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Not Exactly Love: A Memoir
It was 1969, and all the rules were changing, when Betty, a woefully single French teacher on Long Island, met the handsome but edgy new teacher at her school, a hippie just back from Woodstock. His vitality opened up a new world to her—but when they married, his rages turned against her, and often ended with physical violence. Like millions of women who discover they’ve married an abusive man, Betty was forced to make daily decisions—to suppress her feelings or risk confrontation, to keep it secret or report, and ultimately, to live with it or leave. Part memoir, part warm-hearted look at the ’70s, and part therapeutic journey, Not Exactly A Memoir is an intense and inspirational story of a woman who grew from her experience.
240 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 11, 2016
628 people are currently reading
1163 people want to read
About the author
Betty Hafner
4 books63 followersBetty loves a good story, with an enticing setting, complicated characters, and maybe a dash of humor. Her favorites leave her with something to think about. She has written monthly book reviews for more than a decade in The Town Courier newspaper in Montgomery County, MD. She wrote two practical career-change books that stemmed from her workshops for adults―WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? published by Lippincott (2001) and THE NURSE'S GUIDE TO STARTING A SMALL BUSINESS, published by Pilot Books (1992). With an MS in counseling, she considers herself a teacher and counselor by trade and by nature, but she also loves telling stories through her artwork, photographs, and writing. She lives outside Washington, DC with her husband and beloved dog.
See more at http://www.bettyhafner.com.
See more at http://www.bettyhafner.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 94 reviews
May 8, 2018
Genre: Memoir
Publisher: She Writes Press
Pub. Date: Oct. 11, 2016
Mini-Review
“Part memoir, part warm-hearted look at the '70s, and part therapeutic journey “Not Exactly Love: A Memoir” is an intense and inspirational story of a woman who grew from her experience.” –Goodreads blurb.
It is the above book blurb that peaked my interest in wanting to read this book. This memoir takes place in the early 1970s; a battered wife endures years of beatings without telling her family or friends. Back then, very few women did. This was decades before the “Me Too” movement. The author, Betty Hafner, wore a long-sleeve top on her wedding day to cover a bruise on her arm, along with her hippy gaucho pants that horrified her mother (if mom only knew the real horror of the day). But they were young and there was no denying the chemistry between them, so she ignored the signs and married her young man in 1969. This is certainly not a new story, what kept my attention is that Hafner had the courage to bare all her secrets, even during her therapy sessions, without shame. She vividly describes the mental and physical abuse. She does not shy away from her codependence in the relationship. Hafner clearly wants her memoir to help other women while somehow still managing to keep a light touch when describing the decade. This reviewer was a teen in those years. I could identify with those times. “I had rocketed from the June Cleaver’60s of my youth straight into the Age of Aquarius.” That line alone brought me down memory lane. While reading, I could hear Janice Joplin singing in my head. Hafner does such a stellar job in pairing nostalgia and laughter into her painfully honest story. She manages to add in comic relief to give the reader a breather from the tension; while still managing to break the silence of domestic violence.
Find all my book reviews at:
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/review/list...
Leave Me Alone I am Reading & Reviewing: https://books6259.wordpress.com/
Twitter: Martie's Book Reviews: https://twitter.com/NeesRecord
Publisher: She Writes Press
Pub. Date: Oct. 11, 2016
Mini-Review
“Part memoir, part warm-hearted look at the '70s, and part therapeutic journey “Not Exactly Love: A Memoir” is an intense and inspirational story of a woman who grew from her experience.” –Goodreads blurb.
It is the above book blurb that peaked my interest in wanting to read this book. This memoir takes place in the early 1970s; a battered wife endures years of beatings without telling her family or friends. Back then, very few women did. This was decades before the “Me Too” movement. The author, Betty Hafner, wore a long-sleeve top on her wedding day to cover a bruise on her arm, along with her hippy gaucho pants that horrified her mother (if mom only knew the real horror of the day). But they were young and there was no denying the chemistry between them, so she ignored the signs and married her young man in 1969. This is certainly not a new story, what kept my attention is that Hafner had the courage to bare all her secrets, even during her therapy sessions, without shame. She vividly describes the mental and physical abuse. She does not shy away from her codependence in the relationship. Hafner clearly wants her memoir to help other women while somehow still managing to keep a light touch when describing the decade. This reviewer was a teen in those years. I could identify with those times. “I had rocketed from the June Cleaver’60s of my youth straight into the Age of Aquarius.” That line alone brought me down memory lane. While reading, I could hear Janice Joplin singing in my head. Hafner does such a stellar job in pairing nostalgia and laughter into her painfully honest story. She manages to add in comic relief to give the reader a breather from the tension; while still managing to break the silence of domestic violence.
