Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents

by Jane Isay

On giving
They Don’t Want It.
They Don’t Hear It.
They Resent It.
Don’t Give It.


We raise our children to be independent and lead fulfilling lives, but when they finally do, staying close becomes more complicated than ever. And for every bewildered mother who wonders why her children don’t call, there is a frustrated son or daughter who just wants to be treated like a grownup. Now, renowned editor Jane Isay delivers the perfect gift to both parents and their adult children—real-life wisdom and advice on how to stay together without falling apart.

Using extensive interviews with people from ages twenty-five to seventy, Isay shows that we’re far from alone in our struggles to make this new, adult relationship work. She offers up groundbreaking insights and deeply moving stories that will inspire those in even the toughest situations. Isay’s warmth and wit shine through on every page as she charts an invaluable course through the confusing, and often painful, interactions parents and children can face. Walking on Eggshells is the much-needed road map that will keep you connected to the people you love most.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Family, Reference

256 pages, Hardcover

First published March 27, 2007

About the author

Over the last 12 years, I have written 4 books. March 2018 marked the publication of my fourth book, Unconditional Love: A Guide to Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being a Grandparent Today.
My previous book, Secrets and Lies: Surviving the Truths that Change our Lives, was published in January 2014. It follows my first book, Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship between Adult Children and Parents, which came out in 2007. Mom Still Likes You Best: The Unfinished Business Between Siblings followed in 2010.

For over 40 years I was a book editor and publishing executive, specializing in psychology but including other subjects. I edited such classics as Reviving Ophelia, The Drama of the Gifted Child, Friday Night Lights, Odd Girl Out. Praying for Sheetrock and Woe Is I.

Reviews

[Virginia, Second of Her Name, Mother of Bunnies · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ugh.

The subtitle was backwards and misleading: "Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents." That subtitle makes it seem as though this book is written for adult children to help them with their relationships with their parents. Instead, this book focuses on the parent's perspective.

FINE.

It would still have been a good book if it was a compassionate treatise on how the generations can communicate with each other.

Nay, nay.

This book was not constructive or helpful. It was a bunch of stories from bitter Boomers complaining about their ungrateful children and their children's obsession with "healthy boundaries."

Let's talk about boundaries for a second.

Some of the "woe is me, if only these people could just kiss and make up" stories were rife with abuse. It's naive and destructive to expect people to pull the rug over literal decades of abuse.

And also, the number of times the author used the phrase "refused to have an abortion" when describing problems between a parent and their adult child is deeply disturbing. It was baffling to me that the adult parents who pressured/demanded their daughters to have abortions were surprised that their daughters distanced themselves once the babies were born.

Really?

The only reason I finished this book was to be able to confidently write a review warning people to run far, far away from this it.

[Leanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Numerous true stories of "walking on eggshells" with your adult children and not enough specific ideas on how to navigate "the delicate relationship between adult children and parents." Helpful if you don't want to feel alone in your journey.

[Janalee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was my first book about relationships with adult children - even though I'm a newbie at it, I got so much out of it. She addressed so many elephants in the room. Things nobody ever talks about and so you assume everything is fine and easy once your children leave home.

Notes:

*"When children become adults, many parents encounter a whole new world of anxiety, miscommunication, disappointment, and distance."

*She reassures us that we aren't fools to wake up in the middle of the night worrying about our adult children. Many do.

*Kids don't want your advice. Rats. That's the only thing I'm good at giving - lots of it, poured on thick and heavy. "Don't give it, they don't want it, they don't like it, they resent it". Is that really true? I bet no every kid feels this way. I asked Talia and she said, only when she's in a bad mood does she feel this way.

*Watch, here's me in the future = "Norma, at 75, knows that she is not in charge of her kids, but she had trouble holding her tongue, and it has created havoc with her firstborn son. Her excellent advice has nearly destroyed their relationship."

*Also about advice, "the more correct it is and the closer to home it cuts, the more you are resented for giving it." When you deliver a difficult truth, you, as the messenger, are blamed.

*One wise mother's advice: Keep your mouth shut and your door open. Plus you can always spill to your spouse, best friends or relatives of your generation all your frustrations. That's exactly what I do.

*LOVED the paragraph about in-law and what makes the difference in getting along. Chemistry (you hit it off) or character (you act mature by putting feelings on the back burner and make an effort to forge a good relationship anyway). Ideal if you have both of course.

