When an Adult You Love Has ADHD: Professional Advice for Parents, Partners, and Siblings

by Russell A. Barkley

Winner, Independent Press Awards, PsychologyIn this book internationally renowned ADHD expert Dr. Russell Barkley explains the science behind ADHD and how you can tell if your spouse, partner, friend, adult child, or sibling may have it.Dr. Barkley shows how to guide your loved one toward the right treatment, and what to do if they don't want treatment. ADHD doesn't just affect kids — adults can have it too. This will come as no surprise if you are close to an adult who has problems with attention, concentration, distractibility, impulsiveness, forgetfulness, or self-control (or all of these symptoms). The good news is that with effective treatment your loved one with ADHD can have a happier, more successful life and a stronger, closer relationship with you and others. Adults with ADHD can be successful, achieve their goals, and live out big dreams—and you can help. You can set boundaries to manage your own emotional and financial stress, too. In When an Adult You Love Has ADHD you will learn practical steps for helping your loved one accept and manage their disorder, and pursue paths in life where ADHD might not pose such a big problem. Dr. Barkley shows how to guide your loved one toward the right treatment and, using real-life examples, answers questions such What health risks does ADHD impose on those who have it? Why am I feeling resentful toward my loved one with ADHD? What can I do to help my loved one at home, at work, and in other areas of life? How can I avoid wasting time and money on sham treatments? What if my loved one doesn't want help? Adults with ADHD can achieve their goals and live out big dreams — and you can help. In this book you will learn practical steps for helping your loved one accept and manage their disorder, and pursue unique, often nontraditional pathways to success.

Genres: Adhd, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Mental Health, Health

401 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 19, 2016

About the author

Russell A. Barkley (born 1949) is a clinical psychologist who is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Medical University of South Carolina and an author of books on ADHD. Involved in research since 1973 and a licensed psychologist since 1977, he is an expert on attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and has devoted much of his scientific career to studying ADHD and related problems in children. His research interests include childhood defiance.

Reviews

[Beth Drayton · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very much seems to be written from the perspective that adhd people are something you have to put up with and tolerate until we can find a cure. The book opens with the author blaming adhd for his brother's death and nephew's "impulsive" suicide and goes on throughout the book from that assumption instead of addressing any of the author's clear biases regarding adhd. The author seems to only think of adhd in extremes and ignores the ways that society could change to suit adhd-havers, instead wanting adhd-havers to become more palatable. The second page states without any nuance that "[adhd] is a serious disorder that your loved one would give up in a heartbeat if that were possible". Excuse me, Mr Neurotypical???????

Much of the information is about what adhd looks like to others and is entirely explained from that outsider mindset rather than exploring and explaining what's actually going on for the adhd-haver. There was a lot of biased language used to convey people with adhd as manipulative and selfish. Particularly interesting was which examples the author chose to use "she" pronouns for, by which I mean the author seems very sexist. What adhd-having woman doesn't go to the bank to cash a cheque only to get distracted by *flirting with the teller* before going home without cashing the cheque because her "working memory is so weak and fragile"?

As someone with adhd, it was interesting to see what my symptoms look like to others but ultimately gave me the impression that I should feel my disorder is a burden on those around me and it's my job to fix that, instead of expecting to be met in the middle with empathy and understanding from non adhd people.

I admit I'd probably have been more comfortable reading this book if it had at least been written by someone with adhd but, since it isn't, I wish the author hadn't wasted his and my time. It's not even that I disagree with everything the author says, there's just so much personal opinion shoved in and around actual facts. Why was there so much focus on adhd-havers as criminials??? Why so much focus on all the ways loving someone with adhd is a burden you must selflessly take on?

Honestly, I couldn't bring myself to finish this book in the same way i wouldn't just stand there while someone hurled insults at me. I got around halfway through and I don't know if it got any better but there are already much better books written on this topic by people with actual insight into adhd and without all the biases of this author and I kind of wish I'd stuck to them instead of reading this. I would hate any of my loved ones to read this in an attempt to empathise with me as they'll just end up more misinformed about adhd than ever. Would not recommend.

[Sherri Sutton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I have read on ADHD. Russell Barkley is the expert on it and proves it in this book. It's the first time I so clearly understood the "frontal lobe syndrome" and the deficits in the "executive functioning" - the book is very well written and questions are answered. When he describes what it is like to love someone with ADHD, you can tell that he must have experienced it himself (he did with his brother) because he described the exact way that I have felt so many times - so accurate!! It was a relief to see it put into words knowing that what is happening is not unusual for someone with this neurobiologic disorder. AMAZING BOOK! A must-have if you have a loved one with ADHD

[Sophia Ash · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book straight up made me feel crap about myself. I read it to share some information to my partner just in case he was curious about my diagnosis, but I feel like it was just hurtful. Like your partner with ADHD is an incompetent child, what about the strengths? And how you can benefit from having an adhd partner? How adhd individuals are adaptable in social situations or think quickly and clearly in a crisis? Written by just another neurotypical jerk, those of you who feel the same I would recommend "loving someone with adhd" it's phrased much more understanding. And the part about learned incompetence? Give me a break.

