Wild and Precious Life

by Deborah Ziegler

From the mother of Brittany Maynard comes an endearing memoir honoring the young woman who made the decision to travel to Oregon and end her life on her own terms after a defeating battle with a cancerous brain tumor.

Written by Deborah Ziegler, the mother of Brittany Maynard—a twenty-nine-year-old woman with a terminal brain tumor—this touching and beautiful memoir captures and celebrates her daughter’s spirit and the mostly untold story of Brittany's last year of life as she chose her right to die with dignity, a journey that inspired millions.

In this poignant, powerful book, Deborah Ziegler makes good on the promise she made to her only that she would honor her daughter and carry forward her legacy by sharing their story and offering hope, empowerment, and inspiration to the growing tens of millions of people who are struggling with end-of-life issues.

"Brittany’s story…will have a ready audience, and Deborah’s frank account of their struggles will be comforting to others facing this difficult decision" ( Booklist ).

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir, Biography, Death, Grief, Medical

352 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2016

About the author

Deborah Ziegler is the mother of right-to-die advocate Brittany Maynard. Maynard chose to end her life with drugs prescribed by her doctor on November 1, 2014 after suffering from a terminal brain tumor.

Ziegler is a former science teacher and currently speaks regarding end-of-life options hoping that all terminally ill Americans will have the right to aid in dying. She lives in Carlsbad, California with her husband.

Reviews

[Cheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Once one I loved lay down to die;

No power on earth had strength to save,
And when her soul went up on high

I planted sweet peas round her grave
To-night from out a thousand throats
To God a holy incense floats.
--Robert Kirkland Kernighan

Deborah Ziegler, Brittany Maynard's mother, says of this poem “Sweet Peas” (which I’ve only included a small part) “He writes about his loved one dying, and planting sweet peas around her grave. He imagines the sweet incense of their scent floating up to God. There are sweet peas in my garden now.”

In 2014, at the age of twenty-nine, Brittany Maynard is diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. An extraordinarily active and adventurous young woman, she’s brought to the hospital by her husband after suffering from an unusually severe debilitating headache. Her mother leaves to be by her side, none of them expecting the news that was eventually delivered in a clinically detached manner.

The chapters alternate between the “before” years and the “after” year, Brittany in her childhood, Brittany as a rebellious teen, and then Brittany after she receives the news. There are the years of struggles, and then there are the moments of dealing with the devastating news, the alternatives explored, and ultimately the refusal to spend her last days as “less than” herself.

“Pain that interrupted every conversation. Pain that pinched her brow. Pain that glazed over her eyes. Pain that robbed her of empathy. Pain that deprived her of sleep. Pain that she had borne for almost a year.”

Brittany’s last year of her life became a full bucket list of places to go and people to see, and also with a platform on facebook for her to talk about her frustrations with the system. At the time of her diagnosis only three states, Vermont, Oregon, and Washington, had passed “Death with Dignity” laws. In 2016, California was added, but too late for Brittany to stay in her home, and a husband with a job that allowed him only occasional visits. Heartbreaking for both.

“Wild and Precious Life is not a book about death, however. Instead, it is a book about a life well-lived.”

Death is a topic most of us prefer to avoid thinking about let alone talking about, but books like this make us realize how important it is to make decisions for ourselves about how we want to live out our last days – if for no other reason that it’s unfair to expect others to make those decisions, in their grieving.

As a mother, my heart goes out to Deborah Ziegler, as a mother of a daughter whose ages are six months apart, my heart broke a thousand times reading about her daughter's life. Chronic pain as a way of life is exhausting, debilitating, yes, but draining beyond words. It broke my heart every time her mother complained that Brittany would pull herself together for "friends" or "company" and not understand that it took everything from her to do that.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? – Mary Oliver, “The Summer Day”


Pub Date: 1 Nov 2016

Many thanks for the ARC provided by Atria Books, NetGalley and Deborah Ziegler

[Taryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brittany Maynard was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in early 2014. She chose to die on her own terms in Oregon, one of the three US states that had enacted "Death with Dignity" legislation (California became the fourth in 2016). She used her situation as a platform to advocate for the rights of other terminally ill patients. In Wild & Precious Life, Deborah Ziegler writes about the daughter she loved so fiercely and the rocky path of coming to terms with a difficult reality.

My daughter did the best she could. I’m rock solid in that truth. She tried so hard to do what was right. This idea sounds simple, but it is not. Look around at those who disappoint you, hurt you. Are they doing the best they can? Are you? Does it make us feel safer to think our best is better than theirs? Now look at those who are terminally ill. Are they doing their best? How dare we judge them? How dare we tell them how they ought to die? How dare we impose our beliefs on them? How dare we try to manipulate them into fighting when they have no more fight left?

The chapters alternate between Brittany's life before diagnosis and her life after diagnosis. Ziegler introduces the reader to a complex young woman: compassionate, impulsive, adventurous, and moody. As Brittany's cancer progressed and the symptoms intensified, a perfect storm of tumor symptoms, medication side effects, and anxieties caused violent and angry outbursts. The mother-daughter relationship is also complex--close, but sometimes contentious. But no matter what, they always found their way back to each other.

What stood out most about Brittany is how much she wanted to live and how fully she lived in the little time she had. Brittany made her story public in hopes of educating the public and giving other terminally ill patients the same choice she had. While she had the flexibility and resources to move to Oregon, uprooting her life brought on its own hardships. Ziegler also describes the whirlwind of media attention when Brittany's story went viral, as well as the misrepresentations and hurtful backlash that followed. She writes about how the situation and cruel comments from others affected her own faith.