*so many helpful stories about people she interviewed for the book.

*The chapter on money was great. All the stories about how money tore families apart - inherited money - Do you leave everyone an equal amount? Each according to need? What if you paid for this kid's college but that kid got a scholarship, are they entitled a bit more money at the end? Apparently kids keep score all their lives and bring out the claws when you die.

But also success stories for you to model. Something for everyone.

[Anne-Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this for my mother for Christmas but I wanted to read it first in case it gave advice I didn’t care for. First of all, I got a little pizza sauce on it and I’m pretty sure that my mom will find that distasteful. Second of all, this book is pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted to tell my mother but have never been able to because of our fragile relationship. She has actually used the words “Walking on eggshells” around me in an email so the title is quite apro pro. Isay gives numerous examples of different families and their “situations” all of which discourage parents to not judge their adult children, not to give unsolicited advice to their adult children, not to come into their adult children’s home and clean up their grandson’s room and tell their adult children that their house looks like white trash. Okay, that last one was specific to MY mother but this book is either going to really improve our relationship or end it. Anyway, I’m hoping for the former.

[Kasey Dietrich · Rating 1 out of 5]

There is absolutely no empathy here. The author wants everyone she to shower her with praise for the smallest things. She claimed that she interviewed 75 parents and their adult kids, asking about their experiences. That's fine. What is not fine is then claiming you are an amazing person for being such a smart cookie and such a good listener. She said after this "That listening to people's stories is an art".

She also expects her children to apologize for their independence. It's all about the parent's needs, not the well-being of their children according to her little narrative.

This is the most hedonistic, disgusting way to look at building a relationship with your adult children. This author is so out of touch, the only needs that matter to her is her own. Children are NOT OBLIGATED TO WORSHIP ADULTS. YOU ARE NOT GOD. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[Jen Ferreira · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really wish I had read the one and two star reviews before I read this book. The title drew me in thinking it would be the other perspective but the further into the book I got as the adult child, the more condescended to I began to feel even though I was clearly not the target audience for this book. These anecdotes came from people who DESERVED to have the ties severed with them in most cases, good Lord. The abuse and entitlement... Ugh what a waste of my time and yet I have never started a book I didn't finish and I don't want to start now, so onward I shall slog through the last few chapters.

If you're a baby boomer with adult children and no concept of personal boundaries, this book will help you. For everyone else, you might as well skip it. It's not helpful if you're the adult child in the equation or are the boomer parent who has an ounce of common sense.

[Angie Persaud · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not necessarily a guide but stories in relation to adult children interacting with their parents and vice-verse. The book offers various perspectives from both the adult children and parent’s POV. I enjoyed it, especially Shannon’s story about her tense relationship with her parents.

[Maria]

Let me sum it up: Don’t give advice.

[Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't have a shelf for self-help, given that I almost never read it. This book was recommended to me by a counselor, and I actually did find it helpful. It is written from the perspective of parent wanting to improve their relationship with adult children. At first I thought that perspective might make it hard for me to get into, but it was quite the opposite. I have no way of imagining what is going on in a parent's head when thinking of adult children (given that my child is only 2) and it was nice to have that window opened. Now I feel that my perspective is better - I understand more fully what is going on in those parental heads when there is conflict.

Beyond that, it gave me a lot to think about as I nurture and grow with my little guy. Good thoughts - realizing the things I can do as he matures to help evolve our relationship into a healthy adult relationship.

And beyond THAT, it made me deeply appreciate MY parents, who have really worked quite hard to be good companions and support-people for my siblings and me. They have (with many speed bumps) allowed us to grow up and pursue our own lives in ways that are so loving and respectful that all four of us LOVE spending time with them. I'm counting my blessings.

[Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so much. It starts with a friend saying to another friend "I didn't realize how much grown children can hurt your feelings." The conversation reveals that she is not alone in feeling this way, it just may not be something people talk about. The book is made up of conversations the author has had with parents and adult children, and how they navigate their relationships. Lots of great advice. It constantly reminds you that it isn't easy, but to keep moving forward.

[Cathryn Conroy · Rating 4 out of 5]

When my oldest child was engaged to be married, a dear friend asked me, "Do you know the most important job for the mother of the groom?" I eagerly replied, "Do tell!" She quipped, "Shut up and wear beige." After I stopped laughing, I realized that this is spot-on advice for not only being the mother of the groom, but also being the mother and mother-in-law of grown children male or female. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you are asked and stay in the background.

