So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood, and What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids

by Diane E. Levin, Jean Kilbourne

Thong panties, padded bras, and risqué Halloween costumes for young girls. T-shirts that boast “Chick Magnet” for toddler boys. Sexy content on almost every television channel, as well as in books, movies, video games, and even cartoons. Hot young female pop stars wearing provocative clothing and dancing suggestively while singing songs with sexual and sometimes violent lyrics. These products are marketed aggressively to our children; these stars are held up for our young daughters to emulate–and for our sons to see as objects of desire.

Popular culture and technology inundate our children with an onslaught of mixed messages at earlier ages than ever before. Corporations capitalize on this disturbing trend, and without the emotional sophistication to understand what they are doing and seeing, kids are getting into increasing trouble emotionally and socially; some may even to engage in precocious sexual behavior. Parents are left shaking their heads, wondering: How did this happen? What can we do?

So Sexy So Soon is an invaluable and practical guide for parents who are fed up, confused, and even scared by what their kids–or their kids’ friends–do and say. Diane E. Levin, Ph.D., and Jean Kilbourne, Ed.D., internationally recognized experts in early childhood development and the impact of the media on children and teens, understand that saying no to commercial culture–TV, movies, toys, Internet access, and video games–isn’t a realistic or viable option for most families. Instead, they offer parents essential, age-appropriate strategies to counter the assault. For instance:

• Help your children expand their imaginations by suggesting new ways for them to play with toys–for example, instead of “playing house” with dolls, they might send their toys on a backyard archeological adventure.
• Counteract the narrow gender stereotypes in today’s media: ask your son to help you cook; get your daughter outside to play ball.
• Share your values and concerns with other adults–relatives, parents of your children’s friends–and agree on how you’ll deal with TV and other media when your children are at one another’s houses.

Filled with savvy suggestions, helpful sample dialogues, and poignant true stories from families dealing with these issues, So Sexy So Soon provides parents with the information, skills, and confidence they need to discuss sensitive topics openly and effectively so their kids can just be kids.


From the Hardcover edition.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Feminism, Sociology, Gender, Education

240 pages, Hardcover

First published August 5, 2008

Reviews

[Brian Sison · Rating 2 out of 5]

First off, I couldn't finish this book. The last third may be awe-inspiring and clever, but I'll never know.

Being the father of two girls, I borrowed this book in the hopes of getting insight into their still developing minds. What I got was puritanical alarmist drivel. True - in this day and age, there is sex everywhere. From Barbie to Britney and everyone trying to "If you seek Amy"... it's all around in the media. If you have daughters and it takes reading this book for you to realize that, it's probably too late for them.

As a parent, you have to make decisions on how to form a child's world from the beginning. You can go the MTV/HBO route, or you can go the Disney/Nick Jr route. (Although some of the things that pass for entertainment on Disney even dulls the mind).

I couldn't give this book 1 star as I believe the authors' intentions were good. But they took too one-sided a stance on the subject. Their statistical analysis includes gems like "The percentage 5 years ago was X, and we think that is probably higher now," and "Of the parents we interviewed for this book, most think that there's too much sex in the media." It gives the book a very amateurish school marmy feel.

[Bridget · Rating 2 out of 5]

I work in the field of youth development and sex education. I thought this book was too sensationalized. True, sex is too pervasive in youth culture and the media, but it needs to start at home. Too few parents/guardians are having open, honest discussions with their kids about sex, standards of behavior--namely respect and responsibility, and communication. You can't blame the media and youth culture on issues that need to be addressed in the family unit and community.

[Cory · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a hard one for me because I really, REALLY wanted to like it. It's a great book if you haven't immersed yourself in weird media studies, but I have a long-held interest in media and children and advertising and all that. Maybe I just feel like, since they were preaching to the choir in my case, they should have had a really great sermon. Unfortunately, I don't feel like there were enough specific examples, or enough of a connection made between the science and the conclusions that the authors drew. It just seemed sort of repetitious and I kept wishing that they would delve more deeply into some of the issues. As someone who used to market to children and teens, I was a little taken aback by the authors' insistence that all marketers were PURE EVIL. I also think that their view of rap music is a bit simplistic--they talk about how bad it is and how it damages kids, but they never talk about its development as an art form or the role it plays in the African American community.

