychology experts and husband-and-wife team Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski, is the first book on using the principles of positive psychology to create thriving romantic relationships. Combining extensive scientific research and real-life examples, this book will help you find and feed the good in yourself and your partner. You will learn to develop key habits for building and sustaining long-term love by:
• Promoting a healthy passion
• Prioritizing positive emotions
• Mindfully savoring experiences together
• Seeking out strengths in each other
Through easy-to-follow methods and fun exercises, you’ll learn to strengthen your partnership, whether you’re looking to start a relationship off on the right foot, weather difficult times, reignite passion, or transform2 a good marriage into a great one.
In fairy tales, lasting love just happens. But in real life, healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. Happy Together, written by positive psychology experts and husband-and-wife team Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski, is the first book on using the principles of positive psychology to create thriving romantic relationships. Combining extensive scientific research and real-life examples, this book will help you find and feed the good in yourself and your partner. You will learn to develop key habits for building and sustaining long-term love by:
• Promoting a healthy passion
• Prioritizing positive emotions
• Mindfully savoring experiences together
• Seeking out strengths in each other
Through easy-to-follow methods and fun exercises, you’ll learn to strengthen your partnership, whether you’re looking to start a relationship off on the right foot, weather difficult times, reignite passion, or transform2 a good marriage into a great one.
272 pages, Paperback
Published January 16, 2018
187 people are currently reading
1709 people want to read
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May 17, 2024
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS:
- Healthiest relationships are ones in which there is a good balance of initiation between two partners, and in which each partner is adept at both roles.
2. CHARACTER:
- You need to exercise your character in challenging ways to keep it strong.
3. POSITIVE FEELINGS:
- The more you continually kindle positive feelings in your relationships, the more connected and happy you feel overall.
4. SUPPORT AUTONOMY:
- Healthiest relationships are ones in which each person supports the autonomous motivation of the other.
5. APPRECIATE THE STRENGTHS:
- When you recognize and appreciate your partner’s character strengths you are likely to be happy in your relationship.
6. GROW:
- Consider how you can best use a strength to support your partner and grow the relationship.
7. PRIORITIZE KINDNESS:
- Happy couples in his studies overwhelmingly prioritize kindness and build it into their relationship.
8. RITUALS:
- Meaningful relationship rituals can be a powerful way of reminding ourselves of our commitment to the Good and of our recognition and support of it in each other.
9. COUPLES WHO MENTOR:
- Find experienced couples who embody the principles of Aristotelian love and who can mentor you in your own development.
10. LEARN FROM MISTAKES:
- Much more important than trying to avoid all mistakes is a mutual commitment to learn from them in our quest to make our relationships better.
1. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS:
- Healthiest relationships are ones in which there is a good balance of initiation between two partners, and in which each partner is adept at both roles.
2. CHARACTER:
- You need to exercise your character in challenging ways to keep it strong.
3. POSITIVE FEELINGS:
- The more you continually kindle positive feelings in your relationships, the more connected and happy you feel overall.
4. SUPPORT AUTONOMY:
- Healthiest relationships are ones in which each person supports the autonomous motivation of the other.
5. APPRECIATE THE STRENGTHS:
- When you recognize and appreciate your partner’s character strengths you are likely to be happy in your relationship.
6. GROW:
- Consider how you can best use a strength to support your partner and grow the relationship.
7. PRIORITIZE KINDNESS:
- Happy couples in his studies overwhelmingly prioritize kindness and build it into their relationship.
8. RITUALS:
- Meaningful relationship rituals can be a powerful way of reminding ourselves of our commitment to the Good and of our recognition and support of it in each other.
9. COUPLES WHO MENTOR:
- Find experienced couples who embody the principles of Aristotelian love and who can mentor you in your own development.
10. LEARN FROM MISTAKES:
- Much more important than trying to avoid all mistakes is a mutual commitment to learn from them in our quest to make our relationships better.
October 12, 2023
Want to learn how to integrate Ancient Wisdom + Modern Science + Practical Tools to optimize your relationship? This book is it! I HIGHLY recommend it.
“We are now excited to be able to present this work in book format. And we offer it to all those who are—or hope to be—in romantic relationships and want to make them the happiest, healthiest, and most fulfilling they can be. We want to be clear we are not claiming that we have it all figured out, that our relationship is one blissful moment after another, and that if you follow our instructions, you too will live happily ever after. (Trust us, it’s not sunshine and rainbows all the time for us, either!) Instead of fairy-tale endings, we believe in brave beginnings and informed efforts, not so we can magically find the relationship of our dreams, but so we can wisely create beautiful relationships in the real world.