Sooner or later, people experience something in life that they can’t control. We can’t be good enough human beings, or do enough research, or buy enough stuff, to be secure. Security is an illusion. Natural occurrences in life happen randomly to all kinds of people. Sad, horrible, senseless tragedy strikes for apparently no reason. Every journey begins without hope. It just begins.

While searching for more about Brittany's story, I discovered that her husband Dan doesn't endorse this book (his Facebook post). He states that "the scenes from the last 10 months of Brittany’s life obviously reflect Deborah’s own opinions, concerns, and thoughts. Deborah’s book does not speak for Brittany and there are numerous passages that are inaccurate." I kept this in mind as I continued reading. Even without knowing any details, there are parts that I could see being heavily perspective based or events that someone might not want to be detailed for the public. However, I did find value in reading Brittany's story from the perspective of a mother whose every instinct fought against accepting what was happening. She discusses the lack of support and education for caregivers. Brittany's tumor was likely growing for a decade, so she reflects on whether there were earlier signs. Were Brittany's thrill-seeking behaviors, impulsiveness, and intense mood swings symptoms of the tumor? I was amazed at the remarkable way in which the brain is able to adapt.

I urge Americans to think for themselves. Make your wishes clear while you are competent. Make sure that you have all the options spelled out for you if you are diagnosed with an incurable, debilitating, painful disease. Do your own research. Ask your family to research and face the harsh reality with you. Ask your doctor to be brutally honest with you. Then make your personal choice about how you will proceed. It is YOUR choice.

Wild & Precious Life is about a mother's unconditional love and a family who was forced to come to terms with an impossible situation. No one is portrayed as perfect--they are all heartbreakingly human. Everyone did the best they could with the reality they were given. "We have lost sight of reality. All life ends. Death is not necessarily the enemy in all cases. Sometimes a gentle passing is a gift." Like When Breath Becomes Air, this book made me reflect on my own views of death and see how important it is to make these difficult decisions while one still can. This book also educated me about the regulations that are put in place to protect the terminally ill patients who are making end-of-life decisions. For more information about Brittany Maynard or Death with Dignity legislation: Brittany's opinion piece, the Brittany Maynard Fund, Death with Dignity FAQ.


____________
I received this book for free from NetGalley and Atria/Emily Bestler Books in exchange for an honest review. This does not affect my opinion of the book or the content of my review. The publication date is November 1, 2016.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

With tenderness and honesty, Ziegler tells the story of her daughter Brittany Maynard’s life and death. Diagnosed with a massive brain tumor at age 29, Brittany chose to move to Oregon and end her life in November 2014 using the state’s Death with Dignity Act. Assisted dying is a controversial subject, but no matter your views I think you will be touched by this grieving mother’s tribute to her daughter. The book rather elegantly alternates chapters from Brittany’s medical journey toward death with chapters about her earlier life. Each is headed with the dates and Brittany’s age at the time, so it is easy to follow the chronology. What I most admired about Ziegler’s account is that she does not have her rose-tinted glasses on. This memoir could easily have become mawkish but instead remains dignified: well-structured, balanced, and nicely written. I can highly recommend it to anyone with an interest in the topic.

See my full review at The Bookbag.

[Deborah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having lost an adult daughter to cancer in 2007, I thought this book would be a real tear-jerker for me as I relived the time of her illness, death and aftermath. Curiously, not one tear fell. Perhaps it was because I couldn't really relate. We didn't have the means to do the things that Ziegler and her daughter did. Perhaps I was a little jealous of all the experiences they shared as they traveled and spent time together. Perhaps Ziegler's way of expressing her grief was so different than mine that it made me wonder if I had done it right.

I did appreciate the central theme of the book, however--that terminally ill people have the right to choose a dignified death. Would my daughter have chosen to end her life prematurely if given that option? I don't know. Would I choose it for myself? Yes.

Ziegler writes eloquently and honestly about her child and the most dreaded loss that every parent fears. I couldn't help wondering if Brittany's angry outbursts were always the result of her brain tumor or if sometimes they were just the tantrums of a spoiled and privileged child. Whatever the cause, she was certainly entitled to feel angry about her life being cut short, but the way she treated her mother, stepdad and husband at times made it hard to maintain a feeling of compassion toward her.

I do admire Brittany's strength in standing up to doctors and making her own choices and fighting for others to be able to do the same. I hope that writing this book was a healing experience for her mother. And I hope that Brittany's story will lead more states to consider death with dignity laws.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

A memoir that was brilliantly done by a mother who is still grieving.

Full review to come.

5 stars.

[Jessica Russell · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe a lot of people are going to get mad at me for this, but I don't understand the mother doing this. I know there was a lot of controversy about this topic, because it involves the Death with Dignity movement, and I understand people are divided on whether doctor assisted suicide is appropriate or not. However, my review has nothing to do with the issue or with people on both sides of the issue spouting hate at each other over it. I'm kind of over that stuff with ANY issue. People believe what they believe for a reason. Having SAID that, I understand now why Britney's husband made the statement he made on Facebook about how Britney asked him to be the only one to tell her story and that she didn't want her mother doing it. The mother makes Britney sound like a spoiled brat all through this book. Like someone who essentially has a personality disorder and is nasty and abusive to her family. Far from the angelic, loving person described in People magazine back when all this was happening. I can't imagine writing a narrative like that about your deceased daughter even if it was true. That's just me.

