Conversation: How Talk Can Change Our Lives

by Theodore Zeldin

Do you want better conversations with your lover, your colleagues at work, your family, friends or strangers, or yourself? Conversation explains what kind of talk charmed and excited people in the past, and why we talk differently today. It explores the art and the history of conversation and how it can be the key to a happier, more interesting future. It shows how women have changed the ways lovers speak, how families avoid silence or boredom, how your work can damage or improve the way you converse, and what role there is for the tongue-tied and shy. This book will enable you to see more clearly what you want to talk about, and what conversation can do to your life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Philosophy, Psychology, Personal Development, Self Help, British Literature, Communication

112 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1998

About the author

Theodore Zeldin CBE, President of the Oxford Muse Foundation, is a Palestinean philosopher, sociologist, historian, writer and public speaker. Zeldin was first known as a historian of France but is today probably most famous internationally as the author of An Intimate History of Humanity (1994), a book which probes the personal preoccupations of people in many different civilisations, both in the past and in the present; it illuminates the way emotions, curiosities, relationships and fears have evolved through the centuries, and how they might have evolved differently. Since then he has focused on how work can be made less boring and frustrating, how conversation can be less superficial, and how individuals can be more honest with one another, putting their masks aside.

Zeldin's masterpiece is "A History of French Passions" (originally published as "France, 1848-1945" in the Oxford History of Modern Europe), an idiosyncratic work examining the ambitions and frustrations, intellectual and imaginative life, tastes and prejudices of a vast range of people. The idea of France as a common unity is not easily discernible in this multi-volume book, and there is very little about politics in the conventional sense, although there are essays on the national appeal of Bonapartism and other cultural elements of French national politics.

The Oxford Muse Foundation (www.oxfordmuse.com) was formed by Zeldin in 2001. It describes its aims as being "to pioneer new methods to improve personal, work and intercultural relationships in ways that satisfy both private and public values." One of its principal projects is the Muse Portrait Database. Individuals are free to submit their own self-portraits, including whatever they want the world to know about them. However, many of the portraits are written by another person in the "voice" of the subject, as the result of a conversation between the two. The Oxford Muse claims that, through such conversations, it can help people "to clarify their tastes, attitudes and goals in many different aspects of life; and to sum up the conclusions they have drawn from their experiences in their own words." A selection of these portraits can be found in "Guide to an Unknown City" (2004), which contains the writings of a wide variety of Oxford residents, and in "Guide to an Unknown University" (2006), which, Zeldin claimed, 'allowed professors, students, alumni, administrators and maintenance staff to reveal what they do not normally tell one another.

In 2007, Zeldin was appointed to a committee advising the French government of Nicolas Sarkozy on labour market reforms.

Reviews

[Catherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a quirky little book, half text and half art painted by the author himself, all as a way to try and stimulate conversation between us (the generic us, the great seething mass of general humanity). Conversation, Zeldin says, is not just talk - conversation is a skilled exchange of ideas, betraying our curiousity about others, and a particular open-mindedness, a willingness to be changed by the act of sitting and listening as much as putting things into words. Defensiveness, wanting to win an argument, and failing to listen to others are the enemies of conversation, Zeldin asserts, and they prevent us from really talking to one another in our romantic relationships, in our family lives, and all the way on up to the highest political dialogue.

I'm excited about this book mostly for what I hope it can articulate to new students in FP this fall, and for the impetus I hope it will give them to think of conversation - and not debate - as the point of their college career!

[Wayne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I stopped reading this some time ago because it depressed me.

ZADOOOKS !!!!!!
NOW, I have just entered into the final chapter.
So, WHAT has changed ????
Obviously the book hasn't, so obviously (yet AGAIN) it MUST BE ME!!!!


18th November ,2012

MUCH LATER:
How could I have left readers hanging like THAT!!??
Why did it depress me, for a start??!!

Because I was aware of how rarely one comes across Good Listeners.

Just the other day I went to visit my barber.
I love barbers because they have you trapped in a chair and they may ply you with ...conversation!!!
Just about ALL my barbers have been Greek. And the last two were MORE...they were a species I had been reading about for years and admiring...GREEK PHILOSOPHERS...re life, politics especially...and so radical, probably BECAUSE of their age ...and they were elderly and flexible.
Alas..it couldn't last.
Anthony is full...of himself. A year ago when his Dad died we had many conversations, me in the chair and Anthony wielding the scissors.But when I went in a few weeks ago to tell him my Mum had died, Anthony never looked at me once during what I made into a brief conversation, if I can grant what occurred with so venerable a title.
Anthony spent the whole short time playing with his...ipod !!!!!!!