Find all my book reviews at:
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/review/list...
Leave Me Alone I am Reading & Reviewing: https://books6259.wordpress.com/
Twitter: Martie's Book Reviews: https://twitter.com/NeesRecord
November 1, 2016
Not Exactly Love is an amazing read. Amazing because it vividly recalls the details of an abusive early marriage – forty years in the past -- in all of its horror as well as its tender moments savored by an emotionally neglected young woman making her escape so difficult. The reader is drawn into the world of the 70’s with its long-hair, mini-skirts, and music and into the slowly escalating violence against a vulnerable young woman who comes into her marriage poorly defended because of early emotional neglect, even outright rejection, by her father. Equipped, nevertheless, with untapped strength, she discovers it by enlisting an ally, a wise therapist, and finds her way out and up into the sun. This is an extremely well-done memoir that makes the reader ache for the central character, feeling every blow physically and psychically, and thrill to her personal growth that brings her victory. A must read for anyone suffering with or from domestic violence.
January 11, 2017
While the story is not a new one, the author's candid and intimate telling of a relationship gone so very wrong gripped me almost immediately. I noticed I was walking with the author through her tortuous journey which ultimately, at last lead to the door. Whew !
I put the book down and waited a bit before finishing it.. This story, unlike so many, ends well for all the characters. Renewal of lives and healing of spirit. It doesn't get any better than that.
I put the book down and waited a bit before finishing it.. This story, unlike so many, ends well for all the characters. Renewal of lives and healing of spirit. It doesn't get any better than that.
October 4, 2016
Reading Betty Hafner's Not Exactly Love made me uncomfortable. I often found myself wondering why she didn't just leave her physically and emotionally abusive husband, while simultaneously understanding at a visceral level why she did not. The times, as they say, were different, as evidenced most clearly by the response of the police officers who were called during a violent episode: take your wife out to dinner, they told the man who had just attacked her.
During the 1970s when the events of the book took place, when the nascent women's liberation movement was encouraging women to speak up, assert their independence and demand their rights, it was nevertheless a man's world. Short of murder, nearly any physical or sexual mistreatment of a woman by a man, any restriction or restraint placed on her freedom at home, at work, in politics, economically, or any other way, was not only tolerated but accepted as the way things were, had always been, and should always be. If this sounds like exaggeration or melodrama to those without personal experience of these issues, they need to read this book.
As a woman of similar age to the author, I remember these bad old days all too well. Fortunately, we've come a long way; sadly, women are still victims of male abuse every day and holding abusers accountable is still difficult. Hafner tells her story in a matter-of-fact manner, and treats her abuser with a remarkably even hand. I recommend this book to all readers who need to be reminded or informed of the reality of recent women's history. May it make you uncomfortable, too.
During the 1970s when the events of the book took place, when the nascent women's liberation movement was encouraging women to speak up, assert their independence and demand their rights, it was nevertheless a man's world. Short of murder, nearly any physical or sexual mistreatment of a woman by a man, any restriction or restraint placed on her freedom at home, at work, in politics, economically, or any other way, was not only tolerated but accepted as the way things were, had always been, and should always be. If this sounds like exaggeration or melodrama to those without personal experience of these issues, they need to read this book.
As a woman of similar age to the author, I remember these bad old days all too well. Fortunately, we've come a long way; sadly, women are still victims of male abuse every day and holding abusers accountable is still difficult. Hafner tells her story in a matter-of-fact manner, and treats her abuser with a remarkably even hand. I recommend this book to all readers who need to be reminded or informed of the reality of recent women's history. May it make you uncomfortable, too.
May 4, 2018
This book does not miss a beat. It will resonate deeply with any woman who has suffered at the hands of an abusive man, and will serve as a stark warning to any woman who has not.
Despite the fear and violence and relentless mental stress the author suffered, she is amazingly big-hearted in her memoir, managing to convey all the three-dimensional humanity of both the abused and the abuser. The writing style is very natural, often charming and even humorous, despite the subject matter. Like other readers, I found the vivid descriptions of life in the 60’s and 70’s to be a wonderful, and wonderfully accurate backdrop to this compelling story.
