How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

by Jancee Dunn

‘Clever, honest and hilarious . . . her book should become a baby shower classic.’ Publishers Weekly‘Funny, honest and helpful.’ Grazia‘Loads of useful, achievable advice.’ The PoolHow did I become the ‘expert’ at changing a nappy? Jancee Dunn wondered.This, combined with a lack of sleep, a suddenly unfair division of household chores and her husband’s new found passion for very long bike rides, meant that Jancee found it hard to look at her well-meaning, clever, funny husband playing with his iPhone without feeling a white-hot rage.Like many expectant parents, they’d spent weeks researching the safest car seat but little time thinking about the titanic impact the baby would have on their marriage — and the way their marriage would affect their child.Tired of having the same fights over and over, Dunn consults the latest relationship research, solicits the counsel of renowned sex and couples therapists, canvasses friends and parents, and even consults an FBI hostage negotiator on how to effectively contain an ‘explosive situation’.Could it be that the person who got her into this position is the ally she'd forgotten she had?Funny, honest and actually helpful, this book can’t do the washing but it might just save your marriage.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Relationships, Marriage, Memoir

288 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2017

About the author

New York Times bestselling author Jancee Dunn has written five books, among them the rock memoir But Enough About Me and the essay collection Why Is My Mother Getting A Tattoo? And Other Questions I Wish I Never Had To Ask, which was a finalist for the Thurber Prize for American Humor. Her latest book, How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids, will be out in March 2017. She also writes for many publications, among them The New York Times, Vogue, Parents, Health, and Travel and Leisure. She lives in Brooklyn.

Reviews

[Heidi Wiechert · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave me so many "ah-ha" moments that after a hundred pages I started to feel like an idiot. Why did I assume that so many of these little "life after baby" marital frustrations had only ever happened to me? How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids made me feel like I was part of a larger group called 'mothers who try to do it all and feel secretly guilty that they can't and wonder how everybody else does it.' What a relief to know it wasn't just me.

Dunn weaves her personal stories in with interviews from experts in fields as diverse as couples' counseling to organizational gurus on a quest to save her sanity and her marriage from the hole that it had fallen into post-baby. She is largely successful and gives plenty of tips that readers can incorporate immediately into their lives.

But, I was bothered by the, what I interpreted as, straight-up manipulation of her husband. Yes, Dunn is simply following expert advice, but reading about her self-satisfied crowing as she changes some of his more irritating behaviors felt disrespectful. I mean, husband Tom is going to read this book. I would feel devastated if my spouse wrote those sorts of things about me for millions of people to read and dissect. Granted, he was clued in that things were being recorded in a tell-all book, but still.

"When I was six months pregnant with my daughter, I had lunch with a group of friends, all of whom were eager to pass along their hard-won scraps of parental wisdom. ... " ... get ready to hate your husband," said my friend Lauren. ... Wrong, I told her calmly. I listed various reasons why our relationship was solid... But my friend Lauren was right." locs 115-140 ebook. We joke about how babies change lives but it's not really funny, is it. It is a legit problem that marital happiness decreases because of less sleep, less money, less time, less sex... no need to go on.

Dunn begins her efforts to change her situation when she realizes that she's reached a breaking point. "Our daughter is now six, and Tom and I still have endless, draining fights. Why do I have the world's tiniest fuse when it comes to the division of childcare and household labor? I am baffled that things have turned out this way." loc 158. In cringe-inducing honesty, Dunn admits to being verbally abusive to her spouse. My stomach actually churned when I read the sorts of things that she'd call him during fights. That part of the memoir made me very glad that she decided she didn't want to live like that because I know that I wouldn't have wanted that either.

I learned a lot about "maternal gatekeeping," a pernicious practice where a mother discourages fathers from interacting with their children because of an internal belief that she knows better how to do EVERYTHING. And also, I learned about the importance of blocking time on weekends for personal rejuvenation and rest. "And must we be compulsively busy every second of the day, briskly doing something "useful"? Nonstop activity can be addictive, but it's a mistake, warns the University of Houston's Brene Brown, a mom of two." loc 1697. Word. Everybody needs to chill out, calm down and unwind.

We also need to appreciate each other more. At the end of the day and on the other side of all of the experts, Dunn comes to a dozen important realizations. One of which, appreciation, seems to be the magic bullet for most of her formerly-insurmountable marriage woes. It isn't a new message but it is one that is worth repeating.

Recommended for parents of all ages, How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids contains wisdom for just about every troublesome situation that one may find themselves in after children. Let's hope the book can live up to its title.

Thank you to NetGalley and Little, Brown and Company for a free digital copy of this book.

[Lindsay · Rating 2 out of 5]

Granted, I'm not the target audience for this book, because I don't hate my husband. It was actually gratifying to read expert advice on how to interact with your spouse and think, "What? Everyone doesn't do that?" But I found the "husbands suck" premise offensive and cliché, and the "make your partner do half the work" message misguided. Your partner only does less than half the work if 1) they're an a-hole, and/or 2) you do more than half the work. The book could have been two sentences long: "Don't marry a-holes. Only do half the work." (Oh, and "Say nice things to the person you have committed to for life and are raising children with." So, three sentences.)

Two stars because a couple of the stats were interesting, but in general I think this was just a bad fit for me.

[Dana · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you only ever read one self-help book let it be this one. It's almost a five for one deal in that the author has painstakingly researched and ferreted out the best of the best in various areas of psychology that is vital for a healthy marriage.