Note that this book is not titled 13 Steps to a Blissful Marriage, The Complete Guide to Happily Ever After, or Everything You Need to Know About Romantic Relationships. Although such titles seem appealing in the easy promises they offer, we believe they are fundamentally misleading. Marriages are not meat loafs, in which mastering a few steps will yield perfect results every time. Nor are they so simple that anyone can provide a complete guide to them, since each and every marriage or partnership is affected by myriad complications, starting with the two people in it. The truth is, real relationships can be delightful, uplifting, and satisfying, yet are often messy and frustrating—and sometimes heartbreaking. The important thing to keep in mind is that, as with any human endeavor, we can get better at relationships through well-directed effort. …
Whether you are newlywed or newly single or you have been married for fifty years or have not yet been in a romantic relationship, we invite you to think of this book as an invitation to the relationship gym, where we can all benefit from the advice of psychologists and philosophers to help us actively build love that lasts.”
~ Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James Pawelski from Happy Together
Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP, is a freelance writer and well-being consultant specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on relationships and health. She has a Master of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania.
James Pawelski, PhD, is a Professor of Practice (← best professorial title EVER?) and the Director of Education in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, where he cofounded the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology program with Martin Seligman. He is one of the world’s leading positive psychologists who has presented keynote talks in more than twenty countries on six continents.
I got this book after James Pawelski and Larry King interviewed me as part of their Positive Voices interview series. (One of our Heroic Coach – Class I graduates, Donna Hemmert, introduced us. Thanks again for connecting us, Donna!!)
When I heard about this book, I immediately got it. When it arrived, Alexandra (who reads as much as I do!) immediately grabbed it and read it first. She loved it. So did I.
I like to start a book by reading the back cover then the inside flap then the testimonials. This book features testimonials from a Who’s Who of positive psychology Luminaries. I went through the list and marked off the books we’ve covered and noted the ones we haven’t covered (yet!) so we can expand our collection!
For example, here’s a brief list of brilliant authors we’ve featured who loved the book as much as I did: Angela Duckworth ( Grit ), Tom Rath ( Life’s Great Question , Eat Move Sleep , Are You Fully Charged? ), Tal Ben-Shahar ( Happier , The Pursuit of Perfect and Choose the Life You Want ), Marci Shimoff ( Happy for No Reason ), Joshua Rosenthal ( Integrative Nutrition ), Barry Schwartz ( The Paradox of Choice ), Ed Diener ( Happiness ), Barbara Fredrickson ( Love 2.0 ), Scott Barry Kaufman ( Wired to Create ), George Vaillant ( Spiritual Evolution ), Ryan Niemiec ( The Power of Character Strengths ), and Caroline Adams Miller ( Getting Grit ) and Sonja Lyubomirsky ( The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness ).
Then we have the cofounder of the whole Positive Psychology movement himself, Martin Seligman, with whom James cofounded the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology program at Penn, who wrote the incredible foreword. (Check out our Notes on Learned Optimism , Authentic Happiness and Flourish .)
So, yah. The book comes incredibly highly recommended. For one very simple reason. It’s FANTASTIC. I’ve been waiting for a very long time for the book that would make me say: “READ THIS BOOK if you want to figure out how to integrate Ancient Wisdom + Modern Science + Practical Tools to Optimize your relationship.” And, well, THIS book is it.
I HIGHLY recommend it. Get a copy here . Of course, it’s PACKED with Big Ideas and I’m excited to share some of my favorites so let’s jump straight in!
Some of my favorite big ideas from this book include:
1. The Relationship Gym - Hit it. Today!
2. Aristotelian Lovers = The REAL Soul Mates.
3. SNAP - James geniuses x2.
4. Know Thy...Self and thy partner. - Self and thy partner.
5. Love Is an Action Verb - Take the vow.
I’ve summarized those Big Ideas in a Philosopher’s Notes TV episode that you can watch here.
P.S. I’ve added Happy Together to my collection of Philosopher’s Notes--distilling the Big Ideas into 6-page PDF and 20-minute MP3s on 600+ of the BEST self-development books ever. You can get access to all of those plus a TON more over at heroic.us.
“We are now excited to be able to present this work in book format. And we offer it to all those who are—or hope to be—in romantic relationships and want to make them the happiest, healthiest, and most fulfilling they can be. We want to be clear we are not claiming that we have it all figured out, that our relationship is one blissful moment after another, and that if you follow our instructions, you too will live happily ever after. (Trust us, it’s not sunshine and rainbows all the time for us, either!) Instead of fairy-tale endings, we believe in brave beginnings and informed efforts, not so we can magically find the relationship of our dreams, but so we can wisely create beautiful relationships in the real world.
Note that this book is not titled 13 Steps to a Blissful Marriage, The Complete Guide to Happily Ever After, or Everything You Need to Know About Romantic Relationships. Although such titles seem appealing in the easy promises they offer, we believe they are fundamentally misleading. Marriages are not meat loafs, in which mastering a few steps will yield perfect results every time. Nor are they so simple that anyone can provide a complete guide to them, since each and every marriage or partnership is affected by myriad complications, starting with the two people in it. The truth is, real relationships can be delightful, uplifting, and satisfying, yet are often messy and frustrating—and sometimes heartbreaking. The important thing to keep in mind is that, as with any human endeavor, we can get better at relationships through well-directed effort. …
Whether you are newlywed or newly single or you have been married for fifty years or have not yet been in a romantic relationship, we invite you to think of this book as an invitation to the relationship gym, where we can all benefit from the advice of psychologists and philosophers to help us actively build love that lasts.”
~ Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James Pawelski from Happy Together
Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP, is a freelance writer and well-being consultant specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on relationships and health. She has a Master of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania.
James Pawelski, PhD, is a Professor of Practice (← best professorial title EVER?) and the Director of Education in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, where he cofounded the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology program with Martin Seligman. He is one of the world’s leading positive psychologists who has presented keynote talks in more than twenty countries on six continents.
I got this book after James Pawelski and Larry King interviewed me as part of their Positive Voices interview series. (One of our Heroic Coach – Class I graduates, Donna Hemmert, introduced us. Thanks again for connecting us, Donna!!)
When I heard about this book, I immediately got it. When it arrived, Alexandra (who reads as much as I do!) immediately grabbed it and read it first. She loved it. So did I.
I like to start a book by reading the back cover then the inside flap then the testimonials. This book features testimonials from a Who’s Who of positive psychology Luminaries. I went through the list and marked off the books we’ve covered and noted the ones we haven’t covered (yet!) so we can expand our collection!
For example, here’s a brief list of brilliant authors we’ve featured who loved the book as much as I did: Angela Duckworth ( Grit ), Tom Rath ( Life’s Great Question , Eat Move Sleep , Are You Fully Charged? ), Tal Ben-Shahar ( Happier , The Pursuit of Perfect and Choose the Life You Want ), Marci Shimoff ( Happy for No Reason ), Joshua Rosenthal ( Integrative Nutrition ), Barry Schwartz ( The Paradox of Choice ), Ed Diener ( Happiness ), Barbara Fredrickson ( Love 2.0 ), Scott Barry Kaufman ( Wired to Create ), George Vaillant ( Spiritual Evolution ), Ryan Niemiec ( The Power of Character Strengths ), and Caroline Adams Miller ( Getting Grit ) and Sonja Lyubomirsky ( The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness ).
Then we have the cofounder of the whole Positive Psychology movement himself, Martin Seligman, with whom James cofounded the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology program at Penn, who wrote the incredible foreword. (Check out our Notes on Learned Optimism , Authentic Happiness and Flourish .)
So, yah. The book comes incredibly highly recommended. For one very simple reason. It’s FANTASTIC. I’ve been waiting for a very long time for the book that would make me say: “READ THIS BOOK if you want to figure out how to integrate Ancient Wisdom + Modern Science + Practical Tools to Optimize your relationship.” And, well, THIS book is it.
I HIGHLY recommend it. Get a copy here . Of course, it’s PACKED with Big Ideas and I’m excited to share some of my favorites so let’s jump straight in!
Some of my favorite big ideas from this book include:
1. The Relationship Gym - Hit it. Today!
2. Aristotelian Lovers = The REAL Soul Mates.
3. SNAP - James geniuses x2.
4. Know Thy...Self and thy partner. - Self and thy partner.
5. Love Is an Action Verb - Take the vow.
I’ve summarized those Big Ideas in a Philosopher’s Notes TV episode that you can watch here.
P.S. I’ve added Happy Together to my collection of Philosopher’s Notes--distilling the Big Ideas into 6-page PDF and 20-minute MP3s on 600+ of the BEST self-development books ever. You can get access to all of those plus a TON more over at heroic.us.
July 30, 2019
Positive psychology was new to me. It kept my interest enough to make notes to see if any of this is applicable in my relationship with others.
Enjoyed learning about the two types of motivation (autonomous and controlled) as well as the 3 basic relationship types (useful, pleasurable and good). Even took the character strengths test they suggest (http://www.viacharacter.org/www/). I'll look back on you later, book. I've got notes on you...
Enjoyed learning about the two types of motivation (autonomous and controlled) as well as the 3 basic relationship types (useful, pleasurable and good). Even took the character strengths test they suggest (http://www.viacharacter.org/www/). I'll look back on you later, book. I've got notes on you...
May 18, 2018
Easy to read and good for you/the people you love
February 6, 2020
Good advice on how to avoid codependency in relationships. I benefited a lot reading about the inherent problems of “obsessive love” or as the book illustrates, Jerry Maguire syndrome. Finding someone to “complete me” is my modus operandi in relationships and I am grateful for the insights and advice on building interdependent love instead. Where each partner is their own person and makes their own contributions inside and outside the relationship.
The authors’ practice of positive psychology are rooted in the thinking of Aristotle and William James which comes from a formal pragmatic approach. And it is not hard to see the examples they use are oriented toward straight suburban middle class couples, which is a huge omission and limitation of their analysis.