I actually listened to this book on Audible and must commend the narrator, who brought Betty’s voice to life and was so effective with the voice of the husband, Jack, that I would literally flinch when I heard his voice and knew he was in a bad mood – I knew that would never end well. I was given a free review copy audiobook at my request and have voluntarily left this review.
Despite the fear and violence and relentless mental stress the author suffered, she is amazingly big-hearted in her memoir, managing to convey all the three-dimensional humanity of both the abused and the abuser. The writing style is very natural, often charming and even humorous, despite the subject matter. Like other readers, I found the vivid descriptions of life in the 60’s and 70’s to be a wonderful, and wonderfully accurate backdrop to this compelling story.
I actually listened to this book on Audible and must commend the narrator, who brought Betty’s voice to life and was so effective with the voice of the husband, Jack, that I would literally flinch when I heard his voice and knew he was in a bad mood – I knew that would never end well. I was given a free review copy audiobook at my request and have voluntarily left this review.
August 27, 2016
Oh Betty!! I cried for you! This book was so heartbreaking and so uplifting, and such a fantastic ending. I won an advance copy to read through Goodreads giveaways this month. And am so glad this book came to me!!!!
I was so ANGRY when you talked about the lack of help you had from doctors or civil servants. If only you were born a little later. When this wasn't a "take your wife out for a nice dinner" problem. You take your wife out for a nice dinner because you love and respect her. Not because you punched her out!!!
I, too had a "Jack" who used to torture me when he thought I wasn't telling the truth. And everything you thought throughout your novel, I can remember thinking. And it just breaks my heart. I, too had an abortion because I couldn't consider staying or being a single parent. He eventually committed suicide and still to this day I wonder how I would have left him if I had to do it myself. Would I have even done so? I hope so. Your story gives me hope that I would have. But he was handsome and kind and cried and said sorry.
You were an optimist in a terrible situation, your generation was raised to believe that getting married and having babies was the ultimate goal. And I'm so glad you found your inner strength and walked through the fire and came out ok!
This book is so powerful and should be read by anyone and everyone. Because it allows you into the inner workings of the victim. It answers the age old question "why didn't you just leave?"
Top ten books I've read this year!
I was so ANGRY when you talked about the lack of help you had from doctors or civil servants. If only you were born a little later. When this wasn't a "take your wife out for a nice dinner" problem. You take your wife out for a nice dinner because you love and respect her. Not because you punched her out!!!
I, too had a "Jack" who used to torture me when he thought I wasn't telling the truth. And everything you thought throughout your novel, I can remember thinking. And it just breaks my heart. I, too had an abortion because I couldn't consider staying or being a single parent. He eventually committed suicide and still to this day I wonder how I would have left him if I had to do it myself. Would I have even done so? I hope so. Your story gives me hope that I would have. But he was handsome and kind and cried and said sorry.
You were an optimist in a terrible situation, your generation was raised to believe that getting married and having babies was the ultimate goal. And I'm so glad you found your inner strength and walked through the fire and came out ok!
This book is so powerful and should be read by anyone and everyone. Because it allows you into the inner workings of the victim. It answers the age old question "why didn't you just leave?"
Top ten books I've read this year!
October 7, 2016
Not Exactly Love is a beautifully written, heartfelt memoir that is hard to put down. Hafner verbally paints compelling and dramatic pictures using powerful dialogue and vivid descriptions. With self-awareness Hafner shares how she struggled with her own contrasting emotions, as well as the ambivalent feelings of love and hate for her abusive husband. With honesty she shares her deepest thoughts and feelings, helping the reader understand how she became trapped in a seductive situation and why she stayed. Nonetheless, I kept thinking, “Please leave!” Despite what she endured Hafner does not portray herself as a victim, but rather with understanding and compassion for her twenty-something self that had not yet developed self-awareness. With hard work and the help of therapy she develops clarity and ego strength to bring her story to an inspiring conclusion. This book would be incredibly helpful to anyone struggling with an abusive relationship of any type – – emotional physical or sexual, for Hafner deftly portrays a way out. As a psychotherapist I highly recommend this hopeful book.
November 16, 2017
Grateful for telling your story
I pretty much galloped through this book. I have been the victim of domestic abuse for starting in 1973 for13 years in my first marriage and the 9 years in my second marriage. I've been single ever since. I understood so much of her thinking, her fear, terror, shock and eventually the resolve of ending it. I was so glad to learn that she went through with the abortion. A child would have suffered terribly.. No question in my mind or heart about that. I also understood her packing up extra food in the freezer and cupboards before she left, I did that. I had three children so my situation was so comp!ex. Then he abused my children.. It's so different with children. It's far sadder. Now I am retired living safely in a senior complex where I don't ever have to depend on anyway on a man or anyone again. My dreams were crushed and I live every day in shame and regret that he abused my children. More women need to tell their stories and stop the shame they live with.