I think that many, if not most women can relate to the cover image of this book. The harried, flustered mother just trying to get by day by day with as much sanity as she started with, while her frustratingly nonchalant husband casually lives life by the seat of his pants. Probably because he has what we don't...a wife looking out for everything!

I loved how thorough this book was. Everything that could be affecting a marriage was included in here, from chore distribution to sex life and date nights (or lack thereof), to child discipline to anger issues and ostrich syndrome (hiding your head under the sand). There really are so many moving parts in a marriage, and so many seemingly small things that can make a huge difference. I loved that they were all addressed in a very genuine and thoughtful manner.

The author was so honest in this book, I was very impressed. I think that honesty is what made this book impossible to put down. You can't help but trust in her genuine desire to fix her marriage. That raw desire for improvement seeps off of the page and you find your own ember for change and happiness reignited.



Buy, Borrow or Bin Verdict: Buy (This would also make a great baby shower gift!)

Check out more of my reviews here

Note: I received this book for free in exchange for an honest review.

[Amy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Jancee Dunn is a terrible writer who inexplicably thinks she is hilarious, and fills her awful book with *constant* unfunny asides and parenthetical expressions until you want to throw it across the room. This is also known as Heidi Murkoff syndrome. This memoir of two Brooklyn hipsters hiring a team of experts to teach them to parent is just as insufferable as it sounds. And I'm still confused about the title, because when she flies off the handle and calls her husband "useless piece of crap" for not wanting spaghetti, it seems like maybe he's not the problem here.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to admit that I picked this book up from the library because of the title. An added bonus was going to the library and picking this up with my husband! I literally couldn’t stop giggling. He was… concerned?



When I told some girlfriends I was pregnant after the squeals of delight, they warned me that inevitably, during the newborn phase, I was going to hate my husband. This made me nervous because…. I like my husband, and I like liking him!! I mean, the man already has to compete with my fictional boyfriends on a daily basis. Must we throw in post-baby hatred? Honestly, I was scared of who we were going to become once the baby came. When our baby arrived, I began to understand all the conversations I’d heard about a woman’s mental load & the invisible labor of running a household. I won’t go so far as to say I hated my husband, but I will say steam came out of my ears once when he remarked how tired he was after I had spent the night up with the baby.



While I picked up the book for the cheeky title, I found the subject matter fascinating. I truly enjoyed the authors writing and found her to be funny. Which I think is a non-negotiable when it comes to non-fiction (depending on the subject matter). I liked how vulnerable she was about her own relationship and found her writing to be accessible. While a good chunk of this book was about navigating your marriage with kids, an equally helpful portion was also focused on how to be a great parent. The beauty of this book is she gives you actual, actionable steps you can take.



I was quoting this book so often to my husband he’s decided he’s going to read it, which I’m thrilled about.



This is a super fast read which was appreciated! Just give me the hits so I can go back to my B.R.A.Ds!


As my baby is only two months old and my first, our life is still pretty easy. I feel like this book helped me navigate my changing relationship with my husband and laid the groundwork as my son grows up.



I will also say that I got this from the library, but I wish I owned it. There’s a lot of material I wanted to highlight and revisit, so I might buy myself a copy! I will definitely be gifting this book to my friends as they become moms. I will be tucking this bad boy in with my “new mom” gifts next to the nice bath salts and a bottle of vino.

[Wick Welker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Alternate title: How to Put on Kid Gloves for Your Lazy Husband.

This is not a bad book at all particularly if you’re in a heteronormative marriage and with children. The issues the woman author faces with her children along with their husband are nearly universal for married couples and if you haven’t read or worked through a lot of this stuff, then this book will be a useful anecdote for you. But read something by Gottman before you read something like this. This book certainly does have some lightly researched good tips and tricks for marriage discord, but it doesn't go beyond pop-psychology stuff.

However, this book made me kind of sad because this isn’t about how a married couple learns to work together better. This book is more about a woman finding life hacks to deal with her kind of lazy and selfish husband and how you can follow these same hacks so you’re not a miserable crank anymore. Okay, is the husband in this bad? No, not relatively. He seems like a caring and loving husband and father. However, the stuff he tries to get away with are kind of ridiculous like a teenager would. I’m a husband and father and I would NEVER go on a Saturday morning 5 hour bike ride, come home, shower and then nap and play on my phone while my wife did everything with my child. I would NEVER forget to pick up my daughter at school after a previously agreed plan, forcing my wife to beg a friend's babysitter—who you don’t even know—to go pick her up. The husband is kind of a wandering selfish dude who occasionally takes time from his computer chess obsession to play games with his daughter. Does he go to couples counseling to shut his wife up? Yep. Does he re-learn how to respond to his wife so she doesn’t nag him? Yep. Is he a reformed and equal partner in raising a child and managing a household? Nope.

This book will teach women how to lower their expectations out of fear that they don’t fulfill the prophecy they hold about themselves in becoming an angry shrew like their mothers before them. The dynamic in this book shows you exactly why mothers are misperceived as hostile, angry, rigid, not-fun and—crazy. It’s precisely because of all the unmeasured and non-visible planning, worrying and managing a household that mostly women (including working women) do ALONE, that makes them resent the blissfully unaware oldest child in their family: their husband. A wife starts to “nag” because she’s asked her husband ten thousand times before to do that one thing. She’s angry because she has legitimate reasons to be angry and is shouldering the vast majority of the domestic work burden. There is a reason for the stereotype to arise in a marriage and the blame almost always rests squarely on the lazy, bachelor-like husband. Does the author here have some work to do? Sure, she admits she’s sarcastic and verbally abusive. And yes, while that may be true, it’s the dynamic in play perpetuated by the lazy husband that is to blame. So, while the author here admittedly needs to work on her anger, her husband needs to work on everything else. Which he superficially did enough to ameliorate his wife to write this book.