Overall, the book is self aware enough to not be obnoxiously self helpful and doesn’t try to sell you a bag of goods about the “perfect” relationship.
The authors’ practice of positive psychology are rooted in the thinking of Aristotle and William James which comes from a formal pragmatic approach. And it is not hard to see the examples they use are oriented toward straight suburban middle class couples, which is a huge omission and limitation of their analysis.
Overall, the book is self aware enough to not be obnoxiously self helpful and doesn’t try to sell you a bag of goods about the “perfect” relationship.
January 16, 2018
A must read for anyone in a romantic relationship or looking to be in a romantic relationship! I devoured this book in one sitting, stopping only to complete the helpful exercises provided in each chapter. Authors Suzie Pileggi Pawelski and James Pawelski perfectly combine positive psychology scientific research, personal examples from their marriage, and fun exercises. I can't wait to share this book with my husband, family, and friends!
January 18, 2019
Unfortunately heteronormative, but some really good takeaways and exercises within for a better relationship and sense of self.
November 10, 2021
Quick read with some helpful exercises to boost your relationship.
Read
January 11, 2023Hard copy.
Romance and Research workshops
Working on relationships requires sustained effort and habits but once we see the results we are motivated to keep going
Couples can work on their marriages by applying the science of positive psychology
Three key activities for flourishing: cultivating positive emotions in your daily life, developing a harmonious and healthy passion, seeking out and celebrating good times
Positive psychology = realizing opportunities vs fixing problems
Focuses on human strengths and potential and celebrates what’s best in life
Emphasizes goals, well-being, satisfaction, happiness, interpersonal skills, perseverance, talent, wisdom, and personal responsibility
Study concepts like passion, gratitude, savoring, and spirituality
Martin Seligman’s address to the APA in 1998
Fighting unhappiness is not the same thing as producing happiness - we feel both at the same time
Negativity bias so the positive is harder
Four areas are especially important in making relationships last - passion, positive emotions, savoring, character
Problems w soul mate paradigm - leaving it up to fate doesn’t motivate you to work on yourself, doesn’t allow you to change and grow when you have to be their perfect other half, makes you overly reliant on the other person instead of interdependent
Harmonious passion vs obsessive passion
Three strategies for cultivating harmonious passion -
Establish mutual trust and become more attuned to what your partner feels and needs, Don’t lose yourself, Take up new and interesting activities together as a couple
Practice sharing with your partner important things about yourself that you never shared with them before - start small and get bigger
Barbara Frederickson top 10 positive emotions - joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and love
What is the purpose of positive emotions? broaden-and-build theory - they broaden our attention and increase our thought-action repertoire
Positive emotions helps us take in more and be creative at problem-solving
They help us get to know the world in new ways which helps us build enduring resources
Positive emotions help us feel closer
Love is made of the previous positive emotions occurring in the context of a close relationship
Prioritize positivity and work towards goals such as a bucket list
Act how you want to feel
The more we cultivate positive emotions, the more we pass them to our partners because of emotional contagion
Bryant and Veroff - lengthen and strengthen positive emotions through savoring
Not rushing
Time of low stress
Savor having your partner in your life and express to them how you feel about having them in your life
Minding is consciously attending to your partner to learn about them
Sharing your savoring is self-disclosure which brings closeness
Gottman - couples should nurture their fondness and admiration for each other by expressing to each other what they appreciate about each other
Flourishing couples do well at acknowledging, calling out, and savoring things that are going well in their relationship with each other
Couples who respond supportively to good news have healthier and better relationships
Gather in one place some mementos, music, pictures, cards, letters that remind you how special your partner is and how important your relationship is. Spend 15 minutes a week savoring
There are times in your relationship when you have setbacks and seem to forget everything you know
Working on character is a lifetime’s work and it’s also made harder because you are in a partnership with someone who is working on their own and has their own set of strengths to develop
Habits are like financial capital - they start working for you so you don’t have to keep exerting effort
Williams James rules for habit formation - start strong, no exceptions, always act, practice exercising the will
VIA strengths survey
Top 5 strengths for flourishing - love, hope, gratitude, curiosity, zest
Your top 5 can vary but are usually fairly stable
You can work on a strength so it becomes stronger
Brainstorm ways to use your signature strengths in new ways
It’s important to have conversations about how each other’s strengths can be used in your relationship
Robert Emmons - gratitude helps us feel happier and experience an upward spiral in positive emotions
Romance and Research workshops
Working on relationships requires sustained effort and habits but once we see the results we are motivated to keep going
Couples can work on their marriages by applying the science of positive psychology
Three key activities for flourishing: cultivating positive emotions in your daily life, developing a harmonious and healthy passion, seeking out and celebrating good times
Positive psychology = realizing opportunities vs fixing problems
Focuses on human strengths and potential and celebrates what’s best in life
Emphasizes goals, well-being, satisfaction, happiness, interpersonal skills, perseverance, talent, wisdom, and personal responsibility
Study concepts like passion, gratitude, savoring, and spirituality
Martin Seligman’s address to the APA in 1998
Fighting unhappiness is not the same thing as producing happiness - we feel both at the same time