Even if you are blessed with a good relationship with your grown children and their spouses as I am, there will still be times of conflict. That is the point of this book by Jane Isay: Tips on navigating these relationships now that everyone is an adult and you, the parent, have lost your parental authority. We all must learn and master new roles, and this can be tricky at times. After all, when we experience conflict with our grown-up children, it can be unnerving at best and extremely hurtful at worst. Our advice is not appreciated and can even be resented. So parents must relearn how to parent.

Most of the book's advice is given through real-life examples of parent/grown child relationships, some of which are nearly off the rails but most of which are very solid with just some bumps of conflict. How these various conflicts started, what happened during the conflict, and how the conflict was resolved—or not—is the crux of the book. Some readers may find this quite helpful, especially if they see themselves in one of the examples, but others may not find value in something that doesn't mirror their own situation. Still, there is value in realizing you're not alone, as well as that others have it far worse than you do!

Some of what you will learn in this book is:
• How to foster a peer relationship between the generations with love and understanding. This requires more change and growth on the part of the parents than it does on the grown children.

• How to better communicate with your grown children, especially when they aren't living up to your expectations, hopes, and dreams for them.

• Find out THE most difficult task for parents of adults, but if you can do this and you are almost ensured of relationship success.

• Find out a lot more, including how to deal with divorce, stepfamilies, the challenges of giving/loaning money to grown children, and those emotion-packed holiday get-togethers.

[Diana Nagy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book about the delicate relationship between parents and adult children. As a grown adult with parents, you know what its like yourself having parents and the issues that can arise between you, particularly between you and your in laws. While this is turning you around because you are going to be (if you aren't already) on the opposite side, the side that your husbands or wifes parents were on....getting along with your son or daughters spouse. It's generally more difficult with the daughter in laws but I am sure sons can have issues as well. So, this is a great book to read about others experiences with their adult children but if you don't want to read this book but still want the advice, I will tell you this: The main thing of every book like this is simply: keep your mouth shut. That is: Don't tell your children how to care for their children, their relationships, their jobs, their houses, their vehicles, their LIVES. Stay OUT of it. It's not your business. If they specifically ask for advice, Mom, Dad I have this issue what should I do, you should carefully broach this subject. Maybe you should ask them (before giving your own advice) what they think THEY should do first. And God forbid, do not talk badly about their spouse....under any circumstances. They might be mad at them now but later they will make up and you know who they will be mad at? You! And they might go home and tell their spouse what you said about them which could cause issues between you and your son/daughter in law and that's the last thing you want, I promise you that. So, keep your mouth shut. Your advice to yourself. But, when all else fails, read this book, because there's more contained within that you might find beneficial for your specific situation. After all, we are all blessed with different ones, now aren't we?

[Tina · Rating 2 out of 5]

There was really no strategies...which is what was expecting for self help book. Just s bunch of stories and examples.
Publisher’s editing was horrible.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

As an almost-empty nester with three adult children, I am very interested in growing adult relationships that are filled with respect, caring, love, validation and encouragement for them. I want to be a part of my children's lives and have great relationships with the partners of their choice.

This read mostly made me grateful for the strong relationships that I already have with my kids. There are a lot of sad situations relayed here from kids who are homeless, are addicted to drugs or alcohol, who grew up with damaged relationships to one or both parents, who limit access to their grandkids, etc.

My big take-aways here are:

1. Adult relationships with your kids are a big shift. (This is not a surprise.) You are moving from a coaching position to a validating, encouraging, loving, appreciating position. It is very difficult to "tell" your adult child what to do....they are adults!!

2. Don't offer unsolicited advice. This is a tough one for me, especially during the shift when the child first leaves home. Super tough. Keep the mouth closed. Ask genuine questions, but not too many. Encourage, validate, love, respect, encourage, validate, love, respect. Pray that they won't make a life-altering mistake. Be grateful every day for the relationship that you have.

I'm looking for other books on this subject....recommendations welcome!

[Karen Ng · Rating 5 out of 5]

An interesting read on how to handle one’s adult children. I had an incident that resulted in a long coma when my children were 22,18, and 14. I missed their respective college, high school and middle school graduations. Since I missed about 2 years of their life while trying to stay alive and regain my memory/independence; it has always been a guessing game when I handle my now grown kids- - Was it my brain bleed? Am I outdated in new parenting skills? Am I too clingy/controlling/needy while trying to make up missed time? Is it me? Is it them? Was it the trauma/grief we experienced as a family?
Reading this book and other people’s parenting experience with their adult children gave me the perspective I desperately needed. Now I know that the problems I’ve encountered were not because of me, it happens to everyone with adult children. Thank you.