And if she was spoiled (the mother mentions over and over and over again in these memoirs about how she paid for everything for Britney and sent her on any trip she wanted and paid for any college she wanted etc. etc.) Who spoiled her? I mean seriously, if she was that entitlement-minded, why did she turn out that way? I'm not saying that it's always the parent's fault if a child grows up with a sense of the world owing them everything, but this mother openly admitted that she pretty much gave her whatever she wanted and then writes this somewhat negative memoir about her behavior and her selfishness. I just don't get it.

Apparently all the legal statements that Britney made in the papers filled out and trusting her husband and only her husband to tell her story didn't help her anyway, because I can see that that book was published in 2016, not long after Britney died, and it's obviously still available because I just read it. I feel bad for her husband who said on FB that he promised Britney he would not let this happen, but apparently the law is not doing much to help him keep the promise, so his hands are tied.

Finally, regardless of where you stand on the issue, I think anybody would have to agree that if you make the poster child for this cause a highly unlikable person in your memoirs, aren't you hurting her cause posthumous? I don't know, I just have all kinds of questions about why this book was written.

[Nanci · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hard book to complete. Emotionally draining. While as a nurse I recognize many of Brittany's negative behaviors could be symptoms of her disease process, it also seemed that some of those behaviors presented way too early in her life to be excused by that, making me feel like a few others that she was spoiled or had an over-active sense of entitlement, and that she desperately needed limits set by those in her life. Because of this, the story, while important to understand why those supporters of physician assisted death may feel as they do, instead felt like a long story of co-dependence that I wanted to escape from, but felt obligated to finish to complete the perspective I think the mother was trying to present on the issue.

[MKF]

As a supporter of the Death with Dignity movement this book is recommended a lot on the movement's facebook page. I am actually torn about this book and due to will not give it a star rating. This was an emotional read that captures you from the beginning and makes it hard to put down. The only thing I really disliked was that Brittany's mother kept mentioning how she paid the rent, expenses, trips, and her college education. To me it portrayed Brittany a bit as spoiled or that to the mom money is important.
Why am I really torn then? According to a post from Brittany's husband this book goes against Brittany's wishes. She did not want her mother to tell her story at all she wanted her husband too. He goes on to say that parts of this book is inaccurate and 'it does not appropriately tell the story of Brittany Maynard.' Due to this post I now find this book harder to accept.
In the end I can only say that this book does address a problem that needs fixed. Terminally ill people should have the right to die when they choose in all states. This book also addresses the pain of being a mother to a terminally ill child and the heartache of losing them.

[Meredith Michaels · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sorry, didn't like it at all. Read it before you judge me about that. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who has serious curiosity about why this book was written. It didn't read to me like it was about doctor assisted suicide and people fighting for that right if they're terminally ill. That's kind of how the book is described. This felt to me like a rant of an abused mother. Almost as if she was determined to tell the world how much she put up with. Maybe the daughter really was as horrible as she's depicted in this book, but I still don't understand why you would put your child in such a negative light, especially if you're trying to advance your cause for the whole death with dignity movement. It's almost like she was cleverly alluding to the fact that oh gee maybe it's the brain tumor making her act like this, yet she made a very clear point many times to say that Brittney was a little monster before the brain tumor and that she was more or less always a nasty person. If you think I'm exaggerating, read it. She says several times in the book very plainly that Brittany only targeted her husband and her mother with a hefty level of abuse and then could suddenly control herself in front of friends. I still remember that sweet little angelic girl on the cover of People magazine that everyone described as the most kind considerate person in the world. Well, she had to be one or the other. Because she couldn't be the person her mother wrote about and the person People magazine wrote about because they're completely different people. And if you control your rage and abuse in front of friends and acquaintances, but don't control it toward your own mother and actually beat her up at one point then I don't think it's the brain tumor causing that. Maybe this mother was just fed up with the abuse she took from this girl her whole life or maybe she made it up. I really don't think she made it up. I think this is exactly how Brittney acted and I think this is why Brittney took great legal pains to try to prevent her mother from ever writing about her, up to an including releasing a postumous statement that her mother had no right to tell her story. Well, it's a free country, this mother can write her memoirs if she wants to, but I guarantee you this will do nothing to further Brittney's cause because she made Brittney very unlikable. I didn't feel any sympathy for her, but in a way I didn't feel any sympathy for the mother either because she wrote such a nasty narrative about her child. I just don't get it. I kind of don't get the whole book. If it's not showcasing how awful Britney treated her and her husband, it's showcasing how many wads of money they had to throw around. That was another thing that earned it one star for me. I got so tired of hearing about how they went on this luxury vacation and tthat luxury vacation and the other luxury vacation and then they rented a fancy house here in the states to throw a party and then they rented another fancy house over here for a fsmily getaway and then they rented a whole Winery to have a wedding during peak wine tour season because that's what Brittney stamped her foot and wanted. And her $5,000 wedding gown. It just seemed way over the top the way the mother talked about all the spending of money on luxury and more luxury. Maybe Brittney was just plain spoiled and that's why she turned out the way she did. This book was not at all what it sounds like. If you don't believe me just read it. I'm not saying this mother didn't love her daughter, but I don't get why this book was written. Britney's husband claims it doesn't depict her accurately, but I can't imagine a mother making all that up. Sorry, can't recommend it at all.

