Marriage and Lasting Relationships With Asperger's Syndrome: Successful Strategies for Couples or Counselors

by Eva A. Mendes, Stephen M. Shore (Foreword)

Proven counseling strategies that will help improve the relationships of married, long-term or co-habiting couples with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder). ASD relationship expert Eva A. Mendes provides advice straight from the couples' counselling room that can be applied in day-to-day living and help with the challenges that can arise in relationships where one or both partners are on the autism spectrum. This includes issues surrounding diagnosis, mental health, sexual compatibility, sensory needs, executive functioning, theory of mind, communication, and co-parenting. She offers unique practical ideas for positive change such as creating a relationship schedule, making expression of appreciation and gratitude a part of every day, and finding mutually satisfying activities and special interests to engage in with your partner. The strategies in this book will be useful to couples themselves and any couples' counselors or therapists working with them.

Genres: Nonfiction, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Relationships, Self Help, Mental Health, Psychology, Aspergers

264 pages, Paperback

First published July 21, 2015

Reviews

[Beauregard Bottomley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Marriage counselors provide a needed service. Self help books on fixing marriages do not. Add in the quirk of one of the partners having autism and the book will be mostly a self-help misfiring.

The author clearly thought it was important to label a person autistic (she uses the word ‘Aspergers’) if they fit her category with loosely described criteria. She definitely states that autistic people are less capable of possessing empathy. Here’s a quote from today’s New York Times (7/14/18) from the Autism Editorial ‘Autistic people have been making the case for decades that they are interested in other people, and that they do not intend their unusual behaviors to indicate otherwise’. I think a lot of this book misses that obvious point. I think the editorial is worth reading as well as some of the links with in it.

In general, autistic people would have given anything to have been able to fit in with others; read other peoples emotional states and intentions with theory of mind; to know what it means when someone says ‘I can see it in their eyes’; not have to approach the world as if they were blind to all facial cues or tone deaf to voice inflections; not fall into repetitive routines; not to crave isolation over misfiring with others; be bothered by too many environmental stimuli, or end up focusing intently on complicated rational problems to the exclusion of everything around them (maybe that is a good thing since it enables them to solve complex problems that others can’t and therefore they can get paid gobs of money in this geeky nerdy culture of today but it does have the unfortunate side effect of ignoring those they love when they are in the zone).

The author made the point that the neurotypical uses ‘conversations as a means of connection rather than information sharing’ and ‘thrives on social emotional connection’ and the neurodiverse ‘much prefer intellectual endeavors’ and ‘information sharing’. Wow! That just floors me. I don’t think there is anything more boring than having to listen to people share their experiences about their life such as what they did in the army twenty years ago or their world travels or their boring jobs they held all for the selfish end of ‘connecting’ while treating the other as a means to an end rather than an end in themselves (what a very non-Kantian thing to do). I’ll take the neurodiverse’s approach to conversation (at least as described by this author) where each person shares information and wants each other to grow intellectually for its own sake. Autistic people are interested in other people. They just have different ways of understanding and exploring the world.

I did not know as the book mentioned that Aspergers is often associated with anxiety, depression and ADHD (correlation plus 70%). When I read about ADHD or Aspergers I always have a Wittgenstein reaction to the use of words, just because one can label something does not necessarily mean it can be defined coherently or consistently or necessarily correlates to reality. Ghosts, mysticism, spirits, soul and neurosis are all labels that people use to describe a phenomenon, and the people who use them believe they exist but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are real.

[Lynn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did not get any strategies from this book. It just made me realize my thoughts and feelings were normal for our relationship. At times it felt too simple and not very useful in making things better.

[Lili · Rating 3 out of 5]

From Netgalley for a review:

If you suspect you or your partner is an Aspie, or you find stories of people's relationships and how they were changed once they found out they were an Aspie and then used the strategies in this book to save their relationship, then this book will probably be very useful for you.

It is well written and researched, and I am sure the techniques outlined would be very helpful if this is all new to you. I wish I would have discovered this book when I was younger, it might have prevented a lot of relationship woes. Or at the very least I would have given it to the person I was dating since this is more geared towards helping the partner cope with an Aspie than helping the Aspie deal with the emotional chaos when it comes to relationships.

I strongly recommend this book to people who suspect or know they want a long term relationship with someone with Asperger's Syndrome, but if you are an Aspie, eh, I say look elsewhere, or maybe not? This particular Aspie did not find this book particularly helpful, but that is the beauty of self-help books, chances are they will help someone!

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

Clear, directed, useful examples, great personal stories. Really enjoyed writing style, never bogged down. Little gems everywhere in this book. Examples weren't also over the extreme, aspies that would normally go unnoticed outside their immediate family.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

This title is written by a couples counselor who has an intimate yet detatched understanding os people on the Autism spectrum. There are practical strategies included fo managing the relationship as well as good ideas to improve communication. A friend who is Aspie said he felt the author had pinpointed how he viewed life and gave ideas to understanding the non-Asperger world. "Every page was an a-ha." As a non-Aspie, I found good ideas to better relate to my Asperger husband of 44 years. I would highly recommend this book.