This book was a 5-star read and entertaining. I highly recommend it to parents with adult children, especially if your relationship with them was once extremely close. The book offers very useful advice in your new stage of being a parent of some very independent minds. No, those hard-earned parenting techniques will no longer work, but the joy of having a great relationship with them is still achievable. Good luck.

[Kim M · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm very disappointed in this book. Most of the stories are of parents who have lost their adult children. And many of the stories are about abusive relationships; some the parent and some the adult children. Stories of control, financial abuse (through guilt), and more. What it doesn't have are many stories of compromise and forgiveness. And the advice she gives for when you are walking on eggshells is to not give advice and hold it all in. Instead of addressing communication, and acceptance, and agreeing to disagree, and acknowledging your feelings and your family members feelings.

This book is realistic, but not hopeful.

[Nolan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Simply horrible. The worst book I think I have ever read. After a couple of chapters I realized the author has no real message other than adult children can’t handle guidance or advice no matter how it’s communicated when it comes from a parent. As a parent, once your child considers themselves an adult you need to bite your lip and keep your opinion to yourself. No matter they need to move back home or need to receive financial support because of life decisions they have made.. The book is poorly written.

[Peggy Parsons · Rating 2 out of 5]

Basically, keep your mouth shut and never give any advice or direction once your kids are adults. This is excellent advice, but no help in how to do that.

I found the book How to Really Love Your Adult Child by Rose Campbell more insight into why this generation of adults are the way they are and helpful ways to speak into your child's life to encourage and maintain a relationship.

[Nikki Gorman · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this is definitely more for parents than children, and unfortunately I cannot foresee any universe in which my mother would read this book, although it would 1000% be helpful to her. My takeaway is bleak…that I can only hope to have a good relationship with my parents if I fake it and lock away my own personality and humanity when I’m around them, and I’m so exhausted by doing that for so many years. Was really hoping to get more out this book. Oh well.

*edit* In addition I don’t feel like there was a wide enough variety of sample families to make this remotely relatable to a larger demographic of people, but maybe that’s just my white woman perspective showing idk 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Anh Tran · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was very anecdotal. It showed snippets of different family dynamics and provided some perspective on how common family problems are. However there were too many different snippets and the book didn't dive too deep into any issues.

[Mindy W. · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was interesting to hear the stories about the families. Nothing earth shattering here but I enjoyed the stories. THAT SAID, don’t listen to the audio. This narrator was WAY too dramatic for this type of book. Or maybe for any book (sorry)…she needs to reel it in many notches.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wanted to read this to perhaps gather insight and empathy in to the lives of parents of adult children. I was not the demographic for this book. ‘Boomer Sympathizer’ was the phrase that kept floating to the surface of my consciousness. I can see this being a great book - for someone else - who might like to feel less isolated and alone in their relationship with an adult child.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author aims this book toward baby-boomer parents, yet I originally thought that the title applied to me, the "Adult Child" in the equation. Overall, I found the book mildly helpful, too depressing to read in one sitting (reading about all those dysfunctional families really wears a person down!), and a mite repetitive while leaving out some important elements of an adult child's perspective.

The best nugget from this book is what makes a parent / adult child relationship so treacherous that we have to "walk on eggshells" so much more than we must with a partner or a friend. It lies in a child's memory of the discipline and boundaries -- parental control -- every parent exerts in an effort to rear their children. When children gain independence, it's difficult to feel boxed in by such control. The author writes,

"Grown children have a hard time knowing the difference between an innocent remark and parental control. If we offer to help them buy a car or a house and make comments about their decisions, they get furious. We get hurt -- after all, we were just trying to be helpful, and we didn't mean to criticize. The problem is that such words bring back the rage that a daughter felt when when she wasn't allowed to wear her favorite Goth outfit to a family bat mitzvah or the fury a son felt when he was kept home from a football game to write a term paper. This type of discipline was part and parcel of our unending effort to form them into acceptable members of society. In general, they are grateful to us for helping them grow into the people they are today, but the slightest reminder of the old days, when we exerted power over them, incites them to rebel, refuse, and finally repudiate." (pp. 97-98).