[Candy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a painful but important read.

[Alif Indiralarasati · Rating 5 out of 5]

For me, it's like minfdul comtemplation. Reading this book is such a blessing to (1) be in a good condition especially healthy enough, (2) be surounded with lovely and complete family member, (3) learn medicine. I am not in the same opinion with Brittany and her family about death with dignitiy, but as a soon to be a doctor, I learned that being empathy is the most important thing to do. A lot of disease, especially cancer, still has no cure. In this book, Brittany who suffered terminal ill astrocyte type glioblastoma stage 4, the most dangerous brain tumor, chose to die with dignity in Oregon. After her death, the California gov signed the bill to give patient act to choice how they will end their lives with some requirements. I can't be in the same train with them, because in my religion, Islam, our soul is Allah's. So birth, life, and death all of it is Allah's. We can't take our own life, it is clearly a sin. We have a task in this world to struggle whatever condition we are in, believe in Allah, and He know what is the best for us. But indeed, I still recommend you to read this book as it would give so many insight especially for you to see life in different way

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gripping and mostly well written, with some awkwardly written sentences. She gets repetitive in her sentimentality sometimes, which is understandable but got slightly tiring. I found I did not like Brittany very much from this telling, but I very much supported her decision. I was curious why her husband was so absent from the story, though my guess would be that Brittany was verbally abusive to him like she was to her mother, and the mom might've felt that wasn't her story to tell.

[Mary Beth Dye · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hard emotional read for me because I have a terminally ill child. It is the true story of Brittany Maynard who had a cancerous brain tumor and was dying. She chose to go to Oregon where she could die on her terms using the Death with Dignity Act. Her mother wrote the story of her life and her battle. An emotional read about end of life issues.

[Ida · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a big supporter of The Order of the Good Death and end of life planning, so this was right up my alley. Deborah’s recounting of Brittany’s last days on Earth and watching helplessly as she transitioned from her having mostly good days to mostly horrible ones was heartbreaking. It is a stark reminder that even if you’re as life-loving as Brittany, you genuinely don’t know what you would do when carrying a tumor half your age until you actually are.

I’ve been extremely lucky that none of my loved ones have had terminal illnesses, but I’m glad that Deborah doesn’t sugar coat the truth of being a caretaker of someone who does. I’ve been going through a rough patch of my own - of course nothing as terrible as this - and Gary comforting Deborah as she wonders if she has the touch of death and what else life could throw at her was absolutely inspiring and a mindset I am trying to get myself to adopt.

No matter what religion or beliefs you may hold, you should always have a choice. It may be different for everyone but everyone deserves their chance for a good death. I know Brittany never set out to be an advocate for the Death with Dignity program, but I am sure she is proud of what she and her mother have accomplished and how many of these good deaths they can be credited for. Rest in peace, Brittany.

[Lucy ralphs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wild and Precious Life

As I read this book I felt so many emotions. Most the time I felt sad, but It also made me feel grateful for how blessed I am. This book is a biography by Deborah Ziegler. It is all about what she went through when her daughter was diagnosed with a very large and ongoing brain tumor. Her daughter, Brittany Maynard decided it would be best if she had an assisted medical death.

I loved this book. It made me feel very blessed. It was very emotional. I liked the way Deborah Ziegler made her daughters life sound as full as possible. It was very detailed and seemed like Brittany lived a very full life before she became ill.

I would recommend this book to any person who loves to hear about others lives and learn lessons from them. This book used a few harsh or bad words so I don't think anybody that feels uncomfortable with swearwords should read this. I loved this book and I would recommend it to anyone who wants a good detailed book.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ziegler makes a compelling argument for allowing terminally ill patients the right to choose to end their lives with medical help before that life becomes intolerable. Her 29-year-old daughter Brittany was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. The tumor was very large, estimated having been in her system for approximately nine years before being discovered. It was also a very aggressive cancer that was inoperable with tentacles reaching deeply into the various parts of her brain, slowly destroying her. Brittany showed remarkable maturity in handling this grim situation and immediately made plans to end her life before the cancer took it over completely. To do that she had to move from California to Oregon to take advantage of the laws in that state that allowed her to make this very personal decision. In between the diagnosis and her death, Brittany took advantage of every day, living life to the fullest. Her mother, the author of this book, had a much harder time reconciling her wishes with her daughter’s, but she supported this decision as she had supported so many others. It is a though provoking book. I simply hope I am never in the position of having to make this decision or of having to watch someone I care about do so, but I do believe it is everyone’s right to decide when too much is too much.

[Joanne Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my third reading of this book, and my first rereading since my husband ended his life using medical aid in dying (in Colorado) in 2020. I feel even more compassion for Deborah Ziegler now than I did earlier, but my earlier reservations about Brittany's behavior did not lessen. I would love to know how Ziegler is doing today, nearly 7 years after her daughter's death.

First review:
I have great compassion for Deborah Ziegler, and like her daughter, I believe everyone should have the option of choosing "death with dignity." But like many other readers, I was quite put off by Brittany's cruel treatment of people who loved her. I understand that behavior could have been caused by her brain tumor in the latter stages of her illness, but her overly entitled, self-focused worldview revealed itself much earlier in her life.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was unfamiliar with Brittany's story before reading this book, and learning about her movement has been an eye opener. I am a nurse and a fervent supporter of the assisted-death movement. This memoir, told through the eyes of Brittany's mother was beautifully written. It's conversational manner kept my interest and made it hard for me to put it down. So many emotions are conveyed through this book. While it is clearly a promotion of the MAID movement, it doesn't feel like an advertisement. The images and honesty of this book are truly beautiful. I learned a lot from this book, in addition to enjoying it very much. Highly recommended.

