Four Seasons of Loneliness: A Lawyer's Case Stories

by J.W. Freiberg

What happens when loneliness engulfs us? How do we manage life when the absence of adequate connections becomes an excruciating hunger?


During his extraordinary decades-long career as an attorney, J. W. Freiberg consulted on hundreds of cases involving clients affected by chronic and debilitating loneliness. Here, in four adapted stories from his practice, he reveals how loneliness can impact us in every season of our lives. A fascinating cast of characters emerges: the traumatized teenager forever branded as a sexual predator, the man who spends the prime of his life in solitary confinement in Mao-era China, the truck driver whose self-education isolates him from his community, and the professor at the end of his life who has vast knowledge about the history of love but none to call his own.


Told through Freiberg’s unique lens of a social psychologist turned lawyer, Four Seasons of Loneliness explores the fallout of losing the connections so fundamental to our survival and the ways in which we seek to find again the bonds that sustain us.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Memoir

290 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 28, 2016

About the author

J. W. Freiberg holds a PhD from UCLA and a JD from Harvard Law School. He is the author of the prize-winning book "Four Seasons of Loneliness: A Lawyer's Case Stories" and two earlier books, "Critical Sociology: European Perspectives" and "The French Press," as well as the editor of "Growing Up Lonely: Disconnection and Misconnection in the Lives of our Children." Freiberg is a member of the Massachusetts state bar and the bar of the Supreme Court of the United States, and he serves as a justice of the peace in Massachusetts, where he resides with his wife, near their children.

His book "Four Seasons of Loneliness: A Lawyer's Case Stories" has received the IPPY (Independent Publishers Book Award) Gold Prize for 2017 for best book of the year in the Psychology / Mental Health. (Sharing the honor with Lee Gutkind's "Show Me All Your Scars.")

Reviews

[Jill Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

“It’s important, my mind rambled on, to be able to be alone, to be at peace with oneself, and to maintain one’s integrity, even in a crowd. But it’s equally important to be connected to others, to nurture the attachments one has to family and friends, which protect against loneliness the way an umbrella protects against rain. The challenge, I said to myself, is to be able to do a good job of being alone and a good job of being together; two very different skills indeed.”
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I was contacted about this book by the publicist, and it was a most fortuitous event when it happened. I am a lawyer, by way of studying philosophy, as well as a life-long reader. The initial email was intriguing to me, given those facts, to say the least:

"According to author J.W. Freiberg, loneliness is at the heart of many of the problems we face – as individuals and as a society. Freiberg, a social psychologist-turned-lawyer, certainly has a unique perspective. He’s adapted the stories of four clients from his practice in his new book, Four Seasons of Loneliness: A Lawyer’s Case Stories, where he shows us real-life examples of how people have handled (or not handled) loneliness. He offers answers to:
– What happens when loneliness engulfs us?
– How do we manage life when the absence of adequate connections becomes an excruciating hunger?
– How do we seek to again find these emotional bonds that sustain us?

During his extraordinary decades-long career as an attorney, Freiberg consulted on hundreds of cases involving clients affected by chronic and debilitating loneliness. He reveals how loneliness can impact us in every season of our lives. A fascinating cast of characters emerges:
– the traumatized teenager forever branded as a sexual predator
– the man who spends the prime of his life in solitary confinement in Mao-era China
– the truck driver whose self-education isolates him from his community
– the professor at the end of his life who has vast knowledge about the history of love, but none to call his own."

With that as my set-up, I expressed resounding interest in the book. When it arrived, its lovely cover immediately caught my eye – and now that I’ve finished the book, I’ve come to realize that the artwork is not only visually appealing but also poignantly appropriate in its encapsulation of the turning tides of time and the life-cycle of solitude and loneliness…

The book opens with an explanation of what it is intended to cover – this isn’t loneliness in the “I’m bored today” or even the “my [insert important personality in your life] just left/died/moved away” sense. What Freiberg is talking about – and warning against – is ontological loneliness. Cosmic loneliness. An utter and complete lack of intense personal connection beyond the borders of one’s own self. The stories are heartbreaking because they force us to think about what it would mean to be truly, epically alone, to have literally no one know who you really are. I don’t know how common this type of loneliness actually is – I really rather hope not very, because if these stories taught me one thing, it is that there is almost no perceivable happy ending for people who truly suffer from it. They may develop coping mechanisms to get through (and even seemingly enjoy) daily life, but on the whole, the truly lonely life is a devastating state to contemplate and must be an even more devastating one to live…

You’d think that, with this type of ultimate isolation at its core, the book would be difficult to read, full of hopelessness and despair. Ironically, it is not at all. Perhaps this is because Freiberg has a lovely, engaging, conversational writing style. He must be a phenomenal letter writer – he has a marvelous ability to make a one-sided presentation of information feel like a back-and-forth dialogue. It helps that large portions of the stories he relates are presented in the story-tellers’ own voices, but it’s more than that – even the introductory and explanatory texts have this feel, which makes the book an easier-than-anticipated read. But perhaps it is also because, through the presentation of these case studies, and a very concise and well thought out epilogue/conclusion, Freiberg manages to explain not only what true loneliness looks like and why it is a problem but – more importantly – how to prevent it from taking over one’s life.