This passage encapsulates the author's main message: "Listening to frown children talk about their parents, I learned how deeply they love us and how desperately they want us to grow and change as they do. They want to be close, but they are exquisitely sensitive to any perceived or real assault on their autonomy and boundaries. Only when they trust that we respect them as adults can they feel free to return to the family." (p. xii-xiii).

"[O:]ur children are exquisitely sensitive to us. I have been amazed by how little it takes to break down the barriers between parent and child . . . and how little it takes to improve the relationship with our grown children. We don't have to remake ourselves; we just have to listen to them and be mindful of what they are living through and adjust our behavior to that. We have to treat them like the adults they are. We have to give up the past, so that they can do the same" (p. 56).

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a great comfort and encouragement and would be helpful for all parents of adult children and the children. It is full of stories of real families and the struggles and good things that come from this next stage of life. I highly recommend.

[D · Rating 5 out of 5]

Without giving away any spoilers, I feel like this book would be beneficial to most people with grown children. So many different scenarios are given that I feel like it is highly relatable. I was impressed with the advice given. The hardest part was concentrating on the characters. I like to read a book in one or two sittings, and each chapter had multiple stories, each time with new characters, so I got bogged down in names and not letting my mind wander back to a previous story. I think if you read this book, you might even save yourself some counseling! Maybe this book will save or revive a lot of relationships. I like to think of it as "It ain't over until the fat lady sings." Basically, if your loved ones are still alive, there is always hope. This book brought me a lot of personal peace and insight. I HIGHLY recommend it, even if your relationship is perfect. This may ward off problems, or it may help you to have peace of mind to work toward resolving them.

[Carley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am an adult child in my twenties and have struggled a lot with both of my parents relationships, they flip flop up and down and I always just thought it was my personality clashing with theirs. This book was really eye opening and really gave me an insight and made me feel not alone in this process of transition in a adult relationship with my parents. While the author doesn't give specific guidance on how to transition well through this period, there are little nuggets of tips spread throughout the stories that show how families have dealt with different situations. I would recommend this to someone who feels they are alone in this struggle and to help them become more aware of both sides of the relationship through reading similar stories. I wouldn't recommend this for someone looking for specific guidance in a list. This book helped me become more aware and feel less alone in the struggle. Its a quick read, eye opening and provides stories on a variety of families.

[Alissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, the good: I’ve never read a book from the perspective of parents of adult children. I think this book gave me an empathy and awareness for a part of this life stage that I hadn’t understood, and gave me a different context for some of the things I’ve felt in the last 14 years since leaving home. It also has some good advice for families: don’t give advice, and have open conversations about more things and especially boundaries.

Now the not so good: this book is not the least bit informed by research or an understanding of trauma. It brushes past and underplays behaviors (mostly by parents, but some by adult children as well) that are abusive. It hints at changing family interactions that have become cyclical, but doesn’t say anything about how to do this.

As a therapist, I couldn’t feel good about recommending this book. As a daughter and mother, it was unexpectedly helpful.

[Bria · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was looking for a book by a similar name and I think I checked this one out by mistake, but since it still seemed about adult parent/child relationships I gave it a read.

It's from the older parent's perspective, but it was not as helpful as I would have liked. I think she's on the money about not giving advice to adult children, but she seems to be under the impression that's the crux of almost all parent/child conflicts, over looking childhood abuse or parental personality disorders (even though she mentions these, they never seem to be the reason why she thinks the children distance themselves).

The book is a collection of anecdotes about parents who reconcile with their children and work out their problems, but she never explains how they go from point a to point b.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was really excited about this book when I heard about it on a parenting blog. I've seen the challenges of navigating relationships between adult children, in my life and in the lives of friends. I was hopeful for a book that would help me be a better adult child to my parents and my in-laws.

Unfortunately, this book is written primarily for the parents in the adult child/parent relationship. Most of the advice is for how to strengthen relationship with the child from the parents point of view. Maybe that is best, but I found myself wanting to write my responses to each chapter explaining my point of view.

[Jenni · Rating 2 out of 5]

Let me save you some time and summarize this book : shut up. Keep your thoughts and opinions too yourself and only listen to your adult child. That's all I got out of laboring over this poorly constructed text. I felt certain I was reading a rough draft that severely needed to be edited and revised.