The other, nitpicky thing that I found annoying about this book is that the authors used a ton of exclamation points, even when the things they were saying didn't seem to warrant them.

So, all in all I liked this book, but I wanted more from it.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very helpful book--especially the ideas on how to have conversations about sexuality with your children, and things you can do to address the commercialized gender roles they learn from many types of media. Part of it seemed a little alarmist (they cite Me and You and Everyone We Know without realizing it's critiquing the sexualization of childhood--in my opinion), but most of it is pertinent and pragmatic. The bibliography is very helpful, too. The chapter that I found the most encouraging in terms of giving real-world solutions was Creating a New Cultural Environment. Some of the steps I really agree with: regulate marketing to children; require accurate, comprehensive sex education in our schools (American girls have a far higher rate of teenage pregnancy that other developed nations); incorporate media education into school curriculum (actually teaching critical thinking skills--perhaps the most important thing I can think of). Although this book freaked me out a little bit (I hate to think of my seven-year-old hearing about oral sex on the playground), it also gave a lot of great tools to have an open, informed relationship with my children so that I can be ready (realistically) for what they're going to run into.

[Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am growing weary of the sensationalist books designed to make parents hysterical, always with a "Catchy Disturbing Problem: What Parents Can Do to Save their Children" style of title. That said, this book does identify a problem in the media that I've been rather troubled by. While it felt a little padded out, this book does have some great tips on how to talk to your kids about their concerns (about what they've heard from friends or seen on tv or the internet). Also some very basic advice on controlling media in the home, ideas on media literacy for teachers, plus online resources and strategies for getting other parents and schools onside in confronting a very real issue.

This is not a bad resource but light on data, studies (though apparently there haven't been many), historical context, etc. I would also have been interested to see how our sexualized media compares to the media in other countries. This book's biggest value to parents is a simple reaffirmation that yes, you are right to be aware and concerned: our media has become hyper-sexualized and our children are exposed to it at every turn.

It would have been great at half the length. Hopefully you're a good 'skimmer'...

[Colleenish · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was fantastic. It talks about how media sexualizes our culture to sell stuff and how harmful that is to children. Most parents would agree that media is teaching their children lessons about sexuality and self- worth that are unhealthy. So much of it is common sense, things we know. Reading about all of it together opened my eyes and made me want to change how things are.

I have so many thoughts. First, I'm thankful for my parents. My mom previewed most of my books until I was in my teens. My parents protected me from and counteracted negative media messages. To this day she editorializes during inappropriate moments in movies. I still make fun of my mom for censoring Scooby Doo and Barbies, but even if she was sometimes overprotective, she was doing the right thing.

Second, this book has made me rethink my media consumption. My little siblings watch so much of what I do and ask me questions like, "What is Facebook?" I don't need to be using so much media, and I don't need to be using it unquestioningly. As I teach lessons about how to be safe and healthy on the internet, I need to hear and follow them myself.

The authors of the book believe very strongly that government should control and censor advertisements directed at children. I come from a conservative background that causes me to question that. But on the other hand, is using children's bodies and sexuality to sell things unconscionable? Absolutely. One way or another, we need to speak against it.

The statistics in this book were helpful. The fact that the authors are accomplished researchers and also parents gives them a great amount of credibility. The explanations of how children process (or fail to process) sexual messages lent insight to the issue. Plus, it was very readable and accessible. I think that sexuality in media is one of the biggest issues in our society. It touches everyone. I found this book to be a courageous resource.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this book with my 6-year-old daughter in mind, and surprisingly ended up gaining insights that are most applicable to my 4-year-old.

