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Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees
Almost every woman has experienced bullying. Whether her role was that of victim, aggressor, or bystander, the pain of relational aggression (female bullying) lasts long after the incident has passed. In Mean Girls Grown Up , Cheryl Dellasega explores why women are often their own worst enemies, offering practical advice for a variety of situations. Drawing upon extensive research and interviews, she shares real-life stories from women as well as the knowledge of experts who have helped women overcome the negative effects of aggression. Readers will hear how adult women can be just as vicious as their younger counterparts, learn strategies for dealing with adult bullies, how to avoid being involved in relational aggression, and more. Dellasega outlines how women can change their behavior successfully by shifting away from aggression and embracing a spirit of cooperation in interactions with others.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published August 1, 2005
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews
December 26, 2016
I do understand those who have a problem with this book, mainly because it offers no practical solutions to the basic problem. So, if you expected that from it, then nope, not going to happen.
To anyone seeking to understand baffling female behaviour it is a brilliant first step! Let me preface this with that I seem to have grown up in a bubble, a totally different culture as well.
There was no bullying or hazing at my schools, we either played with each other, or we didn't. There were no "popular" cliques, no "in girls", no "queen bees". Mean children were avoided, by all, and scorned in general as being disruptive. There were not many of them around; usually the dislike, if there was any, was directed at demanding or unfair teachers. The friends we socialised with outside school, in the afternoons and during weekends and holidays, the kids living close by or who we met regularly at non-school pasttimes, they all were far more important than anyone at school.
Then, I already used to play at least as much with boys as with girls throughout my school time, if not more so. I was with two consecutive "gangs" of outdoorsy children, mainly boys, between 5 and 12, and later joined a rock band, again all male, and it all was smooth waters. I never had a problem in mainly male groups, whether as a kid, or as an adult.
So, I have never been subjected to "queen bee"-behaviour prior to my now adult self, not once during my formative years. Not until rather recently, and when it happened or rather happens, I am completely, thoroughly baffled. As I can't relate to this behaviour, don't understand it at all, I fail to respond in the proper manner, which apparently might solve the situation in a way. I'm obviously not even able to appease the queen bees, or show them I react to them in a manner understandable to them.
Instead I tend to shrug and move on, or entirely disregard their shenanigans as ridiculous and illogical, which seems to just fan the flames when it comes from a woman instead of a man. I unfortunately also am unable to head this off before it begins, because I so far can't recognise what they are doing when they are doing it. As a result I've had but extremely few female friends as an adult, and in general prefer men for the sort of interaction other women seem to seek from women. My being genderqueer just adds to the puzzle, especially online where people aren't aware of that.
I read this book to understand the problem per se, to have a peek at how these women have grown up, and why they now behave in this manner. To this end the book is perfect.
If you want to find out what to do against such behaviour, you probably need to look elsewhere.
Personally I doubt there is any solution. I also don't see much sense in fitting myself into a behaviour pattern which I actually consider to be completely unnecessary. If that means that I have more male-oriented than female-oriented relationships, then this is fine by me. I don't think it is even possible to sort of emulate such behaviour if one hasn't grown up with it, or considers it utterly ridiculous and despicable. My experience is that this opinion shines through regardless of any attempt at masking it.
I don't think this book is in any way "unfeministic", as some readers have put it. Feminism, to me, doesn't mean I have to side with women never mind the cost. It means that men and women are equal. And if I dislike a cultural behaviour of women, then I am free to do so. Women don't get a free pass just because they are female. I also have begun to understand why men in these cultures where such behaviour is most prevalent are quite leery of women. I am so as well when confronted with this behaviour.
Recommended book.
To anyone seeking to understand baffling female behaviour it is a brilliant first step! Let me preface this with that I seem to have grown up in a bubble, a totally different culture as well.