God I would be so embarrassed, actually, mortified if a loved one read this book with me in mind.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Own it, learn about it and deal with it. Not your fault but your responsibility.

Back part of brain is where you learn things (knowledge) and the front part is where you apply that to everyday functioning to get to your goals and improve your welfare (performance). ADHD partially disconnects these two regions. What they know does not guide what they do. Disorder of performance - a problem of doing what one knows. P218

[Molly Shaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read other books on this subject, but this has enabled me to be more compassionate to my loved ones that have ADHD. I now understand so much more.

[briz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very readable "manual" on living with a loved one's ADHD. V v helpful. Barkley is to ADHD as David Burns is to cognitive behavioral therapy - the main man, the guru. I started this many months (years?) ago, when I was deep in the chaos of living with a loved one's ADHD. Things were so chaotic and grim and hard that Barkley's "tough love" approach was exactly NOT what I wanted to hear.

Basically, Barkley has suffered several personal tragedies - the death of several loved ones (!) - which he attributes mightily to ADHD. He is therefore passionate about, basically, getting people to take the disease/disability seriously. When I was feeling down about ADHD, I definitely did NOT need to hear horror stories. I was depressed enough already.

Now that things are better, I can take Barkley's warnings with more equanimity and perspective: he's basically trying - valiantly, heroically - to destroy the mainstream cultural meme of ADHD being kinda a "fake disease". Disability advocacy and neurodiversity advocacy have come a long way in the last 5-10 years (at least in terms of entering mainstream discourse - I judge this by the fact that I, a basic lady, know about neurodiversity now). But it's true that, when I've lamented my loved ones' ADHD behaviors to friends, some friends have been like, "Well, it sounds like [they're] just lazy." (!!) For real!

This underlying cultural skepticism and moral disgust around ADHD is, in Barkley's view (and now in mine!), one of its biggest hurdles. People are just really judgey and kinda dicks about it. And I could be that person! I could be a dick about it! I have multiple loved ones with ADHD, they are/were varying degrees of functional, and I have MANY TIMES been like, "hmm, but aren't Adderall/Ritalin over-prescribed" and "hmmm, am I asking someone in a wheelchair to run a 5k, or can they really do it and they're just CHOOSING not to because they're [lazy/ungrateful/whatever]". I am ashamed of these thoughts now. But I think those thoughts - and the spiral of resentment, guilt, etc. that you can get into - are really common. Unfortunately!

Anyway. I do recommend this book now. Tldr is: ADHD is real, it sucks and it's hard, it's not a "superpower", and it can be treated. And tldr ADHD is just the executive functioning part of the brain being on the fritz. To paraphrase Barkley, we need to be scientific about this - not moral!

[Adriana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful book to read to better inform yourself about ADHD: what it is, why it happens, and what you can do to ensure those who have it have the best quality of life they can have.

[Catherine B. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started listening to this book and ended about 2/3rds of the way through. It had some helpful examples and information, but just became repetitious. Would be a useful check out as a reference and I appreciate that it is current. It's just not a book one would read straight through.

[Francis Langbein · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty good intro to ADHD. Some good insights. Reads boring and slow

Overbearing at times context on everything adhd. 3-4 valuable chapters on ideas for treating adhd. Too scientific reading to the point of being unempathetic. Boring, long, repetitive paragraphs. Could use a lot more color and stories.

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very, very informative. I found this book by listening to the Ologies podcast episode where the host interviewed him. That was a great episode. I actually listened to it before getting into a relationship with someone who has ADHD though he is the reason why I decided to read this book.

He was already diagnosed with ADHD though by his account it is minor and he is not currently taking medication for it. I say this because I believe this book is very much oriented for a person whose loved one is 1. Not currently diagnosed and/or is in denial tha they even have ADHD 2. Has moderate-to-severe ADHD. He does acknowledge people who have minor ADHD but they're definitely not the main focus.

Because of this, some of the advice seemed a bit too extreme for me to even think to suggest to my boyfriend. I don't think he needs to be checking in with someone 3 times a day to stay on task, for example. Though he has a very detailed digital work calendar that he calls his "Bible". I think he has already been employing a lot of strategies described in the book so I think Barkely definitely knows what he's talking about! It just seemed a bit parental-figure oriented by how much involvement it entails to be in the person with ADHDs life. I wouldnt feel comfortable employing a lot of what is suggested in this book. However I, and my boyfriend, are very interested in reading a book he suggested The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlove, next!

