Free Refills is the harrowing tale of a Harvard-trained medical doctor run horribly amok through his addiction to prescription medication, and his recovery.
Dr. Peter Grinspoon seemed to be a total a Harvard-educated M.D. with a thriving practice; married with two great kids and a gorgeous wife; a pillar of his community. But lurking beneath the thin veneer of having it all was an addict fueled on a daily boatload of prescription meds. When the police finally came calling--after a tip from a sharp-eyed pharmacist--Grinspoon's house of cards came tumbling down fast. His professional ego turned out to be an impediment to getting clean as he cycled through recovery to relapse, his reputation, family life, and lifestyle in ruins. What finally moves him to recover and reclaim life--including working with other physicians who themselves are addicts--makes for inspiring reading.
"It's not that I'm a snob; I just don't want to deal with these people. They are from the streets. I'm a doctor. I'm in a different category. Why should we be in treatment together?"
I literally hated this so much I think it's giving me wrinkles.
In reviewing this hunk of shit, I will be fair. I will be honest. I will also try to be kind because this is someone's personal story. But what's that old proverb? You gotta be cruel to be kind.
So if you care at all what this is about, it's all right there in the title; Free Refills: A Doctor Confronts His Addiction. Except he doesn't really confront it. From the beginning to the end of the story, whether he's on drugs or not, the same arrogant entitled attitude radiates through.
Be prepared for a looooong review!
Was it the trauma and influence of being stuck in the preemie nursery that set me on the wrong path from day one? Did I encounter some perinatal pre-gang members who corrupted me? Maybe someone said, "Gaa gaaa gooo goooo" ("Yo, homey, let's go smoke a spleef").
Like among my MANY problems with this, it constantly has the attitude of trying to be funny, but fails consistently. This book is like that old dude who corners you at work and insists on telling you that same joke about the cow and the chicken, and it wasn't good the first time but he keeps staring at you and expecting you to laugh. But it's never ever funny.
He also DEFINITELY gives off the attitude, intentional or not, that he's better than all those other "thugs" who are addicted. Just cause he went to HAAAAARVARD.
Like, look at this shit.
Incarcerated patients under guard added to what I initially perceived as an ambience of thuggery and sociopathy. Until the week before, I was an elite physician who would have had nothing to do with these people, except if I were volunteering in a clinic for homeless addicts.
I wanted to keep working...not sit in Atlanta, roasting in the heat with these loser fuckups...
So clearly, he's a total angel, best person on earth. Better than allllll those other junkies. /eyeroll
I mean...do I really need to say anything else?
But I will.
He also seems very invested in the idea that he was a good doctor, maybe a compromised doctor when his addiction was at its worst. But he definitely seems to find his identity and passion in being a good compassionate community doctor:
For example, he says:
This moved me deeply and, on some level, reinforced my desire to become a physician, so that I could be as empathetic and life-sustaining as [he] was to me that night.
Which is a beautiful aspiration to work toward! But. He also says:
I opined, "I don't know why extremely fat women wear thongs to physical exams. It's gross. All their flesh is bulging out around the thong."
I can't speak for his IRL doctoring, or his real life personality. But it comes across here as insensitive, and in no way what I personally would want from my doctor.
Speaking of bulging flesh, Free Refills has a bad habit of describing people in derogatory terms relating to their weight. Rufus, the police officer who initially arrests him, is referred to as "morbidly obese" and "pasty."
But this one is waaaaaayyyyy worse.
In walks Henry with a female friend of his, a woman of immense proportions, with a cow-like facial expressions. Guiltily, I thought, "Can't addiction counselors do better than this?"
He nodded pleasantly, turned back to his bovine, and seemed fine with this.
Mind you, HE'S SOBER AT THIS POINT! It's not cool to refer to people as bovine, okay? It's skeevey.
He does occasionally admit his hypocritical attitude, which earns him some points. And I actually appreciated that he didn't whitewash any shitty actions. I liked that he took total responsibility for crossing legal and ethical boundaries with his patients.