This is a lovely, thoughtful exegesis on connection and isolation, on life and love. The latter two are topics that receive a lot of attention; the former (especially isolation), not so much. I think people are afraid to talk about loneliness and isolation, afraid to admit to them – they are powerful forces, with tremendous ability to undermine and break down, and they’re often misunderstood (accidentally or deliberately) as synonyms for inner strength or independence or stoicism. But despite how the terms are often presented, they are NOT interchangeable. To be a strong and independent individual requires connectivity, it isn’t weakened by it. That perception is, I think, all too common – and due, in large measure, to an inappropriate conflation of dependence and connectivity. Connections make us stronger – they imply give AND take; dependencies make us weaker because they are all about the take. Dependence inherently carries with it isolation – a removal of everything BUT the thing/person/fact of dependence. Freiberg does a lovely job of presenting these complex ideas without explicitly telling you he is doing so. He sets up his case studies as stories, but if you look behind the front-lines of those stories you realize rather quickly that he has used a deft hand to insert lessons and insights of significant complexity into the seemingly straightforward tales.

I cried through significant portions of the first case study, and at the conclusions of two of the three others. Yet, ultimately, I feel hopeful – not hopeless – after reading the book. Freiberg needs to be credited with teaching a major lesson about the importance of awareness – awareness of our connectivity in and to the world, of the dangers of isolation and rationalizing its dangers away, and of knowing not only ourselves but also others. This is a marvelous exploration of the human psyche – and soul – and the interconnectedness that grounds both to create full, actualized, human beings. I look forward to more from Dr. Freiberg – I’m sure there are many other hidden aspects of the human condition that his insightfulness could help bring into the light…

[Mitch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not a self-help book—kinda brutal actually. Kinda cool that this is something 40+ years in the making for the author, recounting some of his stranger legal cases that involved loneliness. But so much of the dialog was a little to convenient and it could be hard to swallow. Also, it's meant to be a sort of study in loneliness, but I didn't come away with much.

[Sigrun Hodne · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's not all that clear that loneliness is the self-evident common denominator in this book - the case stories told don't resemble one another, and loneliness is only one among many problems and challenges exposed throughout the text. Still there is one common feature, just as important for the reader as the loneliness theme, and that is the way the author presents his material. The 4 life-stories in FOUR SEASONS OF LONELINESS are all told in a very respectful way by an exceptionally wise & sympathetic narrator. The topic of the book is more than grave, but as a text, and as a work of social psychology, FOUR SEASONS OF LONELINESS was definitely a pleasure to read.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not put this book down. I finished this in one go. The language was beautiful. I cried multiple times. The book was incredibly thoughtful. I highly recommend this book, especially for anyone with trauma, depression, or loneliness.

[Lolo Onda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! I received a copy of it (+ a few of Freiberg's other books) through the Goodreads Giveaway and I knew that from the beginning of the book that I would find the book very interesting. I agree with some of the reviews that said that this book is definitely not just about loneliness, so the title is a bit misleading. Loneliness seems to just be one of a few themes presented throughout the book. I found each of the four case studies to be interesting and thought provoking. Definitely worth a read!

[Elsa Eklund · Rating 2 out of 5]

Första berättelsen av boken, dvs 1/4 av boken, var superintressant och berörande, och skulle självklart ha fått 4/5 stjärnor. Tyvärr höll inte de tre resterande berättelserna samma mått. Vissa delar av berättelserna var relativt intressanta, speciellt rättegången gällande trafikolyckan, men jag anser ändå att det kunde ha valts bättre historier för att förmedla och beskriva ensamhet. I sig själv var inte boken dålig, men den talade inte till mig riktigt starkt!

[Olga · Rating 3 out of 5]

книга має цікаву ідею: показати відчуття самотності через досвід людей різного віку, особливості цій розповіді додає те, що всі ці люди в якийсь час свого життя стали клієнтами адвоката. автор багато роздумує над тим, що таке справжня самотність та що стає перепоною на шляху до інших людей, і хоча історії героїв викликають співчуття, великі частини розповіді, як на мене, доволі одноманітні та викликають бажання пролистати далі.

[Michael D · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've not read John Grisham but were he to collaborate on a book with Irvin Yalom, this is what I imagine the result would be. Containing 4 case studies that completely beguiled me, this is a thought-provoking read and one which makes me want to read more by Freiberg. Possibly the most unputdownable book I have read this year. Warning-contains stories of extreme trauma.

[Andrea Schemehorn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The theme of loneliness as a connection between the four stories in this book is somewhat tenuous, but it's also almost inconsequential. The author, who is a practicing attorney with an academic background in social psychology, composed four thoughtful and respectful narratives that I would have consumed and loved individually or as a set.

[crx · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars ⭐️ 4 very different stories coming together to highlight the importance of social connections and interactions in this increasingly lonely world.