My only qualm is that it would have been wonderful to hear more of Dan's story; perhaps he will write a volume as well?

[Leila Botsford · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being a mother, I can only imagine the pain the author has gone through. The journey of reading this book was heartbreaking at times and sometimes funny, yet there were a few times that I felt the author was a little narcissistic. Just my thought. Again, I cannot imagine what she has gone through. I also found it a little odd that Brittany's husband was barely mentioned and not even mentioned in the last chapter or acknowledgements. I get the feeling that Brittany's husband and the author are not on good terms. Regardless of all this, the book reinforced my belief that terminally ill people should be given the choice when to end their lives.

[Lou · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cried, laughed, then cried alot more.
A beautifully written memoir/ tribute.
One that I read deep into the night not able to put down.

[Kathy Graybill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a true story from the viewpoint of the mother of Brittany Maynard, who moved to Oregon in order to be able to die by physician-assisted suicide. It is a story that shows both the brighter side of Brittany growing up and then the torment that she went through as the brain cancer consumed her.

The story is well-written. I have a better understanding of why Brittany decided to do what she did at the age of 29.

[Carmen Shea Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ever since I read the article in People Magazine, I've been intrigued by Brittany Maynard's story. This is not easy to read, but at the same time it's hard to put down. Regardless of how you feel about the Death with Dignity law, this book is a poignant, brutally honest account of what families dealing with terminal illness have to endure.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an emotional biography, but was well written and I recommend reading this book.
Written by the mother of a 29 year old woman with terminal brain cancer . Brittany decided to move to Oregon so she had the ability to end her life on her terms .
Although this is a very controversial option, out nation and the world have to come to terms with patient rights concerning this matter.

[Crystal]

Assigning stars to this book just doesn't feel right, so here are my thoughts. It is a beautiful and emotionally written memoire about a topic I can not even fathom living through. Deborah did a wonderful job trying to show vulnerability and authenticity, which I greatly appreciate. Its a hard book to read, but definitely worth it.

[Tracy Schillemore · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was hard to read. I suppose it was even harder reading it as a mother. The story chronicles the death of a young woman from her mother's perspective. There were times it was a little dry and their were things in it that were hard to read. I got a little teary eyed at the end.

[Kelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read. Brittany's mother writes as if you are part of the family going through this with them. Had this read in less than 2 weeks

[Susan Waltman · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who lost a spouse to terminal illness, I wanted to see how another family handles it. I think we should all have the right to a peaceful death.

[ananasparachute · Rating 3 out of 5]