Negativity bias so the positive is harder
Four areas are especially important in making relationships last - passion, positive emotions, savoring, character
Problems w soul mate paradigm - leaving it up to fate doesn’t motivate you to work on yourself, doesn’t allow you to change and grow when you have to be their perfect other half, makes you overly reliant on the other person instead of interdependent
Harmonious passion vs obsessive passion
Three strategies for cultivating harmonious passion -
Establish mutual trust and become more attuned to what your partner feels and needs, Don’t lose yourself, Take up new and interesting activities together as a couple
Practice sharing with your partner important things about yourself that you never shared with them before - start small and get bigger
Barbara Frederickson top 10 positive emotions - joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and love
What is the purpose of positive emotions? broaden-and-build theory - they broaden our attention and increase our thought-action repertoire
Positive emotions helps us take in more and be creative at problem-solving
They help us get to know the world in new ways which helps us build enduring resources
Positive emotions help us feel closer
Love is made of the previous positive emotions occurring in the context of a close relationship
Prioritize positivity and work towards goals such as a bucket list
Act how you want to feel
The more we cultivate positive emotions, the more we pass them to our partners because of emotional contagion
Bryant and Veroff - lengthen and strengthen positive emotions through savoring
Not rushing
Time of low stress
Savor having your partner in your life and express to them how you feel about having them in your life
Minding is consciously attending to your partner to learn about them
Sharing your savoring is self-disclosure which brings closeness
Gottman - couples should nurture their fondness and admiration for each other by expressing to each other what they appreciate about each other
Flourishing couples do well at acknowledging, calling out, and savoring things that are going well in their relationship with each other
Couples who respond supportively to good news have healthier and better relationships
Gather in one place some mementos, music, pictures, cards, letters that remind you how special your partner is and how important your relationship is. Spend 15 minutes a week savoring
There are times in your relationship when you have setbacks and seem to forget everything you know
Working on character is a lifetime’s work and it’s also made harder because you are in a partnership with someone who is working on their own and has their own set of strengths to develop
Habits are like financial capital - they start working for you so you don’t have to keep exerting effort
Williams James rules for habit formation - start strong, no exceptions, always act, practice exercising the will
VIA strengths survey
Top 5 strengths for flourishing - love, hope, gratitude, curiosity, zest
Your top 5 can vary but are usually fairly stable
You can work on a strength so it becomes stronger
Brainstorm ways to use your signature strengths in new ways
It’s important to have conversations about how each other’s strengths can be used in your relationship
Robert Emmons - gratitude helps us feel happier and experience an upward spiral in positive emotions
January 27, 2023
This book was amazing . It has you look at your relationship from the standpoint of Aristotle’s analysis of friendship. Like friendships , romantic relationships and marriages can occur on any of the 3 levels it discusses, and what Aristotle can teach us about building love that lasts. It also discusses positive psychology (it’s the foundation of this book ), where it originated from which I already knew and it’s from Univ of Pennsylvania psychology prof Martin Seligman , world reknowned in this area . Love love love this book. I give it 10/10. It hit all the marks. A+
Aristotle holds that love is the greatest external good . And he says we tend to love 3 different kind of things , those that are useful , those that are pleasurable , and those that are good.
1) the first type is between people who find each other useful . They may see they see their relationship an opportunity for profit, often focusing on financial came. They may, for example, decide to create a mutually beneficial business partnership , a kind of relationship may be very profitable Aristotle says, but he also points out problems that tend to arise with it.
2) the second type of friendship, Aristotle describes between two people who find a pleasurable to be with each other. This type of friendship is higher than the first ,Aristotle says , because friends who come together for profit, may not actually enjoy spending time with each other , where friends who come together for pleasure are often witty and do actually enjoy each other’s company . they may, for example, like to get together on the weekends and go out for a good time on the town . Aristotle notes that these friendships can be very pleasant, but he also observed at problems can arise in these kinds of relationships as well. And he goes on to explain (you can read the book as I don’t want to ruin it for you)
3) this brings us to the third type of friendship. This kind of friendship Aristotle says is based on the good. Two people are attracted to each other, because of the good they see in the other person . they value the other persons character, and want to help it continue to grow and develop and healthy directions . the good they see in the other person may also inspire them to want to become better themselves. This type of friendship , Aristotle argues , is not self oriented or instrumental . Each person is focused not on himself or herself, but on the other person. The partners love each other for who they are, and not for what they can get out of the relationship . Aristotle hold that this type of friendship will probably be much more enduring than the first two , sinxe it is likely to be brought to an end, only if one of the persons involved becomes corrupt and stops being good . Aristotle contends that friendship based on goodness is the truest kind, superior to the other two . additionally, he says , these kind of friendships, although they are not motivated by the quest for profit or pleasure , often do turn out to be useful and pleasurable , as well as good.