But there's no reflection or growth. There's an attempt at a symbolic turning point moment, but it's at 86% in! So that's roughly 25 pages for him to show himself and his life completely drug and relapse free. It's not nearly enough.
Finally, Ellen Gail presents Side notes and additional commentary!
A) There's a joke about "stoned fish in the Boston Harbor." Which reminds me: PLEASE don't flush your unused or unwanted medications down the toilet! It's super bad for the environment. If you have pills to get rid of, see if your pharmacy has a takeback or disposal program (some do, some don't). Many police stations will have drug disposal boxes! Or if you just feel like chucking them, mix them with something gross like old coffee grounds or cat litter. Making them taste nasty will discourage overly curious animals and kids from eating out of your garbage.
B) He talks about putting narcotics in innocuous bottles for Allegra or Zantac. Then boasts, "This was practically foolproof because, short of a forensic laboratory, it is impossible to tell which pills are which."
Ever heard of a pill identifier? There are many I can identify on sight (which admittedly is an acquired skill,) but anyone will google can tell an Allegra from some Oxy.
C) Then there's this: Adam, an ER doc, was kind and intelligent, with all of the external trappings of his sexual orientation.
D) Klonopin was misspelled as Klonapin consistently. Which okay, I am hardly the spelling queen or anything. But with a doctor writing a professionally published book, I expect spell check.
So if you've stuck with me this long, you've probably figured out that I found Free Refills to be basically a lukewarm mess. The book is pretentious and flat, lacking the insight and sharpness that makes a memoir shine.
I think this would be a good read for all medical students. As an emergency physician, the narration of this book only sadly potentiates the denial and anger that comes with addiction. The author seems pretty entitled and never seems to admit that he's a junkie for life. That's something he should just own and quit making excuses that he's any different than other "drugged out thugs." A lot of blaming, anger and cynicism in this book.... I expected more humility from a "recovered" addict. Maybe I'm the cynical one?! Still thinking about this one...
"Free Refills" is the story of what appears to be a self-serving, arrogant doctor who manages to evade the system until he doesn't. Unfortunately the story lacks depth or insight into addiction and recovery. The AA programs and the drug counselors, he despises are the ones that truly help people recognize behaviors and attitudes in themselves that lead to addiction and that should be changed. This crafty writer espouses recovery yet cannot escape the same vicious narcissistic denial and self-righteousness, condescending attitude that got him into difficulties in the first place.
Blaming others, failing to take responsibility for role in the destruction of his family, and what he did to his patients can't make up for an interesting and timely narrative. Addiction is a hot topic these days.
Grinspoon's intellectual justification and lack of insight into his own personality seem to be what makes him so unbelievable--you never quite feel empathy for this doctor, especially when he expresses impatience with patients who share his disease or dismisses those that work tiredly to help addicts. Let this be a lesson yes, about the dangers of I-am-too-grand-a-doctor to fall to the lowest depths of addiction like those narcotic addicts, but certainly not a lesson for those seeking recovery. Despite his deteriorating life, Grinspoon did not learn. The tale he tells of how he was caught again and again by authorities is intriguing. Yet throughout this page turning, oddly out-of-body, almost third person narrative of what happened to him, never does he present the reader with a model of humility, acceptance, true change.
Instead Grinspoon relies on his experiences only to create a mildly well-written tale that in a self-serving manner, fails to display any insight into the experiences of his children, friends, spouse, or family members who watched the deterioration and denial. Grinspoon is masterful at denying his role in the perpetuation of his addiction, time and time again laying blame with his addiction counselors, his attorney, his children, his work and his spouse. And more disturbingly because of a confluence of external resources, financial plentitude, and white skin, Grinspoon evaded the challenges faced by the majority of addicts, not privy to the same level of white privilege.
Grinspoon weaves a tale that engages the mind and intellect at some surface level, yet fails to summon the reader's sympathy or teach anyone about how to begin true recovery. Grinspoon writing is likable enough, but he fails to convince us, we should like him as well..or more importantly, that he has anything to teach us about addiction and recovery.
