Touch Me, I'm Sick: The 52 Creepiest Love Songs You've Ever Heard

by Tom Reynolds

Have you ever asked yourself, is all good music depressing or unflinchingly honest (that is, depressing)? Have you ever actively pursued music that you know will lower your mood? And if listening didn’t satisfy your masochism, ever wanted to read a book about depressing music?

Exactly what kind of sentiment, for example, crosses the fine line between romantic and slightly crazed; at what stage is it appropriate to start gushing lines from a smitten Shakespeare sonnet to a partner? Tom Reynolds addresses this more challenging question in TOUCH ME, I'M SICK: THE 52 CREEPIEST SONGS YOU'VE EVER HEARD
TOUCH ME, I'M SICK: THE 52 CREEPIEST LOVE SONGS YOU'VE EVER HEARD begs you not to take it seriously, and is just too exuberant and light-hearted not to be enjoyed. Besides, as is the glory of the mixtape, it’s a great way to discover new music.

Genres: Music, Nonfiction, Humor, Pop Culture, Comedy, Essays

272 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 1, 2008

About the author

"There are many great humour writers alive now. If essays in particular and a savage outlook are your thing, here’s the best. Read the collected Merrill Markoe, Jon Ronson, Mark Steel, Cintra Wilson, Dave Barry, Craig Brown, John Crace, Tim Dowling, Guy Browning, Patricia Marx, Will Ferguson, Bill Bryson, TOM REYNOLDS, Paul Rudnick, Ian Frazier, John O’Farrell, Armando Iannucci and Nicholas Lezard....Tom Reynolds’ I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE is a painful analysis of the American pop ballad, a comedy classic."
- Toronto Star columnist Heather Mallick in THE GUARDIAN, June 25, 2013

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: "Ten Things We Love This Week"
3. I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE, by Tom Reynolds
"This roundup of 52 of the most maudlin songs ever penned, from Manilow to Metallica, will move you to tears of despair — or shrieks of helpless laughter."

DANNY HUTTON, co-founder-THREE DOG NIGHT: "A cunning, devastating autopsy . . . I found myself strangely attracted."

SEB HUNTER, author, HELL BENT FOR LEATHER and ROCK ME, AMADEUS: "Here is incontrovertible proof that pop stars are all healthy, well-adjusted individuals. I laughed and self-harmed in equal measure."

PLAYBOY: "There must be a section of Tom Reynolds's record collection that wards off disc jockeys like a cross repels vampires. The writer/TV producer's steep descent into depressing pop music, I Hate Myself and Want to Die is a humorous song-by-song analysis of the most egregious examples of audio torture. Its title may sound like a hackneyed VH1 special, but Reynolds steps above pointless banter by demonstrating some serious scholarship."

ANNE STEPHENSON, THE REPUBLIC: "To write a book like this, you need a working knowledge of music recorded over the past 70 years and an astute and merciless sense of humor. Tom Reynolds is our man.".

ROB LESTER, EDGE MAGAZINE: "What makes this book so worthwhile and more than just cathartic (oh, it is that!) is the humor. Reynolds’ language is colorful and clever and his greatest skills are sarcasm and funny, funny exaggeration for effect... Smug? Absolutely. But it’s mostly a hoot."

PUCKNATION: "I Hate Myself and Want to Die is one of the most brilliant looks at music and popular culture I've read in a long time. This collection of essays rips through music with ludicrous comments, humor and sarcasm. Reynolds’ knack for timing and wit allows him to tear seemlessly through these songs, with great results....An instant classic and perfect bathroom reading."

PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY: "Thoughtful and vivid. . . . This should start many debates among pop music die-hards."

NEW MUSIC EXPRESS (NME): "Full of premium trivia and pinpoint pomposity pricking, Reynolds has made comedy gold from the full base metal of misery."

WHAT'S ON IN LONDON: "A sustained and superbly observed insight into some of rock music's most memorable follies, it is an absolute must-read. Brilliant."