Now don't get me started on the New Technology and Conversation.
Am I elderly and...inflexible ?????
I AM brave
...because I encounter the people who abuse the new technology, eg.,abusing other people's Sound space. I counter by reading my book OUT LOUD.Or I may request that next time they are going to broadcast their conversation to the whole train carriage they could at least make it interesting.I do this with ...humour. Because humour is better than anger and FAR MORE EFFECTIVE. I leave them laughing. It's how I used to discipline my students. They would fall over themselves to oblige because of gentle humour and they knew I cared and liked them.

So...depressed !!!I seized it up again when I had got over this bump in my psyche.

A GOOD reason to stop.
I am stopping here...but will return. With the book so I can at least do it some justice.
BUT DO READ IT...MR ZELDIN is a very interesting thinker.
See also his "An Intimate History of Humanity".One in a Million !!

April 3rd, 2015

This is a GEM
...takes only a short time to actually READ,
BUT you may find yourself taking up a lot of time
pondering and planning in-between those reads,
and then Beyond,
putting into practice the Art of Conversation,
and enjoying encounters
SO MUCH MORE!!!
Happily, I HAVE !!

Definitely worth re-reading, consulting and sharing !!!

See also
CONVERSATION - A History of a Declining Art by Stephen Miller

[Kent Winward · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this little book because the author was mentioned by Alain de Botton in his NYT Book Review Interview. I was intrigued by the idea of generating new and more vibrant conversations, but in the end the book fell flat. Certainly didn't rise to its subtitle of providing a prescription for changing lives. I had the sense the author was trying much too hard and oddly, (because the author is a historian) lacked a broad historical perspective. Good conversation has always been rare and it has always existed. Decrepit conversation has always been ubiquitous, albeit in different forms. I still crave fantastic conversations -- even when I have to have them with myself -- which I think is mostly what I'm doing on Goodreads -- talking to myself about what I've just read.

[Sveva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cute little book that inspires you to try to have more meaningful conversations. Doesn't give you the recipe for changing lives through conversation, but there are many interesting points to think about, from the side effects of specialization to the emergence of my beloved silent coach on the train. 100% recommend

[Wen Zhe · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book by Theodore Zeldin that provokes thoughts on having conversations - be it at home, at work, and for love. There is a place for conversations in everything. It seems like in a society where we are now very siloed and always on our phones, it is more important for real meaningful conversations to be had. A must read.

[Juliana · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the few books I rate as five stars, and one that I want to give to so many friends. Brilliant and accurate and perfect.

[Frank · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty words, some beautiful sentences, but nothing applicable. No meat, all sugar.

[Sunny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredible book about conversations. Here are the best bits:

The ideals of conversation remained masculine, until women changed the subject. They showed that talking about the emotions could not only improve the way the sexes treated each other, but also diminish brutality and aggressiveness in general. This new conversation was like vegetarian cooking; it convinced only a minority. Most men continued to prefer the bawdiness, slapstick, shop talk or academic disputation which they could indulge in when women were not present.

For a time, Rhett Butler's method in Gone with the Wind of provoking affection by aggression, and proving his superiority by humiliating women, was a substitute for conversation. Then the shy, naive, simple male, who has to be coached by women to love, was developed. It became the woman's role to mend the man with problems and complexes.

So we need models of how conversations develop equality, models created by a joint effort of men and women. We know enormous amounts about how relationships go wrong. It is much harder to show how they go right, without arrogance or naiveté or the fear that once love is analyzed, it will lose its magic. We need a new kind of novel and film to create visions of how people can live together as equals, with humor.

Our private conversations do make a difference to the world. A relationship may start chemically or romantically, but conversation adds something infinitely precious to it.
Having one's ideas challenged and transmuted by verbal intercourse makes one aware how much one owes to others, how much a partner can contribute to one's intellectual, moral and emotional development, though one remains a separate, unique person. It is in private that one can best Learn how to accept criticism.

Many of the people who remember wonderful conversations that family meal suggest that it was because they regularly had guests of all kinds to turn their minds to new subjects.

I make a distinction between devils and horned devils. The horned ones enjoy being cruel, refuse to listen, and seem bent on destroying those around them, at least as independent beings. I hate to admit it, but there often is nothing you can do with them. I am far from claiming that we can cure all problems and automatically make nasty people nice. But most devils are not horned; they are aggressive because they are feeble, they are cruel because they are frightened. There is no need to give up on them.