Also talks about strategies for cultivating harmonious passion . References Gottman - y’all know the guy who is expert on marriage and relationships. And other stuff in book. Anways you all should read the book! It’s fantastic 💯
Aristotle holds that love is the greatest external good . And he says we tend to love 3 different kind of things , those that are useful , those that are pleasurable , and those that are good.
1) the first type is between people who find each other useful . They may see they see their relationship an opportunity for profit, often focusing on financial came. They may, for example, decide to create a mutually beneficial business partnership , a kind of relationship may be very profitable Aristotle says, but he also points out problems that tend to arise with it.
2) the second type of friendship, Aristotle describes between two people who find a pleasurable to be with each other. This type of friendship is higher than the first ,Aristotle says , because friends who come together for profit, may not actually enjoy spending time with each other , where friends who come together for pleasure are often witty and do actually enjoy each other’s company . they may, for example, like to get together on the weekends and go out for a good time on the town . Aristotle notes that these friendships can be very pleasant, but he also observed at problems can arise in these kinds of relationships as well. And he goes on to explain (you can read the book as I don’t want to ruin it for you)
3) this brings us to the third type of friendship. This kind of friendship Aristotle says is based on the good. Two people are attracted to each other, because of the good they see in the other person . they value the other persons character, and want to help it continue to grow and develop and healthy directions . the good they see in the other person may also inspire them to want to become better themselves. This type of friendship , Aristotle argues , is not self oriented or instrumental . Each person is focused not on himself or herself, but on the other person. The partners love each other for who they are, and not for what they can get out of the relationship . Aristotle hold that this type of friendship will probably be much more enduring than the first two , sinxe it is likely to be brought to an end, only if one of the persons involved becomes corrupt and stops being good . Aristotle contends that friendship based on goodness is the truest kind, superior to the other two . additionally, he says , these kind of friendships, although they are not motivated by the quest for profit or pleasure , often do turn out to be useful and pleasurable , as well as good.
Also talks about strategies for cultivating harmonious passion . References Gottman - y’all know the guy who is expert on marriage and relationships. And other stuff in book. Anways you all should read the book! It’s fantastic 💯
April 2, 2021
“Amar es un verbo que implica acción” es una frase que acuñó la coautora de este libro que podría resumir muy bien mi propia experiencia y concepción de tan increíble emoción.
Nos han vendido una versión idealizada de las relaciones, sobre todo de las de pareja; repleta de estereotipos, de altas expectativas y de la búsqueda incansable del placer y la satisfacción de las propias necesidades.
Frecuentemente me encuentro con personas insatisfechas con sus parejas y relaciones en general, porque la realidad no siempre supera la expectativa idealizada que podemos tener en mente. Normalmente nadie nos enseña que una relación, como todo proyecto importante en la vida requiere trabajo y perseverancia para florecer.
Felices para siempre es el primer libro de psicología positiva aplicada a las relaciones escrito por un matrimonio de reconocidos psicólogos que nos proponen algunas ideas y nos brindan herramientas para aspirar a un amor aristotélico
“Los amantes aristotélicos entienden la importancia de conectarse con cosas que trascienden incluso su relación. Están unidos por un amor mutuo por el bien. Por eso responden tan intensamente a lo bueno que ven en el carácter de su pareja y por eso priorizan el cultivo del bien en sí mismos y en el otro”
Es un libro que reúne la ciencia y la posibilidad de aplicación que tanto me gusta en los libros de divulgación científica. No nos da una receta de cocina, por el contrario nos brinda una serie de ingredientes que podemos utilizar en la receta que decidamos preparar y nos dice que requeriremos intención y esfuerzo para hacer algo que valga la pena.
Pocas personas entienden que el fin último del matrimonio, de la amistad, de la hermandad es el florecimiento del otro y que en el camino podemos encontrar una enorme fuente de bienestar y crecimiento personal. Hoy en el día la ciencia nos demuestra con investigaciones empíricas que la calidad de nuestras relaciones es el indicador más importante para nuestro bienestar general.
Más que nunca es momento para mejorar nuestras competencias emocionales y de comunicación. Las personas que más amamos nos lo agradecerán.
Nos han vendido una versión idealizada de las relaciones, sobre todo de las de pareja; repleta de estereotipos, de altas expectativas y de la búsqueda incansable del placer y la satisfacción de las propias necesidades.
Frecuentemente me encuentro con personas insatisfechas con sus parejas y relaciones en general, porque la realidad no siempre supera la expectativa idealizada que podemos tener en mente. Normalmente nadie nos enseña que una relación, como todo proyecto importante en la vida requiere trabajo y perseverancia para florecer.