UNCUT Magazine: "Tom Reynolds, an American TV producer who manages to combine the wit of Dave Barry with the musical tastes of a bath towel, takes a simple concept and pulls great big inappropriate belly laughs from it....Genius."

ROCKNWORLD: "Don'tcha just love discovering a book that is too funny to be read in public, that makes eating or drinking while reading it a sure way to choke & die? What makes the subject matter of this book even better is its importance & truth.....His treatments of Evanescence's entry on the list & Metallica are so funny that I wish I could quote the entire chapters here."

UNDER THE RADAR: "Reynold's casual, comedic prose suits the subject well, conjuring up more than a few laugh-out-loud moments."

FEATURED ARTICLES/REVIEWS
Esquire; Newsday; Rolling Stone (Germany); New Music Express; Macleans (Canada); Los Angeles Times; Boston Herald; Austin Chronicle; Minneapolis Star Tribune; Arizona Republic; BBC News, RTE 1, Guardian UK, The Independent, Vogue, Sunday Mail (AU). Under the Radar Magazine; Paperc

Reviews

[Goth Gone Grey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent send up of creepy love songs

We need to first acknowledge that everyone has their own version of creepy love songs. For me, this book is missing an entire section: I've Been Watching You Grow Up, Now You're Old Enough To Bone. See also, many '50's and 60's love songs. (Shudder.)

I enjoyed the author's first book on depressing songs and wanted to give this one a go as well. It surprised me with some song meanings (Alive, really?) but I wasn't familiar enough with some of the others to know them. Due to them being creepy love songs, I didn't want to look them up either.

While it was an amusing way to pass time, I'm happy it was a Kindle Unlimited selection, thus free.

The author excels in verbally skewering bad music, but goes overboard here in trying to do so in poems, letters, and a poorly executed lesbian love scene.

[Alex Bledsoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved Reynolds' book skewering depressing pop songs ("I Hate Myself and I Want to Die"), and this collection is just as funny. He doesn't actually hate everything he covers--he likes the band Angels F*ck, and the German metal group Rammstein, among others--but he pokes holes in the hubris and pretension of so many deserving targets, with a pen (or rather, a cursor) dipped in acid. His "dear diary" chapter on "Fergalicious" is just one highlight. It's a great, funny book that says things we all feel, but says them in a far funnier way than we would.

[AquaMoon · Rating 5 out of 5]

HAHA! This was even better than Reynold's last offering.

Upon opening this book at random, the first phrase my eyes fell on was, and I quote, "makes Black Sabbath sound like John Denver" (Now that's seriously creepy! Come to think of it, John Denver in general is seriously creepy...and not just because of the Final Destination movie thing which, by the way, was totally lame). That and how much I enjoyed Reynold's "I Hate Myself and Want to Die" got me interested enough to keep on reading.

In this book, much as the title suggests, Reynolds analyzes and gives some well-deserved and creatively-worded disses to lyrical offerings by everyone from Fergie to Michael Jackson. That a tune by the self-dubbed Prince of Pop made the list was a given...but, SHOCK & GASP!, Reynolds even dared rip on The allmighty Beatles or, more specifically, Sir Paul McCartney (Not that I'm being critical here. The song he chose, "Run for Your Life," is most definitely creepy enough to earn the lyricist a free hug-me jacket. All I'm saying is Reynolds has guts to say what he said as I hear Sir Paul has quite the hot temper). Some other hilarious song reviews include those for Alanis Morisette's "You Oughta Know," Radiohead's "Creep," and what Creepy Song List would be complete without The Poliece's "Every Breath You Take" (a.k.a. The Stalker's Anthem).

Sure, in reading this you'll find yourself saying: "Hey! I like that song!", but Reynold's delivery is so creative you can't help but laugh at that same song. Besides, Renolds isn't telling you it's a bad song, he's not saying you can't like it...he's just saying it's creepy. And it is.

[Mike (the Paladin) · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book should have been funnier than it was. The idea struck me as good and I'd seen a good review of the book, so I sent for it from the public library... and am glad I didn't buy it. While it's not awful, neither is it the kind of book I'd be going back to over and over for the laughs.