[Little · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have a master's degree in music therapy, which means I've taken quite a number of college level classes on counseling and psychology. In addition to my formal education, for fun I've read books on relationships, marriage, and parenting, in addition to counseling and psychology books for general audiences.

It's not surprising, then, that everything Dunn covers in this book I've heard before. Although there was nothing new for me, I probably would still recommend this book, simply because it brings a number of good ideas together into one place, and it presents everything as easy to implement pieces of advice.

OK, if you don't have a degree in counseling or a related field, the book is hereby recommended to you for the useful advice contained therein. Now I'm going to complain.

The last chapter is a recap of literally everything Dunn learned. You could just read that and skip everything else. It's like the whole book in magazine article format.

Even discounting the final chapter, there's a lot of repetition. Dunn even manages to recycle some of her jokes into several locations.

Speaking of jokes, the reviews all say this book is funny. It's maybe "give a wry half smile" funny, but if you're expecting to laugh, you may be disappointed.

Dunn is a work-from-home, upper-middle class, city-dwelling white woman with a single precious child and a close-knit extended family. A lot of space in this book is filled with minutia about Dunn and her particular life, schedule, desires, fears, relationships, etc. If you are not demographically similar to Dunn, you may be hard pressed to find yourself within these pages. That doesn't mean the advice won't apply to you, but it does mean you probably won't like listening to Dunn give that advice.

And finally, I didn't like listening to Dunn. Despite the fact that the book is liberally doused with quotations from other people, I got tired of her voice, so to speak. I felt like she came across as elitist and entitled, and it took a lot of mental energy for me to try to relate to her.

[Tara · Rating 2 out of 5]

So, obvious disclaimer: I don't hate my husband. After hearing an interview with the author on a podcast I listen to, and running across the audiobook on my library app, I figured I'd give it a listen to see if I could glean any new tips.

This book would fall into the same category as Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, which a more sarcastic person might describe as "incredibly privileged NYC mom tries to make her dream life even better." 

The premise of this book is that the author realized she was fighting with her husband more frequently and with a lot more vitriol after the birth of their only child. After reading a study that shows the impact of unhappy parents on their children, she decides to do whatever it takes to stop fighting with her husband. At first, she's doing it for the sake of her daughter, but by the end, she realizes she should have been doing it for her marriage/husband all along. 

The phrase that comes to mind is "stunt journalism." Dunn basically just compiles a bunch of popular relationship/parenting advice, and then narrates how it changed her life. My biggest complaint is that she didn't really engage with the sources or build upon the research. It felt a little formulaic. Go to expert, get advice, follow advice and yay, it worked! You could just go directly to her sources (I'll post links at the end) and bypass the book entirely. The only thing you'd miss were her personal anecdotes, but I found her volatile temper kinda disturbing. I think she was playing it up for laughs, but I just don't find outbursts funny. :-/

I think the author was trying to meet a real need in the market of marriage/parenting books, which are usually written for those in breadwinner/homemaker roles, and I think that's why this book gets recommended so frequently in circles without a traditional configuration. It seeks to help couples work through things like how to divide household jobs if both spouses work full-time. It challenges the idea that chores are gendered, which is a worthwhile conversation to have, even if you disagree with her. We are about to enter into a 3-month phase where our roles will shift pretty dramatically, and I'm interested to see how it will go. Though, if anything, I think Christian should have read this book to figure out how to deal with *me*, as I tend to be the one who doesn't see household tasks until they've hit DEFCON 5.

As promised, here are some of the sources Dunn consults. 

The Five Love Languages

The Gottman Institute's theory of emotional bids

The book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It which I actually reviewed on Goodreads awhile back, written by a hostage negotiator on how to resolve conflict.

[Simmone Colwell · Rating 2 out of 5]

Couple funny parts but this was kinda crap. Maybe it’s meant for people on the verge of divorce? I didn’t find it relatable. The author is very privileged. The book opens describing the gender gap in household work and that men are perfectly capable doing more, but choose not to...then offers “scientific” studies that basically give men an out for shitty behaviour. Frequently refers back to sociological behaviours of cave-people as if this is gospel and also applicable at all as an explanation for modern behaviour. The author admits to being abusive towards her husband but does little self reflection on the issue while going absolutely scorched earth on him for avoiding her tirades. Many of the topics and stats seem dated in the COVID era. The author has a glaring blind spot: mental load. While she painstakingly meets therapists and experts trying to prevent her failing marriage from falling apart and dragging her child’s well-being down with it, she often excuses her husband from even attending, and makes further remarks about how despondent he is for her to even approach these topics time and again. Her therapists while seemingly well intended, often pile on her to continue upholding a staggering mental load. Tell him what you need done? Why can’t he see that his daughter needs to be dressed and dress her? Give him compliments so he decides to do things? So we’re manipulating each other now? All around, this book TRIES and FAILS to have an egalitarian or feminist-leaning approach, and makes excuses for shitty partners while asking women to take on further work of essentially housetraining their useless man children.

Gladly, my situation is vastly different! While I’d hoped to get some laughs and feel naughtily relatable, this was more like a dystopian novel for me.

[Crazytourists_books · Rating 2 out of 5]

"one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a loving relationship with your spouse..."
Sometimes, we tend to forget that.

