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Shakespeare's Insults: Educating Your Wit
The sharpest stings ever to snap from the tip of an English-speaking tongue are here at hand, ready to be directed at the knaves, villains, and coxcombs of the reader's choice. Culled from 38 plays, here are the best 5,000 examples of Shakespeare's glorious invective, arranged by play, in order of appearance, with helpful act and line numbers for easy reference, along with an index of topical scorn appropriate to particular characters and occasions.
336 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 1984
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
June 29, 2024
We all live in a world full of aggravations and the frustrating people who create those aggravations. Sometimes we just need to blow off a little steam and give these cretins what for. But why not do it with style? Forget the overused F word and it maternal intensifier, and let the Bard inspire your insults to a superior level of literacy.
That insufferable maitre d? He’s a Saucy eunuch
Your uncle spouting QAnon nonsense? Just another Motley-minded gentleman
Dealing with an incompetent braggart? Call him Triton of the minnows
That tattooed childling who just sneered Okay Boomer at you (even though you’re Gen X)? What does that Taffeta punk know anyhow!
Perhaps you are tired of the traditional barbs insulting someone’s parentage? Try insulting their offsprings instead — call them a Breeder of sinners
Or maybe you do want to bring their parents into it, but with style — try Thou slanderer of thy mother’s heavy womb
And don’t forget dear old dad! Thou loathed issue of thy father’s loins
Need to express your absolute disgust? Pick one of these:
You Foul indigested lump
You Fat and greasy citizen
You Puke-stocking
You Embossed carbuncle
Fed up with those basic boys at the gym? They’re just Bacon-fed knaves
Even when you want to be ambiguous (are they being playful, or insulting?) Shakespeare has you covered: Thou naughty varlet
Shakespeare’s Insults isn’t designed as a book you can just read through. It’s little more than large collections of insults (like those above) in one section, and another section breaking them down by plays and giving slightly more context. Put it in your water closet, on your bed stand, or coffee table, so you or your guests can thumb through it for the best insults wit can devise.
That insufferable maitre d? He’s a Saucy eunuch
Your uncle spouting QAnon nonsense? Just another Motley-minded gentleman
Dealing with an incompetent braggart? Call him Triton of the minnows
That tattooed childling who just sneered Okay Boomer at you (even though you’re Gen X)? What does that Taffeta punk know anyhow!
Perhaps you are tired of the traditional barbs insulting someone’s parentage? Try insulting their offsprings instead — call them a Breeder of sinners
Or maybe you do want to bring their parents into it, but with style — try Thou slanderer of thy mother’s heavy womb
And don’t forget dear old dad! Thou loathed issue of thy father’s loins
Need to express your absolute disgust? Pick one of these:
You Foul indigested lump
You Fat and greasy citizen
You Puke-stocking
You Embossed carbuncle
Fed up with those basic boys at the gym? They’re just Bacon-fed knaves
Even when you want to be ambiguous (are they being playful, or insulting?) Shakespeare has you covered: Thou naughty varlet
Shakespeare’s Insults isn’t designed as a book you can just read through. It’s little more than large collections of insults (like those above) in one section, and another section breaking them down by plays and giving slightly more context. Put it in your water closet, on your bed stand, or coffee table, so you or your guests can thumb through it for the best insults wit can devise.
October 2, 2009
A few choice insults I learned from the Bard:
Truly thou art damned, like an ill-roasted egg, all on one side.
God help thee, shallow man! God make incision in thee, thou art raw!
I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways. Therefore tremble and depart.
Thou art poison to my blood.
O disloyal thing, thou heap'st a year's age on me!
Whore-son caterpillars!
Bacon-fed knaves!
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whore-son obscene greasy tallow-catch!
I never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire.
You whore-son upright rabbit!
Wedded be thou to the hags of hell.
[Your:] horrid image doth unfix my hair.
You Banbury cheese!
You breathe in vain.
Thy lips rot off!
Were I like thee, I'd throw away myself.
Mend my company, take away thyself.
He has not so much brain as ear-wax.
Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive.
Fie, fie, what tediosity and disinsanity is here among ye!