Felices para siempre es el primer libro de psicología positiva aplicada a las relaciones escrito por un matrimonio de reconocidos psicólogos que nos proponen algunas ideas y nos brindan herramientas para aspirar a un amor aristotélico
“Los amantes aristotélicos entienden la importancia de conectarse con cosas que trascienden incluso su relación. Están unidos por un amor mutuo por el bien. Por eso responden tan intensamente a lo bueno que ven en el carácter de su pareja y por eso priorizan el cultivo del bien en sí mismos y en el otro”
Es un libro que reúne la ciencia y la posibilidad de aplicación que tanto me gusta en los libros de divulgación científica. No nos da una receta de cocina, por el contrario nos brinda una serie de ingredientes que podemos utilizar en la receta que decidamos preparar y nos dice que requeriremos intención y esfuerzo para hacer algo que valga la pena.
Pocas personas entienden que el fin último del matrimonio, de la amistad, de la hermandad es el florecimiento del otro y que en el camino podemos encontrar una enorme fuente de bienestar y crecimiento personal. Hoy en el día la ciencia nos demuestra con investigaciones empíricas que la calidad de nuestras relaciones es el indicador más importante para nuestro bienestar general.
Más que nunca es momento para mejorar nuestras competencias emocionales y de comunicación. Las personas que más amamos nos lo agradecerán.
October 5, 2018
This one is more like a 3.5 stars for me -- couldn't quite give it 4, but 3 seems too low.
Written by two positive psychologists (who also happen to be a happily married couple), Happy Together is a (healthily) optimistic look at relationships, and an exploration of practical strategies for improving them.
I greatly enjoyed the attention given to the philosophical ideals of seeking the highest good (in the ethical/moral sense) in one’s self, one’s partner, and one’s relationship (more on that later). And while I assumed from certain statements that the authors have a faith-based marriage, I thought it was refreshing that they came at the issue of relationships in a more philosophical (and not specifically religious) way, so it would be approachable for a wider audience.
I felt they did a good job of providing studies and examples to prove their points, and I came away with a few new strategies. I did feel like the second half of the book didn’t quite have the same momentum and structure of the first half, but it was still an enjoyable and enlightening read.
I have quite a few takeaways to share from this one!
Written by two positive psychologists (who also happen to be a happily married couple), Happy Together is a (healthily) optimistic look at relationships, and an exploration of practical strategies for improving them.
I greatly enjoyed the attention given to the philosophical ideals of seeking the highest good (in the ethical/moral sense) in one’s self, one’s partner, and one’s relationship (more on that later). And while I assumed from certain statements that the authors have a faith-based marriage, I thought it was refreshing that they came at the issue of relationships in a more philosophical (and not specifically religious) way, so it would be approachable for a wider audience.
I felt they did a good job of providing studies and examples to prove their points, and I came away with a few new strategies. I did feel like the second half of the book didn’t quite have the same momentum and structure of the first half, but it was still an enjoyable and enlightening read.
I have quite a few takeaways to share from this one!
May 14, 2019
I do not know how to explain my mixed feelings about this book, which cannot be considered a Textbook, but it is too dense for a "light" self-help stay in your relationship happy forever. So as a Profi it was too light, as a married woman there were some good insights and tips but.... In the end I was happy that I read it, but it is hard to recommend it to somebody who is not already deep in positive psychology...
Non so come spiegarmi, ma ho dei sentimenti contrastanti nei riguardi di questo libro, che non puó essere considerato un testo di psicologia, ma nemmeno un manuale di auto-aiuto perché un po' troppo difficile. Quindi come professionista posso affermare che fosse un po' troppo sempliciotto e semplificato, ma come donna sposata mi metteva alla prova e richiedeva forse un certo tipo di conoscenze di psicologia positiva che non posso dire che siano pane quotidiano....
Non so come spiegarmi, ma ho dei sentimenti contrastanti nei riguardi di questo libro, che non puó essere considerato un testo di psicologia, ma nemmeno un manuale di auto-aiuto perché un po' troppo difficile. Quindi come professionista posso affermare che fosse un po' troppo sempliciotto e semplificato, ma come donna sposata mi metteva alla prova e richiedeva forse un certo tipo di conoscenze di psicologia positiva che non posso dire che siano pane quotidiano....
June 17, 2019
This definitely is a book best used by a couple but as a new student of Positive Psychology and a hopeful future marriage partner I still got a lot out of it. The book focuses on an aspect of positive psychology know as character skills and . I recently stumbled on this concept of the periodic table of character and this is the first of I'm guessing many books I will read on the subject. I liked that the book was written by a married couple who used aspects of their own relationship to illustrate aspects. The book has several exercises which i think would be really fun to do with a partner. I think it is a great book to give to a couple in a good place and wanting to build an even deeper connection or to give as part of a wedding gift when people are still so new and excited about learning about each other.
June 11, 2018
I went back and forth between four and five stars for this one. I ended up giving it four because I feel like a five star read should be no doubt about it. I really enjoyed this book though! The main focus is using a positive approach, or focusing on already existing strengths to strengthen a marriage. It also encouraged a focus on kindness and gratitude which could strengthen any relationship. Even if you have other issues or feel like positive psychology won't solve the problem - strengthening your strengths and focusing on kindness and gratitude won't hurt. In fact, we could all benefit from increasing our focus on positive areas in our relationships, so I recommend this book. I found several good points and ideas that I hope to include in my future career.