This book was not what I anticipated. I expected a funny, light book and I got a self improvement book. Not that I minded.
I found some of the situations disturbingly exagerated, some having lots in common with (my) real life and some beyond reality (some things just cannot be done).
I am not sure what this book offered me but I would give it to my spouse to read. After all women come from Venus and men from Mars, don't they? We'll always need a little bit of translation between us!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has been mentioned a lot in a moms FB group I'm in, so I decided to check it out. The unfortunate title (which I assume was chosen by an editor in order to sell books) put me in an awkward position as I tried to explain it to my husband, but as it turns out, the book was less about dealing with a bad husband and more about learning to be a good partner. I honestly took more from it about how I can adjust my own behavior rather than my husband's, and came to the conclusion that my husband's communication skills are probably why our marriage is pretty good already. We're about to add another kid into the mix, so it was a good time for me to read this and get some perspective.

Here's a favorite line from one of the therapists Dunn sees:
"Life is unpredictably short, and you and the person you have chosen to be with for the rest of your life are arguing about housework. It's not worth it."

There are great tips in here for any couple, ranging from communication to time and money management. But one big disappointment with the book is that the subject is explored through the lens of the author's personal life -- entertaining and readable to be sure, but potentially alienating to readers of different socioeconomic status.

I found this passage, for example, particularly nauseating:
"I race in, late from a stint as a volunteer cafeteria helper at my daughter's school, and slide onto the bench next to my friend, who, with her willowy frame and wavy red hair, resembles a contemporary version of Millais's painting of Ophelia. Both of us are wearing a variation of the Brooklyn mom uniform: striped shirt, skinny jeans, small gold earrings fashioned into an "organic" shape, Bold Lip. I order my usual avocado toast on pepita multigrain with a house-made ginger ale; for Jenny, the triple kale salad..."

The book just drips with privilege -- how many of us can afford to eat out at such a restaurant regularly enough to have a "usual"? Or have the job flexibility to volunteer at their kid's school during the day? Dunn assumes an upper-middle-class audience whose lives are consumed by sports practice, music lessons, and weekend birthday parties. It's fine to write a book aimed at this audience, but not okay to fail to acknowledge that this set of circumstances is not the norm for many Americans.

[Jess | thegreeneyedreader · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars - This was pretty good. I thought it would be more comedic than self-help, but it was pretty much a self-help type book with a few laughs at the beginning. I did take some valuable points from it, but it didn’t really help me feel less annoyed with my husband. Meh, maybe I’ll revisit some of the points later.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. This book should have been titled "Case study in couples therapy for a marriage between two white, upper-middle-class freelance writers with one child." If you happen to have a very similar personality to the author, with the same stereotype of husband, and one well-behaved elementary school kid, you'll find this book spot-on.

I did find it valuable for the lists of various marriage-improvement techniques and strategies. I'll look into some of them further. But I was disappointed in the lack of attention to the "After Kids" part of the title. The book does very little to discuss how marriages change with 1, 2, or more kids, and during different stages of the kids' lives (newborn vs toddler vs older kids, etc).

[Ross · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't let the title of the book scare you away from reading it; it's wasn't a terrible read. Jancee Dunn did her research and was able to cite several reputable scientists, researchers, therapists and other professionals to discuss many aspects of young family life and relationships. This is by no means a self-help book for the reader, more of a narrative about the author's life.

I found some of her anecdotal narratives to be really harsh, especially toward her husband, that was hard to read. She shared the tone of Julie Powell in "Julie and Julia" and I wasn't a fan of that one either. For me, it would be a challenge to be married to Jancee or a Jancee type person.

Jancee's tone aside, the advice and conversations that she and her husband Tom had about raising a child in today's world were very insightful. Tom and Jancee's interactions made me examine my own interactions with my wife and daughters.

This book sparked great conversations between my wife and me that will continue as our girls grow up. Elizabeth is also reading the book and is the reason I mostly enjoyed it as the subject (family relationships) is very applicable to our life now. I'd recommend this book to other young families especially those with young children.

[KrisTina · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this but I still hate my husband so I don't think it offered any useful information. Ha! This was fine - a Gretchen Ruben type of take of improving a marriage once kids arrive. But pretty much the whole time I read it I thought - she is married to a lazy A. So really - this just made me really happy about my own marriage. So there you go.

[Kate Kaput · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title of this book originally bummed me out and made me not want to tell people I was reading it. I don’t hate my husband! But of course, I wouldn’t have started reading it if I wasn’t feeling some sort of way about how having a baby changed (or would change) our marriage.

The dramatic title is in service of a greater good — deep, helpful, expert advice from everyone from marriage counselors to the FBI to a lady who organizes closets, whose pearls of tangible wisdom you can implement into your everyday life. Jancee Dunn has approached this self-help book so creatively, so humorously, and so thoughtfully that it can’t NOT be helpful. As I listened to the audiobook, I regularly found myself nodding along or even saying aloud, “Yes!” or “Wow!”

By the end, I felt new love and appreciation for (and understanding of) my husband, and I felt better equipped to address problem areas in our marriage that parenthood has created or highlighted. I am so grateful for the existence of this book and highly recommend it to anyone who’s committed to navigating the challenges that parenthood places on marriage. It was, ultimately, reassurance: I turned to this book because I DON’T hate my husband, and now I have strategies in hand to be sure it stays that way, no matter what life throws at us.