There was no bullying or hazing at my schools, we either played with each other, or we didn't. There were no "popular" cliques, no "in girls", no "queen bees". Mean children were avoided, by all, and scorned in general as being disruptive. There were not many of them around; usually the dislike, if there was any, was directed at demanding or unfair teachers. The friends we socialised with outside school, in the afternoons and during weekends and holidays, the kids living close by or who we met regularly at non-school pasttimes, they all were far more important than anyone at school.
Then, I already used to play at least as much with boys as with girls throughout my school time, if not more so. I was with two consecutive "gangs" of outdoorsy children, mainly boys, between 5 and 12, and later joined a rock band, again all male, and it all was smooth waters. I never had a problem in mainly male groups, whether as a kid, or as an adult.
So, I have never been subjected to "queen bee"-behaviour prior to my now adult self, not once during my formative years. Not until rather recently, and when it happened or rather happens, I am completely, thoroughly baffled. As I can't relate to this behaviour, don't understand it at all, I fail to respond in the proper manner, which apparently might solve the situation in a way. I'm obviously not even able to appease the queen bees, or show them I react to them in a manner understandable to them.
Instead I tend to shrug and move on, or entirely disregard their shenanigans as ridiculous and illogical, which seems to just fan the flames when it comes from a woman instead of a man. I unfortunately also am unable to head this off before it begins, because I so far can't recognise what they are doing when they are doing it. As a result I've had but extremely few female friends as an adult, and in general prefer men for the sort of interaction other women seem to seek from women. My being genderqueer just adds to the puzzle, especially online where people aren't aware of that.
I read this book to understand the problem per se, to have a peek at how these women have grown up, and why they now behave in this manner. To this end the book is perfect.
If you want to find out what to do against such behaviour, you probably need to look elsewhere.
Personally I doubt there is any solution. I also don't see much sense in fitting myself into a behaviour pattern which I actually consider to be completely unnecessary. If that means that I have more male-oriented than female-oriented relationships, then this is fine by me. I don't think it is even possible to sort of emulate such behaviour if one hasn't grown up with it, or considers it utterly ridiculous and despicable. My experience is that this opinion shines through regardless of any attempt at masking it.
I don't think this book is in any way "unfeministic", as some readers have put it. Feminism, to me, doesn't mean I have to side with women never mind the cost. It means that men and women are equal. And if I dislike a cultural behaviour of women, then I am free to do so. Women don't get a free pass just because they are female. I also have begun to understand why men in these cultures where such behaviour is most prevalent are quite leery of women. I am so as well when confronted with this behaviour.
Recommended book.
September 1, 2010
I picked this book up hoping it would provide advice on navigating the complexities of subtle female aggression in relationships, particularly as they occur at work.
This book did not offer advice. Instead, it spent 85-90% of it's content diagnosing the problem and describing it through first person accounts of women who had been victimized.
Look: you aren't going to pick this book up if you are a "Queen Bee", you are going to pick this book up if you find yourself in situations where you are the receiving end of hostility from another female and you aren't sure how to navigate the interaction.
Her advice: TALK to them. Oh yay! Good! I NEVER thought of or tried that. Oh wait, I did, and it didn't work. In fact, it made things worse.
All in all, this book is written by someone who spent a lot of time researching and analyzing the problem, and, like most of us, still hasn't a clue how to fix it.
Not recommended.
This book did not offer advice. Instead, it spent 85-90% of it's content diagnosing the problem and describing it through first person accounts of women who had been victimized.
Look: you aren't going to pick this book up if you are a "Queen Bee", you are going to pick this book up if you find yourself in situations where you are the receiving end of hostility from another female and you aren't sure how to navigate the interaction.
Her advice: TALK to them. Oh yay! Good! I NEVER thought of or tried that. Oh wait, I did, and it didn't work. In fact, it made things worse.
All in all, this book is written by someone who spent a lot of time researching and analyzing the problem, and, like most of us, still hasn't a clue how to fix it.
Not recommended.