What happens when a doctor has an addiction problem is a fascinating subject, but this wasn't the book to read about it. This is the book to read if you like to read about people who live in their own little world where they are wonderful, well functioning humans and everyone else is just horrible. This is also the book to read if you love the word Harvard and want to see it as many times as you can in one book. It's also the book to read if you want to hear a man talk about the "horrible" wife he had, without for one second admitting his own role in destroying his marriage. I felt so bad for H.
All in all, this isn't a book about recovery, it's a book about denial. The author still appears to be in it. I wish him luck. But, I wish the people in his life much more, they'll need it
Listened to the audiobook. Did not like it. Not sure if the voice of narrator is partly to blame, but this guys seems a bit too impressed with himself and believes he is superior to other drug addicts because he is a superstar doctor who went to Harvard. I think he wrote the book so he could publish his glowing letters of recommendations he got when he graduated medical school.
I could see that this would be a useful book for health care professionals, to alert them to the signs of denial and the lengths of evasion amongst their peers who might be substance abusers. But for anyone else it was a painful read, an attempt to justify his descent into drug addiction and an opportunity to rail against everyone who wronged him.
The author claims to take a critical look at his behavior and accept personal responsibility. But he mostly uses the book as a means to vent his disdain for and anger at individuals and organizations involved in the process that enabled his recovery. He assigns blame to almost everyone else involved and pays lip service to taking responsibility, yet doesn’t exhibit true remorse for the profound impact his actions had on his children, ex-wife, colleagues, or patients. In fact, for all his blustering one must question his true commitment to his children that he felt justified in publishing this book and exposing them and their private family trauma. The incessant invectives against his ex-wife were petulant and quickly became tiresome (and were not even germane to the topic).
As a literary work this was cumbersome to read. The author decided that every reference to an individual (and many organizations) needed 1 or preferably 2 adjectives, usually pejorative. He repeats the same litany of complaints, strains credibility by replaying supposed conversations in unrealistic language, and seems oblivious to his sense of entitlement and superiority over almost everyone he encounters. The constant assertions of his intelligence were laughable.
Most disturbingly, he admits that he has not learned from his own experience. At the end of the book (after going through this process for 4 years) he states that, against his better judgment and everything he learned, he issued a prescription for a patient who was clearly abusing the medication.
The author makes it difficult to take him seriously as well intentioned, contrite, and a reasoned medical professional rather than egotistical and opportunistic.
I enjoyed this book so much. Such an open and honest look at opioid addiction and the pressures of being a physician and/or an alive human person. Sarcastic, witty, and easy to read.
I’m not going to hold back on this one. And, I’m going to be blunt. So, you’ve been warned.
I hated this book. And, I found myself despising the author more at the end of it than I did at the beginning. Let me tell you why…
In summary: Physician writes fake scripts to support his drug habit. He goes to rehab. While there, sees himself as better than everyone. He relapses multiple times. Dr. finally surrenders to himself and his addiction. He gets clean (not sober), gets his license back, and all is right with the world.
As a reader, what I want to see is character growth. I don’t care what sort of growth it is in fiction. It could be a priest that turns into a serial killer for all I care. I want to see them grow into their role, whatever that may be. In a memoir though, I want to see what the author has learned to their benefit. Throughout this memoir and especially toward the end, I realized this physician had learned nothing.
He goes into rehab as an asshole. Granted, he’s funny. That doesn’t detract from the fact that he’s an asshole. He leaves rehab as an asshole. And, he goes back to practicing as an asshole. Mr. Grinspoon shows no humility and very little personal accountability throughout the course of the book. For instance, he could never imagine himself working at Home Depot because he’s a doctor. In fact, in the end, he'd rather make the larger point about society failing him, barf.
I’m giving it 2 stars because it is well written. That means the sentences are well written. The allegories are painful. For instance, he finds his moment of surrender while plunging a toilet. Not only did this ring false to me, but it’s also wrong. As someone who's been there, I can say that you can’t flush the past away. You learn to live above it.