I pretty much galloped through this book. I have been the victim of domestic abuse for starting in 1973 for13 years in my first marriage and the 9 years in my second marriage. I've been single ever since. I understood so much of her thinking, her fear, terror, shock and eventually the resolve of ending it. I was so glad to learn that she went through with the abortion. A child would have suffered terribly.. No question in my mind or heart about that. I also understood her packing up extra food in the freezer and cupboards before she left, I did that. I had three children so my situation was so comp!ex. Then he abused my children.. It's so different with children. It's far sadder. Now I am retired living safely in a senior complex where I don't ever have to depend on anyway on a man or anyone again. My dreams were crushed and I live every day in shame and regret that he abused my children. More women need to tell their stories and stop the shame they live with.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 9, 2017
This is a book about spousal abuse. It takes place in the late 60's to early 70's. One thing about this book that I did not like was that at times it almost seemed more like erotica. I didn't think it was necessary to go into such detail to talk about their sexual escapades. I hated the ending and the choice she made after so many problems with infertility. I wont go into detail as that would be a spoiler. Most of this book I just wanted to yell at her to quit being so stupid. I have read much better books with better insight about spousal abuse.
November 3, 2017
Being in a cult is like being in an abusive relationship with a group; being in an abusive relationship is like being in a cult of two. So it follows that if you’re writing a memoir about either cult involvement or spousal abuse, and you entered the coercive situation as an adult, you must provide nuanced answers to the same three questions, if your story is to hold: How did you get in? Why didn’t you leave earlier? How did you get out? That is, you must reveal the inner logic of a string of choices that could easily be dismissed as crazy or dumb. Moreover, you must persuade the reader that she would have done precisely as you did, had she arrived, with your history, in your shoes.
In Not Exactly Love, Betty Hafner takes this challenge and nails it. First, she shows how her own desires for sex, love, and partnership combine with the blinders applied by the time period to make Jack, despite his violent behavior, seem like a suitable mate. Then, she renders the twined strands of nourishment and delusion that bind her to him: the two of them truly do connect, at times (for example, through their shared gusto for suburban homesteading) – even as she obscures the need to escape behind a scrim of belief that he’ll change once they find the right house, or have a child. Finally, she recounts her painstaking journey through therapy to the understanding that she must leave and, at last, action on that understanding.
Throughout, Hafner grants all her characters their full humanity. No one’s a caricature, least of all Jack. In one standout moment, Jack’s mother, who was abused by his dad, and never stopped his dad from beating a younger Jack, resolutely keeps Jack at bay when Betty takes refuge in her home.
Maybe the most beautifully complicating scene in the book unfolds at the very end, when Betty meets up with Jack, years after her departure. He’s set to remarry. Uh oh, right? Well, no. Jack’s not a caricature. The story ends with a twist that complicates his character further – and (if you’re the crying type, as I am) might move you to tears.
In Not Exactly Love, Betty Hafner takes this challenge and nails it. First, she shows how her own desires for sex, love, and partnership combine with the blinders applied by the time period to make Jack, despite his violent behavior, seem like a suitable mate. Then, she renders the twined strands of nourishment and delusion that bind her to him: the two of them truly do connect, at times (for example, through their shared gusto for suburban homesteading) – even as she obscures the need to escape behind a scrim of belief that he’ll change once they find the right house, or have a child. Finally, she recounts her painstaking journey through therapy to the understanding that she must leave and, at last, action on that understanding.
Throughout, Hafner grants all her characters their full humanity. No one’s a caricature, least of all Jack. In one standout moment, Jack’s mother, who was abused by his dad, and never stopped his dad from beating a younger Jack, resolutely keeps Jack at bay when Betty takes refuge in her home.
Maybe the most beautifully complicating scene in the book unfolds at the very end, when Betty meets up with Jack, years after her departure. He’s set to remarry. Uh oh, right? Well, no. Jack’s not a caricature. The story ends with a twist that complicates his character further – and (if you’re the crying type, as I am) might move you to tears.