May 31, 2012
This book was worthless. The author provides, collectively, about 40 pages of original material; the rest is just essays or recollections she gathered from other women about what she terms "Female Relational Aggression (RA)." That, however, is not the only problem with this book.
While I was certainly annoyed by the lack of information in this book, I was also infuriated by many of the conclusions offered. For instance, in the first chapter she lists and summarizes the four main theories about why we (allegedly) see RA perpetrated by women, but she leaves it up to the reader to decide which one to believe! She does not explain her theory of the cause, nor does she engage in any kind of critical discussion of a)why our society only identifies this behavior with women; b)whether to place any validity in biological or social influences; c)why we (supposedly) do not see this behavior in men. She never addresses these issues; she only lists them. This instance is only one example of the, in my opinion, lazy way this book is written. Throughout the book, when Dellasega decides to add her own prose, she only summarizes what the reprinted essay states, and then states that RA is a bad aspect of women's behavior.
I have many issues with these assertions. A few years ago at work, I had to share one office that only had one computer and four desks with eight men; I was the only woman in the whole bunch. I'm sure most people are familiar with the charges that women hate each other, that women are out to sabotage each other, that women only smile to conceal their true contempt for their coworkers or friends, yada yada yada. What I learned from that year was men act the same way. Each of my office mates hated each other and wanted to get the others in trouble or put them down behind their backs. I was fascinated with the fact that each of them told me in confidence about the issues they had with the other men in the office, but never gave the others any reason to suspect their true feelings. Everyone smiled and joked with each other when the group was there together; when they were alone, they scowled over the issues between them.
I mention this because, while anecdotal, I think it is a sufficient paradigm of the kind of so-called catty behavior of which our culture only accuses women, yet it is definitely present in both sexes, in all genders. I mean, how else would you describe modern politics? The bickering (between male news anchors or political/economic/medical experts) on TV? The backdoor deals among power brokers or politicians? The cut-throat world of law school? The attempts to one-up each other based on who one is dating, how many girls one has bedded, how "hot" one's girlfriend is compared to another's, the size of one's paycheck, showing off at the gym? In all of these arenas men do try to cut each other down. Contrary to this book, American manhood is not constant high-fives during a football game. As with femininity, American masculinity is complex, intricate, and rife with competition.
As with very simplistic (and misogynist) causal arguments for female aggression, this book infuriated me by claiming that this kind of behavior is "natural" or determined. Bear in mind this woman only discusses white, middle to upper class, heterosexual, American women. She makes no effort to look at aggression in different cultures or among different groups of women. Thus, we receive a slanted, tunnel-visioned portrait of women's aggression. And even with the information she does provide, I don't think she covers the complexity of the situation, nor tries to challenge conventional misogynist thinking. To make her book even more infuriating, while elaborating on her claims of "natural" behavior, she is just as ridiculous in her assessments of men. For instance, she claims women are more likely to think about an issue from all sides, but men will think rationally and in terms of how an issue affects only them. This is a crock, to be honest. I, just like anyone else who has encountered more than one person, can say that there are men and women who fit BOTH descriptions.
Interestingly, she does contradict herself by listing many social causes of female aggression and trying to make them part of her causal argument. However, she interjects these ideas amid her discussions of "naturalness" in women's behavior.
To paraphrase Gloria Steinem, someone who looks like you but thinks like they do is even worse. And so is this lady. This book adds nothing to the discussion of women and aggression except flashy, "Today-Show"ish language ("Are you a Queen Bee, a Middle Bee, or an Afraid To Bee?"), and illogical reasoning. This book should be avoided at all costs.
While I was certainly annoyed by the lack of information in this book, I was also infuriated by many of the conclusions offered. For instance, in the first chapter she lists and summarizes the four main theories about why we (allegedly) see RA perpetrated by women, but she leaves it up to the reader to decide which one to believe! She does not explain her theory of the cause, nor does she engage in any kind of critical discussion of a)why our society only identifies this behavior with women; b)whether to place any validity in biological or social influences; c)why we (supposedly) do not see this behavior in men. She never addresses these issues; she only lists them. This instance is only one example of the, in my opinion, lazy way this book is written. Throughout the book, when Dellasega decides to add her own prose, she only summarizes what the reprinted essay states, and then states that RA is a bad aspect of women's behavior.