Give me your hand. I can tell your fortune. You are a fool.
What's here? The portrait of a blinking idiot, presenting me a schedule!
Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life.
[Your:] face is not worth sun-burning.
Thou wilt be as valiant as the wrathful dove, or most magnanimous mouse.
Thou disease of a friend!
His brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.
Methinks thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.
Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!
You are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face.
I had rather be married to a death's head with a bone in his mouth.
[You are:] an index and prologue to the history of lust and foul thoughts.
More of your conversation would infect my brain.
Blasts and fogs upon thee!
I'll carbonado your shanks.
O thou side-piercing sight!
Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
The most infectious pestilence upon thee!
..........
Shakespeare's Insults: Educating Your Wit is, as you may have guessed, an index of Shakespeare's best insults. The book is divided into three parts:
(1) Lists of brief insults ('valiant flee', 'soused gurnet', 'foolish compounded clay-man', 'misbegotten divel', etc. -- excellent for name-calling purposes)
(2) Insults listed by play (in many cases, the best insults come from the lesser known plays)
(3) Longer insults for particular occasions, such as Foul Emanations (Shakespeare liked farting jokes!), Caterwauling, Windbaggery, etc.
Needless to say, there is some overlap between the various parts. Not all the insults listed are funny, and they do get a bit tedious after a while, but all the same I did have a good time skimming through the book on occasion, allowing myself to be entertained by and impressed with the tremendously varied profanities and curses the Bard came up with, and raising my eyebrows at some of the more baffling ones among them, such as 'Perge, perge; so it shall please you to abrogate scurrility' (?!?). My favourite of the lot was probably, 'You Banbury cheese!', which I can't see myself using in conversation any time soon but did give me a good chuckle.
My task for the next year is to leaf through the book every now and then and learn some of the more original insults and expletives by heart, to use when the occasion arises, so that I, too, can, as the editors of the book say, 'choose a richly coloured stone to throw, and in genuine generosity, make [my:] nemesis feel like somebody.' Because let's face it -- if someone were to use the insults listed above to your face, you'd feel special, right?
Either that, or you'd just laugh at them. Hard.
Truly thou art damned, like an ill-roasted egg, all on one side.
God help thee, shallow man! God make incision in thee, thou art raw!
I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways. Therefore tremble and depart.
Thou art poison to my blood.
O disloyal thing, thou heap'st a year's age on me!
Whore-son caterpillars!
Bacon-fed knaves!
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whore-son obscene greasy tallow-catch!
I never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire.
You whore-son upright rabbit!
Wedded be thou to the hags of hell.
[Your:] horrid image doth unfix my hair.
You Banbury cheese!
You breathe in vain.
Thy lips rot off!
Were I like thee, I'd throw away myself.
Mend my company, take away thyself.
He has not so much brain as ear-wax.
Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive.
Fie, fie, what tediosity and disinsanity is here among ye!
Give me your hand. I can tell your fortune. You are a fool.
What's here? The portrait of a blinking idiot, presenting me a schedule!
Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life.
[Your:] face is not worth sun-burning.
Thou wilt be as valiant as the wrathful dove, or most magnanimous mouse.
Thou disease of a friend!
His brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.
Methinks thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.
Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!
You are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face.
I had rather be married to a death's head with a bone in his mouth.
[You are:] an index and prologue to the history of lust and foul thoughts.
More of your conversation would infect my brain.
Blasts and fogs upon thee!
I'll carbonado your shanks.
O thou side-piercing sight!
Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
The most infectious pestilence upon thee!
..........
Shakespeare's Insults: Educating Your Wit is, as you may have guessed, an index of Shakespeare's best insults. The book is divided into three parts:
(1) Lists of brief insults ('valiant flee', 'soused gurnet', 'foolish compounded clay-man', 'misbegotten divel', etc. -- excellent for name-calling purposes)
(2) Insults listed by play (in many cases, the best insults come from the lesser known plays)
(3) Longer insults for particular occasions, such as Foul Emanations (Shakespeare liked farting jokes!), Caterwauling, Windbaggery, etc.
