Out From Under: The Impact of Homosexual Parenting

by Dawn Stefanowicz

Dawn Stefanowicz knows from personal experience that the environment in which a child is raised matters. Her story delivers a gripping, no-holds-barred account of what it was like to grow up with a homosexual father and a chronically ill and passive mother. Transparently, candidly, yet respectfully, Dawn raises the blinds on a home shrouded in secrecy, conflict, confusion, and abuse. Through her experiences, she offers hope and encouragement to those from similar backgrounds and a broader understanding of how various family forms and living arrangements can affect children throughout their lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, History

245 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

Reviews

[Myth · Rating 2 out of 5]

Typically, I don’t like memoirs and I don’t know why I read them. I would’ve given this memoir a 2.5 if it was possible, but I went for the lower rating for reason described in my analysis.

I took a long break from reading this book. At the time I picked it back up, about halfway through, I’ve also began reading Ethical Slut. Talk about an extreme contrast in morals, philosophies, culture and ideas. I do have my bias, but I like reading all kinds of different insights. Overall, I didn’t really care for this book ("okay" is what 2-stars is according to Goodreads [I'm also one of these people who try not to give our five stars if it can be helped]) and found a lot of it lacking or parts seemed to be missing. I also didn’t get what I expected out of this book.

I'll start the analysis portion off with my impression of what this book would be about given the title. Aside from the main title, it was subtitled “The impact of homosexual parenting.” I read the summary of this book on B&N and I don't remember reading anything about her father's psychology illness. I expected someone in a visible minority trying to hold together a family (the modern idea of homosexual) and it proving that homosexual men, even when they try, can’t fulfill the needs of a girl.

However, there was no actual “parenting” in this book, not by the mother or father. Instead Dawn was abused physically, emotionally and mentally by deranged parents. Of course the “homosexual” of the day and age the memoir takes place is not what we have today and I tried to construct the context as I read. I gained nothing as far as an insight to actual homosexual parenting given a culture and decent people who could do it.

I didn’t trust Dawn’s account entirely. It felt like chunks of information were left out of this story, which became apparent to me in two ways. The account was mix-matched and the other way was in how people reacted to Dawn. The account jumps around: in one paragraph the author can be thirteen, the next twenty-one or sixteen. While I understand the idea behind this was to group similar experiences, this type of grouping leaves out context and perspective. The style shifts in the end when it appears to become chronological for the most part.

This is a story about the author and her father. It’s mostly about her parents and how they affected her, but it doesn’t seem like she writes too much about the rest of her life. I found her account very disjointed and confusing until she gets around to her salvation and then on (near the end of the book.)

I found that the author came off judgmental and a perfectionist in her own way. The author saw inappropriateness and sex everywhere. She also seems to have an idealistic nuclear family in mind that she seems to define as the greatest normalness way of growing up (even though time and culture will prove that differently –it’s pretty much a ridiculous expectation in this day and age) It was obvious enough that she’d suffer some true sexual and emotional abuse; however she makes it clear that there are these horrible, sexual people everywhere. She’s not only talking about homosexuals and it seems like she’s perpetually haunted by the secular culture. The things she experienced as an infant or baby seemed unexplained. There are a lot of people who bathe naked with their children, hold them nude and bounce a kid on their foot/leg, not to mention have a baby suck on a nipple. I got the feeling more was supposed to be implied, but I couldn’t make sense of it.

She goes through phases with people that don’t add up. She admired some of her father’s lovers, including Ron eventually and was fond of a boy name Bryan for a while. As fond as she is of these people they still don’t seem right to her – they have these flaws in one way or another. There were very few people and seemingly no communities that had a positive effect on her life. She’s practically molested by a doctor, she doesn’t have many friends, they end up in a church that won't do/is falling apart and she finds the worst office job. It seems unlikely for everything she experienced to be as negative as she wrote it.

I was somewhat disturbed by Dawn’s judgmental attitude towards Swaggart. It would be one thing for her to say she didn’t trust the man or that he seemed to be only out for money, but she deems it an inappropriate and unfulfilling place for her father to find salvation and comfort. I don’t necessarily mind people being judgmental and deciding what’s trustworthy or not for themselves, but what people find comfort in and what they want to support is kind of a private matter. I’m not a religious person; none of it seems legitimate to me, but if it helps a person, makes them happy, to each their own.

