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288 pages, Paperback
Published February 14, 2017
There’s a show on air right now called Munkir. It’s about how a terrorist falls in love with a girl because terrorists falling in love with girls in or near Murree is all the rage today, ya know? Which one of the two copied the other, we’ll never know. Maybe, they didn’t. Who cares? So I started watching the show and immediately realized that this wasn’t stellar TV material. The show was making me flinch. This book made me shudder. It had all the things wrong with Munkir multiplied in intensity and sheer stupidity by a hundred percent. Apart from boosting confidence in my writing skills, the bloody book also gave me a new perspective. Now I can sincerely enjoy Munkir.
FULL, UNMARKED AND DEATILED “SPOILERS” AHEAD. Read ahead for your own well-being.
Let me list them out for ya:
-A girl and a boy going on a trip with their best friends to a place of epic beauty when one bus breaks down.
-The girl falling in some peril, being saved by the boy, both of them being separated from their respective groups.
-Finding a nice sweet family to stay with. A family who, incidentally, is about to have a wedding.
-The girl and the boy pretending to be married and thus spending nights in the same room.
(Now where have I heard that one before? )
-The girl breaking her toes, fingers or other breakable body parts every chance she gets and then being promptly carried to ‘their’ room where the boy applies ointments to her wounds and wipes her tears.
-The incredible and irresistible dupatta-smacking scene where the heroine is sauntering right past the hero, like an inch from his face and then a powerful gust of convenient wind makes her light as shit dupatta (even though it’s winter) tickle the hero’s face while he stands there mesmerized.
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.
-the dupatta being stuck in hero’s shirt buttons/cuffs/nose hair scene. The fucking piece of cloth just won’t come free until they’ve seen deep into each other’s retarded souls.
-the girl and boy visiting a mazaar/darbaar/dargah for dua. Because you just can’t do that ANYwhere else, theek hai?
-the girl grabbing the hero’s hand and not letting it go while she’s FUCKING ASLEEP.
-both of them having precognitive dreams
-the zaalim samaaj stopping the two lovers hornies who can’t wait to do it from getting their happily horningly ever after.
-the zaalim samaaj changing its mind as soon as convenience would allow.
-things like these:
“The sky had turned purple, and the air had turned chillier. I wrapped a shawl around my shoulders. Noticing my uneasiness, he instantly took of his leather jacket and put it around me.”
Behold the melodrama:
Exhibit B:
“My head exploded with this revelation. Who was this person? Why had he saved my life?”
Oh, JEE, our bad. He should have just let you die.
I might have mentioned that there is no plot. They stay in Swat for 11 days and all the two of them are seen doing is taking showers, blushing and taking food trays to each other. What planet do they live on? If someone wants to have a shower daily in freezing winter, that is their prerogative but a)it’s winter. NO ONE showers daily in winter. Especially people who live up north. b)neither Sarmad nor Mehar are doing manual labor in the book but damn it all to hell because you know what that incessant showering did? It gave both of them ample opportunity to examine each other’s bodies. So Mehar is all like, hmmm, his sculpted muscles and Sarmad is all, aaaaah, her beauty!!!!!!
I have criticized a lot of books before owing to the fact that the narration didn’t click for one reason or another. But I never had to say that the writer didn’t know the language he/she was writing in. That NEVER happened. Dear Sara Naveed, you and English can’t be together, at least not yet. Please break up and try dating Urdu. You might have a healthier, saner, PRODUCTIVE relationship. You just straight-up embarrassed yourself here and it caused me SO.MUCH.PAIN. You have probably heard the saying, Kawa challa hans ki chaal aur apni chaal bhi bhool gaya. It applies here.
“I had to take a piss. I really had to do it. Controlling it as best as I could, I went to the bathroom. I turned on the light. The light blinded me for a second. I sat down on the smooth, white surface of the toilet and relieved myself. It felt good. I washed my hands. I dried them on a towel and came out of the bathroom. I said to myself, “Wow, I just took a pee.”
“I felt a jolt of embarrassment. All my excitement vanished. I couldn’t believe that I had just been so close to him. I had touched his body against my will. I had never felt this way before. I had never come close to a stranger. I stood beside Bari Aapa, feeling embarrassed. Within a few seconds, he also joined me. For obvious reasons, I loathed his presence and wanted to run away from him.”
“After waking up, the first thing I thought about was Sarmad. I missed him. I missed him badly. There was nothing that could make me deny how badly my heart ached for him. Dressed in plain, cream-coloured Khaddar salwar kameez and maroon woolen *shawl, I walked downstairs. I could see Abba sitting in the study room. He sat on his rocking chair, with a newspaper in his hand. I walked towards him and slowly sat on the ground, close to his feet. He immediately saw me and folded his newspaper.”
Here’s another one:
Oh I’m sorry, were you expecting to read those “minute details” as Mehar described them? I apologize but she stopped right there.