It is true that most people like to hate. Zola said, "Hate is holy." Hate makes people feel they have principles and opinions. But I would argue that finding something admirable, or touching, in an incomprehensible or obnoxious person, is also profoundly satisfying.

The charismatic engineers who first proposed a Channel Tunnel in the 1850s were sure that, once a railway was built from London to Calcutta, all humanity would realize that it had common interests and war would be abolished.

Fire door Dostoevski claimed that it doesn’t matter what people say only how they laugh.

One average-sized book would take about twelve hours to read out on the radio. Radio can do many of the things that books do, and has other advantages you can wash up or garden at the same time as listening), but it will not replace books until you can say to a radio, "Stop, wait a minute, please repeat that, give me time to think about it." If I were to pause for more than a second when talking on the radio, the station manager would think something was wrong. Conversation needs pauses, thoughts need time to make love.

I should like some of us to start conversations to dispel that darkness, using them to create equality, to give ourselves courage, to open ourselves to strangers, and most practically, to remake our working world, so that we are no longer isolated by our jargon or our professional boredom. We cannot reproduce the Renaissance; history cannot be made to repeat itself; but we can create something akin to it, to suit ourselves. That is what I call the New Conversation.

[Nujood AlMulla · Rating 5 out of 5]

“But how can conversations make so much difference? They can’t if you believe that world is ruled by over-powering economic and political forces, that conflict is the essence of life, that humans are basically animals and that history is just a long struggle for survival and domination. If that’s true, you can’t change much. All you can do is have conversations which distract or amuse you. But I see the world differently, as made of individuals searching for a partner, for a lover, for a guru, for God. The most important, life-changing events are the meetings of these individuals. Some people get disappointed, give up searching and become cynics. But some keep on searching for new meetings.”

What a lovely viewpoint of the world. This short and my I add very economic little thing is a love letter to dialogue and conversation. It sheds light on the moments that matter in life. It reminds us that the idea behind DNA that changed the world forevermore was a product of conversation. It walks us through the different set and settings that dictate the modern rules of conversation. MASTERS OF JARGON, he calls the specialists of today denoting that they are merely taught a language that limits them to a sub sub sub part of reality and the world. Bankers who only speak of money, scientists who only talk to their labs, politicians who have lost their ability to make their own opinions. The death of good conversation is the death of humanity, he attributes the ignition of curiosity, a NEVER ENDING feat to the rise of new conversation. He reminds us of rhetoric’s evil and the time when only those who have mastered the play of beautiful words could rise through the ranks. He shows us how a VICTORIAN HOUSEWIFE-TO-BE GOING TO FINISHING SCHOOL to acquire the skill of making conversation about all sorts of topics has more skill and variety than a specialist turned manager trying to acquire the skillset of being a “generalist” after slaving away and finally proving worthy of the TRANSITION. He demonstrates the wonders of learning about different cultures through the eyes of a common topic that brings people together like Dallas, the tv show. He emphasizes and shies not away from the reason behind stifled relationships with family due to the simple lack of ability and shadowed assumptions that prevent real conversation. He uses a study from Italian family culture which tells us that Italian kids (at least 60%) learn to challenge their parents' beliefs from a very young age, making them able to have these difficult conversations before it’s too late. He shows us how shadowing a professional is more useful than learning about them. He reveals how the design of modern trains may stifle potential bonds and friendships that could last forever due to the way they distribute their seats. He emphasizes that love and strong partnerships grow out of discussion not courtship. A call for a new kind of Renaissance man through mastering the art of dialogue, one who is immensely passionate, a curious traveller, and a brave questioner. Absolutely loved it!

P.S. I would have never picked up such a book but it was given to me from one of my favourite humans on earth after one of many truly life changing conversations.

[Harris · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is not a self-help book. It is not teaching you how to converse. He wants the focus to be in having sincere conversations. A tool used to meet with others from different backgrounds and allow yourself to see from other peoples perspectives and learn from it. Not a new idea.

Made me want to have dinner with my neighbors.

He mentioned some interesting parts about conversations at work. How it can become monotonous. He asks, "What job offers the most enchanting and surprising conversations? Almost everyone says that the more varied the people they meet at work, the more fun it is, though often they exchange only a few words." As a librarian, I agree that their isn't any boredom with the amount of diverse people I meet/help.

Really enjoyed his conversations asking doctors and engineers how long it would take to teach him how to become one. The doctor said, "six weeks" and the engineer said, "3 months". This was of course not to make him become a real doctor/engineer, but to understand their language and their problems. To get an idea of how they solve problems and learn the essence of the way they think. That would be fun to do (a type of job-shadowing).

