You know the memoir you're reading has fallen short when -- despite its unthinkably tragic subject -- it leaves you feeling cold. I should've felt extraordinary, complicated sympathy for Joseph Luzzi, who became "a widower and a father" on the very same day, but instead I found myself judging him -- and not at all unfairly, I don't think. I understand that people navigate grief and mourning in vastly different ways (including, at times, failing to navigate altogether). My problem with Luzzi is not that he ran from his responsibilities as a father, but that, even in retrospect, he never really acknowledges having done so. He leaves his almost-80-year-old mother to essentially raise his daughter while he throws himself into polishing his CV, playing tennis and amorous flings -- and he endlessly frames his selfish behavior as the rebuilding of his life. I'm sorry, but it never comes across as that to me: his life is rebuilt, yes, but incidentally -- his actions never seem like "rebuilding" (on the page, anyway), like a new construction of one's foundations. He is terrified of facing the haunted realities with which he's confronted. But he never frames it that way, never calls a spade a spade -- instead, it's this incessant habit of framing his running away as necessary for his healing (if I had a dollar for every time the tennis courts were referred to as a "refuge"), as though he means to convince himself that his cowardice (understandable cowardice, true, but cowardice all the same) were something other or more dignified than what it is. And the fact that he's always writing about others with scorn makes him seem less a man suffering a loss than, frankly, an asshole. When he writes that Match users "consider the daughter of a single parent 'baggage'," you're left wanting to answer him: "painting with an awfully wide brush, aren't we?" And I find his attitude toward his mother contemptible. Sometimes this attitude of exception manifests itself in very subtle ways ("Now a vibrant and hyperarticulate four, Isabel bore little resemblance to the little girl who clung to Nonnie's skirts like a lemur"). I see, so now that your daughter is under your refined auspices, she's "vibrant and hyperarticulate," whereas when she was being raised by your mother, she was an animal. And again, perhaps Luzzi doesn't intend a passage like this to be read as critical or contemptuous of his mother, but that is how it reads. Or how about when his mother, at his second wedding, tells him, after the speeches have been made: "I too wanted to talk." And then after musing on what his mother have said, he concludes: "My mother said none of these things because she was not one to sing her own praises." No, Mr. Luzzi, your mother said none of those things because you didn't ask her if she'd like to speak at your wedding. And you didn't ask her to speak at your wedding because you're embarrassed by her. Or how about when he gives in to his daughter's upset, and Helena, the violinist who will become his second wife, tells him: "You're such a Luzzi," using his mother's unaffected, working-class pronunciation of the Z -- the name of his mother, then, becoming an acceptable, teasing insult.
I found the book infuriating. For every brilliant insight Luzzi has into the particulars and shocks of grief (and there are many such insights, especially in the book's second chapter), there are a half-dozen moments when I felt like strangling him for his short-sightedness or his elitist contempt. Consider this passage: "I wanted to have my domestic cake, with Katherine as stay-at-home mom, and eat it too, with her also going out and earning some money in a job that wouldn't overly tax or distract her. Please, God, just let her earn $50,000 a year, I prayed, sometimes loud enough for Katherine to hear. I never imagined a life of financial hardship for us, not after all those years of study and sacrifice." Are you shitting me? I realize the cost of living in your neck of the woods is likely quite high, but you're a tenured university professor. Are you that out-of-touch with most of America, that you think the only people who'll be reading your book are from the Ivory Tower you inhabit? that you think writing about a combined household income of at least $150,000 a year can, in any universe, be described as "financial hardship"?
I should have loved this book. I, like Luzzi, come from a blue-collar family and was the first person in my family (including parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) to earn a Bachelor's degree -- and am still the only person in my family to have earned a Master's degree. I have an obsessive love of tennis. I've experienced unmooring grief and trauma in my own marriage. And I have a keen understanding of how literature can correct our wayward, storm-tossed courses.
But I just found Luzzi so unlikable as to make identification with him almost impossible.
I disclose that I received this book from the publisher.