April 14, 2018
I met the author at a get-together for writers in Saranac Lake last year. It took me awhile to act on my good intentions to buy her book, and then to read it. It is an impressive book - for all the reasons other reviewers mentioned. Very skillful narration and selection of details, and evocative of a time (not entirely ended) when the pressure to be paired up was palpable and the momentum towards the altar pushed young people along and into disastrous commitments. Bravo!
November 19, 2017
Good but sad
😂 I enjoyed reading this book. I thought it was somewhat short but very interesting. I was saddened by all the abuse she received but never gave up. Good book for all women to read. It will enlighten you about abuse and what to be aware of in relationships. Money well spent.
😂 I enjoyed reading this book. I thought it was somewhat short but very interesting. I was saddened by all the abuse she received but never gave up. Good book for all women to read. It will enlighten you about abuse and what to be aware of in relationships. Money well spent.
November 28, 2018
I grew up in the 70s and I saw relationships like Betty Hafner's, though as a child I probably wasn't sophisticated enough to put all of the pieces together or to process outcomes. I also went on to have my own relationship challenges, where I regretfully made poor choices and gave away some of my power before learning about self care, self love and boundaries.
This memoir rang very true for me, illustrating how easy it is to become entangled in a relationship with an abuser, and how difficult it is to extract oneself. I was very sympathetic to her plight, and I understood why it was so hard and took so long to leave. There were times throughout reading when I actually fell into the trap of bargaining for her -- why not keep pushing for therapy? Why not stay and try? The good times sound really good and there is love here -- maybe he can get help.
People are complex and not all bad or good -- she was hopeful that her husband was redeemable, and that her life wouldn't be further disrupted....while also knowing within her bones with her stress reactions and her rationalizations and, eventually, her planning, that she needed to go for her own preservation.
It was also a very good period piece, encapsulating a lot of the trends and the society of the 70s, good and bad -- from EST and TM and the golden age of television and rock and roll, to the darker side of a world that doesn't yet (let's be honest -- still doesn't) cherish women's lives and safety, believe their stories, or provide them many positive alternatives to accepting their domestic, proscribed fate.
Ms. Hafner's writing is engaging and visual -- no surprise, as she is also a visual artist/painter -- and I sped through this memoir. That is not to say that I digested it lightly, however. It was a very deep voyage for me, and I expect it was life-altering and validating for many women. I truly hope so, because I think that was her intent. In this, it is not just a work of good storytelling, but a labor of love and generosity.
Highly recommend.
This memoir rang very true for me, illustrating how easy it is to become entangled in a relationship with an abuser, and how difficult it is to extract oneself. I was very sympathetic to her plight, and I understood why it was so hard and took so long to leave. There were times throughout reading when I actually fell into the trap of bargaining for her -- why not keep pushing for therapy? Why not stay and try? The good times sound really good and there is love here -- maybe he can get help.
People are complex and not all bad or good -- she was hopeful that her husband was redeemable, and that her life wouldn't be further disrupted....while also knowing within her bones with her stress reactions and her rationalizations and, eventually, her planning, that she needed to go for her own preservation.
It was also a very good period piece, encapsulating a lot of the trends and the society of the 70s, good and bad -- from EST and TM and the golden age of television and rock and roll, to the darker side of a world that doesn't yet (let's be honest -- still doesn't) cherish women's lives and safety, believe their stories, or provide them many positive alternatives to accepting their domestic, proscribed fate.
Ms. Hafner's writing is engaging and visual -- no surprise, as she is also a visual artist/painter -- and I sped through this memoir. That is not to say that I digested it lightly, however. It was a very deep voyage for me, and I expect it was life-altering and validating for many women. I truly hope so, because I think that was her intent. In this, it is not just a work of good storytelling, but a labor of love and generosity.
Highly recommend.
November 3, 2017
I won this as a GoodReads Giveaway in exchange for an honest review so here it is. I almost gave this book a 5, wish I could do 4.5.
Although the subject matter is painful to read Betty does a great job of drawing the reader in, explaining her mindset as this situation is unfolding and taking us right through the resolution of her plight.
If the reader has never been in this situation they will be thinking "WHY doesn't she just LEAVE?" Each time she is hit Betty reminds us of the time period and culture at that time (take wife to dinner). She also shows the eternal hope of young abused wives that it will be the last time it happens. Women that have been in this situation will find that she describes her emotions, hopes and avoidance very realistically. I am happy she was able to finally move on, and have a happy marriage and family. Kudos to her therapist for leading her there and helping her find her inner strength.