[Sarah Obsesses over Books & Cookies · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank u netgalley!! have one of my GR friends, Dana to thank for this. She had written that she needed this book yet wasn't approved for it so after reading the summary I though I would try to request and for some reason got it. I dove in and it was like reading about myself. I have definitely had moments where I did hate my husband but to be fair there were moments before kids. Anyway, she writes verbatim how arguments happen with her husband and they are probably familiar to every couple who has a kid. She is funny and has jam packed this book with all sorts of researched support for how people, mostly men and women, interact with each other. She brings up household duties and how they are delegated and the most helpful thing was when they drove from NY to Boston to meet with a re known therapist for a 5 hour session. The guy cost a ton but she shows how it was worth it. There were so many helpful tips in this book from how to negotiate, listen, focus on each other, how to declutter and about sex. I think any couple, not just ones with children but any couple would find this helpful, a seriously well written and researched self-help book that isn't full of platitudes and pointless exercises that you don't really do and funny stories that makes me want to be her best friend.

[Randee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was like visiting an old friend. I began reading Jancee Dunn when she published her first book and have been reading her ever since. Although I do not have kids or a husband (divorced), I found it to be interesting and insightful not only for Jancee's own struggles but as an overall view in conflict resolution. You can apply a lot of the advice, tips and suggestions that she has learned to a relationshp with a roommate, employee, boss, sibling, friend, etc. A lot of it is plain common sense and I think Ms. Dunn was brave to be so open and forthright in giving the reader a look into the problems she has encountered with her husband and child. It seems to be that in this day of instant communication through social media one cannot win in the jury of public opinion, so I hope she is thick skinned. She is sure to get some mean comments for being so open and honest. I hope she knows that she is providing genuine help to a lot of people that cannot afford therapy or counseling and her efforts are appreciated.

[David · Rating 1 out of 5]

55th book of the year: How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn. This was one of my wife's recommendations. At first I was worried I was like Tom, and Tom is a lazy self-absorbed asshole. Did she think I was like this? No, I would never just announce "hey I'm leaving for 4 days - bye!" or forget to pick up my kid because I was too concerned with riding my bicycle. The title of this book should've been "How Not to Hate Your Asshole Husband" - having kids doesn't really enter into that equation. Now, since they have a daughter, and I have a daughter, I was trying to draw what parallels I could but about halfway through, I literally said out loud "these people are assholes!" Why would you want to read a book about two spoiled rich Brooklyn hipsters spending lavish amounts of money to learn how to be decent human beings? I found this book insufferable, like a working mom's home economics version of Supersize Me, where someone does an experiment and reports the results. I would never read a book like this on my own, and unfortunately this has only buttressed my viewpoint on most modern self-help books. It was not funny or even engaging. I actually found this book made me stressed out, like living in a house with horrible people not knowing how to be parents or spouses. And I didn't need to fork out $4000 for a celebrity therapist to figure it out. Hard pass.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did roll my eyes a bit at the beginning but actually found myself getting more interested as the book went on. This is basically an overview of current approaches for improving a situation where a married heterosexual couple are raising young children together, both working outside the home, but having a lot of conflict at home much in the pattern of "the husband doesn't do enough household chores/childcare, the wife is exhausted and angry." Which is a particular set of circumstances, but anecdotally seems to be one that many households are suffering in, even if the couple intended to be more egalitarian than generations past.

I appreciated the peek into what couples counseling sessions might look like and that it included getting on the same page about finances and expecting the young children themselves to contribute to the household. My favorite part was the discussion with an FBI crisis negotiator about how to talk someone down from being incredibly angry, and how evidently those tactics were effective even when the deployer of said tactics wasn't highly trained in them (the author's husband) and the subject (the author herself) knew about them.

Highlights:

Dads feeling criticized and inferior at parenting, despite both people entering into parenthood with similar lack of practical experience:
* "maternal gatekeeping--in which mothers can swing open the gate to encourage fatherly participation, or clang it resolutely shut by controlling or limiting Dad's interactions with kids" (p37)
* "Fathers have less confidence in their parenting than mothers do at the time of the child's birth...and this often sets up an 'expert-apprentice' dynamic in which fathers are looking to mothers for validation of their parenting" (p38)
* "fathers should be encouraged to spend time alone with their infants without maternal meddling. 'Mothers can also become more conscious of their reactions to fathers' parenting...and bit their tongues regarding small stuff, like whether or not the baby's clothes match.'" (p38)

Setting boundaries around how much to give:
* "Often, men simply feel more entitled to take leisure time." (p52)
* "a woman's free time is likely to be 'contaminated,' as one study put it, by other things, such as taking care of kids or housework." (p99)
* "what Brene Brown tells me is her 'boundary mantra': choose discomfort over resentment. As she says, 'Ask yourself, 'Am I saying yes because it's more comfortable to say yes now, but I'll be more resentful at the end?'" (p235)
* "develop a little entitlement of my own" (p250)
* "sometimes I am simply jealous that he feels no guilt whatsoever about taking time to relax" (p250)

Communication:
* "When I'm counseling couples, I've noticed a pattern: if I ask a broad question like 'How are you doing?' or 'How was the week?' the husband always looks at the wife to see what she's going to say. So it's like men sort of expect that women are the ones who are taking the temperature in the relationship." (p45)
* "As crazy as it might seem, arguing or complaining can actually feel safer to most of us than simply and directly making a request." (p68)
* "can't believe how many hours I squandered fuming, in the hopes that Tom would intuitively leap in and help me out. With hindsight, I see that my expectations probably increased because I spend so much time around moms who offer constant and unthinking support: when Sylvie recently ran toward me on the playground, crying with a bloody knee, one friend handed me a wad of tissues, another a bandage, a third a lollipop for Sylvie, all without a break in our conversation" (p248)