The book is divided into two halves, the first on early childhood (ages 8 and under) and the second on the tween/adolescent years. I thought the second half of the book was mostly a case of "too little, too late," but I really enjoyed the first half. I had never made the connection before that all the pretty dress up toys and images we're bombarding little girls with since toddlerhood are setting the stage for premature "sexy" behavior and dress.

I decided to make some changes in what my daughter plays with and how we play together after reading this book: what I gleaned is to put more emphasis on open-ended creative toys like Play Do and blocks, and make a conscious effort to put Disney Princesses and Barbies on the backburner.

In my 4-year-old's case, being pretty is an absolute obsession and I've often had the thought that we should "take a break" from Disney Princesses and Barbies for a while so she can learn to discover new interests. This book validated my thoughts and helped me to decide to rotate my daughter's toys, putting the "pretty" toys in the basement and bringing out the "creative" toys that she always ignored in favor of Barbies and princesses.

[Megan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I pretty much hated nearly everything about this book. I've been dreading writing this review because I hardly know where to start in my list of grievances. I do agree that there is a problem with our children's childhoods being sexualized, but I could have topped the examples that the authors used to suggest how bad it has gotten. Grand Theft Auto, for example is a lot worse now than it was 6 years ago.
This book seemed old and outdated--more than it's 6 years of age. The examples were dated and not as relevant as they should have been--Why bring up the Reagan era in a digital age?
I'm also not the kind of person to think to blame corporate culture for so many negative things that happen to our kids, nor do I seek to change the world through political activation against corporations. I will blame the media somewhat, but I'm more likely to blame feminism for the sexualized childhood our kids experience.
Why? When the feminist movement encouraged women not be bound by traditional sexual roles, including chastity before marriage or fideltiy in marriage they created a lack of dividing line for younger women to demarcate when they should seek that kind of sexual experience.
I do agree with the book that there is a problem with the age compression--the 17 year olds are reading Cosmopolitan, the 13 year olds are reading Seventeen, and the 8 year olds read Teen Beat.
And each group yearns to have the sexual maturity and experience of the age group just ahead of them. As a result, young women are having sex at earlier and earlier ages, and engaging in riskier sexual behavior (such as having casual sexual partners and more sexual partners in total). In this environment, is it the media who are to blame? Or are they simply giving girls what they want?
There was a lot of lambasting of Bratz dolls, Barbies, and Disney. I'm not about to blame Disney for giving girls princesses and princes and happy endings. There are bigger villians than these 3 aforementioned. Girls want the handsome prince, the romance, and the happily ever after. Why?
The evolutionary model of human sexuality proposes that the drive for women to seek power and influence through sexual signals is something women are born to. Our biology says that women -- for whom the personal cost of sexual activity is higher than for males -- will try to win the highest status males because those males will be able to provide for the offspring and for them during the vulnerable years of pregnancy and childbearing. If evolution has placed these urges in girls to coincide with their fertile years, and younger girls are learning how to be women from older girls, even girls who are not hormonally driven to seek sexual attention will imitate the women they idolize -- personally or in the media.
Are the media creating the sexualization of our young girls or are they merely taking advantage of it and trying to make money from it -- particularly because they have been conveniently excused from upholding traditional moral values since those values are seen as old fashioned or oppressive?
We can protect our children without forbidding Disney movies. I think the finger pointing was in the wrong direction.
Can't recommend this book.