Lastly, I found it both humorous and nausea-inducing that the author likes to quote great minds such as Kierkegaard, Camus, and Sartre. It’s humorous because he uses them in the wrong context to demonstrate his superiority. It’s nausea-inducing because it’s obvious that he’s learned nothing from them.
The book is a good insight into what rehab is like for a professional. That’s about its only positive.
Honestly, I couldn't stand this guy by mid-book. He was so unlikable--such an entitled, pretentious, self-righteous, lying bastard, the only thing that kept me going was the excellent storytelling and my hopes that he would end up in prison, learning a much-needed lesson at the hands of the type of person he so readily dismissed as a thug. Although I was riveted to the narrative, I was going to give this book only 2 stars because I hated him so much.
If you start feeling that way, too, hang in there. You won't feel quite the same by the end. This is an engrossing and brutally candid recounting of a type of addiction the general public might never expect or consider.
I enjoyed reading this book, especially as a healthcare provider and working with many patients who struggle with drug addiction even as teenagers. The intersection of provider and addict is one that isn't often explored and it really made me think a lot about themes that lead to his addiction: his family life as a child, his parents' attitudes about substance use and the law, his brother's struggle with cancer and death, his own ego and pride, pressure from college and med school, depression and anxiety, a failed and seemingly abusive marriage, infinite trust from patients, and seemingly unlimited access to addictive pain meds. I appreciated his honest recount of his attitude throughout treatment, which was annoyingly self-centered and in denial but is realistic and honest. I was rooting for him - even though I never thought I would root for a physician who abused drugs and used patients for years - and it's impressive how he's used his story to bring awareness and his experience to help others like him recover and reach restitution. Ultimately, none of us are perfect and humility will lead to redemption. I admire his grit through this difficult and humiliating process. Quick read.
I'd read a few worrisome reviews about this author's condescending attitude toward other addicts who are not in his supposed high wrung of society as a medical professional. But the book pulled me right in and I gave benefit of the doubt as it seemed like his snobby narration style at the outset was meant to reflect his frame of mind at the time the events were occurring, when he was still in denial about his problem and its severity. I was pleased that by the end he started discussing an attitude change and some of the actual deep reflection that has to come with recovery in order for it to be lasting, and honestly really impressed with his recovery considering the depth of denial he came from in the beginning of treatment. i grew up very close to where his home base is and am hoping to meet him sometime now!
Reading through, you might think that the author is arrogant. But it's not really that. It's something that is shared in the scientific community, where confidence and overachievement makes you feel unbreakable. Combining that with addiction can lead you to a denial that is "rationalized" every day. Going through that journey through the eyes of someone who thought they were invincible, who society pressures to keep up with the god like status is eye-opening. Physicians are as vulnerable if not more. We have less than adequate ways of treating addicts, especially if they are non-religious. Addiction is a brain disease, how shameful it is of the same people who are aware of it to harshly treat colleagues who have it.
It was a quick read. The author was arrogant about his addiction and that bothered me a lot. He seemed to be in total denial even when going through the multiple episodes of treatment. The family seemed to be very much in denial too, but then what can be expected from a family engrained in marijuana "therapy."
The stories of his now ex-wife were very one-sided and cruel. I'm sure she could tell stories about him, his addiction, multiple treatments and vast denials. It would be enough to drive any sane wife crazy.
While it was well written and did share the disease of addiction clearly, this doctor/ writer / addict left out a lot of emotional connection, especially in taking responsibility. I almost feel uncertain he has hit his bottom as I didn't feel he surrender to his disease completely (still in willpower) and is willing to go to any lengths to stay clean. He just seems still very self centered, and disconnected emotionally. But, interesting read.
The book had alot of comic relief. Although i wish i could give this 5 stars, I felt it was lacking depth. It would be a good read for medical professionals, though it wasn't very exciting, i kept waiting for something exciting, but it never came.