Needless to say, there is some overlap between the various parts. Not all the insults listed are funny, and they do get a bit tedious after a while, but all the same I did have a good time skimming through the book on occasion, allowing myself to be entertained by and impressed with the tremendously varied profanities and curses the Bard came up with, and raising my eyebrows at some of the more baffling ones among them, such as 'Perge, perge; so it shall please you to abrogate scurrility' (?!?). My favourite of the lot was probably, 'You Banbury cheese!', which I can't see myself using in conversation any time soon but did give me a good chuckle.
My task for the next year is to leaf through the book every now and then and learn some of the more original insults and expletives by heart, to use when the occasion arises, so that I, too, can, as the editors of the book say, 'choose a richly coloured stone to throw, and in genuine generosity, make [my:] nemesis feel like somebody.' Because let's face it -- if someone were to use the insults listed above to your face, you'd feel special, right?
Either that, or you'd just laugh at them. Hard.
May 9, 2017
**3 STARS**
There are a few good ones that are well... I think everyone must know.
As I read the lines, I think it would be more enjoyable if I have read the books included. I mean, I think it would be better to be familiar with Shakespeare's works. :D
What I liked:
The insults could actually be used when you're pissed. HAHAHAHA. I mean, you can use it and just say that you're just quoting Shakespeare to avoid arguments or hurting other people's feelings. ;)
What I did not liked:
As I said a while ago, in my opinion, reading his books would be better before reading this for familiarity. Using his lines would be better especially when you really know the story of the particular work of his.
____________________
I think I will re-read this again and underline (with a pencil) the good ones.
September 29, 2009
I think the awesomeness of this book can be described simply from one of the many hilarious quotes from it: "Take thee to a nunery!"
June 7, 2023
⭐️⭐️
It’s okay though I wish it told us who said what insult to who.
It’s okay though I wish it told us who said what insult to who.
June 12, 2025
Very informative and helpful to my work in menacery indeed.🙂↕️
January 11, 2016
Methinks this is fab.
June 24, 2009
Everyone should know a few good ones.
December 1, 2014
Absolutely hilarious! In the Shakespeare festival of my school, my classmates chose lines from this and shouted them at each other. It was the funniest thing to watch backstage...
July 4, 2020
Not a study but a compendium of phrases and ideas -- "people need insults -- most people behave so abominably that they cry out for abuse" -- "abuse ids a form of attention and a little accommodating attention makes anyone feel human again." Puts the question to the reader how WS managed to see so much detail and rich material where others seem only to see outlines and cliches. A useful source for thinking about the import of being dressed down, humiliated, deflated and slapped back as a part of developing something like a humanistic vision.
December 5, 2020
I really wanted to like this book - it's a fun concept, full of great Shakespeare quotes. Unfortunately, this is just not the material for a book. This might work as a web-page, or a page-a-day calendar. But, sitting down and reading one Shakespeare insult after another, out of context, and including all the brief and banal ones, is really not that entertaining. In a format where I got a little dose at a time, I'd do that. Rereading this, definitely not.
June 2, 2021
I love this book. My friend and I will regularly pull out this book and insult each other with the weirdest ones we can find. I may mark it as read but you're really always in a perpetual state of reading. I feel like this book isn't really meant to be read like a normal book, beginning to end. Skip around have fun with it and best of all, insult someone.
January 4, 2024
Ready-to-use insults in different categories, e.g. General Abuse, Knavery and Villany, Expletives.
Examples:
goer-backward
dog-ape
foolish gnat
you quintessence of dust
Blasts and fogs upon thee!
Look, he's winding up the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike. (The Tempest)
Get thee to a nunnery. (Hamlet)
Examples:
goer-backward
dog-ape
foolish gnat
you quintessence of dust
Blasts and fogs upon thee!
Look, he's winding up the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike. (The Tempest)
Get thee to a nunnery. (Hamlet)
May 17, 2018
He clearly didn’t care for Whoresons.
September 30, 2018
It's a masterpiece. Lol.
August 23, 2019
This book is really silly and pointless, but it’s got some good ones to remember when you want a zinger to use on a friend. Most people would just look at you and have no idea what you said!
November 28, 2019
A vast treasury of material.
