I'm Okay, You're a Brat - Freeing Ourselves From the Guilt-Making Myths of Parenthood

by Susan Jeffers

Whether you are already a parent or just suspect you will be one someday, I'm Okay, You're a Brat is sure to change your perceptions about the responsibility. With individual chapters devoted to topics such as full-time parenting, breastfeeding, custody in case of divorce, and remaining childfree, the realism presented will shatter any remaining illusions you may be harboring. Determined to explode the myth of continually joyous parenting, author Susan Jeffers replaces it with a more realistic view of the life changes and emotional difficulties associated with such a long term and essentially thankless task. Jeffers accomplishes this by emphasizing the difference between loving your children and actually enjoying parenting them, a difference that is rarely examined in this age of guilty, overworked parents. Peppered with quotes from parents, researchers, and her earlier works ( Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and End the Struggle and Dance with Life ), the first chapters may come as a bit of a shock to parents not able to freely admit to the daily struggle of parenting--while there are most definitely rewards, who among us enjoys being spit up on? Where's the fun in attending soccer matches when soccer bores you to tears? Who loves parenting when the child just dented the new car and broke curfew? Jeffers insists it's time to openly talk about the downside of parenting--the loss of privacy, lack of sleep, financial struggles, and the instantaneous guilt felt by the majority of parents whenever they attempt to express these downer feelings. Often funny, and always thought provoking, you'll feel quickly reassured that you are not a bad parent for feeling this way--in fact, by freeing yourself from the good/bad parent complex, you may ultimately find greater personal fulfillment both as an individual and as a parent. --Jill Lightner

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Psychology, Family, Self Help

272 pages, Paperback

First published June 17, 1999

About the author

Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. has helped millions of people throughout the world overcome their fears, heal their relationships, and move forward in life with confidence and love.

She is the author of many internationally renowned books including Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Feel the Fear. . .and Beyond, Feel the Fear Power Planner, End the Struggle and Dance With Life, Dare to Connect, Opening Our Hearts to Men, Losing a Love...Finding a Life, Thoughts Of Power and Love, The Little Book of Confidence, Embracing Uncertainty, Life is Huge! plus her "Fear-less Series" of affirmation books and tapes (Inner Talk for Peace of Mind, Inner Talk for a Confident Day, and Inner Talk For a Love That Works). Her latest book is The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love, which was published in the UK in May 2005 and in the US and Canada by her own publishing company, Jeffers Press, in October 2005.

As well as being a best-selling author, Susan is a sought-after public speaker and has been a guest on many radio and television shows internationally. She lives with her husband, Mark Shelmerdine, in Los Angeles.

Reviews

[Rachel McCready-Flora · Rating 1 out of 5]

I suffered through over half of this book before I finally dropped it for good. I thought maybe it would eventually organize itself into something thought provoking based on the reviews, but Jeffer's writing is unorganized, lacks depth, and isn't helpful at all at answering the questions that would lead a parent or potential parent to this book. I can understand how a really frustrated parent that went into mother/fatherhood with glossy expectations would find solace in Jeffer's words, but an essay would suffice. To save you the trouble, here are Jeffer's main points:

- Jeffers loves her kids but really disliked being a parent and seems to regret procreating (apparently all of her friends and examples feel the same way)
- Only a select few find joy and fulfillment in having kids
- Children are messy, angry, crabby, selfish, and will fill you with rage and probably wreck your life
- Children will ruin your marriage/relationship

If you are deciding to have or not have kids, or the timing to do so, I would strongly recommend The Parenthood Decision, by Beverly Engels. This is an extraordinarily helpful read that helps you sort through motives, readiness, and discusses having children in relation to your goals as an individual and a couple.

[Elyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book title sounds negative, but the book itself is very affirming. It was extremely liberating, as a new parent, to read a book that tells it like it is! So many parenting books have an undertone of guilt if you aren't loving every minute of the experience. The author reviews various parenting stereotypes and delusions and talks about the very real and often challenging experience of parenting. The book also validates parent's experiences of holding conflicting feelings about parenting, i.e. "exhilirating and exhausting" as my good friend of two kids always says. There is also a great section about choosing to have one child and not succumbing to the guilt and expectation that you must have at least two kids to be a true parent or have a real family. This book is a good companion to The Mask of Motherhood.

[Valerie Sherman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm on the fence about having kids, leaning toward remaining child-free by choice. This is a fascinating, honestly written book, and I really do think she sheds light on an area that most people prefer not to talk about. Internet message boards about mothers hating the process of parenthood seem to confirm her message. I think this is a valuable read for anyone on the fence about parenthood, or for those who feel a little guilty that they're not enjoying the process as much as they wish.