I hesitated with how to write this review. Firstly, Brittney is gone, and not here to defend herself. Secondly, I've never (heaven forbid) had to watch my child suffer and die with a horrific illness. Third, I have no idea what it's like (again, heaven forbid) to be a single parent working full time and trying to raise a strong-willed teenager.
All that said, I have several thoughts about this book that may come across as harsh. If the author or anyone from the family is reading this, I do apologize- this is based on my impressions, nothing more, and I realize I could be very wrong.
Of course, I had heard about Brittney and her fight for a medically assisted death in the press, as it had significant worldwide coverage. I firmly agree with her that we should all have the option to refuse treatment and hasten death if we are facing a terminal illness , with no hope for meaningful survival. Thankfully, in Canada and in much of the states, due to Brittany and others like her, it has been legalized.
This book gave an in-depth, painful, raw account of Deborah Ziegler coming to terms with her daughter's decision to end her life in the wake of an incurable brain tumour. Alternating chapters flash back to Deborah's memories of her life with Brittany, starting when Brittany was born.
My first thought was that their mother-daughter relationships had the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship; Brittany is called a "Velcro child" by a friend as she literally embraces her mom so tightly , and also because she is constantly with and reluctant to be separated from her mother. That's normal in toddlerhood, but this goes on as Brittany is in elementary school. I got the impression that Deborah had a lot of guilt about having to work full time, being divorced 2x, and Brittney's father not visiting her,so tried so hard to compensate by giving Brittany everything she could. Any parent wants to do that, but I think in this case, it got to the point where Brittany was extremely entitled. Deborah caves on pretty much everything Brittney wants, especially in her teens (the expensive Catholic high school, a car, etc etc), and as a result, Brittney, who is strong willed and incredibly bright, appears to be ruling the roost at home. Deborah feels she can't marry Gary, her boyfriend of five years, for example, because when Brittney was a preteen, she said she never wanted her mother to get married again. Of course, Deborah was reluctant to bring a stepdad into Brittney's turbulent teen years, but this went beyond that- she doesn't marry Gary until Brittney gives her the green light.
Brittney is a very rebellious and extremely disrespectful teenager. I disagree that she was having
"normal" teen rebellion; my mom and I locked horns in my teens, as did many of my friends, that is part of the developmental process- but I never would have talked that way to my mom, neither would my friends. I wouldn't have gotten away with it, for one. Deborah seems like a punching bag for Brittney.
Deborah decides , via her therapist, to allow Brittney to take her GED, and go to community college before University, bypassing the last couple years of high school due to a severe case of mono and Brittney's emotional struggles at school. Brittney works part time, but it's clear that Deborah pays for everything. She threatens to take away Brittney's car when she refuses to wear her seatbelt, but she doesn't. Brittney's breezy "just so you know.." instead of asking permission drives Deborah crazy, but she doesn't enforce it, letting Brittney basically do what she wants.
Deborah tries to explain Brittney's behaviour by referring to the changes the brain tumour had wrought in her personality, but to be honest, it seemed to me Brittney was following the same trajectory she started out with in childhood- she just became less inhibited with brain cancer. It got to the point where Brittney had to move out at age 16, as she was so disrespectful and verbally abusive. Deborah, again, is left holding the bag and paying her daughter's rent.
Deborah pays for Brittney's college- three times. She pays rent on apartments for Brittney, including securing one out for 2 months before Brittney even lives there, because Brittney wants to go to Costa Rica. I was flabbergasted. Firstly, that they had that kind of money (California isn't cheap!) and second, that Brittney continued to sail on the gravy train her mom and stepdad gave her. Brittney changes her career path several times up until she's 28..and her parents continue to foot the bill. I could see for her undergrad, maybe even grad school, but beyond that, it would have served her to
stand on her own for a while.
Brittney takes a whirlwind of trips around the world while being in school. She's a daredevil and an adventure seeker. Again, Deborah wonders if this was due to her slow growing tumour. I think it may have enhanced her impulsiveness, but she was the same as she had been long ago, before she had brain cancer. Brittney's boyfriend, Cash, breaks up with her after saying he can never do enough to make her happy. Deborah thinks Brittney's dissatisfaction and looking for something outside herself to make her happy is from her tumour impairing her brain. I think we can look back at the pattern of Brittney's early life, where she is basically given her every whim and financially supported to do whatever outrageous idea she has next, and see where that comes from. It was especially telling that Deborah gives Brittney her vehicle, outright, so she didn't have to walk in the rain as a nanny, and Deborah got a new vehicle. Brittney is an adult at this point.
It's tempting to spoil your child. I know, because I do it myself. Part of me wants to pay for everything for my kid when they're an adult, so they don't have to face the cruelty of the real world. But doing that wouldn't be doing them any favours. Again, I'm not a single parent and didn't go through with Deborah did, so am not judging her- this is an observation.
My biggest jaw drop was when Brittney's parents give her a large sum of money to use as she wants for her wedding, which is becoming more and more elaborate. Deborah states they won't give in to the extravagance- but also adds that the bride's family usually fits the bill. Maybe traditionally, but that norm has changed, and Brittney is in her late 20s. her fiance in his late 30's. I think they could have been expected to foot the bill, for the most part, themselves. Brittney doesn't thank her parents for the gift. When she is listing all she has to pay for, Deborah says she can use the money however she wants, and Brittney scoffs; "That was gone long ago." What? What a slap in the face!! I think I would have told her to pay it back after that. Brittney and her fiance, Dan, somehow pay for an elaborate wedding in Sonoma, CA (expensive) and Brittney's haute couture dress. (I can only imagine). Brittney has itinerant teaching and nannying jobs, so I wonder where the money is coming from.
When Brittney is taken to hospital and awaiting results , she talks already about how she wants to go to Oregon to die, before she finds anything else out. Maybe it was a premonition, or the medication talking, but she is insistent on this before it's confirmed that she is terminal. She keeps ruminating on going to Oregon to die and tells everyone over and over again, not considering how it's making them feel, getting angry when her mother cries. Again, this could be due to changes in her brain- but that attitude was there before. It's just amplified with lower inhibition now. It honestly seemed to me that Brittney had made up her mind that she wanted to have a medically assisted death before she even got the true prognosis.
