Living the Life Unexpected: How to find hope, meaning and a fulfilling future without children

by Jody Day

‘The book to recommend to patients when they face coming to terms with unavoidable childlessness.' – British Medical JournalIn Living the Life Unexpected, Jody Day addresses the experience of involuntary childlessness and provides a powerful, practical guide to help those negotiating a future without children come to terms with their grief; a grief that is only just beginning to be recognized by society.This friendly, practical, humorous and honest guide from one of the world’s most respected names in childless support offers compassion and understanding and shows how it’s possible to move towards a creative, happy, meaningful and fulfilling future – even if it’s not the one you had planned.Millions of people are now living a life without children, almost double that of a generation ago and the numbers are rising still. Although some are childfree by choice, many others are childless due to infertility or circumstance and are struggling to come to terms with their uncertain future. Although most people think that those without children either 'couldn't' or 'didn't want’ to be parents, the truth is much more complex.Jody Day was forty-four when she realized that her quest to be a mother was at an end. She presumed that she was through the toughest part, but over the next couple of years she was hit by waves of grief, despair and isolation. Eventually she found her way and in 2011 created Gateway Women, the global friendship and support network for childless women which has now helped almost two million people worldwide.This edition, previously titled Rocking the Life Unexpected, has been extensively revised and updated, with significant additional content and case studies from forty involuntarily childless people (mostly women) from around the world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology

454 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 25, 2016

Reviews

[Lisa Manterfield]

Reading through Jody’s book, is like sitting down with that one friend you can always trust to speak frankly. What comes across in her words is an understanding that, yes, this hurts…a lot, and yes, all the feelings of anger, sadness, and hopelessness are real and normal, but you cannot allow this experience to take over your entire life for the rest of your life. And while Jody offers plenty of gentle support and practical exercises to work through the hard stuff, I walked away with an overall feeling of empowerment.

Jody opens the book with a Plan B Healing Inventory, a list of questions about your current state of mind, such as “How often do you blame others for your situation?” and “How often do do you really laugh?” These questions help get a sense of where you are now, but are also a means to measure your progress. Often improvement is incremental and you don’t realize how far you’ve come until you hit a big milestone, such as being around children or making a big plan for your future. It’s very helpful to take this kind of inventory to remind yourself, especially on the tough days, how far you’ve come.

In this new and expanded edition of her earlier book (previously titled: Rocking the Life Unexpected) Jody includes case studies of eight women who’ve found themselves unexpectedly childless for a broad range of reasons. As we know from the stories shared on this site, hearing from someone who’s walked a similar path to you can be a powerful tool in the healing journey.

Throughout this book, Jody is a beacon, showing you the way to move forward and build the life you want. Much of what she encourages is about changing your shifting your perspective from what’s lost to what is. She talks about “liberating yourself from the opinions of others” and letting go of some of the assumptions we’ve been fed about the wonders of motherhood.

[Suzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought that I had done pretty well working through the grief of my childlessness until I read this book and discovered that I had actually become abit stuck in my grief. The gift of this book for me was that it helped me to get moving again and for the first time in too long be excited about the future.
Jody is an amazing communicator and has a natural ability to help others balance "being real about things" with self compassion. Her book is a practical guide that I'm sure would be beneficial to any woman no matter where is on her path without children.
It is a powerful tool that will challenge you and nuture you at the same time.
I will be forever grateful to Jody for her courage to create this book and the gift that it has been to me.

[Jade · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a child free woman or childless by choice so though not completely the target audience, I thought I would read this and am very glad I did. I am aware that it is a completely different situation when the choice is taken out of your hands, for whatever reason, but did find a lot that helped me in this too. She writes so clearly and compassionately and I found her description of the pronatal society we live in, spot on in my experience. Lots of practical advice too. I would recommend wholeheartedly.

[Jeanie Kenkel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't buy, then read, then share this book fast enough. It felt like I said "YES!" on every page. The wise author gets it completely, over and over, no matter which of the 50 ways she lists that a woman arrived at this point. (Several can apply to one person, and first is "Being single and not finding a suitable relationship to bring children into.") Her understanding and putting the thoughts into words is exciting and comforting. So much I'd like to share from this important book- I wish everyone in the world would read and understand every word.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can’t say enough good things about this book for women who are ending their TTC journey and navigating childlessness. I took a long time to work through this book and I journaled heavily, and I know I will revisit it over and over again.