[Andrew Bysterveldt · Rating 2 out of 5]

While the book contained some interesting insights, I felt it blamed the autistic partner for all the problems of the relationship. It makes out that the neurotypical partner is suffering injustice at the hands of an autistic idiot. A strengths-based approach would have been more useful. In the second last chapter, the author says that a relationship between autistic and neurotypical person can only work with couples counselling. This felt a bit self serving. I thought this book was a bit outdated and more reflective of the views of 2015 and not 2024.

[Katie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Stereotypical and harmful

Stereotypical and harmful book for autistic people. Very outdated. I could see it causing more problems than it helps for couples and families.

[Brenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely practical. Great mix of case studies. Highly recommend to all in or hoping to understand neurodiverse relationships.

[Brittany · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars rounded up. A decent chunk of this book was quite fluffy/unscientific (or references studies from 1972...) and/or unhelpful (just go on a scuba trip to Belize! Just use community support to help raise your kids!) and/or not specific to people/couples in which at least one person is autistic (have you tried listening to your partner yet? Have you tried not actually straight-up yelling at your wife?). There are also weird attempts at trademarking stuff. Like, the Relationship Schedule (TM) is what most people call a calendar -_- All of the case studies were a little too clean.

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

I realize this book is somewhat outdated, but I tried to give it the benefit of the doubt. Some of it was useful, especially if you are a NS (Non-Spectrum) partner of someone with a recent Autism diagnosis. This book may help you understand some of their idiosyncrasies. However, there was no mention of relationships in which both partners are on the spectrum. Since my wife and I are both neurodivergent, reading about NS/ASD couples was not beneficial to me.

[Meghan Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offered a lot of perspective on what it feels like to be in an neurodiverse relationship and helped me understand my own emotions, as well as the actions and responses of my partner. It deserves a second read! I did not feel the exercises were as helpful (for me personally) as the rest of the book, however.

[T. Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great resource!

Very helpful information and solutions for motivated couples who want help with neurodiverse issues. In fact, this book would help any couple find better communication skills.

[Ellen Bard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written with plenty of practical advice for those who are either in a neurodiverse relationship or are working with them in some capacity. I liked the exercises, there's lots to recommend this book.

[Gordon Howard · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book on the topic - covers a wide range of Asperger's marital situations, sometimes too wide a range, because the symptoms vary. Lots of practical tips for how to negotiate the difficulties, at least some of which should be applicable to any particular neuro-diverse relationship.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Concrete exercises and clear, easy to understand text. This book was also short enough to feel manageable, but still contained a lot of great information.

[Jessika Thiele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super useful book for everyone with Aspergers or a partner on the autism spectrum. Would definitely recommend!

[Dawn Bateman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Delves into the difficulties of marriages where one person is a neurotypical and the other on the Autism Spectrum. Often the AS partner is very high functioning, so that people outside the relationship don't see any issues. But inside the marriage there is often loneliness, heartbreak, dis-connection and lack of intimacy. If you suspect that your partner may be on the spectrum, you will find that you are not imagining what you see and that you are not alone. The book offers some useful coping strategies for both members of the couple. It also is direct about the limitations in the relationship. I felt both encouraged and sad after reading.

[Nightingale · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one is getting the abandoned tag - probably overdue. Gave it multiple attempts, but it is so poorly edited, as well as being academic and a bit heavy going. Eventually it just wasn't worth the effort. A pity, as the content is good if you can look past the editing and work your way around the mixing of pronouns (Mendes tries not to gender stereotype so she uses he for the neurodiverse partner, and then switches to she - but at times it gets pretty unclear which is which, and there are even times when it looks like Mendes herself is a little unclear on who each pronoun belongs to anymore).

[Adriana · Rating 3 out of 5]

http://gph.is/2uSqo6b

[Allie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such an enlightening book. I could have used it about 20 years ago.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Makes me think I have Aspie tendencies and that my dad probably is an Aspie. I see both of us in this book.

[K · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5/5 ⭐️

[Katthew · Rating 3 out of 5]

parts were deeply infantilizing or irrelevant to me. some parts were good.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spot on

[Dorothy Greco · Rating 4 out of 5]

The more time I spend with married couples, the more I understand how deeply ASD affects relationships. We need so much more help!! Mendes' book is a good starting point.

[Jann · Rating 3 out of 5]

We are just realizing there are several on the ASD scale in our extended and immediate family. This book was helpful. But not brilliant. I plan to do more reading and then I can judge this book better, because I’m only just learning about ASD and AfDD and need to process it all.

[Nyx Vera · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd probably give this a 3.5 if it was an option. There's some stuff that's great, some assumptions that are incredibly stereotypical, and some things that feel uncomfortable/dismissive. I think trying to write for both professionals and couples confuses the tone a little, but there's still some solid information in there.

[Kathleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

So far seems very much designed specifically for clinicians - perhaps that will change. At the end, it still seemed like a dissertation.

[Bryan Mclellan]

I appreciated the span of traits discussed. It was easy to identify traits that resonated versus those that didn't and be good with that. The "Relationship blah blah[TM]" exercises wore on my a little. Mostly the [TM] part I guess.