After Brittney's craniotomy , she becomes obsessed with death, organ donation, and surgeries. She gets furious with her mother when her mother is very shaken and upset by Brittney discussing eye and other organ donation in a restaurant. She yells at her mother and stepdad when they ask her not to play graphic craniotomy videos during dinner time and to give them a short break from it. Brittney lashes out and - they apologize after she leaves for home in a huff. What? It's far from unreasonable to ask someone not to play graphic surgical procedures at the dinner table. I know they are worried about her, that they don't have much time left, and that Brittney's inhibitions are lower, but that doesn't mean you should cave to that behaviour and accept it.
I think it was very telling that Brittney was able to control and modulate her emotions around her friends, but not her parents or husband. While it's true that people tend to lash out at those they know won't leave, it showed that she did have control over what she said and did to some degree and wasn't totally compromised.
Brittney gets a home in Oregon (that her family pays for. I can kind of see it at this point, but..). She's bound and determined she will have an assisted death. I've got to say, I admire Brittany's tenacity, eloquence, and cool head when making those decisions- but it seemed like she jumped the gun a bit at first before she even knew for sure the tumour would kill her. It was like she became obsessed with death.
That's where most of the horrific, painful to read passages come in. Brittney calls her mother a selfish c u next tuesday, among other things.. Brittney rains blows on her mother's head until her stepdad and husband have to hold her back. Brittney screams that she doesn't want her mom to be there when she dies. She berates her husband and tells her mother she wants to divorce him. I know she's facing end of life and all that goes with it, but I was relieved when Deborah finally got the heck out dodge after Brittney rampantly abuses her. Deborah at this point has been driven to thoughts of taking her own life.
They reconcile, but Brittney gives strict instructions about how people can act when she's dying: no crying at all. Keep reading poetry. She makes Deborah promise she won't cry. I mean, I can see not wanting crying, but that's your mother. It's like she has lost all empathy and can't see from any one else's perspective, it's 100% about her. I know steroids , Dilaudid, and brain injury itself can cause these behaviours, but as I've said a few times before, Brittney was like this from the start. It's just that she has zero filters now and the added brain injury/drug side effects.
Brittney's written words are oddly incongruent with her spoken ones; they're loving, clear, and intelligent. I guess the part of her brain that controlled her writing was not as compromised as the one that governed speech- maybe. Brittney tells her mother and stepdad to go to Machu Pichu after she dies, and she will meet them there. The family spends time flying back and forth between Oregon and California, and Brittney complains that's not enough. I can't even imagine how a family without their financial means could handle this. I don't think they would have been able to do nearly as much as the Ziegler-Diaz families did. More power to them for having the resources, but it doesn't show a realistic path for others wanting to pursue death with dignity in another location.
Brittney finally passes peacefully, when she said she would, on Nov. 1, 2014.
Dan Diaz, Brittney's widowed husband, was troubled by Deborah's books and released a very carefully worded and respectful statement on social media saying that Brittney had made him promise that he would be the only one to tell her story, and that she knew it would be the hardest to get past her mother in that regard. While I agree that far too many imposters and news outlets were using her image without permission-she or Dan can't prevent her parents from giving their perspective on her life and their life with her. Or, they shouldn't prevent it, anyway. Dan says that there are several inaccuracies in the book, especially surrounding Brittney's final days. I don't think he could possibly know that, as a lot of the interactions took place when he wasn't there. I think it was probably very painful for him to read it (if he did) and he probably didn't like that she was cast in quite a negative light in most of the book.
But, that's Deborah's reality about the journey with her daughter. Only she can speak to that. I don't think it's problematic that she wrote it.
Brittney was also going from one extreme to another in her opinions near the end of her life; ie. saying she wanted to divorce Dan, she didn't want her mother there at her death, etc. She may have just made that statement when she was very angry with her mother. Or when her inhibitions were down and she wasn't thinking entirely logically. We will never know.
I think, at heart, Brittney was a complex person like any one of us. I'm stubborn and strong willed myself. I haven't always had the greatest interactions with those I care about, either, like most people. Brittney was a bright, talented, motivated woman whose life was cut too short. I think that Deborah was/is still ironing out their very push-pull relationship, and writing this was likely cathartic.
As an aside, I find it despicable that so many conservatives, including the Vatican, weighed in on her decision and called it reprehensible and morally wrong. The Vatican is king of sticking its' nose in where it doesn't belong, and this was a prime example. Not only was Brittney and her family non-Catholic, but the Vatican has zero say over USA legislation. They can't impose their version of morality on everyone else. I liked how Deborah made a statement declaring just that.
I know MAID (medical assistance in dying) in Canada, while legal, is still hotly contested, and every born-again Christian and Catholic seemed to be protesting and trying to block it. It's similar to the abortion issue (in fact, MAID is having a webinar soon talking about the parallels between the two.). I think no one should stand between a person and their decision to end their life in the face of a painful , horrendous death and/or an incurable disease, or whether to end a pregnancy or not. These are deeply personal decisions and often very difficult ones to make. People don't need religions chiming in on what they should or shouldn't do- especially when they don't even follow them.I think it's more "reprehensible" that the Vatican slammed Brittney and her family and tried to cause them some sort of existential guilt over her ending her life. I always say, we're far more merciful to our dying pets than people in many cases.
I commend Deborah for writing this book. I can't imagine how difficult this was for her, to relive all those painful memories. I don't mean to lower the boom on her: I can't say I would have been any better with my child. It was just worth pointing out that Brittney's complex and often negative behaviour at end of life seemed to follow her life's pattern that had been set in motion long ago.I also don't mean to disrespect her memory.
The book is well written and touching. My critique would be that the travel experiences and memories filled up too much of it so that it almost sounded like a brochure, but that's not my call to make; the author decides what memories to include. It also doesn't seem like they check their tremendous financial privileges, which can get annoying, as it's clear they are wealthier than the average North American. There's nothing wrong with being wealthy, but more of a disclosure that this isn 't everyone's reality, other than briefly touching on it, would have been ideal. I find too many books written by relatively wealthy people are like that, and it gets tiresome. I've often said that I'd love to read a tale like this where the people in it are of modest financial means, or less. But I suppose that most people struggling financially may not have the time, inclination, or means to write a book.
This is a very difficult read, but definitely one I recommend. I couldn't put it down once I started reading. I hope Deborah, Dan, Gary and all Brittney's family and friends are taking solace in the legacy that she has left the world.