There are a few entries that are rewarding, mostly due to the writer's humerus turn of phrase. But there are also a few songs in the book that are pretty obviously in the book for a reason. Others the author had to strain a little to get the double entendres needed to make the song seem creepy.

Well, try the book for yourself if the synopsis seems to be something that you think appeals to you. For me...not so much. Again, not bad, not great. 3 stars.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

After reading this book you will never listen to “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” or “Every Breath You Take” in quite the same way. I hooted, howled and giggled uncontrollably at the author’s snarky and irreverent song descriptions. His first book, I Hate Myself and Want to Die: 52 of the Most Depressing Songs You’ve Ever Heard, was also hysterically funny.

[Mme Forte · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am so glad I'm not the only person who finds the idea of muskrat canoodling repugnant. This was hilarious.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the second book of Mr. Reynolds in which he skewers both popular and obscure music.The first book focused on depressing songs. This one goes after the standard favorite- the love song.
Mr. Reynolds is an engaging writer,knows how to put a book together well and at times can be laugh out loud funny.
The problem is he can be equally offensive too.I'm pretty sure he is well aware of this. Both books have had things about God/religion in them that I personally found offensive.So offensive that it greatly impacted my enjoyment of both books.
Maybe someone who doesn't believe or isn't as devoted to their beliefs wouldn't have been bothered, but I certainly was.

The other thing that really annoyed me about this book was he singled out a Motley Crue song for condemnation and not only trashed the Crue, and several other popular bands of the same genre, but the whole genre of"hair metal, glam rock, ect" going on and on how every band in it and every song they every put out sucked, how they were all terrible musicians blah, blah, blah...
As someone who has been a huge fan of the genre for many years and remains so today,that really didn't make me happy.
I suppose thats because I get so tired of seeing it trashed.
If you have given the genre a wide reaching and fair hearing and decide it truly sucks, then ok. Thats your prerogative.However, it seems that many people who trash it today do so because after 1993, when hair metal fell out of fashion because of the rise of grunge, it became very acceptable and trendy to do so.
I don't know if that is where Mr. Reynolds was coming from in his criticism or not, but I found it annoying , regardless.
However, if you are someone who has more than a passing interest in music , likes to read about it and isn't bothered by the two issues I highlighted above, you'll probably really enjoy this book.

[Neil · Rating 4 out of 5]

The more I get into blogging and nonfiction writing, the more I realize some of the inherent difficulties. Particularly, when you're writing short pieces that cover similar ground, it's very hard to stay original. That's why I have to admire this little book.

Reynolds takes 52 love songs, introduces them in a funny way, analyzes their content, and then makes a case for why they are creepy. What impressed me is that first, he's wickedly funny, and second, he manages to be funny in many different ways. He creates fake journals from the singers; he imagines real life relationships that try to use the ridiculous words from the songs; he analyzes the artist's libido; he riffs on their idiosyncracies; he makes fun of crazy fansor sometimes he just plain beats them up with the evidence of their own ineptness.

It's a little crass, and it's only entertaining when you know the song in question, but there's nothing wrong with having some browsable books around. He beats up on a few songs you probably love (and admits that he likes a few of these himself), but that's part of the fun:

I kind of like the tinny quality of the vocals on Animotion's Obsession and admit that Starland Vocal Band's Afternoon Delight is both an awful song and a guilty pleasure for me. I'm a fan of Sinead O' Connor and Joan Osborne. I join him in bashing James Blunt, Air Supply. I'm not sure that anything more can be said about the sublime awfulness of Muskrat Love or She's Having My Baby, about the strange rise and fall of Jennifer Lopez or the mediocrity of K-Fed, but Reynolds gives it all a good try. If you like music, particularly if you have fun analyzing music that is both catchy and bad at the same time, you'll have a lot of fun reading this.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you're anything like me, you'll have spent many a drunken hour debating the best/worst, most depressing/uplifting, or sexiest/creepiest songs you've heard. So a book on the creepiest love songs is right up my alley.