An exploration of surroundings is an essential thing in books. It’s almost attacked by the authors so vehemently in books that I start begging them to stop. Have you read Carve the Mark by Veronica Roth? For all its faults, the book has an encyclopedia worth of descriptions of the places the characters go to, the things they see and they were all fictional. Alright, to hell with exploring the surroundings, it just shows that you did your research, you put an effort. RIP, hard work.
“She can’t even lie properly. When the truth is transparent in her eyes, why does she have to lie? She’s growing dependent on me, and I can’t take it. She won’t even eat with me now. Damn. I fucking hate this!
Excuse me, move away, baby Sarmad is throwing a tantrum. Some people just don’t stop being pubescent.
“Baaji, there’s no use saving a soul that has already departed from this world.”
LOL. To the people who didn’t get this, imagine if Rhysand said his blown-out-of-proportion famous quote like this, “Yo, hommie, to the stars that listen and the dreams that are answered, dawwwwg!”
1/3: INCESSANT USE OF ADVERBS This is all in a single page; “munched slowly”, “shrugged nonchalantly”, “announced animatedly”, “replied casually”.
b)This truly is the mark of a terrible writer:
“…nodded my head” (So sorry, but are there other body parts you can nod? Your butt perhaps?)
“…cheeks blushing” (Blushing nose. Blushing forehead. Blushing feet. Blushing ass…Nope)
“…blurted abruptly” (dictionary.com: Blurt definition, to utter suddenly or inadvertently; divulge impulsively or unadvisedly)
“…flushed AND felt embarrassed”
“Her question startled me. I looked back at her perplexed.” (I REST MY FUCKING CASE)
THE CHARACTERS
Sarmad is obnoxious and melodramatic ALL THE TIME; I’m a monster, I deserve to die, what is she doing to me and blah-bedi-blah-blah. He has exactly two moods: insufferably brooding and slightly less insufferably brooding.
Mehar, oh my beard, this girl gave a whole new meaning to the word ’meesni’. At the beginning our little miss obedient was really caring and considerate of her family’s sentiments, didn’t want to hurt her parents but as soon as she met Sarmad and glimpsed his well-toned stomach after he repeatedly took showers and appeared half-naked in front of her, HELLO SHINY BOLD PERSONALITY. Don’t get me wrong, she didn’t shed her old personality, just adopted another one. Which is also known as multiple personality disorder. She just could not make up her mind.
Some time later…
Consider the next part of this quote:
“With him I’d experienced emotions that were still unknown to me. With him I’d *rediscovered myself and felt *freedom like never before. I had felt *independent. I had felt free. I was no longer the girl who would seek help or guidance for doing anything. I had become such a *stronger person now.”
*yes, you discovered that you had a mental disorder.
*you certainly made use of that newly found freedom.
*fell down every chance you got with him right there to catch you. He bossed you around and you liked it. Followed him like a puppy.
*HA.
1-That’s a really good one. This is the revolting scene I was talking about. I’ll remind you that Mehar the Nut contemplated on ethics and moral values AFTER this. When I read that scene I had to pause for a couple of minutes and stare at the walls. After my eyes had stopped bleeding I tried every iteration of WHAT-THE-HECK I could think of. Feast your eyes:
"‘It’s okay if you don’t want to share anything with me. But I don’t know why I don’t feel awkward sharing everything with you,’ she said, looking into my eyes."(That's there day 2 of being together)
"I sat still on the bed, tears rolling down my cheeks. I started weeping. I’d never missed him so much till now. It was like a part of me had gone missing."(Day 4 or 5 of being together)
"My heart lunged in my chest as I realized that I had been separated from him forever. I would never see his beautiful face, never look into his deep eyes and never touch his skin again."(That's when they separate after 11 days. You see? No personality , just eyes, face and body description?)*OMG how will they live now cries*
"The entire night, with our minds, with our hearts and with our bodies, we made lust. Pure lust."
"The entire night, with our minds, with our hearts and with our bodies, we made love. Pure love."
Why was I crying? What made those tears flow out? Why did I have feelings for a person who did not belong to me?"
"No face had caught my attention the way this girl’s did. I had never felt attracted to any woman in my life before. Her aura was bewitching. There were old memories attached to her presence. It felt as if I had some strong connection with her. A lost bond."
"As soon as her fresh scent hit my nostrils, I felt mesmerized. She let out a silent gasp when my shoulder touched hers"
"Every single feature of her face took my breath away. I surely hadn’t seen a more beautiful living creature than her. I stared at her face for a few more minutes."
"She nodded as she stared at me. I took her dupatta in my hands and began to unfold it. She watched me with amazement. I spread out the dupatta and put it across her head, covering her hair. ‘It looks good here,’ I whispered, observing her(You see?How much hypocrite he is?)