I have many issues with these assertions. A few years ago at work, I had to share one office that only had one computer and four desks with eight men; I was the only woman in the whole bunch. I'm sure most people are familiar with the charges that women hate each other, that women are out to sabotage each other, that women only smile to conceal their true contempt for their coworkers or friends, yada yada yada. What I learned from that year was men act the same way. Each of my office mates hated each other and wanted to get the others in trouble or put them down behind their backs. I was fascinated with the fact that each of them told me in confidence about the issues they had with the other men in the office, but never gave the others any reason to suspect their true feelings. Everyone smiled and joked with each other when the group was there together; when they were alone, they scowled over the issues between them.
I mention this because, while anecdotal, I think it is a sufficient paradigm of the kind of so-called catty behavior of which our culture only accuses women, yet it is definitely present in both sexes, in all genders. I mean, how else would you describe modern politics? The bickering (between male news anchors or political/economic/medical experts) on TV? The backdoor deals among power brokers or politicians? The cut-throat world of law school? The attempts to one-up each other based on who one is dating, how many girls one has bedded, how "hot" one's girlfriend is compared to another's, the size of one's paycheck, showing off at the gym? In all of these arenas men do try to cut each other down. Contrary to this book, American manhood is not constant high-fives during a football game. As with femininity, American masculinity is complex, intricate, and rife with competition.
As with very simplistic (and misogynist) causal arguments for female aggression, this book infuriated me by claiming that this kind of behavior is "natural" or determined. Bear in mind this woman only discusses white, middle to upper class, heterosexual, American women. She makes no effort to look at aggression in different cultures or among different groups of women. Thus, we receive a slanted, tunnel-visioned portrait of women's aggression. And even with the information she does provide, I don't think she covers the complexity of the situation, nor tries to challenge conventional misogynist thinking. To make her book even more infuriating, while elaborating on her claims of "natural" behavior, she is just as ridiculous in her assessments of men. For instance, she claims women are more likely to think about an issue from all sides, but men will think rationally and in terms of how an issue affects only them. This is a crock, to be honest. I, just like anyone else who has encountered more than one person, can say that there are men and women who fit BOTH descriptions.
Interestingly, she does contradict herself by listing many social causes of female aggression and trying to make them part of her causal argument. However, she interjects these ideas amid her discussions of "naturalness" in women's behavior.
To paraphrase Gloria Steinem, someone who looks like you but thinks like they do is even worse. And so is this lady. This book adds nothing to the discussion of women and aggression except flashy, "Today-Show"ish language ("Are you a Queen Bee, a Middle Bee, or an Afraid To Bee?"), and illogical reasoning. This book should be avoided at all costs.
July 15, 2009
Why do some areas of life seem like the nightmarish aspects of middle school and high school all over again? Have you ever wondered why some women, in the face of competition, regress to catty, back stabbing, ganging up and cruel behaviors toward other women? Well then, this is the book for you. Analysis can be the first step in understanding and changing behavior or at least not overpersonalizing it, and Dr. Cheryl Dellasega does a beautiful job in explaining relational aggression; that way that women hurt other women. In a clear and evidence-based book that is well-organized and has excellent stories (my highest complements), Dr. Dellasega lays out her theories in a way that is understandable yet empathetic. Maybe someday we can start leading our daughters in a different direction as a way to make the world a kinder and gentler place.