[Lesley · Rating 5 out of 5]

true stories, I loved the life lessons in these stories

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating case studies of people in extreme situations, resulting in extreme isolation. While I realize these are based on real life scenarios, and that real life scenarios rarely resolve to our satisfaction; it was particularly unsettling to not know how things turned out for the unfortunate young man in the 'loneliest boy' chapter.

My 93 year old father lives alone, and I know that he struggles with loneliness. Ironically, he is not 'alone' with that feeling. "Think about it, between a quarter and a third of American adults live alone, eat alone, and sleep alone". This book tells us that chronically lonely people are significantly more likely to develop a range of health problems. I wonder as us 'Boomers' continue to retire, if loneliness will become our next pandemic.

Yet, loneliness doesn't only afflict the elderly. I learned that children, even babies, can feel terribly alone and disconnected.

Our American sense of individualism can make it more difficult to feel connected. "In the East, connection with others and immersion in teh collectivity is basic to social life and an integral part the worldview. "

"it is equally important to be connected to others, to nurture the attachments one has to family and friends, which protect against loneliness the way an umbrella protects against rain."

Merged review:

Very interesting set of case studies about loneliness. Using real life scenarios as the basis for this book made it interesting; yet this also meant we didn't get a final 'resolution' to each of the stories. I came away unsettled about the unknown future of the unfortunate young man featured in the first chapter. He had run away, and we did not find out if he ultimately found connection and/or happiness.

Loneliness is pandemic - the author estimates between one quarter and one third of Americans lives alone. I know that my 93 year old dad struggles with loneliness, even though his children do visit and
check in with him frequently. It's not quite the same as when my mom was alive.

I learned that loneliness adversely impacts ones physical health; all the more reason to make efforts to stay connected with friends and family.

As I read this in 2020, I recognize the additional challenges that the Corona Virus pandemic has placed upon us; that has likely resulted in even greater isolation and lack of connection. We need to be ever-more creative to find ways to stay connected and stave off a sense of despair and loneliness.

Stay well. Stay connected.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

This thought-provoking book makes a strong argument for the consequences of loneliness though four tragic stories. Loneliness is still fairly underexposed as a public health issue, and Freiberg does a fine job of explaining what consequences manifest at different stages in life.

Over Freiberg's career, it seems he has had rich and varied experiences with people dealing with loneliness, and the four cases he chose to explore were well-realized. Childhood is represented by a tragic story of two siblings who were born into an incestuous household, and then were torn apart in the adoption system. Young adulthood is represented by the remarkable story of the first American to be connected to Mao's inner circle, and then was sentenced to solitary confinement twice. Middle age was represented by the sad story of a sensitive, yet alienated truck driver involved in a devastating accident, and old age represented by a charming old professor who studied love but ironically could not find it. In these descriptions, you can obviously see how well these stories fit the overarching theme, but they are also interesting and emotionally gripping in and off themselves. Freiberg was a compassionate narrator, and since it seems like he had a varied career, I wished to read more of his cases and experiences after reading this book.

I like that while Freiberg is compassionate, he also portrays himself and fellow lawyers with "warts and all". It makes it more enjoyable to read books by lawyers when not everyone is Atticus Finch. He is humble in acknowledging his privileges in life when comparing his own experiences to others. I would say there are a few things that potentially could have been cut for narrative expediency (i.e., how he tracked down a certain person), but also interestingly illustrated his thought process.

I would recommend this book to people interested in public health, law, or psychology. The content is emotionally painful, but still fairly easy to read because of the author's tone and skill in writing. There is one moment of fairly graphic description of a car accident that people may want to avoid. Overall, given the intense subject matter, it still made for an enjoyable read. Freiberg concludes with some practical, research-based recommendations for examining loneliness in our own lives and others', which somewhat reduces the hopelessness one might be left with from the sad stories.

[The Book Girl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This wasn't a bad book. It is more so I just didn't know what to expect from it.

The book was a little forgetful for me. It was a little dry. Perhaps this just isn't the correct book for me. The subject matter in this book is extremely rough. When I read the description it seems interesting enough. For some reason, the book just fell a little flat.

I did like the fact it is a look upon on loneliness. The effect it has on us, not just feeling lonely because you're missing someone, but true and permanent loneliness. The kind that lingers and envelops you. The one that tastes bitter. The author uses four different case studies. These are stories that are similar to real life. The problems the people are facing are all to common place in this world.

The author uses these cases to explain the theory he has. His background is very impressive. J. W. Freiberg holds a Ph.D. from UCLA and a JD from Harvard Law School. This gave his book some more weight and allowed the book to be a little more important to me. He uses his background and knowledge to create excellent stories. The problem like I said was that they weren't every memorable. The writing was well executed.

The stories themselves are a rough read. They are filled with pain and suffering. You really can feel the loneliness in each and ever case study. I thought it was an entertaining memoir and unlike anything I had previously read.

The book has a moral. In my opinion, this book is sort of trying to explain that we all live in the world. Bad things happen to everyone. We don't get a choice in the matter. We just get a choice in how we react and perceive what is going on around us.