He's an asshole. But hey, I appreciate his ability to reveal the dirty side of his life as a doctor who also had a major drug problem. If his story is true, those parents of his (or at least his father) are just as responsible as he is for the drugged path he took.
Grinspoon, primary care doctor in Boston (graduate of Swarthmore College and Harvard Medical School) is a narcotics addict. He writes:
"At the time (starting residency) nobody suspected that giving me a prescription pad was like giving a book of matches to a pyromaniac, or an atomic bomb to a terrorist....with a small square piece of paper and exertion of a few scribbles, I could transport my mood (Percocet, Vicodin), provde myself with inexhaustible energy (uppers), or hasten my disappearance into the land of oblivion (Valium and Klonapin), at will and with ease."
10-15% of physicians will struggle with alcohol or drug addiction. Suprisingly, the recovery rate for physicians is very high 70-80%.
Dr. Grinspoon shares his story of addiction. It started in medical school with snatching Vicodin from elderly patients in the hospital. It moved to stealing medication out of RX cabinents at neighbors houses, taking hits of Nitrous Oxide late at the hospital, and then hitting up colleagues for Oxy for "Migraines". Grinspoon somehow managed to complete Residency (mostly stoned) and work as a physician for many years. He proceeded to writing fake RX's for himself, and then even got into a share agreement with addicted patients writing for 150 Vicodin (then Dr. Greenspoon taking 15 off the top). Eventually as you can imagine his personal life floundered..his wife requested divorce, he was estranged from his kids, and the low point came when the Massachusetts medical board took away his license and he was removed from practicing medicine. He entered rehab.
Grinspoon writes in a comical irreverent fashion about a somber topic that is refreshing ( We played miniature gold tournaments in rehab, alcoholics vs drug addicts. The addicts usually won because their hands were less shaky, though they didn't always hit the ball in the right direction. We didn't allow redos for hallucinations or double vision).
4 stars. Grinspoon is a great writer. He lays out just how difficult it is to escape addiction..and goes deep into his struggle to regain his life, his medical license, and finding a second chance to practice medicine.
At first I was frustrated with this book because even though I loved what I was reading, it was taking me almost twice as long to read as it would any other book. Usually I pick up a memoir for the purpose of a quick read and knowing I can skim huge portions. This was not the case with this book. Everything written was important and played into the next topic or several topics later perfectly. I loved the organization of the three parts and how we followed Peter through his recovery journey. Working in the field I laughed or hurt at the parts I knew were "typical" but each was ever so personal too. It was such an honor to be let into his world as intimately as he wrote, both as a reader and as someone in the recovery field. One part I was floored by was his realization of how different therapy (and recovery) can be and is for people of varying backgrounds. He hits the nail on the head when he asks how some of these people are ever supposed to recover when they don't have the same resources.
There's a lot I learned for my own practice and a lot I learned as far as the way society still reacts to people with addiction. I was also horrified at the way the medical field operates around addiction (although this was only one case). Free Refills seems to me an important piece of recovery literature and something a lot of people need to read even if they don't think addiction can or will touch them. Truth be told it is probably closer than you think, and even if it isn't then it's at least close to someone you're in contact with and your opinions can either help society or continue to hold people back.
At the start of the book I wasn't sure I was going to be able to take the brash, arrogant author's voice for the entire length of the story, but I hoped he'd mellow out as he got clean, humbled, and learned some lessons. As a veteran of other drug memoirs, he mentions Nic Sheff and Bill Clegg's books by name, I knew what to expect going in. I've also watched far more episodes of "Intervention" than I should have, and made it all the way through the run of "Nurse Jackie."
I liked what he had to say about the rehab industry, where your time inpatient is determined on what seems to be little more than your ability to pay. I could also empathize with the overly religious bent of a lot of the rhetoric spewed at you when you are in a vulnerable state, atheists, agnostics, and non-Christians should be forced to drink that Kool-Aid in order to recover.