September 20, 2017
Excellent read! It helped me understand what had been going on around me for the past two years. I was invited into a group of teacher friends at the end of my daughter's 3rd grade year. I spent time with them, and grew to love them all, and truly believed they felt the same. At first, I thought the main problem was the middle bee, but it was really the person one person I trusted with everything, that was the problem. She just used the middle bee friend to spread the rumors, and lies for her. Unfortunately, when I would call them out on things, I did it most time alone with the Queen bee, and she would never admit to anything, except she would call me paranoid, or project her own issues onto me, and then would go to the rest of the group, and say things that made me appear crazy. I wish I had confronted her in front of the whole group, but I was not strong enough at the time. Not one person in the group reached out to me, about why I had to stop being around these two, they just believed whatever lies that were told, but the truth is if they knew of all the things these women did, especially the queen bee, I truly don't believe they would have stood for it, in fact I know they wouldn't. They all seemed to really care for me, and I think that was the biggest problem for the queen bee in this group. I can only hope one day, they figure it out, and get out. Life is too short to be surrounded by toxic people. Thankfully, I had friends that were there for me through all this, and encouraged me to continue to do what I love. Thanks to this book, I know how to spot these kind of people, and stay clear of them. I too as a child never experienced this kind mean girls. I was friends with everyone, and we did have a group that hung out, but we never treated people unkind intentionally, or make them feel unwanted, or less than. It's very sad, that this happens among adults.
October 30, 2014
I found this book extremely helpful in identifying female aggressiveness and its reasons in everyday life. Perhaps I've kinda always known what drives it, especially since I danced in a performing company for 25 years. However, our company of girls was particularly supportive, a culture different than other studios. We heard horror stories of backbiting and exclusion among ballerinas and did everything to not be "them."
That knowledge did not easily translate into other aspects of my life. There are few women in our office and those in leadership positions take the "it's a man's world" approach. And while my running and biking group is very supportive, I have found other athletic individuals who might as well be backstabbing ballerinas. To boot, I find men who unwittingly encourage competition against women and would become angry when I didn't participate. Until I read this book, I would feel guilty that I had upset them. Now I know that I should take pride that I refuse to let that dynamic continue.
I'm not blameless. This book made me understand where I was WAY more aggressive than necessary, where I fell into the instigator role, and how I allowed myself to become victimized. But I can also see how much I've succeeded in creating strong relationships with other women and how to do better by others in the future. A lot of people felt they didn't get a lot from this book because the discussion is subjective and the suggested responses vague. But everyone of our situations is different, so I don't think the author could have given a one-size fits all conclusion. It's trial and error. The important thing is that we get started.
That knowledge did not easily translate into other aspects of my life. There are few women in our office and those in leadership positions take the "it's a man's world" approach. And while my running and biking group is very supportive, I have found other athletic individuals who might as well be backstabbing ballerinas. To boot, I find men who unwittingly encourage competition against women and would become angry when I didn't participate. Until I read this book, I would feel guilty that I had upset them. Now I know that I should take pride that I refuse to let that dynamic continue.
I'm not blameless. This book made me understand where I was WAY more aggressive than necessary, where I fell into the instigator role, and how I allowed myself to become victimized. But I can also see how much I've succeeded in creating strong relationships with other women and how to do better by others in the future. A lot of people felt they didn't get a lot from this book because the discussion is subjective and the suggested responses vague. But everyone of our situations is different, so I don't think the author could have given a one-size fits all conclusion. It's trial and error. The important thing is that we get started.
May 9, 2011
Eh. I really wanted to like this book, because I think it has a lot of good things to say about the horrible things girls do to each other, which often DO continue into adulthood.
However, the cohesion problems presented by soliciting stories from other women were more than I could bear at times. It could have benefited from MUCH tighter editing... Some of the stories were virtually unreadable, and even some of the author's own text was left with several typos of the homophone type (flare for flair, among others) as though no editor actually ever took a peek at the manuscript. And it's published by Wiley! Disappointing.
However, the cohesion problems presented by soliciting stories from other women were more than I could bear at times. It could have benefited from MUCH tighter editing... Some of the stories were virtually unreadable, and even some of the author's own text was left with several typos of the homophone type (flare for flair, among others) as though no editor actually ever took a peek at the manuscript. And it's published by Wiley! Disappointing.