I do have questions though! Did Jack's dad abuse his mom? Did he abuse the other younger kids? Does Jack really not abuse his 2nd wife? This was a very good book, Betty was very brave and generous in sharing her story. I would like to see this book freely available to abused women everywhere to give them direction and hope. Thank you for sharing Betty!
Although the subject matter is painful to read Betty does a great job of drawing the reader in, explaining her mindset as this situation is unfolding and taking us right through the resolution of her plight.
If the reader has never been in this situation they will be thinking "WHY doesn't she just LEAVE?" Each time she is hit Betty reminds us of the time period and culture at that time (take wife to dinner). She also shows the eternal hope of young abused wives that it will be the last time it happens. Women that have been in this situation will find that she describes her emotions, hopes and avoidance very realistically. I am happy she was able to finally move on, and have a happy marriage and family. Kudos to her therapist for leading her there and helping her find her inner strength.
I do have questions though! Did Jack's dad abuse his mom? Did he abuse the other younger kids? Does Jack really not abuse his 2nd wife? This was a very good book, Betty was very brave and generous in sharing her story. I would like to see this book freely available to abused women everywhere to give them direction and hope. Thank you for sharing Betty!
November 5, 2017
An engrossing read written by a woman in an abusive relationship in the early 1970s on the east coast of the USA. As a the reader, you know that she survived and that she will eventually leave him. The only mystery is how much she will take before realizing that her survival depends upon her flight. The signs of his violence manifest themselves before the wedding, but Betty, in typical fashion, excuses them away as isolated incidents and convinces herself that she can change him. There are long stretches of good times for them. The abuse would flash out of nowhere, much like a sudden rainstorm, then dissipate quickly with a curt apology, and sometimes no acknowledgement that anything had occurred. The bruises on her body said otherwise. What came into sharp focus for me was the fact that Betty was the epitome of a modern 1970s woman with a job, her own bank account, advanced degrees and outside hobbies. On the face of it, she didn't seem like the type to get knocked around and remain silent. As well, even though women were experiencing a more liberated lifestyle, I was struck by how many people that surrounded Betty from friends, relatives, neighbors, the police, emergency room personnel were willing to look the other way when it was pretty clear that she was being abused in the home. She made her bed and was expected to lie in it.
January 29, 2019
well baby, there you stand With your little head, down in your hand Oh, my God, you can't believe it's happening again Your baby's gone, and you're all alone And it looks like the end
And you're back out on the street And you're tryin' to remember How do you start it over
You don't know if you can You don't care much for a stranger's touch But you can't hold your man
You never thought you'd be alone This far down the line And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time The autumn leaves have got you thinking About the first time that you fell You didn't love the boy too much, You just loved the boy to well, farewell
So you live day to day And you dream about tomorrow, oh And the hours go by like minutes
And the shadows come to stay So you take a little something To make them go away
I could have done so many things, baby If I could only stop my mind From wonderin' what I left behind And from worrying 'bout this wasted time, another love has come and gone and the years keep rushing on I remember what you told me before you went out on your own Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find That it wasn't really wasted time
Eagles "wasted time"
And you're back out on the street And you're tryin' to remember How do you start it over
You don't know if you can You don't care much for a stranger's touch But you can't hold your man
You never thought you'd be alone This far down the line And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time The autumn leaves have got you thinking About the first time that you fell You didn't love the boy too much, You just loved the boy to well, farewell
So you live day to day And you dream about tomorrow, oh And the hours go by like minutes
And the shadows come to stay So you take a little something To make them go away
I could have done so many things, baby If I could only stop my mind From wonderin' what I left behind And from worrying 'bout this wasted time, another love has come and gone and the years keep rushing on I remember what you told me before you went out on your own Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find That it wasn't really wasted time
Eagles "wasted time"
July 16, 2017
I won this book in a Goodreads Giveaway.
My actual rating for this is 4.5, only because this book wasn't something I couldn't put down, which is one of my criteria when I assign a 5-star rating. Otherwise, I have this to say to Betty Hafner: Thank you so much for being brave enough to write what must have been very difficult for you. There are so many women around the world who are regularly, brutally abused by their spouses. They feel hopeless, powerless to change the vicious cycle, and I wish they could all read your words, so that they too could find your courage. My own mother was able to find the courage, but only after ten years of abuse. Thank you for using your artistic talents to write an engaging, heartfelt account, and for being so honest about everything you endured. I grew to care about not only you, but Jack, who himself was abused as a child.