I'll conclude with his statement, "at least half of what learns at college is promptly forgotten." I am in full agreement.

[Dennis Leth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book on the necessity of conversations.

I actually bought this book due to my interest in futuristic thinking. It's kind of funny to see how searching for knowledge can bring you great breadcrumbs. I didn't know about Theodore Zeldin and his line of work before buying this book. I kind of feel lucky now, that I bought 2 books from the author at that time.

This book is about a therapy for our collective loss of meaning and connectivity. The loss of real communication as conversations are.

I believe the author is right, when he say's that the lack of conversations and speaking out has more to do with fear of failure and fear of social exclusion than a lack of things to say. I also believe that we have gotten to a point, where we are all specialist within our segment and in our native language that it's difficult to uphold a conversations as we no longer speak the same language.

The best thing ALL of us could do is engage in more conversations. Show more guts and transparency in regards of our thoughts and thinkings. The more we connect, the more connections there will be and it will surely bring more ideas and better futures to future generations.

Are you willing to start a conversation.

[David · Rating 1 out of 5]

This sliver of a book left almost no impression on me. Interspersed with paintings of abstract ideas the text is maybe 40 tiny pages in large font. I like the idea of the tiny book because an author can really cut the fat out and hone the polemic. Conversation, is none of that. Like a weak-wristed handshake it, kinda, if you please, like, suggests to you that, you know, conversation is sort-of a dying art-form, and maybe, if it doesn't trouble you too much, we should, you know, maybe think about doing some more of it. Only if you've got nothing better to do of course.

[Hendrik Borginon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't quite know what to make of it. It certainly contains some nice anecdotes and reflections and the book serves as a decent appetiser to thinking about conversation's significance in areas from romance to the satisfaction of one's daily life. It fails to deliver beyond posing these questions however and falls flat. I was perhaps hoping for it to be more, but that might not be a fair expectation of a book that is ultimately just a transcription of a BBC radio show. I enjoyed it though and think three stars is about fair.

[Elise Steele · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was hoping for a how-to book, which it wasn't, but I think it's helpful all the same. I appreciated his comments about being a specialist in your profession and a generalist in life. I appreciated his recognition of what we can learn from children and from people of many different backgrounds and professions. As he says, travel abroad is an essential part of education, which is never complete.
The author shaped my opinions and gave me a lot to consider. I think that's a great conversation.

[Noelia C. Sanz · Rating 2 out of 5]

No me ha gustado nada, salvo el primer capítulo. Viene poco contenido, ya que la mitad son cuadros abstractos del propio autor. No me ha resultado útil en absoluto, aunque pasé un buen rato sacando algunos temas de conversación de los que vienen al final. No lo recomiendo.

[Agnese · Rating 5 out of 5]

Little touching book about great meaning of deep conversation in present day. Author speaks about different kinds of conversation - at home, at work, with loved ones and with ourselfes convincing that true and meaningful conversation can really start changes in our private and common lifes.

[Peter P. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Snappy little book about the evolution of conversation. Contains a few gems such as, "Wit has been humanity's liberator against the boredom that most conversation has induced, humanity's protector against speakers who get drunk on their own verbosity." Very enjoyable.

[Denisse · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some parts of this were inspiring and insightful, food for thought. I can see myself re reading them in the future. But other parts felt a little empty, with a lot of words, but the substance or actual point seemed hard to discern.

[Inga Pizāne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brīnišķīga lasāmviela par sarunāšanos kā ļoti nozīmīgu dzīves un attiecību virzītāju. Darbā, pāra attiecībās, ģimenē. Vairāk atziņu manā blogā: http://bit.ly/2Gnc6yc

[Tiina Tan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tore lugemine, toredad mõtted. Illustratsioonid meeldisid.

[Marcos Junior · Rating 3 out of 5]

Uma meditação sobre uma nova forma de conversação, uma que transforma vidas.

[John Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good

[Simone · Rating 5 out of 5]

My favourite subject

[Rosa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very interesting, and the accompanying paintings are fascinating.

[Tahinah Barker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love the ideas, intrigued what's changed from when it was written to conversations had now.

[B.Isabelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book.

[Reader · Rating 2 out of 5]

Assez philosophique

[Chow · Rating 5 out of 5]

https://wabinab.github.io/article?fil...

[Christof Mascher · Rating 4 out of 5]

Philosophie

[Rita · Rating 4 out of 5]

#80#2023#books#october