January 28, 2010
This book has a lot of good information on how women can be manipulative intentionally and unintentionally. I cold have done with half the examples. Women are so mean! I hope that I never act like a Queen Bee.
June 30, 2012
An important look into how female bullying doesn't end in high school but remains a reality for women throughout their lives.
January 18, 2019
It amazes me that some women can't get past high school socialization.
January 24, 2016
This book helped me realize that I'm not crazy--women really do act like that! Unfortunately it occurs too often in the workplace. I saw my past work situation so clearly in this book and realized that leaving was the best thing I could have done. It also helped me see patterns to avoid that I have worked hard to implement in my new job. Feel bullied at work by a queen bee? You may want to wait until you leave to read it or at least have a big glass of wine handy! But do definitely read it--it's an eye opener.
August 5, 2015
This is my 4th read on the topic, yet the book offered new insights which others didn't. If you're an attractive, well educated, confident woman with an aura then God help you, because wherever you'll go, you'd meet women hostile to you. This book validates thoughts which may otherwise seem vain.
It lacks tips for victims so I took off 1 star. Good book overall.
It lacks tips for victims so I took off 1 star. Good book overall.
June 2, 2012
We think bullying is something that happens between adolescents, but sometimes negative behaviors persist into adulthood. "Relational aggression" is harmful be can be fixed. Women need to support one another.
April 16, 2013
This book seemed like it would be helpful in helping one navigate adult female relationships, especially in the workplace but it was not. I thought it would at least have studies to back up some of the author's claims but it was just a collection of essays and first person accounts of 'bullying'.
April 30, 2009
Too heavy with the same message not as informative as I would have hoped. I felt like shouting Got It! Let's move on folks.
May 8, 2010
This book should be required reading for every woman. Great read!
February 1, 2011
Wow, eye opening. Made me really aware and now I hope every person I know reads it too..
December 16, 2021
I bought this book hoping to gain some insight into why some women take such pleasure in hurting and bullying other women. Were they just born with a mean-streak or has something happened in their lives to make them that way? The book is full of case studies and it is interesting that women-on-women bullying takes place in all sorts of environments. There are examples from convents and doctors offices. There is even the story of a well-known supermodel who has a reputation for her unacceptable and even violent behavior towards her female assistants . There will be many anecdotes which most readers can identify with . Dellasega groups women into three categories, the Queen Bee (the bully), the Middle Bee (the pot stirrer) and the Afraid-to-Be (the victim). It was interesting to mentally slot women I know into each category.
I was looking forward to reading Dellasaga's solutions for dealing with "relational aggression", a term that she uses throughout the book, however I was left feeling disappointed. Some of the more trite suggestions are praying and just being nicer. I would have liked some techniques, come-backs or even role plays for when we find ourselves targeted by bullies, tips that we canpass onto our daughters. How should we react when we are snubbed by the self-perceived Alpha-females at a school social? What should we do when the office bitch is spreading false rumours because she is jealous about something?. None of this is really properly addressed. Should we all just grow a thicker skin and accept that some people are just poisonous? One solution I have embraced is simply to care less, these shallow people aren't worth the emotional energy and this becomes easier the older and more secure in ourselves we become. I also find myself encountering fewer "mean women" now, perhaps this behavior is something people eventually grow out of.
I enjoyed reading "Mean Girls Grown Up" but don't feel It provided the useful strategies I was hoping for.
I was looking forward to reading Dellasaga's solutions for dealing with "relational aggression", a term that she uses throughout the book, however I was left feeling disappointed. Some of the more trite suggestions are praying and just being nicer. I would have liked some techniques, come-backs or even role plays for when we find ourselves targeted by bullies, tips that we canpass onto our daughters. How should we react when we are snubbed by the self-perceived Alpha-females at a school social? What should we do when the office bitch is spreading false rumours because she is jealous about something?. None of this is really properly addressed. Should we all just grow a thicker skin and accept that some people are just poisonous? One solution I have embraced is simply to care less, these shallow people aren't worth the emotional energy and this becomes easier the older and more secure in ourselves we become. I also find myself encountering fewer "mean women" now, perhaps this behavior is something people eventually grow out of.