Thanks also for signing my copy! I intend to lend it out, but only with the expectation that I receive back, as it will be a permanent part of my library.
My actual rating for this is 4.5, only because this book wasn't something I couldn't put down, which is one of my criteria when I assign a 5-star rating. Otherwise, I have this to say to Betty Hafner: Thank you so much for being brave enough to write what must have been very difficult for you. There are so many women around the world who are regularly, brutally abused by their spouses. They feel hopeless, powerless to change the vicious cycle, and I wish they could all read your words, so that they too could find your courage. My own mother was able to find the courage, but only after ten years of abuse. Thank you for using your artistic talents to write an engaging, heartfelt account, and for being so honest about everything you endured. I grew to care about not only you, but Jack, who himself was abused as a child.
Thanks also for signing my copy! I intend to lend it out, but only with the expectation that I receive back, as it will be a permanent part of my library.
June 6, 2017
***I won this through a goodreads giveaway***
3.5Stars
This book is beautifully written and I appreciated Hafner’s vulnerability in sharing the abuse she endured during her first marriage. Her account emphasized cycles of abuse and how the things someone experiences in childhood, can stay with them for years to come. Hafner’s story demonstrates the ways in which people can rationalize things and make excuses when they are not yet ready to confront an issue. I felt frustrated at times by the complete lack of resources that were available to her during this time period. I was shocked and angry at the response , or rather lack of a response, she received from the police when she finally found the courage to call. While the overall tone of the book coveys hope, I mostly felt sad reading this book. I felt sad imagining the isolation she must have felt. I wish there were friends or family that she could have called sooner so she wasn’t so alone.
3.5Stars
This book is beautifully written and I appreciated Hafner’s vulnerability in sharing the abuse she endured during her first marriage. Her account emphasized cycles of abuse and how the things someone experiences in childhood, can stay with them for years to come. Hafner’s story demonstrates the ways in which people can rationalize things and make excuses when they are not yet ready to confront an issue. I felt frustrated at times by the complete lack of resources that were available to her during this time period. I was shocked and angry at the response , or rather lack of a response, she received from the police when she finally found the courage to call. While the overall tone of the book coveys hope, I mostly felt sad reading this book. I felt sad imagining the isolation she must have felt. I wish there were friends or family that she could have called sooner so she wasn’t so alone.
August 4, 2017
A well-written, heart-felt examination of the illusions we maintain in a relationship where love has gone all wrong, inching instead into abuse.
I admire the author's honesty and willingness to question her own role in submitting to the physical, mental, and emotional dysfunction of her marriage. And her willingness to examine the painful reality of suffering the consequences, all while hoping that the dysfunction might one day just simply disappear.
It takes tremendous courage to live through something like this, to survive it, to escape from it, and ultimately to deeply examine the reasons that allowed it.
The author did a terrific job of capturing the feeling and sounds of the 60s and 70s, the death of a marital dream, and the slow emergence of a woman finally empowered and willing to create a better future for herself.
I admire the author's honesty and willingness to question her own role in submitting to the physical, mental, and emotional dysfunction of her marriage. And her willingness to examine the painful reality of suffering the consequences, all while hoping that the dysfunction might one day just simply disappear.
It takes tremendous courage to live through something like this, to survive it, to escape from it, and ultimately to deeply examine the reasons that allowed it.
The author did a terrific job of capturing the feeling and sounds of the 60s and 70s, the death of a marital dream, and the slow emergence of a woman finally empowered and willing to create a better future for herself.
June 14, 2019
Don't pick up this book unless you have 3 uninterrupted hours! It was amazing!
July 31, 2017
A very well written and easy to read book with vivid and candid descriptions of life as a young woman in the 1970's in an intimate and tumultuous relationship. I loved the short chapters which made it easier to leave the story when my busy life took me away from it, although I never wanted to put the book down.
Personally I found the story validating when she describes the hope she held onto and the rationalizations that kept her stuck. ESPECIALLY when she describes the tension and constant alertness that is a result of living with an unstable personality.
Personally I found the story validating when she describes the hope she held onto and the rationalizations that kept her stuck. ESPECIALLY when she describes the tension and constant alertness that is a result of living with an unstable personality.
August 7, 2017
Struggle and survival
This is a well written, thoughtful account of an abusive marriage and how it can consume one's life. I liked this book because the author was honest and forthright about her struggles and wove an interesting narrative which was easy to read and thought provoking. I wished she would have given more information about her life after Jack and about the aftermath of her momentous decision made right after leaving him. Aside from that silence, this was a great book.