Encompassing both the intentionally and unintentionally creepy, this consists of both some excellent and some truly shit songs (my opinion on which these are differs at times to the author, who gets a glove-slap for making disparaging remarks about Eddie Vedder and Nick Cave, my imaginary boyfriend, while also mistakenly believing that Top of the Pops, on which Cave performed, is Australian. The flaming galah.)

I mostly approved of the selection although I'd swap a few choices which were wasted, as far as I'm concerned. The only creepy thing about James Blunt's Your Beautiful is Blunt himself (and the fact that so many people bought it) and Ashlee Simpson's Pieces of Me is only creepy when you wilfully misinterpret the title, as Reynolds does.

Other than those few minor niggles, this is still a great toilet read for fans of music and lists - though not if you're the type of person who thinks Every Breath You Take is appropriate for your first dance at your wedding.

[Hannah · Rating 2 out of 5]

This felt oddly mean-spirited.

[Vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't like this one nearly as much as "I Hate Myself and Want to Die." The concept was stretched a little too far. I would have preferred a greater number of the songs to be primarily either unintentionally creepy or songs that are deceptively happy sounding. It might just be because he mentioned so many times that he had a hard time finding songs to put on the list, but I kept thinking that he might have been better off with a different topic.

I still finished it in just two sittings, and I had a great time listening to the songs as I read the book. The first night, I read until past one o'clock in the morning. I finally forced myself to stop with "You Outta Know," because I didn't think another song would top it. I'm not sure if it's creepy that I've returned to my "Touch Me, I'm Sick" playlist a few times.

I'm kind of tempted to look Tom Reynolds up to start my campaign for "The 52 Most Insulting Love Songs You've Ever Heard."

[Trin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reynolds skewers “The 52 Creepiest Love Songs You’ve Ever Heard.” Well, sometimes he skewers; often he just analyzes them. The book is funny, but nowhere near as funny as Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs, which is the super-high standard I have to hold books like this against. I also wish Reynolds had focused less on songs that are intentionally creepy, like “Every Breath You Take” and “Possession,” and more on songs that are creepy because of some other factor, like the creator's secret psychosis. (You know what I mean: what about The Flamingos' version of “I Only Have Eyes For You” or Johnny Mathis’ “Wonderful! Wonderful!” or “Welcome Home” by Peters & Lee?) Still, it’s a pretty enjoyable book, and yes, there is something DEEPLY wrong about “Your Body Is a Wonderland”!

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

My current creepiest love song has got to be Steve Carlsson's 'Pinata Nova' where he sings "I don't know why, I'm always trying to get inside of you". Hmm, maybe because you're a man Steve and your brains are in your trousers. And likening his woman to a pinata, which from my understanding of American culture is something you hang up and beat with a big stick until it's innards burst out, doesn't seem that romantic. Reynolds takes 52 various love songs in a similar vein and discusses what makes them creepy. I found this funnier than 'I Hate Myself and I Want to Die' but that's probably because I know more of the songs. If you've got a couple of hours to kill there are worse ways to do so than by reading this book.

[Sherri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this on a whim, I thought of the Gavin Edwards misheard lyrics books when I first saw this on the shelf at the library. It is more complex than the Edwards books, which just list the original lyric and the misheard versions below. Reynolds breaks down the songs into chords, time signatures and then the lyrics, where the meat of his snarkiness lies. Songs are broken down into categories and some choices are obvious such as "You're Beautiful" and "I've Never Been to Me." A few are surprising but probably shouldn't be, such as "Run for Your Life" and "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," which may be the creepiest of all.

[Catty · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book I never get tired of - in turns funny, intelligent and occasionally heartbreaking, this list of 52 of the creepiest songs ever made has something for everybody. Crazy songs ranging in genres from country to death metal? Check. Scary sounding foreign songs about even scarier subjects? Check. Taking the p-ss out of some of the world's most famous artists? Check. Dialogue that simultaneously makes you want to pee your pants laughing AND go out and You Tube Every.Single.One of these songs Right.Now? Check, check and check! All this and "Every Breath You Take" too...which trust me, is only the tip of the iceberg in creepy songs. Enjoy!!

