The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

by Beverly Engel

How women can overcome the pressure to please others and feel free to be their true selves Are you too nice for your own good? Do family members manipulate you? Do coworkers take advantage of you? If this sounds familiar, read The Nice Girl Syndrome. In this breakthrough guide, renowned author and therapist Beverly Engel, who has helped thousands of women recognize and leave emotionally abusive relationships, can show you how to take control of your life and take care of yourself.

Engel explains that women today simply cannot afford to be Nice Girls, because women who are too nice send the message that they are easy targets and are much more likely to be victimized emotionally, physically, and sexually. She identifies the seven different types of Nice Girls and helps you understand which type or types might apply to you. Engel helps you determine whether the Nice Girl Syndrome is keeping you in an abusive relationship or in manipulative situations and helps you change Nice Girl beliefs and behaviors that are holding you back.


Shows you how to confront the beliefs and behaviors that keep you stuck in a Nice Girl act as you replace them with healthier, more empowering ones Includes inspiring stories of women Engel has worked with who have found the courage and strength to stop taking abuse and start standing up for themselves "This book will challenge, entertain, and empower its readers."--Publishers Weekly (starred review) Written by renowned author and therapist Beverly Engel, who has helped thousands of women recognize and leave emotionally abusive relationships Filled with wise advice, powerful exercises, and practical prescriptions, The Nice Girl Syndrome shows you step by step how to take control of your life and be your own strong woman.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Feminism, Mental Health, Relationships, Personal Development

256 pages, Hardcover

First published June 20, 2008

About the author

Beverly Engel has been a psychotherapist for thirty years, specializing in the areas of abuse recovery, relationships, women’s issues and sexuality. She is also the best-selling author of 20 self-help books, many of which have been featured on national television and radio programs (Oprah, CNN, Ricki Lake, Starting Over) as well as national print media (O Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Psychology Today, The Washington Post, The LA Times, and The Chicago Tribune to name a few).

She is considered one of the world’s leading experts on the issue of emotional abuse, as well as a pioneer on the issue, having written one of the first recovery books on the subject (The Emotionally Abused Woman).

Reviews

[Rose · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think the hardest thing about writing this review was figuring out why this book annoyed me so much for the subject matter it addressed. It should've been something I received well given the subject matter and its intents as a self-help book, but the more I read it, the more I ended up reading mixed messages within it.

I tend to pick up self-help/health/wellness guides at random in many different aspects - social wellness, spiritual wellness, physical and emotional wellness among a number of different factors, and I do it for a variety of different groups - women's health being a strong interest of mine as well. The title of this made me raise my eyebrows, though I've heard in social/health circles about the dominance of "nice girl" or "nice guy" syndrome - where people described as such are associated as being passive, overly accommodating, and inattentive to their own needs for the sake of pleasing others. Also for being unable to say "no" in a healthy way. It's a real issue not limited to gender, but in this particular work - Beverly Engel addresses it with respect to abusive/manipulative relationships and addresses the matter to women. That's a fair topic to cover given her background as a psychotherapist and addressing sexual abuse and women's health issues. But I think juxtaposing this particular work with others on the same topic, it pales in comparison and falters more often than not.

It's a book that attempts to be blunt in a "tough love" sort of way, but I couldn't get over how it comes across with victim blaming - type statements and negative talk throughout the text. It sounds more patronizing than encouraging women to develop healthier esteem habits and assertiveness. The fact that a section of this book is entitled "Strong Women Aren't Nice" made me want to throw the book against the wall. Well, Mrs. Engel, if I may state for the record: Strong women aren't "mean" either. I think strength has more to do with how one applies and assert themselves for what they want in life.

Skip this one. There are much better texts out there that are encouraging and help women become stronger about themselves emotionally, spiritually, and assertively than this text. For a so called "feminist" text, it's really horrible.

Overall score: 1/5 stars

[Wagatwe Wanjuki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now I am a little embarrassed that I was interested enough in reading this book. My intuition told me that this would be a book that would piss me off, but I did not want to dismiss it without giving it a shot. I am pleased to say my gut feelings were proven only partially right; I surprisingly was still able to get something out of this book. I finished this book with a surprising feeling of validation, empowerment, and eagerness to use the new skills I read in here.

I am indisputably a Nice Girl; I have consistently been someone who has been very kind (sometimes overly so) to those I love even if they do not treat me with a fraction of the amount of love and respect I provide them. I inevitably would get upset/confused as to why people I treat well consistently treat me like crap, but now it really has helped me realize my actions and my love will not change the actions of others. Being fair does not guarantee fair treatment.

