He felt a sense of urgency, even panic
Now he could no longer pretend to be more composed than he was, or reassure himself with the thought that his conscience was clear
Final scene of their quarrel replayed itself in his mind with excruciating clarity
He would have taken her for an overexcited girl who herself didn’t know what she wanted
Every time she wept he hoped to find out what her tears concealed, if anything
He understood the reason why: he hoped that, whatever trouble it caused him, it might bring its own consolation
So what? Where was the crime? At one time, affairs of this kind were punishable
Who were supposed to set a moral example, but nobody paid any attention to them anymore
Only when the girl herself made a complaint
He hadn’t been asked about it yet but he had his answer ready
I’ve nothing to hide. It was, or rather is, a love relationship – what you would call intimate
It wasn’t easy to explain
But I know this better than anyone
For no reason at all, he had revealed a secret. Idiot, he thought
He decided then and there that he would no longer tell the truth
Nobody deserved it
He would become invulnerable and would not communicate with anybody. Let them knock on his door
He thought back to his own questions
It’s not just a question of the book, the second secretary said. The girl often mentioned your name in her diary
Don’t pretend life’s still the same, he told himself
You’re not sure you feel totally safe in your own skin
Tirana had never looked so forlorn
Let happen what may, he thought
One might ask a naive lover worried about a broken promise
A great weariness, like some mist from far away, seemed to have settled between them
It was a long time since he had fallen in love, although he wondered if this were not love but something else that had donned love’s familiar mask to deceive him
She was avoiding him and soon she would become almost a stranger to him, the perfect stranger who would never be forgotten
His mind was hazy, but he was aware what lay behind this mist: Migena
Nobody in the world would find out what he might do to this girl. Protect her, or the contrary: hand her in
In this desert, he had found the only person who knew something about his infinite grief
The unmistakable click of her steps finally came
Her words were mysterious
They would understand each other better in this mist
The word ‘souvenir’ implies that something has happened that should be remembered
This story was about you! You must see that . . . About you! It was the only way she could get . . . involved with you
You still don’t know the most important thing
This story’s not easy for me to explain
Dusk was falling and muffled sounds came from the street
This is how you love cities that you have no hope of visiting
She knew Tirana better than its inhabitants. From documentaries, the television news and hearsay, she knew the squares, cinemas, cafés
Sometimes she would ask impossible questions
It was not hard to see that her vision of Tirana needed a human being in it. You filled that gap
He was surrounded by a void, and in this void, before his very eyes, something was happening with which he could not interfere
Don’t go
Always anticipating the worst, and then complaining when things didn’t turn out as expected
Things he said aloud were interlaced and confused with things he had only thought, or half-said
We evade the truth, the dangerous part. We’re scared
Their story had all the ingredients of a romance, but with one difference
The events were always hidden behind a veil drawn by an unknown power, and seemed to come from the realm of destiny
It was this that upset the everyday equilibrium, logic and the order of things
It was the last opportunity for words left unsaid, perhaps their moment of farewell
All words were meaningless
I knew more than anyone that there could be no consolation. It was obvious how she would end up
That evening was the last chance. I had mentally rehearsed the difficult explanation, involving you, so many times. I thought of the pain I would cause
Don’t talk to me like that. It’s your own fault
I’m being honest. I’m not saying I’m happy about it, but believe me, I almost knew it would happen
Because – let me confess to something I thought I’d take with me to the grave. Let me admit it
Secretly, I wanted it to happen, I won’t hide it
But it’s hard for me to fully explain. It was the only chance for something, a part of me, to make the leap
I wanted to tell her that I had vaguely felt the same
I might have misinterpreted the understanding she had shown for me
I’ve never lived a single day in freedom, Linda said
Can you imagine what that’s like? Not one day. With no hopes of anybody . . . because I never knew where to look for hope
A door into the unknown had suddenly been opened
Frozen, uncomprehending, soulless spaces
A girl who sent her body a long distance to perform the rites of love, without which she would find no peace
Usually it was the opposite, the soul rushing to overcome obstacles, while the body remained a physical hostage to a place
But here something unprecedented was happening. Her body was striving to acquire the characteristics of a soul
Perhaps it’s our imagination
Decadence
We parted, without coming to any understanding. I didn’t know if I would see her again
These were secret, inexpressible connections, like all the enigmas of art
So there it is, he thought, finding himself back at his desk and staring at the blank pages in panic
If death comes looking out for me He won’t discover where I’ll be
Don’t be surprised, don’t stand and stare If I’m not here nor anywhere
Don’t explain and never weep. This is a different death, another sleep
To ask for more would be a sin
They would find out everything else but they would never find the answer to this enigma, which would remain a secret
He replied that he had no right to be suspicious, still less to reject her
In fact it was she who was rejecting him
He thought that she cried 'No' in a resounding voice
That would be more than cruel. It would be unthinkable
The girl suddenly looked distant
It was so difficult to come to you, she said calmly. Impossible, really
You don’t understand, he almost shouted. It wasn’t a question of suspicion or not
It wasn’t up to him to decide. It was her decision alone. In this case, she was in a superior position
In front of her, everybody was guilty: this country, the times they lived in, everyone, including himself
I don’t want anyone’s pity, the girl said. Or recompense
He thought it would take years to say all the things he had in mind. He was preparing to tell just the gist of it
That this cold, lifeless union was a violation of the order of nature
But to his own astonishment, instead of uttering these words – in fact in contradiction of them – he lowered his head as a sign of acceptance
She stared at him, as if meeting the very centre of his own gaze. Then she asked, Are you scared of me?
No, he said. Not of anything. I only have one fear, of losing you
And at that point he woke up
The staff remembered his old habit of sitting alone in the empty theatre on evenings when there was no performance
He could imagine the cherry-coloured curtain as the dress of an outraged woman, but offended by whom or what he could not tell
He had not written many plays, but before setting them down on paper he had conceived them here as he sat in the empty auditorium, looking towards the stage
We contrive our own great losses, he thought
Don’t! He cried inside
It was a famous ‘don’t’, heard billions of times in human history
Don’t turn your head, or you’ll lose her
He closed his eyes so as not to see what happened
He signed books according to the familiar ritual, rather wearily, cool with everyone, whether strangers or acquaintances
A sweet voice said for the second time, Can you inscribe it with my name?
Of course, he replied. Before he raised his head the unknown girl said her name: ‘Linda B’
Don’t. There was only this exclamation inside him, nothing else
The impulse to raise his head was immediately supplanted by its opposite: a heavy chain weighing it down
Don’t, he said to himself again, but still without a clear reason
Don’t look at her
Don’t, if you don’t want to lose her
The order against making that old mistake was still in force. He obeyed
As if blind, he raised the book with one hand while keeping his head lowered
He waited for her to reach for the book
The girl took it in her hand and just for a moment their cold fingers touched in that dark void