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350 pages, Paperback
First published April 11, 2017
I'm watching the beetle. Not the beetle I wish I was, but the bigger one who wants to kill it. Mine is golden-green, small and easy to spot. Just behind it is the larger one with a shiny, deep-black carapace, so black it seems to drink the light right from my eyes. The big one hasn't struck mine yet, it's only watching, and it tastes the air ahead to see when it should act. I can see it will strike and win, and the beetle I wish I was will die. Like everyone else, it is at war, which means its every move is inevitable and prescribed.
Looking back into the past is a lonely game of self-delusion, watching people and events move with an inevitability that never was. The history books tell everything with such certainty. But at the time, nothing seemed inevitable to me. Some things were impossible or unlikely, some things expected, but most of all, beyond the routine of daily life, the world was a mystery. We knew little until it happened.
Knowing I'll die soon doesn't bother me. There's too much to be unburdened of, the indignity and pain. The fact is that the long contest against death is relatively easy; you win every day, no matter how, until you lose. You know who holds the prize each night when you hit that pillow.
What troubles me is the struggle to stay continuous, to be a single person over time. How can I be certain it was really me who emerged from the boy in the horse farm, or from the one who carried the buckle? He doesn't feel like the same person sometimes. Part of me is still back there, looking into the future as a mystery instead of the crumbling pile it is to me now.