I highly recommend this book and the Ologies episode to anyone who wants to learn more about ADHD.

[James]

ADHD doesn't just affect kids -- adults can have it too. This will come as no surprise if you are close to an adult who has problems with attention, concentration, distractibility, impulsiveness, forgetfulness or self-control (or all of these symptoms). The good news is that with effective treatment your loved one with ADHD can have a happier, more successful life and a stronger, closer relationship with you and others. Without sugar coating the facts, internationally renowned ADHD expert Dr. Russell Barkley explains in this book what ADHD is all about and how you can tell if your spouse, partner, friend, adult child, or sibling may have it. He shows how to guide your loved one toward the right treatment and, using examples from real life, answers questions such as: What health risks does ADHD impose on those who have it? Why am I feeling resentful toward my loved one with ADHD? What can I personally do to help my loved one at home, at work, and in other areas of life? How can I avoid wasting time and money on sham treatments? What if my loved one doesn't want help? Adults with ADHD can achieve their goals and live out big dreams -- and you can help. In this book you will learn practical steps for helping your loved one accept and manage their disorder, and pursue paths in life where ADHD might not pose such a big problem.

[Justyna Walkowska · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a bit of a weird mix.

On the one hand, as others have eloquently explained in their reviews, the book is patronizing and describes ADHD people as almost evil and definitely unbearable. There is a number of statements which are plain untrue - e.g. that every person with ADHD would get rid of these traits without hesitation.

I have to admit I expected the premise to be a little different. I thought it would be "so your partner has been diagnosed with ADHD, here is how to help", but it is more of "this is how you diagnose your obnoxious, irresponsible partner". I find this approach barely ethical.

But there is also a lot of value in the book. It has the best chapter on executive dysfunction that I have ever read. I finally understand what it means. There are also some valuable practical tricks, like the method to retain information while reading.

So, again, a mix. Great clinical insight, some good tips, mixed with the author's personal trauma and bias; occasionally mildly insulting.

[Sandra Bollow · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a wealth of information on ADHD. As a person in a newer relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD since childhood, it was certainly more informative for me in the aspects of understanding how ADHD affects people rather than needing all the strategies for coping and medicating and intervening. But I was able to flag chapters and things that I found helpful to keep in mind or that I might want to come back to if symptoms worsen or if we develop problems that aren’t present in every day life. It is written very straight-forward and uses language that is easy to understand, yet not in a demeaning way. I like that it encourages the person with ADHD and their supporters to own the condition and have the science behind it has explanation for behaviors rather than an excuse. The author presents various instances and tools for accountability and moving forward rather than dwelling and blaming on the disorder, which I found a positive view to take.

[Ian Grantham · Rating 4 out of 5]

We have an adult son who has self diagnosed himself with ADHD. Although I am not keen on any psychological self diagnosis, having read this book I can see why he is tempted to believe this to be the case.

I found the book very helpful, particularly the sections on the consequences of untreated ADHD, the impact of adult ADHD on the loving ones, helping your loved ones to get professional help and how to help your loved one understand and accept adult ADHD.

Obviously i found the chapters on living with an adult with ADHD less useful, but I’m sure that for a spouse/partner these contain valuable strategies.

Overall then, four stars.

[Jo Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

this is not a gentle read. it contains both a professional understanding and a personal experience (as a brother and uncle) and it feels rather relentlessly negative. however the information on supporting and helping is good. well explained and useful. I wouldn't give this book to somebody who has or may have ADHD but as someone trying to support I found it useful and well written.
read Gabor Mate for a gentler more positive approach.

[Kinsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good, easy to read, and was all spot on. Got through about half of it.

[Rebecca Villa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful and informative.

[Nicole · Rating 2 out of 5]

Time to review my notes and rant about this before the end of the year…

[Kat · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to a podcast that featured the author, and I think he came off a bit more sympathetic and understanding in the interview. Maybe this book is not for me since my loved one has been diagnosed with & treated for their ADHD for a lot of their life, but a lot of this seemed like drastic, extreme circumstances and I didn't really gain anything to use with my specific person. However, I do think it paints a picture of ADHD that is more serious than a lot of folks stereotype it to be, with a thorough investigation of how ADHD can affect those with ADHD and the people in their lives. I don't necessarily agree with everything I heard (I listened to this as an audiobook) but I am sure this book is valuable to some folks.

[Karie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really great resource that is easy to read and take away a great deal of helpful information and a new level of understanding. Highly recommend for anyone who has someone with ADHD in their life.