November 14, 2018
I listened to this audio book and followed along with the pdf. I think it would have been better to read this one. Overall the book offers some great advice about approaching and maintaining relationships. It offered some tangible exercises to work on improving your character and the way you communicate with others. I liked the way the book explained concepts and brought together different thoughts on life and love. By the end it got a little repetitive, but it is worth the read if you want to improve yourself and the relationships you have with others. While it focuses on romantic relationships, these skills and concepts can be applied to all relationships.
February 22, 2024
I really enjoyed this book as both as a way to think more broadly about the application of positive psychology to relationships as well as an adjunct to the practical application (along with principles from the Gottmans) of practical solutions to strengthening romantic relationships in particular. While (perhaps to their chagrin) I did NOT follow the book's advice to take each chapter step by step when I first read it, am planning to do so as I go back through it, and in am in particular excited to use the VIA strengths assessment, which I've completed independently to help my other half and I understand each others positive side even better.
May 5, 2019
A must read for any couple. How do you move from being threatened by each other to fostering each other's strengths to be as bright as the midsummer sun? How do you shift from desperately needing that one person to "complete you", to having all you already need so that you can help others to thrive and shine? This book is a fabulous primer. There are some sections that are a bit redundant and the book could be shorter, but seriously well worth your time, whether you are in a relationship or not!
April 25, 2023
This book is a useful distillation of positive psychology principles, which essentially focus on the idea that improvement comes by expanding and adopting positive practices and behaviors and thoughts rather than focusing on addressing negative ones. They discuss these principles specifically in the context of romantic partners. It mostly seems valuable in the way it summarizes other scholars' work in the area. There were some examples from their own relationship given. It was well written, but pretty dry.
December 27, 2018
A book that describes itself as a positive psychology guide to, more than fix problems, to strengthen and build into the goodness that already exists in a relationship. For that, this book is very good. However, i found most of it common sense, and if you’re a person with a decent emotional intelligence then you may find this book a bit repetitive and at times quite pedantic with all the references to Aristotle and what they think is the discovery of a lifetime: ‘Aristotelian love’.
June 11, 2023
Positive psychology applied to relationships with hands-on exercises. This is a very useful book to gain deeper understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship; framed within scientific research and philosophy, together with practical exercises- you need to do the exercises for all this… so, roll up your sleeves and do the work as any joyful relationship is based on consistent, diligent, and purposeful intention!
July 2, 2025
O resumo poderia ser "seja gente boa com e para seu parceiro(a)". Então os autores dão algumas orientações fundadas em pesquisas da Psicologia Positiva e tenta emplacar o termo "Aristotelian Lovers".
Não é um livro marcante. As anedotas de casal dos autores também são sem brilho. Mas no final, acho que consegui o que eu queria: a afirmação de que não é misterioso nem impraticável estar um relacionamento amoroso que dure.
Não é um livro marcante. As anedotas de casal dos autores também são sem brilho. Mas no final, acho que consegui o que eu queria: a afirmação de que não é misterioso nem impraticável estar um relacionamento amoroso que dure.
February 16, 2018
Extrapolation of positive psychology to relationships, with no evidence that this paradigm works as good as traditional couples counseling that use cognitive behavioral or problem solving approaches. Balance between historical background/research and practical advice leans more toward the former. Nevertheless, a good attempt to bring positive psychology to the realm of relationships.
December 11, 2020
There were some useful principles in here but I have to admit that we didn't manage to get through the book. Possibly will try it again at another time. Authors were a little bit overly full of themselves and too self-referential and back-patting in places, which probably is fine for most people but is a pet peeve that grates on me.
June 19, 2019
A good book on how to build strong relationships by building positive emotions. This book is confined to romantic relationships, but follows closely on positive parenting and can be used to build strong relationships across the relationship spectrum.
July 23, 2020
Boring...
Disappointing. Boring. Ideal for warm relationships that start after 40 years old. It looks more like a biography of the love relationship of the authors who only promote their professional activity.
Disappointing. Boring. Ideal for warm relationships that start after 40 years old. It looks more like a biography of the love relationship of the authors who only promote their professional activity.
December 20, 2022
Tbh it had nothing extraordinary. Just same common sense. That if you want a successful relationship you need to work for it, just like you'd study to become an excellent chef or mechanic, you need to do the same to become a great spouse.
April 19, 2018
Pretty fun read as my first intro to positive psychology. The book is filled with exercises that help you reframe issues with positive mood boosters, rather than focusing on problems.
January 4, 2019
Awesome book. Now I need someone to practice with!
January 15, 2019
Good information, but somewhat of a thinly veiled textbook, clearly written by academics. Better skimmed than read.
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