[Sara Schraeder · Rating 2 out of 5]

I cannot BELIEVE he left out the creepiest song of all time: Into the Night by Benny Mardones:
"She's just sixteen years old
Leave her alone, they say....
But I want you to know
If I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen - ever seen"
And it's about his neighbor's daughter!! He's the creepy 30 year old who lives downstairs and stares at this poor girl. This is the ickiest looking man ever, all sweaty and greasy. This song is so disgusting, I want to boil my ears when I hear it.

[Theresa F. · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I thoroughly enjoyed the author's book of most depressing songs, this follow-up volume of creepiest love songs was more of an acquired taste. I think it was a combination of the first book raising my expectations too high and of some of the novelty of the author's unique brand of humor wearing off.
Did I like it? Eventually.
Would I reread it? I've skimmed through it more than once.
Would I recommend it? Maybe.

[Kayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely loved this one as well,just like the other by Tom it is true to cover name and creepy cool all the same. And I am in it but different name but still really nice as I was going through rough times back then,was happy to help,seems like only a short time ago actually but years ago,read both a few times. If you haven't read this book of creepy love songs you should give it a go if you like books like this,I do.

:) Kayla

[Crystal · Rating 3 out of 5]

26 June 08
A very entertaining read, but not nearly as funny as 'I Hate Myself' was.

------
This promises to be as entertaining as the first one we read...

I'm guessing 'Every Breath You Take' is in here; no doubt its high on my top 10 list of creepo songs. Can someone explain to me why this cheerless dirge about obsessive stalking is a staple at wedding receptions??

[Nic · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was actually a pretty funny book. I want to read his first book, the most depressing love songs, too, now. Some of the songs/analyses were just okay, but some (like the Perfect Storms section, including Whiskey Lullaby) were totally laugh out loud hilarious. It's a good book just for skimming through and he does a good job of finding songs from all eras and genres.

[Charli · Rating 3 out of 5]

The humor was still there, and I laughed at several of the entries, but it just wasn't as good as I Hate Myself and Want to Die: the 52 Most Depressing Songs You've Ever Heard. Maybe it's just because I wasn't as familiar with as many of the songs in this one as I was the first, or maybe it's just tired....

[Kent Brindley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Regrettably, I know most of the culprits listed here (Ironically enough, I still do listen to most of the songs here, though I've always found their lyrics problematic). Tom Reynolds' observations are humorous and spot-on ( For a good laugh, see his personal anecdote surrounding "Afternoon Delight" by The Starland Vocal Band. ).

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a quick and funny read. For the most part I knew almost all the songs in the book (which was nice); many of them will now be viewed slightly different. All in all, this book was great for a quick laugh.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, and Reynold's selection of songs was generally agreeable and funny. Though I'm sure he picked some songs just as an excuse to tell us how much he disliked them, which I'm sure I would also be guilty of if I ever wrote a book of similar genre.

Great Book.

[Joanne Hall · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as rolling-on-the-floor hilarious as the previous "I Hate Myself and Want to Die", but still raises a giggle. Reynolds is clearly a man who knows his music, and isn't afraid to take a hit for the team when it comes to listening to some truly awful tunes.

[Valeria · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting and fairly amusing book on the creepiest love songs ever sung. Pity that half of them are totally unknown to me.

[Breeann Kirby · Rating 3 out of 5]

better than the first one. he finally took his pretensions off and actually had fun with this. Some were gimmicky but on the whole awesome.

[Lola · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a highly entertaining read. I really enjoyed Reynolds sense of humor. My absolute favorite section was on Pride and Joy by Coverdale-Page. I laughed my way through the entire chapter.

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting look at some fairly disturbing songs. Would have been nice to have the lyrics of more songs present.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny and interesting - you'll want to hear some of these on iTunes, even if you don't want to own them.