[Hayley Brentmar · Rating 3 out of 5]

The premises of this book was very interesting. Essentially the authors describe how "sex sells" and how this notion is being used to market products to younger and younger children (with devastating results). They argue that advertisers are presenting kids with ideas about sexuality that they are far to young to comprehend and analyze. About half of the book is spent citing examples of this.
For me (as the reader), they were just preaching to the choir during the argument phase. When I picked up this book I was hoping for more advise on how to protect kids from the negative messages all around them.
But, luckily about half way through they do start to address they ways that parents and teachers can help kids navigate through the world of mass media.
Basically the idea is that kids and adults should form habits of open communication early on, and that sex education should be taught in schools (as opposed to "absence only" programs, that we know don't work). It is a pretty common sense approach, but one that is easy to gorget about. So, this book was a good reminder.
Overall the content was good, and if I were judging it on content alone I'd have given it five stars. Unfortunately the writing simply sucked. I kept finding myself wondering how this book ever made it off of the editor's desk, or even wishing I'd written it myself instead. Clearly the authors are educated and informed, but the book reads like it was written by someone who could benefit from a few basic english courses.

[Brianne Christensen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I Have gotten a few chapters into this book. I decided it woud aid me in my research paper on Sexual appeal and procreation. I regrettably came to find out that this book is nothing but a crazed prude puritan throwing stories out as evidence again the media in sexualizing children. The book completely ignores any other sources of sexualization children may come across and blames it on the media. It screams ignorance and denial to me. One thing that struck was the sentence "Both girls and boys, but especially girls, are pushed into precocious sexuality in appearance and behavior long before they understand the deeper meaning of relationships or of the sexual behavior they are imitating." The author makes a point about not fully understanding their own behavior but then taints the message with prejudice by making a point to say "especially girls" as if girls are worse then boys, or the medial influence on girls is more direct than boys, both cases are not true. This book also fails to note that children have natural sexualized instincts and being ignorant of that is ridiculous when the title of book implies that it will be about the sexualization of children. Children are not stupid, they're animals just like adults, they know whats up. They'll figure out what SEX is through any medium you can think of, and sheltering just causes secretive behavior. Being up front and direct about these topics is a better way of handling and aiding misunderstandings.

[Kitchengrrl · Rating 2 out of 5]

picked this up at my parent's place, and I made it a few chapters in. I disagree with one part of the premise, this very old-school feminist line that girls don't have an adequate idea of their possibilities. However, the rest of it, that kids are growing up to fast, that media and culture is hyper-sexualized, I totally agree with. I'm looking forward to getting to the chapters about what to do about it. I don't have my own kids, but I teach seventh grade and whoa..... :P

Okay, having now finished the book, I still think the book is mostly handwringing over a very legitimate problem. Their solution (talk to your kids, monitor their consumption, help them make better choices) are also legitimate, but not particularly earth-shattering. If you're totally in the dark about what world your kids are living in and have NO IDEA how to talk to them, read this book. Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing and don't waste your time.

[Karla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to read, relevant to significant problems in our society. Includes good advice for raising sexually healthy children and also to how we can drive changes to the media driven sexual 'education' of modern humanity. There is nothing puritanical in this approach, it is about encouraging healthy sexually aware humans who can develop quality relationships and recognize that actions have consequences. These tenets are not taught in media's portrayal of sexual relationships, whether commercially in advertisements and magazines, film-based, and especially not in the prominently available porn on-line. And the governmental approach of abstinence based models doesn't help kids figure anything out either. This is a societal problem that requires societal based solutions. Parents cannot do it all by themselves, but there is a lot we can do when we maintain connection with our kids.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was just okay. Generally speaking, the main concept of the book is to be aware of what your kids are being exposed to. That's nothing really new and something that I've read in lots of parenting books. But if you're not a parenting book connoisseur (wink) then you might find this book useful.

I did feel like this author was a bit "alarmist" ("Oh no! All of advertising is evil and there to corrupt your children!") and didn't give much nuance to specific topics within sexuality. I think the author's "heart" and reasoning was in the right place: to help parents navigate through this particular topic with kids.

[Kris Patrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Price of Privilege reminded me that I read this book a couple summers ago. Good book about a topic that gets me fired up!

[Lili Kyurkchiyska · Rating 4 out of 5]

Макар че всичко това се случва в американското общество, то вече застига и нас. Лични наблюдения.