Anyway, one problem is that I felt that the stories that Engel wrote did not relate to me very well. I generally have this problem and I am not sure if it is just me or not, but I struggle to find profiles or examples of other people in self-help type books that really resonate with me. The list that Engel procure as to why I am Nice Girl and how I need to change it were almost useless to me, but I was able to write my own personalized tips between the lines to make them relevant to my life.

My issues with the book: it was heteronormative, it placed the burden on victims to not be mistreated or abused, and it felt like it was full of contradictions. She insists she isn’t victim blaming but talks about how women “let” themselves be abused; I honestly believe that abuse can be inevitable with no regards to the victim’s personality. She says that women “biologically” are this and men are “hard wired” for that (bleh), but then talks about how women are socialized to be passive in this patriarchal world (which is more talking my language).

Overall I am still happy I read this book, despite its shortfalls. While I was able to decipher what I would need to take out of this book, I wonder if many readers would be able to do the same. She starts off the book with insisting that she isn’t victim blaming, but I think we are in dangerous territory when we continue to concentrate on writing self-help books for women on avoiding emotional and physical abuse and don’t think about writing books about “hey, don’t abuse people even if they’re really nice.” This belief gave me an overall uneasiness about this book and I don’t think I’d necessarily recommend the whole thing, but I would probably be willing to recommend a passage or two with my personal notes and disclaimers.

[Yasaman · Rating 1 out of 5]

روند پیشرفت کتاب حوصله سر بر بود‌ . نکته های جالبی می‌گفت اما شاید خوندن نسخه ی الکترونیکی‌ش و نداشتن ویراستاری مناسب تو این نوع نسخه، باعث شد که اون کیفیتی که باید رو نداشته باشه و همین باعث شد که خوندنش مدت زمان طولانی و به صورت ناپیوسته بخونمش.
کتاب راجب دلایل عدم و یا کمبود اعتمادبه نفس ، کوچک شمردن خود در مقابل جنس مخالف ( زنان در مقابل مردان) توجه میکنه و در تلاشه که با حرفاش این باور رو در خانم ها تقویت کنه که در مقابل بقیه به خصوص آقایون ارزش های خاص خودشون رو دارن.

[L · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't really feel like I got much out of this book to be honest, other than to really confirm that yes, I'm waaaay too nice. There are a lot of 'exercises' that the author recommends you do, which I really wasn't willing to stop everything and do. I would have preferred situational examples like 'If Nancy says this to you, then x would be a good response'. After reading the book, I wished that the not-so-nice people of the world could read a book about being nice, instead of the nice people having to become b@%&c#s to get along in the world. I was brought up being nice and in my 40s, it's ingrained in me, so I'm likely not going to change at this point. If that's me being weak and not a 'strong woman' as the author insinuates, then oh well. As other reviewers have said, I feel a little mixed about this book.

[Beth Lequeuvre · Rating 2 out of 5]

Why do I keep reading self help books? All they ever do is make me mad.

[Chloe · Rating 1 out of 5]

I tried to read this, I really did. Twice! But the victim-blaming, judgment, and condescension just made me feel gross. Also? Suuuuuuper cis/heteronormative. No thanks.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beverly Engel is my number one favorite authority on abuse and how to heal from it. This book has helped me to heal from some past experiences. I would recommend it to anyone who keeps finding themselves in abusive relationships.

[Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love it! It's like therapy!

[KC · Rating 2 out of 5]

Rife with biological determinism and even some racism, this book was poorly written (and edited) being repetitive and sometimes condescending. It was often victim blaming and used circular logic.

However, it was an easy read and made a (very) few good points. It would provide a good introduction to someone who had not yet considered how patriarchy and gender roles shape her self-esteem and boundaries. The references cited may be better options for someone looking for a more nuanced reflection.

[Onthebrightside]

This book was spot on! I am way too nice!

[Meghan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Saying "I don't mean to victim blame but..." doesn't cut it. I also found the tone condescending and I was more pissed off than inspired reading this book.

[Eugenie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is an OK book, but the author comes off as defensively reacting to some major hurt from a male. I understand about being assertive and standing up for yourself, but fully half of the book seems to be aimed at males and how they "take advantage" of females in one way or another. This is the impression given in the book and a viewpoint I don't agree with. I think this book could have been more effective if it dealt with a more open range of situations, rather than just domestic relationships. Overall, some good tips given, but the author comes off as angry and a little too defensive. Moderately recommended, though there are better books out there that deal with boundaries and taking care of yourself.