Also liked what he had to say about the culture of medicine and how hard it is for someone to self-report or report a doctor who is in trouble. Who wants to ruin a friend or colleague's career? It also reminds me of the books I've read about doctors and nurses who were actively killing patients--like Kristen Gilbert or Michael Swango. How their suspected crimes got covered up to protect the all-mighty bottom line.
One small quibble, I wish he could have given his first wife a pseudonym, rather than calling her H. throughout the entire book. And I sure didn't have a lot of sympathy for H. She might have been living with an addict but by the sounds of it she didn't help matters any. She didn't want to lose her access to that MD gravy train.
I loved reading this story! As a practicing physician and a family member of someone suffering addiction this book was a revelation. To understand the thoughts and feelings of someone suffering this disease as they go through the trials and tribulations is very illuminating. Addiction seems to be all about hiding the truth both from your loved ones and yourself. It also seems to be about blaming others. To see this story as it unfolds gives us insight into the disease and how it plays out both from the perspective of one suffering the disease and from the perspective of a practicing physician. He makes many missteps throughout this story but to my mind the times that he breaks his promise to do no harm are the ones that are really chilling. These moments display the grip addiction has on him and the guilt he must overcome to get back his true sense of self.
If you are looking for an inspirational memoir, this is it. The story of a guy who was at rock-bottom and rose up again, after many trips! ;) I love that kind of thing. It's the kind of story that you read, and it sticks with you. When you think your life is tough, sometimes it's nice to have a story like this in your back pocket to remind you that some people have been much worse off than you, but they found their way out of it. Sounds corny, but it's the truth. I read memoirs so that I can not only learn interesting things about people with different (or similar) lived experiences, but also to be inspired by their triumphs, and to learn from their failures. This book has all of that, with a good dose of humor to boot. If you are on the fence-I highly recommend that you read it!
Great read! Would highly recommend it to anyone interested in powerful stories of healing and redemption as I am. This book is particularly timely as the themes of addiction and recovery currently loom large in our culture.
The author's stance is extremely personal yet with an objective air and social conscience as well. Steeped in honest, searing self disclosure, this physician, with all his elite background and training, found himself struggling with the disease of addiction and was brought to his knees literally and figuratively. His journey is harrowing, fascinating, moving and ultimately rewarding as he finds his way to sobriety and a life of meaning and purpose. Don't miss this one.
A very good and entertaining read. But more important, valuable insights on the process of addiction and how some people are actually wired for drug addiction. The book gives a first-hand account of the difficulties of recovering which are very considerable, even when the individual has access to the best processes and people available. Thankfully physicians are taking sensible and strict measures within their own ranks to avoid and recover from addiction. A lot can be learned and put into place for the general population based on their experiences, but it's going to take a huge amount of education and change. It has to be done.
This memoir by Dr. Peter Grinspoon tells his story of addiction, where it started, how it affected his life, the deception he entered, and how difficult it was to escape from the allure of drugs. He is brutally honest as he relates the lengths that he went to over the years to obtain drugs, even endangering others. His love for his family and for his profession were very much as part of his story. Even that did not prevent him from taking drugs. His story of recovery is very up and down. Drugs reach into every area of one's life and nothing was left untouched in his. Fascinating reading.
This was an awesome memoir; the main character was hard to take at first, and I can see that if you don't understand the genre of memoir, you might be offended, but as the book progressed, it was pretty amazing to see him grapple with the issues of his addiction as a physician and his growth and change as a person. It was extremely well-written with lots of humor.
While I believe the book to be truthful on how this man struggled with his addiction and his long struggle with denial, I felt a little lost with the shifting timeline within sections. Not a strong narrator, but a good story and one that those who work in medicine to review.
I loved this book. In particular: - How the story of addiction and recovery alternates with the author's personal background - How the author's voice matures as he becomes more self-aware; this feels very authentic. - How it manages to be both funny, sad and enlightening.
I don't feel Dr. Grinspoon held much back when he told his story. As a nurse in a city of 50000 people word gets around. We have had several MDs and many nurses who have had addictions, mostly opiates. Interesting to read his perspective. You give hope.