[Damilola · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great book. A primer for me that definately gave me the vocabulary to engage in broader discussions about subverting media sexualization of young people but also promoting developmentally appropriate sexual development. Some of the examples may be outdated but written from a caring and concerned heart with good research to back up her points.

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unfortunately, due to a massive headache, I can't give a great review on this. The book seems torn between being a slutshamey, alarmist, heteronormative mess, and an incredibly insightful review on the effect of media on young children, and how it follows through in their development. Jean Kilbourne's chapters standout with their media analysis. Kilbourne explores the detrimental effect of misogynistic and hypersexual media on children, examining possible effects on body image, self identity, sexual identity, and interpersonal relationships.

Although Levin strives to explain that sexual relationships are healthy, she does so in a way that becomes slut shamey, and is always heteronormative. I should point out that Levin and Kilbourne's chapters are not marked, and both worked on the book, collaborating on chapters. My familiarity with Kilbourne's work enabled me to spot her contributions easily.

This isn't a book I would recommend personally, though I do think if you work in body image and media analysis it is good to be aware of all perspectives - and this certainly covers the more conservativee perspective.

What this book does do - along with many others - is highlight the need for BETTER media literacy programs to be embedded in schools, and it shows that they need to be in the curriculum from the time a child begins their education - and not left until high school. Furthermore, it demonstrates that parents need to be more media literate as well. It's all good and well to blame the media for problems in youth culture, but unless you have a sound understanding of how the media works and how pervasive it can be, along with how it can be used to foster discussions, that you may as well be blaming the sky.

[Emi Yoshida · Rating 4 out of 5]

I rate this right up there with Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher and Consuming Kids by Susan Linn. I didn't get much out of the first half of this book, as it was entirely preaching to the choir. But eventually I did learn a couple new terms, and I appreciate the corresponding advice:

To combat Compassion Deficit Disorder parents should model positive affection and caring relationships, lending of a helping hand, and point out positive news stories about the generosity and compassion of others.

For Problem Solving Deficit Disorder parents should of course limit screen time, and also provide open ended play materials like blocks, play dough (just the dough itself, without the ice cream parlor kit or the pizzeria kit etc), baby dolls, playhouses/forts (like a sheet and a cleared off dining room table), doctor kit, and encourage art project making, writing, and outdoor physical activity.

The book also has ideas for dealing with gender stereotyping, consumerist mentality, fashion bullying, and a litany of other depressing issues our children have to contend with today. The Notes section at the back has a ton of websites and suggested further reading. My only criticism is I wish the authors had come up with a more gender neutral title and cover illustration for this book which really does address boys as well as girls.

[Jenna Mullen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Last night we had our book group on this book and we collectively agreed that it should have been half the length. The authors are too repetitive and use the same few examples over and over, which makes them lose some credibility. Even though it's only 6 year old, many of the examples are dated. There is also a lack of studies and research cited in the book. Another point brought up at our book group, is that women played with Barbies 45 years ago and also dressed them up and did fashion shows. That is not a new phenomenon.

I agree with the authors and am disturbed by the age compression in clothing, music, etc. I also have a strong dislike for Bratz dolls and the like. I do agree that parents need to be having open conversations with their kids and teenagers so that the kids know they are safe to talk to them about anything. From a moral standpoint, I agree with the authors that media has been detrimental and demoralizing to impressionable young kids and that children need to be taught self-value and respect. I also agree that sex should be taught that it is between people who love, care, and respect each other.

I wanted to love it, but I just got frustrated with many parts and felt that it fell a little flat. I did appreciate a few of the suggestions and would love to see media literacy taught in the public school curriculum.