[NoMo Book Club · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some books feel like they need no introduction to the childless community. And Living the Life Unexpected is very much one of those books - quite possibly the authoritative support for anyone looking at the potential of a childless life. Its author, Jody Day, similarly feels like someone who needs no introduction to us. The book is structured as a therapy tool that you work through as you face your unexpected life, with exercises and reflections that can be completed along the way, and interspersed with the voices of other childless women. Acknowledging the grief and confusion that many women face at the outset of childlessness, it then guides you towards a place of hope and acceptance. A place that has a living future, rather than a blank space.

2023 was the ten-year anniversary of the book's publication. I can't imagine all the lives that must have been touched, and the women who have been healed, in that decade by Jody's work (which extends far beyond just writing this book). No one has brought childlessness out of the shadows and into the public discourse as much as she has over the last decade, especially via her support organisation, Gateway Women.

[Michelle Marie McGrath · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful compassionate guide for those who yearned to have children - but for any number of reasons were unable to. Motherhood is not the path for every woman, despite the relentless messages we receive to the contrary. Jody shares her experience in coming to terms with being unable to have a child and her wisdom in moving forward to a life that may not have been what was planned, but one that can be fulfilling. She provides support in creating your own roadmap for moving forward and creating a different meaningful life.

[Natalie Paterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jodi’s book has been an invaluable resource to help me to try and come to terms with life without children. I’m yet to finish the book and have lots of work to do to find peace with my situation, but from the outset I was able to relate and process my many emotions and the real life stories help to reassure you that you’re not alone. It’s a book that I know will be kept close at hand for the rest of my life to help me through those tough times. Thank you Jodi for sharing your journey and experiences to help people like me.

[Kathryn Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Childlessness is such a lonely place. Not with Jody by your side. This book held me until I could hold myself. It helped me to find my plan B. I'm now a published poet. I tell people about my childlessness every day. I couldn't even say the word out loud before I read it. The one book I have read that was truly life changing. Whatever the reason, for your childlessness, wherever you are in your journey, this book is for you.

[Lana Manikowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another beautiful work by Jody Day, a pioneer in speaking truth about life without children.
This book is both wise and comforting, offering language, hope, and a path forward for women redefining their futures. It reminds you that even without motherhood, your life can still be full of meaning, joy, and purpose.

[Lori]

Not finishing this book had nothing to do with the quality of the book (it's great!). I was a couple of chapters into this one when I received a new revised, expanded edition... so I started reading that one instead. :) Full review of that one to come!

[Lucy · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was only a few pages in and I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Jody has summed up exactly what I and countless other people are going through. I understand that this book is going to challenge me and encourage me and for that I am grateful.

[Luiza · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deep appreciation for this book! Thank you Jody! this book gave me hope, energy and it allowed me to grieve without shame or guilt...to own my grief and to respect it....and then to trust again in the creative instinct in me...showing up in other, unconventional ways.
thank you! Luiza, UK

[Margaret Grant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ground breaking and compassionate.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

My absolute favourite non-fic book of 2019. It's like going to therapy every day and not having to hand in my whole paycheck at once. Thank gods for Jody Day!

[SANDRA ALBERT MANAU]

La biblia per a les dones que han volgut ser mares i no han pogut

[Ashlei Kretz · Rating 5 out of 5]

If this topic applies to you I highly recommend it

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I vividly remember the moment I first picked up this book many years ago. For the first time, I felt truly understood and validated, as if everything I had been feeling was finally being witnessed. The experience was so overwhelming that I had a visceral reaction—I threw the book away from me. That’s how profoundly powerful it was.

But this is a book you will find yourself picking up again. And again. And again. As corny as it may sound, this book was genuinely life-changing for me. It didn’t just offer me understanding and valuable information; it also led me to my tribe. Through it, I found kindness, compassion, and a sense of belonging in a world where I had felt isolated for so long.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone embarking on the devastating journey of childlessness. While it may seem impossible at the beginning, this book shows that it is indeed possible to live the life unexpected - and to live it well.

[Kirsteen Dickson]

Working my way through this slowly depending on how I feel.