Dawn didn’t really make the story out to be about homosexuality or parenting. It was clear that she came from a dysfunctional, abusive family. But she also seemed to realize she wasn’t the only one in a terrible state like this or think that her situation was the worst on Earth or that it only happened in a homosexual environment. I appreciated those moments of perspective that seemed to be put in here and there.

I thought it was very important to note the time this was taking place in and maybe some differences in culture. I’m not sure just how different Canada is from America or how the gay population was there.

In the past, homosexuality was viewed as a kind of mental disease and was included in the DSM. The term homosexual was coined by a psychologist for the sake of defining it as something abnormal. Of course homosexuality has existed as long as any sexuality and, with what records we have of the past, has been treated differently in different cultures, as has gender and sex.

The culture in which a practice takes place has a huge influence on the population of that practice. The context for homosexuality and what was developing during the 70s is completely different from now. Even though the accusation of what homosexual is, forever and all time, might be implied in this book it isn’t sensible.

In today’s culture it’s hard to even know if Dawn’s father was a true homosexual. He seemed to hate homosexuals publically; he was two-faced and discarded his lovers in a heartless fashion. Nothing about his identity or love flowed in a coherent way, which I believe was a part of a disease related more to his mind and situation than his sexual attractions.

I’m not a psych student, but it sounded like a type of sadistic personality disorder (or a primary narcissistic disorder with some kind of controlling dimension,) probably warped by what he experienced while growing up. Even if her father had been heterosexual, I doubt that would’ve changed his “love” and attention to her. I know people with this disorder (or something very like it) who are straight. I know their children who suffered very similar problems with their controlling parent, including dangerous situations, threats, desperation, loneliness, fighting and not feeling safe or comfortable at home. The people I know also suffered from the random whim thing.

Nothing excuses behavior like that, but this isn't somehow inherent to homosexuals or the homosexuality of time (I don't think Dawn tried to make it seem that way.) I think this goes to show how much children need protection. In a better world we could test people for dangerous psychological disorders prior to them having children. There are still too many instances, locally and worldwide, where societies have failed to protect children from abusive parents. And a number of these children don’t survive to give us memoirs.

I’m sorry for what Dawn went through. I’m glad to know that she’s in a much better situation now living with her loving family.

As far as the writing: I didn't find the it amazing, but not bad either. There were times when the writing became redundant and the details seemed odd or oddly placed. I tried to look up the publisher, because I was curious about their goals and if they were a Christian publisher, but what I found looked more like a vanity press and I didn't find a mission statement.

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Me gusto mucho este libro y la forma en que fue escrito, porque no fue escrito con odio o con rencor... La autora, por el mensaje que quiere transmitir a los lectores llama la atención al impacto de la paternidad homosexual, pero lo cierto es que tanto como la homosexualidad, es toda la confusión sexual, la promiscuidad, la exposición temprana a las actividades sexuales y el abuso sexual los que tuvieron impacto en la vida de la autora, e incluso si retiráramos la homosexualidad de ese hogar, posiblemente los resultados no hubieran sido diferentes. En todo caso, me gusta más el título en inglés: salir del hoyo, porque creó que esta es una parte importante a la que mucha gente no le da atención. Incluso los comentarios colocados en la capa llaman la atención al horror que ella vivió y nadie resalta la recuperación, lo que le permitió salir del hoyo, a pesar de que la mitad del libro es sobre eso. Porque nadie comenta sobre lo importante que fue su fe en Dios? Entiendo que queramos evitar que esto le ocurra a otros niños, pero también es importante recordar que también hay que ayudar a encontrar una salida para aquellos que ya cayeron en el hoyo, por medio de la fe en Dios y la presencia de personas que las apoyen incondicionalmente y sin prejuicios.

[Nan · Rating 1 out of 5]

First, we have to say that the title for this book is so misleading. It shouldn’t be called “The Impact of Homosexual Parenting” but “The impact of a dysfunctional home”. It is written by a very religious woman who suffered so much as a child. She was abused and ignored and struggled a lot for it. Now she writes this book trying to blame his dad’s sexuality, but it wasn’t homosexuality itself that caused her so much pain. It was that she wasn’t loved, that her father and mother didn’t love each other, that they didn’t take care their children and that her dad was promiscuous and unstable. Who could be raised healthily in a home like that? But it could have happened likewise if her dad was straight. His unfaithfulness, neglect and lack of love would have impacted her just the same.

As for the writing, she's not so good at it. Its chronology gets the reader lost. When one thinks that she's 16, then she suddenly turns 14, so sometimes it's hard to follow the timings.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

awful upbringing....healing ...lives in London!