December 2, 2020
This book highlights some of Shakespeare's wittiest quips. I received it as a gift after having a party with my significant other where these quotes were shared aloud. Mass laughter ensued.
January 10, 2021
Comprehensive catalogue of sick Bard burns.
February 4, 2025
Not a good reference: the quotes are provided with no context: who said it to whom is completely left out.
The short section at the end was what I expected out of the entire book.
2 1/2 *
The short section at the end was what I expected out of the entire book.
2 1/2 *
February 19, 2014
Clever book, fun to use as a reference book. I was a bit mistaken in thinking it was a book about how to craft insults like Shakespeare's. It is actually just a listing of insults from Shakespeare's plays. That being said, though, it is pretty clever. It is well-organized as well.
The first section just lists the best names to call people: measureless liar, quintessence of dust, pigeon-liver, wretched slave with a body filled and vacant mind, dunghill groom, and king of codpieces.
It would be better, though, if it explained these names.
The middle section, and by far the largest, is a collection of insults organized by the play in which they are found. This can be an interesting resource as you were reading or teaching or watching that particular play.
The final section is a collection of insults organized by theme: disloyalty, "Thou disease of a friend!" or the insignificant, "So, my good window of lattice, fare thee well; thy casement I need not open, for I look through thee."
A fun book, although not exactly what I was expecting.
The first section just lists the best names to call people: measureless liar, quintessence of dust, pigeon-liver, wretched slave with a body filled and vacant mind, dunghill groom, and king of codpieces.
It would be better, though, if it explained these names.
The middle section, and by far the largest, is a collection of insults organized by the play in which they are found. This can be an interesting resource as you were reading or teaching or watching that particular play.
The final section is a collection of insults organized by theme: disloyalty, "Thou disease of a friend!" or the insignificant, "So, my good window of lattice, fare thee well; thy casement I need not open, for I look through thee."
A fun book, although not exactly what I was expecting.
November 25, 2007
This essential reference work could be improved by identifying the speaker and target for each insult. Still, this is a surprisingly heavy and hilarious treasure-trove. Organized initially by play, but with a handy subject index at the rear. Some of my favorites:
"I'll carbonado your shanks!"
"Chill pick your teeth!"
"I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage!"
"Now is the woodcock near the gin!"
"Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongue of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping-houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand the time of day."
"I'll carbonado your shanks!"
"Chill pick your teeth!"
"I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage!"
"Now is the woodcock near the gin!"
"Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongue of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping-houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand the time of day."
October 29, 2007
This is a very necessary book for anyone who is at a loss for words, and can't think of a good way to cut someone down. Over 4,000 ways to avoid the simple, "Oh, ya? Sez you!" retort, by the greatest writer that English has ever known.
"Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!" - Timon of Athens IV, 3. Mastery.
"Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!" - Timon of Athens IV, 3. Mastery.
June 8, 2009
Alright. No, I did not read every single quote. I really enjoyed the list of random names in the first chapter and the sorted ones in the last, but it also became very tedious. Might be that I am just not enough of a Shakespeare fanatic. All in all, I got a couple of funny quotes to yell at people when they cut me off.
September 3, 2014
kinda a precursor to the 'for dummies' series. one should after all be sufficiently literate to read the plays and extract the snark and deploy the rudeness on one's own. this one distills it down to several hundred pages. that's a decent amount of insult, as a proportion of the collected works.
November 9, 2009
Full of every single insult from all of Shakespeare's works, one could say that was all he wrote. Some are downright rude( ok, all of them are) and some are just funny. A good way to pass the time and bug your friends.
- Is he safe? are his wits about him?-
- Is he safe? are his wits about him?-
October 12, 2013
Here's a fun novelty book of insults right out of the Bard's oeuvre. I was going to pass it on, having enjoyed it. On second thought, I'll keep it around as source material for dialogue in that novel about Christopher Marlowe that a deceased friend asked me to finish for her....
August 22, 2007
Ye gods and forsooth! I never realized that there were so many wonderful ways to say "bug out."
October 29, 2007
I snorted on the bus.
April 5, 2008
These are all very silly.
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