[RainLady777 · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is HORRIBLE. I can't understand why this book was written. SO much bothers me here. I always read a book if Jessica recommends it but in this case, she said DON'T. So of course, I had to, just to see what she was warning me about. I am, quite frankly, sorry I read it. HOW can a mother write something like this about her daughter who died from a brain tumor? SPOILER ALERT******

I now see why Brittany's husband released a statement when this book was in the making that said Brittany did not want it written and even text her mother toward the end of her life warning her not to do it or her husband would release her statement. Apparently she even tried legal measures to ensure this wouldn't happen, but I guess you can't stop a parent from writing memoirs. It's a free country. But that does not excuse the author from going against her daughter's dying wishes. This is not a book about Brittany fighting for the right to die with dignity (doctor assisted suicide.) This is a mother telling the world how awful her daughter was.

I understand that if Brittany truly was the horrible, narcissistic, selfish, nasty, abusive daughter/wife she is painted as in this book, that her mother may want to get that off her chest. Kind of like a Mommy Dearest novel in reverse. BUT...to write this about your daughter after she dies of a brain tumor, even if it's true, to me, is unconscionable. This is not a loving memoir about losing a daughter to brain cancer. This is a book-length rant about a daughter who was apparently suffering from bi-polar, aggressive personality disorder, or some kind of sociopathic mental disease. She is held in such poor light by her mother that in the end, when she took the fatal dose of medicine, I could feel hardly any sympathy for her. You really have to work hard to make someone feel unsympathetic toward a 29 year old with a fatal tumor. But this author did it well. Even though I could barely feel bad for Brittany I STILL can't believe a parent would write something like this about her child.

Right down to mentioning that she was abusive to her mother, step father and husband, but turned it off like a switch when friends showed up. Kind of does away with the theory that the brain tumor caused the aggression. She is also described as being mean even to her dog when she was a child, and being pretty much hateful to her mother on and off her whole life. It was also annoying to constantly hear about wads of cash being thrown around on expensive schools, apartments, trips, house rentals, etc for a girl described as an ungrateful brat who changed her mind about careers every two seconds after the parents paid for expensive colleges. The author even made sure to tell readers that Brittany demanded an expensive wedding in wine country during peak season but was utterly ungrateful for yet another wad of cash thrown at her for THAT. This is necessary WHY? In a book that is suppose to chronicle her health tragedy and her fight for end-of-life choices. If you want to promote a cause, making the poster child for that cause sound like the spawn of the devil is not too swift.

She even made sure to write about how her husband warned Brittany's then-fiancée that she was difficult and nasty and "Are you sure you want to do this, Dan?" No redeeming value for that at all. It added nothing to the book but to make you hate Brittany even more.

It is also eerily bizarre that she writes this book as if Brittany's husband was not there. Literally, like he was not there. Like "Oh, yeah, she married Dan Diaz, but he was busy working when all this was happening. " That is not an exact quote but that is EXACTLY how it was betrayed. (Her husband has denied this many times.) The author even said that Brittany demanded that she get her a lawyer to divorce Dan so she wouldn't "die married to him." Yet Brittany had legal papers drawn up stating that Dan was the ONLY one she wanted telling her story and did not want her mother doing it. Hmmmm.

This author claims all through the book that she loved her daughter to pieces, which really leaves you wondering if there is some illness with HER mind. You don't typically say "Oh, I love this person so much, let me tell you how horrible and abusive she is!" NOTHING made sense in this book. If I could give it zero stars I would.

[Vida · Rating 4 out of 5]

Certainly a heartfelt account of a mother losing her daughter to brain cancer and grappling with her daughter's decision to choose death with dignity. I liked that it went back in forth in time, looking at their past life in addition to her illness. I liked that despite her deep love for her daughter, she didn't hold back in talking about her challenging aspects of her personality, times of challenge in their relationship, and her impulsive behavior.

I was slightly annoyed that Deborah would mention the "nurse" vs. "the male nurse," every single time they had a male nurse (yet the nurse without a gender mentioned was always female). I also found it a bit annoying that she could not recount one positive experience with her health care providers and felt the need to mention in detail any short comings in nurse or doctor that she felt she witnessed. It seems in general she put an awful lot of hope in health care and judged health care harshly. Even when they had a Portland health care team, she still was always unable to say anything favorable about the care they received, including palliative care. She also, in my opinion, put all the work of death on to the health care team (in saying that they were not helped navigate the end well). While health care can certainly help people die (Brittany wasn't on hospice, who are often the ones who do that, though Deborah also didn't seem impressed by her experience of her father on hospice either and mentioned they still didn't do a good job preparing them for death), every single one of us is born and will die. To put all the work of death onto healthcare seems a bit much to me. "In the end, it seemed to me that each family was left to deal with death essentially on their own--no matter how their loved one was dying. My father was on hospice care for a year, and I felt just as alone and in the dark with him--though in a completely different way. It occurred to me that no matter how we die in the American medical system, not enough is being done to educate us on the process." She also mentions that after he daughter's death she reads an account online of a man who lost his wife to cancer, and said that that was the first account she had read that captured some of the chaos and pain of caring for someone near the end. I find it unlikely that she actually went looking for these types of accounts, because they are not uncommon, and are often written very articulately. Deborah also spent at one point 8 hours a day researching medical treatment options for her daughter online and calling hospitals. Yet she didn't seem to put that same energy and devotion into educating herself on the dying process, or the challenges of worsening symptoms in brain cancer patients toward the end of life. I think shifting all the responsibility for death to the medical system is a bit much. I understand she is a grieving mother, but it doesn't seem that time and healing has afforded her any insight, as it seems to have in so many other aspects of reflecting and writing this story. I also felt toward the end it dragged with details a little too much. I think the reader got the point about Brittany's impulsive behavior in the years leading up to diagnosis without needing to detail every impulsive trip and behavior. I also began wondering at one point who was funding all of these trips, because Brittany wasn't really working and she was taking a lot of trips around the world.

Overall, a very good, heartfelt account of a mother losing her daughter and the pain and challenges of that, in the setting of brain cancer, while supporting her daughter in her choice to use death with dignity.