This is a well written, thoughtful account of an abusive marriage and how it can consume one's life. I liked this book because the author was honest and forthright about her struggles and wove an interesting narrative which was easy to read and thought provoking. I wished she would have given more information about her life after Jack and about the aftermath of her momentous decision made right after leaving him. Aside from that silence, this was a great book.
August 16, 2017
This could happen to any woman! The author wrote a candid, brave, authentic memoir. We can learn much from Betty Hafner. It would be an honor to to have Betty as a friend!
Does this author have a website? Perhaps she might have included some photos of her art work. She mentions her new husband and son. Was she able to conceive with her second husband? Does she maintain an ongoing friendship with her ex-husband? (I'm not sure I could.) I wish you all the best, and hope you will continue to write for publishing. Sincerely, Jordyn
Does this author have a website? Perhaps she might have included some photos of her art work. She mentions her new husband and son. Was she able to conceive with her second husband? Does she maintain an ongoing friendship with her ex-husband? (I'm not sure I could.) I wish you all the best, and hope you will continue to write for publishing. Sincerely, Jordyn
August 21, 2017
The wonder of Betty Hafner's Not Exactly Love is how she manages to tell the story of her abusive marriage without making her husband a villain. Her honesty about herself and her husband are remarkable and offer great insight to the reader. Through her, we understand an insecure woman who overlooks a man's shortcomings and marries him despite evidence of violence. We know why she stays with him and the steps and growth needed for her to ultimately find her own power so she could leave. I am impressed with Hafner's courage and kindness.
January 14, 2018
A good friend of mine recommended Betty Hafner's book. I was happy to find that the book was well written, informative, and such a heartfelt story. I was able to feel her confusion as to 'what' the definition of LOVE can be. I am happy that the story had a happy resolution.
I would recommend this book to anyone as it portrays the ups and downs of a relationship as well as the difficulty of choosing a new path.
Enjoy the Moments
I would recommend this book to anyone as it portrays the ups and downs of a relationship as well as the difficulty of choosing a new path.
Enjoy the Moments
April 13, 2018
"Why doesn't she just leave?"
If you have ever found yourself asking that question then this is the read for you. It was interesting to hear directly from the person in the abusive relation and their reasons and rationales for staying, and what ultimately drives them to get out. Great work, Betty!
I received a complimentary copy of this audiobook from the publisher/author in exchange for a voluntary honest review.
If you have ever found yourself asking that question then this is the read for you. It was interesting to hear directly from the person in the abusive relation and their reasons and rationales for staying, and what ultimately drives them to get out. Great work, Betty!
I received a complimentary copy of this audiobook from the publisher/author in exchange for a voluntary honest review.
September 1, 2017
I won this book on Goodreads and found it to be an interesting read. She told her story in such a way that you felt the emotions she was going through in the chronological order of how they hit her. She was in a bad place but trying to work it out until the final pages of the book. I recommend this book as a true story of "Not Exactly Love"
January 6, 2021
I received this from the Goodreads giveaway program.
This was a fast past read, I tend to read memoirs faster than I do novels.
What went on in her marriage made me upset. It was hard to read every time he hit her. Knowing she was scared and afraid, but to frightened to do anything. I'm glad she finally freed herself from such an unloving relationship.
This was a fast past read, I tend to read memoirs faster than I do novels.
What went on in her marriage made me upset. It was hard to read every time he hit her. Knowing she was scared and afraid, but to frightened to do anything. I'm glad she finally freed herself from such an unloving relationship.
August 9, 2017
(possible spoilers)
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While reading this book I had so many conflicting feelings and emotions. I couldn't understand why Betty just didn't leave. I felt like she had a decent enough support system and she would be okay. I questioned her character in the baby situation, but I understand her, too. Overall, it was a quick read with a pleasant ending after lots of disturbing scenarios.
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While reading this book I had so many conflicting feelings and emotions. I couldn't understand why Betty just didn't leave. I felt like she had a decent enough support system and she would be okay. I questioned her character in the baby situation, but I understand her, too. Overall, it was a quick read with a pleasant ending after lots of disturbing scenarios.
October 19, 2017
This book shows what the dynamic is like being in an abusive relationship. The fear, walking on eggshells, crazy making conversations, name calling, put downs, managing down of ones self esteem, made to feel like a prisoner. All of that is taking place long before the physical violence starts. I am glad Betty was able to get out of (Escape) the relationship and move on to a better life.
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