[Giacomo Gubert · Rating 5 out of 5]

FUORI DAL BUIO

L’esperienza di Dawn Stefanowicz


Recentemente un famoso attore disse di disapprovare l’adozione (quale forma essa assuma) di bambini orfani o abbandonati da parte di coppie conviventi di due uomini maschi. Un associazione che si occupa di queste cose reagì con forza a queste dichiarazioni pubbliche accusando questo famoso attore di essere fuori dal mondo visto che sembrava ignorare un’asserita verità di fatto, a dire di questa associazione, a tutti nota, che cioè i bambini che crescono con due uomini maschi conviventi non soffrono di più dei bambini che invece crescono in famiglia, con i loro genitori. Non è certo nostro interesse entrare in queste diatribe il cui scopo non è quello di ricercare una verità sociale ed umana né di interessarsi alla sorte di bambini rimasti senza genitori ma solo di creare una mentalità favorevole ad ogni tipo di soddisfazione dei desideri degli adulti. È invece interessante ascoltare una voce, la voce di Cynthia Dawn Stefanowicz che ha raccontato la sua vita con un padre che praticava compulsivamente l’omosessualità. Una voce che è riuscita, miracolosamente diremo, a uscire dal buio in cui era stata immersa sin dalla prima infanzia. Una voce che parla in difesa dei bambini innocenti che non possono difendersi da soli. Una voce che è stata ascoltata da coloro che si credono chiamati, nel loro ruolo di rappresentanti del popolo, a legiferare sui “diritti” d’adozione degli adulti. Una voce che dovrebbero veramente ascoltare tutti quelli che si occupano di queste cose. Perchè Cynthia è stata veramente nel buio. Perché ne è veramente uscita. Perché ha lasciato l’odio ed il rancore ed è colma d’amore.

[Betsy Dion · Rating 5 out of 5]

This well-written book tells the horror and abuse of Dawn's childhood without creating a caricature of either of her parents. Growing up in an extremely dysfunctional home, with a father who would rather be out with his boyfriends than give any time or attention to his family, took a toll on her development and her sense of who she is. The message of the book is summed up well in one of its own sentences: "What makes it so hard for a girl to grow up with a gay father is that she never gets to see him loving, honoring, or protecting the women in his life." Although many of problems that she illustrates could be found in dysfunctional heterosexual homes, some of them seem particularly tied to her father's homosexuality, including his complete lack of appropriate physical and emotional boundaries and his compulsive extreme promiscuity. Throughout the book, it is clear that Dawn loves her father and has grown to feel some level of compassion for him in spite of his many faults. His home life growing up was even worse than the environment that he made for his own family, and you can see that many of his destructive behaviors are just his attempts to fix or escape from his own suffering. She doesn't excuse his behavior, but she shows him as a whole person, not just as a monster. The book describes many disturbing events, so it is not for those who are easily disturbed. For those strong enough to handle it, I recommend this book as an interesting insight into the effect of homosexual parents on the upbringing of children.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an educational read. The author has a very detached style of writing, which is understandable considering the subject. Raised by a homosexual father, Dawn talks about the abuse and neglect that marched hand-in-hand with her father's promiscuous addiction to other men. Though she continually sought for his affection, attention, and approval up until the very hour of his death, Dawn recognizes the importance of children being raised by a mother and a father who are attracted to and dedicated to each other and their children. An unlikely advocate for traditional marriage, Dawn speaks out, despite the dredging of painful memories, in an effort to give children a voice and preserve their innocence and health. (Note: book does contain some disturbing revelations)

[Susan Kennedy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have difficulties with a person who claims to have memories of her father's lack of closeness at age three, making up her mind, that she was never going to get affection from him. This would involve memories that would predate this claim, so as to realize she needed to look else where for a parental role model. I just can't see this decision happening at age three. This and similar claims are a bit off-putting. Therefore I put the book down and didn't finish it.

[Mathew · Rating 4 out of 5]

An even handed and candid account of the impact of the author's father's homosexual lifestyle on her upbringing. Warts and all.

[Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dawn reveals the many dysfunctions that occurred in her family, due to her father's obsession with homosexual relationships.

[AYAH]

كل واحد ينام على الجنب اللي يربحه لكن واضح إن المسألة أكبر من حريات شخصية! المسألة تفتيت مفهوم الزواج و الأسرة! متشوقة لقراءة هذا الكتاب!!!!