[Cyndi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book should be required reading for all women. It is direct and concise and easy to read so even people who don't like to read much will not have a difficult time getting through it. If I had a daughter, I would ABSOLUTELY insist that she read this book.

[Ashur · Rating 2 out of 5]

Okay, this book is kind of tough to review - on one hand, LOTS of stuff applied to me and I'm probably going to get a used copy so I can do the exercises. On the other hand, a lot of it feels dated, to the point that I was surprised to see that it came out in 2008. On another, this book is written for cisgender heterosexual monogamous women, full-stop; people who exist outside these definitions will not be found here.

This is disappointing because a lot of my own issues relevant to this text are specifically due to being a queer transgender person who happened to get every possible negative repercussion from being socialized as a Southern girl.

There is value here, but caveat emptor. Her tone can also come off is trying too hard to be "tough love" and the phrase "Strong Woman" kind of makes me want to roll my eyes so far back in my head that they'll never see outside of my brain again. She also makes a few troubling statements that I think may not actually be factually correct. I would have felt more comfortable if she'd included more scholarly data about socialization and gender, but I'm also an SJW nerd.

tl;dr:
Sift through the good stuff and keep it, then step away from the book carefully when you go to bang your 2017-educated self's head against the wall. If you do not think that you suffer from "Nice Girl Syndrome", probably look elsewhere.

[Travel Writing · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoy Beverly Engle's writing style and the way she explains things.

This book had some great exercises and reflection activities.

The message could also could be a bit blunt in some places, but if you are reading a book about not being a nice girl- you probably have ignored the kind, sweet advice from a few friends, perhaps a therapist and may need a tiny dose of bluntness.

I would suggest reading Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" if you want a real eye opener on how not listening to your intuition and insisting on being a 'nice girl' can literally cost you your life. I like that Engle made that perfect clear- we cannot afford to be nice girls in today's society. No points given for being a martyr. (She never used that phrasing- that is all me)

[Leah · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book uses extreme examples of what the dangers of being a Nice Girl are (physical, emotional, and sexual abuse), there are many things in it that are useful for women with milder versions of Nice Girl Syndrome. Nice, unfortunately, gets you nowhere. People will prey on you, manipulate you, and take advantage of you if they can, and this book gives some strategies for avoiding that.

A lot of the things in it seem to be common sense and common knowledge, but sometimes it's nice (no pun intended) to have things clearly spelled out for you.

[Michaela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very beneficial, although I don't have these issues as much anymore, I did the exercises and it helped with my other issues, cleared many confusions, helped me to understand my obsessively nice friend and my childhood self. Read with open mind, dont take and twist every word to feel offensive. I came across to some things I didnt agree with, just leave it there, and take what helps you or your loved ones.
Some reviews very discouraging, my opinion is that there are so many helpful things, I would suggest it even if you dont agree with some things in her book.

[Arleta Blackley-Wiertelak · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favourite books from early years of straightening my life.
Definitely a must read for anyone struggling with controlling or abusive relationships.

[mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

i enjoyed this book and really learned a lot from it!! it was the wake up call i needed because i've been in so many situations my entire life where i thought that being nice would protect me from everything but in reality, it's opened me up to more problems sometimes :( it really helped me understand the difference between being genuinely kind and being a pushover under the guise of "niceness". i also loved the little reflection exercises and anecdotes! pretty easy and clear read, i turned 20 this year so i've been trying to work on myself more and make my twenties an actual experience of growth and care so this was a great way to start :) 💗💗 !!

my only criticism though is that it felt like it blamed women a lot and did so when bringing up examples of abuse. i wish the author had focused more on how patriarchal standards are what have conditioned women to be so nice rather than make it seem like we're just "nice" because we don't know any better. abusive situations are hard to leave, esp against men and there's always the fear of becoming another statistic. i liked it as a starting point into self help, but i definitely want to dive into deeper reads.

[EricheBooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Slightly dated opinions on some things but LMAO at the other reviewers calling the fact that men abuse women at a statistically significant higher rate… ‘heteronormative’. Lol. Then tell the men stop beating women??

Anyway, bizarre bozos in the reviews, as expected. The book was ‘okay’ with some really good sections but certainly not worth the brow-beating going on in the 1 or 2 star reviews.

Some good tips on assertiveness but some of the dialogue was extremely cringe. If you have to sit down and ‘list your boundaries’ in this script-like fashion, I just feel like you come off as unhinged. Anyway like I said. Some good, some bad, not worth the pearl-clutching melodrama.