[Juls · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is affirming no matter what side of the fence you're on. I read it because it was recommended to me by a friend who enjoyed reading it. I didn't go into parenthood with fairy tale expectations, and I haven't felt stifled by pressures to be perfect. I love being a mom. This book is not about whether you love or hate parenting. It's about shedding light on taboo topics that only make parenthood harder and creating honest dialog so that we can be stronger for our kids and truer to ourselves.

[Bridget · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting. Shoulda read this about 20 years ago. Ha.

[raccoon reader · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've read so many positive reviews of this book, so I was a little shocked at my serious disliking of the book. I forced myself to finish the book despite feeling a mixture of negative emotions about the book. I came to one quote in her book nearing the end that said if you read a parenting book that makes you feel bad you should toss it out, and if you read one that makes you feel good then stick to what that one teaches. It was hard not to say halleluiah and toss hers right then and there, but I braced myself to finish it.

First, let me say that if you want to read page after page of lamenting parents confessing that they want to kill their children, replaying their killing fantasies for the reader and confessing that they hate their children, then by all means- read this book.

Second, if you need something to push you over the edge to convince you not to have children, or to reaffirm your world view that children are terrible, will ruin your life forever, and that people who have children are masochistic idiots, then this is definitely a good book for you.

Now, that said, I want to say that I am not a crazy "everyone have babies! Lots of babies!" happy but in denial lunatic. For one of my final graduate school projects I compiled an extensive bibliography of Conscious Conception/Preconception materials and urged that public libraries create strong balanced collections to help parents make wise decisions *before* becoming pregnant, not just after they are already with child. I fully believe in Conscious Conception as a powerful way of controlling your decision process. I advocate that mother should prepare in every single way possible for the arrival of a child into their home. Physically, emotionally, financially, etc. to the best of her ability. I think that far, far too many women rush blindly, ignorantly, and unprepared into motherhood, sometimes not even rushing but accidentally falling in. I think we put more time into planning which car to buy than having children. Dr. Jeffer's book is in my bibliography and I think it will help those who do not want to have children be gently encouraged that they are making a wise decision. This is a positive step for allowing child-free people to feel as if they have made a socially acceptable choice. The book will also help those who hate their children and their life to know they are not alone. Oh gods how you are not alone!

But, I disagree with the main underlying theme of her book about a "conspiracy of silence." I can only speak from my own world view, here deep in the south- but every woman with only perhaps 3 or 4 exceptions, have told me the "truth" about their children. That the mom's need space, need their own time, own projects, need quiet, need more support. That their children are needy, and are very brutally honest about what happens after the birth. They don't lie to you and tell you its all wonderful, as Jeffers claims, only to tell you "how awful it *really* is" after you actually have a baby (tricking you according to Jeffers). No, they're brutally forthright. I've never encountered this "conspiracy of silence." Mothers around me detail the horrors, the lows, and the disruptions that the new baby presents. I wonder if I am somehow living in a bubble of honesty in my state that doesn't reach where ever Jeffers is? Or is she living in a bubble of lies that doesn't reach as far as she thinks it does? It certainly isn't every single woman out there as Jeffers suggests. Perhaps it is a bigger problem than I might think, but I doubt it's as big a problem as she makes it out to be. She gives those screaming the second coming of Christ with REPENT signs on a street corner downtown a run for their money in enthusiasm and blind faith that the world is as she says. Except her signs say something like CONFESS LIARS! If she had even held a slightly more academic neutral tone in her writing I would have given her another star. I feel sorry for the apparent masses of women who still cling to myths that she "debunks" that I thought died decades ago. For them this book will do a good job to help them feel better about themselves. So it serves a purpose for some.

For me however, someone who's already done some research, doesn't need to be coddled and told "the truth" and that I've "been lied to all these years" (because I haven't been, thank you very much) I disliked the book greatly.

Lastly, it felt like the running gag in The Love Guru every time Jeffers would quote and plug her own books and writings ("In my book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway I discuss (state, talk about, explain, etc.)) Ugh, I could just picture the Love Guru holding up his book and saying the same thing... jeeeze... And her titles almost have the same hokey ring to them as his did. It's humorous and annoying.

[Tania43214321 · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book I think in 1999. I am revisiting it, because of all the parenting books I;ve read, and I;ve a read a lot, this is one of the few titles that I still remember. I've read a lot of reviews, and all I want to say, is that I can understand why this book was written. If you put the time and place in context, you have to understand, that during this time, most parenting books, if not all the others that I read, focus on the parent, and not the child. If your child acts a certain way, in these books, the behavior was blamed on something that the parent did. And this is very guilt inducing. I think most of the other books, that blame the parent for doing something wrong, or needing to change their technique, is a backlash, to parenting done the generation ahead, abuse, and neglect. The thing is, the children that experienced the abuse and the neglect, dont treat their children like this, so they dont need to be told, how not be jerk to your kid. This book takes the opposite approach.