Division of responsibilities:
* "spouses who knew exactly what to do around the house didn't spend as much time negotiating responsibilities and didn't tend to monitor and criticize each other" (have the larger conversations/check-ins, not dealing with the work needs ad-hoc) (p102)
* "many experts tell me that the best--some say only--way to teach one's husband to learn the ropes and appreciate the volume of work you do is often the technique that is least used: leave the damn house. Many husbands I know, mine included, have never spent more than a day alone with their offspring." (p109)
* "'I told my husband, 'I don't want to hear from you unless there is a fire, flood, or blood. No emails--only texts of our son looking happy, well fed, and alive.' She had a carefree, booze-soaked rendezvous, and nothing caught on fire in her absence." (p110)
* "Routine is one of the best ways I know to curb arguments--it's only when things are unclear that there's anything to fight about" (p234)
* "What you want is fewer things circulating in your brain, and for as many things to run on autopilot as possible, such as meal planning" (p234)
* "Finding the tasks your mate can't tolerate if they're neglected, and then foisting them on him, is an exciting game of strategy" (p257)

Prioritizing:
* "if you're thinking, 'I hate to see something pile up when it could be getting done,' that's emotional. If it's just annoying you, no one's gonna get motivated...asking myself what something costs me has headed off many fights, because often the answer is, 'Not too much, actually.'" (p104)
* "Are we required to attend birthday parties of classmates my daughter barely knows? We are not. A helpful way to discern if the kids are actually close is to ask my six-year-old, 'Do you know this child's favorite color? How about their pet's name? How many teeth have they lost?' Good friends are in possession of this vital information." (p106)

Doing more Montessori/"Mayan style" (per NPR) expectations of children contributing to the household:
* "God forbid we ask our kids to pitch in and lighten Mom's load."
* "contemporary parents are less authoritarian and more egalitarian with their children. 'Parents your age like to reason with their kids, like they're little adults with rational minds,' my mother says, rolling her eyes. 'No one wants to be the bad guy.'" (p170)
* "I'm not proud to say that the main reason I haven't had her do anything more arduous is that I haven't had the patience to teach her how to do chores, nor to remind her to do them." (p171)
* "think of chores as household membership requirements. So you explain to the child, 'Look, it takes a lot of work to run this family, and Daddy works at it, and I work at it, and you can work at it, too, and make a really important contribution...and when they help, you immediately say, 'Thank you! This makes a big difference.'" (p171)
* "Pickhardt often hears from parents, Oh, I'm going to wait until my kid is eight or nine, when they're old enough to really help [but] by the time your kid is in preadolescence, he says, being asked to help is an imposition--so you want to instill the habit of chores by the age of three. 'At that age, a child sees helping the parents as an act of power, as in I'm doing what my parents can do, and that feels good...It's like when the kindergarten teacher asks who wants to help erase the chalkboard and hands fly up all over the room.'" (p172)
* "Developmental research shows that young children are actually wired to pitch in. Drop something, and they'll pick it up. Reach for something that's out of reach, and they'll get it for you. Interestingly, Rende says that this tendency can diminish quickly if an adult rewards them for their helping. 'They don't want to be rewarded, at a deep level...it extinguishes their payoff because the payoff is inherently internal." (p172)
* "it may be more effective to praise them for being 'helpers' rather than give thanks for 'helping.' 'Drop a sock from the laundry pile in front of your toddler and see if he or she tries to pick it up for you without your asking--and reinforce that now and then with 'You're a good helper,' he says. 'Raise your child to be a helper and live with a little imperfection in their 'product'" (p172)
* "emphasize chores as a group effort by using the word 'we'--'We need to get this done' or 'Let's clean up the living room.' 'That gets across that we're all working together to help each other out." (p173)
* "Kids don't perceive household chores as being awful when they're very young--we're training them to do that when we complain about them" (p174)
* "the pay gap between males and females starts squarely at home, with allowance...boys get paid 15% more for the same chores done by girls" (p175)

Reducing conflict by Marie Kondo-ing and reducing stuff that needs management in the first place:
* "Clutter is a nagging reminder of things that are left undone, and contributes to a sense of overload" (p225)

[McKenna Sumrak · Rating 1 out of 5]

So many feelings about this book. I don’t hate my husband after kids but it seemed like a talked-about book among parenting friends so I thought I’d try it. I have many gripes about it though… She doesn’t cite anything but quotes people and studies nonetheless. It’s hard to trust her takeaway without verification. In addition, when she interviews and quotes professionals, they usually don’t have research in the exact area of her interest so it’s just someone’s opinion based on their background which may or may not hold up scientifically. To that end, it’s just a super subjective book. Which is fine…to some extent. I’d be okay with it for those people that it speaks to except that I actually think it’s harmful. She talks about men/husbands/fathers as if they are dumb, ignorant, and selfish so the answer is to trick them into helping. Her tactics are ones I might use on a child but never my partner. A true relationship should not be manipulated the way she and her professional interviewees suggest. While some anecdotes she shares might hit home for some, her solutions feel manipulative and controlling and the rest just feels like venting while targeting men as the worst. I do think it got better by the second half of the book but better information would come directly from the professionals themselves rather than her snippets. I felt like following a lot of the advice or perspective given in this book would degrade my relationship with my husband personally.