[Mahsa · Rating 3 out of 5]

این کتاب درباره نشانه‌هایی است که به «دختر خوب» اطلاق می‌شوند. طبق تعریف کتاب، دختر خوب کسی است که بیش از آنکه به طرز فکر خودش درباره خودش اهمیت بدهد نگران است که دیگران چطور درباره‌اش فکر می‌کنند. دختر خوب بودن یعنی یک زن طرز فکر و احساسات دیگران را به طرز فکر و احساسات خودش نسبت به خودش ترجیح دهد و این یعنی به جای اعتماد به فهم و شعور خود، مدام چشمش را بر روی اشتباهات دیگران ببندد و به آنها فرصت دوباره بدهد.

کتاب درباره این نشانه‌ها و اتیولوژی آنها صحبت می‌کند. سپس در هر بخش به این موضوعات پرداخته می‌شود که برای رهایی از این انفعال و همرنگ شدن چه کارهایی می‌توانید انجام دهید.
به نظرم به عنوان یک زن در ایران خواندن کتاب تا حد زیادی مفید می‌تواند واقع شود، چراکه جبرهای اجتماعی و فرهنگی به مراتب در ایران سخت‌گیرانه‌تر هستند. برای من کتاب این نفع را داشت که متوجه شدم تا حد زیادی دختر خوبی نیستم و برای بخش‌های دیگر که نیاز به اصلاح داشت نیز راهکارهایی عملی ارائه کرده بود.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has a set of effective suggestions for the so very many of us who hold ourselves to a higher standard than all of those around us, and who are, therefore, often used by others.

Beverly Engel uses examples of women who were abused and offers suggestions for how to escape from or avoid an abusive situation (all the while without blaming those who are abused for the actions of the abusers), and how to become more empowered. The book offers suggested affirmations and ways to feel and internalize the concept of the affirmation so that it is more powerful and accessible.

I found the examples of situations familiar, the suggestions valuable, and I believe I will need to read this book several more times...and that it will be useful each time I do read it.

[Natsuki · Rating 1 out of 5]

I give this book 1 star, as in maybe 20% of this book is valid. I was recommended to read this book by my therapist. Honestly, it is sexist towards men and women, and places blame and shame on survivors (even though she says she’s not before she does, then she does). For example, one of the things she says is that men can’t hold their sexual desires in a box. Are….are all men feral…? But yeah, so that’s why women get attacked or manipulated…..?

The only people I would recommend this to are women who are continuously in abusive relationships and need a push toward breaking the cycle. But also read this book like how I read it, by having a mental debate with this writer. I will say it made me feel more confident and self-aware that this writer is wrong 80% of the time.

[Ann Busbey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw so much of myself in this book, although I have never been physically abused. Being raised an Italian Catholic female, I was taught to be selfless and to serve the needs of others. This has not served me well and I'm working hard at overcoming my "natural" tendencies. My challenge - don't let the pendulum swing too far in the other direction.

While I didn't agree with everything, this book has some useful exercises and advice for making changes and for not feeling guilty about standing up for oneself. I definitely recommend it to anyone who struggles with being a martyr and/or a doormat.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good self-help book for any lady who has been abused or trampled upon in relationships. I even found the advice helpful for women who are too nice and giving in relationships period. It goes from figuring out where this niceness comes from to remedying it to friends and family. I really appreciated the book being a social worker as it helped me become more assertive.

[Olga · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very heteronormative, incredibly gender-binary, and the double-standards are through the roof. "Men cannot be raped," "women are biologically [x, y, or z]," etc. At times disgusting. Must have the ability to sift through junk in order to learn anything of value. It's especially concerning, since the book was published in 2008 (and not 1708)...

[Deya C. · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t get through the entire book yet but I’m questioning if I should. I was expecting a more uplifting and empowering book but instead I must agree with reviewers, I see a lot of victim blaming and bitterness towards men. It’s cringe. I’ll try to get through the book since I unfortunately paid for it. It’s not working for me so far and due to that , I can’t recommend it to anyone.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read, but I wish it was addressed to men also - entitled, The Nice Person Syndrome. Easy reading with practical exercises to move out of being compliant and manipulated into being essentially who you are: strong, confident, competent and courageous.

[ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing. It fits what I've gone through like no other I've read. All the putting others' needs first. The built in feeling that somehow you are a bad person if you don't. And the way these attitudes leave you vulnerable to predators. I highly recommend.

[Rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

stupid book! quit after 3 chapters.