Now granted, there are a lot of GenXers, during this time, that started having children. As the "neglected" generation, with a lot of us raising our selves, and having abusive parents ourselves, a lot of us swore, to never treat our children, the way we were treated. Along with this, during this time, a lot of child hood freedom was taken away, like the ability to walk home from school alone, playing out doors, etc. So children are now, are far less independent and less well adjusted, than the generations before. They are more entitled, selfish, and there is less of a sense of community and family. They think the world revolves around them.. To parents that are not abusive and dont want to spank etc, they are looking for explanations, as to why, and how to curtail, their childs brattiness.

You wont find the whys or hows in this book. This book is just let you know, that as the parent, you are not 100% of the problem. Maybe your kid, like a lot of others, are just brats, thats all. But dont feel bad, its not just you, sorta thing.

So now that WE are parents, we are scratching our heads! "Why are our children so angry and such horrible little beings?" we are thinking about our kids. What is it that could be so distressing for you, that you need to spend 8 hours, screaming your head off, and tormenting everyone around you, just because you didnt get what you wanted? As a Genx'r, this behavior, is unspeakable. Genxr think that it must be them!

In previous generations, if a child acts like this, they are punished, and possibly spanked. I think baby boomer generation was really lax with the violence and abuse. And now that has fallen out of favor, and a lot of Genxrs, dont see their parents as models of behavior at all.

The thing is, Genxrs already know first hand experience, that being an abusive neglectful parent is not ideal, even we did end up more independent because of it. WE dont need books out there, explaining this. So this is why THIS book was written, and probably why its the only book I remember when I had distressing times with my kid.

So what to do when you are treating your kid with respect, and they are acting like a brat??

Well, this author is letting you know, that its not always your fault. Basically, there are bad people in the world, and they used to be children and this author is just letting you know, that 1) you are not alone, 2)this wont last forever, they grow up and you can kick them out of the house, 3) its not your fault, other than the fact you had them..

At the time, I was disappointed when I read this book because I was looking for more depth, and more direction, other than a rant about how horrible children can be. I know, I live it. And its just not me, its the neighbors, the friends, teachers complaining, etc. I didnt need strength in numbers. But I was looking for a perspective, and I guess the perspective of the book is, its not necessarily your fault. Stop beating yourself up, your trying. There are other forces at work, outside your control. And that IS true.

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a bit of a disappointment. I dunno, I just expected something...more.

For your information, I am someone strongly contemplating the childfree life. I thought this book would reaffirm, and possibly strengthen my desire to not have children. It did...sort of. But it fell a little short of my expectations.

For one thing, I HATE the author. I was initially attracted to the book because the previews of the book all made me think that I would love her "refreshingly honest" voice. Her honesty was overshadowed by her sense of self-importance. She begins each chapter with a quote. She quotes herself. Several times. I seriously had to roll my eyes at this shameless self promotion. I am fascinated by the subject of childfreedom, and will run toward anything that talks about "the truth" of motherhood. Hating the author has nothing to do with me hating the subject (hmm...kind of like how many parents feel about the parenting job and their children themselves...), but Jeffers just ruined the book for me.

In one chapter, she rants on and on about this "Circle of Being" concept that is supposed to relieve mothers of their guilt for their child's sometimes monster-like behavior. You can totally tell Jeffers thinks she is just SO SMART for inventing this concept. Honestly, it's not that brilliant or earth-shattering. "Circle of Being" is just a fancy term for "environment," and the nature vs. nurture battle is nothing new. Also, I disagree with Jeffers' view that mothers are not responsible for how their child turns out. I do think there is far too much guilt heaped on parents, but Jeffers goes too far in the other direction. From what I've observed, parents account for a LARGE portion of how their children turn out. Going into the parenting role means accepting this responsibility and all the guilt and overwhelming-ness that comes with it.

If you're like me, and contemplating being childfree, the first chapter is the most helpful. I pretty much skimmed the rest of the book. When I first started reading it, I was thinking "Wow! This is going to be so eye-opening!" My expectations were quickly lowered when I saw how repetitive each chapter was. Hmmm...maybe this was a brief glimpse into how parenthood will be, if I ever choose that path....

Edit: There's no "quotes" section for this book, so I'm just going to share one quote I found that really resonated with me:

"Even when we are blessed with relatively good kids, there are always the hard, hard times. There was not one parent I interviewed, even among those who adore children and loved raising them, that said it was easy. 'Difficult' was the most commonly used adjective" (p. 100).

Another Edit: Here's another quote, just because...