I enjoyed reading "Mean Girls Grown Up" but don't feel It provided the useful strategies I was hoping for.
April 12, 2018
This was recommended to me. As with many books that try to address antagonistic female relationships (or any other), the categorizations feel too neat and tidy. Thankfully, I'm not contending with this stuff in my life (both according to my perception and the handy quiz near the end); maybe if you are, it would feel more useful?
Want to read
December 14, 2021I didn’t finish this book. But it had a lot of good information in it. I appreciated the stories shared by women. They were very relatable. I also appreciated the facts. They weren’t presented in my favorite way to read them but I’m glad they were there to add to the validity of what the author was saying.
May 25, 2020
Very repetitive
February 26, 2017
a gross over generalization of female relationships. it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about how done relationships and some people are. it was a collection of stories with little statistical tidbits in-between and random comparisons to men as well. I felt annoyed with the book and didn't have any ah-ha moments like I was expecting to
June 5, 2013
I picked up this book on a whim because it was on the shelf across from the Sewing Section at my local used bookstore. It looked interesting, and for $2, I figured "why not?"
I had never heard of "relational aggression" before reading this book, so it was a very informative read and ultimately comforting to be able to put a name to one of the most awful experience with another woman that I've ever encountered in the workplace.
However, there were a couple things that bothered me about this book that kept me from really enjoying it. First, the author's assertion that relational aggression is exclusive to women. She exclaims over and over again how men just hardly ever relate to each other that way, which was really frustrating and annoying to me, because I can say from experience that this just isn't true. She must not have very many friendships with men, or work with a lot of men, because I can tell you with confidence that men certainly engage in this sort of behavior as well.
The other aspect of this book that bothers me, is that 80% of the stories and observations of women that the author shares in her book are those of middle class and upper class white women. She doesn't really go into cultural or ethnic influences on relational aggression in women at all, which is a disappointment. I will say that she has examples from all sorts of age ranges which is nice, from college students to elderly women in retirement homes.
I did like reading about other women's experiences with relational aggression. The stories were very interesting, as were the different ways the women resolved the situations.
Over all, this book was an easy and engaging read, but seemed more about discussing other people's theories about relational aggression rather than actual research, so I'm only going to give it 3 stars.
I had never heard of "relational aggression" before reading this book, so it was a very informative read and ultimately comforting to be able to put a name to one of the most awful experience with another woman that I've ever encountered in the workplace.
However, there were a couple things that bothered me about this book that kept me from really enjoying it. First, the author's assertion that relational aggression is exclusive to women. She exclaims over and over again how men just hardly ever relate to each other that way, which was really frustrating and annoying to me, because I can say from experience that this just isn't true. She must not have very many friendships with men, or work with a lot of men, because I can tell you with confidence that men certainly engage in this sort of behavior as well.
The other aspect of this book that bothers me, is that 80% of the stories and observations of women that the author shares in her book are those of middle class and upper class white women. She doesn't really go into cultural or ethnic influences on relational aggression in women at all, which is a disappointment. I will say that she has examples from all sorts of age ranges which is nice, from college students to elderly women in retirement homes.
I did like reading about other women's experiences with relational aggression. The stories were very interesting, as were the different ways the women resolved the situations.
Over all, this book was an easy and engaging read, but seemed more about discussing other people's theories about relational aggression rather than actual research, so I'm only going to give it 3 stars.
May 21, 2021
The thesis of this book is that all women fit into three basic categories at any given point in their lives: 1. The Queen Bees (those who are the bullies demanding their way), 2. The Middle Bees (who gossip and manipulate, helping the Queen Bees or standing by at the bullying), and 3. The Wanna Bees (the victims who don't stand up for themselves or who find it easier to take this approach). The book identifies each, offers help on changing your own tendencies, as well as explores reasons we interact with each other with so much relational aggression.