[Caitlin · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. This is exactly the kind of book you'd expect from a college dropout and former MTV VJ. That is, it's another mediocre, if somewhat entertaining, book on parenting by someone who doesn't really know what they're talking about. I usually prefer reading books by experts in a given field, not by journalists, and this book exemplifies why. Sure, there are some good tips on managing marital strife (though, being married to a competent human being who is perfectly comfortable changing diapers, etc. because he is a parent and not a child, much of this doesn't apply). Dunn includes no citations, and she gives equal space to actual experts and to quacks. She doesn't seem to be able to differentiate between good research on marriage and child development from BS, which admittedly isn't easy, but she did write a book on the subject. Her inclusion of Helen Fisher was particularly grating, as Fisher is treated as an authority but appears to offer no evidence for her sweeping statements about humanity. This book isn't completely worthless, but it's hyped-up way more than it deserves to be.

[Laura Watson · Rating 3 out of 5]

*edited to include update

I'm struggling to finish this book. The harsh title makes me uncomfortable bringing it anywhere and I don't relate to the couple at all. I think the tools she talks about could be good for a bickering couple but I often find myself feeling frustrated with her husband. If you forget to pick your daughter up from daycare and instead go for a long bike ride without checking your phone you deserve to get screamed at. I'm tempted to give it more stars for making me realize how lucky I am to be married to someone who isn't a total bonehead.

I finally finished this book and ultimately gave it 3 stars rather than 2. I found the second half to have a lot more useful advice about raising responsible, helpful kids.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh. The anecdotes weren't that relatable for a mom in the MidWest. Lots of statistics thrown out that are pretty common sense. Parts were affirming-- as a mom of 3, married with a full-time job. . ..yea.

Truth be told I didn't finish the book. I got bored with it.

BUT the overall take away for me-- I am thankful for my husband. Even if he drives me bonkers and doesn't do everything I wish he would. But I do have a husband who does help out a lot.

[Jeane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Game changer! Every married couple with kids needs this book! I am so happy it was recommended to me! I listened to it on audio but I'm going to buy the print version so I can refer back to it!

[January · Rating 5 out of 5]

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn (2017)
+274-page Kindle Ebook

Genre: Self-Help, Parenting, Relationships, Marriage, Communication

Featuring: Table of Contents, Epigraphs, Author's Note - Written For Healthy Marital Relationships, Journalists, Apartment Living, Brooklyn, New York; Numberless Chapters, Maters Gonna Hate, Mothers, Fathers, Issues Enough; Celebrities, Maternal Gatekeeping, “Get off Your Ass and Help Out!” Our Harrowing Encounter with the Man from Boston, Terry Real, Communication Issues, Marriage Counseling, Active Listening Skills, Rage Against the Washing Machine: How to Divvy Up Chores, Rules of Fight Club, Bids, TGIM: How Not to Hate Your Weekends After Kids, Guess What? Your Kids Can Fold Their Own Laundry, Chore Guide and List by Age, Bone of Contention, Sex Life During Parenthood, Kids: Your New Budget Deficit; Money Scripts, Hot Mess: Less Clutter, Fewer Fights; Know That Eventually It’s Going to Be Just the Two of You Again—Well, Unless Another Recession Hits, Discover More, Author's Bibliography, Praise

Rating as a movie: R for adult language

Songs for the soundtrack: "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper, "No Scrubs" by TLC

Books and Authors mentioned: Heartburn by Nora Ephron, Bossypants by Tina Fey, How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran, The Matrix by The Wachowskis, Alan Richman, This Is 40 by Judd Apatow, A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess, Clifford And The Big Storm by Norman Bridwell, Rising Strong by Brené Brown, Darby Saxbe, Titanic by James Cameron, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg and Nell Scovell; James Baldwin, The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework by Joshua Coleman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire, What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want by John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Rachel Carlton Abrams, and Douglas Carlton Abrams; And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Joan DeClaire; The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples by John M. Gottman, The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy by John M. Gottman, What Am I Feeling? by John M. Gottman, A Couple's Guide to Communication by John M. Gottman, Relationship Guides: Exercises to Improve Relationships by John M. Gottman, The Way I Feel by Janan Cain, The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, Poor Richard's Almanack by Benjamin Franklin, The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz, Small Worlds: Children and Adolescents in America, 1850-1950 by Elliott West and Paula Petrik, The Story of the Trapp Family Singers by Maria Augusta von Trapp (The Sound of Music by Richard Rodgers Oscar Hammerstein II), How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears by Elizabeth Pantley, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less by Barry Schwartz, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel H. Pink, Sexperiment: 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy with Your Spouse by Ed and Lisa Young, The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, But Doesn't, What Shouldn't Make You Happy, But Does by Sonja Lyubomirsky; Secrets of an Organized Mom by Barbara Reich, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl, Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg,

Memorable Quotes: Our scenario is not uncommon: an Ohio State study of working couples who became first-time parents found that men did a fairly equal share of housework—until, that is, they became dads. By the time their baby had reached nine months, the women had picked up an average of thirty-seven hours of childcare and housework per week, while the men did twenty-four hours—even as both parents clocked in the same number of hours at work. When it came to childcare, moreover, dads did more of the fun stuff like reading stories, rather than decidedly less festive tasks such as diaper duty (not to mention that they did five fewer hours of housework per week after the baby arrived).

When men do help around the house, says Pamela Smock, a sociology professor at the University of Michigan (with the very term help, she says, indicating that we have quite a way to go), they often choose chores with a “leisure component.” This would include yard work, driving to the store to pick up something, or busily reordering the family Netflix queue—quasi-discretionary activities that have a more flexible timetable than more urgent jobs such as hustling the kids out the door for school or making dinner (and often, many of those “leisure component” chores involve getting out of the house).
You can’t have it both ways, says Chris Routly, a blogger from Portland, Oregon, and full-time caregiver dad (a term he prefers to stay-at-home dad). He says that he understands why women are hesitant to hand over power in an area where they have traditionally held more control. “But if we are going to have equality in parenting, it is going to mean that women are going to be mindful of letting go of that,” says the father of two, who wears a “Dads Don’t Babysit” T-shirt and posts impressive shots of the Ninjago cake he baked for his son’s birthday on Instagram. “We’re all figuring it out as we go along, so I think this idea that women have this built-in superpower where they just know how to take care of children is a lie. We need to do away with it.”