"My advice is that if a therapist makes you feel guilty, get out of that office just as fast as you can and find a more compassionate therapist. A sign of a great therapist is that he or she makes you feel powerful and loving so that you can effectively change what doesn't work in your life" (p. 137).

[Amanda Papenfus · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think the cover's statement, "a must-read for parents, wannabe parents, & the cheerfully child-free" is accurate. While the book is good for all, it seems it might be best for those who are already parents. The author spends a good deal of time going over some of the myths of parenting and freeing parents from "guilt-peddlers". Those who want to be parents (or perhaps aren't sure if they want to be) get a realistic look at some of the things that few parents disclose. And those who are child-free will likely breathe a sigh of relief (or several) that they will never have to go through these things. The author had children but says that she did not love the parenting process despite loving her children. She seems supportive of people who want children (but wants them to make an informed decision), but she also validates those who don't. As she says, "We need to be strong. We need to take a stand. We need to think for ourselves. It doesn't serve us well to become embroiled in irrational pressure from society. We need to be sure that if we decide to have a child, it is a wise choice on our part; and we need to be sure that if we don't have a child, it is a wide choice on our part. (213)" I think this book will may help people to make a wise choice (and if one is already a parent it may help them feel less guilty about some of the choices they have made).

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was interesting but not mind blowing. I agree with what other reviewers said that it was a little much that she quoted herself and I also found that I didn't always agree with her wide generalizations about having children (I'm not so sure there's a "conspiracy of silence", I do think people do focus on the positive but everyone that I know does say parenting is the hardest thing they've done. Plus, we focus on the positive - at least outwardly - in most things in life. It's not like were posting "washing the dishes - again" photos on Facebook?)

Also I really just read the first 2 and last 2 chapters and ending up skimming the rest. As an on-the-fence childfree person, I think these chapters most pertained to me and it did get a bit repetitive after the 2nd chapter. Overall, I thought the message about doing what feels right to you as a parent and not worrying about what all the books say, is a good message. Too many mothers I know hold themselves to some comparative standard of motherhood and beat themselves up when they feel they aren't accomplishing that.

[Kendall Wilson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book articulates all the horrible thoughts you had about your child but didn't want to say out loud. I'm glad I read it as I had a hard time during the first few years of my son's life, and that was partly due to the "conspiracy of silence" Jeffers talks about. For anyone who doesn't believe the conspiracy of silence is real, then you haven't lived in New York City. It's isolating, and I wish I had read this book sooner, so it could have at least provided me with some much-needed perspective and comic relief. Recommended for anyone who feels unhappy in their role as a parent, or anyone who is considering never having kids. It's empowering for both.

[Yichen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not sure how actual parents would feel. As a non-parent, I feel many people would be offended by how down on children this book is. Yes, yes, this book claims to be more honest about the burdens of parenthood, but at the end of the day the take-away just seems to be, "Children suck. Why do this to your life?" To me, the actual execution of the book missed its purpose of, "Parenting is hard, so take care of yourself and your partner, and squeeze what enjoyment you can out of the experience anyway without giving any fudges what any advice person (this book included) says." A little bit of positivity, especially with pragmatism that this book is supposed to offer, goes a long way.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finally, a book that tells 'it' like it is! What is 'it?' Parenthood! You won't find any gushy, mushy, lovey-dovey stuff in here!(About how wonderful it is to be a parent.) She lays it on the line, tells all; how your life is never the same once you have a child; what you give up to have a child/ren; it is ok if you don't want to reproduce; etc etc. We automatically assume everyone has the mother 'gene' and will be a great mom and know what to do. Not necessarily!

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really easy to read. The last few chapters were the best for me since I've been exploring the idea of being childfree. She brought up a lot of good points.
I think merge the last few chapters of her book with first few in The Parenthood Decision and you're well on your way.

[Ariane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book, both for parents and those who are not sure whether they want to be parent. Not having children myself I'm still wondering whether the picture she painted of parenthood is not a bit too dark

[Stacy Boyd]

I get aggravated by kids and parenting, too, sometimes, but I found this author's stories too abrasive. She came across as the brat.

[Jessi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book that offers an honest look at the hard work needed to be a parent. Reading it made me want to write a thank you letter to my parents.

[Brette · Rating 3 out of 5]

Informative! (But a little too academically written for my taste...)

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good read. Id advise any CF people to read this book, people who are on the fence about kids may find it very insightful. Even if you have kids this book is worth a read :)

[Mel Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have so often been told that being a parent is the greatest thing. That you don't know true love until you become one. That I will miss out if I don't have any. IIf this is what I am missing it is no loss to me.

[Candice · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars from the Cheerfully Childfree!

[Emma · Rating 1 out of 5]

if you're a narcissist parent, you'll love this book