Almost as soon as I started reading, I realized that I had settled-in to the middle bee status - helping the gossip train along and trying to manipulate my way into situations without having to be in the spotlight. Although I don't see much hope for change on a global level, I did see things in my work environment that I could change if only for my personal satisfaction. And, if I can get someone to read the book, maybe it would start a trend to make relationships with women better.
Almost as soon as I started reading, I realized that I had settled-in to the middle bee status - helping the gossip train along and trying to manipulate my way into situations without having to be in the spotlight. Although I don't see much hope for change on a global level, I did see things in my work environment that I could change if only for my personal satisfaction. And, if I can get someone to read the book, maybe it would start a trend to make relationships with women better.
October 26, 2013
I know a little about bullying, but thought it generally a pre-adult behavior. It seems in the case of women I am wrong. Having always worked almost exclusively with men, I am blind to these hateful dynamics. We men have our sets of deleterious cudgels, but not this queen bee millstone. Though I do think most men turn a blind eye, rationalizing that "that's just the way women are." The personal stories are worth everyone's read and the best chapter is "The Power of Forgiveness," particularly "Waving at Miss Velma." Not much mention of religion in this book, except that churches suffer from this same disease, and no mention of religion in the Velma story. But I've never read a more simple and poignant portrait of the love of the Most High.
November 2, 2015
This book was a little disappointing given the information I was seeking. I wanted to get a better understanding of what, beyond being insecure, allows the Queen Bee and the Middle Bee to emerge in various settings, the workplace, the volunteer group, etc. and how to manage it short of a group intervention or quitting/leaving the group.
This book is largely comprised of email submissions of women who seem to be admins, entry to mid-level in corporate settings, nurses, and volunteers. It did not provide context around the situation beyond what the person submitted.
If you are being bullied this may be useful resource to know you are not alone. If you are looking to understand the dynamics it underperformed in my view.
This book is largely comprised of email submissions of women who seem to be admins, entry to mid-level in corporate settings, nurses, and volunteers. It did not provide context around the situation beyond what the person submitted.
If you are being bullied this may be useful resource to know you are not alone. If you are looking to understand the dynamics it underperformed in my view.
September 30, 2014
Repetitive and disappointing. Slightly depressing. I was hoping for more information about how to handle relational aggression, but the entire book had this tone of, "Yeah, most women are cruel and selfish. Deal with it by avoiding Queen Bees and getting a therapist." Very little advice, almost entirely stories about RA experiences. I just couldn't handle it anymore, skimmed the last five chapters and gave up on it which I rarely do. If you're writing a report on RA it might be helpful I guess.
August 18, 2012
One of the few books I've stopped reading. I realized at page 94 that this was not my reality in experiences with other women. Perhaps the OCCASIONAL occurrence, but certainly not the norm. I found the book depressing, demeaning, disheartening... I acknowledge that perhaps I would feel differently if I had finished it, but I just didn't see the point.
I should add a shout-out to all the women in my life that do NOT embody this sort of behavior! I guess I'm one lucky woman.
I should add a shout-out to all the women in my life that do NOT embody this sort of behavior! I guess I'm one lucky woman.
May 31, 2015
Pretty interesting summary of relational aggression all grown up and in various venues, from work to the PTO to one's in-laws. There's no systematic data but lots of good anecdotes and analysis of said anecdotes. This is an easy read and a good one, especially for girls and young women who are exploring a wider environment than they are used to, and especially if they did not grow up with a great deal of RA.
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August 6, 2011Relational aggression between women, how women use "one -up- manship", exclusion and subtle bullying tactics when they feel threatened by other women. A great book to understanding what goes on between so called queen Bees, their middle bees, and the scared to Bees. The communications chapter is excellent , I'll be using it for training this month.
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