In some cases, mothers are not even consciously aware that they are doing this—but even nonverbal cues of disapproval such as eye-rolling or heavy sighing can put off a hesitant father. The result is a self-reinforcing loop: as she criticizes or takes over, he grows more and more uncertain of his abilities.

Real looks steadily at Tom over his glasses. “When your work is done for the day, why wouldn’t you split everything fifty-fifty? It’s not fair. You know that. Tonight you cook; tomorrow she cooks. Tonight you put Sylvie to bed; tomorrow she puts Sylvie to bed. Show up and participate.” “But I think men have a problem with fifty-fifty,” I put in. “We’re not talking about men, we’re talking about Tom,” he snaps. “Don’t turn him into a class!” He asks Tom if he has a problem with splitting down the middle. “Well, entropy takes over sometimes, and I…,” Tom begins. “Look, I know what you’re talking about,” Real breaks in. “The inertia, the laziness. But it’s also entitlement. And it’s dumb. Because it’s short-term success and long-term resentment. It’s in your interest to give! Learn to be a family man! Because your wife is pissed off!” I watch as Tom’s face slowly turns gray and put my hand on his arm: Don’t retract like a gastropod. Don’t do it. Because Real is not done: “And part of being a family man is to help out when it’s needed! If your wife is overburdened, and doing all the cooking and cleaning, get off your ass and help out!”

It’s an issue that’s rarely addressed in the ongoing “chore wars” conversation: God forbid we ask our kids to pitch in. Numerous studies show that children today are much less likely than previous generations to help out at home. Research conducted by the cleaning products firm Vileda found that a quarter of children ages five to sixteen did not do a single thing around the house to help their parents—including make their own beds. In the UCLA study of Los Angeles households cited earlier, two-thirds of children resisted or ignored completely their parents’ appeals for help.

Not only are girls more likely to be asked to help out at home, they are less likely to get paid: the national nonprofit Junior Achievement found that the pay gap between males and females starts squarely at home, with allowance: 67 percent of boys said that they received allowances, while just 59 percent of girls did. Similarly, a British study discovered that boys get paid 15 percent more for the same chores done by girls. Think about the message being given here: that when boys feed the dog or straighten their rooms, they deserve a reward, but girls are just “doing what comes naturally.”

And our culture applauds self-sacrificing mothers who put their children first. In a study of low-income single moms in the Philadelphia area, sociologists found that mothers risked harsh criticism from other moms if they had nicer clothing than their children. As one mother in the study commented, “I can’t see my son walking around with Payless sneakers on with me walking around with Nikes or Reeboks or something.” (Oh, do I understand that mind-set: the limit of my self-sacrifice extends to eating only the broken bits in a box of crackers, so the rest of the family can have the whole ones.)


My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

My thoughts: 🔖Page 54 of 274 “Get off Your Ass and Help Out!”: Our Harrowing Encounter with the Man from Boston - This is very informative, relatable, and entertaining. I'm stopping because I need to sleep and this book is an upper.
🔖113 Rules of Fight Club - We’re well past this phase of parenting and communication level but the information is still quite helpful. Particularly the active listening portion.

This was one of the best books I've read on relationships and communication and it was a lot of pulling information from several other books as well as interactions with the people who wrote them.

Recommend to others: Yes! Even though I'm past the newer parents phase, this was still quite beneficial and a bit hilarious.

[Allison Riding Larsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great! Recommended by my SIL. ** bumping up to five stars after evangelizing this book to anyone who will listen for the last two weeks **

[mairead! · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm absolutely going to have to buy this as a reference book. So many exercises and experiments to try!

It was everything I needed to read right now. Humorous, honest, hopeful.

Highlights include but are not limited to:
* reminder of Brené Brown and divesting from "the story I'm making up"
* "Stop playing the martyr. Just say, 'hey, sweetheart, I want you to know that I just cooked dinner, and you're doing dishes.' If you're in a constant state of Self-Righteous Angry Victim, you're fucked. It's over. You're not a victim. So knock it off. [...] There's a world of difference between assertively standing up for yourself and aggressively putting him down."
* time out, photo, and "I know that what I'm about to do is going to cause you harm, but right now, my anger is more important to me than you are." (<\3)
* Use my power
* Age-appropriate chores for kids
* "I am the only person who can decide how I am going to feel."

Will keep adding to this as I review and think of other todos/takeaways.

[Shanley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this much more than I expected! I think this book is equally harsh/enlightening for moms AND dads. not gonna lie, the snarky title hooked me into reading this. the irony? I think my husband would find this book so helpful and interesting too, but I don't want him to know I was even reading a book suggesting that I hate him post-kids (I don't). I need to create some decoy "how to not hate your wife after kids" book jacket to slip over top of it, and give it to him for Christmas.

[Siyu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious! So good at capturing dialogues. And it’s like, free couples therapy! I don’t care too much for the many many psych studies (likely with small sample size? They’re quoted in a casual way), but the narrative and recommendations are great. I really appreciate her honest depiction of being verbally abusive towards her husband and how she got out of it - abuse is complicated, and this example of overcoming it is so valuable. The part on how we deal with money revealing our values is well taken; I’m going to have to do that exercise.