[Lanae3 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a VERY open discussion about the direction our culture is taking and the sexualization of our young people for commercial interests. It talks frankly about all media sources and the effect they're having on the lives of our youth and on children, ie, violence and lack of respect, objectifying women and girls, and making everything about appearance and sexiness - even for very young girls, while taking caring relationships out of the equation for sex. It was eye-opening and thought provoking, and a springboard for discussion. If you blush at the word "sex" or have a hard time talking about the subject, this book may be hard for you to get through. I'm glad I read it, so I can be more on guard about the world around my children and can talk to them openly about the influences they'll face, what those influences are trying to make them think and do, and what is right or wrong about them. In one chapter, they quoted the lyrics of some songs, described some video games, and brought to light other shocking things in the media. I'll definitely be more on guard after reading this. I had no idea things aimed at kids we so graphic.

[Nathan Schwartz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Uninteresting. Common sense suggestions for problems everyone has heard about and hopefully agrees with. This book was written in 2008, and I feel that in the last five years (I'm writing this review in 2013) the sexy pre-teen issue has gotten a little bit better. It’s still a problem, but I don’t see nearly as much of the slutty Halloween costumes for children as I used to, and the Bratz doll thing has faded quite a bit. The authors have some extremely sloppy and agenda-driven scholarship in this book – the sort of thing that I remember well from bad sociology papers in college (they are old-line feminists bristling at the new order feminists and their shameful ways). Finally the actual tips at the end were only the most vague and obvious things you can think of: know what your kids consume, limit their access (but not too much), talk to them, don’t make them feel bad. Maybe that’s a good checklist, but this seems more worthy of a blog post than a book.

I'm giving it two stars because, even though as a book it was pretty bad, I completely agree with just about everything they said.

[Shelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good information. Could have been written in about half the pages, or perhaps as an expanded article/series, as it just gives a very basic overview of the authors's research. Nonetheless, an important book for all parents. If you've taken gender psych at all, you may not find too many surprises in the book, BUT, that said, I was surprised at all the advice I can really use as a parent. Good.

[Idania · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful and insightful. A little droning in the middle and repetitive, but by the end it had useful tips for parents who are concerned in this front. Highly recommend.

[Jeanine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Between the common sense points, these writers throw in way too many slut-shaming opinions. They weakly say sex is natural and good, but mostly allude otherwise. They throw in some cheap shots at porn, as in, for adults, in general, not in relation to children. That sounds like a whole separate topic and instead discredits their ideas. This book seemed outdated for the years it was written and definitely not on board with today's thoughts on teaching kids to respect, understand, and enjoy their bodies. What it does offer is some insight to how advertising gets into children's heads.

[Lily Heron · Rating 1 out of 5]

By and large, the advice was actually decent, but the messaging is so confused and all over the place. Fourth grade girls are sexy and provocative? Star Wars lego sets encourage violence? Little boys sexually assaulting little girls are just 'kids being kids'? I think there's a lot of projection going on here, like... if you're looking at little girls thinking they're sexy, that's a you problem...

[Marianne Mullen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did enjoy the book even though parts of it felt like it was repetitive and circuitous. I liked the "how to" section for making changes in society and in your own world but there weren't too many new ideas. I think it is a must-read for parents who don't know where to start or aren't very familiar with the concept of sexualization or objectification of women.

[Olivia Annes · Rating 3 out of 5]

my mom read this book when i was about 7 and used a lot of its strategies in parenting me. did it work? can’t tell you. its definitely becoming outdated and in need of some revamping, but i think the core message of fighting a war on both fronts of abstinence-only education and the hyper sexualization of children’s media rings true.

[Daniela · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is actually a very good book. I was about to skip it due to low reviews but it would have been a great mistake.

Great ideas inside. Strongly recommend it especially if you feel alone with this largely sexualization of kids today. (Probably, the reason for those low reviews is the desensitized to sexualize childhood).

[Tara · Rating 1 out of 5]

The pearl clutching! The "and then everybody clapped"-style case studies!
I picked this book up because I agree with the premise that sexualization of children is frequent and problematic, but ooh these ladies forced me off their side through Bad Writing and Logical Fallacy violations. 😐

[Bethany · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent guide for parents and teachers.